Reflections from Mother's Day by "June" Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Mother's Day found me - once again - in the car on my way to visit Beaver in treatment. The ride is just long enough that I can argue both sides of a story and come to a conclusion. I have to admit I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. "Why can't I just have a normal Mother's Day? I don't even have to have breakfast in bed. Just being able to be at home, and not visiting in a room with other parents. " Unfortunately hearing all their problems with their child just exacerbates my self pity.


Once off the highway, the traveling is actually quite pleasant. I actually came upon a Norman Rockwell scene--old, dilapidated but well loved farm, 3 horses in the front pasture and a colt snuggling up to it's mother's side, and 2 fat, white ducks with huge orange feet waddling along and taking a dip in the rain filled ditch. Okay, I've pulled my head out of my behind. "Enjoy the day, June" I say to myself.

I arrive at the facility and I'm surprised to see that there are not too many cars in the lot. What's up with this? Isn't it Mother's Day? Aren't you supposed to see the child you bore? After reflecting on the amount of hours labor took, the recovery time, and the 'deflated balloon' look to my stomach might put you off a bit, but hey........wasn't that all part of the deal?

Beaver came out to get me, and he was all smiles. I too was happy. My son, my baby boy!! "Happy Mother's Day" Beaver said. "Thanks Beav" I replied. We went in to sit down, with 3 other families and siblings. Family #1 is fighting with junior telling him there is no way in God's green earth are they taking him home. Family #2 is trying to deal with junior trying to escape a couple days ago. Family #3 is trying desperately to have a conversation, but junior has dug his feet in and is not talking, so there is a lot of awkward silences, throat clearing, and foot shuffling.

Beaver said "I'm sorry you had to come visit me here Mom". I replied "I'm sorry too, Beaver. I did my share of crying on the way up here, but I got to thinking [remember I said I could work through any problem?} and I figured the alternative was worse". "Oh" Beaver said laughing, "I guess it would be worse in jail. LOL" "Well, that wasn't exactly what I was thinking of when I said 'alternative'. I meant it would be so much worse visiting you at your gravesite and putting flowers there. Your drug of choice is a horrific one, and can kill you. If you had not been stopped from your downward spiral, you would probably be dead. So in that regard, I do not think it's too bad visiting you here" said June.

Beaver's reaction to my statement was as if he had been slapped hard across the face. He actually sat back in his chair as if to say "woah". I have never been so blunt to him before, and I suppose my words sound harsh to anyone else. But I hope that maybe, just maybe, he actually heard what I was saying.

When it was time to go Beaver said "I'm sorry again Mom that you had to visit me here". "Next year I want you to bake me a cake, because you'll be home and clean" said June. "And I'm glad to visit you because you are my son and I love you."

My last reflection...........is it just me, or is it the little boy in my head that I miss so much, or is it the one who sits in front of me now. At different treatment facilities--- at Easter, Christmas, Mother's Day, birthdays........... June will have to take another ride to ponder this.