Wow, how difficult this life of parenting an addict can be sometimes – and how differently the difficulty can arise. Just when you think you are managing – something knocks you down and you must struggle mightily to get back up.
Today my child told me – again – that she can’t believe that I am doing this to her.
She’s thought and thought about this, and she can’t imagine doing such a thing to her child. She doesn’t know how, as a parent, I can live with myself, imposing these legal problems on her. She cannot even think about these legal issues – or talk to anyone about it – because it increases her anxiety so much.
She has come so far, and is not using now. In fact, it is only when she thinks about what I have done to her with these juvenile charges that she thinks about using. And this is clearly my fault. She is setting me up for the responsibility if she uses – and causing me to think about the next time she uses right now. And if she disappears from my life – which she plans on doing as soon as she can – well, it is my fault too. And she hopes I have a good life without her in it. Because she won’t be!
And to the extent that I hope we can work together to resolve our differences – I can forget about that – it simply is never going to happen!
I try to live and to keep my life manageable – one day at a time – but today – after this conversation – my life doesn’t feel manageable at all. And all I can think of is the future – and the past. About how many mistakes I’ve made, and about what I should have done, how strong I should have been, what I should have said – and how that would have made today different.
I know that looking back – what I should have done and shouldn’t have done – will get me nowhere.
And I know that looking forward – what life will be like, whether she will use, whether we will ever be a family again– will get me nowhere either.
But what I know can’t stop the spinning in my head. What I know does not take away the immediate feelings of despair.
I am grateful that I have my fellow PSST parents, and the probation staff and counselors to support me, and I know I will get beyond today’s feelings. But, oh, how difficult this life can be sometimes!
A Mother's Pain - by Joan, a PSST Mom
Posted by:Jenn--Thursday, June 23, 2011
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Dear Joan,
Being on the outside of your circumstances, I see a mother who has made the hard decisions to help her child. Even sacrificing a relationship to do whatever it takes to give her child a chance. It's not an easy task especially on your own to be self assured. I have a sense you would do whatever you could in your profession to help a client and Joan that is what you are doing for your child. Whatever it takes to give her another day. Another chance. Those memories of days gone by will be just that, memories. Tomorrow is the future yet to be written. But thanks to you,your daughter will have a tomorrow and right now that is the best gift you can give her.
One of my favorite sayings is,
You don't have to be perfect all of the time,
It o.k. to fall just continue the climb.
Keep climbing Joan, keep climbing and remember you are never alone.
Violet
Joan,
Your thoughts and pain resonante with all of us, including Alice and I. We have had similar discussions, manipulations, and heart ache with our sons. Our prayers are with you.
I agree that looking back and trying to more than hope for the future do no good. Instead of the backward or forward, we must learn to fly above. This is extrememly difficult when it's our children that are involved.
I am glad you shared what we all experience at times.
Thanks.
Ralph.
Joan,
I, too, have (still have) days of despair. It is so hard not to look back and wish that we could have a do-over in some of our conversations with our child and actions we have taken or not taken. Until I came to PSST I didn't know I should have kept the weed I found last fall in my son's room for future action and instead flushed it as fast as I could so I wouldn't have drugs in my home. As for the future, I too am having a hard time with the NEW future that my son will have. And I'm having more trouble with it than he is. But you and Ralph are right about forwards and backwards being no good but it is hard to fly above. But that is what we must do.
Hang in there and know you are not alone.
Wilma
Post a Comment