May 14 Wexford PSST Meeting Recap Posted by:Max--Thursday, May 19, 2011

May 14 Wexford PSST Meeting Recap

We had a great PSST Meeting in Wexford. Today's meeting was led by PSST power couple Cheryl and Jim, assisted by Kathie T and Justin from Wesley Spectrum Services and by Val and Lloyd from the Probation Office.

We had a slightly smaller group (13 parents and 1 older brother) so we had a little more time to share.

Cheryl and Jim’s son Andy was asked to leave his ½ way house, due to some inappropriate behavior. He spent time in Shuman, then transferred to another ½ way house that caters to adults. Now that Andy is 18, being around adults seems to suit him very well; Cheryl and Jim are optimistic that some good changes can occur in this placement.

Cheryl and Jim, I appreciate the difficulty you have with Andy – his physical health, his mental health, and if that weren’t enough, drug use. I have never seen either of you be anything but strong and positive when speaking of Andy’s situation. We all can really learn from how the two of you deal with adversity. Thank you for being an important part of PSST.

Angela’s daughter Samantha had been doing well after discharge from her inpatient treatment. She was attending school there, as she was not ready to return to her regular high school, and was being monitored at home by her parents, following the home contract, and using the P.O. as back-up.

The other week, her dad went away for business and her mom was sick in bed. Samantha took this opportunity to hook up with some old friends and used.

She was immediately “outed” by Angela, taken to Shuman for 10 days, where she fared better than last time. This time, having accumulated more clean time, Samantha noticed more of the chaos she was surrounded by. She was scared, hiding under tables when fights broke out.

Angela and Tony hope this experience sticks with Samantha and acts as a deterrent. It was suggested that Samantha go to an inpatient facility for 6 – 9 months.

Angela and Tony were not ready for this – they wanted to try another way, so for now they are doing an intensive in–home therapeutic recovery program. Samantha works with staff daily in the home, as well as other related appointments her parents have to take her to. She is also under house arrest.

Despite all the restrictions, Samantha is not unhappy. Maybe she was “asking” for some limits to be enforced. Maybe she was testing. Whatever you call it, this was still a relapse, and Tony and Angela went into action immediately, using all their new PSST skills.

Angela, what you are doing isn’t easy. Many of us would welcome the break from the chaos an inpatient placement brings with it. You are to be commended. We are all very interested how the in-home treatment works.

Please keep us posted, or maybe write something for the blog, as this may be appropriate for other families.


Kitty’s son Carlyle “coined out” of his outpatient treatment. He actually thanked his mom for the help! He is doing well now.

Kitty was worried that older son Kat was going to leave his 1/2way house, but he changed his mind and decided to stay. Whew!

Since things are going well, Kitty kindly as always, offered her share of time for others to use.

Thanks again, Kitty. We hope this is always your biggest problem – not much to say!

Joan’s daughter Melissa is in an inpatient facility in Ohio at the moment. The road there was circuitous.

Melissa had been acting erratically, breaking into her mother’s home, stealing things like a “Wii” to sell, using Joan’s credit cards to purchase an iPod for a friend, stating on Facebook that she was engaged but not to tell her mother.

Joan told us that this has become a pattern for Melissa – she acts out for a while, later calms down, then asks her mother for help.

When that time came, Joan smartly suggested they meet at RESOLVE, a safe and neutral place where they could make some plans, as Melissa wasn’t living at home. Joan suggested the inpatient in Ohio, which Melissa accepted.

Joan also has papers ready to file charges, to get Melissa into the system so she can have the back up of probation.

Joan realizes Melissa gets some emotional thrill from hurting her, then coming back to her. Therefore, Joan is determined not to enable or reinforce this behavior by remaining detached, choosing not to visit or interact with her. She will support only recovery and mental health related activities.

All your friends at PSST appreciate how difficult it is not to interact with your kid. But Joan, you realize when you react to Melissa’s behavior as she expects you will, it doesn’t help her; it just continues the crazy cycle. Great job, Joan!

Max’s older son Michael continues to do well, working 2 jobs, planning to take his GED next week. He has been pleasant to live with, doing favors for Max.

Typical teen behavior, such as playing too loud music (filled with profanity, but what the f#@k) or not cleaning up after himself are the things that get Max and Mel fighting with him.

However, they are actually thrilled to be having arguments over NORMAL things! Michael is very clear on the fact that if he “screws up”, any consequence is his alone to deal with. This doesn’t mean if he “falls” somehow we won’t be upset. Of course we will. But we are no longer filled with constant anxiety and worry about him. It is his life, and if he makes choices to put his freedom at risk, it is his problem. Detachment Accomplished!

Violet’s son Sal is struggling. Out of school for 2 weeks, his drug tests are clean, but Vi became suspicious and searched – and found- “potpourri” in his pocket.

There were also indications he has been drinking. Sal is going through a tough time, as it is the 3rd anniversary of his father’s suicide.

Has Sal ever really worked through this trauma? Really dealt with all his emotions? Could he be self- medicating?

Violet will be bringing Sal to Shuman for a meeting with his PO, and a temporary stay there until they decide what inpatient facility would be best.

Now that Sal has been clean from heroin for a long while, his mental health needs are becoming more apparent. The mental health component of Sal’s’ continued treatment will be crucial for his recovery. As usual, Violet is front and center, committed to helping find the best program for him.

A side note: many of us fear we will miss signs if our child uses K2 or Spice, as these things do not show up on a standard drug test (at this time). The window for a positive alcohol screen is also very narrow. However, we can look and learn from Violet’s situation. It was Sal’s behavior that alerted her – she knows her kid, and when he had too much trouble getting out of bed; her antennae went up, and she searched his room.

Know your kid -pay attention to your child’s behavior and habits; this is a healthier alternative to hovering and constant worrying about what you have no control over. Their behavior will most likely give you what you need to initiate a room search, or just a conversation. PSSTers are no longer naive. We know “not my kid” is a fantasy we no longer take part in.

Daisy’s son Ozzie is doing much better in all areas except school.

He is able to handle disagreements without getting violent, which shows much progress. He attends school but doesn’t follow through with assignments, which is part of the rules of his school contract.

He will probably fail some classes and will have to attend summer school, or be transferred back to the AIU, where he would most likely finish out the year with no summer school needed.

Daisy is unsure what would be best, as she is getting conflicting advice. Some suggest that his” natural consequences” of failing and having to attend summer school is what would “teach him a lesson”.

But Daisy wonders “why go through that exercise, when Ozzie would finish up 10th grade and move on” at the AIU? Also, Ozzie doesn’t seem to fear summer school as a deterrent; rather, he sees it more of a social opportunity with easier classes.

Daisy worries that if she chooses the AIU, it may seem as though Ozzie gets the easy way out. Lloyd stepped in and said he sees school choice as a family decision; probation really shouldn’t be a part of that choice unless active drug and alcohol use or serious behavioral issues are part of the immediate problem.

And now a word from Max about “conflicting opinions” from our professional teams:

We all get them here and there, and it can be confusing and anxiety producing. PSST parents have been through the ringer, and because of this, we don’t always trust our guts with our kids – after all, we obviously didn’t really understand their problems until they were already in trouble - what makes us think we’ll “get it right” this time?

And that is the conundrum – the feeling that doing what’s best for our kid equals getting it RIGHT. The truth is there is never only one way to solve a problem.

Try to see differing opinions as a bonus. From these opinions, make a pro and con list for yourself and your kid. You won’t make an incorrect choice, because the ideas offered are professional opinions.

You must do what will work best with your particular family dynamic.

You are the one who knows your kid best, but you also know what you can commit to in terms of time, energy, and truly feeling comfortable with your decision. When you believe with your gut you are doing the right thing, you will have more dedication to follow-through.

Sally and Rocco’s son Cisco is doing really well at his ½ way house. He has been demonstrating that he knows when he needs help. He will say “I need to go to a meeting”. He is also showing a sense of maturity and obligation to others besides himself. He wanted to return to his program after a weekend home because he knows it “isn’t fair to the other guys who don’t get to go out”. He is starting Community College on Monday. We are thrilled to hear about Cisco’s progress, and are looking forward to the school report!!

Word of the Day” offered by Jim: “Anticippointment”- anticipating the disappointment that may occur if “the other shoe drops”. It is in the same realm as being “cautiously optimistic”, but with the PSST twist of humor. Thanks, Jim!

Wilma’s son Bam Bam is now in placement due to act 53. It was a harrowing and long day in court, as many of us at PSST are all too familiar with. Bam Bam didn’t really think he would actually be placed, even though the independent court evaluator suggested in over out-patient as a first step.

Wilma felt vindicated in all her efforts. Things were very tense in the waiting room. Wilma was concerned that Bam would run - especially when he demanded she buy him cigarettes. Wilma simply said no, retreated to separate corners to hunker down and wait.

Finally Bam Bam’s PD had a meeting with him, and told him he would be going in-patient. Bam was irate, and yelled obscenities at his mother, calling her a liar. The PD told Bam Bam if he voluntarily signed himself into his placement, they could pass on the hearing, which he accepted.

The Staff told Bam he would be there “2 weeks minimum”, but like all our kids, Bam Bam only heard the “2 weeks” portion. He is pretty convinced he will be home soon, and doesn’t understand there will be a hearing in 45 days.

Wilma has already received calls about Bam fighting, and all are worried Bam Bam is intentionally “FTA”-ing himself so he gets kicked out and goes home. However, Wilma as usual is one step ahead. She has evidence garnered from Facebook that will help her in efforts to bring up charges against her son, so he will have a P.O. and will be court ordered to a second placement if he FTA’s his current one.

Brad and Jenn brought Dylan’s older brother Mark to our meeting. They felt it was important for Dylan’s brother to have an opportunity to share if he wanted, and to better understand the difficult situation his parents and brother are in.

They all visited Dylan in his placement, bringing along birthday cards. Dylan was choked up by this and cried for the first time in a long while. He knows he will be in placement a long time, especially since he has already been in trouble there.

Dylan decided to end his meeting early by saying he wanted to go to Math class – a confusing reason to his parents, but it might actually be a good thing. Mark tried to explain to Dylan not to try to be like him, that, Dylan needs to be his own person.

Brad and Jenn always come to these meetings with smiles and hopeful attitudes, even when they must be feeling down. You two are an inspiration.


Advice wanted!
Angela brought up that Samantha’s older brother is very angry towards her – Angela wants family counseling to deal with this. Lloyd suggested that her brother may be feeling protective of his mom and his younger sister – which may stem from traditional gender issues. Angela is concerned that his comments are harmful to Samantha.

Lloyd’s point is that this confrontation from brother can be a good thing. “Nasty” comments like “I’m going out tonight with my friends – too bad you have to stay home” may be rubbing Samantha’s nose in it, and may make her feel the sting. But that is basically part of the consequence – sort of a reality check.

As long as brother isn’t abusive, it may be helpful for Samantha to hear. Otherwise, if it really stresses the family, Angela can get family support from their program.

Next: Role Play
Starring: Max as Daisy, Justin as Ozzie, and sitting in for Deb Cohen, Violet.

As said earlier, Ozzie wants an extended curfew, but is not meeting school expectations. Also, Daisy is unsure of the best way to proceed with finishing out the school year. She plans to discuss it at Gateway with Deb Cohen present as mediator, so we used this scenario for a practice run:

Daisy: Ozzie, I want to get back to you about your curfew.

Ozzie: So what about it?

Daisy: I got an email from Mrs. Smith telling me you are failing math.

Ozzie: That’s not true! I’ve done everything I’m supposed to! She probably didn’t enter all the recent grades. And anyways, what does that have to do with extending my curfew!

Daisy: I’ve received one too many emails lately telling me that you are not turning in your homework and you are still putting your head down during class.

Ozzie: I’m tired and it’s boring!

Daisy: Well, when you came to me to ask for an extended curfew, I said no because I am not comfortable with you being out and about longer than necessary. And, I need to see you behaving in a responsible manner at school, making responsible decisions there, in order for me to consider extending your curfew. When you disregard your school work, it is clear you are not behaving responsibly by not taking your school seriously. So I feel good about my earlier decision not to extend your curfew.

Ozzie: I don’t get it!! I am doing everything else right! I’m clean on my drug tests, I am attending Gateway and not missing, I am better with you at home, I’m not even having a tantrum!!

Daisy: Ozzie, you are right. Sometimes I forget to acknowledge enough all the good things you are doing. Thank you for pointing that out. You have made some important changes. Never the less, taking school seriously is a way of showing me you are taking responsibility. So I am going to give you one last chance to jump back on track and work very hard at your current school, even though you will probably still end up in summer school. The other choice would be to go back to the AIU to finish the year out.

Ozzie: WTF! I can’t go back there! I don’t care if I go to summer school or not!! Summer school fun! No one works anyway!

Daisy: That is my point, Oz – you don’t seem to care, so I would rather you be someplace where I believe you will have more success and more support to finish out this year. If you stay where you are, it will just be more of the same. I am not being a responsible parent by letting things go on as they are. However, if your choice is to stay, I will be comfortable with you continuing there if we have a detention hearing, and return to an ankle monitor and house arrest until the end of school

Ozzie: (with attitude) I don’t care. I’ll wear the ankle bracelet.

Daisy: (pretty sure after he thinks it through, he won’t really want to do it this way) Hmm...well, I guess I didn’t realize how important staying where you are is! I certainly wouldn’t do it this way, but it’s your choice and up to you. Would you repeat what I just said back to me so I know you understand what you agreed to?


What we tried to do – is help Ozzie make the choice, so he is more responsible for it. We also tried to connect earning the privilege of later curfew, with showing responsibility at school.

Good Point> Have your kid repeat back to you what he/she heard – yhis will help to clear up any miscommunication and misunderstandings during these talks. And finally, try not to LECTURE – get to the point.

And as one who lectures way too much – I am signing off.

Next week in Mount Lebanon!

REMEMBER PSST WORKS! THERE IS NO COST AND NO OBLIGATION! COME AND GIVE US A TRY! ALL YOU HAVE TO LOSE IS YOUR ANXIETY, ANGER AND CHAOS IN YOUR LIFE!