Our teens will go along with us but sometimes they will hate it. Liking it isn't required. For example, recently a mom I work with wanted her teen to accompany her to church. She was traveling a long way to visit him in placement and she thought that would be an appropriate activity to include in his off-grounds visit. He rebelled and accused her of trying to stuff religion down his throat.
"You can't make me religious" he claimed. Then he went on to say other things of a hurtful nature.
She persisted and said if she was traveling all that way, she was going to church and he would just have to accept it.
So far so good. It's important that the mom set the stage and it's important that mom takes control of things on off-grounds visits so that her son believes that when he comes home there will be a new sheriff in town. That's when her son employed the old "OK, if you say I have to go, I'll go but blah blah blah" where he informed her of how horrible he thought she was and of how horrible he thought it was that they would go to "her church" but, yes, he would accompany Cruella de Vil and all of her Dalmatians to Church. It was all about what she wanted to do, wasn't it? What he wanted to do didn't matter. Don't they put you in jail for that in this country? Didn't the Pilgrims come over here to find religious freedom?
At this point the mom decided that she would just forgo the visit rather than let him win this one. She correctly saw that to have the visit and allow him to be in charge of what they do would be wrong because it would leave the strong impression that even when he is in placement he is still the big dog.
What she at first missed was this little part: she won. She is the big dog. He said he would go to church. He just doesn't like it. Mom did everything correct and of course it meets with her son's disapproval. The little dog is going to bark his head off over this. So? Mom won but it didn't feel like a win. Let's look at what is happening with our special PSST translator.
Son: OK OK I'll go to your stinkin church because it's not important what I want to do- it never is- the only thing that matters is that you get to spoonfeed me your brand of christianity.
SON, PSST translation: You really think you have some power? You really think you are in charge? Ha!
Mom: We aren't baby killers you know, and it won't kill you to come to church with me. I don't see why it's such a big deal. You should be happy to come with me, look at how far I travel to see you!
Mom, PSST translation: We can share the power. You can decide to come with me and I appreciate that. We are both powerful- and this is really important to me. If I present it the right way to you- you should WANT to come with me.
Son: Fine! I'll go! I'll do anything you want just because you say so. Oh Holy Mom, let me bow down and kiss your feet!
Son, PSST Translation: OK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time. YOK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time. You aren't tough enough for the job!
ou aren't tough enough for the job!
Mom: Forget it! I don't want to take you now and I don't even think I want to come up.
Mom, PSST Translation: Yes, I'm playing like I'm in charge and if you don't like it, I won't play. You have to learn to like it when I'm in charge.
OR- it could go this way.
Son: OK OK I'll go to your stinkin church because it's not important what I want to do- it never is- the only thing that matters is that you get to spoonfeed me your brand of christianity.
SON, PSST translation: You really think you have some power? You really think you are in charge? Ha!
Mom: Wow! You're going to hate going to my church with me!
Mom, PSST translation: Mom has employed the technique of agreeing with something that he says. She agreed that he would hate it- after all he says he will- he may or he may not but that doesn't matter here. Mom also assumes that he will comply. Mom understands that this isn't really about going to church, is it? This is about who is in charge.
Son: Yes. I am going to hate it and I shouldn't have to do it. This is a free country and you can't force religion on people and you should know that MOM!
Mom: OK. I see this will be a challenge for you. Regardless, I will pick you up at 10 on Sunday, we'll go to my Church, and then we'll go out to eat. After that maybe we'll see if there is something you want to do.
Mom, PSST translation: Yes, darn it, I am calling the shots. You don't have to like it but you will come with me and you can hate every stinkin minute- but you'll have to act appropriately. Mom presented this in the form of a challenge, meaning that he can't go there and act innapropriately either. Later, she can give him kudos for being such an adult about it (if he handles himself appropriately). The fact that he was resistant about going makes it even more to his credit later. "Even feeling the way you did about going, I'm very proud that you came with me and I don't think you even complained once we got there! Thanks. I think that was real "adult-stuff." (see labeling in the post right below this one.) Use of the power word nevertheless, showed that mom wasn't about to argue.
Son: Fine! I'll go! I'll do anything you want just because you say so. Oh Holy Mom, let me bow down and kiss your feet!
Son, PSST Translation: OK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for very long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time.
Mom: Ok, was there anything else? I'll see you Sunday!
Mom, PSST Translation: I know you will resent me being the one in charge, nevertheless, I will be the one in charge.
When you win you win. To the victor goes the spoils. That means that there is a cost to be the one in charge. You don't get to be the buddy anymore. You are sometimes resented. Just like the boss at work. Every decision is not a popular one; however, by accepting that and paying the price to be the big dog, you get respect. Respect is what you need now in order to supervise your teen. Love and approval (from them) comes later. Sometimes much later.
If you are willing to pay the price, you get to be the one in charge. If it's support and approval that you want, you don't get it from your teenager. You have to find that somewhere else.
Come to a PSST meeting because we have plenty of support and approval for you- especially if your doing your best to be the one in charge. We clap. We cheer; because at PSST we know just how hard it can be to be the big dog. We think it's worth it because only if you are the one in charge can you have a hope to steer your wayward teenager in the right direction. Of course, while your doing the "steering" he might be barking his head off!
"You can't make me religious" he claimed. Then he went on to say other things of a hurtful nature.
She persisted and said if she was traveling all that way, she was going to church and he would just have to accept it.
So far so good. It's important that the mom set the stage and it's important that mom takes control of things on off-grounds visits so that her son believes that when he comes home there will be a new sheriff in town. That's when her son employed the old "OK, if you say I have to go, I'll go but blah blah blah" where he informed her of how horrible he thought she was and of how horrible he thought it was that they would go to "her church" but, yes, he would accompany Cruella de Vil and all of her Dalmatians to Church. It was all about what she wanted to do, wasn't it? What he wanted to do didn't matter. Don't they put you in jail for that in this country? Didn't the Pilgrims come over here to find religious freedom?
At this point the mom decided that she would just forgo the visit rather than let him win this one. She correctly saw that to have the visit and allow him to be in charge of what they do would be wrong because it would leave the strong impression that even when he is in placement he is still the big dog.
What she at first missed was this little part: she won. She is the big dog. He said he would go to church. He just doesn't like it. Mom did everything correct and of course it meets with her son's disapproval. The little dog is going to bark his head off over this. So? Mom won but it didn't feel like a win. Let's look at what is happening with our special PSST translator.
Son: OK OK I'll go to your stinkin church because it's not important what I want to do- it never is- the only thing that matters is that you get to spoonfeed me your brand of christianity.
SON, PSST translation: You really think you have some power? You really think you are in charge? Ha!
Mom: We aren't baby killers you know, and it won't kill you to come to church with me. I don't see why it's such a big deal. You should be happy to come with me, look at how far I travel to see you!
Mom, PSST translation: We can share the power. You can decide to come with me and I appreciate that. We are both powerful- and this is really important to me. If I present it the right way to you- you should WANT to come with me.
Son: Fine! I'll go! I'll do anything you want just because you say so. Oh Holy Mom, let me bow down and kiss your feet!
Son, PSST Translation: OK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time. YOK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time. You aren't tough enough for the job!
ou aren't tough enough for the job!
Mom: Forget it! I don't want to take you now and I don't even think I want to come up.
Mom, PSST Translation: Yes, I'm playing like I'm in charge and if you don't like it, I won't play. You have to learn to like it when I'm in charge.
OR- it could go this way.
Son: OK OK I'll go to your stinkin church because it's not important what I want to do- it never is- the only thing that matters is that you get to spoonfeed me your brand of christianity.
SON, PSST translation: You really think you have some power? You really think you are in charge? Ha!
Mom: Wow! You're going to hate going to my church with me!
Mom, PSST translation: Mom has employed the technique of agreeing with something that he says. She agreed that he would hate it- after all he says he will- he may or he may not but that doesn't matter here. Mom also assumes that he will comply. Mom understands that this isn't really about going to church, is it? This is about who is in charge.
Son: Yes. I am going to hate it and I shouldn't have to do it. This is a free country and you can't force religion on people and you should know that MOM!
Mom: OK. I see this will be a challenge for you. Regardless, I will pick you up at 10 on Sunday, we'll go to my Church, and then we'll go out to eat. After that maybe we'll see if there is something you want to do.
Mom, PSST translation: Yes, darn it, I am calling the shots. You don't have to like it but you will come with me and you can hate every stinkin minute- but you'll have to act appropriately. Mom presented this in the form of a challenge, meaning that he can't go there and act innapropriately either. Later, she can give him kudos for being such an adult about it (if he handles himself appropriately). The fact that he was resistant about going makes it even more to his credit later. "Even feeling the way you did about going, I'm very proud that you came with me and I don't think you even complained once we got there! Thanks. I think that was real "adult-stuff." (see labeling in the post right below this one.) Use of the power word nevertheless, showed that mom wasn't about to argue.
Son: Fine! I'll go! I'll do anything you want just because you say so. Oh Holy Mom, let me bow down and kiss your feet!
Son, PSST Translation: OK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for very long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time.
Mom: Ok, was there anything else? I'll see you Sunday!
Mom, PSST Translation: I know you will resent me being the one in charge, nevertheless, I will be the one in charge.
When you win you win. To the victor goes the spoils. That means that there is a cost to be the one in charge. You don't get to be the buddy anymore. You are sometimes resented. Just like the boss at work. Every decision is not a popular one; however, by accepting that and paying the price to be the big dog, you get respect. Respect is what you need now in order to supervise your teen. Love and approval (from them) comes later. Sometimes much later.
If you are willing to pay the price, you get to be the one in charge. If it's support and approval that you want, you don't get it from your teenager. You have to find that somewhere else.
Come to a PSST meeting because we have plenty of support and approval for you- especially if your doing your best to be the one in charge. We clap. We cheer; because at PSST we know just how hard it can be to be the big dog. We think it's worth it because only if you are the one in charge can you have a hope to steer your wayward teenager in the right direction. Of course, while your doing the "steering" he might be barking his head off!
3 comments:
Just an update on my Dalmatian....
I called the placement facility and explained the phone call that had transpired, and asked if I could speak with my little dog after school. When he got on the phone I told him I had thought over our conversation from the previous evening, and I was glad that he had agreed to go to church and that I'd be up to see him around 10:00. I apologized to him that I originally didn't see his actual agreement because it was disguised behind sarcasm/disrespect, but it was there none-the-less. He then apologized for us getting into an argument [I didn't feel that I was arguing, but...] because it was a stupid reason, and I said "you are absolutely correct-we were stupid for getting into a disagreement over this. I will see you Sunday and we'll have McDonald's for breakfast before we leave. Was there anything else you'd like to discuss right now?" Our conversation ended on a very positive feeling, and I'm hoping Sunday turns out to be a great visit.
Thanks to Cruella for providing this scenario. We can all learn from what you are going through. Sometimes our teens are barking just because they realize the power is shifting. I think that is what is going on with your situation. You've done a great job of taking back control and the proof is right here in the story. Your teen realizes it and he doesn't like it.
Yet, part of him does like it. Teens really do want parents to step up to the plate- it's just that they are ambivalent. For example, some of our teeagers who get their act together, give up drugs, and start to make good decisions, sometimes volunteer to speak to other teens. They never thank people who have been lenient. They thank the people who have been tough. They thank the parents who quit enabling and started demanding better behavior and R.E.S.P.E.C.T. So in the end, all teens want someone to give them what they need: love & limits.
A further update.........as our first home pass approaches, my Dalmatian commented on what he will be doing while home. "Friday I'll go to the orthodontist, Saturday I'll help you with the gutters, and Sunday morning we'll go to church." I about dropped the phone. Funny how these things go, isn't it?
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