Worst Mother Ever Syndrome Posted by:Brigitte--Wednesday, June 05, 2013

I, Jessica Rabbit, recently declared myself a bad mother. I am struggling with trying to shake this self-imposed title that for the most part is seen as irrational by the majority, including my husband and the four Rabbit children. I have five children, so one of them does agree that I am indeed a bad mother to him. It is because of this one person, my son Herman that I am writing this.

I do not want to share this with him; I am writing this as a means for therapeutic catharsis, hoping that by putting my thoughts in written form, I could gain more insight into myself. Even though Herman is the second child of five, Herman’s addiction made him the child that I fought for the hardest, walked on egg shells for , cheered enthusiastically for behaviors that were simply expected by the other children, lost sleep over, cried the most for, ruminated on , and almost lost myself over. I was also the one who called the police on him and according to Herman “lied and got him locked up with horrible people”. I do not regret the latter. I remind myself constantly, that I have four other wonderful, talented, honorable and accountable children. Somehow their love, respect, and accomplishments cannot fill this gaping void of pain in my heart right now. This is just one more thing that also fills me with guilt. I had such a hard time letting Herman go, although in theory I knew it was the right thing to do. I am now holding him accountable, which also includes knowing that I cannot have a relationship with him until he embraces recovery. The fact that my own son, heart of my heart, is toxic to me and my family is very painful. His addiction, which brings out his disrespect and belligerence, is something from which we needed to separate ourselves. I remember once when Herman was sick as a child, we isolated him from the rest of the children, so they would not become infected. I still stayed with him, and braved getting ill, because I was his mom. However, I became ill with the same virus, and passed it on to several other family members. In a lot of ways, the same thing is happening now. Herman is sick, and poses danger to our family. I can no longer stay with him until he gets “better”, or risk infecting the family. The rest of my family is thriving in the new calm that Herman’s absence is providing. I was told by them that it now finally feels like a real home. For me, I feel horribly that someone is missing, although I am grateful for the calm. So there will be no more Sundays afternoons spent with Herman, for the sanity and safety of my family. 

My son Herman is an addict, although if you ask him, he will tell you differently. For those of you that have addiction in the family, you are aware of the chaos it provides. Loving and mothering an addicted child is so much more than just chaos. As mothers, our bond and love for each of our children is not measurable. In my case, I loved Herman so much that he actually had me convinced at one point that down was really up, black was really white, stop was really go… I got so caught up in the insanity, that I was compromising my true convictions, and feeling guilty and horrible about myself in the process. My initial plan was to fade quietly into the proverbial woodwork of PSST, because I felt that I was not the sort of messenger the dedicated parents from PSST needed. Adding insult to injury, Roger and I received the 2012 Parent of the Year award. The beautiful plaque that the courts gave us said we worked hard to save our son, but was also a stark reminder of our hypocrisy, because we recently gave up and quit on our son. I grimaced in embarrassment when I thought of our speech that night, proudly smiling for photos with all the juvenile justice system. What would they think of us now? 

For unexplained reasons, I felt compelled to let the group know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (so help me Lloyd). I tested the waters by sending out an update during the last virtual meeting. I typed out the words” Roger and I told our son we could no longer have a relationship with him until he embraces recovery”. I was certainly not fishing for any compliments, and I had immediate email sender’s regret the second I clicked on send. I felt like I had quit and given up on our son. Our last interaction was a huge disaster, and could definitely go down in the PSST record books as script for best role play of what not to do. I did not remember hearing or meeting anyone in PSST who ever did that to their child. I do not remember ending the relationship ever even being considered as an option. After all, we had spent so much time together in family therapy at Herman’s many placements, practiced the tried and true skills of PSST, and now we chose to no longer have contact with each other. How could this happen? We all know the answer, addiction. 

In our neighborhood, we were the shining examples of good parenting. Herman left our house handcuffed in the back seat of a police cruiser in early August 2010. A mere 17 months of placements and many PSST meetings later, Herman was transformed into the all American boy next door. People no longer recognized him, and several that did actually shook my hand, complimenting me on a job well done. The community was actually thanking me! It was a true Cinderella story, a miracle. Maybe Herman could be one of those miracles that we all applaud. However, slowly my miracle was falling apart. Herman was using again, and we stood by our word as per our contract, that after three strikes, he was out of our house for good. On January 4, 2013, eight days shy of one year that he came home, Herman moved out. Several months later, the neighbors who once complimented me were now showing concern .Through some portal, they were able to find out what I already knew,that Herman was no longer looking or acting the same. They wanted to give me a “heads up” because they were confident that I could steer Herman straight again, Roger and I just needed to re-do the magic. My initial magic was Lloyd Woodward, Kathy Tagmyer, PSST and the legal system. However we had exhausted all of the good /magic that could have ever been gotten from our dream team. Roger and I actually asked that Herman be taken off of probation in March of 2012. It was definitely the right thing to do, because we were at the point of diminishing return with Probation and placements. Roger and I felt we could and should handle this as his parents. 

So what did I do or not do that caused me to feel like I was a bad mother? I will tell you it was not from the many placements and stays at Shuman. From 1/4/2013 to 4/21/2013 I let Herman show up hung over, reeking of drinking the night before, or high and smelling like weed into my home. In retrospect he was very disrespectful in many ways to both Roger and me. The other four siblings would hide in their rooms whenever he visited. Somehow I had developed a different set of standards for Herman than the other four Rabbits. Initially I was grateful that Herman was just smoking weed and not spice or thankfully to our knowledge, not using heroin. He was only expected to pay his bills, stay out of the legal system and stay alive. This was very different from the bar we had set for the other four rabbits. I was just happy to have a relationship, and let Herman be Herman. I foolishly believed that since he was no longer living in our home, I could roll with things when it came to Herman’s drug use. He was my son, my flesh and blood. A mother’s love is not measurable. I could not imagine ever not having a relationship with him, no matter the cost. I was willingly chugging the Herman Kool Aid.

I suspected Herman was abusing amphetamines, namely Adderall or “college crack” .I told him my concerns about the amphetamines, and was relieved when he told me he was just drinking and smoking weed. Things were now getting pretty bad, for I was now endorsing his drug use, a line I thought I could never cross. Meanwhile the other four were expected to not use drugs or drink alcohol, until they were legally able to drink, get good grades, excel and be honorable and accountable. Clearly I was setting a double standard. I chose to be blind to injustice, as well as to the degree of damage that the Herman chaos I was permitting was causing my other children. If you look to the right column on the blog, you will see the heart felt and powerful post written by my 17 year old daughter Kitt, titled “My God Darn Screw up Brother”. She wrote it for a school English paper, and received an A. My other daughter, Kitt’s twin sister Katt, informed me of how much time I spent helping and talking about Herman, to the point that she was very angry and sick of it, she said that she felt invisible My oldest, Zeke, who is Herman’s older brother by 14 months said that he was glad to have some respite and live at college because of the chaos. Zeke’s has many academic achievements, including consistently making the dean’s list. My youngest son Zach said he did not care, and had nothing to say. However I believe that the ones who say the least have the most to say. 

Then there is Herman, the reason I am even aware of this blog. He showed up to our home still celebrating 4/20 on Sunday 4/21. Roger was working on some administrative work related things, and the other siblings were hiding in their rooms, which was the norm. I should add that I pretended to not find it strange that everyone hid when Herman came, leaving me to chatter away with mindless conversation, while washing his laundry, and clearing out my pantry of food to give him. I was saving him at least 25 dollars per week in laundry, plus saving him food expense. He now had a bigger weed/alcohol budget thanks to me. Still my head was in the sand, a fact I knew. I just loved him so much that I wanted to believe him and his delusion of doing well. The blatancy of Herman’s drug use, compounded with his diatribe of how I “wronged him by placements”, hit me squarely in the eyes that day, I cannot accurately describe the events that led up to the interactions, but succinctly said, I had it. I believe it was ultimately his disrespect of his father that finally got to me. 

Roger and I both sent Herman letters to clarify our positions. I apologized for my name calling, and explained the stance we are taking. I told him that I made a huge mistake in thinking I could roll with his drug and alcohol use. The words “hear us now, believe us later, your drug use has cost you your family, but will prove to be more costly in the future”, were emphasized. Herman blames us for his drug use, and says he is using less with us out of the picture. Herman refuses to interact with me, saying I am one of his people, places and things. I guess I am, if Herman is trying to feel justified in using. In my heart of hearts I see no other way of handling this. I did everything imaginable to get him the best help and support. I did the responsible thing as a parent. There is no way that I can endorse Herman’s criminal behavior any more. We needed to protect ourselves and our family from Herman. Things were becoming progressively more chaotic and dangerous. Sadly, this was our only option. Herman told his father that this break was for the best, and that I needed to let go. So now I have Herman’s permission to let him go. Would more did I need? There is a saying “Let go, or be dragged”. I think I sometimes chose to be dragged. However I know that is not rational thinking, so I am letting go. I think it is a process that includes mourning. It has been almost 2 months since I have seen or heard from Herman, and I feel myself getting stronger. I think most rehabs say it takes 30 days to detox, I am feeling a tiny bit better about our decision. 

Roger, Herman’s father, has a very different view of the situation and what we are dealing with, as well as what it did to the family. He states “As per the contract, Herman must be on his own and must now face the consequences of the real world. The dialog became abusive, disrespectful and he was still using. We needed to protect our family. We still love him, and will be there for Herman whenever he embraces recovery”. 

So there you have it, the Rabbit family statement on the record. There is one last thing that I would like to share in closing, never forget the power of one kind word. Personally speaking, the comments and support I received when I reached out really helped to uplift me, to the point that I am starting to feel like myself again, and worthy to give out advice . 

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written by Brigitte

The PSST meeting this week was chock full: there were several terrific role-plays and good discussions. As often happens, there was not enough time to cover everyone's issues. There seemed to be a theme among some parents whose kids were no longer on probation and no longer living at home. Many are struggling.

This is the scenario for Francois and I. Pierre has been out of our home since relapse after relapse told us to try something different. After leaving a 1/2way house, he went directly to a 3/4 house. For two months, we all started to breathe a sigh of relief that maybe this time he could do it. He was going to meetings, working, speaking for his NA group and enjoying his family again; and we were enjoying him!

Sadly, I can't say that is the case right now. After leaving the 3/4 house, the past three months have shown a steady decline in his commitment to recovery. He doesn't go to meetings, hasn't held a steady job in three months, and doesn't have a place to stay except for couch surfing with friends. He admits to using but claims it was only 4 or 5 times. Neither Francois or I believe that for a second and his actions confirm our fears. Until last week, he hadn't asked us for anything and we were still able to enjoy his weekly visits.

Last week he asked if we could help him find a place to stay. I told him that our offer of paying rent on a 3/4 house is still valid but obviously he would have to be clean. He didn't like that option. I said if he were clean, he could stay here short-term (a week or two), but only if he would agree to our rules, daily drug tests, and be actively look for a job. He didn't like that option either. Instead, he proposed that we co-sign a lease and pay the first month of rent--then he would take it from there. We told him that wasn't going to work for us; we would wait until he is clean and has a job before we could talk about an apartment. Naturally, he didn't like that option either. 

I reminded him that, for three months, we have been pressing him to get a job and a place to stay; we had warned him that the day would come when he will be stuck. That day is now here and now he has to figure it out. He left angry.

He came by again a few days later and tried to convince me that his girlfriend and her mother needed $50. The request was so ridiculous, it was alarming. Surprisingly, he agreed to a drug test. It was positive as I had anticipated. When I refused his request, I saw the intensity he used to show when he was actively using and out of money. "You know that PSST group you go to?" "Yes." "Is that why you have become such a bitch?" "If by 'being a bitch', you mean not giving you money, I suppose." He got angry and said go to hell, quickly apologized, then left. I went downstairs and found a hole in the wall. Now it was my turn to be angry.

Next day he wanted to come by and I said no. He stopped by anyway. Francois asked him to leave and explained that we are willing to help but only on our terms, not his. He left although he didn't seem angry this time.Ugh. This feels like a terrible waiting game--waiting for him to become uncomfortable enough to want change. Waiting for him to hit bottom, yet hoping his bottom isn't life threatening. Each night I pray he is safe. We throw out offers of help that are contingent upon him being clean but he keeps batting them down. One thing that Lloyd said at the meeting last week really helped: Pierre isn't down all time. I often imagine him lonely, homeless and desperate. The reality is, he is out having a good time and shows us his desperate face when he wants something. Francois and I feel like he will need to fall pretty hard before he will make any positive changes but, boy, it is hard to watch. We continue to reach out to him but his addictive, manipulative behavior is starting to make it hard to maintain a healthy relationship. I keep thinking about how different he seems right now compared to when he first left the 1/2way house and it makes me incredibly sad. However, our home has become peaceful and stable since he left and we have told him we are not willing to let his addiction affect our family like it had in the past.

"I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom."

George S. Patton

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22 Things Happy People Do Differently Posted by:Brigitte--Monday, April 01, 2013

Submitted by Kathie T (original internet source unknown)

There are two types of people in the world: those who choose to be happy, and those who choose to be unhappy. Contrary to popular belief, happiness doesn't come from fame, fortune, other people, or material possessions. Rather, it comes from within. The richest person in the world could be miserable while a homeless person could be right outside, walking around with a spring in every step. Happy people are happy because they make themselves happy. They maintain a positive outlook on life and remain at peace with themselves.

The question is: how do they do that? It's quite simple. Happy people have good habits that enhance their lives. They do things differently. Ask any happy person, and they will tell you that they:

 

1. Don't hold grudges
Happy people understand that it's better to forgive and forget than to let their negative feelings crowd out their positive feelings. Holding a grudge has a lot of detrimental effects on your wellbeing, including increased depression, anxiety, and stress. Why let anyone who has wronged you have power over you? If you let go of all your grudges, you'll gain a clear conscience and enough energy to enjoy the good things in life.
 

2. Treat everyone with kindness
Did you know that it has been scientifically proven that being kind makes you happier? Every time you perform a selfless act, your brain produces serotonin, a hormone that eases tension and lifts your spirits. Not only that, but treating people with love, dignity, and respect also allows you to build stronger relationships.

 

3. See problems as challenges
The word "problem" is never part of a happy person's vocabulary. A problem is viewed as a drawback, a struggle, or an unstable situation while a challenge is viewed as something positive like an opportunity, a task, or a dare. Whenever you face an obstacle, try looking at it as a challenge.

 

4. Express gratitude for what they already have

There's a popular saying that goes something like this: "The happiest people don't have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have." You will have a deeper sense of contentment if you count your blessings instead of yearning for what you don't have.

 

5. Dream big

People who get into the habit of dreaming big are more likely to accomplish their goals than those who don't. If you dare to dream big, your mind will put itself in a focused and positive state.

 

6. Don't sweat the small stuff
Happy people ask themselves, "Will this problem matter a year from now?" They understand that life's too short to get worked up over trivial situations. Letting things roll off your back will definitely put you at ease to enjoy the more important things in life.

 

7. Speak well of others
Being nice feels better than being mean. As fun as gossiping is, it usually leaves you feeling guilty and resentful. Saying nice things about other people encourages you to think positive, non-judgmental thoughts.

 

8. Never make excuses

Benjamin Franklin once said, "He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else." Happy people don't make excuses or blame others for their own failures in life. Instead, they own up to their mistakes and, by doing so, they proactively try to change for the better.

 

9. Get absorbed into the present
Happy people don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. They savor the present. They let themselves get immersed in whatever they're doing at the moment. Stop and smell the roses.

 

10. Wake up at the same time every morning
Have you noticed that a lot of successful people tend to be early risers? Waking up at the same time every morning stabilizes your circadian rhythm, increases productivity, and puts you in a calm and centered state.

 

11. Avoid social comparison
Everyone works at his own pace, so why compare yourself to others? If you think you're better than someone else, you gain an unhealthy sense of superiority. If you think someone else is better than you, you end up feeling bad about yourself. You'll be happier if you focus on your own progress and praise others on theirs.

 

12. Choose friends wisely

Misery loves company. That's why it's important to surround yourself with optimistic people who will encourage you to achieve your goals. The more positive energy you have around you, the better you will feel about yourself.

 

13. Never seek approval from others

Happy people don't care what others think of them. They follow their own hearts without letting naysayers discourage them. They understand that it's impossible to please everyone. Listen to what people have to say, but never seek anyone's approval but your own.

 

14. Take the time to listen
Talk less; listen more. Listening keeps your mind open to others' wisdoms and outlooks on the world. The more intensely you listen, the quieter your mind gets, and the more content you feel.

 

15. Nurture social relationships
A lonely person is a miserable person. Happy people understand how important it is to have strong, healthy relationships. Always take the time to see and talk to your family, friends, or significant other.

 

16. Meditate

Meditating silences your mind and helps you find inner peace. You don't have to be a zen master to pull it off. Happy people know how to silence their minds anywhere and anytime they need to calm their nerves.

 

17. Eat well
Junk food makes you sluggish, and it's difficult to be happy when you're in that kind of state. Everything you eat directly affects your body's ability to produce hormones, which will dictate your moods, energy, and mental focus. Be sure to eat foods that will keep your mind and body in good shape. 

 

18. Exercise
Studies have shown that exercise raises happiness levels just as much as Zoloft does. Exercising also boosts your Self Improvement and gives you a higher sense of self-accomplishment.

 

19. Live minimally
Happy people rarely keep clutter around the house because they know that extra belongings weigh them down and make them feel overwhelmed and stressed out. Some studies have concluded that Europeans are a lot happier than Americans are, which is interesting because they live in smaller homes, drive simpler cars, and own fewer items.

 

20. Tell the truth
Lying stresses you out, corrodes your Self Improvement, and makes you unlikeable. The truth will set you free. Being honest improves your mental health and builds others' trust in you. Always be truthful, and never apologize for it. 

 

21. Establish personal control
Happy people have the ability to choose their own destinies. They don't let others tell them how they should live their lives. Being in complete control of one's own life brings positive feelings and a great sense of self-worth.

 

22. Accept what cannot be changed
Once you accept the fact that life is not fair, you'll be more at peace with yourself. Instead of obsessing over how unfair life is, just focus on what you can control and change it for the better.

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I cannot control labor, delivery, or Lenny Posted by:Brigitte--Sunday, January 20, 2013

The Possibility of Giving Birth during Inconvenient AA Meeting, One of The Best Problems

The following is a true account of a recent day in the life of Roxie, and her son, Lenny.

After our regularly scheduled counseling session at Lenny’s halfway house, our family decided to change his home pass from a Saturday to a Sunday.

I was delighted that Lenny agreed to go to church with us. I deliberately kept it from the congregation so Lenny could be lavished with extra hugs.

On that particular Sunday, my older son called at 8:00 a.m. to tell me that his wife’s water broke and she was in labor at the hospital. I woke up the family to give them the great news. “We have to miss church today,” I exclaimed, “for the baby is on the way!”

Consequently, there would be no huge fanfare for Lenny at church, with kisses from the older women and a special prayer from the Pastor.

While getting ready and envisioning the entire day in my mind, Lenny asked, “Are we going to an NA or AA meeting before or after the hospital?”

I thought I misunderstood his question. I felt my eyebrows touch each other in the middle of my face. Is he thinking about going to a meeting when my first grandson is about to be born?

I rechecked my mental faculties and realized I was experiencing an error in judgment and thinking. That was so very selfish of me. My sobriety goal for Lenny was for him to yearn to attend a meeting, but not today!

I swallowed hard and smiled as I said, “Let’s go to the hospital first, if you don’t mind.” The latter part of the statement was politeness, not consideration. I slowly exhaled. Lenny eased my worry of missing the birth by saying that he knew of a meeting that occurred all day, every hour on the hour.

We arrived at the hospital and my daughter-in-law was not quite ready to deliver. After 1.5 hours of waiting, I suggested that Lenny and I go to an AA-NA meeting and come back. He agreed.

I was delighted that my plan was coming together:

1. hospital;

2. NA-AA meeting;

3. hospital aka grandma.

We left the hospital during my daughter-in-law’s controlled breathing at 11:00 a.m., and arrived at the meeting facility at 11:30 a.m.

Several dudes were outside smoking cigarettes when Lenny and I arrived. I parked the car and anxiously walked over to a group of them with Lenny in tow. I told them I was dropping off my son for a meeting. “Ya’ll are super early,” said the young man who looked 16. “The meetin’ ain’t startin’ til’ 1 o’clock.”

Did I hear him right? That is one-and-a-half hours from now. I cannot deal with this ‘inconvenient meeting’. I’m going to be a grandma any minute! “I thought these meetings were all day,” I sternly stated. “No, the next one is at one,” he replied.

Before resorting to offering them money, I pleadingly asked, “Can you take my son inside and have a non-scheduled one hour meeting with him? Kinda' like a real meeting but it would only be between ya’ll four. We really can’t wait until one o’clock...Please?”

“Awww shucks, mam. We’ll do that for you and straighten him out,” said the older stranger. He looked at Lenny and stated, “Don’t disrespect your moms...give her a hug before we take you inside.” Excitedly, I hugged the stranger first and then my son. I left Lenny like a swaddled baby on cold church steps.

While speeding back to the hospital, my GPS indicated that I would not be able to pick up Lenny in an hour after encouraging my daughter-in-law to push. What had I just done?

I left my son with sober strangers who seemed a tad rough around the edges. Did I abandon my son for a grandson? Worse yet, I felt like I broke a cardinal rule on what constitutes an AA-NA meeting by coercing them to have a mini-meeting for my Lenny. I nervously pulled off the road and called Lenny’s Probation Officer, for fear of being arrested for aiding and abetting.

I do not know if Sunday morning calls from parents are the norm for him, but the Probation Officer did not seem surprised that I called. After asking if dropping off Lenny with strangers and convincing them to hold a meeting according to my time was legal, he said, “Hmm, I don’t think this has ever happened before.” I looked in the rear-view mirror; coast still clear.

After a pause that seemed like hours, he stated, “Under the circumstances, I think it is okay. If two or more addicts are together in discussion, it can be considered a meeting. When you speak with Lenny’s counselor next week, just make sure you mention what happened. Counselors can sometimes be sticklers about meetings.” After feeling a lot less guilty, I drove back to pick up Lenny, and arrived at the hospital 28 minutes before becoming a grandma.

The personal lessons I learned:

1. Two or more alcoholics/addicts in a discussion can constitute a meeting.

2. I cannot control labor, delivery, or Lenny.

3. If Lenny puts going to a meeting as top priority, no matter what, then I can’t afford to send him a message that I think something else is more important. My grandson has a brand new chance at life; Lenny’s daily decisions may shorten his own. Both are life and death.

4. If I feel afraid and need a second opinion, I can reach out to those who work with and love our kids. I think any parent will feel at ease talking with those who are there to not hinder our families, but to help.

For such a long time I hoped that Lenny would “get it” that 12-step recovery is going to be a big part of his success. I’ve wanted him to embrace it. He resisted.

Now that I see that what I had hoped for seems to be happening, it has caught me off guard. “Be careful what you ask for…” and we all know the rest of that saying.

In this instance I was left feeling grateful about my new grandson and my son.

Both have a new lease on life. Looking back, I’d say that was one of the best problems I could have!

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