Agreements- the power of 3X + OR "You Really Need To Start Trusting Me Mom!" Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, August 16, 2010

This came up at our recent meeting in Wexford. When you agree with your teenager, you have more power if you think in terms of 3 or more quick agreements. For example:

Teen: Mom, you're really crowding me- back off! You're checking my breath, looking in my eyes, calling my friends parents!

Mom: You are so right. I'm all over you like white on rice (or flies on poop seemed to work great in group too :-) [1x]

Teen: Well, stop it! I'm doing good. Why can't you just trust me? You need to start trusting me Mom!



Mom: I struggle. [moving in closer- good eye contact] You've done some good things since you got out of rehab three weeks ago! For the life of me, I Can't Seem To Stop worrying about you. I mean you're right, I'm Not Comfortable with The Trust Thing Yet! [2x]

Teen: Well you better back off, cause when you're like that it makes me want to use!

Mom: You're right. Pressure DOES make people feel like using. I mean you prepare, prepare, and prepare in the rehab, but when you come out and you feel the pressure of real life, you can find that your whole recovery is right on the line. I appreciate you sharing that with me- that even after all that rehab stuff, you are sometimes this close [hand gesture] to picking up. [3x]

Teen: I think it's just going to take a little more time for you to trust me.

Mom: You know, I think so too. Down the road, we can look forward to that. In the meantime what can I do to help you feel not so pressured? [4x- if you hang in there sometimes the third of fourth agreement feels nicer.]

Teen: You just keep asking me the same questions that I've already answered. As though you think I'm lying and each time you ask me- you think I'm going to give you a different answer.

Mom: That sounds annoying. So, I'm way to obvious huh? [5x]

Teen: I guess you could say that.

Mom: OK, so I'll try to not be so obvious. Could you help me on this one??

Teen: How?

Mom: First of all, could you point it out to me when I do it? Just make a sign so I know you feel that you've already answered me.

Teen: Like what?

Mom: Like a traffic stop or a "cut it off" thing with your hand, you know. That will help me be more aware of when I am being repetitious and if I think I haven't covered that before, then I'll just ask you to tell me what I'm telling you, so that I can hear that we've covered that already- OK? That way you can show me that you already heard me so I can move on- OK?

Teen: Sure. [Teen does not sound convinced, but teen sounds curious to see if this would work.]

Mom: And one other thing too. You know how in your contract, it says not hanging with friends that you used to use with? Well, I think John, while he might be doing much better than he used to do- is one of those people that you used to use with and I'm feeling afraid that you are putting him back on your "OK to associate with" list. That would help me too, if you could clean up that part of your contract, can you do that?

Teen: I don't know. He is doing better. He hangs with Suzie and so do I.

Mom: This whole Not Associate with Old Peers things sounds complicated. [6x]

Teen: It is!

Mom: Well, you helped me see something today. [Let's give the teenager the credit for the take-back-control thing we are about to do!]

Teen: What!

Mom: Instead of the barrage of questions that I'm firing at you every day, I need to stop some of that, and just be more clear with you about some things. I am not comfortable with John being on your contact list. I need you to fix that. I'm going to start holding you accountable if you don't fix it. We'll start with the cell phone and go from there, but you are completely right that you don't need this big inquisition all the time. Oh sure, I'm still going to be all over you like a cheap suit when it comes to knowing where, with whom, and what you are doing, but lets deal with this John thing head on. Any questions about that?

[This was done in the form of "we agree that I'm going overboard." We agreed with this position earlier and now we are reiterating it and using it to lead to our firm take-back-control stance.]

Teen: No!!!! It's not fair!

Mom: No, I'm sure it's not looking to fair right now! I'm not trying to be fair honey- you're right about that. [7x]

Teen: Why are you so unfair?

Mom: I'm trying to keep you safe- fair is a luxury I don't have- but then, you know that, don't you?

Teen: I just hope someday someone tells you that you can't hang around your friends and see how you feel!

Mom: I don't know how that feels. [8x]

Teen: You're right! You don't.

Mom: I'm sure it sucks. Anything else right now?

Teen: No! [Slams the magazine down and storms off.]

How do we know the teen heard this Mom? When she slams down the magazine, we know she heard right about John. But we thought if we did all this agreeing, things would go well? Hopefully, it will go well, but do not be mislead by the end of the interview.

In other words, did this go badly because it seemed to end on such a negative note? No. We are more concerned that the Teen follows through on changing that John thing. Also, we want to give our teen the selective power of helping us change our broken record thing. Sometimes we do sound like broken records- that's not helping either- so the Teen and the Parent both get something out of this one, although from the Teen perspective, the parent gets more.

We hope through this method to improve the way we dialogue with our teenager. If we are doing our job, we will still make them angry sometimes; however, the anger and resentment should pass more quickly because of our positive dialogue.

Cartoon taken from here Communication Skills by Rod Windle and Suzanne Warren. There are a lot of good tips here about how to improve your communication skills, especially listening skills.