Bob Dylan’s song “Like a Rolling Stone” really struck a chord with me when I listened to it recently. I have always been a fan, but listening to the youthful, cynical voice of a young Dylan really got me thinking about Herman’s new chapter in his life. Author, Oliver Trager describes the song as “Dylan’s sneer at a woman who has fallen from grace and is reduced to fending for herself in a hostile, unfamiliar world”. Now I am not sure if Bob Dylan would agree with me, but I feel that the song could easily be about Herman, as well as the “Miss Lonely” mentioned in the song.
Here is the YouTube link if you care to listen (or play along while you read this post)
The chorus, “How does it feel to be on your own, with no direction home, a complete unknown, like a rolling stone” pretty much summarizes my thought processes lately regarding Herman. The beginnings to the answer of that question were revealed on Saturday.
After
3 ½ weeks of independence, Herman called and asked if he could stop by and go
over some “business” with his father and me. I must admit I was a bit concerned
about what “business” he wanted to discuss, being that he specifically
requested that we stay out of his business. However I threw all caution to the
wind, and told him he could come at 5PM, but that we were leaving at 7PM for
dinner with friends.
I
was upstairs when I heard my trusty Lab, Shuman, viciously barking and Roger saying
“sic him”. Concerned that we were being victims of a home invasion, I quickly
descended the stairs only to find Herman being held at bay at the door’s
threshold by Shuman, his former
trusty dog friend, laughing along with Roger, and his four other siblings.
“Welcome
To Our Home”, was definitely not the first thought Shuman was thinking. I think she also likes the new calm in our
home, and was dead set on protecting it.
Shuman did eventually back down, and looked sort of embarrassed, but it
sure was funny to see that tableau.
Herman’s
first visit as a guest in our home, guard dog attack and all, set the stage
that lead into our beginning to find out how Herman “is” on his own, along with
starting to work out this new level of relationship with him. Foremost, I think
Herman wants our advice and approval, as well as a relationship. The reason for
him stopping by was to go over his budget and fill out his 2012 income tax
forms. Herman made a point of proudly telling us that he still uses the same
hanging folder that we made for him last year. It was pretty much intact with
how it was initially filled, minus that pesky junk mail of Probation papers,
including his dismissal papers.
Roger
patiently assisted Herman with his tax forms, and painstakingly went over the
budget again. He advised Herman that 39-40hr/wk. at $8/hr. was not enough to live responsibly
(i.e. planning realistically for expenses). It seems the 2 jobs that employ
Herman have cut back on his hours. Roger’s very simple solution was to pick up
a 3rd job and work on Sundays. Herman did not seem very receptive to
that option, saying he would rather have “chill time” than be a slave to a job.
He still cannot afford cable TV or internet, and his food budget is minimal, but
he should be able to pay for everything, including his cell phone, if he sticks
to the budget/austerity plan. Overall, Roger and I believe he has all the
extras that he needs, although he is living pretty much hand to mouth. Roger
and I can relate to initially living on a shoestring while in our first
apartments and surviving. The only big difference is that we were not drug
addicts.
Herman
admits that he still relies on finding loopholes as a means to get more than
what he has earned in life, and does not plan on changing. We told Herman that he really surprised us
when he said he knows we are too slick for him to try any of that loophole stuff
on us. We also agreed with him about us
being too slick for him.
This
brings up another good point, using the PSST tools is so much easier when your
addicted child no longer lives with you.
When you are holding someone accountable, there is very little
resentment. In addition, the break from
living in chaos, combined with the sanity that comes when the atmosphere of
addiction is not constantly in your face, also does wonders in improving the
interactions. We are no longer
“balloonatics” holding on for dear life to that huge Baby Herman Macy’s
Thanksgiving parade sized balloon of addiction.
The
first few days after Herman left were difficult for me, but two very wise men
gave me some sound advice that I frequently keep reminding myself. Lloyd Woodward, “our wise PO” said, “you have
done all that you could do, it is up to Herman to figure out the rest”. The
second wise man is my husband Roger, who said, “Now is the time we need to let
Herman be Herman, move on and continue living our lives”. Sort of like “live and let live”.
I
know Herman is still using, most likely more than marijuana and alcohol. We
informed him that he was not welcome in our home if he is high. The change in Herman’s appearance is
concerning. He has lost weight and is looking very strung out. We told Herman that he could always count on
our advice whenever he asks for it. After all, Roger and my combined ages
equals 110 years of experience, which is greater than Herman and his 4 inner
circle friend ages combined. Also adding,
that “you don’t get this far in life by being foolish”.
I
would be lying if I said I did not miss Herman, because I do. He is one funny
kid, and I miss the humor we often shared. I am however enjoying the cleaner bathroom
void of any strange vegetable matter and other various drug debris, a
significantly lower water bill, and saving money on food by learning how to buy
groceries for the entire family. (It seems I bought a lot of special food for
Herman, foolishly believing him when he told me everyone liked it…I have come
to find out that they didn’t.) Life in the Rabbit household is very ordinary
now, and that is a good thing. We bought new furniture for the living and
dining rooms. This was partially because they were remnants
of Herman’s wrath of mayhem, especially the scratched and broken dining room,
where so many arguments, many during and after family sessions with his PO and
Wesley Spectrum occurred. Today, I am no
longer breathalyzing, testing urine, or scanning for drugs/ paraphernalia,
although I did find a few things when we lifted the area rug in our living room
(a hiding spot I never checked). Things
are very different now, because this time I THREW THE EVIDENCE IN THE TRASH!! I, like Herman, am working on forward
thinking.
Herman says moving out on his own was the best
thing that happened to him. (Note how it is now HIS idea and we let him have
that one.) He said it’s great to be free. But unlike Dylan’s lyric “when you
ain’t got nothin’, you got nothin’ to lose”, which I believe refers to living
on the streets, Herman has plenty to lose. We just hope that it does not
happen. It is very evident that it is a new beginning for Roger and our other
four children. As far as Herman, like
the” wise guy” said…it’s now up to him to figure out the rest.
Jessica
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