Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 10 parents representing 8 families. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some new parents again.
Each of us had an opportunity to talk over our own situation and issues. We discussed teens that twist things around on their parents, teens that may be “experimenting” with drugs, spouses that obstruct our efforts to get help for our teens, teens that turn to alcohol, teens that are about to go into an inpatient recovery program and teens that are about to come home from an inpatient recovery program. We also went over some ways that we can get our point through to our teen without prolonged discussions, outbursts or arguments.
We would like to recognize a very special grandmother who joined us. She has dedicated her life to intervening for her children and grandchildren. She has certainly dealt with all of the above issues and more. Now she is dealing with recently telling her granddaughter that it would be best if she didn’t return home following her inpatient recovery program. This grandma is wise enough to know that there will be too many familiar triggers for her granddaughter to relapse at home. Her strength and dedication to her family is a tremendous inspiration to us all at PSST. Thank you for coming back and sharing with us. It was good to see you again.
Following is a synopsis of our three role plays. Please note that these are not supposed to be actual transcripts. But if I missed some part or idea please feel free to add a comment below.
Our first role play gave us a new twist on how to deal with our teen when we have a less than cooperative spouse.
If your spouse is not cooperating or is part of the problem; here is a way to handle the situation.
First, have a talk with your spouse when your teen is not there. Explain how you intend to handle the situation. This gives your spouse a chance to get on board. If the spouse still disagrees with what you say or does not want to cooperate; Try the following:
In this role play, the mom is the Concerned Parent, the dad is Mr. Uncooperative and the teen is named Jonnie.
Mom: (Looks directly at the teen. Even though Mr. Uncooperative is standing right at the teen’s side do not even look at him. Focus on the child.) “Jonnie, let’s keep this short. I know that you don’t like long lectures.”
Jonnie: “You got that right! All you ever do is blah, blah, blah, blah…”
Mom: “You know something, you’re right. Sometimes I do go on too long. So I will keep it short. You have missed two days of school. You WILL get up on time tomorrow. The alarm is set for 7:30 a.m. If you are not up by 7:40 I am going to pour cold water on your head to get you up for school.”
Dad: (laughs and mocks mom) “You can really act crazy sometimes dear!”
Mom: (Do not even acknowledge Mr. U. Keep your cool and do not break eye contact with your teen.)
Jonnie: “Dad is right, you ARE crazy mom. We are doing jack shyt at school now because it is the end of the year.”
Mom: (Stay focused, lean a little closer to your teen and say in a calm, firm voice.) “Regardless Jonnie, you need to be up at 7:40 a. m. to catch the bus on time. If you are not up and out of bed by 7:40 I am pouring cold water on your head.”
Dad: “Let the kid alone. No wonder he is so nervous. You make everybody nervous with all your dumb rules. Everybody skips out on a few days at the end of the year.”
Jonnie: You’re nuts. I will call Youth Services on you. I’ll have them arrest your a$.
Mom: (keeping eye contact with Jonnie only) “Never the less, you have been warned about tomorrow. (Still focusing on her teen) Your father is wrong. You will get up on time and you will go to school tomorrow. This discussion is over. Do you have any questions before I go?”
Jonnie: “Sh-y-t no.”
Mom: “Okay Jonnie, thanks for listening (Be the first to walk away).”
Mom: (calmly and directly) “Pebbles I can’t find my widget. Do you know where it is?”
Pebbles: “Sure always blame me first! Did you even ask Jonnie? Why would I even want your stupid widget?”
Mom: (lean towards your teen) “Listen Honey, I don’t want to waste a lot of your time. I know you are angry because we won’t let you go to Wilma’s party. Just tell me where my widget is so we can get this over with.”
Pebbles: “Well it IS really stupid that I can’t go to Wilma’s party. What’s your problem anyway? She has been clean for almost a month. Her mom said it is okay.”
Mom: (do not take the bait) “We already discussed the party thing, Pebbles, that subject is closed. Now get me my widget so we can both get back to what we were doing.”
Pebbles: “Even if I knew where your stupid widget was I wouldn’t tell you.”
Mom: (stay calm and lean in a little more) “Well let me make this clear. I need my widget and I need it NOW. Either I get my widget or (insert an appropriate consequence here that you know you can go through with).”
The important theme here is to calmly stick to your point, clearly state what you want. If your teen will not cooperate spell out a consequence, stick to your word and end the conversation quickly.
We discussed how some of us will sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that we can magically convince our teen to see our side if we just talk long enough. In reality after a few minutes our teens are in “Charlie Brown Land” and all they hear from us is “Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla…”
Counselor: So how are things going this week? (Wilma studies her nails)
Mom: “Pretty well mostly. Wilma does not like going to her meetings but she made one. She is still not doing all that well at school. I arranged for her to be tutored after school but she has been skipping it a lot.”
Counselor: “How are things going at home?”
Wilma: (Wilma does a big eye roll) “Same as always. Things will never change because she won’t change. I work my a$$ off in my program and all she does is b--ch at me. She has no idea how hard it is. She will never change.”
Mom: “Well Wilma has a hard time getting up on time for the bus in the morning and I usually need to ride her to school late. I don’t think she even considers that it makes me late for work. And it’s mostly because she is on her cell phone until 1:00 o’clock in the morning. I keep telling her to get off the phone and shut off her music and get some sleep but I might as well bang my head on the wall. Also, I have asked her to stop hanging around with her friend Pebbles. I don’t think Pebbles is a good influence…”
Counselor: (Looking away from Mom) “What do you think Wilma. Are you having trouble getting up.”
Wilma: “Well, yeah! Her and Dad drive me crazy. They like have all of these lame rules and they are like always yelling at me. They call me a stupid addict. They are, you know, like the main reason that I feel like using. They drive me f---ing crazy. They will never get it. I hang out with Pebbles ‘cause like she is like the only one who understands me. We really need each other to talk to ‘cause like her Mom is like psycho too. So I am on the phone trying to calm her down and this b—ch is like in my face screaming at me to get off the phone, and like Pebbles is talking about running away or something. It is always the same bullsh-t with those two.”
Counselor: “Wow, it sounds like you had a really rough week.”
This is where we as parents usually want to blow up on the counselor and our teen and twist both of their necks. But this is where it is time for Mom to do the TWIST!
Mom: “You know something honey you really do have it rough. It is true that sometimes with my job and taking care of your brother and sister and everything else I forget to tell you how much I appreciate your situation. And I am going to try to change. I am going to pay closer attention to what you are doing and who you are hanging around with.”
Wilma: “Yeah sure we’ll be like best friends, huh? You’ll just keep yelling at me like the crazy b—ch that you are.”
Mom: (leaning closer to her teen) “No honey. I don’t want to be your best friend. I want to be your mom. And you are right, I do need to change. I really need to stop worrying so much about hurting your feelings and work more on stopping you from hurting yourself. I think that we can start by taking away your cell phone. And then Dad and I will need to come up with a good set of rules in our house. Thanks for helping me see what a b—ch I have been. But you know honey (lean in a little closer) I will try my best not to raise my voice any more. But I will continue to be a crazy b—ch if that is what it takes to keep you clean.”
Sally and I have found that the more we practice role-plays the better we are at thinking on our feet when confronted by our teen. When we both react quickly and consistently we keep the power.
Remember our two favorite words NEVERTHELESS and REGARDLESS. Try to get BUT totally out of your vocabulary. Or as one of my favorite people loves to always remind me “Everything you say after the word BUT is BS.”
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, June 19 at the PSST meeting at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (There is free parking in the back lot).
Let’s Do the Twist – A Summary of the June 12 PSST Meeting.
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, June 18, 2010
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