What to do when your teen beats you up with words from his therapist? Part II Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, August 25, 2010

This is a two-part post. You might want to read part 1 first.

4. Don't rely on your teenager's therapist for all your support:
This a very stressful job: parenting a teenager who is beginning or perhaps well on his way to having a drug problem. You will be faced with expert manipulation. You need all the support that you can get. Allow that your teenager's therapist is one important slice of the pie of support that you need. Next, make sure that you are in a good support group and that you get to know some other parents who have similar struggles. There you will find the big slice of the pie.


Next, use family members, private therapists, school counselors, clergy and Probation Officers. Have a list of emergency phone numbers and use that list when you are feeling down. It doesn't have to be a true emergency- just a bad-day-I-feel-horrible emergency. Likewise, be there for other parents because you will find that when you "give it away-you keep it." (12-step saying). You may want to work a 12-step program and find support there. In the end, your teenager's therapist is only one source of hope and strength; therefore, if you receive what you interpret to be criticism from your teenager's therapist it doesn't tend to be as overwhelming.


5. Try some of what your teenager's therapist is advising, but try it on your terms:For example, we hear this one a lot:

Teen: Carol says you have to work your own program!

What's going on here? It must be important because we hear it often. It usually is accompanied by:

Teen: You need to back off and let me work my own program.

If we hear it all the time, let's take a closer look. Parents have had a teenager who has been out of control, using drugs, have had their emotional apple cart upset for the whole family. Once things are stabilized and the teen is more or less abstinent or even serious about recovery, the parent finally has the luxury of dealing with some of the feelings that have been on the back burner. It's been compared to Post traumatic Stress Syndrome that people who have been victimized or perhaps been to war. Later, when they are in a safer spot, they have all these issues. Additionally, parents are naturally fearful of a return to horrible way things used to be. The combination can cause overreactive parenting. Take a deep breath. Everything is not an emergency and micro-managing a teen in every regard, can sometimes make things worse.

Does that sound like a contradiction? I think it does sound like one because if you have ever been to a PSST meeting, you will know that we are "Ball Control" people. We believe that good tight parental supervision is one of the main ingredients to helping your teenager make good decisions. We recommend that if you don't trust that your teenager is going where he says he is going, doing what he says he will do, and spending time with approved peers, etc., then keep him home. That is micro-managing; however it is all done with an eye towards safety from drugs and alcohol. In other areas, you can back off and let your teenager make mistakes.

For example, does your teen want a GED instead of a High School Diploma? You may feel strongly that he needs a High School Diploma. This is one place where you can back off and let your teen make mistakes, if indeed that is a mistake because it certainly is not one for everyone. Education is important but it is an area where you can let your teen make a decision provided that he is really going to pursue his GED, pass it, and go onto some other sort of post-high school educating. Probably there is no loss in this for your teen but their may be big loss in it for you as a parent. Where's your day to see your teen walk the stage? Still, if you micro-manage this one, which has little or nothing to do with drugs then it may be counter-productive and cause resentment. There has to be some area where your teen can make big decisions about his own life.

For example, does your teen want to date someone that you disapprove of? Perhaps the reason that you disapprove has nothing at all to do with alcohol or drug abuse. OK, this might be a good time to not give advice. Let him make his own mistake. Rule of thumb: If it has to do with drugs and alcohol- keep good tight parental supervision. If it has to do with anything else- back off and let your teen make his own mind up and learn from his mistakes and from his successes.

Teen: I broke up with Chelsey.

Mom: You did! But I thought she was the best thing to happen to you? She is so sweet!

Teen: I knew you'd say that. I expected you to jump me over this, but it's my life.

[Pause]

Mom: You know, you're right Bill. You know me so well; you knew I would be disappointed, didn't you?

Teen: Yep. I know how you are.

Mom: Well, I'm taking Carol's advise on this one.

Teen: What do you mean?

Mom: Your therapist told me I need to back off. It's your life isn't it?

Teen: Yep.

Mom: And if you need advise I'm sure you can talk this over with your sponsor or with your friends. Because I like Chelsey, I wouldn't even be a good person to discuss this with.

Teen: Right.

Mom: Well, honey I'm sure you're making the best decision for you right now and I know you'll make the right decision in the end. If that relationship isn't right for you then get out.

Teen: I'm just surprised that you said that.

Mom: What did you expect me to say?

Teen: Oh the usual- that I'm a quitter and that I really need to stick with it if I'm going to give it a chance. I'm just surprised that you didn't say all that.

Mom: Yes me too. But you know all that stuff I was going to say about how if you only treated her better, blah blah blah- who needs to hear all that crap! I think your doing fine.

Scenario 2:

Teen: Mom, I'm going to drop out of school- I want to get my GED.

Mom: You're kidding!

Teen: Nope.

Mom: You know that a High School Diploma is better?

Teen: See, I knew you'd jump me over this.

Mom: You did?

Teen: Yep

Mom: So, you anticipated heavy disapproval from me, huh?

Teen: Of course.

Mom: Have you thought this though?

Teen: Yep.

Mom: Have you discussed this with anyone?

Teen: Yep.

Mom: Who?

Teen: My counselor, my sponsor, my Probation Officer and my friends.

Mom: OK, good. I'm glad you thought it through.

Teen: What?

Mom: I'm glad you have given this some thought.

Teen: Really?

Mom: Yes. It's a tough decision and I just want to know that you have thought it though. How will you get the GED?

Teen: I am signed up for night classes at the GED prep center. They will pretest me and when they think I'm ready I'll take it.

Mom: Good. And after GED?

Teen: I want to go to Not High VO-Tech. They have a great Electrician Career program and later I hope to get into a Union.

Mom: OK, I see you have really studied up on this.

Teen: Yep.

Mom: Is there anything I can do to help?

Teen: Just don't ride me about it.

Mom: OK- you're right you don't need that.

Teen: Really?

Mom: Yep, I need to back off. You're therapist said so too the other day didn't she?

Teen: Yep.

Mom: Well, maybe she's right. I'm going to try that.

Teen: Who are you and where is my real mother?

[laughing]

Our teenagers are at a point where they require more independence. The presence of the drug and alcohol issues make it necessary to exert parental control, but when we see that they are making good decisions about drugs and alcohol, about who they associate with, about where they go etc., then we need to find windows of opportunity to back off and let them make their own mistakes. Let's trust that in the end our teens, if they stay off the juice, will make good decisions although they won't do it just like we want them to do it. That's OK. That's better than OK- that's helping our teenagers to grow up but grow up without substance abuse.

The thing to keep in mind is when you are able to take the therapist's advice, let your teen know you are doing that. That helps to take the wind out of your teenager's sail when he wants to drone on and on that you "never take Carol's advice." You can take Carol's Advice about many things. Some things won't feel right and you are not going to take any advice that you feel undermines your position of authority especially when you feel that your teen is in danger.

Still, remember that power works best when you don't actually use it. Once again, it sounds like a contradiction but it really isn't. We want to keep our kids off of drugs. When that's going well- back off. When that isn't looking to good, jump in with both feet and mix it up. If it doesn't have to do with drugs, back off. If he wants to go to a party where there will be drugs and alcohol, maybe that is not a good place to back off. If, on the other hand, he wants to spend 200 bucks of his own hard earned money on a frivolous cause then back off. Let him make some mistakes. Just don't let him hurt himself.

If you have had this kind of trouble, please leave a comment. If you are a professional reading this, you may have a different slant and please share that with us as well. Perhaps you have more to say on this subject then you care to write in a "comment." Then, by all means, send your post to sallyservives@gmail.com. or lloyd.woodward@alleghenycourts.us.