Tuesday evening we went for our weekly family meeting with Bam Bam's counselor. As usual we have to talk about when he comes home. Then he started talking about things he deserves such as getting his ears pierced, getting a tattoo ( he is 16 and needs parental approval for this!), He said I'd probabaly say no since I go to Lloyd's classes (his rep reaches far and wide!) and that the mother of his new friend at Bedrock Manor also goes to Lloyds' classes and that we are learning all kinds of stuff to make their lives miserable (thank goodness for PSST)!!!
The counselor pointed out that he has to follow our rules and that me and his dad have to discuss these issues and he will have to abide by our decisions. The friend thing came up again which is always stressful. Then we find out that Mr. Jackson agrees that Bam Bam gets a 2 hour off-grounds pass the next day. What?? I'm not ready for this. Since its only two hours we can't come home so the plan is to have lunch close by, maybe shop and then go back. After the family meeting it's time for family programming.
The topic this night is emotions. I have to tell the counselor not to call on my husband or single him out in any way or he will leave and go sit in the car. She has to know that we are trying to show a united front for Bam Bam but since Fred is pathologically uncomfortable in these types of situations he will bolt and doesn't care what anybody thinks.Thanks for the stress, Fred.
The kids are brought in and we are told to sit in our family units and given groups of index cards with emotions on them. We are to discuss among ourselves when we last felt the emotion which included sad, happy, guilty, etc. Then we would have a group discussion. We talked a little but then Bam Bam decided he needed to badger us (especially me) about getting his ear pierced, tattoo and then he told us how when he comes home he'll be getting a new phone! Well... I told him that when he comes home he won't have any phone, he was going to have to earn that privilege back. Bam Bam is mad!! He starts on how that is not fair, he deserves it since he's been locked up, he had to do this before and he shouldn't have to do it again and on and on. He got up and left so we left too. I thought for sure he wouldn't get his pass but he did.
Now its Wednesday and we pick Bam Bam up and go to the restaurant. Its tense, we all order, and then it starts again. Same topics as the night before and then he adds that he'll probably get 4 hour pass next week so he wants to come home for a couple hours (travel time is usally 1 hour one way). Starts dictating what he is going to do on the pass-listen to music, surf the internet, buy Lil Waynes cd on-line. Well, I tell him he won't have access to the internet so now he's mad. I'm telling him no way, Fred says I'm talking a little loud so I told them I'm not talking about anything at all. More tension.
Bam Bam then asks us if he tells us something would we tell the counselor and I tell him of course so he shouldn't tell us. He does anyay. He also takes this opportunity to tell me yet again it's my fault he smokes. Now this is the place where in hindsight I think we should have cut the visit and taken him back. But we didn't have a plan before the visit since it was so unexpected ( I didn't think his % was high enough). And only that morning I searched the blog and found the post with baker's dozen list of pointers. And so we give him the control and torture ourselves.
Bam Bam is complaining that his shoes are tight so rookies that we are we go to the store. I have to take Bam Bam myself as Fred has a bad knee so I told him he could stay in the car. We are just going to measure for shoes and I was getting him a pair of shorts. however, in the store he starts again!! All the same stuff but then he adds how I owe him a shirt for the drug shirt I threw away, and I owe him more for his birthday and he deserves more-I felt like I was about to have a stroke. I tell him to stop but of course he can't/won't. We left the store, going back to Bedrock and as we are passing a different store Bam Bam says can't we stop and see if they have the shoes he wants and tell I him NO I already said we ARE NOT GOING INTO ANOTHER STORE!!
I couldn't get back fast enough. He knows I am pi$$&*d so on the way back and while we are walking through the parking lot at Bedrock he starts back pedaling and says he doesn't need that particular shirt, and oh I did get him enough for his birthday, etc,etc. I think he realized I'm reporting back to Miss Margarock exactly how things went even though of course its all my fault -as usual.
I decided that if Bam Bam is eligible next week for a 4 hour pass I am not taking him out for it. I told his dad if he wants to go for it but I am not comfortable taking him out and subjecting myself to 4 hours of badgering. I'm not doing it.
After we take Bam Bam back and we are on our way home I have Fred stop so I can get some water to take something for my breathing and anxiety. Am I having a stroke, heart attack or anxiety attack? I can't stand this and will it ever get better? I hope so. I'm thinking on the ride home that I am absolutely not going back to the life that was like this all the time and usually worse. We'll see what next week brings.
I did call the counselor to just let her know that Bam Bam confessed to calling a friend from the facility and punching a hole in a wall. Not sure if he is telling the truth or not but I am not keeping secrets with the counselor. He had also told us another kid gave him a stamp so he wrote a letter to his drug dealing friend "Eddie". I also told her I wasn't comfortable with taking Bam Bam out again next week. I did tell her about how he thinks he can call the shots on the home pass and of course she says no way. However, I want to be prepared for the next one and have the rules spelled out IN WRITING for Bam Bam so there are no surprises and that he knows if he can't abide by the rules he can choose to not take the pass or if he is on the pass it will be cut short.
WHEW! What a couple days. At least today was quiet with no phone calls. Maybe I'll get to relax for a little bit after all! I decided to go to our family (immediate and extended) weekend in Cook's Forest next week.
Wilma
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1 comment:
I liked this post. I think what you are going through happens a lot at this stage of treatment. Especially, this part hit me:
"Bam Bam then asks us if he tells us something would we tell the counselor and I tell him of course so he shouldn't tell us. He does anyay. He also takes this opportunity to tell me yet again it's my fault he smokes. Now this is the place where in hindsight I think we should have cut the visit and taken him back. But we didn't have a plan before the visit since it was so unexpected ( I didn't think his % was high enough). And only that morning I searched the blog and found the post with baker's dozen list of pointers. And so we give him the control and torture ourselves."
1. Not keeping secrets: excellent
2. Confronting him on an off grounds pass even though you are making him angry. Very good.
3. Needing a plan before you try that again. YES!
4. Saying that you are not comfortable taking him off grounds until something changes: This can push the treatment process inside the rehab. talk talk talk talk but when you refuse to take him off grounds EVERYONE STARTS LISTENING TO YOU! good job!
5. Fred!? Let him take care of himself. You have enough to worry about. If the facilitator calls on him and he runs to the car, which of course may or may not actually happen, then that sends an clear message to the inpatient program that there are issues.
I have a feeling that Bam Bam is in for a surprise when it sinks in that things are going to be a lot different at home. This creates a big opportunity for him to decide to change things. For now, he seems to feel that he deserves whatever he wants and that you and Fred are here primarily to see that his needs are met. It's like now that he agreed to enter rehab, even though he didn't think he needed that- you owe him whatever he wants.
Good sign that he started to "back pedal" before you returned to the rehab. This shows that he is starting to "get it."
Keep up the good work and I can't wait for the next chapter.
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