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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Summary of Nov 13, 2010 Wexford PSST Meeting
We had another very encouraging turn-out at Saturday’s PSST Meeting in Wexford led by our PSST Pros, Val, Lloyd, Rebecca from Allegheny County Juvenile Probation and Kathie T and Jocelyn from Wesley Spectrum.
There were 16 PSST Parents representing 13 families.
We had a nice mix of new and regular PSST parents, as well as a veteran PSST Mom returning to share her story. We know them here as Sally & Rocco, Becky & Tom, Jessica, Emily & Bob, Marcie, Jane, Lois, Daisy, Violet, Ralph, Lindy Lou, Posey, and this week’s returning Alumna PSST Parent Jasmine.
LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD MEN!
Notice that we had four (4) dads in attendance. The moms usually outnumber the dads by about 3 or 4 to 1 at our PSST meetings. And that is okay. There are a lot of reasons for the Dads not making it in; work, appointments, younger sisters and brothers to care for and, from our very own experience, not wanting to leave our teen and our home unprotected. Hopefully this shortage of men is not a stubborn thing, a pride thing, an “I don’t ask for directions” thing, or a macho thing. If you dads can make it we would really appreciate hearing your opinon and your ideas.
LET'S TALK
Please note: Because of the great turnout this post is a little longer than usual.
Each of us had a chance to share and discuss our own situations and our issues with our children in various stages of recovery.
Becky and Tom’s 16 year old son recently began an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. He admitted that he understands and accepts that he is there because of his behavior. That is an important first step.
It feels awkward, at first, to have your child away in a recovery program. Never the less you begin to feel better as you understand that they are clean, safe and under the care of professionals. They are also away from the people, places and things that trigger their unhealthy behavior.
This is not a time to feel guilty. This is your quiet time to sort things out and to realize that the juvenile hearing is not your hearing. It is your teen’s hearing. The consequences are not yours they are your teen’s consequences. The unacceptable behavior is not your behavior. It is your teen’s behavior. You need to tackle your own codependent behavior. This is known as “Detaching” with love or as one of our veteran PSST Parents prefers to use the term “Refocus”.
Click on “A Time to Hold On, A Time to Let Go" for more on detaching / refocusing.
"Detaching with Love is a difficult but very necessary step in regaining emotional health. It is a lifelong commitment to one's recovery and is something that needs to be practiced daily. You can still love your child, but you need to recognize when your relationship has become too entangled, co-dependent and unhealthy."
Thanks for being part of PSST Becky and Tom; we hope things continue to go well for you.
PLEASE NOTE: Using the “Hey, they will turn 18 soon, they will be out on the street, then it is all their problem!” Method is NOT Detaching. It is destructive behavior for you and for your teen. At best it is enabling their continued behavior. It is not recommended in any case.
Emily and Bob are friends of Becky and Tom. They came to their first PSST meeting at Becky and Toms urging. Their son, Howard, is 16 and is also scheduled for a hearing in Juvenile Court. They were concerned about their son’s “record” as a result of the hearing and the possibility of his doing up to 90 days in Shuman Juvenile Detention Center. We briefly went over what a juvenile hearing was about and that short of a violent act most juvenile crimes can be expunged from their record.
The Expungement generally depends on
1. Type of Offense.
2. Age, History of Employment, Criminal Activity and any drug-alcohol problems.
3. Adverse consequences that someone might experience if their record was not expunged.
4. Protection of public safety.
Click on Lloyd’s Post “Expungement of Juvenile Court records” for further information on this.
As we discussed it is time to realize that this juvenile hearing is not your hearing. It is your teen’s hearing.
The consequences are your teen’s consequences. Parents invest so much into their teen’s issues, many much more than the teen does.
The key to a juvenile hearing is to get some good advice and counseling ahead of time (PSST is a great place to start). Collect and keep any evidence in a safe place. Write down as much information as you can remember. Decide what you think the best outcome for your teen is. Be prepared to stand up in court and explain it. What you have to say is very important.
Finally allow your teen to have reasonable consequences for their actions. Too many times parents are ready to jump in and save their children from paying their debts legally and financially. This is another enabling behavior.
We appreciate you coming to PSST Emily and Bob. We hope that things will go well for you and that you will continue with PSST.
Another new PSST Mom, Jessica, made it to her first PSST meeting. Her son Herman, 17, has been at an Inpatient Recovery Facility and is scheduled to return home this weekend.
Jessica has been reading the PSST blog and she does not feel entirely comfortable with this. Among other issues Jessica has four other children at home and Herman can be a very disruptive influence on the family.
Unfortunately their family counselor, Betty, is not only comfortable but advocating Herman’s returning home. Jessica feels that counselor Betty verges on undermining her parental authority.
A home contract has been drawn up for Herman. Jessica was hoping to cut off Herman’s cell phone and his contact with his drug using “friends”. Counselor Betty feels that the cell phone is okay as well as the friends (as long as “they are not using as much as Herman did). Like everything else not all family counselors are a good fit for your family.
Click on “What to do when your teen beats you up with words from his therapist? Part 1”
and “What to do when your teen beats you up with words from his therapist? Part II” for more information on what to do when you are not on the same page as your child’s therapist or counselor.
We explained to Jessica that, given the fact her son will be home, she needs to remember the “your right” agreement followed by the “never the less” statements, the “I’m not comfortable with that” response and (in the case of the cell phone) use the “Gee Honey. I am really sorry but I screwed up. You see, I forgot to tell you that you can have your cell phone back but never the less there is no texting” option.
Jessica is awarded a PSSTrophy for "Proficient use of PSST Power Phrases prior to attending her first PSST Meeting."
Parents often have much more power than they give themselves credit for. This is something PSST wants all parents to know. The cell phone, especially if you are paying for it, is yours to give and take at your will. In addition to grounding teens, cutting off computer access, Facebook and my space, confiscating iPods and video games are all fair game when it comes to consequences for bad behavior. The more power you take the more your teen will understand that their options are becoming fewer and fewer.
When it comes to Home Contracts always remember that:
- Contracts can be revised on a periodic basis (weekly, every other week, monthly, etc.) following a review with the teen, the parent(s) and the P.O. if one is involved.
- Contracts can only be modified by the parent and the P.O.
To read more on Home Contracts click on "Cisco's Return Home"
and "Home Contract from Caron Foundation"
Thanks for making it to PSST Jessica. We hope that you will continue to attend. If you have time to tell your story (or just to vent) email to the blog at sallyservives@gmail.com
Sally & Rocco’s 18 year old son Cisco has been welcomed back to his adult recovery program he ran away from a few weeks ago. We had a chance to visit him on Thursday and it went very well. We heard good things from the counselor and from his house mates. He is looking forward to attending the “Start to Live Convention” put on by Narcotics Anonymous this coming weekend.
He was anxious to explain his plans to us about getting his own apartment when he completes his program. He even assured us that he would come home for dinner once or twice a week. We told him that it would be really great and we look forward to it but not to rush things. First he needs to complete this program and then he would probably need to get a job that pays well enough to afford things like rent, clothing, furniture, food, utilities and other incidentals. He told us that he didn’t plan on eating much so he was not too worried about that. We told him it was good that he is thinking clearly about his future but to slow down take things one day at a time.
Sally explained to Cisco that through various recovery programs over the last 17 months he has achieved almost 13-1/2 months of clean time. This has gone a long way into resolving a lot of his anger problems and allowed him to complete his G.E.D.
Like we advised Cisco, Sally and I will take our families recovery one day at a time.
Marcie’s 16 year old son, Chuck, is awaiting his day in Juvenile Court and has been assigned a Probation Officer. Marcie is going to work with the P.O. to see that her son get the help he needs. Her son has been up and down in his behavior the last few weeks. Chuck’s time at his Intensive Outpatient Program has been increased because of his attitude and attempts to manipulate his parents. He has tested clean for drugs but his mom is still concerned that he may be using K-2 Spice and alcohol.
Marcie’s biggest problem is that Chuck lives with her ex-husband, Linus.  Linus finds it easier not to confront his son about his issues and problems. Linus is a classic enabling dad. He pretty much lets Chuck have his way, helps Chuck keep secrets from his mom and his counselors and will lie to cover up for Chuck. Whether he is doing this out of spite, is suffering from a bad case of denial, or because he truly thinks he can help his son by ignoring bad behavior, he is dead wrong.
Now that Chuck has a P.O. Marcie will have some much needed support to help him move in the right direction. She cannot control what happens at Linus’ house or improve Linus’ attitude. For now she needs to work with the PO and the system. Chuck will also need to develop a major attitude adjustment prior to his court appearance.
It is not easy Marcie but you are doing the right thing – Keep attending the PSST Meetings, we’re here for you.
Jane, one of our newer PSST Moms, has a son Elroy who is about to turn 18. He has a hearing pending on possession.
Jane has worked hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. This is despite a lack of cooperation by Elroy and a lack of help from her husband George. Elroy doesn’t want to attend his IOP. George is another typical enabling dad. He does not want to deal with his son’s behavior, he openly disagrees with his spouse and he is “waiting for his son to turn 18 and leave home”. This does nothing to help their son’s recovery but George thinks that it will make “problems go away”.
This can be a deadly solution as well.
Jane is relly tired of working harder at her son’s recovery than he is. I think a lot of us find ourselves in this position at times. Once in a while we all need to take a break and take care of ourselves.
Unfortunately there are no quick fixes for addictive behaviors. Fortunately once our teens are in the system, or facing a hearing, they will need to take responsibility for their actions and they will have to deal with the consequences for their behavior.
We should let them know ahead of their juvenile court hearing that we can be there to back them up or we can be there to make sure that the truth will be told. No lies, no covering up and no parental guilt.
Thanks for sticking with PSST Jane – You are taking back the power. Take some time to refocus on yourself and your other kids.
Lois is a first time PSST mom with a 16 year old daughter Meg who is facing a hearing on DUI charges.
Too often we take our children’s mistakes and behaviors on as a reflection of ourselves. We need to refocus and hold our children responsible for their actions. We need to be firm and let them know that we expect them to work on resolving their issues but we do not need to vent our anger on them, dump guilt on them or insult them. Never the less we can use our anger to remind ourselves and our teen that their behavior caused the problem, that they are the only one that can control their behavior and that they are the only one that can change their behavior.
We can use our anger to let go of our guilt and hold our teen accountable for their actions and responsible for whatever consequences come from those actions.
We appreciate you coming to PSST Lois. We’re here to support you.
Daisy has a 15 year old son, Ozzie, in an Inpatient Recovery Program.
He is there and he has been clean for almost 60 days because Daisy stood up to the Public Defender and stood up in court to see that her son received the help that he needs. A lot of us parents have been able to do this thanks to PSST. We appreciate the effort it takes to get to courage to do this Daisy.
Daisy told us that Ozzie has adjusted well to his placement and is working the program .
Daisy is awarded a "PSST New-Sheriff-in-Town Award" for taking back the power.
Thanks for sharing your story with us Daisy. You have shown us all how well Act 53, and a determined mom, can work for our teens. It would be great to hear it told from your perspective on the blog at sallyservives@gmail.com
Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house.
Violet let Sal know that she has pressed charges against him in order to get him onto probation. She needs this as a safety net for when he completes his program. When she asked him how he felt about it he said he was ‘indifferent ‘about it. She found out later that he is not happy with his mom filing charges against him and that’s okay.
Violet explained to Sal “I am holding you accountable for actions; I am not holding your actions against you.”
She is hoping that Sal will complete his program in time to attend the spring semester at college.
She has put a lot of effort into her son’s recovery and is the one person who has stuck with him and seen him through his issues.
Violet is awarded a "PSST New-Sheriff-in-Town Award" for taking back the power.
Violet’s next big task is to take some time out for herself.
Thanks for coming to PSST Violet. You’re helping your son and your helping our new PSST Parents and we’re here to help you.
Ralph’s son Ed has recently completed his inpatient program and is attending an alternative school. He is doing well and is dreaming of his landscaping business and his dump truck. Ed and his mom, Alice, were away on a church retreat and left Ralph home alone this weekend. Missing Alice’s cooking Ralph knew he could find some goodies to eat at the PSST Meeting.
Ralph and Alice’s have four children. Their other son, Norton, had to choose between living at home clean and sober or to live on his own. Unfortunately he has chose to live on his own for now. And is any of you are wondering they were not waiting for the day Norton turned 18 and moved out. They would prefer to have him at home; but only if he can stick to the rules.
Ralph and Alice have been in PSST for less than one year. They have contributed a lot to our meetings and to our blog. Ralph wrote a post on the blog, that you can click on, called “Summer Vacations and Old Faithful”…
…“We need to be Old Faithful in sticking to the rules, not enabling, being consistent, letting our "No" stay "No", and staying empowered. Even when we do that, teens will be teens, and they will be Faithful to looking for a way around the rules or wanting us to go back to the old nugget system of enabling…”
Thanks Ralph and Alice. You have shown us at PSST to remember to be aware - Addiction and Manipulation do not take a vacation. Your wisdom, your good sense of humor and your resolve help all of us.
Lindy Lou is a PSST mom who has been with us for about 18 months. Her son Drew has been in in-patient and outpatient programs over that time. He has been doing well lately. He is going to school and holding down a part time job. He recently tested positive for THC but denies using.
His mom is perplexed as to why, when or where Drew could have used. All those codependent alarm bells and whistles go off loud and clear.
Was it the brownies he had on the school bus?
Doesn’t he understand that this can ruin his whole program?
Is it the friends he is hanging out with?
Was it an impulsive act?
Doesn’t he remember what we have been through in the last two years?
Could it be a contact high? But why would he be hanging out close enough to people using to get a contact high?
Why didn’t I pay closer attention to his behavior?
Were the tests wrong?
Is this a relapse?
When is he going to get it?
This last question is the question that baffles all parents of addicts.
Most of our kids are intelligent kids. One day at a Dual Diagnosis session, about three years ago, Cisco was being exceptionally Oppositional Defiant and I said to him “You are going to get this someday. How about making it easier on everyone and start now?”
A year later Sally and I joined PSST, Cisco helped out by getting himself into the system, he has been through several programs and I think he is slowly getting it.
Drew is a smart young man and understands the consequences for using. He does not want to return to Shuman. Not even just to await a hearing.
Is this a relapse? How do you handle this?
Click on Lloyd’s post “When a Relapse Occurs”
Task Number One: Give your teen a chance to tell you why, when and where this happened.
Keep in mind, that while an admission from your teenager is important, it is not necessary.
Try to refrain from calling your teen a liar. Name calling can be counter-productive. Saying things like, "I am struggling to belive your story - it doesn't account for why this test is positive" is different from saying "I don't believe you- I know you are lying."
Remember, we don't "know" anything, unless we were there when he got high. But he has to tell us something that makes sense, something that is credible, and if he tests positive on the second test as well as the first, then he has some "explaining to do."
Task Number Two: holding your teen accountable.
Whether or not your teen admits to a relapse, you can move to the second task.
Things to AVOID doing:
1. Avoid asking 'Why?' Instead, ask 'What did you do?' Follow this with ‘What are you going to do about it?’
2. Avoid asking how could they do this to you? Try not to take it personally. It was Probably not something they wanted to do to you - they probably just like the feeling of getting high.
3. Avoid keeping secrets. Not from the other parent, the siblings, the counselor, or from the Probation Officer. This has to be exposed for what it is.
4. Avoid "ripping them a new one." That just doesn't help. Let them feel the heat via consequences, not via your verbal tirade.
5. Avoid falling into the trap of making the primary issue all about his lying. The primary issue is his continued abuse of drugs. His lying about it is the secondary issue.
6. Avoid Guilt - It is natural to want to make your teen feel guilty about this. Stop it. Instead let them know that you are holding them accountable for their actions.
BTW - "Oh, we talked about that, things are cool now, everything's ok” is not holding them accountable. If you have not held your teen accountable, then the issue has not been dealt with…It's a trap.
The primary issue is not his guilt- it's his relapse.
Remember that people learn from failure.
Sometimes we have to fail and experience the consequences for that failure in order to learn. The old saying is: people change because they feel the heat- not because they see the light. Just remember that the most effective "heat" is consequences, not a verbal thrashing.
More information on Relapse is available on at the HBO – Addiction site “What is Relapse” recommended by Veteran PSST Parent Ken.
Thanks for returning and sharing Lindy Lou, it was so good to see you again.
Posie, another good friend and PSST Mom, made it to the meeting but had to leave before having a chance to share her story.
Thanks for coming back to the meeting Posie – We hope to see you again soon.
Another good friend and Alumna PSST Mom, Jasmine, returned for a visit. Jasmine started with PSST in 2005 when her then teenager Gene was getting involved in drugs. She worked with Gene through his recovery. Gene is now in the Army and still giving his mom surprises but not to do with drugs. Gene is on his second overseas tour of duty in Afghanistan.
Thanks for returning to see us Jasmine. Give your son our thanks for his duty when you write to him. May God watch over him and you.
Note from Rocco: Wow! That was another Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. Even though a couple of you caught Sally and me taking notes, if we missed anything, got something confused or wrong, or if you just want to comment please do at the bottom of this post. You can also send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com
ROLE PLAY
This week’s role play concerned a teen coming out of an Inpatient Program. His mom is picking him up and has to discuss his Home Contract. She has to tell him that even though his contract allows him to have a cell phone he will not be able to text with it.
This week’s Role Play PSSTARs were Sally – the Mom with a mission and Kathie T - the soon to be annoyed adolescent
They are riding home in the car:
Mom: Herman it is so good to have you coming home.
Herman: It sure is. That place was really getting annoying towards the end. Hey mom…
Mom: I’ll bet it was. What did you find so annoying?
Herman: You know. They didn’t have anything else to teach me. I had it all figured out in a week or two. So anyways Mom…
Mom: You always were a quick learner Herman. The counselors all said that you did really well.
Herman: Yeah I think one of them was hot for me, but listen mom, where is my cell phone.
Mom: I’m so glad that you brought that up Herman. I wanted to talk to you about your cell…
Herman: Mom! It’s in the contract. Miss Betty said it is okay if I have a cell phone.
Mom: You’re right Herman. You do have a cell phone, never the less…
Herman: So where is it? I need to let my friends know that I am on my way home.
Mom: …never the less Herman you will not be able to text with your phone.
Herman: Huh? What are you talking about, Miss Betty said it is okay if I have a cell phone, where is my phone?
Mom: Miss Betty did say it is okay for you to have a phone. However I don’t feel comfortable with you texting…
Herman: No texting! How am I supposed to talk to any of my friends? It is the only way they’ll talk to me.
Mom: Well since dad and I are paying for the phone and I am not comfortable with you texting we are going to restrict it for now.
Herman: You’re nuts. I'll talk to dad when we get home. What the @#$&% did I just spend all that time locked up for? I did everything that you wanted me to and now you won’t let me use a stinking cell phone.
Mom: Listen Herman. For now you don’t get to text…
Herman: I did more than what I was supposed to do. I finished up most of my community service in there. What’s the problem?
Mom: Listen, we can talk about texting after you have been home for a couple of weeks. I am sorry, I should have brought this up while you were writing the contract. However we will review the contract once a week. If you have anything that you want to discuss we can and possibly even change. But only me, dad and your P.O. can make the changes. You understand, don’t you.
Herman: Yeah, I understand that it sucks. So I get testing back next week. Let me have your Droid so I can let my friends know that I am on my way home.
Mom: Herman lets skip the texting and just talk on the way home. Let’s start with how you are going to make me and dad feel good enough to let you text again someday…
I will stop here but we discussed that it is okay to put the blame on yourself – like “Geeze, I forgot to tell you that. Honestly, I’d forget my name if I didn’t carry my driver’s license. Listen Honey there will be no texting…” or maybe “Let’s call P.O. Columbo and see what he thinks about turning the texting back on in a couple of weeks.” To which Herman would probably reply, “P.O. Columbo? He couldn’t find his way to his office if his wife didn’t give him directions every day…”
The point of the role play is that parents are allowed to change their minds.
They can take (whatever privilege) away and they can give (whatever privilege) back whenever they want to. You, the parent, are in charge in your home. This is one of the best enforcements of your rules. They chance that at any time you can confiscate (whatever privilege) whenever you are not comfortable.
What does _____________________ mean?
Consent Decree, Hearing Officer, Act 53, commitment, restitution, probation, etc. Click on Juvenile Court Glossary
Have any questions? Come to our next PSST Meeting.
- What did I do wrong?
- What if he meets kids that use drugs at his recovery program?
- Were the tests wrong?
- Is this a relapse?
- What can I do? My husband/wife/partner/mother/dad/brother/sister already thinks that I always over-react about everything?
- What if the family/friends/neighbors/school/coach/church group/coworkers/police/scout leader finds out? I would be MORTIFIED! They will think that I am a horrible parent.
- What if I confront them about drug or alcohol use and they are clean? They will think that I am crazy.
- Why in the world would I put my teen into a rehab program? They will meet drug addicts and dealers there!
- How can I tell my kid not to use? They know that I used when I was a teenager. I’d be like a hypocrite or something.
- When is he going to get it?
COME TO PSST FOR ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS YOU HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF YET!
THANKS
Thanks again to all of our PSST Pro's for making themselves available to us parents. Thanks to everyone who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. As noted when you look around the room you see a lot of parents nodding in agreement, and understanding, of where you are coming from.
We are always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to EMPOWER THE PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help their teenager to save their life.
 We would all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents who are learning how to manage their troubled teenagers.
This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday November 20 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the 666 Washington Road, Mt. Lebanon
C'mon and join us.
PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting.
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Summary of the Nov 6, 2010 Wilkinsburg PSST Meeting
We had very encouraging turn-out at Saturday’s PSST Meeting in Wilkinsburg led by our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, and Kathie T. There were 17 PSST Parents representing 14 families.
We had a nice mix of new and regular PSST parents, as well as a veteran PSST Mom returning to share her story. We know them here as Violet, Rocco & Sally, Rose, Candy, Ralph & Alice, Lily, Daisy, Max, Jane, Marci, Patti, Tom & Becky, our veteran Lori and her friend Lisa.
Please note: Because of the great turnout this post is a little longer than usual.
After brief introductions by each of our PSST Parents we began with a Role Play of a Juvenile Hearing. This was to assist 3 of our PSST Families that have teens scheduled for a hearing at juvenile court.
ROLE PLAY
Thanks to our Role Players this week - Judge Alice, P.O. Ralph, P.D. Lloyd, D.A. Lori, Max the Troubled Teen, Candy the Concerned Mom and Rocco the Uncooperative Dad.
The scenario is that a teen has been caught in school with three dime bags of marijuana and is charged with Possession with intent to deliver.
For this Role Play case; The Teen’s parents are concerned about the seriousness of their teen’s court appearance and possible juvenile record, unfortunately, they cannot agree about the seriousness of their child’s drug usage and wretched behavior.
The mom would like to see their daughter placed into an Inpatient Recovery Program to get her away from the drugs as well as the people and the places that are triggers for her drug usage. She would also like to have a little time to restore some order to their home.
The dad thinks that their daughter is doing just fine in an Intensive Outpatient Program, that her usage is just typical teen behavior and he has no problem with her living at home. As he likes to say “Hey, I smoked a little pot in high school myself and I’m okay.”
The D.A. and the Probation Officer support the mom’s plan while the Public Defender, of course is there to defend the Teen and backs her dad’s idea.
 For the sake of time our Role Play assumed that a Plea Bargain was accepted by all parties. The teen would accept a “Consent Decree” on the Possession charge if the “Intent to Deliver” was dropped.
This allowed us to move on to the Disposition part of the hearing where the Judge or Hearing Officer decides on the teen’s best plan of treatment. This is where the parents and the teen get to speak up.
In our Role Play since the Mom and Dad could not agree on what was best for their teen, Judge Alice (assisted by Val K) decided that the teen would return home on “Home Detention”, is required to attend an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and to be drug tested every other day. The juvenile was also required to do a “90 in 90” program; that is to attend 90 approved recovery activities in 90 days.
If she breaches any of the above directives she will be in violation of her consent decree and may be taken to Shuman Center to await her hearing.
PLEASE NOTE: If both parents are on the same page and are willing to stand up to the Public Defender and to speak up at the hearing it will go a long way in getting their teen the help they want them to have. It typically takes parents out of their comfort zone to admit publicly that their child has a problem that is beyond their control in their home. Never the less, in the end it feels right in having a say in what kind of recovery program would best suit them. It also clarifies to the teen that the parents have the power in the family. Sally and I and other PSST Parents have learned how to do this and it has been worth the discomfort that we experienced for the results that we gained. It may help parents to collect and to write down your thoughts prior to the hearing and have them ready, if needed, to read at the hearing.
Explanations of Consent Decree, Hearing Officer, Home Detention and Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) can be found at the bottom of the blog.
LET'S TALK
Each of us had a chance to talk over our own situations and issues with our children in various stages of recovery. Because of the number of parents some kept their sharing short so those who really needed to talk had a chance. Thanks for your consideration.
As noted 3 of our PSST Families have teens that are scheduled for a hearing at juvenile court.
Marcie has a 16 year old son, Chuck, who was charged with possession of marijuana in school. He is awaiting his day in Juvenile Court and has been assigned a Probation Officer. Marcie is waiting for the PO to make contact with her. Her son has been up and down in his behavior the last few weeks. Marcie’s biggest problem is her ex-husband, Linus, who doesn’t want to address their son’s problem in the same urgent manner.
In fact anytime Chuck wants to act up he is welcomed at Linus’ house. Linus is a classic enabling dad. He lets Chuck pretty much have his way to visit people and places that can be trouble. Linus feels that Chuck is capable of making good decisions, is honest with him and feels that “we need to show our teen that we trust him”.
Can you believe this guy? I can. I practiced this same behavior 3 years ago myself and I was wrong. I was almost dead wrong.
As hard as it is, Marcie needs to accept the things she cannot change; courage to change the things she can; and wisdom to know the difference. She cannot control what happens at Linus’ house or improve Linus' attitude. She needs to work with the PO and the system to the best of her ability. She needs to make clear what acceptable behavior in her own home is and enforce it, not just with Chuck, but with all of her children. It is a big change, it feels uncomfortable and it will take time.
You’re doing the right thing for you and your son Marcie – Keep attending the PSST Meetings, we’re here for you.
Jane, one of our new PSST Moms, has a 17 year old son we call Elroy. See Jane’s Post “A Mom’s Story – Let’s Try Something Completely Different"
Elroy is about to turn 18 and also has a hearing pending on possession. Jane is working hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. She is doing a lot of ‘right stuff” including looking into Act 53.
Jane’s biggest road block is her husband George. George is another typical enabling dad who does not want to deal with his son’s need to correct his behavior, who openly disagrees with his spouse and who is “waiting for his son to turn 18 and leave home”. This does nothing to help their son’s recovery but George thinks that it will make “their problems go away”. This can be a deadly solution as well.
Jane has read up on the PSST “power words and phrases” and has put them into good practice over the last few weeks.
Elroy once again attempted to manipulate his mom into turning back on the texting on his cell phone. Jane held her ground despite his “But I am being so good” ploy, and then his “I am not going to school” ruse and finally his “Well then I will not go to IOP tonight” threat. She reminded Elroy that he is about to turn 18 and is old enough to make those decisions nevertheless he better be prepared to accept the consequences, especially with his hearing coming up. Well, Elroy went to school, went to his IOP meeting and Elroy still cannot text.
Good move Jane!
This is so important – Cell Phones and texting are basically nothing but more drug paraphernalia. Cutting off texting takes away a lot of the people that our children should not be dealing with.
Jane is awarded a PSSTrophy for using the most PSST power phrases (“You’re right”, “Never-the-less” and “Ask me again”) decisively and effectively before attending her first official PSST Meeting.
Thanks for joining us Jane – You are taking back the power and doing so much to help your son start his recovery.
Becky and Tom’s son recently began an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. Entering an inpatient program is certainly a tough transition for our teens. It is likewise a difficult time for the parents. Moving into an unfamiliar territory is always uncomfortable. First to admit that your child has a problem that is beyond your control can be awkward. Second, even though you understand the program is what they need, it does not always feel right.
Try to remember that your son is clean, safe and under the care of professionals.
This is not a time to feel guilty. You now have some quiet time to sort things out, get some rest and to do some things that your son’s behavior prevented you from doing. You can enjoy stopping for lunch without wondering where he might be going, get through your day without the school calling and have a good night’s sleep without wondering when he will sneak out. This is the time for No Guilt.
The road to recovery is not one that parents think that they will need to travel but when you find yourself there you want to obtain all of the directions and guidance that you can find.
We hope to see you again at our meetings Becky and Tom – As Max wrote in July; “All I know is, I don't feel like crying right now, because I spent the last year crying and worrying. He is now in a safe place. Maybe I can relax a bit and take a deep breath before embarking on the next chapter…” – We understand where you are and we are here to support and guide you.
Daisy is a one of our Super PSST Moms. She started attending meetings in May, 2009. She tried to work with her 15 year old son, Ozzie, over the summer in an IOP recovery program. When he would not cooperate Daisy did not hesitate and used Act 53 to get him into an inpatient program.
When Ozzie began acting up at his inpatient program Daisy filed charges against him. He had his juvenile hearing last week. Ozzie is now on probation in a second facility with a consent decree. Daisy managed to stand up to the Public Defender and stand up in court to see that her son received the help that he needs. Sally and I and a lot of our PSST Partners have been there Daisy and we know what an effort this takes to get the courage to do this.
Daisy told us two interesting things that occurred in juvenile court. First the Public Defender asked Ozzie if his mom would stick with her charges or was there a chance that she would back down. Ozzie told him that there is no way his mom would back done. The second is when the hearing was over the judge asked Daisy if she attended the PSST Meetings. She proudly assured her that “Yes, I do.”
When she went to visit Ozzie he told her that he thinks that he is finally getting it. He regretted that if he would have got it earlier he would still be home with her. He said he will try to accept the program and get back home when he can.
Way to go Daisy.
You have come a long way in a short time! If you get time please take the time to share your story on the blog with us. It would be great to hear it told from your perspective. OH, and thanks for the delicious cake!
Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house. She took him out on a pass to have lunch. On the way back they stopped at a store to pick up some supplies. When they returned to the car Sal asked if he could go back in to the store to pick up a magazine. When he came back he didn’t have the magazine and had his hands in his jacket pockets, After Violet confronted him he pulled out some over the counter medicine that he purchased.
He gave his mom the medicine hoping that she would not tell the counselors at the halfway house. Violet remembered that keeping secrets is another way to enable your adolescent. As hard as it was she told them and also explained her concerns about his depression. The halfway house kept him in the safe room that night and Val is trying to work with them to get Sal the help he needs.
Depression and suicide are serious subjects that we need to face up to and act on.
Suicide threats and suicide attempts should ALWAYS be taken very seriously. If your child threatens suicide take them to an emergency room immediately for an evaluation.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Violet is doing what she can to get Sal onto probation to get him some more help in his recovery. She has put a lot of effort into her son’s recovery and is the one person who has stuck with him and seen him through his issues.
Violet’s next big task is to take some time out for herself.
Thanks for sticking with PSST Violet. You’re helping your son and you're helping our new PSST Parents and we’re here to help you.
Sally & Rocco’s son Cisco is looking forward to returning to the adult recovery program he ran away from a few weeks ago. If there is an upside to his running away it is that the program wants him back. It’s also good that he has learned that he has nowhere to run to. Once PO Columbo and Family Counselor Nancy Drew turned up the heat in the township none of Cisco’s so-called friends wanted anything to do with him, much less let him hide out in their basements.
Cisco has also has discovered that he doesn’t want to hang out with teenage users, and thinks he is ready to begin his recovery. Our last few visits with Cisco have gone well.
Like everything else these days, Sally and I will take this one day at a time.
Rose is one of our newer PSST Moms and is still not ready to open up and share her story at this time and that is okay.
Please keep visiting with us at PSST Rose; we are all here to support and encourage you.
Candy told us that her daughter Tori is doing well in a recovery program for young girls. Candy and her husband Aaron had the courage to stand up in court several times this summer. They did everything they could to see that their daughter Tori was placed back into an inpatient recovery program. Like many of us, Candy and Aaron’s family have a few more years to heal themselves along with Tori. Addiction is a family disease and we all need to continue to work at our recovery.
Thanks for being part of PSST Candy. You have showed everyone what it means to stand up for your family.
Max has been coming to PSST for almost a year with her husband Mel. Max and Mel have learned to convey to their two sons that they are a team, they are in charge and that they cannot be manipulated or separated. They have helped their sons through their difficulties this year and their family is on the way to recovery.
AS Max posted in Dr. Max Explains it All to You: Diagnosis W.I.S.:
‘…following a therapists' advice does not mean you are giving the kid too much power as in the past. It may mean that you need to find "the courage to change what you can". But, being knowledgeable and empowered gives parents the courage to say "I'm not comfortable with that"!’
Lloyd commented: 'It is a challenge for us all to keep the focus on ourselves especially when a loved one suffers from addiction; it is so important because without keeping the focus on ourselves we are less grounded to help our loved one.'
Thanks for continuing in PSST Max and for sharing your stories on the blog.
 It was good to see Lily again. Lily’s son has completed his inpatient recovery program, returned to school and earned his Eagle Scout Rank. Lily said that things are going well for them and appreciates how PSST helped them to get to where they are. She also had thanks for Wesley Spectrum and specifically Cathy C’s help with her son.
Congratulations to you and your son, Lily. Please keep on dropping in see us at PSST. If you have the time we would love to have you share your story on the blog.
Alice and Ralph’s son Ed has recently completed his inpatient program and is attending school. He is also starting up his landscaping business again. Their older son Norton has made the choice to leave home and to live life on his own terms rather than follow their house rules. They let him know that he is welcomed back home when he is ready to comply.
Alice shared a story about this. The other day, while Ralph and Ed where out, she had a knock on the door. She opened the door to a couple of sheriffs and a street full of police cars and vans. They had a warrant for Norton. Alice explained where he was and she was told that they would put out a national alert for him. Just so there were no big surprises Alice hurried to call Ralph and let him know why there were so many police vehicles around their home, if he spotted them on his way home. Boy, talk about a trigger for parents!
Ralph and Alice have been in PSST for less than one year. They have contributed a lot to our meetings and to our blog. Ralph wrote a piece on the blog called Flying Above the Storm…
“…And suddenly, the rain started to lift a little. The lightning wasn't coming so close. The storm was moving off. ... Wait, it wasn't the storm that was moving. My son is still a drug addict and alcoholic, who doesn't want to get clean, and is facing serious charges. My son, from my point of view, is still trying to wreck his entire life. The storm is still there. The storm is still destroying things and lives. It was me who was moving. I was learning to fly above his problems. I was the one who saw that I could become an eagle. I still have a long way to go. My son will probably learn better manipulation techniques. But I can learn too. I can fly higher above his problems. I can work on my own problems. But most of all, I can learn to fly above the storm.”
Thanks Ralph and Alice. You both have learned so much so quickly. You have taught us at PSST how important it is to "fly above the storm" of manipulation. Your wisdom, your good sense of humor and your resolve are so beneficial to all of us.
We appreciate that Marcie’s friend Patti returned to our PSST meeting. Her teenage son like so many others has been “experimenting” with marijuana and defiant behavior. Unlike Marcie, Patti’s husband is on the same page as her in dealing with their son. They will not allow themselves to be manipulated by him.
Teens that abuse drugs are master manipulators. Stay alert at all times of the tremendous manipulative skills teenage addicts develop and their uncanny ability to switch techniques almost the instant they realize that the method they are using is not working. They can turn from your sweet child to a nagging whiner or an angry monster punching holes in walls and doors, in seconds, to get what they want.
Thanks for returning to PSST Patti. You are off to a good start. Please come to some more meetings. Remember to practice "I am not comfortable with that."
Lori came back to share with us. Lori started with PSST for help when her son Richie was in his mid-teens. They have been through about ten years of recovery together. He has been through several programs and has not been home for most of the time. Richie left for Miami a few years ago. He finished his college degree and now has a full time job.
Richie called Lori last week.
He asked her “Are you still going to those meeting with that Lloyd guy?”
When she said yes he told her “You tell him to tell the parents that they are in charge and they should keep doing everything that they are doing to help keep their kids clean.”
This is what Lori had been waiting to hear for almost ten years; her son is getting it!
As tough as it has been, Lori has done all she can to see that her son recovers and makes a life for himself. She thinks that it is good for him to be away from home and clean for now.
Thanks for returning and sharing your story with us Lori, it was so good to see you again.
Lori’s friend Millie is also an experienced parent of a son in recovery.
Freddie has been in and out of recovery programs also and lives away from home now. She wishes that she had PSST to help her when he was still a teen. You might remember at our Wexford September meeting that Freddie had just left on a trip to Europe. Millie was glad to report that he had no problems and he is back in the country. Like Lori she realizes that it is better that he lives away from home for now. He is alive and in recovery and that is what we all want for our sons and daughters with drug problems.
If anyone even suspects that their teenager is using drugs or alcohol they should come to a PSST Meeting. They are getting involved in what can be a deadly game. We will show you the proper way to confront your child about these issues. The worst that can happen is that you become a better educated parent and your child understands that you will not tolerate drugs and alcohol usage.
Thanks for making it to the meeting Millie and sharing your story.
Note from Rocco: Wow. That was a Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. If I missed anything, or got something wrong, or you just want to comment please do at the bottom of this post or send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com
What does _____________________ mean? A couple of Definitions
To see more click on Juvenile Court Glossary
Consent Decree – An order of the Court which suspends the delinquent proceedings against a juvenile. It places youth under voluntary supervision in his or her own home, under terms and conditions negotiated with the probation department and agreed to by all parties affected. It can be in effect for up to one year with reviews at three, six, nine and twelve months.
The Judge offers a Consent Decree when he feels that there is proof of criminal behavior but he would like to give the juvenile a chance to complete a period of Court supervision successfully without making a Court Finding of Delinquency, therefore there is no record of Delinquency. Of course, if things don't go well the case comes back into Court and the Judge may issue a Finding of Delinquency the second time around. If things do go well the charges end up being dismissed.
Hearing Officer – an attorney appointed by the Court who is authorized, under the Juvenile Act, to conduct delinquency and dependency hearings. Hearing Officers’ decisions can be appealed to a Juvenile Court Judge.
Home Detention - Home detention refers to a measure by which a juvenile is confined in his/her residence by the authorities. Under home detention travel, if allowed, will be restricted to only appropriate travel (school, court, community service, doctor visits, PO visits, church services, etc.) Home detention serves as an alternative to juvenile detention. Visitors are restricted to only persons approved by the juvenile authorities and parents. The juvenile must call-in before leaving the house at anytime and call-in upon their return. The juvenile also receives random calls to verify that they are home. In some cases the juvenile will also be placed on an electronic monitor (aka ankle bracelet.
Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) - support program used primarily to treat chemical dependency that does not rely on detoxification. A typical IOP program offers group and individual services of 10–12 hours a week. IOP allows the individual to be able to participate in their daily affairs, such as work, and then participate in treatment at an appropriate facility in the morning or at the end of the day.
The typical IOP program encourages active participation in 12-step programs in addition to the IOP participation. IOP can be more effective than individual therapy for chemical dependency
Have any questions? Come to our next PSST Meeting.
QUESTIONS LIKE:
- What did I do wrong?
- How can I tell if my teen is addicted or suffering from depression?
- What can I do? If I even mention the subject they get angry and start talking about suicide.
- Give me a break. If I don’t give them the money they will nag me to death or just take it.
- How can I say no when they work so hard at doing good?
- What if the family/friends/neighbors/school/coach/church group/coworkers/police/scout leader finds out? I would be MORTIFIED! They will think that I am a horrible parent.
- How can I take their cell phone away? How will I get hold of them? How will I know where they are at? Besides they paid for it.
- What if I confront them about drug or alcohol use and they are clean? They will think that I am crazy.
- What happens if they are arrested and charged? They will have a record. They won’t be able to get a job or attend the school that they want to. The will get kicked off of the team.
- How can I talk to them without making them angry? They’ll yell obscenities at me and punch the walls.
- Why in the world would I put my teen into a rehab program? They will meet drug addicts and dealers there!
- How can I press charges against them? Even the local police told me it is just a little bit of weed and the most that will happen is the magistrate will fine them and I will have to pay it.
- If I press charges against my own child, how will they ever trust me again?
- How can I tell my kid not to use? They know that I used when I was a teenager. I’d be like a hypocrite or something.
- What can I do? My husband/wife/partner/mother/dad/brother/sister already thinks that I always over-react about everything?
COME TO PSST FOR ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS YOU HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF YET!
THANKS
Thanks again to all who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. As noted when you look around the room you see a lot nodding in agreement and understanding of where you are coming from. We are always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to EMPOWER THE PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help their teenager to save their life.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday November 13 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon and join us.
PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting.
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Our 18 year old Michael, who had been inpatient at Gateway over the summer, has been doing well as of late. He has been successfully discharged from out patient Gateway, has started a new job, has not been late for home curfew, and is learning how to drive.
In short, he is acting like the kid I was hoping he would be.
I should be happy and thank my Higher Power for the good that is NOW, not thinking about tomorrow, just enjoying the moment. W.I.S. Syndrome (click here to read all about W.I.S - 'WHAT IF SYNDROME') has the ability to destroy this deserved sense of well-being. If you let it, that is...
There is no school today due to Veteran's Day. So yesterday early evening, Michael called to ask, could he have an extended curfew since there was no school. His weekday curfew is 9PM. Since he had been doing well, and I knew what he was doing and who he was with, I said, "sure, how about 11pm, and not a moment after". He was very happy with this.
As the evening wore on, I started to feel "WISSY" and all the old thoughts came rushing back into my head: "Do I really know where he is?" "Do I really know who he is with"?
"What if...."
At 10:57 Michael walked in the house, yelled hello as he walked up into our room to say good night as is typical for him. I always use this opportunity to get a good look - how are his eyes, how does he smell, is he walking in a straight line, is he slurring his words...you all do the same. I did not notice anything out of the ordinary. But I still felt unsure - something in my gut had me concerned. Was it something I was missing, or was I just WISSING?
I decided to go to the kitchen where Michael was making his usual snack at the usual time. He turned to me and said "what's up"?
I decided to engage him in a conversation to double check his word-slur situation - always a reliable sign of alcohol consumption in Michael.
Max: Just was wondering what you did tonight?
Mike: I told you - I was hanging out at X's house with Cindy and Sandy- we watched a movie.
Max: I don't know Sandy and Cindy...
Mike:(laughing to himself) they are twins...
Max: (getting WISSIER) what is that supposed to mean?!
Mike: (smiling) Ma, that is TOO MUCH INFORMATION you are asking for!
Max: (trying not to WIS-out) Uh, were there any parents at home? were you alone with these girls?
Mike: MA! I understand why you want to know where I am, but I'm not gonna give you details on this kind of stuff!!
Max: (God forgive me, WIS took over and I actually said this) Please don't tell me you had an ORGY
Mike: OH MY GOD, MOM! THAT IS SICK!!
Max: I agree, Max...see you tomorrow....
One would think that would satisfy. No words slurred there. But as one who is WIS inclined, I couldn't sleep. I wanted to swab his mouth with an alcohol tester. But I totally WISSED out...
...I was afraid if he was positive and all of what that would imply, and afraid of his reaction to my lack of trust if it were clean. So I did nothing, and fell back on my old habits.
Early this morning, before I went to work, I decided to confront the situation, the only known cure for What If Syndrome...
...Face it head on!
I took an alcohol swab in hand, because some information says it works within 12 hours of consumption, and by my count, it was 10 hours. I was going to use my PSST tools to help:
Max: Michael, I have something I want to talk to you about, and I am pretty sure you are going to be upset -so I am giving you permission to get up and walk out if you are...
Mike: (angrily) Mom, this better not be about those TWINS!!
Max: no, I wanted to know if you guys drank or smoked last night.
Mike: (totally fine with this question) No, why?
Max: Well, sometimes it is difficult for me to believe a group of kids were together, hanging out, and no one was using...
Mike: Well, we weren't.
Max: Then you won't mind when I ask you to spit in this cup so I can alcohol test you?
Mike: What is the point of that, I doubt it would work now anyway.
Max: So you are refusing?
Mike: No, I'll do it, it just is bothering me why you want me to now.
Max: (dipping the swab in his swill) Negative! Thanks, Mike.
Mike: I still don't get it. I told you. It bothers me that you have to treat me like this after all the good I've been doing.
Max: Mike, I understand if you are insulted by my lack of trust. You have been working so hard, and doing better all the time. Dad and I recognize that and are proud of you for it. I am still working on myself, getting used to the "new you", and sometimes I get frightened - I have triggers too! So the only way I can calm myself down is by asking you directly and by testing you.
I have the right to do this anytime I want, as long as you are living in my house. Any human can slip up and take a step backwards at any time of life - don't be insulted.
Mike: I know mom...
So, I feel much better now. We had a good conversation; I was able to reiterate rules, and demonstrate to him that I am human too and can revert to old behaviors just like he can.
NEVERTHELESS...
...as I read back over my conversation, I think I could have done my last comment better. It would have been something like this:
Max: Mike, I agree with you that I have a lack of trust. I also agree that you have been working hard and doing well, and because of this it seems unfair that I should want to test you, right?
Mike: yeah, it sucks.
Max: You got that right, it does. Nevertheless, I am going to test you. It's been a long road for both of us, and you being out with friends is a trigger for me sometimes. So I need to be honest and upfront about it with you, and not ignore my signals. Otherwise, I will worry more and trust you less.
If only we could have "instant replay" in life!
But since we can't, my general advice would be.....
Don't get WISSED...
...get PSST!!!
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Do you ever talk about anger with your teenager? Does your teenager suffer from temper outbursts where things are said and things are broken, later to be replaced? Here's a few things to keep in mind when you talk to your teenager about anger. Don't try to have this conversation during an outburst. That's like trying to fix an electrical problem during a power shortage. Timing can be everything.
1. It happens to all of us, or at least so many of us that it seems like all of us. Share with your teen a time when you had an outburst. How do you handle it when you are angry?
2. It feels REALLY GOOD to be angry! Admit that. You may find that your teenager is ready to talk about that part and you may notice that your teenager is surprised that you know this or that you would admit it. It's almost like admitting that drug abuse can be really fun. We all know that but gee we hate to admit it. Is it a secret that an angry outburst is fun?
3. REGARDING #2: No Buts. This is better done if you admit that angry outbursts are fun and don't say "but" right afterwards. "You know, it might be fun to be angry, but you soon will regret it- so remember, don't allow yourself to get so angry." If you say that to a teenager they will believe that you know nothing about being angry. Try something like this instead:
Parent: You know, the thing about anger (said in a slight whispered voice for effect: as though you are going to share a big secret) is that it feels really good to be angry. It's (make a hulk gesture as you say this) AWESOME! I feel incredibly powerful when I'm angry- it's as though nothing can harm me. I mean the power I feel is incredible. (there was a reason why when Bruce Banner changed he became the "INCREDIBLE HULK.")
Teen: I know, it does feel really good when I get angry.
Parent: Oh yeah, I know trust me, I've been and I still get huge anger feelings where, (start to whisper again) I think the reason I feel so much power is because I've convinced myself, you know temporarily, that I don't care about consequences. For that moment, I truly don't care what happens.
Teen: I know! Me too! But later I don't feel that way at all, I feel like crap later.
Parent: I know me too! I guess that's why today, when I allow myself to get all worked up, usually there aren't any witnesses. Even when I'm in a true rage today I rarely break anything that is going to cost me or is going to be a problem to replace. I'm not sure how I do that- but it's almost a controlled rage- does that make sense? Then, later I still feel bad.
Teen: Yeah. Me too. Later I feel embarrassed. Especially if it happens in front of people. Like that time I broke all your kitchen stuff. I mean, it felt really really great breaking all that stuff. Then I realized how much that would hurt you and how much trouble I was going to be in. I started cleaning it up but I knew I could never replace all that stuff and I felt pretty bad about it.
Parent: Yeah, that was a bad day for me. [pause here and there is no need to say something like: "oh, that's OK, don't worry, we have all that behind us." Reason: we are trying to lead teen to focus on how damaging the tantrum can be. Now he is there. Let him stay there, don't rescue him. It's another form of enabling or making the teen feel better. Sometimes you don't need to feel better, you need to allow yourself the time and the moment to feel bad. It's a good thing to feel bad about destroying your mother's kitchen, but sometimes the pain for us puts that kind of discussion out of reach.]
Parent: You know, feeling bad about it shows that you care. It doesn't change the pain for me, I loved that kitchen stuff and even today it's hurts to think that you would take that from me. Feeling bad doesn't bring it all back or erase the painful memories. But it shows that you care and I'm glad you care about it.
4. Find out if anger is tied to your teenager's disease of addiction. Hint: yes, it is!
Parent: You know, I think there is a similarity between the good feeling that we all get when we are angry, and the good feeling we get when we abuse drugs. It feels good. Then, it feels bad.
Teen: Yup.
Parent: You know, I wonder, and I'm not at all sure about this so please don't hesitate to say if I'm wrong here (oh don't worry - he won't hesitate- but now that you said this, you just improved the chances of being right with the oppositionally challenged) but it seems like when you got angry you would seek drugs right away, you know, so that you could feel better I guess.
Teen: Well sure. When I got mad I got high.
Parent: Oh so you think maybe the two things are connected?
Teen: Sure. But sometimes I just get mad and it's not about drugs.
5. If you got this far, why not go for the gold? Help your teenager prepare for angry outbursts by labeling his anger as either
A. Drug seeking behavior or as a trigger for drug seeking behavior.
B. His disease of addiction that is trying to kill him.
Parent: You know, I think you just said something really important. At least it's important to help me understand addiction. You said that when you got angry you did drugs. When you got angry it didn't always feel like it was about drugs, but when you got angry it usually led back to drugs.
Teen: Sure.
Parent: So, in a way, anger's a trigger?
Teen: I don't really have triggers. Nothing can make me use if I don't want to. (For some reason the idea of triggers turns a lot of teens off- they feel that they get high just because they want to get high and therefore if they don't want to get high, no triggers will make them get high. No matter how much rehab time they have, they seem to struggle with this- to the point that sometimes I wonder if even using the term is somehow a problem, but I haven't figured out how to avoid it.)
Parent: Right! Isn't that the trick, eh? If somehow you didn't want to use, then it would all be so easy! (Refrain from being right about triggers: it isn't worth the struggle for right now.)
Parent: I guess what you're helping me to understand, is that anger is something that can really make you want to get high- or that you really want to get high and that's part of the reason that your disease wants you to be angry- because anger can lead to more drug abuse.
Now it depends on where the teenager goes with this and as always, it's important to be with the teenager and follow his line of thinking. You can still twist, but you can't divert the conversation where you think it should go. Just listen, pay attention, and see where he is going. If he seems to be putting two plus two together in a way that you like- thank him for helping you to better understand his addiction.
However, if the conversation allows- here is a good place to head towards with this anger thing:
6. Parent: You know from everything you've been telling me I just got this completely stupid idea. But it's sort of funny, but it's stupid, can I tell you?
(no teenager ever declined when offered a completely stupid, sort of funny, idea. That's like refusing an eclair- you might not start out looking for one, but darn it, when it pops up in front of you and says "take me quick" you feel like it was a sign from higher up that you deserved a treat!)
Teen: What?
Parent: Well I just imagined someone feeling angry, ready to have an outburst, and they go up to the person who is making them start to feel the rage, and they say: "Mister, right now my disease of addiction has me by the balls* so bad that it wants me to verbally abuse you while using ten different choice profanities and seven different horrible names, followed by one really good threat on your life, and for good measure my disease wants me to put a hole in the wall right behind you- you know, just so that you feel my power and feel what a close call you just had! But I know that this is just my disease just trying to get me to use drugs, because after all, I would feel so bad later that picking up a drug would just come natural. But mister, in spite of the fact that I do find you really annoying, this is more about me than it is about you. Just for today, I'm not going to do any of that. Just for today, I'm going to recognize that this is all about my addiction, and just leave it at that. Thanks for listening!
Teen: Yeah, that was stupid. But it was funny too. You know, I could never say all that!
Parent: I could never say all that to someone either! But everything you said, got me thinking about that because that is what you are saying even though you could never tell someone all that- that is the bottom line huh?
Teen: Yeah
Parent: Too bad that is so hard to say huh?
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: I wonder if someone did say all that, if they would still be angry.
Teen: [laughs] I don't think you could say all that and still be angry. I think it would be funny!
Parent: [shares in the laugh] me too.
Teen: That guy got to say how he was feeling too.
Parent: What do you mean.
Teen: Well, it seems in this rehab that they just want me to not get angry. But I have to get some of it out. They don't tell me how to do that. I guess something like that would do that huh? (this seems unlikely but I have had this said to me by an angry youth in a rehab- and he came up with it during a conversation similar to this one.)
Parent: I didn't think of that! (another way to agree that it was a good point).
Teen: Yeah, that's my problem. I try and try not to get angry but I'm just getting madder and madder and eventually I'm going to blow.
Parent: So, even though my idea was stupid, you found something in it that might be important.
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: Thanks for taking me so seriously today- I appreciate that. I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to be an expert on all this.
Teen: No. You're welcome [smiles].
Keep in mind that 99 % of the time it would never go anything like that. Never say never, but still don't expect it; however if you pay attention to where your teenager is taking the conversation, and if you twist gently, it could go somewhere just as interesting.
6. Offer Help:
Parent: Look, there probably isn't, but if there is anything I can ever do, you know, if you are feeling a rage coming on- and if there's something that I can do to help, let me know. I wouldn't know how I can help maybe, unless you told me what that would be. So, don't be afraid to tell me if I can help. Tell me ahead of time even, if you feel like it- so that I would be better prepared.
Teen: Nope. Nothing you can do.
Parent: Ok, I didn't think so. I just wanted you to know I care and if I could help I would try.
Teen: I know.
Analysis: two seeds were planted. The obvious one: you addressed the oppositional nature by saying, "I don't think there is, but..." Now, your teenager will mull it over. They may surprise you by coming back later and informing you that you are wrong. There is something that you can do to help. Perhaps there is something that can interrupt the rage process and your teenager may discover that you can help in that way. The fact that they discovered it will almost insure that it will work.
Seed number two: you mentioned "feeling a rage coming on." That is important that your teen realizes that, but you don't want to beat him over the head with it, so just mentioning it was fine. Let's face it: once the rage is present, it's difficult to deal with it or to stop it, but when you feel it coming on, all things are possible if one acts quickly.
7. But what if your teenager is already in a rage? How do you handle that?
First of all attempt this type of conversation soon or a similar one. Then, at some point let your teen know ahead of time how you plan to handle rage issues. If the teen has expressed some ideas on this try to use it. If not, come up with your own ideas. Follow the plan that you have set up. There may be differences in the plan from family to family, but make sure you have one.
For more on handling temper tantrums click fearless.
Or click temper tantrums.
Another good read is an early post by Sally Push Mom's Buttons She is the New Video Game.
One more is Defiance: Tie for Third Place.
Really, there is a lot on this blog that has already been written about what to do for a temper tantrum. Just put "temper" in the seach window up top right of the blog and you will get three pages of articles where temper has been mentioned. Once again, how you handle a temper tantrum might be guided by the discussion that you have with your teenager before the temper tantrum starts.
*Note: Some parents would find saying "got me by the balls" as a squeamish affair. They would see it as a slippery slope and it is. It and other colorful phrases are optional and not at all necessary; however, if you are a parent who would never use such a phrase then you have the power, by choosing strategically to use such a phrase, to make the conversation pretty much unforgettable to your teenager. Other phrases that you may be more comfortable with and which still paint a picture of the teen's addiction "having a hold" on him:
My disease has a noose around my neck and it's getting ready to kick out the chair.
My disease crawled up my butt and incubated in my stomach- now it's trying to take over whats going on in my brain and coming out my mouth.
My disease has me on the ropes and it's winding up for the kockout punch.
My disease has has hit me hard today. Someone please call 911 and get me an ambulance over here!
I need a ambulance fast or it might be too late- and if I can't get that how about a life line?
My disease isn't happy unless I'm crying out in pain and blaming someone else for causing it. Today my disease wants me to blame you but I ain't buying it. As anoying as you can be, this isn't all your fault today.
My disease has me in a headlock cause I'm stuck on bulls&^% today
My disease hit me hard today. It was like getting hit by a hit and run. Now I know when I think of all the stupid things my disease wants me to say to you, that the car is going into reverse and I'm goin to get run over again. Just for today I don't want that to happen
My disease threw me under the bus today. I tried to pull you under with me when I said all those mean things to you- I'm sorry. Really, I only meant half of them at best :-)
Also, one type of enabling is to never, no matter how old your son or daughter becomes, to treat them like they are an adult. Using such a phrase says to the teenager (and to the parent) that this person is growing up and as such can now enjoy sharing an adult phrase with the parent. They say much worse among themselves. They've heard much worse. You've said much worse perhaps to your best friend. But to say any even mild adult phrase to your teen would mean that you see that he is growing up. We persist in not recognizing such events and consequently, the teen is even more pressured to show you that indeed he is growing up and darn it he will now start to make all his own decisions just to show you that he is no longer a child.
Let's take little ways to acknowledge that while our teen may not be competent to make all his own decisions he is for sure growing up and can occasionally enjoy a "grab you by the balls" kind of expression. Just do it in private. Do it in a whisper so that he knows this is something you don't share lightly and it is something that you are sharing just with him. But don't ask that he not tell anyone that you said it because that is where you have slipped on the slippery slope. It's not that bad of a thing that we have to have a family secret over it and we know that secrets are generally bad for recovery. He can tell someone but you trust that he will be discreet because after all, he is growing up and can be trusted with the use of such a phrase. Ever hear your teen say you never trust him? Well you just did. Not with the car keys but with something much more intimate.
Note #2: This does not mean that you get more bang for your phrase buck if you start to say F this and F that to your teenager a lot. That is not necessary, especially if you normally don't talk that way to him. If your teenager is institutionalized he may have rules about language and you want to make sure that you set a good example by following those rules. I'm just talking about a very ocassional well placed adult phrase and I don't want any readers to conclude that I am granting a license to swear up a storm with teenagers.
Todays picture is taken from the free photos offered at Photoexpress.
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AVOID THE ENDLESS ARGUMENT
Way back when, back in the days of FORTRAN class, we wrote programs to solve problems. A program is a series of logical arguments. You input your program and your data into the computer. The computer uses this to logically answer a series of “yes or no” questions. This leads to final “if yes then perform some action, otherwise do this” exercise. The computer very quickly and very logically gives you a logical answer, usually.
Occasionally a program error will occur resulting in something called a “DO-LOOP”. A “DO-LOOP” causes the computer to repeatedly search for a logical answer that is usually not there. This “endless loop” results in excessive and pointless computing time and a lot of wasted paper and ink typically ending with an exasperated look from your professor.
I find a similar circumstance when dealing with a teenage substance abuser, especially one that is programmed to be oppositional defiant.
You present a series of, what you see as, logical statements and some basic data. You expect the teen to very quickly and very logically accept your argument and give you a logical answer.
Your error here is in the word “expect”. This error typically results in what we’ll call an “endless argument” resulting in excessive energy and emotion, pointless discussion and a lot of wasted time typically ending with an annoyed glare from your teen.
To avoid the “endless argument” you as a parent need to remember a few things:
1. You, the parent, need to stay calm, keep it short and to the point and to make the decision of when the discussion is over.
2. If you expect to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent you are setting yourself up for disappointment, exasperation and frustration.
3. Find some little thing to agree with your teenager.
4. Words mean something. Use them carefully.
5. One size DOES NOT fit all.
These are all easy to forget, especially when you become angry, excited, or provoked.
Sometimes we are so determined to make our point we will go on and on and on. To avoid the “endless argument” you need to “say it - mean it - and move on”. Don't prolong an unproductive discussion because you may give your teen the impression that the issue is still up for debate.
Click on the post Are we as oppositional as our teenagers seem to be? for more help with this.
Please note that this does not mean that your teen should not be heard. As noted above, find some small thing to agree with your teen.
Even if it is just…
“You’re right, I am a horrible person and I feel so bad about it…”
 (Then give it the PSSTwist)
“…never the less I am not going to give you $20 to go to the movies tonight. You know, I guess that I am really cheap.”
OR
“You’re right Honey, I guess I really do worry way too much, don’t I? I will try to work on that…”
(Then give it the PSSTwist)
“…regardless I am not comfortable with you going out tonight. Hey I know maybe you can do something with the family tonight. That would go a long way into helping me worry less.”
Click on the post Won't you give me three steps, gimme three steps mister... for more help with this.
NOTE: Because you agree with something they said doesn’t mean that you have changed your mind. Hold your ground. Remember to TWIST your agreement with "nevertheless" or "regardless." These two words are truly power-words. Other words can be used; however, these two serve the purpose of keeping the speaker on track without making a judgment. Try not to use "but" because that "but" negates your previous agreement.
Sometimes we respond with something that we probably shouldn’t have. This is an inherent risk with the “endless argument”. The longer the “discussion” goes on the more likely we are to give in to something we shouldn’t out of frustration. Or we may say something “spiteful” out of anger. Both of these are harmful and will be thrown back at us later. 
If you have a persistent teen that refuses to take no for an answer, pull the “Ask me again” technique out of your PSST bag of tricks.
Teen: “So can I go then?”
Parent: “No. You know, it seems like you really have a need to keep on asking though so why don’t you ask me again?”
Teen: “So, like what, can I go then?”
Parent: “No, I’m sorry. If you really need to, though, you can ask me again.”
Teen: “Huh? What are you talking about?”
Parent: “You see Honey. It seems like you really have, like, an urge to keep asking if you can go out. My answer will always be no for tonight. But if you really need to keep asking me that’s okay.”
Teen: “@#$%! You’re nuts!” They usually walk away at this time.
Parent: “Thanks for checking with me first.”
If our teen is “Oppositional Defiant” we may want to start off any discussion with a “Permission to Act Out” statement. Something like:
“You may not like what we have to say. If you have a problem with it you can get up and go to your room.”
OR
“You know, you probably will not be able to handle this program, but maybe we could give it a try. If you can’t do it we would understand.”
All of these methods are tried and true, but they work to varying degrees at different times. The more that you use them the more natural they become and the better they work. My wife came home from work laughing the other day. She used it on one of her coworkers and didn’t even realize it until it was all over. Her coworker backed off and she felt great. We can help you to role play these at our PSST meetings and maybe even give you a few pointers on your delivery.
If you miss an opportunity to use any of these, don’t fret, your teen will give you another chance in a short time.
Sometimes we get so frustrated that we walk away and don’t say anything at all.
There are times that saying nothing can be better than prolonging an “endless argument.” However make sure that your point has been made.
Beware that you do not “imply your okay” or convey your “I don’t want to know what you’re doing” consent with your silence. This would be another form of “enabling”.
ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL
Now let’s discuss #2 …expecting to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent… and #5 One size DOES NOT fit all.
One of the first lessons in coaching, management and life is “One size DOES NOT fit all.” It sounds so “fair” as in “I am fair. I treat everyone exactly the same.” That would be great if everyone was the same.
The first thing we need to learn is that life is not fair. The second thing is that everyone is an individual and that each individual will respond to a different motivation.
Realize that the adolescent brain is not the same as an adult brain. The adolescent's brain will be developing until they reach their mid-twenties. These developing brains are not as able to assess the dangers associated with risk taking. If their brain is now impaired by Drug/Alcohol Abuse there are further serious consequences. The most serious consequence is that prolonged drug use can change the brain in fundamental and long-lasting ways. Eventually, it becomes difficult for them to derive pleasure from other normal activities, such as sports, food, or sex.
Click on the following posts for more on this:
The Adolescent Brain
Drugs and the brain
So when you attempt to have your “logical discussion” with a teen that has been using drugs or alcohol understand that you will not get the same response or result that you would from a teen that is not using.
The same goes for delivering ultimatums to them. Your statement may very clear to you, to another adult and even to a non-using teen but it is not to a teen substance abuser. Expecting them to understand, comprehend, remember and follow through with no further explanation, follow-up, or interaction is bound to fail.
This will lead to a lot of disappointment, exasperation and frustration and will not help you or your teen.
Communication with a teenage drug/alcohol user is something you need to learn. It begins by ending your co-dependency and also by ending the enabling of your teen.
PSST will assist you with the help you need, to support your child in their recovery.
Parent Survival Skills Training is here to empower parents of teenage drug and alcohol users. Some parents are essentially being held hostage by their teenage users and their own codependent behavior. They are desperate to find a way to end the chaos in their homes. More importantly, they are desperate to find a way to help their teenagers recover from the deadly game of drug and alcohol abuse. More than likely this IS NOT “Just a phase they are going through” as much as you wish it was.
By the time most of us PSST parents came to our first PSST Meeting, we knew that “continuing to bail our children out of trouble” only added to our problems. PSST does not place any blame on parents for having a troubled child. We are not here to judge you, we are here to assist you to get the help that you need to take back control of your lives, your children and to have peace in your homes again.
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Linus finds it easier not to confront his son about his issues and problems. Linus is a classic enabling dad. He pretty much lets Chuck have his way, helps Chuck keep secrets from his mom and his counselors and will lie to cover up for Chuck. Whether he is doing this out of spite, is suffering from a bad case of denial, or because he truly thinks he can help his son by ignoring bad behavior, he is dead wrong.
