AVOID THE ENDLESS ARGUMENT Posted by:Rocco--Monday, November 01, 2010

AVOID THE ENDLESS ARGUMENT

Way back when, back in the days of FORTRAN class, we wrote programs to solve problems. A program is a series of logical arguments. You input your program and your data into the computer. The computer uses this to logically answer a series of “yes or no” questions. This leads to final “if yes then perform some action, otherwise do this” exercise. The computer very quickly and very logically gives you a logical answer, usually.

Occasionally a program error will occur resulting in something called a “DO-LOOP”. A “DO-LOOP” causes the computer to repeatedly search for a logical answer that is usually not there. This “endless loop” results in excessive and pointless computing time and a lot of wasted paper and ink typically ending with an exasperated look from your professor.

I find a similar circumstance when dealing with a teenage substance abuser, especially one that is programmed to be oppositional defiant.

You present a series of, what you see as, logical statements and some basic data. You expect the teen to very quickly and very logically accept your argument and give you a logical answer.

Your error here is in the word “expect”. This error typically results in what we’ll call an “endless argument” resulting in excessive energy and emotion, pointless discussion and a lot of wasted time typically ending with an annoyed glare from your teen.

To avoid the “endless argument” you as a parent need to remember a few things:

1. You, the parent, need to stay calm, keep it short and to the point and to make the decision of when the discussion is over.

2. If you expect to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent you are setting yourself up for disappointment, exasperation and frustration.

3. Find some little thing to agree with your teenager.

4. Words mean something. Use them carefully.

5. One size DOES NOT fit all.

These are all easy to forget, especially when you become angry, excited, or provoked.

Sometimes we are so determined to make our point we will go on and on and on. To avoid the “endless argument” you need to “say it - mean it - and move on”. Don't prolong an unproductive discussion because you may give your teen the impression that the issue is still up for debate.

Click on the post Are we as oppositional as our teenagers seem to be? for more help with this.

Please note that this does not mean that your teen should not be heard. As noted above, find some small thing to agree with your teen.

Even if it is just…

“You’re right, I am a horrible person and I feel so bad about it…”

(Then give it the PSSTwist)

“…never the less I am not going to give you $20 to go to the movies tonight. You know, I guess that I am really cheap.”

OR

“You’re right Honey, I guess I really do worry way too much, don’t I? I will try to work on that…”

(Then give it the PSSTwist)

“…regardless I am not comfortable with you going out tonight. Hey I know maybe you can do something with the family tonight. That would go a long way into helping me worry less.”

Click on the post Won't you give me three steps, gimme three steps mister... for more help with this.

NOTE: Because you agree with something they said doesn’t mean that you have changed your mind. Hold your ground. Remember to TWIST your agreement with "nevertheless" or "regardless." These two words are truly power-words. Other words can be used; however, these two serve the purpose of keeping the speaker on track without making a judgment. Try not to use "but" because that "but" negates your previous agreement.

Sometimes we respond with something that we probably shouldn’t have. This is an inherent risk with the “endless argument”. The longer the “discussion” goes on the more likely we are to give in to something we shouldn’t out of frustration. Or we may say something “spiteful” out of anger. Both of these are harmful and will be thrown back at us later.

If you have a persistent teen that refuses to take no for an answer, pull the “Ask me again” technique out of your PSST bag of tricks.

Teen: “So can I go then?”

Parent: “No. You know, it seems like you really have a need to keep on asking though so why don’t you ask me again?”

Teen: “So, like what, can I go then?”

Parent: “No, I’m sorry. If you really need to, though, you can ask me again.”

Teen: “Huh? What are you talking about?”

Parent: “You see Honey. It seems like you really have, like, an urge to keep asking if you can go out. My answer will always be no for tonight. But if you really need to keep asking me that’s okay.”

Teen: “@#$%! You’re nuts!” They usually walk away at this time.

Parent: “Thanks for checking with me first.”

If our teen is “Oppositional Defiant” we may want to start off any discussion with a “Permission to Act Out” statement. Something like:

“You may not like what we have to say. If you have a problem with it you can get up and go to your room.”

OR

“You know, you probably will not be able to handle this program, but maybe we could give it a try. If you can’t do it we would understand.”

All of these methods are tried and true, but they work to varying degrees at different times. The more that you use them the more natural they become and the better they work. My wife came home from work laughing the other day. She used it on one of her coworkers and didn’t even realize it until it was all over. Her coworker backed off and she felt great. We can help you to role play these at our PSST meetings and maybe even give you a few pointers on your delivery.

If you miss an opportunity to use any of these, don’t fret, your teen will give you another chance in a short time.

Sometimes we get so frustrated that we walk away and don’t say anything at all.

There are times that saying nothing can be better than prolonging an “endless argument.” However make sure that your point has been made.

Beware that you do not “imply your okay” or convey your “I don’t want to know what you’re doing” consent with your silence. This would be another form of “enabling”.

ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL

Now let’s discuss #2 …expecting to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent… and #5 One size DOES NOT fit all.

One of the first lessons in coaching, management and life is “One size DOES NOT fit all.” It sounds so “fair” as in “I am fair. I treat everyone exactly the same.” That would be great if everyone was the same.

The first thing we need to learn is that life is not fair. The second thing is that everyone is an individual and that each individual will respond to a different motivation.

Realize that the adolescent brain is not the same as an adult brain. The adolescent's brain will be developing until they reach their mid-twenties. These developing brains are not as able to assess the dangers associated with risk taking. If their brain is now impaired by Drug/Alcohol Abuse there are further serious consequences. The most serious consequence is that prolonged drug use can change the brain in fundamental and long-lasting ways. Eventually, it becomes difficult for them to derive pleasure from other normal activities, such as sports, food, or sex.

Click on the following posts for more on this:

The Adolescent Brain

Drugs and the brain

So when you attempt to have your “logical discussion” with a teen that has been using drugs or alcohol understand that you will not get the same response or result that you would from a teen that is not using.

The same goes for delivering ultimatums to them. Your statement may very clear to you, to another adult and even to a non-using teen but it is not to a teen substance abuser. Expecting them to understand, comprehend, remember and follow through with no further explanation, follow-up, or interaction is bound to fail.

This will lead to a lot of disappointment, exasperation and frustration and will not help you or your teen.

Communication with a teenage drug/alcohol user is something you need to learn. It begins by ending your co-dependency and also by ending the enabling of your teen.

PSST will assist you with the help you need, to support your child in their recovery.

Parent Survival Skills Training is here to empower parents of teenage drug and alcohol users. Some parents are essentially being held hostage by their teenage users and their own codependent behavior. They are desperate to find a way to end the chaos in their homes. More importantly, they are desperate to find a way to help their teenagers recover from the deadly game of drug and alcohol abuse. More than likely this IS NOT “Just a phase they are going through” as much as you wish it was.

By the time most of us PSST parents came to our first PSST Meeting, we knew that “continuing to bail our children out of trouble” only added to our problems. PSST does not place any blame on parents for having a troubled child. We are not here to judge you, we are here to assist you to get the help that you need to take back control of your lives, your children and to have peace in your homes again.