My 19-year-old son Dylan is looking for an apartment, and is
hoping to share with a friend who is 20. Both of them have juvenile
records - neither has any credit history – and both have spotty work histories
at minimum wage jobs. Neither of them has a car, so they need to be near
public transportation. Dylan plans to get a job, but does not have one
yet. His friend just got a full-time job at a fast-food restaurant.
Both of them drink & get high (marijuana), but seem to be functional – they
don’t live with me, thank goodness.
I suspect that many of you have had experience with your own
children leasing apartments, and I’d love any tips from you. I definitely
don’t want to co-sign for a 12-month lease. Do you have suggestions/warnings? (And
wouldn’t you just love to be their landlord?)
8 comments:
My suggestion is that they find a situation where somebody is renting out rooms. I'm not talking about a boarding house. I'm talking about a roommate situation. There are many situations where there multiple rooms that they run together plus they have the share of the whole house. It’s a house share or an apartment share. They don't usually ask for leases. Or at least some people will do it without a lease.
See my post on this blog http://nevertheless-psst.blogspot.com/2015/07/no-enabling-in-this-family.html. My son was a drug user. I have never given him money for rent, and I do not co-sign for anything (except for his school loan, but only after he successfully completed community college). I make sure that my son understands the association between me buying him expensive things [for his sport] and him continuing to stay clean.
Lorraine
Our son Mike moved out of our house and into a house where he rented a room that he shared with his friend from rehab. The landlord charged each kid $450 and the $450 included food, i.e. baloney sandwiches and an occasional bag of Sun Chips. After 30 days, Mike said that things "weren't working out" and could he come home. I suspect he was hungry and knew we had better food.
We gently told him that moving back in wasn't possible. Needless to say, he hated us. We did not contribute to the cost of the room because we felt that was his decision to move out and he needed to figure out how he was going to pay his way. We knew that preaching and nagging were not going to change his mind and that he had to experience this for himself.
He has since moved out of the over-priced room, met a nice girl, has had steady employment for the past two years, learned to drive, and bought his first car. He did this all on his own. He is living with the girlfriend and her family. He recently told me and his father that we did the right thing by not letting him move back in at that time because he was still misbehaving, i.e. using. I think that living situation forced him to grow up a bit and to do some hard thinking about his future.
Every child is different. The outcome could have been really bad, but in our case, I think Mike realized that he made some not-so-good decisions and seems to have learned from them. Good luck with your situation!
It's All In The Family,
Edith and Archie
My son will be turning 22 on Saturday. You have my sympathies. I, too, would not co-sign for him and his "fiance" to get an apartment. On the other hand, his **!! father would. Thankfully, my son lost his job [quit] the week prior to it all happening. The happy couple just bought a mobile home [$200] and have to pay lot rent [$325] per month. They 'work' for the trailer park on the weekends doing odd jobs to take some money off their rent. The fiance's father had to vouch for them but even with his help, they still had trouble.
Although I have no specific words of encouragement or advice, I will say that you are doing the right thing by not enabling him/them by co-signing. Stick to your guns. It will be hard because your son will pull out all the weapons in his arsenal to make you feel guilty.
The fact of his/their age, and drug use........were either of them in placement? If so, would a 3/4 house be an appropriate suggestion? Not in their eyes, of course.
I don't come to the meetings anymore, but think of all the people there all the time. PSST was monumental in my learning to 'deal' with things.
Blessings, "June Cleaver"
Your story sounds so familiar, because we have been there! It’s such a struggle especially when they are YOUNG "adults" and we still feel as though we need to help and rescue them.
We were always told that if our addict is using not to give them any kind of help with money or financially because that just enables them to be able to get drugs. So, we tried only to help if our daughter was clean and trying to stay that way. HOWEVER, we did help with rent on an apartment and co-sign for a 3 month lease after she got out of a half way house. She ended up only staying clean for 2 months max. We had a relationship with the landlord who allowed us to get out of the lease when she had to move out and go back into treatment.
We decided after that experience we would never co-sign on anything again.
Our daughter, now 21, continues to stay clean for awhile and then relapses, again, but does NOT live with us either.
Hope things work out for your son!
Charlotte
Hi Jenn,
It has taken us 1 1/2 years to realize our "helping" our addicted son was keeping him dependent upon us and treating him like a child. It was giving him the message that he is incapable of making his own decisions and caring for himself.
He is in his 4th rehab which he arranged totally on his own. He has just called for money for clothes. We are lovingly telling him no and he can do this himself.
This is very difficult for both my son and for us. NaraNon and PSST have been a big help.
The apt Andy lives in is in MY name, and I sign 12 month leases. The complex would not rent to Andy as he has felonies and couldn't pass the background clearance check. A wonderful property mgr was willing to take the risk in allowing me to rent the apt (her brother is an addict), and Andy has not let her down.
Also, we have always made it clear to Andy that if he is using - we will not support financially. Aug 8 he was 4 yrs clean & sober - God is good. Andy only takes in roommates who are in ACTIVE recovery and absolutely NO alcohol in the apt as that is a drug too. At some point we are considering purchasing a condo or mobile home.
However, renting a place for 19 & 20 yr olds who are smoking weed and drinking underage is a disaster in the making, especially if neighbors call the police for a public disturbance.
I would suggest renting a mobile home in your name and a brand new bike or small scooter that can be securely locked during the day to get to T or bus route. Mobile home living is less picky on whom they rent to and more negotiable in short-term leases (say you are a contract employee for 6 months in the area).
If Dylan has his driver’s license, buy him a beater car for a few hundred dollars. It just makes your life less stressful. If he screws up you can always say – sorry, we gave you the chance, and you knew the conditions and rules WE WILL LIVE WITH.
Cheryl
We decided to co-sign for our son’s lease, knowing that it might backfire and leave us responsible for an extra month’s rent or more. Prior to that, we had not helped him with money or rent and he was homeless (couch surfing) for close to a year. He was in a cycle of not being able to work because he didn’t have an address and vice versa. He also had thousands of dollars of court costs to repay.
Somehow he got a job and seemed to be somewhat on track, so we decided to help him get a studio apartment with the intention of having him take over 100% of the rent within a year. We paid his court costs since they had a quick due date, and we put him on a payment plan to pay us back. The apartment we found was reasonably priced, near the trolley/bus, and only charged an extra month’s rent for early termination (before a year) of the lease.
That was a year and a half ago and he is still in the apartment, still working at the same job, and has fully paid us back. He now pays all his own expenses with occasional help with a bus pass or a haircut. Next year, he should have enough good credit to be able to sign his own lease.
I’m not suggesting you do what we did unless you feel that Dylan is serious about his responsibilities and you are okay with the risk you might be taking by co-signing. In our case, Pierre had matured to the point that we felt the risk was minimal and that the stability of having his own place was going to help, not enable, him.
Good luck with everything! Not an easy time since it’s sometimes hard to know what is helping and what is enabling.
Brigitte
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