Three-Card Monte and Your Oppositional Teen By Ralph Kramden Posted by:Sally--Sunday, October 17, 2010

...you win Three Card Monte by not playing. Don't give your teen that same old nugget of enabling, letting him, or her, know that it's OK to toss down and shuffle the Red Queen. You won't win.


　Alice and I continue to help our teenage son, Ed, through his recovery. Ed is cleared to leave his current placement as soon as an appropriate high school is found and Ed is enrolled. You see, Ed can't go back to his old high school, because it is both a "people" and "places" problem for him, even though it's comfortable and would eliminate a new school adjustment.

Alice and I, along with our attack-dog-on-a-leash PO, have been very clear about that, despite multiple requests from Ed: "We agree with you that it would be the easiest school to go to, nevertheless, your old high school is (move in a few inches closer) OFF THE TABLE."

We could have given Ed multiple reasons why it's a REALLY BAD idea to go back to his old high school. We even tried to explain it to Ed. But in the end, he didn't hear any of the explanation until after he knew, "it's really off the table."

So, we have been in the process of finding a new high school for Ed, and one quickly bubbled to the top of our list because of its format and help that Ed would continue to get. If his recovery continues, Ed could even graduate from this high school in a few years, our only real educational goal for Ed.

So, there is a lot involved in getting Ed enrolled in a school that's not on the normal list. Plus, Ed is going to have to interview the school while they are interviewing him. Ed could easily have a bad attitude about the whole thing, since it's not his first choice.

He could have the attitude, "What? I don't get my old high school? Well, I'm just going to mess up the whole process. I don't care if I stay in placement for another year if it means I don't get my pick of schools."

That would be the definition of a very oppositional teen.

Well, Ed didn't say that. We believe he's not quite that defiant, especially when he's not trying to protect his addiction. Plus, Ed still wants to get out of placement. He still values freedom and a normal life over derailing his parents or the PO.

But just how oppositional is Ed?

There is a street game called Three Card Monte. It's actually not a game, but a scam. You see, the player can never win. There are three playing cards, usually two clubs or spades and a red queen.

The cards are bent down the middle of the long side so that they stand slightly off the table. The "tosser" lets you see the cards and begins rapidly laying them face down on the table and moving them around.

Your job is to pick where the queen is.

Since you saw the queen before the lay-down and shuffle, you can follow it and guess its location. Except that you're wrong! The queen was never laid where you first thought it was. If you do accidentally guess the real location of the queen, the tosser has a shill who will disrupt the game and void your bet. You can't win except in the beginning when the tosser is trying to reel you in.

This scam is called Find the Lady in England, and Bonneteau in France.

The same game is also called the Shell Game and played with a small marker and three cups or shells. The difference in that version is that the marker is secretly removed until after any (always wrong) shell is chosen. You can never win unless you can choose all three shells at once.

What does Three Card Monte have to do with oppositional teens, you may be asking?

Of course, some of you who read this blog have already figured it out. The answer is NOT that you can't win. But rather, you win Three Card Monte by not playing.

Don't give your teen that same old nugget of enabling (letting him or her know that it's OK to toss down and shuffle the red queen). You won't win.

The answer is, we need to be the tosser. Toss your teen some healthy challenges that they can figure out and grow from. Toss them a black queen, because life is going to do that to them until they can figure out life isn't about crime, drugs, or even them.

Toss them all hearts: love, pride, and respect so that they don't have to play Three Card Monte with you or the world!

So, back to the oppositional teen and Ed.

We've been learning to challenge our teens, especially non-suicidal, oppositional ones, by giving them a counter opinion or using "reverse psychology" to build up the opposite position. We can even take it to an extreme opposite to help them see how ridiculous the other side is.

Statements like, "I know this is going to be very hard for you, honey. I'm not sure if you can make it.", seem to motivate teens. Or, "I think it would be OK or up to you if you run away from treatment."

So, I wanted to try this and test to see if it really works. I was too afraid to say, "Ed, I think you will hate the school you are interviewing this week." Like all parents, I'm still learning how to be a parent even though Ed is our youngest of four.

It's a whole new parenting technique that you have to learn for teens with addictive behaviors, too.

So, I feel as stupid as a new parent. You've seen them: the ones who leave the diaper bag in the car and have to punt when an explosion happens. You only get caught on that one once.

And a "hate-the-school" statement isn't quite right either -- it's just an opposite of what I thought, not a strategic twist to counter or build up. So, instead I said, "Mom and I think this school is a really good school choice because of blah, blah, and blah. However, your PO thinks you won't like the school."

The unsaid implication: "You won't like it. So, interview with that in mind." I haven't yet mastered the ability to verbally twist my opinions, so I used another person that teens like to be oppositional with: the PO.

Then I let Alice know, in case there was a question. Well, there were questions!

Ed asks Alice during the interview why the PO would think he didn't like this school. Alice pleads ignorance or insanity. The latter a good defense around teens sometimes.

Kathie T., along for the interview, probably thinks the PO has lost his mind. And Ed calls me immediately after the interview and wants to know what the PO doesn't like about the school. Is there something wrong with it? What does the PO know that he doesn't?!? And where is that pesky red queen? Ed didn't find her.

Well, you can easily guess the next outcome...

...Ed likes the school. While it's not his high school, it is OK and he wants to go there. And, he proved the PO wrong. Ed might be thinking something like this, "That PO doesn't know what he's talking about. It's a good school. Isn't it a great feeling that I can be in control and make my own decisions without that bothersome PO telling me what to do? I might even be smarter than that PO."

He FOUND my opinion about the school by thinking through, in a reverse way, the other opinion. It worked!

For my part, I still am working on learning how to do the twist without over doing it. The technique is to not state (or not over-state) your "great" idea or opinion on the subject, but to state an opinion that allows THEM to THINK about the idea before they act on it.

Further, if the teen is always or sometimes oppositional, and what teen isn’t, you would be agreeing with them, if you state the reverse idea or opinion from yours.

It’s a great technique, if you can get away from the controlling-parent mode and into the teen-helper mode.

Next time, I think I'll try exploring and twisting one of my own opinions, instead of making up an opinion for the PO. It's a lot less complicated that way when your teen and the person whose opinion you made up, are looking for the red queen.

Our PO, who is now clued in to the experiment also, reminds me that we didn't have a Control, so scientifically we don't know if the outcome would have been different had the twist not been brought up. This is true, however, Ed's level of interest in the PO's (fake) statement, at the very least, gives us a clue that teens care about opposing statements.

The PO says that teens ALWAYS love to prove him wrong, and while we don't really know how oppositional Ed would have been, in general, all teens also love to prove their parents wrong. It seems at least that Ed was thinking through having two different, opposing ideas.

Finally, I found something interesting recently that said teens need to be somewhat oppositional, at least to some small degree. It is actually a sign of a healthy teen when he or she is being a little rebellious against the parental control.

The theory stated that it is how they learn to grow up. It is the teen saying, "I want to make more of my own decisions. Even if I screw up, at least it's my decision."

That, as long as it’s not a "safety" issue, is a healthy thing. Teens do have to grow up sometime. And it's probably better that they learn to grow up before they learn to be experts at tossing Three Card Monte at us -- or in the street.

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