Kathie Tagmyer pointed out to me after this last meeting that some of the reluctance parents have in making the agreeing statement is that they are afraid of the slippery slope. Parents do not want the teenager to think that they agree with the what the teenager is saying, i.e., that teenager should run away, that no one loves them, that they are being victimized, that the parent put them away because they don't want them anymore, etc. Good point!
We don't want the teenager to think we agree with all that. That is why we have a "twist" to our agreement. Actually, as Kathie suggested, in order to avoid the slippery slope, we must have the twist in mind before we make the agreeing statement. Also, we decide what slice of the pie to agree with and we don't want to buy the whole pie.
Therefore before making the agreeing statement ask yourself this question: How can I twist some part of that to introduce my talking point?
It seems complicated and I'm sure that readers are saying, "Boy, this really demands a lot of thinking on my feet." Yes and No. It does require thinking on your feet; however, these issues tend to repeat themselves over and over with our teenage population. You can expect them to repeat their themes over and over. It's what teenagers do. Therefore, you have only to formulate some ready twists for some themes that you have heard over and over. That is why the role-plays we do at PSST are so important. This is our laboratory and this is where we can hear what themes you parents have to listen to, and what twist/ agreements that we have ready.
I'm going to list what I think might be common themes and put some twist/ agreements down after each one.
Theme #1: Abandoned in Placement
Teen: You abandoned me here! You haven't done anything to try to get me home! You're just happy to leave me here forever! Just lock up ole Suzie and throw away the key!
Dad: I've left you here to rot apparently.
Teen: Yes, exactly!
Dad: I'm just realizing how correct that is...
Teen: What is?
Dad: What you are saying. It's right. I'm prepared to leave you here as long as I feel that you are more safe here than you are at home. I'm not sure that I knew this until you said what you said and you helped me realize that, yeah, I'm prepared to leave you here for as long as possible because I am so worried that drugs are going to kill you.
Theme #2: That's messed up, what you just said!
Teen: I can't believe you just said that! That is so horrible!
Dad: It is horrible. This addiction is a horrible nasty thing and it makes people say nasty things about it. And it's so hard to recover from it, isn't it?
Theme #3: I'm going to run away if blah blah blah [things don't work out the way i want or if I don't get released when I think I should] and you'll never catch me.
Teen: I've had it with you and with all these morons up here [in placement]. If you don't talk to someone, send some texts or emails or whatever you do with my Probation Officer to get me out of here- then I'm running. And you'll never catch me.
Option A:
Mom: I could talk to someone. They might listen to me I don't know. Maybe they would let you out if caused a stink about it.
Teen: Yes! So you will try to get me out?
Mom: No, but I think it was a good try on your part! You're desperate to get out of here. You'd do just about anything to get out of here at your release date and since that looks more and more like it's not going to happen- you're feeling desperate.
Option: B
Dad: You might be hard to find if you ran away.
Teen: Duh! That's what I'm trying to tell you! You better help me get out of here and I mean fast. Do you hear me?
Dad: Yes, I hear you. You are feeling like running. When things don't go your way, you run. That's the old Suzie, or so I hoped.
Teen: I'm not kidding here Dad you better listen up and listen up good before it's too late! This is no time for your little PSST tricks that you learned wasting your perfectly good time on a Saturday morning.
Dad: You're right. This is really important what you are saying. I would feel terrible if your ran away and were out there on the road. I know it's dangerous out there.
Teen: Not for me.
Dad: You could handle yourself on the road so much better than I could. You know me, I don't like to shower anywhere but home- oh and when it comes to going to bathroom there is no place like home- but you're not like me. You can sleep under a tree or whatever but boy I need my memory foam mattress to get a nice sleep.
Teen: I like it at home too.
Dad: Well you're going to run so I don't think I'm not sure it's as important to you as it is to me, that's all I'm saying.
on and on and on - this one could go on forever but the long and short of it is that dad is going to agree that the placement agency needs to raise security, take her shoes, put her on one-on-one etc and thank her for at least being honest enough to let you know- oh and yeah, "this is just one of the reasons that I am Not Comfortable with you coming home right now. When the going gets tough you'll just split. And I agree- that is exactly what you might do!"
(This is a post-in-progress, so hopefully each time you return to this post it will be a little more developed. You can help me write this post by listing some major themes that you hear from your teenager in the comment section.)
We don't want the teenager to think we agree with all that. That is why we have a "twist" to our agreement. Actually, as Kathie suggested, in order to avoid the slippery slope, we must have the twist in mind before we make the agreeing statement. Also, we decide what slice of the pie to agree with and we don't want to buy the whole pie.
Therefore before making the agreeing statement ask yourself this question: How can I twist some part of that to introduce my talking point?
It seems complicated and I'm sure that readers are saying, "Boy, this really demands a lot of thinking on my feet." Yes and No. It does require thinking on your feet; however, these issues tend to repeat themselves over and over with our teenage population. You can expect them to repeat their themes over and over. It's what teenagers do. Therefore, you have only to formulate some ready twists for some themes that you have heard over and over. That is why the role-plays we do at PSST are so important. This is our laboratory and this is where we can hear what themes you parents have to listen to, and what twist/ agreements that we have ready.
I'm going to list what I think might be common themes and put some twist/ agreements down after each one.
Theme #1: Abandoned in Placement
Teen: You abandoned me here! You haven't done anything to try to get me home! You're just happy to leave me here forever! Just lock up ole Suzie and throw away the key!
Dad: I've left you here to rot apparently.
Teen: Yes, exactly!
Dad: I'm just realizing how correct that is...
Teen: What is?
Dad: What you are saying. It's right. I'm prepared to leave you here as long as I feel that you are more safe here than you are at home. I'm not sure that I knew this until you said what you said and you helped me realize that, yeah, I'm prepared to leave you here for as long as possible because I am so worried that drugs are going to kill you.
Theme #2: That's messed up, what you just said!
Teen: I can't believe you just said that! That is so horrible!
Dad: It is horrible. This addiction is a horrible nasty thing and it makes people say nasty things about it. And it's so hard to recover from it, isn't it?
Theme #3: I'm going to run away if blah blah blah [things don't work out the way i want or if I don't get released when I think I should] and you'll never catch me.
Teen: I've had it with you and with all these morons up here [in placement]. If you don't talk to someone, send some texts or emails or whatever you do with my Probation Officer to get me out of here- then I'm running. And you'll never catch me.
Option A:
Mom: I could talk to someone. They might listen to me I don't know. Maybe they would let you out if caused a stink about it.
Teen: Yes! So you will try to get me out?
Mom: No, but I think it was a good try on your part! You're desperate to get out of here. You'd do just about anything to get out of here at your release date and since that looks more and more like it's not going to happen- you're feeling desperate.
Option: B
Dad: You might be hard to find if you ran away.
Teen: Duh! That's what I'm trying to tell you! You better help me get out of here and I mean fast. Do you hear me?
Dad: Yes, I hear you. You are feeling like running. When things don't go your way, you run. That's the old Suzie, or so I hoped.
Teen: I'm not kidding here Dad you better listen up and listen up good before it's too late! This is no time for your little PSST tricks that you learned wasting your perfectly good time on a Saturday morning.
Dad: You're right. This is really important what you are saying. I would feel terrible if your ran away and were out there on the road. I know it's dangerous out there.
Teen: Not for me.
Dad: You could handle yourself on the road so much better than I could. You know me, I don't like to shower anywhere but home- oh and when it comes to going to bathroom there is no place like home- but you're not like me. You can sleep under a tree or whatever but boy I need my memory foam mattress to get a nice sleep.
Teen: I like it at home too.
Dad: Well you're going to run so I don't think I'm not sure it's as important to you as it is to me, that's all I'm saying.
on and on and on - this one could go on forever but the long and short of it is that dad is going to agree that the placement agency needs to raise security, take her shoes, put her on one-on-one etc and thank her for at least being honest enough to let you know- oh and yeah, "this is just one of the reasons that I am Not Comfortable with you coming home right now. When the going gets tough you'll just split. And I agree- that is exactly what you might do!"
(This is a post-in-progress, so hopefully each time you return to this post it will be a little more developed. You can help me write this post by listing some major themes that you hear from your teenager in the comment section.)
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