I was looking forward to my visit with Sal on Sunday, since my previous one left me feeling he was depressed and in danger of not working his recovery….
As I was getting ready to leave the phone rang…I saw it said Liberty Station….and there was the feeling again….that sickness in the pit of your stomach from so many phone calls before…when will that go away…I answer with..this is Violet, what’s wrong…I was informed Sal did not put his visitor request in the required 2 days in advance so I would not be able to see him….My heart sank…was this another way to punish me? Something prompted me to ask if I could go to the family educational session…why I did was not in my control…my first reaction was to say fine…he doesn’t follow the rules that is was happens….but those words did not come out of my mouth…much to my surprise I was told I could come….
The therapist told me she felt he did want to see me because on his goals he wrote to have a good visit with his mom…she felt he was testing the rules….so as a mother of an addict I felt here we go again….pushing the buttons…I should just stay home…but something inside me urged me to go…so I listened and went…
When I got there all the parents were with their kids…except me…and then the therapist said she was getting Sal because he needed to be there and I just would not be able to visit afterward…so there I sat…like so many times before…in the principal’s office….in court….getting out of jail….in rehab….waiting…waiting for him to be brought in to be told the bad news….he comes in and sits….and I think to myself what now….
But the session begins….we are given a worksheet….we have to list…2 things that we like about each other….we don’t like and that we need…..I give mine thought….Sal is done in record time….and I think doesn’t he think this is important….what is the matter with him….why do I continue to try…..well it comes to our turn and we have to read them out loud….I start with my first 2 and he responds with his….and he did give it thought after all…am I so quick to judge my own son….I am ashamed of myself….the summary of his responses were for me to not to continually dwell on past events and to praise him more when he does something right and continue to support him…..that was eye opening for me….is that what I have become….but he didn’t say it with hate….he understood my feelings…..maybe I need to learn from that….and then to the last question…I need____. Mine was pretty typical…stay clean…be part of the family…..get a plan and continue to work towards recovery……
His was I NEED YOU TO BE IN MY LIFE!!!!............
Wow…..for my son….who has buried his emotions….that was huge….of course….as the mother of an addict…..I did what I do best… cry……
Now I know why God sent me there…..I believe it was a test…..not just of obedience but for me to trust that I am not in control….that there is a plan…..and it is not mine….it is from a power greater than I can imagine….and if I believe not just when it’s easy but when it’s very difficult I can have the peace I so strive for not just in my life but my son’s…
This episode has opened my eyes that I need to separate my memories and feelings……those of the addict and those of my son…for truly they are not the same person….and I do tend to blend them….
Please God…grant me the wisdom to know the difference…..
Violet
As I was getting ready to leave the phone rang…I saw it said Liberty Station….and there was the feeling again….that sickness in the pit of your stomach from so many phone calls before…when will that go away…I answer with..this is Violet, what’s wrong…I was informed Sal did not put his visitor request in the required 2 days in advance so I would not be able to see him….My heart sank…was this another way to punish me? Something prompted me to ask if I could go to the family educational session…why I did was not in my control…my first reaction was to say fine…he doesn’t follow the rules that is was happens….but those words did not come out of my mouth…much to my surprise I was told I could come….
The therapist told me she felt he did want to see me because on his goals he wrote to have a good visit with his mom…she felt he was testing the rules….so as a mother of an addict I felt here we go again….pushing the buttons…I should just stay home…but something inside me urged me to go…so I listened and went…
When I got there all the parents were with their kids…except me…and then the therapist said she was getting Sal because he needed to be there and I just would not be able to visit afterward…so there I sat…like so many times before…in the principal’s office….in court….getting out of jail….in rehab….waiting…waiting for him to be brought in to be told the bad news….he comes in and sits….and I think to myself what now….
But the session begins….we are given a worksheet….we have to list…2 things that we like about each other….we don’t like and that we need…..I give mine thought….Sal is done in record time….and I think doesn’t he think this is important….what is the matter with him….why do I continue to try…..well it comes to our turn and we have to read them out loud….I start with my first 2 and he responds with his….and he did give it thought after all…am I so quick to judge my own son….I am ashamed of myself….the summary of his responses were for me to not to continually dwell on past events and to praise him more when he does something right and continue to support him…..that was eye opening for me….is that what I have become….but he didn’t say it with hate….he understood my feelings…..maybe I need to learn from that….and then to the last question…I need____. Mine was pretty typical…stay clean…be part of the family…..get a plan and continue to work towards recovery……
His was I NEED YOU TO BE IN MY LIFE!!!!............
Wow…..for my son….who has buried his emotions….that was huge….of course….as the mother of an addict…..I did what I do best… cry……
Now I know why God sent me there…..I believe it was a test…..not just of obedience but for me to trust that I am not in control….that there is a plan…..and it is not mine….it is from a power greater than I can imagine….and if I believe not just when it’s easy but when it’s very difficult I can have the peace I so strive for not just in my life but my son’s…
This episode has opened my eyes that I need to separate my memories and feelings……those of the addict and those of my son…for truly they are not the same person….and I do tend to blend them….
Please God…grant me the wisdom to know the difference…..
Violet
4 comments:
There is so much truth in what you have said. It is a hard journey for an addict's mom as well as for the teenage addict.
We cannot allow our emotions to cloud our reasoning.
I believe in the truth that WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL and that there is a HIGHER POWER THAT IS IN CONTROL.
The most significant changes happened within me when i put my son in God's hands.
Thank you so very much Violet, for sharing a part of your journey.
May God bless you and Sal abundantly.
It would have been easy to have given up on the family session along with the visit. You could have said, "If can't have the one -I don't want the other." Instead, you trusted your instincts. You have good instincts.
Your faith is an inspiration to all of us.
Sometimes I think of whitewater rafting. The current takes you along almost no matter what you do. Sometimes it seems like someone else is steering the raft. Sometimes it helps if I paddle and try to do a bit of steering. Sometimes it doesn't seem to matter what I do.
When the whitewater gets louder and louder I know my raft is going to shoot through the rapids. That's the scary part. Suddenly, I feel better if I know that my team of rafters is a good team. If we've all trained that gives me a bit of serenity.
Even if I do have a good team, it's a good time to ask for the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and like you mentioned, the wisdom to know the difference.
Thanks Violet for sharing this story with all of us.
Thank you, Violet, for sharing your story. I, too, have been there in that craziness storm.
Your faith and your story are a help to all of us. And the picture reminds us that there is a rainbow at the end -- a promise that it will end and that things will get normal again.
Just trying this out first
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