Anger. Or "My disease has me by the..." Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, November 05, 2010

Do you ever talk about anger with your teenager? Does your teenager suffer from temper outbursts where things are said and things are broken, later to be replaced? Here's a few things to keep in mind when you talk to your teenager about anger. Don't try to have this conversation during an outburst. That's like trying to fix an electrical problem during a power shortage. Timing can be everything.

1. It happens to all of us, or at least so many of us that it seems like all of us. Share with your teen a time when you had an outburst. How do you handle it when you are angry?

2. It feels REALLY GOOD to be angry! Admit that. You may find that your teenager is ready to talk about that part and you may notice that your teenager is surprised that you know this or that you would admit it. It's almost like admitting that drug abuse can be really fun. We all know that but gee we hate to admit it. Is it a secret that an angry outburst is fun?



3. REGARDING #2: No Buts. This is better done if you admit that angry outbursts are fun and don't say "but" right afterwards. "You know, it might be fun to be angry, but you soon will regret it- so remember, don't allow yourself to get so angry." If you say that to a teenager they will believe that you know nothing about being angry. Try something like this instead:

Parent: You know, the thing about anger (said in a slight whispered voice for effect: as though you are going to share a big secret) is that it feels really good to be angry. It's (make a hulk gesture as you say this) AWESOME! I feel incredibly powerful when I'm angry- it's as though nothing can harm me. I mean the power I feel is incredible. (there was a reason why when Bruce Banner changed he became the "INCREDIBLE HULK.")

Teen: I know, it does feel really good when I get angry.

Parent: Oh yeah, I know trust me, I've been and I still get huge anger feelings where, (start to whisper again) I think the reason I feel so much power is because I've convinced myself, you know temporarily, that I don't care about consequences. For that moment, I truly don't care what happens.

Teen: I know! Me too! But later I don't feel that way at all, I feel like crap later.

Parent: I know me too! I guess that's why today, when I allow myself to get all worked up, usually there aren't any witnesses. Even when I'm in a true rage today I rarely break anything that is going to cost me or is going to be a problem to replace. I'm not sure how I do that- but it's almost a controlled rage- does that make sense? Then, later I still feel bad.

Teen: Yeah. Me too. Later I feel embarrassed. Especially if it happens in front of people. Like that time I broke all your kitchen stuff. I mean, it felt really really great breaking all that stuff. Then I realized how much that would hurt you and how much trouble I was going to be in. I started cleaning it up but I knew I could never replace all that stuff and I felt pretty bad about it.

Parent: Yeah, that was a bad day for me. [pause here and there is no need to say something like: "oh, that's OK, don't worry, we have all that behind us." Reason: we are trying to lead teen to focus on how damaging the tantrum can be. Now he is there. Let him stay there, don't rescue him. It's another form of enabling or making the teen feel better. Sometimes you don't need to feel better, you need to allow yourself the time and the moment to feel bad. It's a good thing to feel bad about destroying your mother's kitchen, but sometimes the pain for us puts that kind of discussion out of reach.]

Parent: You know, feeling bad about it shows that you care. It doesn't change the pain for me, I loved that kitchen stuff and even today it's hurts to think that you would take that from me. Feeling bad doesn't bring it all back or erase the painful memories. But it shows that you care and I'm glad you care about it.

4. Find out if anger is tied to your teenager's disease of addiction. Hint: yes, it is!

Parent: You know, I think there is a similarity between the good feeling that we all get when we are angry, and the good feeling we get when we abuse drugs. It feels good. Then, it feels bad.
Teen: Yup.

Parent: You know, I wonder, and I'm not at all sure about this so please don't hesitate to say if I'm wrong here (oh don't worry - he won't hesitate- but now that you said this, you just improved the chances of being right with the oppositionally challenged) but it seems like when you got angry you would seek drugs right away, you know, so that you could feel better I guess.

Teen: Well sure. When I got mad I got high.

Parent: Oh so you think maybe the two things are connected?

Teen: Sure. But sometimes I just get mad and it's not about drugs.

5. If you got this far, why not go for the gold? Help your teenager prepare for angry outbursts by labeling his anger as either

A. Drug seeking behavior or as a trigger for drug seeking behavior.

B. His disease of addiction that is trying to kill him.

Parent: You know, I think you just said something really important. At least it's important to help me understand addiction. You said that when you got angry you did drugs. When you got angry it didn't always feel like it was about drugs, but when you got angry it usually led back to drugs.

Teen: Sure.

Parent: So, in a way, anger's a trigger?

Teen: I don't really have triggers. Nothing can make me use if I don't want to. (For some reason the idea of triggers turns a lot of teens off- they feel that they get high just because they want to get high and therefore if they don't want to get high, no triggers will make them get high. No matter how much rehab time they have, they seem to struggle with this- to the point that sometimes I wonder if even using the term is somehow a problem, but I haven't figured out how to avoid it.)

Parent: Right! Isn't that the trick, eh? If somehow you didn't want to use, then it would all be so easy! (Refrain from being right about triggers: it isn't worth the struggle for right now.)

Parent: I guess what you're helping me to understand, is that anger is something that can really make you want to get high- or that you really want to get high and that's part of the reason that your disease wants you to be angry- because anger can lead to more drug abuse.

Now it depends on where the teenager goes with this and as always, it's important to be with the teenager and follow his line of thinking. You can still twist, but you can't divert the conversation where you think it should go. Just listen, pay attention, and see where he is going. If he seems to be putting two plus two together in a way that you like- thank him for helping you to better understand his addiction.

However, if the conversation allows- here is a good place to head towards with this anger thing:

6. Parent: You know from everything you've been telling me I just got this completely stupid idea. But it's sort of funny, but it's stupid, can I tell you?

(no teenager ever declined when offered a completely stupid, sort of funny, idea. That's like refusing an eclair- you might not start out looking for one, but darn it, when it pops up in front of you and says "take me quick" you feel like it was a sign from higher up that you deserved a treat!)

Teen: What?

Parent: Well I just imagined someone feeling angry, ready to have an outburst, and they go up to the person who is making them start to feel the rage, and they say: "Mister, right now my disease of addiction has me by the balls* so bad that it wants me to verbally abuse you while using ten different choice profanities and seven different horrible names, followed by one really good threat on your life, and for good measure my disease wants me to put a hole in the wall right behind you- you know, just so that you feel my power and feel what a close call you just had! But I know that this is just my disease just trying to get me to use drugs, because after all, I would feel so bad later that picking up a drug would just come natural. But mister, in spite of the fact that I do find you really annoying, this is more about me than it is about you. Just for today, I'm not going to do any of that. Just for today, I'm going to recognize that this is all about my addiction, and just leave it at that. Thanks for listening!

Teen: Yeah, that was stupid. But it was funny too. You know, I could never say all that!

Parent: I could never say all that to someone either! But everything you said, got me thinking about that because that is what you are saying even though you could never tell someone all that- that is the bottom line huh?

Teen: Yeah

Parent: Too bad that is so hard to say huh?

Teen: Yeah.

Parent: I wonder if someone did say all that, if they would still be angry.

Teen: [laughs] I don't think you could say all that and still be angry. I think it would be funny!

Parent: [shares in the laugh] me too.

Teen: That guy got to say how he was feeling too.

Parent: What do you mean.

Teen: Well, it seems in this rehab that they just want me to not get angry. But I have to get some of it out. They don't tell me how to do that. I guess something like that would do that huh? (this seems unlikely but I have had this said to me by an angry youth in a rehab- and he came up with it during a conversation similar to this one.)

Parent: I didn't think of that! (another way to agree that it was a good point).

Teen: Yeah, that's my problem. I try and try not to get angry but I'm just getting madder and madder and eventually I'm going to blow.

Parent: So, even though my idea was stupid, you found something in it that might be important.

Teen: Yeah.

Parent: Thanks for taking me so seriously today- I appreciate that. I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to be an expert on all this.

Teen: No. You're welcome [smiles].

Keep in mind that 99 % of the time it would never go anything like that. Never say never, but still don't expect it; however if you pay attention to where your teenager is taking the conversation, and if you twist gently, it could go somewhere just as interesting.

6. Offer Help:

Parent: Look, there probably isn't, but if there is anything I can ever do, you know, if you are feeling a rage coming on- and if there's something that I can do to help, let me know. I wouldn't know how I can help maybe, unless you told me what that would be. So, don't be afraid to tell me if I can help. Tell me ahead of time even, if you feel like it- so that I would be better prepared.

Teen: Nope. Nothing you can do.

Parent: Ok, I didn't think so. I just wanted you to know I care and if I could help I would try.

Teen: I know.

Analysis: two seeds were planted. The obvious one: you addressed the oppositional nature by saying, "I don't think there is, but..." Now, your teenager will mull it over. They may surprise you by coming back later and informing you that you are wrong. There is something that you can do to help. Perhaps there is something that can interrupt the rage process and your teenager may discover that you can help in that way. The fact that they discovered it will almost insure that it will work.

Seed number two: you mentioned "feeling a rage coming on." That is important that your teen realizes that, but you don't want to beat him over the head with it, so just mentioning it was fine. Let's face it: once the rage is present, it's difficult to deal with it or to stop it, but when you feel it coming on, all things are possible if one acts quickly.

7. But what if your teenager is already in a rage? How do you handle that?
First of all attempt this type of conversation soon or a similar one. Then, at some point let your teen know ahead of time how you plan to handle rage issues. If the teen has expressed some ideas on this try to use it. If not, come up with your own ideas. Follow the plan that you have set up. There may be differences in the plan from family to family, but make sure you have one.

For more on handling temper tantrums click fearless.

Or click temper tantrums.

Another good read is an early post by Sally Push Mom's Buttons She is the New Video Game.

One more is Defiance: Tie for Third Place.

Really, there is a lot on this blog that has already been written about what to do for a temper tantrum. Just put "temper" in the seach window up top right of the blog and you will get three pages of articles where temper has been mentioned. Once again, how you handle a temper tantrum might be guided by the discussion that you have with your teenager before the temper tantrum starts.

*Note: Some parents would find saying "got me by the balls" as a squeamish affair. They would see it as a slippery slope and it is. It and other colorful phrases are optional and not at all necessary; however, if you are a parent who would never use such a phrase then you have the power, by choosing strategically to use such a phrase, to make the conversation pretty much unforgettable to your teenager. Other phrases that you may be more comfortable with and which still paint a picture of the teen's addiction "having a hold" on him:

My disease has a noose around my neck and it's getting ready to kick out the chair.

My disease crawled up my butt and incubated in my stomach- now it's trying to take over whats going on in my brain and coming out my mouth.

My disease has me on the ropes and it's winding up for the kockout punch.

My disease has has hit me hard today. Someone please call 911 and get me an ambulance over here!

I need a ambulance fast or it might be too late- and if I can't get that how about a life line?

My disease isn't happy unless I'm crying out in pain and blaming someone else for causing it. Today my disease wants me to blame you but I ain't buying it. As anoying as you can be, this isn't all your fault today.

My disease has me in a headlock cause I'm stuck on bulls&^% today

My disease hit me hard today. It was like getting hit by a hit and run. Now I know when I think of all the stupid things my disease wants me to say to you, that the car is going into reverse and I'm goin to get run over again. Just for today I don't want that to happen

My disease threw me under the bus today. I tried to pull you under with me when I said all those mean things to you- I'm sorry. Really, I only meant half of them at best :-)

Also, one type of enabling is to never, no matter how old your son or daughter becomes, to treat them like they are an adult. Using such a phrase says to the teenager (and to the parent) that this person is growing up and as such can now enjoy sharing an adult phrase with the parent. They say much worse among themselves. They've heard much worse. You've said much worse perhaps to your best friend. But to say any even mild adult phrase to your teen would mean that you see that he is growing up. We persist in not recognizing such events and consequently, the teen is even more pressured to show you that indeed he is growing up and darn it he will now start to make all his own decisions just to show you that he is no longer a child.

Let's take little ways to acknowledge that while our teen may not be competent to make all his own decisions he is for sure growing up and can occasionally enjoy a "grab you by the balls" kind of expression. Just do it in private. Do it in a whisper so that he knows this is something you don't share lightly and it is something that you are sharing just with him. But don't ask that he not tell anyone that you said it because that is where you have slipped on the slippery slope. It's not that bad of a thing that we have to have a family secret over it and we know that secrets are generally bad for recovery. He can tell someone but you trust that he will be discreet because after all, he is growing up and can be trusted with the use of such a phrase. Ever hear your teen say you never trust him? Well you just did. Not with the car keys but with something much more intimate.

Note #2: This does not mean that you get more bang for your phrase buck if you start to say F this and F that to your teenager a lot. That is not necessary, especially if you normally don't talk that way to him. If your teenager is institutionalized he may have rules about language and you want to make sure that you set a good example by following those rules. I'm just talking about a very ocassional well placed adult phrase and I don't want any readers to conclude that I am granting a license to swear up a storm with teenagers.

Todays picture is taken from the free photos offered at Photoexpress.