Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST): SUMMARY DEC 4 PSST MEETING IN WILKINSBURG

Building a Super PSSTeam

The response for PSST’s Seventh Anniversary / Holiday Celebration in Wilkinsburg was Awesome.

Val and Lloyd led the meeting along with Jocelyn. We had 21 extraordinary parents including two new moms and four veterans.

Together we are building a Super PSSTeam.

The 21 parents in attendance represented 17 families. We know them here on the blog as Violet, Candy, Sally & Rocco, Daisy, Jane, June, Lily, Jessica, Ralph & Alice, Tom & Becky, Marci, Patty, our two new moms Angela and Jennifer, and our 4 veteran PSST parents Lori, Jasmine and Olivia & John (Parents of the Year 2009).

FIRST BREAKFAST: We started our PSST 7th Anniversary / Holiday Celebration an hour early with an wonderful variety of cakes, dips, pastries, soup, shrimp, bagels, cheesecake, strata, fruit and more.

Once we found a couple of working extension cords and set up we had time to greet each other and to socialize before the start of the meeting.

Thanks to everybody for the treats and the company.

I try to keep these posts as concise as possible NEVERTHELESS because of the extraordinary turnout this post is longer than usual.

LET’S TALK: We began the meeting with an introduction by everyone in attendance:

Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house following two stays at an inpatient facility. Sal had his first Thanksgiving Day at home in a few years and all went well. He had some problems over the weekend.

Next is on Sal’s agenda is his hearing. Violet has filed charges in Juvenile Court on things that Sal did prior to turning 18. If she is successful her son will be on juvenile probation prior to him leaving the halfway house.

Sal’s probation will be one more tool in Violet’s toolbox to help her son work his recovery. Sal is not happy with his mom for doing this and that is okay.

As Violet explained to Sal that “I am holding you accountable for Your actions; I am not holding your actions against you.”

You doing a great job Violet at getting Sal the help he needs and refocusing on your own life and your needs. Thanks for being part of PSST.

Candy and her husband Aaron had the strength to stand up in court several times this summer. They did all they could to see that their daughter Tori was returned to an inpatient recovery program.

Tori is doing well in her inpatient program. Tori is thinking about her college plans. Candy and Aaron are feeling a little more comfortable and are thinking about having Christmas with Tori. Like most of our kids, Tori has a way to go in her recovery but she is in a much better place than she was 6 months ago, thnks to her parents.

Thanks Candy for sharing with us and showing everyone what it means to stand up in court, and in life, for your family.

Sally & Rocco have an 18 year old son, Cisco. Cisco’s drug of choice started with marijuana around age 14. He then experimented with other drugs and alcohol and moved on to pills. We visited PSST when Cisco was 15 and felt we didn’t fit in. We tried other counselors and dual diagnosis programs but Cisco’s addiction became worse.

A year later we came back to PSST. For the last 18 months Cisco has been through several recovery programs. We have bought him a lot of clean time and he has progressed but he is not ready to be out on his own yet. He walked away from his latest program last week. Click on "Searching For Cisco – Again" and "Sally's Account of Searching for Cisco" to read about it.

Cisco is currently at Shuman Center awaiting acceptance into another adult recovery program. We visited him and he is once again in a good frame of mind. He cannot explain why he left his last program other than his impulsiveness. He is a bit anxious waiting to be accepted into the new program.

So as I have said before; for now we know where Cisco is and that he is safe, warm and he is not using drugs. We know that he has 15 or 16 months clean time over the past year and half and we know that Cisco is fighting hard at recovery but that his addiction will fight back whenever it finds the chance.

Sally and I know that we are much better than we were last year at this time, never the less, we need to continue as a family to recover one day at a time.

We welcomed a new PSST Mom, Jenifer. She has a 17 year old son we will call Maxwell. Maxwell began using marijuana around age 14. He has shown all of the usual addictive behaviors but his anger problem became a serious issue. Jenifer would like to get him into the proper recovery program that he needs but she is walking on eggshells around her house.

As parents of addicts, we tend to “walk on eggshells” to keep peace and order in our lives. Our tiptoeing around at least provides us “the perception” of peace and order in our lives.

Most of our addicts have a need for the power to be the one in control in our homes. Our son Cisco would "play nice" with us as long as it got him what he wanted. But whenever he was challenged he would immediately get loud, aggressive and agitated. This usually had the effect that he wanted. We sympathized, reassured, apologized, commiserated, comforted and encouraged him just as all good parents do. To put it into one simple phrase – “We Enabled him.”

He mastered this game well. The name of the game is “How Many Ways Can I Make my Issues Mom and Dad’s Fault?"

Click on “You Gotta Break a Few Eggs”.

You are on the right path Jenifer. Please keep attending PSST and give us the chance to help guide you down this road of recovery.

We welcomed our other new PSST Mom Angela. Her daughter Samantha is in Shuman Center. Samantha’s choice of drugs has been marijuana and alcohol. She has been in an outpatient recovery program. She has been generally respectful with her mom but has issues in dealing with her dad.

Last week she came home late obviously high and was agitated enough that the police were eventually called in. Her test for alcohol and drugs came out negative which leads her parents to believe that she was using a form of K-2 (fake weed).

K-2’s effects are similar to those of marijuana and include paranoia, panic attacks, and can lead to hallucinations, severe agitation, elevated heart rate and blood pressure, vomiting and, in some cases, tremors and seizures. Physiological effects of K2 include increased heart rate and increase of blood pressure.

Until recently K-2 products have been banned in only a few states. As of November 24 the U.S. DEA has enacted an emergency one year ban on the manufacture, sales and use of K-2 type products. The DEA and the United States Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) will research whether these chemicals and products should be permanently controlled. The ban should be in effect by the end of the year.

You are doing the right things Angela. It will be a while before your daughter understands that but that is okay. We hope that you will keep coming back to PSST. We are here to support you.

Daisy is a single mom with a 15 year old son, Ozzie, in an Inpatient Recovery Program. She is one of our Super PSST Moms.

Ozzie had been using marijuana and having anger issues. He was kicked out of his Outpatient Program. He is now in his second inpatient recovery program and has been clean for almost 90 days because Daisy also stood up in court to get help for her son. PSST has enabled us parents to take on the power we need to see that our teenagers receive the help that they need. We appreciate the effort you have made in just a few months Daisy.

Thanks for continuing to share your story with us Daisy. You have shown us all how well Act 53, and a determined mom, can work for our teens.

Jane is a relatively new PSST Mom. Her first meeting was our informal Crazy Mocha Meeting at the end of October. She has a son Elroy who is about to turn 18. He has a hearing this week on possession charges and has addiction issues. His drug of choice is marijuana and probably some alcohol and K-2.

Jane has worked hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. Even though he is facing his hearing Elroy is not ready to accept that he has an addiction problem. He won't attend his Outpatient Program, he has skipped school and he stays out all weekend.

Jane has a letter ready to read at his hearing explaining why her son needs help. Click on “Victim Impact Letter” to see it.

As we have discussed previously it is very important for parents to stand up and voice their concerns to the juvenile probation authorities and in Juvenile Court to make sure that their teenagers get the best care that they can get. Of course our teens will not immediately appreciate us doing this. That is okay!

Jane gets a PSSTrophy for writing an exceptional letter for her son’s hearing and for sharing it with us. It is hard to believe you have only been with PSST for a few months.

June is a single mom with a son Beaver in a halfway house following his Inpatient Recovery Program. June has shared her story on the blog. Click on "Living With Beaver". Beaver is doing fairly well but June feels he might be starting to abuse his freedom that he has earned at the halfway house.

This is a good example of why you may want to consider having you teen spend time at a halfway house prior to coming home. Typically teens and parents in recovery have a strained relationship and issues to resolve. Teens need time to work these issues out. Parents need time to reorganize themselves. There are a lot of triggers for a teenage addict returning home; people, places and things. A halfway house is a nice place in between were your teen can still get professional attention, especially when they have a need to act out.

Remember to take some time and refocus on yourself June. You have done a great job with your son’s recovery. You deserve some time out for you. Thanks for sharing with us.

Lily is another single PSST Mom. Her 17 year old son, Bart, has completed his inpatient recovery program, returned to school, has a part time job and earned his Eagle Scout Rank.

Lily demonstrated how well her PSST skills work for other teenage situations.

She suspected that her son was not telling her the truth about where he was one night. When she called to arrange his ride home he asked her to call him 30 minutes before she came to pick him up. Being the Super PSST Mom that she is her alarm bells and whistles went off.

Rather than confronting Bart on the phone she showed up ten minutes before the scheduled pickup time. Instead of calling him she knocked on the door of the house where he said he would be. Of course he wasn’t and the parents were confused. His friend offered to call Bart but Lily told him that it was okay she knew where he was.

Lily drove to Bart’s girlfriend’s house and confronted him and his girlfriend. She didn’t stop there. She also talked with the girl’s mother. Lily explained that not only were the two of them alone in the house for a few hours, while the mom was out, but that Bart had lied to her about where he was.

Bart was not happy with Lily’s actions. Lily told Bart that there will be no secrets, no cover-ups and especially no lying in her home. She also let him know that there would be no computer time for him for a time yet to be determined.

Way to go Lily. Good use of parenting power. Please keep on dropping in see us at PSST.

This was Jessica’s third meeting and she has a New Attitude. She has a 16 year old son, Herman, who came home directly from an Inpatient Recovery Program the day after her first PSST Meeting. Fortunately she had been studying the PSST Blog and had attended one meeting before he came home.

Jessica and her husband Roger have been on couple of roller coaster rides with Herman; some on the Phantom’s Revenge and some on the Little Dips. They have been working together on their son's recovery and their ride was a little smoother this week.

This certainly is typical for our kids. The better we are at changing our behaviors the more anxious their addiction gets to ambush us. When you least expect it will come out of nowhere. They lie to you, their anger resurfaces, they contact someone they know is bad news, on and on.

Please keep attending PSST meetings and practice how to stay calm, agree with the small things, don’t back down, don’t continue with pointless discussions, and never be afraid to call for help when needed.

You two have done really well in a short time Jessica. We hope that you and Roger keep coming to our PSST Meetings.

Ralph and Alice, Super PSST Parents, have two sons, Norton 19 and Ed 16. Norton has left the state because his recovery and their house rules were both too tough for him to follow. As Ralph pointed out their house rules basically boiled down to stay clean and keep up with your recovery. Norton is welcome to come home when he can follow the rules. Unfortunately there is also an arrest warrant waiting for him.

Ed completed his inpatient recovery, is attending the Wesley Spectrum alternative school, participated in some church activities and is participating in his Intensive After Care Program). Their daughter was home for Thanksgiving and was impressed with how much Ed has improved since this time last year.

Even though Ed is doing well with his recovery he is still good at occasionally pushing buttons. As mentioned above as our teen’s addictive behavior does not accept their recovery lying down. It will express itself in different ways. Ed has let Ralph and Alice know that he understands that marijuana is his problem, never-the-less; Ed thinks that he can handle alcohol, when he is 21 of course. That and his desire to contact some old “friends” have set off some triggers for Ralph and Alice.

Fortunately Ralph and Alice are our Champion PSSTwisters and have some good answers for Ed.

You two continue to do the right thing and share it with a bit of humor thrown in. Thanks for being a big part of PSST.

Great question: HOW CAN I BUILD TRUST WITH YOU IF YOU WON'T LET ME OUT WITH MY FRIENDS?!

Lloyd provided a great answer in his post “You’re Grounded Until Further Notice”

Great answer is this: The way you conduct yourself at home will help me to see if you are being responsible. If you are not responsible at home and if you aren't making good decisions at home then there is no reason to think that you would out there.

Acting responsible at home means a lot of things [introduce talking points that you have been wanting to get across, e.g., don't be pushy with the grounding thing- accept it- do your chores- don't have a chip on your shoulder- don't be in touch with unapproved peers while you are grounded- don't be sneaky, etc]

Becky and Tom have a 16 year old son, Syd, in an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. He admitted that he understands and accepts that he is there because of his behavior. That is an important first step.

Another step, while your teen is in an inpatient program, is to discuss the tough issues with them. This is the time to begin working on their home contract and to lay out the new ground rules for their return home. If they are going to act out, or get angry, this is the best time while they are under the care of professionals and away from drugs and alcohol and friends that they use with.

And, of course, the other step is to take time to take care of yourself while you have your home at peace and back to yourselves.

Thanks for becoming part of PSST Becky and Tom; we really appreciate both of you attending the PSST Meetings and hope things continue to go well for you..

Marci was at the meeting with her friend Patti for support. Marcie has a 16 year old son, Chuck, who is awaiting his hearing in juvenile court for possession of marijuana in school.

Chuck is attending an Outpatient recovery program and has a P.O. and things are going much better for Marci.

In a few months you have become one of our Super PSST Moms Marci. You have also Patty for being there to support your friend.

Our good friend Lori, an Alumna PSST Mom, came back for the PSST 7th Anniversary Celebration. Lori started with PSST for help when her son Richie was in his mid-teens. They have been through about ten years of recovery together. He has been through several programs. He has not been home for most of the time. Richie lives in Miami were he has finished his college degree and now works full time.

Lori has been one of our more generous contributors to the blog sharing her experiences with other parents so that they know that they are not in this alone and that there is help available.

One of my favorites is “Eight things I wish I had learned sooner about having a child with a drug problem.” This is a must read for anyone reading the blog that is hesitating to reach out for help.

Thanks for your continued support and encouragement and sharing your story with us Lori.

Another good friend and Alumna PSST Mom, Jasmine, returned for the PSST 7th Anniversary Celebration. Jasmine started with PSST in 2005 when her then teenager Gene was getting involved in drugs.

She worked with Gene through his recovery. Gene is now in the Army and is on his second overseas tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Thanks for returning to see us again Jasmine. Give your son our thanks for his duty when you write to him. May God watch over him and you.

Olivia and John, PSST Parents of the Year 2009, also joined in our PSST 7th Anniversary Celebration. They started attending PSST in 2007. Their son Jarred is now living on his own and working at a full time job. He lost his license recently due to an underage drinking charge so he moved closer to work so that he can walk.

In 2007 Olivia took the initiative to stand up in court and read a letter to make sure that their son received the proper care that he needed. She said how difficult it was to read that letter because her son was right there listening. As Lloyd noted, he wasn't paying attention because his drug problem was a bit too active for him to pay close attention. Maybe, like so many of our teenagers, he was just used to tuning out parents.

To read her letter click on “YOUR HONOR, TODAY I SPEAK AS A CONCERNED LOVING PARENT...”

You guys are a great example of how to take back the power and work with your son. Thanks for returning to PSST Meetings to share with us. It is great to stay in touch with you.

TIME OUT FOR SECOND BREAKFAST:

So much delicious food, so little time to sample it all. We took a fifteen, well maybe a twenty or twenty-five minute break.

ROLE PLAY

Lloyd asked for some guinea pigs, er, volunteers to try his first annual Christmas Challenge Role Play.

Lloyd would try his best to be one of our disgruntled teenagers. We would play ourselves and make use of our Best PSST techniques on him to show him that we had the power.

We tried it with June, Sally & Rocco, Violet, Ralph (with coach Sally) and John (with coach Rocco). We did the agreeing with small things, nevertheless and regardless, I am not comfortable with that and keeping the discussion short techniques.

It is good to watch, good to coach but it is best to participate in the role plays. Remember you can have time outs – you can ask a friend – you can poll the group – you can even rewind (something wish we could do at home) – and most of all remember; we are not here to judge you, we are here to help you.

We had some final discussion for those who needed it and some final comments.

A COUPLE OF LOOSE ENDS

1. We discussed our teen’s shoes. When you are searching your teen’s room (as all PSST Parents do), don’t forget to check their shoes. It is one of their favorite places to hide drugs and money. They now manufacture shoes with “stash” pockets in the tongue of the shoe.

2. In addition to drugs hidden in their room, look for things like: tubes (i.e. paper towel roles, toilet paper roles, barrels from ink pens, sockets from wrench sets, straws), empty soda bottles (for making bongs), nutmeg, salvia, dryer sheets, deodorizers, incense, pipes, rolling papers, hollowed out cigars, plastic baggies, cigarette packs, tea bag size foil packets labeled as incense, niacin tablets, drug test kits, bottles of urine, Natural Herbal Detox Pills and Drinks I-pods, GPS units, digital cameras, any electronics that you were not aware that they had.

DO NOT THROW THESE OUT.

These are all evidence to be saved. Collect and lock them in a safe place – in the trunk of your car, in your own safe, at a friend or relative’s house, in a file cabinet at work (clearly marked) or if possible with the police.

Click on "What Kinds of Things Are Paraphernalia?"

3. When our kids attend IOP as well as regular 12 step meetings we parents can really get hung up on dropping them off and picking them up. Those codependent feelings start to come creeping around again.

It is hard (I know) to trust you teen to get a sponsor at these meetings and begin to ask for rides. It is even harder to trust them to take the bus to the meetings. Regardless, the alternative is to spend a lot of your evenings getting them to the meetings, reading books, shopping, drinking coffee, knitting, napping and taking walks and then riding them home.

On occasion if you are driving them there it is good take the time to sit in on their 12 step meeting. You get to know your teen and their sponsor and their friends.

4. Cell Phones, Face Book, My Space and I-pods with internet capability are all drug paraphernalia. Do Not hesitate to confiscate them from your teenager.

5. If your teen steals anything from you, your family or your friends do not hesitate to call the police and file charges.

6. If your teen is angry enough to threaten, or attempt, to injure you or family members do not hesitate to call the police and file charges. If needed leave the house and call from a cell phone.

7. If your teen threatens, or attempts, suicide get them immediately to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation. NEVER ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.

Note from Rocco: Wow. That was another Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. If I missed anything, anybody, or got something wrong, (that is par for the course) or you just want to comment please do so at the bottom of this post or send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com

THANKS - LETS DO THIS AGAIN

Thanks to our PSST Pros for putting this ALL together and FOR being there for us.

Thanks again to all who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. When you look around the room you will see a lot of parents nodding in agreement and understanding of where you are coming from.

Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.

The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday December 11 from 8:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090

Note that we are starting an hour early so we can continue our PSST 7th Anniversary / Holiday Celebration. Feel Free to bring your favorite breakfast/Brunch, dessert or lasagna to share.

PSST is always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.

C'mon and join us. You have nothing to lose but a lot of chaos, anxiety and sleepless nights.

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