ENABLING: WHAT'S THAT?
Enabling is a behavior practiced by well meaning family members and friends of addicts that achive the exact opposite results of their actual intentions. Another definition I read was "Trying to be helpful or useful in some way, but often producing a negative effect or result."
While searching for some information I came across a web site called eGetGoing that has a good explanation of what enabling is, its effects and how to change your enabling behavior. Following is the "Reader's Digest" version
For the entire article click on eGetGoing - Enabling
ENABLING: WHO ME?
When family, friends, and associates of a chemically dependent individual allow that individual to continue the addiction to alcohol or drugs, their behavior is called enabling. When repeated, enabling behaviors become ingrained in the chemically dependent person's family, job, or social structures.
MEANING WELL: THE ORIGINS OF ENABLING
We often begin enabling in an attempt to be kind and helpful. For example, we may wake someone so they are not late to work. By doing so, we help them avoid the consequences of oversleeping because they were using or drinking late into the night before. We loan addicts money, often over and over again, and we are surprised when they use it to buy more drugs or alcohol.
Enablers may have their own system of denial that is fed by the lies and deceptions addicts use to cover up their using.
EXAMPLES OF ENABLING
Examples of enabling behaviors include:
- Making excuses for the addict/alcoholic (calling their boss to say they are sick with the flu, when they are really hung over, or referring to your teenager's drug use as 'just a phase')
- Paying their bills (including legal fees)
- Bailing them out of jail / paying their court cost or restitution / paying their fines
- Making rationalizations for their irresponsible behaviors
- Ignoring the problems caused by the addict's use (financial, employment, legal, social, family)
- Cleaning up their messes
- Accepting their excuses or believing their lies
- Not discussing the problem of their chemical use
- Not getting help for yourself
As addicts/alcoholics are rescued from the consequences of their using and drinking, they learn to rely on their enablers to continue their addiction.
Enabling behaviors can be changed, and recovery is possible even if the chemically dependent person does not seek help.
HOW TO CHANGE ENABLING BEHAVIOR
When we begin to identify and change our behaviors, they don't just disappear all at once.
Recovery and changing takes time and practice, practice, practice.
With this in mind, we can look at some examples of changing enabling behaviors.
- Stop making excuses to others for situations or problems that are caused by the drinking and using of the alcoholic or addict. Do not phone the employer to excuse him/her from work. Do not make up stories to others about why the addict/alcoholic was unable to keep obligations such as showing up for the family reunion or missing appointments.
- Refuse to lie. This includes Not Keeping Secrets.
- Do not clean up their mess. If the chemically dependent person makes a mess, such as being physically ill or tearing up the living room, do not clean it up. Allow them to see the damage and result of their actions.
- Do not bail them out of jail / pay their fines, court cost, restitution or legal fees [including children under the age of 18]
- Do not pay bills you are not responsible in areas that do not affect your safety or basic well being. Do not pay for the new TV, cell phone service, iPod he/she purchased.
- Do not continue useless arguments. Go to a movie, take a walk, read a good book, or go to a support group meeting [see the PSST Meeting Schedule].
- Do not make threats you are not 100% willing to back up with appropriate actions. Example: Do that again and I will call the police! or One more time and you're out of here!
- Have a calm and Quiet discussion as possible.If safe and appropriate, discuss your concern with the person in a non-emotional way. If your teen gets loud, beligerent or threatening get up and leave at once.
- Find a support system. This may include [PSST], Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon, a sponsor, codependency treatment, private therapy or counseling, a spiritual advisor or minister, or trustworthy friends.
When you begin to change your enabling behaviors it is helpful to have a sponsor in an organization such as Al-Anon, or a private counselor or therapist, who is familiar with your individual circumstances.
They can be key to achieving positive changes in you.
PLEASE COME TO OUR PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING [PSST] MEETINGS TO DISCUSS THIS AND OTHER ISSUES – WE ARE HERE TO SUPPOERT YOU, THE PARENTS, AT NO COST AND NO OBLIGATION.
HOW TO END ENABLING
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, June 27, 2011
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2 comments:
Thanks, Rocco.. I believe that I am an enabler and want to change so that others around me might not use my kindness in a wrong way. It's not easy because I really feel that I should help people and sometimes I just do it without reason or thought. But I am trying to learn to analyze the situation first and then act. Where can I go for help? George
Hi George,
First stick with us here at PSST.
I don’t have all of the answers but there are a lot of very experienced parents and professionals with a lot of good advice here.
There are, of course, other help groups like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.
Second: Man do I know how tough it is to let go of enabling behavior.
I live to fix things. It is my personality and it has been my profession for over 30 years. As the saying goes “It’s what I do.”
I believe that Sally will verify that I am a “worst case scenario” worrier when it comes to someone else making plans. Even when she convinces me to let go; she suffers the brunt of my whining about how it should have been done.
It is not easy to let go and let someone else have control. This especially applies to our children and even more so when our child is an addict. Their addiction trumps our common sense & logic every time.
They will use their best manipulation skills to bluff us and our enabling behavior will tell us to give in.
Like any bad habit we have, we need to accept that we must change our behavior. Then we need to practice our new behavior (this sounds like a good role play at our next PSST Meeting).
We must understand that we have little or no power over our child’s behavior. They will only stay clean when they are ready to. This is the most difficult concept to comprehend and to concede when we see our children harming themselves.
Remind your child that you love them and are there to support their efforts at staying clean but that you can in no way support their using any mind altering substance - legal or illegal (drugs, pot, alcohol, K-2, etc).
Make it clear to them that if they use - they will need to seek outside help - and that you can only assist them. Remember that if you make this commitment; be prepared to stick with it. Making empty threats is just another enabling behavior.
None of this is easy, comfortable or painless but I will continue to do whatever it takes to save my child’s life.
Rocco
Check out some web sites I have found:
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/01/helping-and-enabling-is-there-a-difference.html
http://www.egetgoing.com/drug_addiction/changing_enabling_behavior.asp
http://www.ehow.com/how_2083394_stop-enabling-alcoholic.html
http://timetoact.drugfree.org/know-get-outside-help.html
http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/04/how-to-stop-enabling-when-our-grown-children-disappoint-us.html
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