Take Care of Yourself After Your Teen Returns from Rehab ~ by Roxie
The whole
family has been awaiting this wonderful next chapter in Lenny’s 17-year-old
life as he comes home to live with the family permanently. We were so excited,
anxious with anticipation of his long over-due presence in our otherwise boring
household. We are very proud of his clean journey, thus far. Yet, Lenny has a
way of livening things up while returning to his own room / man-cave.
“You
bull******* the counselor by never using the talking rules at home. You’re a
liar,” he stated, after I vehemently tried to persuade him to attend an NA
meeting close to home. “We can attend one five minutes away in three hours
instead of going to the one 45 minutes away in 15 minutes,” I rationalized. “I
have plans tonight,” he said. “This sucks. I don’t have money for ice skating -
drop me off to put in job applications – I’m hungry – buy me face wash – go get
dressed to take me to the meeting, and hurry up,” he demanded.
I retreated
to my bedroom again, similar to what I did when he was living at home before. I
did not cry, though. What did I expect? Love stiflingly thick in the air, the
smell of cookies in the oven while Lenny offers to clean up the kitchen after
the dough rose. My happy home is Lenny’s handy home – roof, food,
bathroom, clothes, internet-connected X-box, laptop, Facebook, webcam, cable in
three rooms with a big screen TV. Quite handy for someone who left our home
with nothing, and moved back with expensive tennis shoes and high-end placement
clothes purchased at fashionable Plato’s Closet.
It should
have been my special time of growth while Lenny was gone. I mentally matured,
but I feel that now will be a major time in my life for change. I think
I hit bottom while Lenny was away, chugging my own sorrow until I became
chock-full of emotional up-chuck. I am more confident now, taking charge over
issues with Lenny, and coming into my own.
I promise to
support Lenny physically, spiritually, financially, and emotionally. I will be
at every school meeting to encourage his 12th grade graduation. He
will obtain free rides to meetings from me, three to seven days a week.
Cooking, cleaning, and attempting to converse with a quiet voice will be
a forceful, deliberate part of my day. It ain’t easy. In order to take care of
Lenny, Roxie has to take care of herself. Consequently, I need to engage in the
following activities to stay empowered while Lenny is at home:
1. Attend a Parent Support Group meeting
such as PSST. A treasure trove of knowledge is within each parent that
attends meetings, especially PSST (Parents Survival Skills Training). When
Lenny was in placement, the meetings provided information for me on how to deal
with him being away. Now, my ears are attentive for advice on what to do since
he has returned home. The key is to give and gain support in a group setting
while maintaining your own sanity through talking with others.
2. Find something you love and just do
it! Whether it is
working out at the gym or taking time to read a great novel, find an activity
that makes you feel good about yourself. It will bring out the best in you, and
keep your mind from wandering to negative, unpleasant thoughts of ‘what if’
scenarios. As soon as those thoughts begin, turn the treadmill up to the 20 mph
steep hill climb, or begin to speed read; depending upon the activity. Let your imagination take you to a
happy place.
3. Share your thoughts with a close
friend. The last few years could have made you feel like you have
lost your mind. Don’t fret, you did. Find a friend to confirm that your
feelings are normal. If that person loves you, they will never steer you in the
wrong direction. Do not be embarrassed to seek validation.
4. Determine it is OK to make mistakes. No one is perfect, including my
dysfunctional family as we attempt to change. Make those heart-felt
raising-your-child blunders, admit them privately or within the family, and
move on. Do not wallow in parental guilt.
The above
list sounds so selfish, like a “me, me, me” statement; making myself an idol.
As parents of addicts, we need to become selfish in order to help our children.
If we fall apart, who is going to be there when and if they crumble? We are
saving their lives by taking care of ourselves.
The way I
perceive Lenny conditions my behavior towards him; with the decisions
eventually affecting Lenny. I resolve to build our family’s hopes,
accomplishments, and dreams for his future. I purposely consider him in
recovery, in his right mind, with him choosing the correct path for a worthwhile,
meaningful life.
I have a
strategy to strengthen Lenny outwardly and within. He will accompany me to the
gym so we can both become empowered, purposely fortified, and confident in our
life’s journey together. I will take him to an NA meeting afterward. He may
even be the speaker, based on the assertiveness and courage garnered at the gym
with his mom, Roxie.
“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain
too cheap, we esteem
too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the
man that can
smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow.” ~ Thomas Paine
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