There was great discussions yesterday at our Eastern District meeting. One of the questions being batted around was how do you just listen to your teenager and not give in to the old habbit of giving him advice, preaching, or lecturing. We were reminded of a quote although the source escapes me at the moment, "We give no lack of solutions to our children but we never give them enough problems to solve." The message we imply is that they aren't competent to figure anything out for themselves.I wish to offer a simple recipe to at least stave off the lecture for a bit. In some cases following this outline might even set the table for leaking a bit of a lecture in the back door.
Son: You know, I was trying to get a gun once. Someone I knew told me that they could get one for me. I knew it was wrong, but I just figured I wouldn't get caught. Later, I was glad that they couldn't get one for me but from time to time I still want one. Sometimes, I think about it a lot- like how much fun it would be to own one, take care of it, learn to use it, and basically just feel safer. You know what I mean?
Mom: Well, let me pull myself together here- [strong eye contact good body language and she says the next sentence slowly} You know you really surprise me sometimes.
Son: How? You mean because I want a gun?
Mom: I didn't know that either, but no, I mean i'm surprised that you shared all that with me.
Son: Well, they say it's an honest program. {meaning his 12-step program}
Mom: Well, yeah, but still, that's a lot to share with your mother.
Son: I know- I just thought you should know. What do you think?
Mom: I think you expect me to lecture, preach, warn you, and tell you that would be the stupidest thing you could do.
Son: Yeah.
Mom: I dunno. Maybe that's why you don't tell me anything.
Son: Can you understand why I want one so badly?
Mom: Probably it's not easy for me to understand that. Maybe it's a guy thing. I never wanted a gun so I'm not going to pretend that I understand. [No one wants to be understood to easily anyway}
Son: Yeah.
Mom: I think you want it so bad sometimes that you sort of have yourself convinced that it's worth the risk or maybe you think you can manage the risk. I dunno. Like I said I don't think I understand. {but she just showed that she did understand something- not the whole thing- but something about it she just showed that she understood}.
Son: Well yeah, I can manage the risk, but I don't know sometimes.
Mom: [patiently waiting]
Son: I just don't even want to think of the risk.
Mom: How'd you do it then? [note: How'd you do it? is what they ask in 12-step, when somebody gets a new key tag for staying clean. How'd you do it is a great way to ask for information.}
Son: Do what?
Mom: Stop yourself from getting a gun.
Son: I don't know, I mean he didn't have it when I was trying to get it.
Mom: Yeah, but it sounds like you made a decision to stop looking for one?
Son: I did.
Mom: How'd you do that especially seeing how bad you wanted one?
Son: I guess I thought it was too risky.
Mom: Oh. {Said as though she was SURPRISED even though she was just saying the very same thing to him a minute ago and he was saying he could manage the risk.
Son: I mean, I don't want to get sent away again and you know I would get sent away in a heartbeat if I got caught with that.
Mom: I'm sure.
Son: Another thing I thought of, is that someday I can own one legally you know?
Mom: Yeah.
Son: And if I get too much of a criminal record maybe I could mess that up.
Mom: You're surprising me again.
Son: Why? [smiling}
Mom: I'm surprised at how well you thought that through. I'm not sure I would have thought of that.
Son: Yeah, I thought it through pretty much like for example, I don't think this would happen, but what if I was carrying it and I used it to protect myself?
Mom: Oh! {the hint of surprise again}
Son: Yeah, I could go to jail, not a Detention Center for kids, but to a real jail for a long long time.
Mom: Hmmm.
Son: Hmmm what?
Mom: Well, I thought of that one too and that's pretty scary. {Notice she doesn't have be surprised at every darn thing! That's over doing it and it can become fake real easy. This is more of an agreeing- bonding statement}
Son: How bout this one? What if there was a body attached to the gun I bought?
Mom: What's that mean?
Son: You know, if someone had killed someone with that gun that would be lots of trouble for me.
Mom: OK, I see what you mean.
Son: You kind of surprised me too. {expect to be imitated- it's the sincerest form of flattery}
Mom: How's that?
Son: I thought you'd flip out when I told you all this stuff about me wanting a gun!
Mom: Oh I am.
Son: Really?
Mom: Yes, I'm flipping out inside.
Son: Don't worry. I'm not gonna get one, you know. I'm moving on.
Mom: Well,sometimes it's better to not flip out. I'm trying to learn how to do that. It's hard for me actually. Of course, I'm afraid that you will end up dead or in jail for something stupid ANYWAY so when I hear you tell me stuff like this- it's hard for me not to react. You know, it kind of pushes my buttons.
Son: So, you'd rather I didn't tell you stuff like this?
Mom: I don't know. You decide. I'll go with what you decide. If you want to share- I'll do my best to handle it- if you don't want to, then I'll try not to pry to much.
Son: Really? {sounding surprised}
Mom: Well, sure. You know, except for the part where I search your room with a drug dog, a cop, and a really fine tooth comb. Except for that part I'll try not to flip out!
Son: [laughs] Well, you're going to do that anyway, I guess.
Mom: You guess right buddy.
Son: What would you do if you found a gun in my room!
Mom: You'd be the first person I'd shoot with it.
Son: [laughts} oh sure, no, I mean really.
Mom: OK, that's a fair question, but I gotta answer it with another question. What do you think I'd do?
Son: Call my PO or dial 911.
Mom: Good. I'm glad you already knew that. Thank you.
Son: For what?
Mom: For saying it so I didn't have to say it, and ALSO for letting me know that I've made it clear that I'm not keeping secrets. {She's thanking him at the same time she's warning him again. This is where she gets to "leak in" a wee bit of lecture!}
Son: Oh yeah you made that clear.
Discussion: OK, I'm sure it might not have gone that smoothly but you never know till you try. Lets review the recipe. In this parenting skill there are only two things to remember.
1. Let your teenager know that he has surprised you. No one likes to be predictable. If, on the other hand, you want to put up a wall between you and your teenager, then tell him you knew exactly what he was going to do. It's a tough one because as parents we pride ourselves on being able to read our kids. That's how we know we are good parents. We can tell when they are lying. We can tell what they are feeling. We know what they are going to do. Even when they screw up, we are not surprised- we saw that one coming!
The other day I was drug testing a kid who had run away for a night. The mother told the Wesley Spectrum therapist that she knew her son would test dirty for drugs. She could "just tell." He was confidant regarding the test and he tested clean. As soon as she found out the test result, she said, "I knew he would be clean!" Was she lying? Maybe not. She might have forgot what she said to the therapist. She wasn't sure from the get-go if he was clean or not. She had mixed feelings. After the test result was in, she remembered having mixed feelings, so part of her thought he was dirty and part of her thought that he was clean. The overriding dynamic is that she believes that she knows her son so well that and that that defines her as a good mom. If she didn't know the result ahead of time that would define her as a not-so-good mom. Because of the way she defines herself as a good or not-so-good mom she can't allow herself to be surprised.
2. Let you teenager know that that last thing he probably wants or needs is a lecture. Start there. Even if you end up lecturing, at least acknowledge that he expects it and that it's not always helpful. You can do this in your own style. This role-play just demonstrated one of many ways to let your teen know that you "get it" that lecturing isn't always helpful. Hopefully, as in this example, it will lead to an exchange of ideas. Probably, if the parent hadn't said something along these lines, this young man would never have never told his mother how he sized up the risks.
Bonus #3: It's not part of the recipe but did you noticed that there was a point where the mom asked "how'd you do that?" This led to an exchange between the two of them. In this case it was "how'd you stop yourself?" We've talked about asking "Why?" and how that puts up a wall. Asking "how" instead of "why" often brings walls down. In Narcotics Anonymous when people pick up Key Tags for one year, 18 months, or multiple years, the crowd yells out "How'd you do that?" It seems to be a type of question that stimulates the flow of information rather than stifling it.
Hopefully, we've just seen an example of where every moment is not a teachable moment. On the other hand, maybe this was a teachable moment for this young man. Maybe it was a teachable moment for both of them.
Share
No comments:
Post a Comment