Summary of Nov 13, 2010 Wexford PSST Meeting
We had another very encouraging turn-out at Saturday’s PSST Meeting in Wexford led by our PSST Pros, Val, Lloyd, Rebecca from Allegheny County Juvenile Probation and Kathie T and Jocelyn from Wesley Spectrum.
There were 16 PSST Parents representing 13 families.
We had a nice mix of new and regular PSST parents, as well as a veteran PSST Mom returning to share her story. We know them here as Sally & Rocco, Becky & Tom, Jessica, Emily & Bob, Marcie, Jane, Lois, Daisy, Violet, Ralph, Lindy Lou, Posey, and this week’s returning Alumna PSST Parent Jasmine.
LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD MEN!
Notice that we had four (4) dads in attendance. The moms usually outnumber the dads by about 3 or 4 to 1 at our PSST meetings. And that is okay. There are a lot of reasons for the Dads not making it in; work, appointments, younger sisters and brothers to care for and, from our very own experience, not wanting to leave our teen and our home unprotected. Hopefully this shortage of men is not a stubborn thing, a pride thing, an “I don’t ask for directions” thing, or a macho thing. If you dads can make it we would really appreciate hearing your opinon and your ideas.
LET'S TALK
Please note: Because of the great turnout this post is a little longer than usual.
Each of us had a chance to share and discuss our own situations and our issues with our children in various stages of recovery.
Becky and Tom’s 16 year old son recently began an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. He admitted that he understands and accepts that he is there because of his behavior. That is an important first step.
It feels awkward, at first, to have your child away in a recovery program. Never the less you begin to feel better as you understand that they are clean, safe and under the care of professionals. They are also away from the people, places and things that trigger their unhealthy behavior.
This is not a time to feel guilty. This is your quiet time to sort things out and to realize that the juvenile hearing is not your hearing. It is your teen’s hearing. The consequences are not yours they are your teen’s consequences. The unacceptable behavior is not your behavior. It is your teen’s behavior. You need to tackle your own codependent behavior. This is known as “Detaching” with love or as one of our veteran PSST Parents prefers to use the term “Refocus”.
Click on “A Time to Hold On, A Time to Let Go" for more on detaching / refocusing.
"Detaching with Love is a difficult but very necessary step in regaining emotional health. It is a lifelong commitment to one's recovery and is something that needs to be practiced daily. You can still love your child, but you need to recognize when your relationship has become too entangled, co-dependent and unhealthy."
Thanks for being part of PSST Becky and Tom; we hope things continue to go well for you.
PLEASE NOTE: Using the “Hey, they will turn 18 soon, they will be out on the street, then it is all their problem!” Method is NOT Detaching. It is destructive behavior for you and for your teen. At best it is enabling their continued behavior. It is not recommended in any case.
Emily and Bob are friends of Becky and Tom. They came to their first PSST meeting at Becky and Toms urging. Their son, Howard, is 16 and is also scheduled for a hearing in Juvenile Court. They were concerned about their son’s “record” as a result of the hearing and the possibility of his doing up to 90 days in Shuman Juvenile Detention Center. We briefly went over what a juvenile hearing was about and that short of a violent act most juvenile crimes can be expunged from their record.
The Expungement generally depends on
1. Type of Offense.
2. Age, History of Employment, Criminal Activity and any drug-alcohol problems.
3. Adverse consequences that someone might experience if their record was not expunged.
4. Protection of public safety.
Click on Lloyd’s Post “Expungement of Juvenile Court records” for further information on this.
As we discussed it is time to realize that this juvenile hearing is not your hearing. It is your teen’s hearing.
The consequences are your teen’s consequences. Parents invest so much into their teen’s issues, many much more than the teen does.
The key to a juvenile hearing is to get some good advice and counseling ahead of time (PSST is a great place to start). Collect and keep any evidence in a safe place. Write down as much information as you can remember. Decide what you think the best outcome for your teen is. Be prepared to stand up in court and explain it. What you have to say is very important.
Finally allow your teen to have reasonable consequences for their actions. Too many times parents are ready to jump in and save their children from paying their debts legally and financially. This is another enabling behavior.
We appreciate you coming to PSST Emily and Bob. We hope that things will go well for you and that you will continue with PSST.
Another new PSST Mom, Jessica, made it to her first PSST meeting. Her son Herman, 17, has been at an Inpatient Recovery Facility and is scheduled to return home this weekend.
Jessica has been reading the PSST blog and she does not feel entirely comfortable with this. Among other issues Jessica has four other children at home and Herman can be a very disruptive influence on the family.
Unfortunately their family counselor, Betty, is not only comfortable but advocating Herman’s returning home. Jessica feels that counselor Betty verges on undermining her parental authority.
A home contract has been drawn up for Herman. Jessica was hoping to cut off Herman’s cell phone and his contact with his drug using “friends”. Counselor Betty feels that the cell phone is okay as well as the friends (as long as “they are not using as much as Herman did). Like everything else not all family counselors are a good fit for your family.
Click on “What to do when your teen beats you up with words from his therapist? Part 1”
and “What to do when your teen beats you up with words from his therapist? Part II” for more information on what to do when you are not on the same page as your child’s therapist or counselor.
We explained to Jessica that, given the fact her son will be home, she needs to remember the “your right” agreement followed by the “never the less” statements, the “I’m not comfortable with that” response and (in the case of the cell phone) use the “Gee Honey. I am really sorry but I screwed up. You see, I forgot to tell you that you can have your cell phone back but never the less there is no texting” option.
Jessica is awarded a PSSTrophy for "Proficient use of PSST Power Phrases prior to attending her first PSST Meeting."
Parents often have much more power than they give themselves credit for. This is something PSST wants all parents to know. The cell phone, especially if you are paying for it, is yours to give and take at your will. In addition to grounding teens, cutting off computer access, Facebook and my space, confiscating iPods and video games are all fair game when it comes to consequences for bad behavior. The more power you take the more your teen will understand that their options are becoming fewer and fewer.
When it comes to Home Contracts always remember that:
- Contracts can be revised on a periodic basis (weekly, every other week, monthly, etc.) following a review with the teen, the parent(s) and the P.O. if one is involved.
- Contracts can only be modified by the parent and the P.O.
To read more on Home Contracts click on "Cisco's Return Home"
and "Home Contract from Caron Foundation"
Thanks for making it to PSST Jessica. We hope that you will continue to attend. If you have time to tell your story (or just to vent) email to the blog at sallyservives@gmail.com
Sally & Rocco’s 18 year old son Cisco has been welcomed back to his adult recovery program he ran away from a few weeks ago. We had a chance to visit him on Thursday and it went very well. We heard good things from the counselor and from his house mates. He is looking forward to attending the “Start to Live Convention” put on by Narcotics Anonymous this coming weekend.
He was anxious to explain his plans to us about getting his own apartment when he completes his program. He even assured us that he would come home for dinner once or twice a week. We told him that it would be really great and we look forward to it but not to rush things. First he needs to complete this program and then he would probably need to get a job that pays well enough to afford things like rent, clothing, furniture, food, utilities and other incidentals. He told us that he didn’t plan on eating much so he was not too worried about that. We told him it was good that he is thinking clearly about his future but to slow down take things one day at a time.
Sally explained to Cisco that through various recovery programs over the last 17 months he has achieved almost 13-1/2 months of clean time. This has gone a long way into resolving a lot of his anger problems and allowed him to complete his G.E.D.
Like we advised Cisco, Sally and I will take our families recovery one day at a time.
Marcie’s 16 year old son, Chuck, is awaiting his day in Juvenile Court and has been assigned a Probation Officer. Marcie is going to work with the P.O. to see that her son get the help he needs. Her son has been up and down in his behavior the last few weeks. Chuck’s time at his Intensive Outpatient Program has been increased because of his attitude and attempts to manipulate his parents. He has tested clean for drugs but his mom is still concerned that he may be using K-2 Spice and alcohol.
Marcie’s biggest problem is that Chuck lives with her ex-husband, Linus. 
Linus finds it easier not to confront his son about his issues and problems. Linus is a classic enabling dad. He pretty much lets Chuck have his way, helps Chuck keep secrets from his mom and his counselors and will lie to cover up for Chuck. Whether he is doing this out of spite, is suffering from a bad case of denial, or because he truly thinks he can help his son by ignoring bad behavior, he is dead wrong.
Now that Chuck has a P.O. Marcie will have some much needed support to help him move in the right direction. She cannot control what happens at Linus’ house or improve Linus’ attitude. For now she needs to work with the PO and the system. Chuck will also need to develop a major attitude adjustment prior to his court appearance.
It is not easy Marcie but you are doing the right thing – Keep attending the PSST Meetings, we’re here for you.
Jane, one of our newer PSST Moms, has a son Elroy who is about to turn 18. He has a hearing pending on possession.
Jane has worked hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. This is despite a lack of cooperation by Elroy and a lack of help from her husband George. Elroy doesn’t want to attend his IOP. George is another typical enabling dad. He does not want to deal with his son’s behavior, he openly disagrees with his spouse and he is “waiting for his son to turn 18 and leave home”. This does nothing to help their son’s recovery but George thinks that it will make “problems go away”.
This can be a deadly solution as well.
Jane is relly tired of working harder at her son’s recovery than he is. I think a lot of us find ourselves in this position at times. Once in a while we all need to take a break and take care of ourselves.
Unfortunately there are no quick fixes for addictive behaviors. Fortunately once our teens are in the system, or facing a hearing, they will need to take responsibility for their actions and they will have to deal with the consequences for their behavior.
We should let them know ahead of their juvenile court hearing that we can be there to back them up or we can be there to make sure that the truth will be told. No lies, no covering up and no parental guilt.
Thanks for sticking with PSST Jane – You are taking back the power. Take some time to refocus on yourself and your other kids.
Lois is a first time PSST mom with a 16 year old daughter Meg who is facing a hearing on DUI charges.
Too often we take our children’s mistakes and behaviors on as a reflection of ourselves. We need to refocus and hold our children responsible for their actions. We need to be firm and let them know that we expect them to work on resolving their issues but we do not need to vent our anger on them, dump guilt on them or insult them. Never the less we can use our anger to remind ourselves and our teen that their behavior caused the problem, that they are the only one that can control their behavior and that they are the only one that can change their behavior.
We can use our anger to let go of our guilt and hold our teen accountable for their actions and responsible for whatever consequences come from those actions.
We appreciate you coming to PSST Lois. We’re here to support you.
Daisy has a 15 year old son, Ozzie, in an Inpatient Recovery Program.
He is there and he has been clean for almost 60 days because Daisy stood up to the Public Defender and stood up in court to see that her son received the help that he needs. A lot of us parents have been able to do this thanks to PSST. We appreciate the effort it takes to get to courage to do this Daisy.
Daisy told us that Ozzie has adjusted well to his placement and is working the program .
Daisy is awarded a "PSST New-Sheriff-in-Town Award" for taking back the power.
Thanks for sharing your story with us Daisy. You have shown us all how well Act 53, and a determined mom, can work for our teens. It would be great to hear it told from your perspective on the blog at sallyservives@gmail.com
Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house.
Violet let Sal know that she has pressed charges against him in order to get him onto probation. She needs this as a safety net for when he completes his program. When she asked him how he felt about it he said he was ‘indifferent ‘about it. She found out later that he is not happy with his mom filing charges against him and that’s okay.
Violet explained to Sal “I am holding you accountable for actions; I am not holding your actions against you.”
She is hoping that Sal will complete his program in time to attend the spring semester at college.
She has put a lot of effort into her son’s recovery and is the one person who has stuck with him and seen him through his issues.
Violet is awarded a "PSST New-Sheriff-in-Town Award" for taking back the power.
Violet’s next big task is to take some time out for herself.
Thanks for coming to PSST Violet. You’re helping your son and your helping our new PSST Parents and we’re here to help you.
Ralph’s son Ed has recently completed his inpatient program and is attending an alternative school. He is doing well and is dreaming of his landscaping business and his dump truck. Ed and his mom, Alice, were away on a church retreat and left Ralph home alone this weekend. Missing Alice’s cooking Ralph knew he could find some goodies to eat at the PSST Meeting.
Ralph and Alice’s have four children. Their other son, Norton, had to choose between living at home clean and sober or to live on his own. Unfortunately he has chose to live on his own for now. And is any of you are wondering they were not waiting for the day Norton turned 18 and moved out. They would prefer to have him at home; but only if he can stick to the rules.
Ralph and Alice have been in PSST for less than one year. They have contributed a lot to our meetings and to our blog. Ralph wrote a post on the blog, that you can click on, called “Summer Vacations and Old Faithful”…
…“We need to be Old Faithful in sticking to the rules, not enabling, being consistent, letting our "No" stay "No", and staying empowered. Even when we do that, teens will be teens, and they will be Faithful to looking for a way around the rules or wanting us to go back to the old nugget system of enabling…”
Thanks Ralph and Alice. You have shown us at PSST to remember to be aware - Addiction and Manipulation do not take a vacation. Your wisdom, your good sense of humor and your resolve help all of us.
Lindy Lou is a PSST mom who has been with us for about 18 months. Her son Drew has been in in-patient and outpatient programs over that time. He has been doing well lately. He is going to school and holding down a part time job. He recently tested positive for THC but denies using.
His mom is perplexed as to why, when or where Drew could have used. All those codependent alarm bells and whistles go off loud and clear.
Was it the brownies he had on the school bus?
Doesn’t he understand that this can ruin his whole program?
Is it the friends he is hanging out with?
Was it an impulsive act?
Doesn’t he remember what we have been through in the last two years?
Could it be a contact high? But why would he be hanging out close enough to people using to get a contact high?
Why didn’t I pay closer attention to his behavior?
Were the tests wrong?
Is this a relapse?
When is he going to get it?
This last question is the question that baffles all parents of addicts.
Most of our kids are intelligent kids. One day at a Dual Diagnosis session, about three years ago, Cisco was being exceptionally Oppositional Defiant and I said to him “You are going to get this someday. How about making it easier on everyone and start now?”
A year later Sally and I joined PSST, Cisco helped out by getting himself into the system, he has been through several programs and I think he is slowly getting it.
Drew is a smart young man and understands the consequences for using. He does not want to return to Shuman. Not even just to await a hearing.
Is this a relapse? How do you handle this?
Click on Lloyd’s post “When a Relapse Occurs”
Task Number One: Give your teen a chance to tell you why, when and where this happened.
Keep in mind, that while an admission from your teenager is important, it is not necessary.
Try to refrain from calling your teen a liar. Name calling can be counter-productive. Saying things like, "I am struggling to belive your story - it doesn't account for why this test is positive" is different from saying "I don't believe you- I know you are lying."
Remember, we don't "know" anything, unless we were there when he got high. But he has to tell us something that makes sense, something that is credible, and if he tests positive on the second test as well as the first, then he has some "explaining to do."
Task Number Two: holding your teen accountable.
Whether or not your teen admits to a relapse, you can move to the second task.
Things to AVOID doing:
1. Avoid asking 'Why?' Instead, ask 'What did you do?' Follow this with ‘What are you going to do about it?’
2. Avoid asking how could they do this to you? Try not to take it personally. It was Probably not something they wanted to do to you - they probably just like the feeling of getting high.
3. Avoid keeping secrets. Not from the other parent, the siblings, the counselor, or from the Probation Officer. This has to be exposed for what it is.
4. Avoid "ripping them a new one." That just doesn't help. Let them feel the heat via consequences, not via your verbal tirade.
5. Avoid falling into the trap of making the primary issue all about his lying. The primary issue is his continued abuse of drugs. His lying about it is the secondary issue.
6. Avoid Guilt - It is natural to want to make your teen feel guilty about this. Stop it. Instead let them know that you are holding them accountable for their actions.
BTW - "Oh, we talked about that, things are cool now, everything's ok” is not holding them accountable. If you have not held your teen accountable, then the issue has not been dealt with…It's a trap.
The primary issue is not his guilt- it's his relapse.
Remember that people learn from failure.
Sometimes we have to fail and experience the consequences for that failure in order to learn. The old saying is: people change because they feel the heat- not because they see the light. Just remember that the most effective "heat" is consequences, not a verbal thrashing.
More information on Relapse is available on at the HBO – Addiction site “What is Relapse” recommended by Veteran PSST Parent Ken.
Thanks for returning and sharing Lindy Lou, it was so good to see you again.
Posie, another good friend and PSST Mom, made it to the meeting but had to leave before having a chance to share her story.
Thanks for coming back to the meeting Posie – We hope to see you again soon.
Another good friend and Alumna PSST Mom, Jasmine, returned for a visit. Jasmine started with PSST in 2005 when her then teenager Gene was getting involved in drugs. She worked with Gene through his recovery. Gene is now in the Army and still giving his mom surprises but not to do with drugs. Gene is on his second overseas tour of duty in Afghanistan.
Thanks for returning to see us Jasmine. Give your son our thanks for his duty when you write to him. May God watch over him and you.
Note from Rocco: Wow! That was another Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. Even though a couple of you caught Sally and me taking notes, if we missed anything, got something confused or wrong, or if you just want to comment please do at the bottom of this post. You can also send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com
ROLE PLAY
This week’s role play concerned a teen coming out of an Inpatient Program. His mom is picking him up and has to discuss his Home Contract. She has to tell him that even though his contract allows him to have a cell phone he will not be able to text with it.
This week’s Role Play PSSTARs were Sally – the Mom with a mission and Kathie T - the soon to be annoyed adolescent
They are riding home in the car:
Mom: Herman it is so good to have you coming home.
Herman: It sure is. That place was really getting annoying towards the end. Hey mom…
Mom: I’ll bet it was. What did you find so annoying?
Herman: You know. They didn’t have anything else to teach me. I had it all figured out in a week or two. So anyways Mom…
Mom: You always were a quick learner Herman. The counselors all said that you did really well.
Herman: Yeah I think one of them was hot for me, but listen mom, where is my cell phone.
Mom: I’m so glad that you brought that up Herman. I wanted to talk to you about your cell…
Herman: Mom! It’s in the contract. Miss Betty said it is okay if I have a cell phone.
Mom: You’re right Herman. You do have a cell phone, never the less…
Herman: So where is it? I need to let my friends know that I am on my way home.
Mom: …never the less Herman you will not be able to text with your phone.
Herman: Huh? What are you talking about, Miss Betty said it is okay if I have a cell phone, where is my phone?
Mom: Miss Betty did say it is okay for you to have a phone. However I don’t feel comfortable with you texting…
Herman: No texting! How am I supposed to talk to any of my friends? It is the only way they’ll talk to me.
Mom: Well since dad and I are paying for the phone and I am not comfortable with you texting we are going to restrict it for now.
Herman: You’re nuts. I'll talk to dad when we get home. What the @#$&% did I just spend all that time locked up for? I did everything that you wanted me to and now you won’t let me use a stinking cell phone.
Mom: Listen Herman. For now you don’t get to text…
Herman: I did more than what I was supposed to do. I finished up most of my community service in there. What’s the problem?
Mom: Listen, we can talk about texting after you have been home for a couple of weeks. I am sorry, I should have brought this up while you were writing the contract. However we will review the contract once a week. If you have anything that you want to discuss we can and possibly even change. But only me, dad and your P.O. can make the changes. You understand, don’t you.
Herman: Yeah, I understand that it sucks. So I get testing back next week. Let me have your Droid so I can let my friends know that I am on my way home.
Mom: Herman lets skip the texting and just talk on the way home. Let’s start with how you are going to make me and dad feel good enough to let you text again someday…
I will stop here but we discussed that it is okay to put the blame on yourself – like “Geeze, I forgot to tell you that. Honestly, I’d forget my name if I didn’t carry my driver’s license. Listen Honey there will be no texting…” or maybe “Let’s call P.O. Columbo and see what he thinks about turning the texting back on in a couple of weeks.” To which Herman would probably reply, “P.O. Columbo? He couldn’t find his way to his office if his wife didn’t give him directions every day…”
The point of the role play is that parents are allowed to change their minds.
They can take (whatever privilege) away and they can give (whatever privilege) back whenever they want to. You, the parent, are in charge in your home. This is one of the best enforcements of your rules. They chance that at any time you can confiscate (whatever privilege) whenever you are not comfortable.
What does _____________________ mean?
Consent Decree, Hearing Officer, Act 53, commitment, restitution, probation, etc. Click on Juvenile Court Glossary
Have any questions? Come to our next PSST Meeting.
- What did I do wrong?
- What if he meets kids that use drugs at his recovery program?
- Were the tests wrong?
- Is this a relapse?
- What can I do? My husband/wife/partner/mother/dad/brother/sister already thinks that I always over-react about everything?
- What if the family/friends/neighbors/school/coach/church group/coworkers/police/scout leader finds out? I would be MORTIFIED! They will think that I am a horrible parent.
- What if I confront them about drug or alcohol use and they are clean? They will think that I am crazy.
- Why in the world would I put my teen into a rehab program? They will meet drug addicts and dealers there!
- How can I tell my kid not to use? They know that I used when I was a teenager. I’d be like a hypocrite or something.
- When is he going to get it?
COME TO PSST FOR ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS YOU HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF YET!
THANKS
Thanks again to all of our PSST Pro's for making themselves available to us parents. Thanks to everyone who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. As noted when you look around the room you see a lot of parents nodding in agreement, and understanding, of where you are coming from.
We are always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to EMPOWER THE PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help their teenager to save their life.
We would all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents who are learning how to manage their troubled teenagers.
This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday November 20 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the 666 Washington Road, Mt. Lebanon
C'mon and join us.
PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting.
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