Summary of June 19th PSST Meeting - by "Max" Posted by:Sally--Sunday, June 20, 2010

A Tale of Three Moms - Summary of June 19th PSST Meeting by "Max"

Today was a great PSST meeting at Outreach Teen & Family Services in Mt. Lebanon, even though there were only 3 moms in attendance. We missed all our usual attendees; NEVERTHELESS, the small number allowed each of us to give detailed updates with lots of helpful insights from Lloyd, as well as many more donuts to choose from.

1. We discussed a mother who made sure her son was placed into an inpatient recovery program despite complications from her ex-husband.
2. We had an update on the progress of two brothers in their recovery program.
3. We finished up with a discussion on a daughter who has relapsed.


One parent brought us up to date on her son's placement at Abraxas. We discussed how complicated and difficult it is for her to have an ex spouse who continually tries to place blame with counter-productive comments. Lloyd helped her to TAKE BACK SOME CONTROL by blocking this block-head's number, and refusing to respond to the negative and most unhelpful comments.

I brought the group up to date with my son Michaels' release from the Academy and immediate entry in to PHP Gateway, and my other son David's release from this same Gateway program, and his upcoming school plans.

Much of today's focus was on a mom and her daughter, who I shall dub Candy and Tori Spelling for anonymity and simplicity purposes only (there is no resemblance whatsoever - its' just a famous mom and daughter combo)!

Candy and her husband Aaron are once again dealing with Tori's drug use. Tori has been in and out of 2 rehab programs, always doing well initially, but too quickly falling back into using.

Tori just graduated from high school, which was a big accomplishment due to this up and down school year, and all the celebrations that Candy and Aaron were so anxious to participate in was clouded over by Tori's most recent drug use, hence, non compliance with her home contract. Candy and Aaron are NOT enablers; even though it pained them, they showed Tori the door, and changed the locks. Tori is now couch surfing and partying, but her money is running low. Everyone is worried and sad, especially because a big family trip is to take place soon. Should Tori be allowed to come? What if she doesn't show up? What if she comes and ruins everyone's time? What if she goes through withdrawal while everyone is sitting in the sun, relaxing? What if she tries to bring drugs and gets screened at the airport? These and other questions were discussed by the group, facilitated thoughtfully by Lloyd.

It was time for a role-play.

Candy agreed that she and Aaron really want their daughter to join them on vacation -hopefully they would bond over the week and have some much needed fun together, which in turn would help them set the stage for serious discussion about the future when they got home...Lloyd suggested a contract of expected behavior on the trip. If Tori really wants to go, she will take the contract to heart, and try to comply. If she fears she cannot live up to the expectations, she will screen herself out, but not before her parents express their sincere desire for her to be with them:

Candy: (showing up unexpectedly at Tori's workplace) Hi, honey, how are things going?

Tori: what do you care - why are you here?

Candy: Well, I just wanted to stop by (the goal is to be brief and business-like) to remind you that our trip is in 2 weeks; we know there are family issues (talking in generalities so Tori doesn't get defensive and rage at her mother) and it's been tough lately. NEVERTHELESS, we wanted you to know that Dad and I love you very much, and we really want you to come with us on vacation.

Tori: I don't believe you - you are just trying to control me again like you always do.

Candy: Tori, you're right, I am controlling about certain things. (STOP TALKING! LET TORI MAKE THE NEXT MOVE!)

Tori: well, are you going to be psycho-mom and follow me around?

Candy: (LAUGH! ADD HUMOR!) You are so right about that! I do act like "psycho-mom" sometimes! The best part about that though, is I will be psycho-mom in a bathing suit on a beach at the ocean!!

Tori: You are so not funny. I can't stand all your rules. I suppose you are going to have a curfew for me there too!

Candy: You are right again - (pulls out a very simple, brief and to the point contract of expectations while on vacation) Dad and I wanted you to have a copy of our family vacation rules, so there would be no misunderstanding of what we expect; remember, we will be in a foreign country with another family!

Tori: (glancing at the contract) this totally sucks! I'm 18 now, I can drink legally there - are you going to try and stop me?

Candy: Tori, Dad and I are going to trust you on this one (Throwing Tori a huge curveball - telling her they will trust her to follow the rules!). As I said, we really want you to come - we just wanted to let you know what the rules will be. If you are coming, and we hope you do, please be home to pack and do laundry no later than Thursday - we don't want to miss that plane!

STOP TALKING AND LEAVE - Tori needs to sit with this surprising turn of events that caught her off guard. Candy and Aaron have accomplished many things in this conversation.

They have agreed with Tori almost every time she speaks.

They have expressed their love for her and expressed an honest desire to reconnect and have some family fun.

They also told her in as few words as possible, that if she comes she must follow rules of no drugs, alcohol and respect curfew and family time.

Tori will have to think twice before responding. Assuming Tori does desire to go on this trip and reconnect with her family, she has been made aware, in writing, of expectations. No one discussed what will happen if she doesn't comply - Candy and Aaron will want time to explore their options, and shouldn't give an answer to "what if I don't..".

If Tori passes on this trip, it will be painful, but no one is telling Tori she shouldn't come; Tori is taking herself out of the vacation.

If Tori opts out, we suggested to Candy that perhaps she could find a trusted friend of Tori's with whom she can exchange texts or calls just to check in - Candy and Aaron deserve to relax on this trip!!

Our sincere thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. Outreach Teen & Family Services is a community resource for young people and their families, fostering emotionally healthy teens by providing counseling and educational programs in a welcoming and supportive environment.

The next meeting is scheduled for Saturday July 3rd 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.

Please check the blog for updates.