If you don't trust where, with whom, doing what, and at what time can you expect your teenager to come home, then don't let him out. Let him know, "I am not comfortable with you going out- stay home."
This is a safety issue first and foremost. Don't get hung up on whether or not it is punishment- it is- but get over it because the main thing is all about safety. Teens with drug issues need structure. If they are just wandering out there, they will get into trouble.
The biggest reason that parents don't ground their teenagers is because they are afraid that the teenager won't stay home and then it will be obvious that the teen is not under parental control. At that point, the teenager is all ready not under parental control and steps need to be taken to place that teenager under supervision.
Be clear. The best thing is often to give it to the teen in writing. For some teens until they see it in writing they think they can still argue about it or they think it's not really happening. They will persistently nag the parent until they get a response that is vague. Something like, "OK OK OK do what you want! I don't care!" To the parent that might mean, "Go ahead and go out and you take the consequences for that!" But to the teenager that means "Go ahead and go out and there are no consequences."
Picture yourself being stopped by a police officer for speeding. You are not sure if you are getting a warning or a ticket. You only know for sure that you got the ticket when you get the ticket handed to you. Just write your teen a ticket or put it on a blackboard where everyone can see it. Be clear. If your teen goes out anyway, then at least you know where you stand! You have an out-of-control teen.
HOW LONG AM I GROUNDED FOR? Until further notice. A minimum of two days. Until I feel like I can trust you. These are all acceptable. If your teen goes out while he is grounded, go get him if you can and bring him back home with you. Stay tuned for more information on out-of-control teenagers in the upcoming post.
HOW CAN I BUILD TRUST WITH YOU IF YOU WON'T LET ME OUT! Great question. Great answer is this: The way you conduct yourself at home will help me to see if you are being responsible. If you are not responsible at home and if you aren't making good decisions at home then there is no reason to think that you would out there. Acting responsible at home means a lot of things [introduce talking points that you have been wanting to get across, e.g., don't be pushy with the grounding thing- accept it- do your chores- don't have a chip on your shoulder- don't be in touch with unapproved peers while you are grounded- don't be sneaky, etc)
There are a lot of more creative ways to disclipline your teenager and don't fall into the trap that "grounding" is your only method. Get ideas from the teenager about effective discipline if you like and sometimes that works; however, if you don't trust that your teen is going where, with whom, and doing what he is supposed to be doing- then don't let him out. It's a safety issue first and foremost. If your teenager is basically trustworthy, but not doing all his chores then find a more creative sanction or just utilize the "do it now" technique. Reserve grounding for safety issues and for situations where you can't come up with anything more creative.
When you are being told that you have to let your teenagers out so that they can make their own mistakes and learn from these mistakes, ask yourself if learning from a drug overdose, from a crippling automobile accident, or from being arrested is OK. If it's not, then let your teenager learn from being grounded instead.
It helps if you take cell phones when your teen is grounded. Take computer privileges. Don't let friends stop over. Give them an essay to write about responsibility. Make it a home-work intensive grounding and sit with them or right along with them and do that home work. If your teen is attending 12-step meetings don't just let him find his own way there. Take him to the meeting. Wait for him or go into the meeting yourself so that you know for sure that he is there. Remember, that you are placing him on grounding because you don't trust that he is going where, with whom, etc. If you don't have the time to do that then maybe going to the meeting is not the most important thing.
Grounding a teenager is usually labor intensive for the parents. It is inconvenient for the parents. It is sometimes as tortuous for the parent as it is for the teenager. Still, the alternative, letting a teen who has a drug problem range free in the community when you know that he is not going where, with whom, and doing approved activities is a recipe for disaster. That disaster when it comes won't be too convenient either.
You're grounded until further notice!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Summary of Saturday, August 14th PSST Meeting
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Val, Lloyd and Kathie led the meeting. We had 8 parents and a parent's friend representing 6 families. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some returning parents.
Each of us had an opportunity to talk over our own situation and issues.
We discussed using the power words: "I am not comfortable with that" and many had examples of how those words are effective. We talked about a teen who will be home soon from placement and will be asked to follow a contract. We had parents whose teen does not want to return home from vacation to face probation. We touched on ways to extend a teens probation. We had another parent who was excited about her first visit to see her daughter who is in placement. We talked about honesty and trust and about relapsing and how to keep a teen busy and out of trouble while parents are at work.
After a break we had two role plays.
The first was on honesty and how the real consequence of lying is that the liar is not trusted.
The second role play was of a mom driving her son and some friends home and smelling alcohol. The challenge was to let the teen know that the parent was aware that someone in the car smelled of alcohol without accusing the teen.
Years ago, Rocco and I attended an elementary school meeting on self esteem and were told: “Your child has a big advantage in their life because you cared enough to attend this meeting.”
Although your son or daughter may be in a “bad place” right now they have a “big advantage” in their life because you cared enough to attend a PSST meeting.
More than likely your teenager will not grasp the “big advantage” concept. In all probability they will resent that you go to “those meetings where you are misled by that crazy dude.” Or as our kids at Gateway Family Night put it so well "You guys belong to that PSST Cult!"
NEVERTHELESS they are in a better place because you do care enough to try to save ypur child's life.
Remember our two favorite words NEVERTHELESS and REGARDLESS. Try to get BUT totally out of your vocabulary. Or as one of my favorite people loves to always remind me “Everything you say after the word BUT is BS.”
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents at the next PSST Meeting ~ Saturday, August 21 ~ at the at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (There is free parking in the back lot).
Free Class Sponsored by The National Alliance of Mental Illness
Posted by:Sally--Monday, August 16, 2010
Do you have a friend or family member who has a mental illness?
Do you want to learn about mental illness
and ways to help someone you love who has a mental illness?
The NAMI Family-to-Family Education Course may be for you.
It is starting in Washington PA on September 20th. Click "read more" below for more information on this local class.
Taught by a team of trained family members, the course offers information on Bipolar Disorder, Major Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder, Panic Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Co-occurring Brain Disorder and Addiction. This series of 12 weekly classes is structured to help family members and friends understand and support the ill individual while maintaining their own well-being.
There is no cost to participate in the NAMI Family-to-Family Education Program.
Classes Start: Monday, September 20th, 2010
7:00PM – 9:30PM
at
AMI, Inc.
907 Jefferson Avenue
Washington, PA 15301
Please call for more information. Pre-registration is required.
Co-Teachers: Leslie Gill (724-746-2152)
Teresa Gleason (724-225-1607)
The PSST website somtimes acts as an information clearinghouse and may list on the website various third party services with information concerning, or links to, these third party service providers. However, PSST is not responsible for the content of any link to or from this site. We do not endorse the policies or practices of, or opinions expressed on other websites linked to or from this site; nor do we make any representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or any items or claims contained in such other websites. Any links are provided for you only as a convenience, and the inclusion of any link does not imply endorsement by us of the goods, services, the site, its contents or its sponsoring organization.
Read More......
Using Words That Matter
Posted by:Sally--Monday, August 16, 2010
I said "I am not comfortable with that'.
He said "Why? I am only going to check my email."
I repeated my sentence only two more times in a low, calm voice and he said
"all right" without any resentment.
It is very COOL how that works!
I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT are powerful words.
Agreements- the power of 3X + OR "You Really Need To Start Trusting Me Mom!"
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, August 16, 2010
This came up at our recent meeting in Wexford. When you agree with your teenager, you have more power if you think in terms of 3 or more quick agreements. For example:
Teen: Mom, you're really crowding me- back off! You're checking my breath, looking in my eyes, calling my friends parents!
Mom: You are so right. I'm all over you like white on rice (or flies on poop seemed to work great in group too :-) [1x]
Teen: Well, stop it! I'm doing good. Why can't you just trust me? You need to start trusting me Mom!
Mom: I struggle. [moving in closer- good eye contact] You've done some good things since you got out of rehab three weeks ago! For the life of me, I Can't Seem To Stop worrying about you. I mean you're right, I'm Not Comfortable with The Trust Thing Yet! [2x]
Teen: Well you better back off, cause when you're like that it makes me want to use!
Mom: You're right. Pressure DOES make people feel like using. I mean you prepare, prepare, and prepare in the rehab, but when you come out and you feel the pressure of real life, you can find that your whole recovery is right on the line. I appreciate you sharing that with me- that even after all that rehab stuff, you are sometimes this close [hand gesture] to picking up. [3x]
Teen: I think it's just going to take a little more time for you to trust me.
Mom: You know, I think so too. Down the road, we can look forward to that. In the meantime what can I do to help you feel not so pressured? [4x- if you hang in there sometimes the third of fourth agreement feels nicer.]
Teen: You just keep asking me the same questions that I've already answered. As though you think I'm lying and each time you ask me- you think I'm going to give you a different answer.
Mom: That sounds annoying. So, I'm way to obvious huh? [5x]
Teen: I guess you could say that.
Mom: OK, so I'll try to not be so obvious. Could you help me on this one??
Teen: How?
Mom: First of all, could you point it out to me when I do it? Just make a sign so I know you feel that you've already answered me.
Teen: Like what?
Mom: Like a traffic stop or a "cut it off" thing with your hand, you know. That will help me be more aware of when I am being repetitious and if I think I haven't covered that before, then I'll just ask you to tell me what I'm telling you, so that I can hear that we've covered that already- OK? That way you can show me that you already heard me so I can move on- OK?
Teen: Sure. [Teen does not sound convinced, but teen sounds curious to see if this would work.]
Mom: And one other thing too. You know how in your contract, it says not hanging with friends that you used to use with? Well, I think John, while he might be doing much better than he used to do- is one of those people that you used to use with and I'm feeling afraid that you are putting him back on your "OK to associate with" list. That would help me too, if you could clean up that part of your contract, can you do that?
Teen: I don't know. He is doing better. He hangs with Suzie and so do I.
Mom: This whole Not Associate with Old Peers things sounds complicated. [6x]
Teen: It is!
Mom: Well, you helped me see something today. [Let's give the teenager the credit for the take-back-control thing we are about to do!]
Teen: What!
Mom: Instead of the barrage of questions that I'm firing at you every day, I need to stop some of that, and just be more clear with you about some things. I am not comfortable with John being on your contact list. I need you to fix that. I'm going to start holding you accountable if you don't fix it. We'll start with the cell phone and go from there, but you are completely right that you don't need this big inquisition all the time. Oh sure, I'm still going to be all over you like a cheap suit when it comes to knowing where, with whom, and what you are doing, but lets deal with this John thing head on. Any questions about that?
[This was done in the form of "we agree that I'm going overboard." We agreed with this position earlier and now we are reiterating it and using it to lead to our firm take-back-control stance.]
Teen: No!!!! It's not fair!
Mom: No, I'm sure it's not looking to fair right now! I'm not trying to be fair honey- you're right about that. [7x]
Teen: Why are you so unfair?
Mom: I'm trying to keep you safe- fair is a luxury I don't have- but then, you know that, don't you?
Teen: I just hope someday someone tells you that you can't hang around your friends and see how you feel!
Mom: I don't know how that feels. [8x]
Teen: You're right! You don't.
Mom: I'm sure it sucks. Anything else right now?
Teen: No! [Slams the magazine down and storms off.]
How do we know the teen heard this Mom? When she slams down the magazine, we know she heard right about John. But we thought if we did all this agreeing, things would go well? Hopefully, it will go well, but do not be mislead by the end of the interview.
In other words, did this go badly because it seemed to end on such a negative note? No. We are more concerned that the Teen follows through on changing that John thing. Also, we want to give our teen the selective power of helping us change our broken record thing. Sometimes we do sound like broken records- that's not helping either- so the Teen and the Parent both get something out of this one, although from the Teen perspective, the parent gets more.
We hope through this method to improve the way we dialogue with our teenager. If we are doing our job, we will still make them angry sometimes; however, the anger and resentment should pass more quickly because of our positive dialogue.
Cartoon taken from here Communication Skills by Rod Windle and Suzanne Warren. There are a lot of good tips here about how to improve your communication skills, especially listening skills.
Living with Beaver: The Beginning Parts 1-3 by June Cleaver; A PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Having been born in the 50's, a show I enjoyed was Leave It to Beaver. For those of you who haven't heard or viewed the show, it was about June and Ward Cleaver and their two sons Wally and Beaver. Those two young scamps got into so much trouble!! Once, Beaver actually tried to cut his own hair. Oh, my! was he in trouble 'when his father came home'.
Ward Cleaver often wore a suit while lounging around the house waiting for supper, and reading a newspaper. June Cleaver wore a dress, pearls, and high heels everyday around the house, doing housework and cooking. Going out to shop required that a hat and gloves be added to her ensemble.
Let's fast forward to 2010 and I will now assume the role of June. Ward is such an old-fashioned name that it just won't suffice; I will call my ex-husband Dick. That's a nice wholesome name, (for someone that isn't so wholesome). Our family doesn't have a 'Wally', but I do indeed have a 'Beaver' that gets into some incredible predicaments. Beaver also has a drug addiction and multiple mental illnesses.
I am going to share with you our life from my perspective.
We are a single parent family that does not have a positive support team from Dick, the father figure. June is disabled with multiple diagnoses, and suffers from frequent pancreatic attacks. The monthly income comes from Social Security disability, a small part time job, and child support. Now that Beaver is in a rehabilitation facility, Dick took June back to court to have the child support discontinued until little Beaver comes home. The judge is making Dick pay $100 in arrears a month to June, which amounts to $46.03 every two weeks. Yippee, June can buy gas to visit Beaver!
The maternal extended family is spread out, and no one remains in the immediate area. The paternal extended family is in the Penn Hills area. Any support comes from the maternal family via phone calls, and they are mainly from Beaver's Uncle Fred who lives in Johnstown. The rest of the family is 'turned off' because they have to admit someone in their immediate family has not only a drug addiction but also a mental illness.
Please note: Mental Illness does NOT = mental retardation!! Beaver is quite smart, and has definite plans for his future.
Stay tuned for the next post............"Living with Beaver: The Beginning Part 2
Living with Beaver: The Beginning Part 2 by June Cleaver; A PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I am going to share a little bit about Dick, so you'll get an idea of what Beaver and June had to endure.
Dick is a functioning alcoholic that - just for fun - smokes a little weed too. What June and Beaver heard everyday when Dick got home from work was footsteps coming up the stairs, the refrigerator door opening, and the sound of a pop top being cracked open. The funny thing about this--Dick never missed work because of his drinking. This was one positive thing I could say about Dick....
Growing up, Beaver would make Dick angry doing what little boys do best; breaking something and trying to hide the evidence, talking back, etc. These types of behaviors would enrage Dick, probably because he was drinking. There were times when June would leave the house with Beaver, promising herself she'd never come back after one of these confrontations. Realizing the lack of available finances and somewhere to actually go, (and the big one "FEAR"), would always bring them back home.
One very dark, stormy [thunder and lightening] kind of night had Beaver scrambling up the big oak tree in the front yard in his bare feet. Beaver would not come down because of fear of his father going to beat him. June went out into the yard and told Beaver that when the garage door went up, and she pulled her car out, to run down and get in. That night we temporarily went to a friend's home, but Dick tracked us down. For fear that he would come to the friend's home, we again came back home. The reason poor Beaver was so afraid? Beaver was continually curious about a ‘clicking’ sound his father would make when he was outside and was always on the lookout for what this might be. Well, little Beaver got lucky! Beaver found a lighter and a marijuana pipe Dick had been using. Beaver grabbed it off the wall outside and came running up the steps with it. “Here, hide this! I finally found what Dad (Dick) was doing, and he’s going to be coming after me!” Beaver yelled. June was lying on the couch with an afghan over her legs, and caught the paraphernalia as Beaver ran past and into his room. Sure enough, Dick was right behind him. Dick burst into little Beaver’s room, and instead of being embarrassed that Beaver had discovered he was a marijuana smoker, Dick began yelling at Beaver! “How dare you go into my private stuff? How dare you take something that isn’t yours?” yelled Dick. And thus Beaver became afraid.
Poor Beaver had to endure many episodes like the one June just told, just different scenarios. Beatings with a push broom, horribly sarcastic gut-wrenching comments about Beaver's personality, appearance, etc. When Beaver was grade school age, whenever June would reprimand him regarding his lack of attention to homework or some other non-school issue, Dick would appear and seem to gather strength from what June was saying and give it back to Beaver ten-fold. It got so that June would not say anything of a reprimanding nature in front of Dick so Beaver wouldn't get an unreasonable punishment. June would sometimes have to whisper things to Beaver, so Dick wouldn't hear. Sometimes reprimands need to be made immediately. Remember-we've fast-forwarded from the 50's and 'waiting until your dad gets home'.
Next post............Living with Beaver: On Our Own
Living with Beaver: On Our Own by June Cleaver; A PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Beaver saw Dick punch June in the back. June was actually on the phone with Dick's mother once when this occurred. This too happened the week that Dick was on vacation.
The sadness in all this: Beaver has blocked all this from his mind. The therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists say he does not remember any of these things happening. Is this a blessing?
Terrific summer weather and Dick was on vacation all week. June was in bed reading a book, and Beaver was in his room watching television. Dick came into the room, climbed onto the bed, and began making his sarcastic, degrading comments to June. "You're so fat, who would want you? Why do you read books, think they'll make you smart?" June had enough, and whacked Dick on the arm with her paperback. Boy, did Dick get mad! Dick grabbed June by the arm and yanked her out of bed. June's arm really hurt! Beaver came out of his room to see what was going on, but closed the door when he heard Dick yelling. June went into the living room to sit on the couch, and Dick followed along yelling all the while. Dick stood in front of June yelling about who knows what, and June calmly got up and went over beside Dick and got the phone. June sat back on the couch, with the phone placed beside her face up. Dick continued to rant. June turned the phone on, dialed "9", dialed "1", then dialed "1". June realized that this worked on television, but stranger things have happened. Lo and behold, it worked! The 911 dispatch heard a disturbance and sent the police. June answered the door crying and saying she had made a mistake. The police officers convinced June that the right thing was done, and succeeded in getting June and Beaver to pack bags for themselves and to leave the house until Dick was out.
Beaver and June's story is a little lengthier, but I think you get the idea. It turns out that Dick had torn a ligament in June's arm, and she needed to have surgery. It also turns out that blood is thicker than water. Even though Dick's mother had actually heard June being punched on a few occasions, she still felt it necessary to threaten June's life, as did Dick's evil sisters. Multiple death threats do not make a comfortable home life, but June tried to make things as even keel as possible. June got a P.F.A. against Dick, and subsequently had it extended, after she received a letter in the mail from Dick where he requested that June get the shotguns back that the police had removed from the house, assuring her that "I promise I won't shoot you".
Beaver and June began to build their life together. Beaver was 11, almost 12 years old when this occurred. At first all was good; they got involved with church and their youth activities, scouting was continued, and Beaver began to grow up.
Then Dick and his horrible sociopathic [my opinion only] behavior worsened.
Living with Beaver: The Beginning of the Downslide
In retrospect, Beaver had begun to show signs of mental illness around second grade. June felt that Beaver was just trying to get out of doing his work, whether it is school or something around the home. June feels very ashamed that she was not more alert to thinking ‘outside the box’. After all, aren’t all our children born perfect?
The teachers certainly never brought anything to June’s attention, even though June called for quite a few meetings to try to solve the ‘problem’. June was very active in Beaver’s school, and outside school activities. June felt it was important to assist in providing the very best experiences as possible for little Beaver and all his buddies. June was PTO vice-president, Cubmaster and Den Leader for Beaver and 50 other little boys, and room mother for all grades up through middle school. The fourth grade teacher’s only help was saying that “she is never wrong, and all children hit the fourth grade brick wall”. May I add that she once taught something incorrectly in science, and Beaver answered the question correctly on the test? June called and questioned why it was marked wrong, and showed Miss Twit that Beaver had answered it correctly. The response June received was “that is not how I taught it therefore he answered it wrong”. Isn’t that great that we have teachers that are so sure about their subject matter?
If only someone had stopped, and evaluated little Beaver. He had begun showing signs of ADD and OCD but no one noticed. Beaver’s schoolwork and grades started to go downhill.
In middle school, June’s involvement was becoming limited due to medical reasons. Nonetheless, June’s presence was known and acknowledged by many of the school children, and her finger was still into the ‘behind the scenes’ of the daily grind of the school.
When Beaver was in fifth grade the principal called and requested a meeting with her, June, the school social worker, and Beaver’s teachers. June was not anxious at all to attend this meeting because she knew almost everyone in attendance. The bell began to toll as one-by-one the teacher’s all showed June how “stupid” little Beaver was…including the principal. “He has begun to be a discipline problem because he is never on task, he never has his assignments completed [although I made sure everything was completed the night before], he never has his supplies, etc.” were some of the comments. By the end of the meeting June was in tears. June finally spoke up, “do any of you know how hard it is to sit here and listen to each one of you say extremely negative things about your son?” They were a bit taken back, and apologized for coming across that way.
It turns out that Beaver had begun to be embarrassed to have ANY type of attention drawn to him. That included walking up to the front of the class and turning in homework assignments, raising his hand in class, being the last to leave the classroom, or being called on, or-worse yet, teased about something by the teacher. Beaver was happier to just stuff all papers into his folder without any rhyme or reason to them, and not turn in homework, than stand out in any way.
Unbeknownst to June, although everyone else was not listening – the social worker, Miss Dove, was. Miss Dove called June to suggest some things that might be tried to see if they would help Beaver. June was so grateful for someone to offer help instead of just stating a problem and telling her to fix it.
Beaver’s circle of friends expanded very little throughout fifth and sixth grade. The ‘new’ friends all tested Beaver in some way. Beaver was so excited to have a new friend that he was very willing to do whatever was asked of him. Consequences of actions were not words in Beaver’s book. As a result, Beaver had some unsettling experiences in what June thought were ‘safe’ activities, such as boy scouts.
Beaver experienced what many do in our animal kingdom; the weakest are often the prey.
The saddest of all – Dick did not attend any of Beaver’s school functions or out of school activities. When June retired from scouts [7 or 8 years later] she was approached by scout parents who said, “I didn’t know there was a father for Beaver!” The only thing Dick did attend was T-ball, which Beaver hated because the kids teased him for his lack of running ability. And boy, Dick wasn’t very proud of Beaver at all for that.
Next post: Living with Beaver: The Downslide Continues
Summary - PSST Meeting Saturday August 7, 2010
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, August 09, 2010
It was a perfectly beautiful August morning outside on Saturday. Inside the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg there was a lot of action taking place at the PSST Meeting where parents were recovering and healing from the distress and difficulties caused by their teen’s addictions. 
The meeting was lead by Intensive Aftercare Probation Officer - Lloyd W. and Family Therapist - Kathie T. from Wesley Spectrum Services. Speaking for all of the parents who attend these meetings we would like to sincerely thank Val, Lloyd, Kathie and Cathy for giving up their Saturday mornings each month to support and coach us, with their wisdom, understanding and some much appreciated humor.
The meeting was well attended by nine parents, who will remain anonymous: alias' Max and Mel, Candy, Daisy, Lily, Rocco and Sally and two new parents who we will call Rose and Violet.
As usual each of us had an opportunity to talk over our own circumstances and issues. We discussed how parents can continue to take back, and keep, the power over teens that are currently in inpatient treatment facilities, teens that are at home and teens that want to come home.
As noted in Lloyd’s previous post (Court Room Role-Play Drama) we did a role play concerning Candy’s daughter Torrie.
Torrie has a court appearance this week. She has relapsed and has been progressing in her drug addiction since May, so this appearance serves as an important window of opportunity for her parents to intervene and save their daughter’s life.
We set up our “Virtual Courtroom” with Judge Kathy, D.A. Lloyd, Public Defender Mel, P.O. Max, Parents Sally and Rocco, and Candy as her daughter Torrie. We went over the various procedures and situations that they may face in the court room, what to expect and how to address their concerns for their daughter. 
One very important side note that Lloyd emphasized was that IF you as a parent feel that you are being passed over during the hearing that you should politely raise your hand, give it a slight wave to gain attention, and make sure that the Judge allows you to speak. This is typically not required since most of the time the Judge will regard the parent’s input as essential.
Lloyd indicated that the hand raising technique should probably only occur one time, if needed. You are not supposed to annoy the court by raising your hand over and over, bounce in your seat or repeat “Ooh-ooh!” to get the Judge’s attention.
On the serious side there are times that in order to get your child the treatment they need; you will have to stand up in court and argue to get them into inpatient treatment or on probation. You will have to do this against your child’s wishes and the PD’s arguments and sometimes against the Judge’s/Hearing Officer’s intentions. Sally and I have done this and we will tell you it was not easy but we both knew that it was absolutely necessary.
We still had some time after our coffee break to go around the room for final comments and concerns. This led to another short role play concerning a teen that is currently in an inpatient facility. On his last home pass visit he broke the rules and now his mom is not comfortable with him coming home for good. He however is intent on coming straight home and will not consider any alternatives. His mom was wondering how she can make her plans clear to him and take back the power.
The emphasis of the role play was to make it crystal clear to the teen that he was not going to come directly home. He must choose to go to a halfway house or ¾ House prior to coming home.
The first PSST key in the role play was for the parent let their teen know “I am going to tell you something that will probably disappoint you. So you have my permission to get up and leave when you get upset.” This tends to persuade your usually oppositional defiant teen stay put.
The next PSST key in the role play was for the parent to use “I am not comfortable with that”. Practice this phrase to use whenever your teen tells you how things should be or what their plan is. No other reason or explanation is required by a parent. The teen cannot argue with how comfortable you are. Repeat as necessary.
The final PSST Key is to find something in what your teen is saying to AGREE with. Follow this with “never the less” or “regardless”.
If they tell you “It really stinks that I am in here!” AGREE with them. “Yes honey, it really does stink. It really stinks that you got into this mess “never the less” we will work together to do what is best for you.”
Even if they challenge you with “You don’t care about me, you wish I would die!” You can AGREE with them. “You know you really make a good point Honey. We are really afraid that if you keep doing what you are doing you will die. We know that you don't understand why we are keeping you in treatment but "never-the-less" we will do everything we can to keep you alive.”
Thanks to all who attended this meeting especially our two new parents. If you looked around the room I am sure you saw a lot of us nodding in agreement and understanding of where you are coming from. We are always looking for more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to empower the PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help their teenager to save their life.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday August 14 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
Court room role-play drama scheduled for Aug 7th.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, August 04, 2010
A PSST parent, we call her Candy, is asking for help. Her daughter Torrie has to be in Court next week. Her daughter is progessing in her drug addicition and this is an important window for the the parents to intervene. We want to help Candy and her husband be ready. So on Saturday, after very brief introductions, we will move furniture, choose roles and we will be off to the races! I also will post some rules about role-plays for those of you who may not have been to one of our meetings.
Court room role-plays have been one of our most popular learning tools. Traditionally, we choose someone to play the Judge who is trying to be lenient with the teenager. Next, we get a parent to play one of those Public Defenders who want to win no matter what that means for the teen and the family. Of course, Judges and even Public Defenders are people and you can't paint them all with the same brush. I've seen a tough aggressive PD suddenly change completely on a different case where he was clearly worried about his client and her drug problem.
Still, when we do the role-play, we try to provide the most challenging situation for a parent. What if you only got The Court to act in your teenager's behalf because you stood up in Court and demanded and pleaded for inpatient drug treatment or for probation? What if no one was going to try to save your teenager unless you led the way? Pretty scary. It can happen. Usually it doesn't happen- but I've seen it happen. Why not be prepared?
I have posted the details of the petition minus the identifing information below.
I think we will have time to share more after the role-play among ourselves.
Ms. [Intake Officer]
We are writing for concern of our daughter, Torrie. We decided to file the drug possession charges against her to help save her life. In the last year, Torrie's drug addiction has spiraled out of control despite being to inpatient rehab twice in the last eleven months and attending Gateway intensive outpatient rehab until May of this year. Her aggressive and self destructive behavior is now at an all time high. She has progressed to harder more dangerous substances and has removed herself from her family and anyone who cares about her. Her hearing is scheduled for next [near future]. We are truly hoping the Judge will order her for evaluation and drug rehabilitation to save her.
(Torries parents)
Rules:
1. No one is forced to participate in a role-play. I'm the only I know of that has tried to break this rule. Don't let me do it. Sometimes people get more out of watching the role-play, and we have always had plenty of volunteers.
2. Anyone can call Time Out at any time including the watchers. We use the universal "T" signal and say "Time Out." Then, we entertain questions, ideas, or offers to switch chairs with someone.
3. We can switch seats when it seems like a good idea. It's a chance to let other get involved and see what their ideas can do.
According to the information and belief of [Candy and her husband, PRIVATE COMPLAINT], on or between the dates of 3/1/2110 and 4/13/2010 in Allegheny County, said Juvenile did commit the following acts(s):
35780-113A16 M PROHIBITED ACTS - POSSESSION (1 count)
POSSESSION OF CONTROLLED SUBSTANCE
The actor knowingly or intentionally possessed a controlled or counterfeit substance, namely,unknown prescription pills the said actor not then and there being registered under the Controlled Substance, Drug, Device and Cosmetic Act, Act of April 14, 1972, or a practitioner registered or licensed by the appropriate State Board, in violation of 35 P.S.
Said child was in possession of unknown prescription pills.
35780-113A31 M PROHIBITED ACTS (1 count)
SMALL AMOUNT - MARIJUANA OR HASHISH
The actor possessed for personal use thirty or fewer grams of marijuana or eight or fewer grams of hashish, a small amount, in violation of 35 P.S. §780-113 (a) (31).
SMALL AMOUNT - MARIJUANA OR HASHISH
Said child was in possession of suspected marijuana.
Turn Wishes to Actions to Reality
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Wishes can be your best avenue of getting what you want when you turn wishes into action. Action moves your wish from thought to reality.
If you look down the right-hand side of the home page you will see a section titled “Recommended Posts”. These highlight some of the best of the postings since 2001. There is a remarkable collection of wisdom and insight by parents and professionals to be found there.
The one that caught my eye was titled “Wishes.” As you will see it was a collection of parent’s thoughts collected at a Bridge to Hope meeting and posted by Ken Sutton in January 2007.
Both Parents Survival Skills Training and Bridge to Hope are organizations dedicated to the sharing of ideas and experiences of parents with other parents to provide support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager save his own life.
PSST is here to help parents turn their Wishes to Actions to Reality.
Wishes - posted January 2007
This was written in concert by the parents at the Bridge to Hope Meeting.
At the Bridge to Hope meeting there is a tremendous amount of real world experience dealing with the impact of the disease of addiction on our families. These are wishes that we have shared when looking back on this ordeal. These wishes are voiced about our children but apply equally to brother, sister or other loved ones. Our wish for you is that the sharing of what we have learned will be helpful.
I wish…
...I had known I wasn’t alone through all of this and that there was a good support system out there. When I reached out and had a chance to talk with others I realized I wasn’t going crazy.
...I had understood that taking care of myself was just as important as helping my addicted child recover. I had to get better so the cycle of enabling could be broken.
…I had understood that addiction could occur in any family. It is not just something that happens in dysfunctional families. Being a role model or even a great parent role model is not enough to stop the disease of addiction.
...I had known the huge impact this disease would have on my entire family; and I had taken steps to make sure everyone got the help they needed earlier rather than later.
...I had understood how very important it is to have everyone who is supporting a child’s recovery (all parents, family members, church, school and others) on the same page.
...I had understood that there is a strong spiritual component to recovery from this disease; that church can be a significant resource for my child and my family. Churches have experience dealing with other addicts in the congregation and they can help us understand that recovery comes from faith in a Higher Power.
…I had been able to “let go and let God” sooner. Recovering from the impact of addiction in the family is a process that takes time and is different for each person.
...I had known and really understood what terrible lengths my child would go to (lying, stealing, running away and much worse) to obtain drugs. Valuables needed to be removed from my child’s grasp before the family heirlooms ended up in the pawnshop never to be seen again.
...I had understood the difference between encouraging and enabling. Enabling resulted in spending upwards of $10,000 on heroin over the years.
...I had known I was enabling my child to use drugs when I lied for him and protected him from consequences. Addiction is a situation of opposites where your heart will rule your decisions instead of your brain. You are not helping your child by protecting him from the consequences of his actions no matter what your heart tells you.
... I wish I had known that someday I would feel good about my child being in jail because he is safe and not using drugs.
...I had listened to that little whisper from my heart that told me my child was using drugs.
...I had paid attention to the warning signs: dropping grades, withdrawal from sports and school activities, disappearance of old friends (the “good kids”), new friends who had first names but no faces or last names, increased secret phone activity, sneaking out …etc.
…I hadn’t convinced myself that this was “just a phase” or adolescent “rite of passage.” That I knew how to distinguish between normal teenage behavior and drug related behavior.
…I had known more about the drug situation in my community and school. As parents, we are ignorant of the drug problem with a capital “I”. We have to educate ourselves about street drugs, their potency and symptoms of use, as well as the potential for abuse of prescription or other medicine that we may have in the house.
...I had listened to the clues I was given by teachers and the school principal. I think many people knew or suspected about my child’s drug use before it was acknowledged at home.
…I had understood that drugs are literally everywhere including churches, schools, recovery meetings, rehabilitation centers and places of employment.
…I had known that even when I tried to make my child safe by “grounding” them, that drugs could easily be “delivered” to the house.
...I had understood that no matter how much I loved my child, how much I cried, how much I hurt, how much I bribed, how much I punished, I couldn’t make my child stop using drugs.
…I had known that treatment was not a one-shot deal and not a cure.
... I understood what a really long process recovery from addiction is (years not months) and that after abstaining from drug use it takes them a long time to catch up with their peers intellectually and socially even though they want so much to be normal.
…I had been aware that all recovery meetings are not the same and I had to shop around to find the right program for my child.
...I had never given up on my child. Recovery takes time. “Just for today” are watchwords. What a difference two years makes! There isn’t any good reason to give up hope.
...I had challenged the educational professionals at school more. There is a truant officer at some schools to support efforts to keep your child in school but you have to ask. There are alternative education programs at some schools but you have to ask.
...I had questioned the doctors and the experts more. Addiction can masquerade as depression. I think the age of the child is an issue in treatment. Techniques that work well with a 23-year old may not be appropriate for a 13-year old.
…I had known about Act 53, a government funded program to involuntarily court order a child into treatment without a criminal record.
…I had known that drug tests could be manipulated.
Posted by: Ken Sutton January 2007
If you need help turning your Wishes to Actions to Reality please feel free to attend one of the meetings listed below. There is no charge or commitment.
PSST has meetings on the first three Saturdays of the month from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.
First Saturday of the month:
Eastern Probation Office - located at 907 West St., Wilkinsburg, PA 15221
Second Saturday of the month:
Trinity Lutheran Church - located at 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
Third Saturday of the month:
Outreach Teen and Family Services - located at 666 Washington Rd., Mt Lebanon, PA 15228
Directions to each site are provided on the left-hand side of the home page.
PSST’s goal is to empower the parents of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager save his own life. These teens are facing alcoholism, addiction, probation, and out-of-home Court placement. There is no charge or commitment. 
Bridge to Hope has meetings every Wednesday at 7:00 p.m. at UPMC Passavant Hospital (Donor Conference Hall) 9100 Babcock Blvd., McCandless, PA 15237 and every Thursday ay at 7:00 p.m. at The Garden Montessori School, 204 Commerce Park Drive, Cranberry Twp., PA 16006 and are open to all.
For more information and help go to: http://bridge2hope.org/
Bridge to Hope Events and weekly meetings support families confronted with substance abuse and addiction. They are free and open to the public. We welcome your participation.
HOME VISIT FOR NEWBIES and HEATHER HAS NO CLOTHES........................Story by Ralph Kramden ( A PSST Parent)
Posted by:Sally--Friday, July 30, 2010
Ed was home for just over four days on a long weekend. On the first day home, Ed's great PO (juvenile probation officer) stopped over shortly after he arrived home. The PO gave him the rough marching orders for the weekend visit. We were armed with a new draft, post-placement contract that we learned to write at PSST. (We couldn't make it through this without PSST!) So, when Ralph got home, we gave Ed the contract. He wasn't happy, but Ed knew that we had some power back, and the old crap wasn't going to cut it anymore. We told him that this was practice for the contract, and as much as made sense, the contract was in-force now. As far as we can tell, there were zero contract violations! Ed tried to test the rules just once, and resurrected some sneaky activity at the end of the weekend -- more on that later. We consider the home visit a success, and await the placement and PO input as well.
How did we have a success? Well, Ed is very motivated to do well right now to regain his freedom. Also, luckily the PO and we introduced the rules-to-live-by (for us, the contract) up front -- defining expectations. Next, we made it easy to have a success -- staying away from people, places, and things that are tempting for Ed. This was easier for us than others possibly, because we could get Ed out of "Weedville", and exposed only to family. While not reality, a low-temptation environment kept Ed cool and even-keeled. Finally, we kept Ed busy -- very busy. Washing cars, painting, staining, plastering, sports, movies, games, video games, family visits, dinners, camp fires, cleaning, mowing, just about anything we could think of was tasked to our hard-working Ed. A little planning to make a BIG list ahead was all we needed, and there is always more work than time. Unlike some teens, Ed is very industrious when not a sloth because of drugs. So, we gave Ed what he likes -- things to do. Maybe this won't work for a lazy teen -- Ed's brother, Norton, couldn't do this -- but filling that teen's time up with activities, especially healthy ones that he likes, might be a good approach for the first home visit. Again, filling your teen's calendar won't be practical for post-placement reality, but it shows him that a drug-free life is possible while at home, even if just for four days. And if it works for four days, just keep that going!
Ed, like most teenagers, is smart at manipulating. Ed’s favorite way to manipulate is by being sneaky about activity that he doesn’t want us to know about, and then often lying about it. We’re not waiting for the lie this time, but the “sneaky” came during the last day of the visit. It seems Norton didn’t secure his computer, and Ed figured this out. Well, what difference does that make, you ask, if Ed didn’t violate his contract or contact his old friends on Norton’s computer? Let us tell you: Norton is an adult and doesn’t have adult-only restrictions on the web sites he can visit. And there are so, so, so many web sites these days that would more than fulfill the dreams of young men like Norton or Ed. In fact, that entertainment doesn’t leave anything for ones dreams, if you know what we mean.
So, after Ed went back to placement, Ralph checked Norton’s computer for activity, in case Ed had decided to contact old friends there. Well, that’s when he “met” Heather. Not an old friend, but a new 2D “friend”. And she didn’t have any clothes on, either. After a cursory look at the activity, Ralph got Alice to come to Norton’s room – not going down the Heather highway by him self, so to speak. This, Ralph has learned, will keep him out of the dog house. Then we painstakingly clicked on each web site that Ed thought was important to visit while he had snuck away from Alice, pretending to do some work for her. She loved this, by the way – Ed doing more work, not watching Heather. And there was Heather, in full action, sans clothing. And she had friends. Honestly, Ralph doesn’t remember Heather’s friends’ names or faces. Ed probably doesn’t remember them, either. Alice is trying to forget them. But now, we have a dilemma. Do we give Ed kudos for good behavior -- he didn’t violate his contract after all, and could have easily used Norton’s computer for forbidden behavior. Or, do we kick his butt up and down the street for manipulating Alice? Does Ed deserve some privacy, if he stays away from the really forbidden activities? Or do we come down hard on Ed for continuing sneaky activity, just like he did when he was doing drugs or committing crimes? Maybe we can call Heather, and see if she has any ideas. She has “live chat” available. You can comment back on this blog, and let us know what you think we should do. Or come to a PSST meeting.
We still have a long road ahead with Ed, but the First Home Visit is in the bag, and we're ready for a Narcotics Anonymous pass, or whatever helps Ed into his next step of recovery.
An Interesting Trip to the Cell Phone Store
Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, July 28, 2010
When Cathy and I were working on Cisco's Home Contract we covered so many situations carefully but were pressed for time and did not clearly decide how to handle the use of a cell phone. As a result, Cisco took it upon himself to reconnect his old cell phone by borrowing money off of a friend and paying for the service 'as you go'. After a discussion with Cisco's P.O. we decided to let Cisco keep the phone provided of course, that he hands me the phone at 11 o'clock each night. As you read in the previous post; we also used the phone as leverage when Cisco did something wrong, this was an easy and effective consequence. Even though he pays for the cell phone, I have the right to confiscate it if he is not living up to par. We took a trip to the cell phone store to purchase a cell phone service contract. You see, I had Cisco 'do the math' and he realized that if he continues borrowing from friends and scrounging up every penny of his hard earned money to pay for the cell 'as you go'; he would be spending at least $120.00 a month to keep in contact with his peers. Cisco was completely in charge and knew exactly what he wanted at the cell phone store. I was merely the driver and Cisco did not need any advice on how to secure a service contract. Oh! What a rude awakening it was. Cisco browsed the store while he waited for service. He was very happy to inform me that he had fifty dollars from his grocery store job and that he could purchase a new phone for only $19.99 and a two year contract. I tried to interject what a 'two year contract' entails but Cisco was too interested in playing with the soon- to- be purchased new cell phone. The service clerk was ready to help Cisco now. Cisco explained to David, the service clerk that he would like to purchase the $19.99 phone with the two year contract. Cisco did not hear David say that the phone was $69.99 upfront and then he would receive a $50.00 rebate in the mail. After David repeated this twice, I translated for Cisco and explained to him that he did not have the resources to buy the phone.
David told Cisco that he could come in at anytime with seventy dollars and buy a new phone and even receive a penny back in change. So Cisco decided he would save up the dollars and was now interested in the service contract on his old phone. The best deal was to get the two-year contract for $59.99 which included unlimited texting. Cisco was now more interested in hearing about what a two year contract means. I offered to lend him the ten additional dollars which he needed to get his service contract and be on his merry way.
Oh! No! There was one more hitch. Cisco needed to either have a co-signer on the service contract or David would have to run a credit check. Depending on Cisco's credit there would either be a zero, $120.00 or $400.00 deposit that the store would have to keep for one year at 3% interest. David asked me if I wanted to cosign and I said no. Cisco gave the clerk some identification to run a credit check. Cisco has to return to the store another time to complete the credit check because he also has to bring in his social security card which he does not carry in his wallet.
On the way home Cisco commented that a lot of his friend's parents pay for their teens cell phones but the he is not a 'pansy kid' and he will save up the money to get his own phone. I labeled this mature behavior. Cisco was a little distraught and I agreed with him that it all was indeed a very big hassle. I agreed full-heartedly because it was a lot of red tape. Never the less I did not co-sign.
This was rather a long drawn out story about our adventure in the cell phone store but I found it agreeable to stand back and let Cisco,who feels that he knows all that he needs to know in life, deal with the situation. It was an ideal learning situation. I did not critisize or act sarcastic. I simply did not want to be responsible for his phone bill when I do not feel it is fully necessary for him to have a cell phone. I really do feel that this is a hard lesson for an eighteen year old to learn. It is really an eye opener to realize how much money it cost to buy something that in the past was just taken for granted.
We Survived Week One
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Week One is over...... Cisco has been back home since last Monday. Every day I am thankful for the help that we received and are still receiving for our son's recovery. I found out that two of his friends who he used to get high with are in very bad straits. This makes me realize that Cisco would be right there with them if he did not go into placement. Even he feels that he is a lucky kid. I liked Lloyd's post about labeling the good and bad behavior and I am doing
that. I checked out some text messages on Cisco's cell phone. One thing I was unhappy about was that he was in contact with an old friend who he should not contact so we had a good talk this morning. Then I confiscated the phone for a day.
He went to the wave pool with an appropriate friend today. He asked for the phone back before he left for swimming saying that I would not be able to get in contact with him.
I did not fall for that. He will get the phone back tomorrow as originally decided. It is
good to be a parent in control but trust me... Cisco does want to be in control
and does push for it. He makes me work to keep the control. I am glad we
fought to keep Cisco on probation and in the system and that we have the help
and support that we have because it makes my job a lot easier. He was not too upset about me taking his phone. I am learning that when I stand firm he seems to realize that he cannot sway me. Now he did ask for the phone this evening and my answer was still, "No, you will get your phone back tomorrow morning". He only asked once and he accepted the answer. I thanked him for his mature attitude; labeling the good bahavior.
He asked for his phone first thing this morning. I asked him if he wanted to do something with me. Either work out at the gym or go out to eat breakfast. He chose to go to breakfast with me. I told him I would give him the cell phone for him to charge it for later use but I did not want him to take it to the restaurant with us. He was okay with this idea.
We had a very enjoyable breakfast. Cisco was attentive and we talked about his biological family and about how much fun his adoptive grandma used to be. He liked the fact that she used to play video games with him even though she was in her eighties. She actually wasn't too bad at it he mused. I recalled that my mom confessed to me that she enjoyed playing but mostly just kept pushing all buttons as quickly as possible and had no clue what she was doing! I kept that information to myself. His best comment was that even though he was not her biological grandchild he felt her love was so genuine and sincere. I cannot thank her for this because she has passed away but in my heart I thank her for this every day. Grandparents are just so special for teenagers and they leave a lasting impression on them.
I encourage grandparents to join us at PSST meetings since they are such an important part of their teenage grandchildren's lives.
Who is the big dog? Featured Technique: accept a win!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, July 24, 2010
"You can't make me religious" he claimed. Then he went on to say other things of a hurtful nature.
She persisted and said if she was traveling all that way, she was going to church and he would just have to accept it.
So far so good. It's important that the mom set the stage and it's important that mom takes control of things on off-grounds visits so that her son believes that when he comes home there will be a new sheriff in town. That's when her son employed the old "OK, if you say I have to go, I'll go but blah blah blah" where he informed her of how horrible he thought she was and of how horrible he thought it was that they would go to "her church" but, yes, he would accompany Cruella de Vil and all of her Dalmatians to Church. It was all about what she wanted to do, wasn't it? What he wanted to do didn't matter. Don't they put you in jail for that in this country? Didn't the Pilgrims come over here to find religious freedom?
At this point the mom decided that she would just forgo the visit rather than let him win this one. She correctly saw that to have the visit and allow him to be in charge of what they do would be wrong because it would leave the strong impression that even when he is in placement he is still the big dog.
What she at first missed was this little part: she won. She is the big dog. He said he would go to church. He just doesn't like it. Mom did everything correct and of course it meets with her son's disapproval. The little dog is going to bark his head off over this. So? Mom won but it didn't feel like a win. Let's look at what is happening with our special PSST translator.
Son: OK OK I'll go to your stinkin church because it's not important what I want to do- it never is- the only thing that matters is that you get to spoonfeed me your brand of christianity.
SON, PSST translation: You really think you have some power? You really think you are in charge? Ha!
Mom: We aren't baby killers you know, and it won't kill you to come to church with me. I don't see why it's such a big deal. You should be happy to come with me, look at how far I travel to see you!
Mom, PSST translation: We can share the power. You can decide to come with me and I appreciate that. We are both powerful- and this is really important to me. If I present it the right way to you- you should WANT to come with me.
Son: Fine! I'll go! I'll do anything you want just because you say so. Oh Holy Mom, let me bow down and kiss your feet!
Son, PSST Translation: OK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time. YOK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time. You aren't tough enough for the job!
ou aren't tough enough for the job!
Mom: Forget it! I don't want to take you now and I don't even think I want to come up.
Mom, PSST Translation: Yes, I'm playing like I'm in charge and if you don't like it, I won't play. You have to learn to like it when I'm in charge.
OR- it could go this way.
Son: OK OK I'll go to your stinkin church because it's not important what I want to do- it never is- the only thing that matters is that you get to spoonfeed me your brand of christianity.
SON, PSST translation: You really think you have some power? You really think you are in charge? Ha!
Mom: Wow! You're going to hate going to my church with me!
Mom, PSST translation: Mom has employed the technique of agreeing with something that he says. She agreed that he would hate it- after all he says he will- he may or he may not but that doesn't matter here. Mom also assumes that he will comply. Mom understands that this isn't really about going to church, is it? This is about who is in charge.
Son: Yes. I am going to hate it and I shouldn't have to do it. This is a free country and you can't force religion on people and you should know that MOM!
Mom: OK. I see this will be a challenge for you. Regardless, I will pick you up at 10 on Sunday, we'll go to my Church, and then we'll go out to eat. After that maybe we'll see if there is something you want to do.
Mom, PSST translation: Yes, darn it, I am calling the shots. You don't have to like it but you will come with me and you can hate every stinkin minute- but you'll have to act appropriately. Mom presented this in the form of a challenge, meaning that he can't go there and act innapropriately either. Later, she can give him kudos for being such an adult about it (if he handles himself appropriately). The fact that he was resistant about going makes it even more to his credit later. "Even feeling the way you did about going, I'm very proud that you came with me and I don't think you even complained once we got there! Thanks. I think that was real "adult-stuff." (see labeling in the post right below this one.) Use of the power word nevertheless, showed that mom wasn't about to argue.
Son: Fine! I'll go! I'll do anything you want just because you say so. Oh Holy Mom, let me bow down and kiss your feet!
Son, PSST Translation: OK you be in charge but you won't want to be the one in charge for very long because I'll make you pay for it- you'll be begging me to take over in no time.
Mom: Ok, was there anything else? I'll see you Sunday!
Mom, PSST Translation: I know you will resent me being the one in charge, nevertheless, I will be the one in charge.
When you win you win. To the victor goes the spoils. That means that there is a cost to be the one in charge. You don't get to be the buddy anymore. You are sometimes resented. Just like the boss at work. Every decision is not a popular one; however, by accepting that and paying the price to be the big dog, you get respect. Respect is what you need now in order to supervise your teen. Love and approval (from them) comes later. Sometimes much later.
If you are willing to pay the price, you get to be the one in charge. If it's support and approval that you want, you don't get it from your teenager. You have to find that somewhere else.
Come to a PSST meeting because we have plenty of support and approval for you- especially if your doing your best to be the one in charge. We clap. We cheer; because at PSST we know just how hard it can be to be the big dog. We think it's worth it because only if you are the one in charge can you have a hope to steer your wayward teenager in the right direction. Of course, while your doing the "steering" he might be barking his head off!
Who is the big dog? Featured Technique: Label Behavior.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, July 24, 2010
I was recently meeting with a parent and her teenager. The teenager admittedly has anger problems. From time to time he has outbursts where he will raise his voice and go on and on about something that he is angry about. He said, "I'm getting better with it- but it's something I do; I'm working on it."
He denied that he was using these outbursts to intimidate and control people. He said he just has anger issues.
I challenged him, that indeed, his mother was afraid of him. He looked doubtful and asked his mother if that was true. She replied, "Well I'm afraid of upsetting you, but I'm not afraid that you'll hurt me."
Once someone learns to be afraid of upsetting someone, that person has employed a technique that helps to keep control. Parents do it with children and it works; we all do it to some degree with people in our lives. We all have a line that when crossed will send us into a different gear and anyone around us will have to contend with us.
Still, when the teenager uses this technique on a regular basis to attempt to control his parents, it creates an imbalance of power in favor of the teenager. The teenager doesn't have to take responsibility for his behavior because he is labeling his behavior as an "anger problem." That's just who he is. He's working on it but since he has anger issues, and various therapists have confirmed this, then he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behavior.
Once he heard his mother state that she was afraid of upsetting him he seemed to soften his attitude about just what he was doing. Was he trying to control people this way or not? He allowed that while he might not be trying to get something he wanted every time he had an outburst, the fact that he has them on a regular basis was sort of a way to control others.
"Lets help with that," I suggested. "How can you help?" he asked. I wasn't sure. I suggested that we make him an offer he can't refuse. I was thinking that if it cost him something when he had outbursts, that he might have fewer of them. I was thinking along the lines of privileges withdrawn or some sort of sanctions. He got my drift. At that point, I asked him if he had any ideas of what would help and he came up with this idea.
"Tell me when I'm doing it. Say, 'hey, you're intimidating me.'" "That's it, I asked? That will help?" He thought so. I asked his mother if she was willing to try that because it sounded like an excellent idea. She agreed.
So far, so good. The very next day after our meeting this teenager was upset about going to his outpatient program. People there were really making him angry. He was getting louder and louder as he was venting in the car on the way home. His mother said, "You're intimidating me." He replied, "Oh I am?" He calmed down.
When I met with the two of them again, I congratulated the teenager on coming up with a great idea. That really worked. It was a much better idea than what I was thinking about. It's sort of like the use of the technique "Now." When you can get a teenager's behavior on track without punishing him or rewarding him, you are better off. This technique just labels the behavior as intimidating and if it works, you have just taken a short cut to extinguishing that particular manipulative technique.
Of course, this might work best if you have the discussion about it first. Admit that you are finding that you are afraid of upsetting him. Ask him if he thinks that labeling his behavior as intimidating would help. Then follow through. Don't just label it half the time. Label it every time his voice is raised.
What would stop a parent from using this technique? A parent would think, "Well, he is really angry. He can't help himself right now. I have to make allowances because he is really angry- he is upset." This thinking is part of the problem. Once you have established that there is a problem with intimidating behavior then you must label all of it irrespective of how angry he is feeling. You are trying to help him unlearn behavior and your feedback to him has to be consistent, specific, and immediate in order to help him the most. So what if he is angry? Let him find a better way to deal with it. Even if you feel that he has a good reason to be angry, challenge him to deal with it in a better way.
What else might stop a parent from using this technique? If the parent also has outbursts on a regular basis where people have learned that they don't want to upset the apple cart, meaning they don't want to upset the parent! In this case, the apple does not fall far from the tree. In other words, this could be a technique that the teenager has come by honestly in as much as he has seen this technique work for other family members. If that is the case, then it is time to ask the teenager for help. Tell him that you also are trying to change. Ask him to help you by pointing out your intimidating behavior to you so that you can stop using this technique also.
There is power in labeling. The teenager has employed a powerful technique when he labels his behavior as an "anger problem." That means it's not really his responsibility is it? Or at least it's something that he can be "working on" and if he's working on it shouldn't everyone be tolerant? Of courses, this becomes counter-productive. Labeling something as an anger problem appears to be designed to help the person with the anger problem keep the control. Don't upset the teenager by confronting him because he has an anger problem. Sort of like don't upset the animals in the zoo because we all know they can't control themselves; however, we may be underestimating our teens when we conclude that they can't control themselves. What we know about verbal abusers (another label) is that they can almost always control themselves. They rarely have outbursts at work. They rarely have outbursts around several people. Usually it is just around one or two people who always seem to be targeted.
The parent employs the same technique when they label behavior as intimidating. It helps stop the behavior. Other behavior can also be labeled. Whining can be labeled; however, don't berate the teen by labeling, just matter-of-factly state that this is whining and no one gets anything when they whine about it. Forget it. Whining? Then the answer is no.
You can also label mature behavior for what it is. What if you see your teenager ask for something, you say you don't know, and they say, "OK, just let me know, I know you have to think it over." That's a great time to say, "you know what honey, I think that a very mature way to ask for something. You might not get what you're asking for but I have to tell you that I'm impressed that you can ask for it in such a cool way. Like your getting more mature- you know, growing up." You might call it "adult behavior." "That was very adult-stuff you just did!"
There are other behaviors that it might be helpful to label. Once you have a name for a behavior, use that same name each time you label it. Try not to use it to berate or nag the teenager with it. Try to use it as a teaching tool but at the same time- it's a way to stand up to your teen. It's hard to continue to intimidate when some one sees what you are doing and points it out to you. That's power. That's one more thing that can help you be the big dog.
