Finding Cisco - Parts 3, 4 & 5 Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, October 21, 2010

Sally and I are the parents of Cisco, a teenage addict. We visited a PSST meeting in early 2007 and felt a bit intimidated. We then worked with his school, several private counselors and a Dual Diagnosis Program but Cisco’s addictive behavior just kept getting worse. It wasn’t until we came back to PSST in May 2009 that we discovered that our own codependent behavior was a big part of Cisco’s addiction. Since then Cisco has been in and out of juvenile detention, several recovery programs, relapsed and he has made significant progress. So have Sally and I.

In July Sally and I stood up in court and asked for an extension of Cisco’s probation. This turned out to be significant because…

...When Cisco disappeard we had the help we needed to find him.

PART 3 – Saturday at Midnight, Time to Sit and Wait

Click here to go to Finding Cisco Parts 1 & 2

We got to Jack’s house just in time. Jack was about to get into his car with some friends and head out to Eat ‘n Park for the midnight buffet. At least these kids didn’t appear intoxicated. The P.O. and I got out of our car to talk to him. We asked Jack if we could take a look inside of his house just to make sure that Cisco really wasn’t in there, just to satisfy the P.O.’s curiosity. We searched and didn’t find any signs of Cisco.

We asked Jack if he had any more messages concerning Cisco. He said no and that if Cisco got in touch with him that he would continue to tell him to turn himself back in. The P.O. still wasn’t buying it that Jack didn’t know more. Like most teens, Jack follows the Teen “Code” - #1 No Snitching.

So now where? Back to grandmas? We decided, based on the tips we were getting, to try Bambi’s place just one more time.


We were met at the door by Bambi’s stepdad who was more than happy to talk with us. He even had Bambi come to the door to talk one more time. The P.O. did not mince words with her and asked her what she was on. She became very agitated (no surprise here again) and kind of slurred out that she was “ex-schream-a-ly in-shault-ed” by the P.O. (doing her best Foster Brooks impersonation). The P.O. half-heartedly apologized and asked Bambi if she had seen or heard anything about Cisco. Through the fog she replied that she didn’t know anything.

After she left the stepdad closed the door and came out into the front yard with us. He explained that he had searched the basement and garage and let the dog out into the backyard. He was sure that Cisco was not anywhere near the house. The P.O. asked him what he thought that Bambi was on. He replied that it was probably some weed. He told us that Bambi was just as bad as her older sister that they had already kicked out. They were just waiting for Bambi to turn 18 in a few months so that they could throw her out and have some peace in the house.

Please note: whenever we discuss “detachment” from an addict this is NOT what we are talking about.

So now what? It was almost midnight. We could go back to Jack’s place or grandma’s house or try yet another “friend” of Cisco. We decided to call it a night. I was tired and figured that Cisco was hiding somewhere for the night. The P.O. agreed because he had to be at work by 8:00 a.m.

Sally and I were sitting on the couch having some hot tea and discussing our night when we got the next call from the P.O. He said that he was really sorry to bother us but asked if we still had some pictures of Cisco. He had returned to grandma’s and was waiting for the police to assist him in a search of Chrissie’s bedroom. I decided that I wasn’t all that tired and told the P.O. that I would be right there.

As I was walking down the driveway I got that feeling. I’ll swear that Cisco was nearby and watching the house at that point. I looked around but couldn’t make anything out in the dark.

When I got near grandma’s I spotted a police car but it was at the wrong end of the street. Then I spotted the P.O. driving away from the house. The P.O. told me that he thought that Chrissie and her brother might have spotted him sitting in front of the house and decided to move away to wait for the police. Then he went to see why the police car was at the other end of the street. He found out that there was a burglary in progress which of course took precedence. We understood.

Around 1:00 a.m. we went back down to grandma’s and waited in the car for our police escort. Nothing happened.

Around 2:00 a.m. the P.O. called the police dispatcher and was told that they were currently downtown booking the burglary suspect and would not be available until around 3:00 a.m. I noted the irony that once more; here I was out searching for my son on a dark chilly night while he was probably in someone’s nice warm house sleeping or who knows what else. Nothing happened. Around 2:45 the P.O. asked me if I wanted to wait or call it quits. Without a warrant we had no authority to search the house. We doubted that grandma would be in the mood to allow us in, even with a police escort.

I replied that I could wait but that I was not the one that needed to be at work in five hours. We called it quits.

I went home, locked up the house and had a wonderful night’s (what was left of it) sleep.

PART 4 – Sunday, The Return of Our Son

Sunday morning Sally and I got up and left for the Vatican Splendors Exhibition at the Heinz History Center. Sally had purchased tickets a few weeks earlier. Feeling a little better that Cisco was at least in the neighborhood gave us enough relief that we could relax. We of course were still concerned about who he was with and what drugs he might have used but this was something that we didn’t cause and that we couldn’t change. We decided to enjoy the show.

We were there for about 30 minutes and reading about Emperor Constantine when my phone vibrated. The number was “Unavailable” but I knew it was Cisco. He said “Dad, I don’t want to die.” I agreed that I didn’t want him to die and asked where he was. He said that he was at Bruegger's. I told him to wait there and we would pick him up. He said he would start walking home. We went to Bruegger’s but he had already left. We drove home the way that he should have been walking but didn’t spot him. Sally called the P.O. and left a message. We got home and there was no sign of him. We decided to wait and hope that he was still on his way. We decided that we needed to quietly get him to sit on the patio and discuss how he was doing physically and mentally. We also decided that after about 15 minutes one of us would come up with an excuse to go back into the house and then phone the P.O. again.

Sally was the first to spot him and met him on the patio. She brought out some water for him and gave him a big hug. She made some small talk about the garden work we had done on Saturday and had him sit down and relax.

When I made it to the patio he was explaining how he had spent most of the night in the woods behind our house. He mentioned that Sally came the closest to finding him. While she was looking in Bambi’s closet he was only a few feet away between the bed and the wall under some pillows and blankets. He said that he did not stay at Bambi’s because he was afraid of the stepdad. He could not get Jack to let him in so he spent a sleepless night in the woods behind our house.

Around 7:00 a.m. he tried to get another “friend” to let him crash at his house. His “friend” would not open the door and told him to go home and to turn himself in. Instead he walked to McDonald’s to warm up. He finally decided to call us and see what options he had.

I told him that we would discuss his options with his P.O. at Shuman Center. He said that he would not go. I told him that he only had two choices; he could come peacefully in the car with us or I would call 911 and have the police take him in. He asked if we would give him a 10 minute head start before we called the cops. I told him absolutely “No.” Cisco surprised both of us with his reaction. He took off his serenity bracelet and his watch, put his cigarettes, lighter and wallet on the table and put his head down and cried. It was an unusual show of emotion by Cisco.

Sally gave him another hug. I told him, once more, that we did love him and that is why we needed him to get clean and stay clean. I explained that when all of his friends were telling him to go away we were waiting for him to come home. I told him that he is our son, and will always be our son, and that we want to help him not die.

Sally excused herself to get some food and to make that call to the P.O. to be sure that he was at Shuman and waiting. Cisco admitted that he did the wrong thing and was kind of sorry now. I asked him if he wanted to go back to his recovery program and he wasn’t sure. I said that is okay and we could discuss it at Shuman over the next day or two.

Sally came out with some chicken soup and pierogies. Cisco said that he wanted to recover but that he wanted to do it "his way". He didn’t want to do it the P.O.’s way, he didn’t want to do it our way and he didn’t need to be in a program. I quietly explained that the last two times we left it up to "his way" he couldn't do it. I quoted from the Nar-a-non meetings we had attended together “You will end up one of three ways; you will recover, you will end up in jail or you will end up dead.” Cisco agreed and told us that the last two ways might not be so bad. I repeated that I did not ever want to see him die. I did not even want to see him in jail. I told him that I had seen some of my friends and coworkers that had recovered, some that had gone to jail and, sadly, a few that had died from their addiction. I repeated that only he can make that choice and that I only hoped that it would be to live a clean and sober life.

Sally told him that his P.O. was on the phone and would like to talk to him. Cisco and his P.O. went over the same issues and the P.O. explained to Cisco that we would get him into the program that would suit him the best. His P.O. told him that the people at his current recovery program thought that he was doing really well. They were surprised that he walked away and they would like him to come back but he would need to test clean of all drugs and alcohol first.

Cisco’s head finally started to clear and he agreed that we could start with a trip to Shuman and talk over his future with the P.O. but not until he could change his socks and underwear that he had been wearing for four days.

Part 5 – Back to the Present, One Day at a Time

This episode had a good ending. I won’t say happy because we are not quite there yet. We will continue to take each day as it comes. We accept that this has been another step in Cisco’s recovery. For now we know that Cisco has 4 days clean and is in a safe place. Cisco knows that we are still here for him. Sally and I are back to our “regular” lives and can relax for the day.

Tuesday night at Gateway Parent’s Night we discussed how once in a while we remember the little kid we used to have. The kid that enjoyed their family, some good friends and activities, the kid that liked to talk and joke with us. We were full of hope and dreams for them, then. Then this disease, this addictive behavior, whatever you call it; it came along and took our kid away.

Not all at once, it took a few years for that kid to disappear. The best we can do now is to keep ourselves healthy so that we can help our child get the help they need to heal themselves. It will not happen overnight. Just like this episode, we will take one step at a time. And yes they will trip once in a while but if we can keep ourselves in good shape we can be there to help them up. And if all works out well we may get some of our kid back again.

These first three steps of Nar-anon are a big help to get you started.

1. We admitted we were powerless over the Addict -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Our Higher Power as we understood it.

Once again we truly want to thank our team at Allegheny County Probation (especially Cisco's P.O.) and at Wesley Spectrum for helping our family through this latest crisis. And of course we want to give a big thanks to all of the professionals and parents at PSST, and at Gateway Squirrel Hill, who have turned our lives around and who are always there to support and encourage us.

Share