Recently my 36-year old son’s mother, his older brother and I intervened in his world of addiction. We surprised him with this move, and his mother and I presented him with letters. A recent addiction-driven, tragic experience within the family of a good friend of mine enabled my older son and me to finally convince my younger son’s reluctant mother that this needed to be done sooner rather than later. It was a somber and difficult, but necessary, meeting. Below is the letter that I gave to my addicted son. In order to maintain confidentially, I have substituted (Son) in the parts of the letter where I used his name. Perhaps some of you who read this will find something in it that will be helpful to you.
Dear (Son):
We are all saddened, disappointed, angered, frustrated and frightened as a result of the position you have put us and yourself into, (Son). And, those are only a few of the intense feelings that we have at this time.
It has all become, seemingly, very complex after all of these 20 plus years. So much so, in fact, that we all find it necessary now to bring some simplicity and order into all of our lives, most especially concerning the matters relating to your ongoing addiction and addictive behaviors.
So, we have decided together, out of our love for you, to detach ourselves from your struggles. We have not come to these decisions lightly. This is all very painful for all of us.
Your decision to leave treatment early in 2009 left us baffled, but we were hopeful as well, hopeful that you had progressed to the point that you would take responsibility for your life. That has not happened. We have seen precious little effort on your part. In short, (Son), our hope for change has not been fulfilled, and we are left with an empty feeling after all of the love, time, effort and money that we have put into this dilemma.
We all have come to know over the course of the years that change, big change, is an absolute necessity for any addict who expects to experience success in their recovery. But, we cannot change you, we can only change ourselves. And so we will.
We wish you well.
Love,
Dad
5-11-11
Author's Note: Of course, there are risks that we must face with nearly every decision that we make, and this is certainly no exception. But my thoughts with regard to the risks involved in this decision are that without intervention, my son is on the road to a slow and painful death, albeit most likely an early one.
My son is laden with guilt and regrets of lost years and wasted opportunities, and I firmly believe that this is the best that we can do for him. Please do not wait until your loved one is so low. Take it from one who has been there, you do not want, nor do you or anyone else deserve 20 years of this, especially your addict or addict to be.
Other posts by the same author can be found here:
HELLO! MY NAME IS ED: THE DISEASE OF CO-DEPENDENCY (PART 1 OF 2)
My name is Ed- Part II: The Plan
1 comment:
Thank you for sharing this with us. I have felt all of those intense feelings at different times throughout the ordeal with my son. It is not easy to go through this.
Addiction holds a very firm grip on the addict. It seems, ironic, that the guilt they feel for the time they wasted and opportunities they missed is one of the excuses they use to continue. Since they are caught up in this "Catch 22 Web" it makes sense that they need intervention to pull them off of the web. Even though it is risky to intervene; it is more risky to stand back and do nothing.
I will pray for your son.
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