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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Life After Rehab
Posted by:Jenn--Friday, March 15, 2013
 Take Care of Yourself After Your Teen Returns from Rehab ~ by Roxie
The whole
family has been awaiting this wonderful next chapter in Lenny’s 17-year-old
life as he comes home to live with the family permanently. We were so excited,
anxious with anticipation of his long over-due presence in our otherwise boring
household. We are very proud of his clean journey, thus far. Yet, Lenny has a
way of livening things up while returning to his own room / man-cave.
“You
bull******* the counselor by never using the talking rules at home. You’re a
liar,” he stated, after I vehemently tried to persuade him to attend an NA
meeting close to home. “We can attend one five minutes away in three hours
instead of going to the one 45 minutes away in 15 minutes,” I rationalized. “I
have plans tonight,” he said. “This sucks. I don’t have money for ice skating -
drop me off to put in job applications – I’m hungry – buy me face wash – go get
dressed to take me to the meeting, and hurry up,” he demanded.
I retreated
to my bedroom again, similar to what I did when he was living at home before. I
did not cry, though. What did I expect? Love stiflingly thick in the air, the
smell of cookies in the oven while Lenny offers to clean up the kitchen after
the dough rose. My happy home is Lenny’s handy home – roof, food,
bathroom, clothes, internet-connected X-box, laptop, Facebook, webcam, cable in
three rooms with a big screen TV. Quite handy for someone who left our home
with nothing, and moved back with expensive tennis shoes and high-end placement
clothes purchased at fashionable Plato’s Closet.
It should
have been my special time of growth while Lenny was gone. I mentally matured,
but I feel that now will be a major time in my life for change. I think
I hit bottom while Lenny was away, chugging my own sorrow until I became
chock-full of emotional up-chuck. I am more confident now, taking charge over
issues with Lenny, and coming into my own.
I promise to
support Lenny physically, spiritually, financially, and emotionally. I will be
at every school meeting to encourage his 12th grade graduation. He
will obtain free rides to meetings from me, three to seven days a week.
Cooking, cleaning, and attempting to converse with a quiet voice will be
a forceful, deliberate part of my day. It ain’t easy. In order to take care of
Lenny, Roxie has to take care of herself. Consequently, I need to engage in the
following activities to stay empowered while Lenny is at home:
1. Attend a Parent Support Group meeting
such as PSST. A treasure trove of knowledge is within each parent that
attends meetings, especially PSST (Parents Survival Skills Training). When
Lenny was in placement, the meetings provided information for me on how to deal
with him being away. Now, my ears are attentive for advice on what to do since
he has returned home. The key is to give and gain support in a group setting
while maintaining your own sanity through talking with others.
2. Find something you love and just do
it! Whether it is
working out at the gym or taking time to read a great novel, find an activity
that makes you feel good about yourself. It will bring out the best in you, and
keep your mind from wandering to negative, unpleasant thoughts of ‘what if’
scenarios. As soon as those thoughts begin, turn the treadmill up to the 20 mph
steep hill climb, or begin to speed read; depending upon the activity. Let your imagination take you to a
happy place.
3. Share your thoughts with a close
friend. The last few years could have made you feel like you have
lost your mind. Don’t fret, you did. Find a friend to confirm that your
feelings are normal. If that person loves you, they will never steer you in the
wrong direction. Do not be embarrassed to seek validation.
4. Determine it is OK to make mistakes. No one is perfect, including my
dysfunctional family as we attempt to change. Make those heart-felt
raising-your-child blunders, admit them privately or within the family, and
move on. Do not wallow in parental guilt.
The above
list sounds so selfish, like a “me, me, me” statement; making myself an idol.
As parents of addicts, we need to become selfish in order to help our children.
If we fall apart, who is going to be there when and if they crumble? We are
saving their lives by taking care of ourselves.
The way I
perceive Lenny conditions my behavior towards him; with the decisions
eventually affecting Lenny. I resolve to build our family’s hopes,
accomplishments, and dreams for his future. I purposely consider him in
recovery, in his right mind, with him choosing the correct path for a worthwhile,
meaningful life.
I have a
strategy to strengthen Lenny outwardly and within. He will accompany me to the
gym so we can both become empowered, purposely fortified, and confident in our
life’s journey together. I will take him to an NA meeting afterward. He may
even be the speaker, based on the assertiveness and courage garnered at the gym
with his mom, Roxie.
“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain
too cheap, we esteem
too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the
man that can
smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow.” ~ Thomas Paine
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Sharing The Load
Posted by:Brigitte--Monday, March 11, 2013
Submitted by June Cleaver
A young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview, and now would meet the director for the final interview. The director discovered from his CV that the youth's academic achievements were excellent. He asked, "Did you obtain any scholarships in school?" The youth answered "No". "Who paid for your school fees?" "My father passed away when I was one year old; my mother paid for my school fees." he replied. "Where did your mother work?" "My mother worked as clothes cleaner."
The director requested the youth to show his hands. The youth showed a pair of hands that were smooth and perfect. "Have you ever helped your mother wash the clothes before?" "Never, my mother always wanted me to study and read more books. Besides, my mother can wash clothes faster than me." The director said, "I have a request. When you go home today, go and clean your mother's hands, and then see me tomorrow morning."
The youth felt that his chance of landing the job was high. When he went back home, he asked his mother to let him clean her hands. His mother felt strange, happy but with mixed feelings, she showed her hands to her son. The youth cleaned his mother's hands slowly. His tear fell as he did that. It was the first time he noticed that his mother's hands were so wrinkled, and there were so many bruises in her hands. Some bruises were so painful that his mother winced when he touched it. This was the first time the youth realized that it was this pair of hands that washed the clothes every day to enable him to pay the school fees. The bruises in the mother's hands were the price that the mother had to pay for his education, his school activities and his future. After cleaning his mother hands, the youth quietly washed all the remaining clothes for his mother. That night, mother and son talked for a very long time.
Next morning, the youth went to the director's office. The Director noticed the tears in the youth's eyes, when he asked: "Can you tell me what have you done and learned yesterday in your house?" The youth answered," I cleaned my mother's hand, and also finished cleaning all the remaining clothes. I know now what appreciation is. Without my mother, I would not be who I am today. By helping my mother, only now do I realize how difficult and tough it is to get something done on your own. And I have come to appreciate the importance and value of helping one's family."
The director said, "This is what I am looking for in a manager. I want to recruit a person who can appreciate the help of others, a person who knows the sufferings of others to get things done, and a person who would not put money as his only goal in life. You are hired."
This young person worked very hard, and received the respect of his subordinates. Every employee worked diligently and worked as a team. The company's performance improved tremendously.
A child, who has been protected and habitually given whatever he wanted, would develop an "entitlement mentality" and would always put himself first. He would be ignorant of his parent's efforts. When he starts work, he assumes that every person must listen to him, and when he becomes a manager, he would never know the sufferings of his employees and would always blame others. For this kind of people, who may be good academically, they may be successful for a while, but eventually they would not feel a sense of achievement. They will grumble and be full of hatred and fight for more. If we are this kind of protective parents, are we really showing love or are we destroying our children instead?
You can let your child live in a big house, eat a good meal, learn piano, watch on a big screen TV. But when you are cutting grass, please let them experience it. After a meal, let them wash their plates and bowls together with their brothers and sisters. It is not because you do not have money to hire a maid, but it is because you want to love them in a right way. You want them to understand, no matter how rich their parents are, one day their hair will grow gray, same as the mother of that young person. The most important thing is your child learns how to appreciate the effort and experience the difficulty and learns the ability to work with others to get things done.
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It's official - Justin is now a probation officer! Here are a couple photos from the special day:
Swearing-in ceremony
on March 1, 2013
Justin, Kelly, and adorable Rania
celebrate the special occasion
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PUC (just for fun)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, February 17, 2013
 This is an excerpt from Prairie Home Companion that aired 2-16-13. Click read more to listen. Turn your volume up.
Click here to listen to audio.
Prairie Home Companion Link
Click To hear segment five (that includes the PUC story) from the original page (better audio) with opportunity to donate to Prairie Home Companion. (set counter to 101:50)
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The following article addresses the effects of oppositional behavior on families and contains many useful PSSTisms often used in our role plays.
I think Number 4 was written for me; I tend to lecture until my kids are nearly comatose.
by Kim Abraham LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner LMSW
How many times has this gone through your head? Your “difficult” child—the defiant one who’s constantly acting out and upsetting everyone—has just done it again. Maybe he’s called his little sister a foul name, smashed your favorite framed family photo, or screamed in your face. In a moment of defeat, you think, “What if there’s no hope? What if he’s just a ‘bad seed’—the bad apple of the family?”
While many parents have “gone there” at one point or another, understand that this really is a false statement, because all children are inherently born good. They come out innocent, but simply have different personalities. At times, it can appear that everything your child is doing is negative: his attitude, the way he treats you and others, and the way he handles his problems. That’s when those negative thoughts get stuck in our heads. As parents, these thoughts can get us into trouble because we can unconsciously begin to reinforce, through our own behavior, the idea that our child is a bad person. But that’s not the case. Remember, it’s not your child who “turns bad,” it’s his behavior that is inappropriate.
If your child was born with a moody or impulsive temperament, and a tendency to take risks, he has characteristics that lead him down paths that are more difficult than other kids might take. Know that when you have a child who’s impulsive, who is a risk-taker, who gets bored and frustrated very easily, he has a lot of work ahead of him. He will simply need more practice and help in learning how to problem solve and cope when things don’t go his way or when he’s bored.
What motivates kids to misbehave, act out and be defiant?
Power and control
Revenge: “You hurt me; I’m going to hurt you.”
Attention
They’ve given up: “I just want to give up and be lazy. I don’t want to do homework. I don’t want to do chores.”
They want you to give up: “Please stop caring if I’m going to be successful. I’m going to wear you down so you’ll stop giving me consequences and holding me accountable.”
We understand how hard it can be to parent all your kids when one of them seems to influence the others to misbehave, tries to grab the power from you and take control all the time, or simply makes everyone in the family miserable with their behavior. It does not have to be that way.
6 WAYS TO LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD
1. Don’t make an example of your child. Don’t ever make an example of a child by saying things like, “Don’t ever act like your sister!” Along the same vein, don’t ask your defiant kid, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Avoid those comparisons and any of these types of comments altogether. Comparisons only breed discontent. After all, your child can’t turn himself inside out and be his sibling; it’s not fair to ask it of him and will only make him feel frustrated and hopeless. Instead, build on each child’s good qualities individually.
2. “It’s not fair!” Prevent trouble by maintaining the mindset that rules are established for everyone, and no one is exempt. With defiant kids, it’s often hard to set limits and give consequences, because they react so strongly and try to wear you down by negotiating, screaming, or refusing to comply. As a result, some parents will give up and stop trying, which will cause the other kids to say, “That’s not fair! Why doesn’t Michael get his phone taken away when he stays out past curfew?” Just remember, the limits should be the same for everyone. You may find that you’re spending more time responding to and enforcing limits with that acting out or ODD kid, especially at first. But rules are for everyone and no one is exempt. Make it real simple on yourself.
The reason for doing this is simple: If you give your defiant child exemptions to the rules and consequences, you will perpetuate the myth that they are entitled and that they are unique and above the law—and that’s exactly what criminals believe. Don’t stop setting those limits and holding them accountable. It’s very, very important to let your child know that rules and boundaries pertain to everyone.
3. Parroting bad behavior. Another reason to stay the course with your acting-out child? If your other kids see she’s getting away with breaking all the rules, sometimes they will start copying. Here’s the bottom line: There should never be motivation for a sibling to copy another sibling’s bad behavior. Period. If there is motivation, then you really need to take a good look at that and figure out why.
Here’s an example: Let’s say there’s a thief in your town that robs a bank, gets caught and goes to jail. Others hear about it and say, “I’m not going to try that.” They know if they get caught, they’re going to go to jail. Now let’s say the bank robber got away with it. The police caught him, but they let him off and said, “We don’t know where you hid the money so we give up.” Some people might be tempted to go rob the same bank if it was that easy, right? There’s no consequence and he got away with all that money. The same goes for your kids. So there should be no motivation for any sibling to want to copy bad behavior.
If you’re doing your job as a parent and your child is given a consequence, your other kids look at that and say, “Every time my brother misbehaves he loses all his privileges to the electronics in the house. I don’t want that to happen to me.”
4. Keep it short. When giving your child a consequence, be swift, consistent, and use as few words as possible. One of the things that we try to tell parents is “Do less talk and do more action.” We use the police as an example: If you get pulled over for speeding, how many words does he say to you? Usually three: “License and registration.”
What would you do if he stood there and gave you a half hour lecture? Would you respect him? Would you even really listen? Would you care what he was saying? Chances are you wouldn’t want to hear what he had to say, you would not respect him, and you’d want to get away from him. The only thing that means anything to you is the fact that you were delivered an action—the consequence of the ticket. That is how your child feels about you. Just deliver the consequence the way a police officer would a ticket.
Will your child say, “Okay, you caught me—you’re right. Sorry.” Probably not! We also remind parents about what we as adults do when a policeman stops us. We make excuses, we lie, we pretend like we didn’t know we were speeding, we cry, we negotiate. We do all this ourselves, yet we get mad at our kids when they do it with us—but remember, it’s human nature. Just be businesslike and objective, and deliver that ticket. This gives you that detachment and objectivity that you really need, because otherwise you can get sucked into the arguments or the excuses.
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Written by Ralph
It has been a while since I have written an article for the PSST blog. As things settle down, it is easier for the parents of our teens to cope, and for me I haven't needed to express my feelings in a story. However, I wanted to write about an issue for some of the parents that are over the hump, but still living with on-going survival. Jessica Rabbit's recent story about Herman coming home for a couple hours of advice reminded me of this and Ed's relapse last summer.
Understand that Ed and Alice and I are in a much better place now than before. Ed seems to be reliving some of the mid-teen years that he missed. He works on his recovery, but in his own way and with people his own age. (We can't want it more than he does!) Of course, he does this within the bounds of our contract, which is very specialized and tough on specific areas. Life is going smoothly at the Kramden home thanks to recovery and PSST.
Ed doesn't want to be a drug user or use alcohol, but his experience tells his mind that he does and he still fights that all the time. You wouldn't know that to see him, nor does he talk about it, but it's still there.
But that's why relapse is still a dark knight, flying over our children, wanting them to go back to the old ways. The Bible/Torah book of Proverbs (Proverbs 26:11) graphically warns that foolish people will return to their folly. It is no different for our teens who are battling former substance abuse.
Late last spring, Ed was doing great at following our rules and being accountable. He was also asking for more freedom, and we assumed, more responsibility. Alice and I agreed to give him a lot more rope. He had earned it, we believed. A family friend also found Ed a summer job making good wages. It required much more independence on Ed's part. Needless to say, you have probably heard the story at a PSST meeting of how his summer ended -- it didn't end well, and it was only July. Ed ended up skipping work, hanging out with old and bad friends while telling us he was at work, drinking alcohol, and finally "running away" again. I call it running away, but it was really being a county away from where he said he was, after being fired from the job for not showing up. It was a great opportunity to let the dark knight in.
As is bound to happen, Alice and I found out about this when one of his old friends left his car on the road dead and the police called to have it removed. Ed was once again hiding in Weedville, and it only took me about 20 minutes to find where he was hiding. For two or three more days, he hid and then ran from us when we approached him to discuss coming home. Alice and I were much more angry than frightened. We had experience with Ed running before.
On Sunday morning, when Ed knew we would be in church, he came back. To his credit, he didn't break in when he found all the doors locked. Our neighbor, who had been clued in that Ed was on the lamb again, called at the end of church services and we rushed home to have a talk with him. He admitted that he had relapsed on alcohol, but had not done any drugs. He saw this as a good thing, and Alice and I were PSST enough to not argue about it. His relapse was real, but his recovery had kept him from the worst possible outcomes and brought him home very humble. It also helped a lot that Alice and I had run through the scenarios of his return for the last two days and knew our bottom lines and consequences. We discussed our thoughts with Ed calmly, outside on the back porch. My body language told him that we weren't going in to the house and neither was he, in a kind and gently fashion, until the actions and feelings were talked out or at least put on the table for future discussion. After an hour or so, with Alice getting us lemonades and sandwiches at one point, Ed was put on parental house arrest, but welcomed home.
House arrest isn't fun for anyone, though, and it drove Alice up the wall -- when the teen can't leave the house without a parent or relative, then the parents don't have much freedom either. We had to adjust schedules and Alice and Ed were both going stir crazy. But, we didn't give in, and didn't want to get caught giving a consequence that we couldn't live with. Alice and I were putting on our strong fronts, no matter how crazy we felt. Ed knew that he had to earn trust again, so even though he didn't like it, he was accepting of it all. Eventually, Ed earned enough trust back to leave the house on his own again and then made it to his adult contract at 18.
Now to the moral of this story: Relapse often does happen and can happen even when a teen is being good and has lots of clean time. Ed had over two years of clean time when he relapsed. He still likes to count his clean time from his drug use dates, but I'll give him this: Ed now has a clean date and a sober date -- the sober date is just much newer. Your son or daughter will probably relapse, too, so be calm and be prepared, and most of all, be really, really PSST!
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 Bob Dylan’s song “Like a Rolling Stone” really struck a chord with me when I listened to it recently. I have always been a fan, but listening to the youthful, cynical voice of a young Dylan really got me thinking about Herman’s new chapter in his life. Author, Oliver Trager describes the song as “Dylan’s sneer at a woman who has fallen from grace and is reduced to fending for herself in a hostile, unfamiliar world”. Now I am not sure if Bob Dylan would agree with me, but I feel that the song could easily be about Herman, as well as the “Miss Lonely” mentioned in the song.
Here is the YouTube link if you care to listen (or play along while you read this post)
The chorus, “How does it feel to be on your own,
with no direction home, a complete unknown, like a rolling stone” pretty much
summarizes my thought processes lately regarding Herman. The beginnings to the answer of that
question were revealed on Saturday.
After
3 ½ weeks of independence, Herman called and asked if he could stop by and go
over some “business” with his father and me. I must admit I was a bit concerned
about what “business” he wanted to discuss, being that he specifically
requested that we stay out of his business. However I threw all caution to the
wind, and told him he could come at 5PM, but that we were leaving at 7PM for
dinner with friends.
I
was upstairs when I heard my trusty Lab, Shuman, viciously barking and Roger saying
“sic him”. Concerned that we were being victims of a home invasion, I quickly
descended the stairs only to find Herman being held at bay at the door’s
threshold by Shuman, his former
trusty dog friend, laughing along with Roger, and his four other siblings.
“Welcome
To Our Home”, was definitely not the first thought Shuman was thinking. I think she also likes the new calm in our
home, and was dead set on protecting it.
Shuman did eventually back down, and looked sort of embarrassed, but it
sure was funny to see that tableau.
Herman’s
first visit as a guest in our home, guard dog attack and all, set the stage
that lead into our beginning to find out how Herman “is” on his own, along with
starting to work out this new level of relationship with him. Foremost, I think
Herman wants our advice and approval, as well as a relationship. The reason for
him stopping by was to go over his budget and fill out his 2012 income tax
forms. Herman made a point of proudly telling us that he still uses the same
hanging folder that we made for him last year. It was pretty much intact with
how it was initially filled, minus that pesky junk mail of Probation papers,
including his dismissal papers.
Roger
patiently assisted Herman with his tax forms, and painstakingly went over the
budget again. He advised Herman that 39-40hr/wk. at $8/hr. was not enough to live responsibly
(i.e. planning realistically for expenses). It seems the 2 jobs that employ
Herman have cut back on his hours. Roger’s very simple solution was to pick up
a 3rd job and work on Sundays. Herman did not seem very receptive to
that option, saying he would rather have “chill time” than be a slave to a job.
He still cannot afford cable TV or internet, and his food budget is minimal, but
he should be able to pay for everything, including his cell phone, if he sticks
to the budget/austerity plan. Overall, Roger and I believe he has all the
extras that he needs, although he is living pretty much hand to mouth. Roger
and I can relate to initially living on a shoestring while in our first
apartments and surviving. The only big difference is that we were not drug
addicts.
Herman
admits that he still relies on finding loopholes as a means to get more than
what he has earned in life, and does not plan on changing. We told Herman that he really surprised us
when he said he knows we are too slick for him to try any of that loophole stuff
on us. We also agreed with him about us
being too slick for him.
This
brings up another good point, using the PSST tools is so much easier when your
addicted child no longer lives with you.
When you are holding someone accountable, there is very little
resentment. In addition, the break from
living in chaos, combined with the sanity that comes when the atmosphere of
addiction is not constantly in your face, also does wonders in improving the
interactions. We are no longer
“balloonatics” holding on for dear life to that huge Baby Herman Macy’s
Thanksgiving parade sized balloon of addiction.
The
first few days after Herman left were difficult for me, but two very wise men
gave me some sound advice that I frequently keep reminding myself. Lloyd Woodward, “our wise PO” said, “you have
done all that you could do, it is up to Herman to figure out the rest”. The
second wise man is my husband Roger, who said, “Now is the time we need to let
Herman be Herman, move on and continue living our lives”. Sort of like “live and let live”.
I
know Herman is still using, most likely more than marijuana and alcohol. We
informed him that he was not welcome in our home if he is high. The change in Herman’s appearance is
concerning. He has lost weight and is looking very strung out. We told Herman that he could always count on
our advice whenever he asks for it. After all, Roger and my combined ages
equals 110 years of experience, which is greater than Herman and his 4 inner
circle friend ages combined. Also adding,
that “you don’t get this far in life by being foolish”.
I
would be lying if I said I did not miss Herman, because I do. He is one funny
kid, and I miss the humor we often shared. I am however enjoying the cleaner bathroom
void of any strange vegetable matter and other various drug debris, a
significantly lower water bill, and saving money on food by learning how to buy
groceries for the entire family. (It seems I bought a lot of special food for
Herman, foolishly believing him when he told me everyone liked it…I have come
to find out that they didn’t.) Life in the Rabbit household is very ordinary
now, and that is a good thing. We bought new furniture for the living and
dining rooms. This was partially because they were remnants
of Herman’s wrath of mayhem, especially the scratched and broken dining room,
where so many arguments, many during and after family sessions with his PO and
Wesley Spectrum occurred. Today, I am no
longer breathalyzing, testing urine, or scanning for drugs/ paraphernalia,
although I did find a few things when we lifted the area rug in our living room
(a hiding spot I never checked). Things
are very different now, because this time I THREW THE EVIDENCE IN THE TRASH!! I, like Herman, am working on forward
thinking.
Herman says moving out on his own was the best
thing that happened to him. (Note how it is now HIS idea and we let him have
that one.) He said it’s great to be free. But unlike Dylan’s lyric “when you
ain’t got nothin’, you got nothin’ to lose”, which I believe refers to living
on the streets, Herman has plenty to lose. We just hope that it does not
happen. It is very evident that it is a new beginning for Roger and our other
four children. As far as Herman, like
the” wise guy” said…it’s now up to him to figure out the rest.
Jessica
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American Indian Teachings Relate to Lenny’s Recovery - - -
My
insightful African American / American Indian grandmother died when I was
12-years-old. I learned from her uncanny wisdom based on her Indian beliefs. A
couple of sayings she taught me while I was a little girl were “Pretty is - as
pretty does,” and “If you cannot say anything nice about someone, please don’t
say anything at all”.
On the recent home pass three weeks before Lenny returns
home permanently, we both were “ugly is – as ugly does.” In fact, I do not have
anything substantially nice to write (or say) about the recent home pass,
except that he was sober with the family. That should have been enough, but I
expected more cooperation from Lenny.
I will not share the unsuccessful end of
the home pass here, but related it to Lenny’s counselor. The counselor said if
the information was known when Lenny was returned back to the halfway house,
Lenny would not have been promoted to a higher level. I take full
responsibility for setting the tone for the whole pass by starting it off with
ridiculous car behavior demands. As to the ugly details that I chose not to
share, I will discuss it at my PSST home group on Saturday morning, February
16th, at the Mt. Lebanon United Methodist church.
“Ugly is – as ugly does” began after Lenny positioned himself in my car’s reclining position while picking him up for Sunday’s pass. The following statements from Roxie were:
1. Get the car seat out of the recline position.
2. Do not change the radio to 96.1, for I want Gospel.
3. Why didn't you wear church clothes today?
4. Turn down the radio so I can listen to the GPS. You know I am scared to get lost.
5. Do not sing while I am driving, for I cannot concentrate on where to go.
Whenever Lenny returns to the halfway house, there is always a mental tape that fast forwards and relaxingly rewinds in my mind. The review of the home pass was pretty ugly! Unfortunately, my knee-jerk reactions ran rampant during our 24-hour pass together. I should have taken positive control as soon as he entered the vehicle. Instead, I began Sunday off on the wrong foot. With hindsight being 20/20, the following positive "pretty is – as pretty does" scenarios could have been created by Roxie thinking first.
1. I need the car seat up please.
2. I will listen to Gospel this morning while you listen to rap this afternoon.
3. It is acceptable to wear regular clothes on Sunday, but I would like you to wear the church clothes that I bought next time.
4. Turn the radio down so I can hear the GPS voice without my phobia of getting lost kicking into overdrive.
5. Do not sing in the car while I am driving this morning.
It takes Lenny, Roxie, dad and twin sister to make or break the pass! Nevertheless, I am 35 years older than Lenny, so I need to try a little harder since I am the older adult, and spend most of the time with him. To be honest, the ages of 14 to 17 were more difficult for us to raise Lenny than my other two children combined. Lenny makes me feel like we are on a drug-induced roller coaster ride, in the dark, with an all-day pass stamped on our left hand. We never saw the roller coaster coming; scooping us in while experiencing the 60 mph loop-de-loop.
My grandmother used to pray for generations of descendants before they were born. It was her belief that if she made requests to God decades in advance, He would ensure a blessed life for her future family. A Lakota Sioux Indian saying is, “Force, no matter how concealed, begets resistance.” Even tribal wisdom acknowledges that I cannot compel Lenny to enter a smooth, easy ride in life. The bumpy home passes, though not desired, are ok. The roller coaster lifestyle he has experienced, in the past, will only end permanently when he decides.
I believe my grandmother prophetically knew who was coming down the track in her bloodline, which includes high incidents of alcoholism in American Indians. That is why she saved this roller coaster ride for my adulthood with Lenny, while she and I only rode the merry-go-round at Kennywood Park when I was a little girl.
The next time that I have a home pass that begins wrong from the onset, I will take the high road and turn it around. I possess the ability to change the direction of an otherwise downward spiraling, out of control situation with my fragile, recovering 17-year-old, Lenny.
Roxie
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Big Dog series
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, January 27, 2013
So far we have four Big Dog posts.
Each post gives some practical tips on how to be the parent-in-charge. We understand that being a good listener, being supportive, and using the art of compromise all play a part in being a positive well-rounded parent; however, if part of the problem is that the parent is not established as the "one-in-charge" then until that problem is addressed, none of these other parental skills will bear much fruit.
Who is the Big Dog in your car?
Who is the Big Dog at home featuring use of the word "NOW."
Who is the Big Dog featuring how to Accept a Win.
Ask Me Again Ask Me Again (Who is the Big Dog?)
There are times when we don't want to admit that our teenager has over time become "the one-in-charge." We feel like failures when we admit that. Until we face that it is difficult to take back control and the fact that we are in denial about it is big problem. If we have concrete ways in which we can begin to take back control it becomes possible to begin to change things. Every journey begins with the first small step.
We do not advocate that you take back control by being mean, belittling, or abusive. We certainly don't think yelling is a way to regain control, in fact, yelling and loosing control of ourselves is a sure way to forfeit leadership. Rather, taking a firm, business-like approach to putting limits on our teen's behavior can, over time, help put a parent back in the driver's seat.
Also, there is a lot of interest currently on our blog about contract writing. This is another great way for parents to put themselves in the drivers seat so long as the rules are enforced.
"If you have a rule that you are either unwilling or unable to enforce, then don't have that rule." BACK IN CONTROL Gregory Bodenhamer.
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For those of you who are writing a home contract for your teen (or young adult), here's a sample written by Jessica and Roger, two PSST parents who have had LOTS of experience writing such contracts.
HOME CONTRACT FOR (name of Subject)
Begins:(date) Ends: (date) When ______________will vacate the premises at (address)
______________________________ to find a different place to live.
You have had 18 years to learn how to make it on your own. Now it is time to
put it into practice. As your parents, we are attempting to eliminate the
atmosphere that comes along with using, from entering our home. We see that you
are trying, but your kind of trying just does not make thecut. There may be a
place for you "to shine" in a way that you cannot do here.
We appreciate your honesty and consistency in telling us exactly where you are
in your addiction.
PROVISIONS
1. There will be a zero tolerance for violating any of the following Provisions
that you must follow in order to fulfill this contract. If any of these rules
are broken, you must immediately seek a new place to live and vacate the
premises within 24 hours. Once you are out, you are out.
2. There will be no substance abuse, or being under the influence of any
chemical unless it is medically prescribed.
3. There will be no stealing.
4. There will be no borrowing without consent of the owner.
5. You must comply with all alcohol and drug screens as requested by your
parents. Refusal to do so will be interpreted as a positive test result; and
you will be asked to leave the premises (as in provision 1).
6. There will be no lying with regard to any provision in this contract. Be
prepared to answer all questions truthfully. If we cannot feel comfortable with
you in our interactions, you will be asked to leave (as in provision 1).
7. Always let us know where you plan to be when you are out of the house.
8. You must always answer you cell phone when we call you.
9. Curfew will be as per your Conditions of Supervision:
Sunday - Thursday: 10 PM
Friday, Saturday: 11 PM
No overnights ever. Adjustments will be considered for your work schedule only.
These times will be consistently reviewed, and may be considered for adjustment
after each 30 day period throughout the term of the contract. There will be no
grace period to account for any excuses to break curfew. Plan activities
accordingly; for any violations refer to Provision 1.
10. Take your laundry down to the basement laundry area every Tuesday morning
before 9 AM.
11. You must help with chores around the house as requested… i.e. taking out
trash, cleaning your bedroom, cleaning bathrooms, etc.
12. There will be no insulting, abusive behaviors or breaking things.
13. Re: PEOPLE, PLACES and THINGS… We do not want you to withdraw from the
world. We are not a cult. You need to find different people to "hang
out" with, find different places at which to "hang", and find
different things to do during your leisure times.
14. Avoid all "using" friends, and those that are known to use
illegal substances or commit crimes (i.e. underage drinking). This means the
entire __________________________ student body with the obvious exceptions of
your siblings and any of their friends that may be in our home.
15. You will not have the use of Facebook until you move out.
16. You will not have the use of X-Box Live until you move out.
17. You must avoid old "using" places:
* Woods.
* Parks - in _________________ and ___________________.
* Elementary Schools and school properties.
* Middle Schools and school properties.
* High Schools and school properties.
* Any secluded areas.
18. You must have a designated activity when you go out. "Chilling",
"Joy Riding", "Hiking", "Camping", and
"Sitting in Secluded Areas" are not acceptable nor allowed.
19. The onus is on you, (name)___________. There is no debating any of the
provisions of this contract. You must sign as is and make no further comments.
20. You must continue with Shores D&A Therapy as per Probation.
We are not sure how you can stay clean on your own. We have not known of anyone
who has done this without support, to help fill in gaps. As we have come to
learn and live. "Abstinence without change equals relapse".
21. We reserve the right to modify, add, delete any provision of this contract
at any time.
22. We reserve the right to require that you vacate the premises at any time
prior to (date).
JOB AND SCHOOL: Goals and Conditions
1) At this time, with your current course schedule, you must find legitimate
employment where ever you can to total 20 to 24 hours/week. For each week that
you are unemployed or under employed, a set of home responsibilities and chores
(without pay) will be appropriately assigned to coincide with the required
hours. With refusal or resistance to performing any assigned home
responsibilities or chores well, you will be asked to leave the premises (as in
provision 1).
2) YOU MUST BE EMPLOYED BY (date).
3) If you are not enrolled in classes at CCAC, under the circumstances, you
must maintain the equivalent of full-time employment (40+ hours/wk) and
additional part-time employment (up to 20 hours/wk). (Your reward will be your
freedom with some measure of financial security when this contract is
terminated.)
4) For the coming summer term at CCAC, you will verify your schedule with
parents.
5) Based on a review of your summer term course load, you will be required to
continue working significant hours as in condition 1 above.
6) If you elect to drop your current course load or to not take classes for the
summer term, see condition 2 above.
7) Free-Loading is unacceptable. Now is not the time to "…take a year off
to have fun…". You must be applying yourself in a significant capacity
toward furthering your education, be it job-training, or working. You will have
plenty of time for fun when you are successfully on your own. You can then plan
your education, work days and evenings, leisure times and vacation times
wisely.
VEHICLES
1. You will only drive a vehicle with your parents' permission and will turn
over your PA DL at your parents' request.
2. You will share in the expenses of Auto Insurance ($90/mo), vehicle
maintenance and fuel and repairs based on use and student status. See the Money
Management section for more details.
3. You must keep a daily mileage log…starting and ending mileage must be
verified by parents (LJC or BJC initialed).
4. You will not ride in vehicles with those that are on your no contact list,
and will not accept a ride with anyone thought to be impaired.
5. Any event that even raises a suspicion with regard to behaviors while
privileged with use of a vehicle will result in the immediate loss of that
privilege and other sanctions as deemed necessary.
MONEY
MANAGEMENT CONDITIONS
Purpose/Goals:
• To develop the discipline to save on your own.
• To get in the habit of saving.
• To understand the reasons/need to save.
• To understand your financial needs and develop a savings plan to meet them.
Use this time living at home as a springboard to a great start for when you
live independently. Make saving automatic.
1. Your parents will assist with money management as deemed necessary.
2. Specifically, while living at home under this contract, you must save 90 -
100% of your take-home pay. This is not negotiable. This is your money, but
this savings account will not be accessible to you at this time.
3. You will bring home your paycheck rather than take it to the bank. If your
employer offers or requires direct deposit, the direct deposit arrangements
must have parental approval. You must provide your paystub or a copy for
verification.
4. Likewise, for any cash you receive from any other sources, you must save
90-100%. Again, this remains your money.
5. All of your funds will be made accessible to you when you are on your own;
either at the completion of this contract or at any time prior to the end of
the contract when you vacate the premises.
6. All purchases must be made with the debit card for your FCU checking and
savings accounts. You are expected to be responsible with its use.
7. You must provide additional proof (original receipts) of all expenditures.
Ask for a receipt if one is not given.
8. You will carry no cash.
9. You must be transparent to us with the moneys that you earn and receive, and
your intentions to spend or save money.
10. Spending toward extra-curricular activities, classes, clothing,
entertainment, eating out, games, etc. or toward major purchases (car, home
furnishings, etc.) must have parental approval.
11. Parents will have access to your bank accounts for verification of
compliance.
12. You are responsible to reconcile/balance your online bank accounts weekly.
13. If there is any tampering or unauthorized (by your parents) withdrawal of
funds from your savings during the term of this contract, you must immediately
seek a new place to live and vacate the premises within 24 hours.
We hope you take the best advantage of your time in our home.
As promised, if you can abide by this contract through (date), we
will transfer the title of the Buick to you prior to you moving out.
In the meantime, there will be no discussion of prior relapses. If you have
questions about independent living, ask (therapist).
___________________________________________
(name of subject) Date
___________________________________________
(parent) Date
___________________________________________
(parent) Date
___________________________________________
Witness Date
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 The Possibility of Giving Birth during Inconvenient AA Meeting, One of The Best Problems
The following is a true account of a recent day in the life of Roxie, and her son, Lenny.
After our regularly scheduled counseling session at Lenny’s halfway house, our family decided to change his home pass from a Saturday to a Sunday.
I was delighted that Lenny agreed to go to church with us. I deliberately kept it from the congregation so Lenny could be lavished with extra hugs.
On that particular Sunday, my older son called at 8:00 a.m. to tell me that his wife’s water broke and she was in labor at the hospital. I woke up the family to give them the great news. “We have to miss church today,” I exclaimed, “for the baby is on the way!”
Consequently, there would be no huge fanfare for Lenny at church, with kisses from the older women and a special prayer from the Pastor.
While getting ready and envisioning the entire day in my mind, Lenny asked, “Are we going to an NA or AA meeting before or after the hospital?”
I thought I misunderstood his question. I felt my eyebrows touch each other in the middle of my face. Is he thinking about going to a meeting when my first grandson is about to be born?
I rechecked my mental faculties and realized I was experiencing an error in judgment and thinking. That was so very selfish of me. My sobriety goal for Lenny was for him to yearn to attend a meeting, but not today!
I swallowed hard and smiled as I said, “Let’s go to the hospital first, if you don’t mind.” The latter part of the statement was politeness, not consideration. I slowly exhaled. Lenny eased my worry of missing the birth by saying that he knew of a meeting that occurred all day, every hour on the hour.
We arrived at the hospital and my daughter-in-law was not quite ready to deliver. After 1.5 hours of waiting, I suggested that Lenny and I go to an AA-NA meeting and come back. He agreed.
I was delighted that my plan was coming together:
1. hospital;
2. NA-AA meeting;
3. hospital aka grandma.
We left the hospital during my daughter-in-law’s controlled breathing at 11:00 a.m., and arrived at the meeting facility at 11:30 a.m.
Several dudes were outside smoking cigarettes when Lenny and I arrived. I parked the car and anxiously walked over to a group of them with Lenny in tow. I told them I was dropping off my son for a meeting. “Ya’ll are super early,” said the young man who looked 16. “The meetin’ ain’t startin’ til’ 1 o’clock.”
Did I hear him right? That is one-and-a-half hours from now. I cannot deal with this ‘inconvenient meeting’. I’m going to be a grandma any minute! “I thought these meetings were all day,” I sternly stated. “No, the next one is at one,” he replied.
Before resorting to offering them money, I pleadingly asked, “Can you take my son inside and have a non-scheduled one hour meeting with him? Kinda' like a real meeting but it would only be between ya’ll four. We really can’t wait until one o’clock...Please?”
“Awww shucks, mam. We’ll do that for you and straighten him out,” said the older stranger. He looked at Lenny and stated, “Don’t disrespect your moms...give her a hug before we take you inside.” Excitedly, I hugged the stranger first and then my son. I left Lenny like a swaddled baby on cold church steps.
While speeding back to the hospital, my GPS indicated that I would not be able to pick up Lenny in an hour after encouraging my daughter-in-law to push. What had I just done?
I left my son with sober strangers who seemed a tad rough around the edges. Did I abandon my son for a grandson? Worse yet, I felt like I broke a cardinal rule on what constitutes an AA-NA meeting by coercing them to have a mini-meeting for my Lenny. I nervously pulled off the road and called Lenny’s Probation Officer, for fear of being arrested for aiding and abetting.
I do not know if Sunday morning calls from parents are the norm for him, but the Probation Officer did not seem surprised that I called. After asking if dropping off Lenny with strangers and convincing them to hold a meeting according to my time was legal, he said, “Hmm, I don’t think this has ever happened before.” I looked in the rear-view mirror; coast still clear.
After a pause that seemed like hours, he stated, “Under the circumstances, I think it is okay. If two or more addicts are together in discussion, it can be considered a meeting. When you speak with Lenny’s counselor next week, just make sure you mention what happened. Counselors can sometimes be sticklers about meetings.” After feeling a lot less guilty, I drove back to pick up Lenny, and arrived at the hospital 28 minutes before becoming a grandma.
The personal lessons I learned:
1. Two or more alcoholics/addicts in a discussion can constitute a meeting.
2. I cannot control labor, delivery, or Lenny.
3. If Lenny puts going to a meeting as top priority, no matter what, then I can’t afford to send him a message that I think something else is more important. My grandson has a brand new chance at life; Lenny’s daily decisions may shorten his own. Both are life and death.
4. If I feel afraid and need a second opinion, I can reach out to those who work with and love our kids. I think any parent will feel at ease talking with those who are there to not hinder our families, but to help.
For such a long time I hoped that Lenny would “get it” that 12-step recovery is going to be a big part of his success. I’ve wanted him to embrace it. He resisted.
Now that I see that what I had hoped for seems to be happening, it has caught me off guard. “Be careful what you ask for…” and we all know the rest of that saying.
In this instance I was left feeling grateful about my new grandson and my son.
Both have a new lease on life. Looking back, I’d say that was one of the best problems I could have!
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Take Care of Yourself After Your Teen Returns from Rehab ~ by Roxie
