Eight Things I Wish I had Learned Sooner About Having a Child With a Drug Problem
This is a condensed version of a post written by Lori, a long-time member of PSST. To read her original post click on "8 Things I Wish I Knew"
One thing I have learnt is that we cannot do this alone. We need outside help to guide us, lead us, and train us on how to deal with given situations that will one day lead our children to a healthy clean life...
The Juvenile Court of Allegheny County is the best-kept secret we have in Western PA. They are a team of trained professionals that are dedicated to treating the youth in our area. They work long hours, are there for our kids day and night, and are very competent in what they do. In addition, they have access to some of the best facilities in the country.
1. Do not try to fight the disease of Addiction alone.
How do we deal with our feelings of being parents of a drug addicted teenager? It isn’t easy. Regardless of where you live, how educated you are, how competent you think you are, how good of a parent you are ---- You are in way over your head!
You cannot do this alone. You cannot do this in isolation. Just as you cannot treat your child for cancer in secret, in isolation, alone….you cannot treat your child for this disease of Addiction in secret, in isolation, alone. Addiction is a disease with no known cure and it can be a fatal.
2. There is effective treatment available and to help the treatment work you have to stop enabling your child.
There are treatments. These treatments may make you feel uncomfortable, even pained at times.
First Step: You need to stop enabling your child’s drug use.
You will need outside guidance to prepare you on how to employ the various techniques that will lead your child back to a healthy and clean life.
3. There is help out there and The Juvenile Court of Allegheny County is the best-kept secret we have in Western PA.
So, where do we go for help? Go to the authorities; the school; the police, Act 53 counselors, the magistrate or whatever avenue you want to take, but get your child into “The System”.
The Juvenile Court System of Allegheny County is the best-kept secret we have in Western Pennsylvania. They are a team of trained professionals that are dedicated to treating the youth in our area. They work long hours, are there for our kids day and night, and are very competent in what they do. In addition, they have knowledge of, and access to, some of the best facilities in the country.
Before I placed by son into “The System”, I did everything I could to avoid placing him into the juvenile court system. That was my major mistake.
Pennsylvania has some of the best recovery programs in the country. However, with many of these programs, you must be court-ordered. Otherwise, the program will not admit your child. I did not understand that at first. It is not easy watching your child proceed through these programs, but you must get your child into a long-term placement facility so that the behavior modification and recovery treatment can begin to work for your child.
4. You must turn your authority over to the experts who are directing your child’s care and recovery.
As a parent, you will need guidance and support to help your child to maximize the benefit of their recovery programs. You will need to work with the experts to direct your child’s care and recovery.
Your child will usually try to convince you that everyone involved in these programs are incompetent and are not helping. They will continue to manipulate you in order to support their addiction. You need to learn to recognize this and how to try something different, something uncomfortable, to help them.
5. Remember, you will always be an important part of your child’s life and a very important part of his treatment. You are on the treatment team now!
Remember you are still their parent and they are still your child.
While working through the recovery process keep the communication lines open, no matter how hateful the conversation may become. You need to be in control of your conversations with your child. If a conversation begins to become unconstructive, you can end it with a calm comment about how much you love them and that you can talk again when they are having a better day. Then walk away and wait for that better day. Have faith that a better day will come. It will. It may take days, weeks, or sometimes months, but a better day will come.
6. You must regain your own life - Detach With Love.
As your child works through their recovery, you need to work on getting back to your own life. Through the years of dealing with your drug-addicted teenager, you have lost yourselves in their drug addiction. This is called codependency. It is important to regain your own life.
Go on vacation with your spouse, a friend, your other children, etc. Do lunch with friends more often. Take a course at college or on the Internet. Volunteer for a committee. Proceed with your life and gain moments of comfort, satisfaction, and peace away from the issues of your troubled teenager. This is called detachment with love.
You don’t forget about your child, but you need to provide your child with a good example of what living a normal life looks like.
7. Hold onto some of the anger because sometimes you will still need it.
One trick that I have in getting control of noise in my mind, setting aside my fears and getting control of my emotions so that I can “think straight” is what I call, Hanging onto the Anger.
I do not mean that we strike out in anger, but use it in a constructive manner in order to provide strength to do what you must do.
Nothing can bring us greater joy than our kids can. There is truly nothing better in life. In fact, I think life would be very shallow without the joy that our children have given us.
However, at the other end of the spectrum, no one can get you angrier than your children can. Your spouse may run close second, but your kids are the winners in the anger category.
The drug addicted behaviors, the extreme defiance, the lies, the stealing and the chaos.
And the moments of extreme anger.
Why - Won’t - He - Stop! Why does he continue to rip us apart? I don’t even recognize him anymore. What is happening to him? What is so very, very wrong here!?
Well, now we now know the answers to all those questions.
Our teenager is not the typical teenager who is just spreading their wings.
Our teenager is not the adventurous teenager who may be taking more risks than you would like him to take.
Our teenager is not going through some “drug experimenting” phase and all will be okay when it is over.
Our teenager is not one of many others that we know who did just that – And they were just fine!!
Our teenager is a Drug Addict.
Our teenager needs help.
Our teenager needs treatment.
Our teenager needs long-term treatment.
You are a critical part to your child’s survival of their Addiction.
So, hang onto that anger and remember it when you need the strength for that little extra push.
8. Come to terms with the loss of your child’s teen years.
There is one last thing that we must come to terms with; the loss of our child’s teen years.
Our times with our teenager has been consumed with their drug addiction. Many of the “typical” teenage experiences that we wanted for them, and for us, will never be.
He will not have any friends from high school that he can keep. We may never have that picture of him with his prom date. We may not have a senior picture to distribute to family or attend a high school graduation. We may not be visiting different college campuses. We probably will not be organizing a graduation party. We may lose his teen years. That will never come back.
But we may still have our child, clean and alive.
The drug recovery process will not bring back our teenager and all the memories we should have had. We need to mourn that, and then let that go.
We need to allow our child to become a functioning adult. We need to allow him to grow-up.
So now, it is your turn.
Get your child into the Juvenile Court System and into a long-term recovery program anyway you can.
Get him arrested if you need to.
Build your own support network, with parents in similar situations.
Work with experts who can give you solid advice; Drug abuse counselors, your child’s probation officer, family therapists, doctors, etc.
Become familiar with Halfway houses and consider the option of your child moving there upon release from the recovery facility to transition their way home.
Come to terms with your feelings and fears so that you can set them aside and make sound decisions that are critical to saving your child’s life.
PSST is here to help you through all of these steps. There is no cost and no obligations. We are not here to judge you, we are here to help you.
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4 comments:
I like #7. It's always a good question, "What do I do with the anger?" Well, as Lori says, hold onto some of that because you will need it.
Eventually you realize that your teenager is an addict and as you may feel guilty about being angry. After all he has a disease; however, guilty feeling can lead us back to more enabling.
Sure we hope to be able to forgive. We are working on that. In the meantime try to clearly remember those most horrible moments. Maybe he stold your irreplaceable jewelry and sold it! Did he steal and wreck your car? Did he break into the neighbors house? Maybe you found some horrible texting in his phone. If so, hold onto those text messages so that you can reread them when you feel weak.
It can help if you write a Letter to the Disease. This is where you can put those top horrible moments to good use. Instead of guilt you can choose to feel empowered.
For more on this you can do a search in the upper right hand window of our blog for "letter to the disease". By writing some of these events into a letter to the disease you can empower yourself even further.
Thank you Lori, Llyod, and Rocco for your postings . True to standard, this blog continue to provide words of strength and reality, especially after many sleepless nights. I have learned so much. I was successful in finding the required additional K2 evidence in our home . Unfortunately Herman decided to get high on Xmas Eve, when his PO and Wesley Spectrum counselor are on vacation. Your words could not have come at a more appropriate time for me, and I thank you for your posting. Just as our addicted teens cannot stay sober alone, we parents need the support of others.
I am sitting at the computer with a heavy heart. It is so darn hard to really, really admit to yourself, as a parent, that your son is an addict. It is the last thing in the world you would wish on your kid.
It is exponentially easier to redirect my anger at Rocco. To get mad at him if he says something negative about Cisco. Even though what he says about Cisco is true. It is difficult to face the reality of the situation.
Your timely post, was once again an eyeopener for me. Cisco did all the things you mentioned above. I have to remember that he did those things. I need to harness the raw emotions that his stealing and lying caused. I need to harness those emotions of anger and turn them into empowerment. I can do it, even though it hurts and takes a long time for me to process, I can and will do it.
Rocco, thank you for all of these, but especially for #8. We have 3 boys who were "supposed" to all graduate high school at the end of this year (twins and a singleton who is a year ahead). Your posting gave words to my thoughts that one of the twins will have no grad photo in the yearbook in June as he was out of the house for the last 7 weeks due to drug use & violence against family members. His brother's grad photos will be in the year book...them dressed in their suits; while this son's "grad" photo will be the one taken in September for his bus pass.
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