Who is the big dog? Featured Technique: Label Behavior. Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, July 24, 2010

I was recently meeting with a parent and her teenager. The teenager admittedly has anger problems. From time to time he has outbursts where he will raise his voice and go on and on about something that he is angry about. He said, "I'm getting better with it- but it's something I do; I'm working on it."

He denied that he was using these outbursts to intimidate and control people. He said he just has anger issues.

I challenged him, that indeed, his mother was afraid of him. He looked doubtful and asked his mother if that was true. She replied, "Well I'm afraid of upsetting you, but I'm not afraid that you'll hurt me."



Once someone learns to be afraid of upsetting someone, that person has employed a technique that helps to keep control. Parents do it with children and it works; we all do it to some degree with people in our lives. We all have a line that when crossed will send us into a different gear and anyone around us will have to contend with us.

Still, when the teenager uses this technique on a regular basis to attempt to control his parents, it creates an imbalance of power in favor of the teenager. The teenager doesn't have to take responsibility for his behavior because he is labeling his behavior as an "anger problem." That's just who he is. He's working on it but since he has anger issues, and various therapists have confirmed this, then he doesn't have to take responsibility for his behavior.

Once he heard his mother state that she was afraid of upsetting him he seemed to soften his attitude about just what he was doing. Was he trying to control people this way or not? He allowed that while he might not be trying to get something he wanted every time he had an outburst, the fact that he has them on a regular basis was sort of a way to control others.

"Lets help with that," I suggested. "How can you help?" he asked. I wasn't sure. I suggested that we make him an offer he can't refuse. I was thinking that if it cost him something when he had outbursts, that he might have fewer of them. I was thinking along the lines of privileges withdrawn or some sort of sanctions. He got my drift. At that point, I asked him if he had any ideas of what would help and he came up with this idea.

"Tell me when I'm doing it. Say, 'hey, you're intimidating me.'" "That's it, I asked? That will help?" He thought so. I asked his mother if she was willing to try that because it sounded like an excellent idea. She agreed.

So far, so good. The very next day after our meeting this teenager was upset about going to his outpatient program. People there were really making him angry. He was getting louder and louder as he was venting in the car on the way home. His mother said, "You're intimidating me." He replied, "Oh I am?" He calmed down.

When I met with the two of them again, I congratulated the teenager on coming up with a great idea. That really worked. It was a much better idea than what I was thinking about. It's sort of like the use of the technique "Now." When you can get a teenager's behavior on track without punishing him or rewarding him, you are better off. This technique just labels the behavior as intimidating and if it works, you have just taken a short cut to extinguishing that particular manipulative technique.

Of course, this might work best if you have the discussion about it first. Admit that you are finding that you are afraid of upsetting him. Ask him if he thinks that labeling his behavior as intimidating would help. Then follow through. Don't just label it half the time. Label it every time his voice is raised.

What would stop a parent from using this technique? A parent would think, "Well, he is really angry. He can't help himself right now. I have to make allowances because he is really angry- he is upset." This thinking is part of the problem. Once you have established that there is a problem with intimidating behavior then you must label all of it irrespective of how angry he is feeling. You are trying to help him unlearn behavior and your feedback to him has to be consistent, specific, and immediate in order to help him the most. So what if he is angry? Let him find a better way to deal with it. Even if you feel that he has a good reason to be angry, challenge him to deal with it in a better way.

What else might stop a parent from using this technique? If the parent also has outbursts on a regular basis where people have learned that they don't want to upset the apple cart, meaning they don't want to upset the parent! In this case, the apple does not fall far from the tree. In other words, this could be a technique that the teenager has come by honestly in as much as he has seen this technique work for other family members. If that is the case, then it is time to ask the teenager for help. Tell him that you also are trying to change. Ask him to help you by pointing out your intimidating behavior to you so that you can stop using this technique also.

There is power in labeling. The teenager has employed a powerful technique when he labels his behavior as an "anger problem." That means it's not really his responsibility is it? Or at least it's something that he can be "working on" and if he's working on it shouldn't everyone be tolerant? Of courses, this becomes counter-productive. Labeling something as an anger problem appears to be designed to help the person with the anger problem keep the control. Don't upset the teenager by confronting him because he has an anger problem. Sort of like don't upset the animals in the zoo because we all know they can't control themselves; however, we may be underestimating our teens when we conclude that they can't control themselves. What we know about verbal abusers (another label) is that they can almost always control themselves. They rarely have outbursts at work. They rarely have outbursts around several people. Usually it is just around one or two people who always seem to be targeted.

The parent employs the same technique when they label behavior as intimidating. It helps stop the behavior. Other behavior can also be labeled. Whining can be labeled; however, don't berate the teen by labeling, just matter-of-factly state that this is whining and no one gets anything when they whine about it. Forget it. Whining? Then the answer is no.

You can also label mature behavior for what it is. What if you see your teenager ask for something, you say you don't know, and they say, "OK, just let me know, I know you have to think it over." That's a great time to say, "you know what honey, I think that a very mature way to ask for something. You might not get what you're asking for but I have to tell you that I'm impressed that you can ask for it in such a cool way. Like your getting more mature- you know, growing up." You might call it "adult behavior." "That was very adult-stuff you just did!"

There are other behaviors that it might be helpful to label. Once you have a name for a behavior, use that same name each time you label it. Try not to use it to berate or nag the teenager with it. Try to use it as a teaching tool but at the same time- it's a way to stand up to your teen. It's hard to continue to intimidate when some one sees what you are doing and points it out to you. That's power. That's one more thing that can help you be the big dog.