Push Mom's Buttons - She is The New Video Game Posted by:Sally--Sunday, April 25, 2010

There is a new video game in town -
her name is Lori.

My name is Lori, and I am the mom of a teenage drug addict. He is a typical teenager from middle class America, but made the mistake of experimenting with drugs. His name is Zachariah and his drug use developed into a problem. As all drug addicts do, he became a master at manipulation. As his problem grew his need to control me became increasingly crucial and he became a skilled technician at pushing my buttons.

All parents know that their kids can push their buttons. From birth, kids instinctively know how to manipulate us to satisfy their needs. And by the time they are teenagers, most have developed this button-pushing into an art form. How extra creative they become at pushing these buttons when they start using drugs.


Once our teenagers have a need for drugs, they continue to push our buttons in anticipation that we will continue to satisfy them. Now it is no longer to satisfy their needs as a healthy growing child, but to destroy the person they are to become. For it is the drugs that they now crave, and they will eliminate anyone and anything in their path. And the more we try to stand in their way, the more buttons they create. And the more we interfere with their access to the drugs, the more creative our teenager becomes in pushing our buttons.

Once drugs are involved, this art form of button-pushing is now elevated to new levels. Not only have they created several new buttons, they know what button to push, when they need a given reaction. New buttons are constantly being created. Old buttons are being used over and over again. Buttons being pushed for every situation where they need to control us. They need to convince us that we must accommodate them regardless of the sick feeling in our gut, they want us to think that it is not as bad as it seems and that they really do not need to do those things the counselors, teachers, police are saying, that nobody else understands them, that they are being accused of things that are not true, that they try so hard and no one gives them credit for anything, that they don't deserve what is happening to them, that they thought they could count on us and now we are betraying them as everyone else is, that we are pushing them away and they can no longer trust us, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Zach had one sad story after the next. He certainly had an impressive collection of sad-story buttons. All of these buttons have the same message, "I want more drugs". All have the same desired outcome, "Get out of my way, because I am going to get these drugs". Have no doubt, this is their ambition; their only ambition. The rest of all their words, well, they are all just smoke and mirrors. Furthermore, the closer you get to the addiction and the more often you interfere with their access to the drugs; the more pathetic their stories become. They will be told with increased anger and viciousness. So be prepared for an onslaught of their fury, displayed at a level that you have never seen before. Be prepared to have your buttons pushed in a manner that will force you into unbearable situations.

I do not even want to remember all the things Zach said to me or all the things that Zach has done. But I can't forget them either, even years later. However I do hold these words, and all of the other stuff that came with it, in a place that is different and separate from my son. In a place I call "Zach's Addiction" for it is the addiction that drives their behavior.

If you ever wonder, "Why is he doing these things? What on earth is he thinking? " Just ask yourself another question, "Does it get him one step closer to his stuff?" And the answer will always be, "Yes! " They say and do these things, because they crave the drug. That is their only objective. It is nothing personal. And it sure isn't complicated. They want the drugs and you are standing in their way. It is that simple.

But, do not confuse the addiction with your child. And do not lose this focus on what is really happening. While they are still using, regardless of how often, all you see is the addiction. Their words, their actions are driven by the addiction, while your kid is entombed deep inside. The addiction controls everything they do, everything they say; while your child stays buried and crying out for help. And their behavior becomes more and more brazen, blatant, shameless and bizarre, to force their cry's to become louder and louder.

Believe me. When you are saying, "My God! How can he do these things?" Your kid is saying, "My God! Why can't she hear me!"

Regardless of how painful it is to watch this drug addiction consume your child. Regardless of how much more painful it is to do whatever is necessary to take the drugs away from your child. Never forget that it is you that they are depending on to stop them. It is you they expect to help them. To really help them! You need to stop their consumption of the drugs. This is what they really want you to do. This is what they really need you to do. Regardless of what the addiction is saying or doing.

And never forget that your kid is in there somewhere. He may have morphed into something you cannot recognize, but he is still in there. Never give up hope on that! Accept what must be done. You must stop the access to the drugs, and do it anyway you can. Do not listen to your teenager during this process, because it is the addiction that is talking. But hang onto the reality that your kid wants out of their Addiction Prison, and when he is strong enough to finally accept Drug Recovery, your kid will resurface, greet you, and Thank You!

But in the meantime, they continue to push our buttons as their addiction is playing us. This button pushing does work so very effectively, as we step aside in ignorance and unknowingly give them access to their drugs. It works so effectively because we are so predictable. We are so consistent in how we react, that our buttons can be labeled. And your kid and mine have these labels memorized.

One of the first buttons they need is an off button. When all else fails, when we will not step aside, they bring out the nuclear option, because they need something to just shut us down. Every drug using teenager has one, and Zach certainly knew my off button. If I was able to eliminate his access to the drugs long enough, he became desperate enough to threaten to leave.

“Be careful Mom .... The next thing you say to me, may be your last.” or “Be careful what you say Mom. I know people in upstate New York and I can be gone in a heartbeat. You will never see me again. You will never see me again.” And these words terrified me. They fed into my greatest fear, that I would lose him to the underground world of drug use. I believed that I would never see him again.

Without question, Zach had a button for whatever he needed me to do. If he needed me to raise my left leg, he had a button. If he needed to me raise my right arm, he had a button. If he needed me to take two steps backwards, he had a button. If he needed to me give him money, he had a button. And if he wanted me to shut-up and get out of his way, he had a button for that too.

If your teenager is using drugs, there is no doubt that there is a new video game in town and this video game is you! The only keeper of the game controller is your teenager. In all your dealings with your teenager, just picture him with the game controller and you can see him push those buttons as you can see yourself behave in that given, consistent manner.

Our consistent behavior does make us predictable but we back into this behavior for many reasons. One is, we are reliable. And they play on that. Another is, that we are responsible. And they play on that too. But even more so, we are not outrageous. We want to exhibit adult behavior, mature behavior and they play on that as well. We love them and we are afraid to lose them and they really play on that one.

We are so predictable and the addiction feeds from it. Our teenagers are comfortable with their abilities to get access to the drugs, because they can rely on our predicable behavior, just like a video game. What button to push when? Have no doubt, they know the exact button to push, when they need a given reaction from you.

One night, I inadvertently short circuited the video game. It still took me years to realize that I had done so and to understand why.

My husband and I worked very hard at getting our son into treatment and we did get him into several different types of facilities and programs. Unfortunately, his drug use still continued, and this continued for years. We had become exhausted from the stress, from the fear of losing him to the drug underworld or worse. We were terrified that he would die, before we could get him effective treatment.

Yet everything we did just didn't work. Zach needed long term treatment. I began calling several such facilities, however, I learned that the only way to get them into these facilities was with a court order. So the only solution was getting him arrested.

We did that. Zach was arrested and was immediately placed into Shuman juvenile detention facility. And what a relief! For the first time in years, I was sleeping at night, because I knew he was safe. The years of despair and fear were slowly dissipating, but never completely. However, enough to allow me to relax, just a little.

We didn't yet know where he was going or for how long, but I knew that somehow he would be placed in a 9 to 12 month treatment facility. This isn't common upon the first arrest, but I had been working with court appointed counselors (PA Act 53 counselors), and they knew Zach's history. We had already done all the treatment options that precede long term placement, and that would be communicated to the judge before Zach's hearing. Plus our counselors knew which judge to select. We had to wait for an opening in her courtroom, but she was worth the wait.

So, I not only knew that Zach was safe for the several nights in Shuman, I knew he was going directly to a long term facility as soon as a bed was open. Zach wasn't going anywhere for several months. Zach was going to be playing by my rules for awhile.

Zach had been in Shuman for a couple of days, when we were driving to see him. I had been out of town on business, so this trip would be the first time for me to visit. I was so excited to be able to see him, but a strange thing happened along the way.

We were relaxed, for we knew he was safe. And my husband and I were quietly enjoying the calm of the car ride to Shuman. But then in this stillness, all the memories of the past few years began tossing around in my mind and I was becoming very angry. There was nothing to temper my anger as before, because there was no fear of him using. There was no fear of the off button. He wasn't going anywhere. He was locked up and I was thrilled! The off-button was now disabled!

By the time we reached Shuman, my anger was almost uncontrolable.

We proceeded into the visiting room with all the other visitors and we spotted Zach. As soon as we sat down, my anger started. I was loud, belligerent and I proceeded to tell him that this would be the end of his drug use, that it will no longer be tolerated, that he will no longer bring this lifestyle into our home, into our family, etc, etc, etc. The longer my rant continued the worse it got, and the more desperate Zach was becoming. He was pushing every button he had, but this time it wasn't working.

As we continued to sit there, my anger grew and I was starting to cause a scene. I was becoming loud enough, that people started to stare. My husband was getting upset with me, because in general, he doesn't do well in situations when I am humiliating myself and I certainly was. I didn't care about him or me. I didn't care about anything. I was just so angry.

Zach was becoming more and more frustrated that his buttons were no longer working. He finally pushed The Off Button. "I'll leave, etc., etc. I will not come home, etc., etc. You will never see me again." And then I lost it. Really lost it. I stood up and leaned across the table until we were just about nose to nose, and then shouted for the entire room to hear, "This planet is not big enough for you to hide from me. I will hire whoever and get whatever I need to track you down. And make no mistake, I will track you down like a dog. You will not continue this gutter lifestyle. I will see you behind bars first. So don't threaten me again."

At this point, everyone was looking at me. Zach was humiliated, my husband was angry with me, and I still didn't care. I was so angry I was shaking, and I was losing control. I thought it best for me to leave before I flew over the table at him. So I made my exit. My husband stayed with Zach for the remainder of the visit, while I sat outside talking with the guard. And even though I just experienced the most severe temper outburst of my life, even though I should be humiliated along with my husband, I felt strangely peaceful. I am still not sure why, but I was grateful for that feeling, no matter how short-lived it was. And I had a great time chatting with the guard. I was actually enjoying myself. Zach was still locked up. And I was still thrilled!

Regardless of how dramatic this moment was, it is humorous looking back at it today. And I often have looked back at that moment in Shuman. Mainly because in the years following, there have been several times that my son reiterated my words of that day. This may not have been my proudest moment, but it was a moment he remembered. It made enough of an impact that he remembered what I said. In fact, I think it is still making an impact today, several years later. He heard me. And he knew I meant it. I was too crazy not to be noticed. I was too boisterous not to be heard.

But even more important was the impact on me, The Video Game. I can still see Zach that evening as we were having that exchange, but now I notice how desperate he was becoming to get me back under control. I can almost imagine him holding the game controller in his hand, frantically pushing one button after the next but not getting the expected result. For the first time, I was unpredictable. The longer I remained unpredictable, the more desperate Zach became and the more frantically he pushed those buttons.

I may have lost it, like a responsible in-control adult should not. I may have even laced my words with a few expletives (actually several), as a respectful adult should not. I may have humiliated my son as a loving parent should not but I inadvertently re-wired the game controller that night. Because from that moment forward, I had created a new button of my own. The Crazy Woman Button. And this button was more dynamic than any other button because it had the power to convert any existing button into The Crazy Woman button and Zach would never know which one or when. I was the one in control of The Crazy Woman Button and that finally gave me some control over the game. I was no longer predicable and I could throw him off balance. I had interfered with the ability of his addiction to consistently feed from me, because Zach and the addiction were never really sure of what I would do.

This night started the next chapter in my relationship with my son. From that day forward, Zach was more cautious when pushing my buttons. As if he would hold the game controller in his hand, push a button, then immediately step back and look at me, wondering ... Was that the Crazy Woman button? Granted he still continued to push my buttons, but not with the confidence that he once had. And he may still be the one holding that game controller but he didn't push those buttons with the reckless abandon that he used to. He never knew when the crazy woman was going to appear in the video game. I had thrown him off balance, and that was good. The addiction couldn't depend on me to consistently perform and that was even better. I intend to keep it that way.

So from that night forward, I was no longer the Queen of Enabling. However, I was still it's princess, and I still needed a lot of work. For it took me many more "Come to Jesus" moments for me to truly understand the severe extent that I had to push my interaction with Zach to force him to face his addiction and to stop me from protecting him from it. Zach needed to enter and proceed through Drug Recovery alone, leaving the teenager and teenager's Mom behind. And I struggled to accept this as the only way. There were still many dark, difficult times to come and I still had a lot to learn.

It did take a long time for me to destroy The Video Game, and it took even longer for the addiction to become convinced that I was no longer in the game.

But it was that moment, where I displayed my temper in front of an audience at Shuman, when I humiliated myself, my husband, and Zach; When I threw him off balance, when I stopped being so predictable, and most importantly, when I began to confront his addiction. It was here when I started to gain control again. Temper tantrum and all.