The Prodicgal Son is Given a Choice ~ by Joy Y
The Prodigal came in at 9 a.m. after being out all night, not sleeping and got ready to go to work. As he was eating what I prepared for him, I asked him to please send me the drug test results (still hasn't) and he agreed.
I asked if he blazed last night, to which he responded "a bit". I said "You know if you stop blazing now that you will be able to remain at home after your final exam on June 24th".
P.S. said "If you stop giving me drug tests I can live at home".
I replied "To live at home we will continue to give you drug tests AND they need to be negative".
"As long as I follow the rules I should be allowed to live at home" he answered.
I told him, "Your right, and the rules are to live at home you need to be off drugs and to remain in drug counselling".
There was a silence for a bit then I noted "So I guess you are planning to move out?".
He looked up and asked "what do you mean?".
I said "Well, You know that you can't remain at home if you keep getting positive drug tests. So you must have plans of where you plan to live. It would be good to know if you are moving out".
He replied "Okay then, I will move out".
I told him "That's good to know, it will help with my plans".
He paused again "What plans?".
"Well", I informed him, "This house costs me $2000 a month. If we are only going to be the four of us, we can downsize to a smaller place and live in a place that works for all of us".
He exclaimed "WTF, why would you do that?".
I explained to him that we had been discussing for a while now about moving once you guys are out of high school to a place that is less expensive since we don't need to remain in this area. So knowing that you are planning to move out helps me plan better".
I went into the other room and asked one of the Prodigal's brothers if we moved to a smaller, less expensive place, where would he want to live. His other brother wants to live south of where we are, because it is near the university he wants to attend. But I asked where would he want to live. We discussed it for a bit, all the while, with the Prodigal is muttering from the other room "shut about about that".
We kept talking.
As I drove him to work, I asked if he started to get negative drug tests and remained at home, where would he want to live, if we moved.
He told me "I don't know".
I said "Well think about it, because we will definitely take your input into the decision".
He said "Well me and a bunch of friends are thinking about moving out for the summer".
I told him that was good to know".
He asked "Why?".
"Well, if you are moving out, then we will make the choice of where to live and how big a place we need, accordingly" I explained
"Well, what if I want to move back later?" he asked.
I told him "If you got off and stayed off drugs you'd be welcome to live with us wherever we were living. Hopefully there would be enough room for five of us and it would be in a location that would work for you".
He replied "I am not on drugs! I smoke weed".
I let him know that he is entitled to look it that way, neverthe less, for him to live at home he needs to have negative drug tests, which he doesn't.
He asked "Well nothing is carved in stone yet about moving out?"
"Well, we only need to give a month's notice on the house so if you move out we will take it from there" I explained.
He retorted "I don't see why I can't blaze and not do drug tests!"
I replied "If you live on your own, you can do whatever you see fit. However that is what it will take for you to live at home. We would like you to live at home, but you need to make a choice".
Then the Prodigal said something about "I bet you wish I was like my brothers".
I replied "No, I like you just the way your are, you are you and they are them".
He told me "That's not true! You wish I was like them!"
I said "I'm sorry you feel that way, but its not true".
By then, we had arrived at work. He just opened the door and left, saying nothing.
He is now finally in that place where he actually has to choose what he wants to do.
If the discomfort of remaining the same is greater than the discomfort of changing, then, who knows, maybe the Prodigal is ready to make some choices.
Stay tuned.
~Joy Y.
The Prodigal Son is Given a Choice - by Joy Y, a PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Monday, June 06, 2011
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3 comments:
As my friend Ed (see Intervention on this blog) would say, "People change because feel the heat- not because they see the light."
Joy,
Thank you for your story. I especially liked the ending line "If the discomfort of remaining the same is greater than the discomfort of changing, then, who knows, maybe the Prodigal is ready to make some choices." You handled the situation in a very skillful manner.
Brigitte
Thanks Brigitte, but I can't take credit for the thought; it is the heart of Motivational Interviewing's belief about what underlies change. There are different stages of change (according to MI theory) and people change when the discomfort of remaining the same is greater than the discomfort of changing.
Sometimes, as a parent, I choose to make the "cost" (natural consequences) of the Prodigal doing nothing (maintaining the status quo) higher than the "cost of changing" because, ultimately that will help him overcome the ambivalence to change. Where theory meets reality is when I have to ask him to find someplace else to stay until he starts getting negative drug tests. We did it once; he was out of the house for 2 months until he was willing to do what it took to do it. We may have to do it again (although the early signs are he is quitting his weed use in order to remain at home).
Like all the PSST parents, I struggle to be consistent, to not enable him in his addiction and to hold him accountable for his own decisions.
Thanks for the affirmation that I am handling this one with skill; I appreciate it. I can only do so because of the good counselling we get, the support of the PSST folks and the grace of God.
Joy Y
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