Conversation with a Liar. Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, October 18, 2010

There is no cure for the lying teenager although sometimes they stop lying. They sometimes decide to stop. Why? Not sure. Still, I believe that you can do two things at the same time that may steer your teenager towards telling the truth more.

1. Accept and love the liar just the way he is.

2. Gently prod him towards a more honest life by making decisions about him based on your knowledge that he is not honest. He has not earned trust. Do not trust even when and especially when you believe that he is telling the truth. It is not as important that you believe him to be telling the truth as is the point that he has not earned trust. His word is pretty meaningless and only by acting as though his word is meaningless can you continually drive home the true consequences for lying; i.e., "no one will believe you even when you are telling the truth."




Somehow the parent assumes the responsibility to know when his teenager is lying. Since we are the mother or the father we feel that we should be able to tell. In fact, as Probation Officer sometimes we pride ourselves on being able to tell when a youth is lying. We think that rewarding him when our internal lie detector is indicating "honest" and punishing him or withholding the reward when our internal lie detector indicates "lie," is the way to help.

When we do this we miss the main point. It is and should not be our responsibility to become a lie detector. Yes, sometimes we can tell but sometimes we can't. We can act the same whether or not our lie detector indicates yea or nea. That is the larger consequence. Even when the liar is telling the truth, we can't behave as if he just told us the truth. We have to wait and see. We have to find out for ouselves.

Your son or daughter may be a good liar. You can't always tell and even if you could it is not your responsibility to be a good lie detector- it is his responsibility to be a good truth teller. When we take that responsibility off of him we are enabling him. When we believe him and act as if he is now a truth teller, we rescue him from the consequences of his repetitive lying. That's the definition of enabling: rescuing from the consequences.

Me: Hey, I hear you really did have that cell phone after all?

Julia: Ya. I did.

Me: Cause the last time we talked, you told me that you didn't' have it and that someone was framing you.

Julia: Well, I knew you'd tell them if I told you the truth.

Me: You're right! I would have told them.

Julia: I know.

Me: So, you had to lie! You had no choice.

Julia: Right.

Me: You were forced to lie- you got yourself into a situation where lying was your only option.

Julia: Yeah

Me: Seems like you get into a jam like that a lot, you know, get yourself into a spot where you are forced to tell a lie.

Julia: Well, yeah

Me: Yeah, do you remember what I said when you told me that you didn't have a cell phone.

Julia: No,

Me: I said that you have already admitted that you don't tell the truth until you have to tell the truth; you know until you are caught.

Julia: Well, I wanted to tell you myself and I don't appreciate it that they already told you.

Me: You were going to tell me- I know you were.

Julia: Exactly

Me: You always tell me the truth "after you are caught" not before right?

Julia: Right, but I should have been able to tell you in person- not over the phone.

Me: Right, no doubt that would have been better.

Me: You know what's funny?

Julia: What?

Me: Even after all the lies you told me-I kinda believed you or at least I really wanted to believe you this time.

Julia: I know

Me: I guess you're a really good liar.

Julia: Yeah but that's bad.

Me: Not all the time it's not bad. Sometimes it's good.

Julia: When?

Me: Well, if you were a undercover cop and you had to make heroin buys and put the drug dealers in jail. If they ask you if you were a cop and you said, 'No, I'm not a cop" and then they go to jail. That would be a good job for you cause you really are a good liar!

Julia: Laughs

Me: Or if you were a spy. If you lived in Russia and you were trying to find out important intelligence then you'd be good in that job, cause you're a really good liar, huh?

Julia: Yeah, I guess

Me: Or what if you were an attorney? Some attorney's lie don't they?

Julia: Yep.

Me: So that would be a good job for you- cause you're a good liar, huh?

Julia: I guess so but it's not good for people to think you are a good liar.

Me: Well that depends doesn't it? Cause I don't think you are embarrassed at all by it; you know, by being a good liar- I think you kinda like that.

Julia: Sometimes.

Me: It's a challenge for you to see if you can dupe the PO, it's fun for you to lie and know that I "fell for it again" right?

Julia: Not really.

Me: Well I think maybe it is fun for you- but even if it was you might not tell me cause...

Julia: ...cause I'm a good liar?

Me: Right. But that's not always a bad thing.

Me: Think if you were a department store Santa Claus at Christmas time. And some little kid on your lap wants to know if he can have a Play Station Three for Christmas? You would be really good at that job cause you wouldn't say, 'Sorry Kid, this is just a photo opp! I'm not connected with the real Santa Clause at all. In fact, there is no real Santa Clause is there?

Me: That would suck for the kid so it's a good thing that there are people who are good liars.

Me: What if you were kidnapped by bad guys and they were going to torture you to find me? But you didn't' want to tell them that they could find me at my office in Wilkinsburg so it would be great if you told them I moved to Tanzania. That could throw them off the track and save my life! You'd be totally good at that!

Julia: Yeah, I'm not sure where you're going with this.

Me: Yeah, I can see that you don't. I'm just wondering how this lying is working for you in recovery? I think I heard somewhere that part of the recovery deal is "honesty in all our affairs." Isn't that a cornerstone of recovery?

Julia: Yeah. But I'm not there yet.

Me: Well, yeah, I agree with that- you are certainly not there yet. But you probably aren't the only addict who struggles with that are you?

Julia: No.

Me: Maybe it's harder to stay clean if you continue lying- i'm not sure how that is for you.

Me: I have to tell you something.

Julia: What?

Me: I'm not really surprised that you lied about the cell phone. Cause I knew you don't tell the truth. I mean, you sounded honest when you told me, but I remembered that you are a really good liar and so I didn't really believe you. Sort of. I mean I wanted to believe you but really I think even when you are telling the truth I just don't believe you anymore. Remember I said, if you were lying right now I wouldn't know it?

Julia: Yeah.
pause

Me: Anyway, I'm coming over to see in person tomorrow and we can discuss it. Me, and Patti and Joan.

Julia: Why does Pattie have to be there? She will try to make me look bad.

Me: I suppose she will.

Julia: I don't want her to be there.

Me: Yeah, but she has to be there.

Julia: Why?

Me: Well, because she works there for one thing. For another, I really can't really believe what you say can I? I mean I don't say it to be mean cause I think you are trying to be more honest, and you didn't rob a bank or anything, but being honest is a real challenge for you isn't it?

Julia: Yeah, so?

Me: So that's one reason why I need Patti there- to confirm the real story.

Julia: I'm already caught. I'm telling you the real story.

Me: Sure, sure I know but even when I believe you I really can't believe you. I'm sorry. I can't be sure anymore.

Julia: Oh.

Me: Yeah, so I'll see you tomorrow OK? We'll all talk.

Julia: She's going to try to use this lying against me. She's going to keep bringing it up.

Me: Yup. I'm sure she is.

Julia: I hate that.

Me: Not much apparently.

Julia: What do you mean?

Me: Just that I didn't think that you were that embarrassed cause if you were I thought you'd quit lying and I can see that you haven't done that. I think you're a little embarrassed when you get caught but I also think you think it's cool to put one over on the ole PO.

Julia: Yeah, sort of.

Me: OK, well thanks for this candid discussion. I'm going to try to remember that you're a really good liar. Maybe someday you'll have one of those jobs where it helps to be a good liar. Until then, I'll try to remember that I can't always tell if your lying, you know, like you said, that you don't admit nothing until you're caught red-handed. That's helpful that you admitted that- thanks, really that makes it easier for me to know how to respond to situations.

Julia: I don't think I like that.

Note: The liar won't stop lying over night. It's going to be a long process. At some point a challenge maybe in order. Something big that the teen wants. Tell him that you challenge him that if he could tell no lies for a period of time then he can have the prize and then say that you're not worried about it because you don't think they can go, for example, three months without telling a lie. They say they can. The challenge is on.

Don't make a bribe out of it. A bribe is presented at the time of the negative (lying) behavior. Wait until they want something and then challenge them. Don't present it at the time of the lie per se. Bribes reinforce negative behavior. Challenges, however, are the biggest motivators. The teen should almost come up with this himself or at least feel that it was sort of his idea too.

If he fails the challenge, tell him lying isn't overcome easily and don't berate them. Let him know it's OK to fail but on the other hand, don't give them the prize either. Set a new challenge if appropriate. Make the challenge difficult enough so that the teen will really have accomplished something.

The premise to this approach is that there is a struggle going on with the liar. He is a rebel. The more you try to force him to tell the truth, the more he needs to lie to prove that he is his own man. Let him know that you know he more than likely can't stop lying. That you expect that. That it factors daily in your decisions.

Suddenly, he is not a rebel. He is, by continuing to lie, doing what you expect him to do. You've just taken the fun out of lying. Now he is predictable and all your decisions about him factor in this one idea: that even when he is telling the truth you can not believe him. He is a great guy in so many ways but his word is pretty meaningless. Now you ride it out. Don't expect changes over night but over time, and time is now on your side, he may grow tired of doing the predictable dishonest thing. And when he seems ready for a challenge- go for it.

This girl above is over 20 years old. She asked me when I am going to close her case. I told her if she could not lie and not get into trouble for sneaky behaviors at the recovery house where she lives, that I would check with the other professionals and with her parents and "shake on it" when I come over to see her. Then, if possible I will make a deal to close her case in three months if she can be honest and refrain from getting in trouble.

Julia: Oh, that's great, I have something to motivate me and now I'm going to really do great here.

Me: I hope you'll pardon me if I tell you that I have trouble believing that.

Julia: Why? It's true.

Me: It certainly sounds true, but I've learned that I can't believe what you say and I think that even if you mean it to be true- it will be very hard for you go three months without getting into trouble or lying. I think a day without a lie for you is like a day without sunshine.

Julia: That's ridiculous.

Me: I agree it does sound ridiculous. But then, I think it was ridiculous for you to lie about the cell phone but there you have it.

Julia: I'm going to prove you wrong.

Me: I think I wouldn't mind being proved wrong but once again, pardon me if I don't hold my breath waiting for you to become honest!


Final thoughts: It is really important that parents and professionals refrain from telling the even the white lie around the liar. If the liar sees that we also lie occasionally, that becomes a justification for them to continue to lie. Also, teens will imitate adults so lets become one of the good role models for our teenager.

"Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure that there is one less rascal in the world." Thomas Carlyle

What is the Difference Between a Sociopath, a Compulsive, a Pathological, a Chronic, and a Habitual Liar? Click here for answer. Keep in mind that this approach recommended above is more appropriate for an habitual liar, not for a teenager who has told a lie but not very often.

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