What a week! Bam Bam has been doing everything he can to get kicked out of Bedrock Manor. He told us on Sunday that someone told him that we could get him out even though he is court ordered to be there. I did confirm with Betty that yes I do have legal custody but if Bam Bam’s behavior got him to the point where he was asked to leave Bedrock Manor we would go to Plan b, c or d and he would not come home. As I’ve said before he cannot come home, not yet when he would not be able to cope with the triggers at home and in our community. And his behavior is not acceptable and of course he can be threatening. On Tuesday the fearless Act 53 coordinator, Betty, met with Bam Bam and his counselor, Ann Margrock.
Tuesday night Fred and I went for our family meeting. Bam Bam was calm even pleasant. Prior to the meeting his counselor told us that he was told in no uncertain terms when he met with Betty and her that his behavior would not get him home but would in fact result in other less pleasant (for him) consequences. She said his behavior was much better that day and he even smiled a genuine smile. What a miracle! He also was saying he’s just going to get his GED but they told him he should just work on school work towards his diploma as he couldn’t get his GED until June 2012 when he would graduate. I already knew this from his Guidance Counselor at his home school but he obviously didn’t remember this. However, he still has to do school work at Bedrock Manor. He was being non-compliant so he wasn’t earning any brownie points. I also had a call on Tuesday from cyberschool about his work not being done and that they were going to be sending out a truancy letter. He had some classes where he hadn’t done any work since March. He would pick and choose what to work on even though we all were telling him “this is not what you are supposed to be doing.” I brought this up to Ann Margrock as Bedrock Manor was supposed to have informed cyber school but we agreed that the information hadn’t gotten to his cyber teacher yet that he was in placement. Cyberschool is withdrawing him and we already got the labels to send everything back. Just a note here that this isn’t always the best option even though at the time it seemed to be our ONLY OPTION.
When Bam Bam joined us we talked a little about when he comes home (why do we have to talk about that now all the time??!!) and his friends. He can’t understand why we don’t like his friend Eddie Haskell who I have been finding out has in own little drug empire running out of his basement. On our A,B, C peer list Eddie is on the D list. (We were working on this in MST which is closing this Friday.) The counselor suggested that Eddie would have to prove himself to us the parents before any contact between the two. I have to say I am not on board with this idea yet. We discovered that Eddie was at our house when we weren’t home a few weeks ago. Bam Bam said he wasn’t but we told him we have undisputed evidence that he was in our home so Bam Bam said we must have hidden cameras in the house!!! How Big Brother of us!!! I had also said that I would speak with the parents of any friends he would see on his return home and Bam Bam and Fred thought this was a little harsh. Bam Bam thought it would send red flags and cause trouble for his good friend, Dino’s, parents who may not know he has smoked (supposedly in the past) and drinks. I don’t see a problem with talking to the parents so I’m on my own on this. All four us also talked a little about the school thing. Anyway, we get through the meeting and now its time for family programming. We go into the cafeteria and Fred is on alert because the chairs are arranged in a circle and this can only mean on thing-talking about feelings!! We find out the topic is communication so he leaves to sit in the car. I tell the guest speaker that I’ll just be mad on the way home and she said don’t bother getting upset about it , not worth it so I took her advice on the drive home and kept my blood pressure under control. Parents are brought in and then our wonderful off-spring. The evening counselor tells me that Bam Bam is refusing to come to the program did I want her to try and persuade him but I said no it’s not worth it. That is just what he wants anyway is someone to try and talk him into it and I’m not playing. So I stayed. Initially I was the only single attendee but another boy left the communication circle so then there were two of us on our own.
Wednesday night we get a call from Bam Bam ( I was surprised as I didn’t think he had phone privileges) and of course he’s getting tiers for nothing, everyone is against him, he’ll go to any other rehab, if I don’t get him out he’ll run (which I would like to see as I don’t think he would know how to get home from there.), his medicine isn’t working, they changed his sleep meds now he can’t sleep, etc, etc, etc. He got a lot in in 10 minutes. He did remain calm, though, and didn’t use any profanity with me. I told him I would talk to Ann Margrock on Thursday. So this morning I call and guess what? He has used profanity against one of the staff, earned three tiers yesterday, isn’t happy, not cooperating, wasn’t supposed to be able to call so that is getting looked into and told her I’m getting him into another rehab. Not the same kid from Tuesday. And I’m not surprised. I’m just glad it’s not happening at home.
I do feel better than I did now that I know if he succeeds in his quest to get kicked out of Bedrock Manor he isn’t coming home but will be referred somewhere else. And I’m not bringing him home. We have our alternative plans and I will follow through. For right now this is not the best place for him to be. He will be 17 in a few weeks and that is hard thinking of him spending his birthday in placement but he did put himself there and I have to remember I am trying to save him so I am determined to not be sad he is there but be happy that he is alive.
Wilma
WILMA WONDERS about WEEK 2 OF BAM BAM’S ACT 53 PLACEMENT AT BEDROCK MANOR
Posted by:Sally--Friday, June 03, 2011
Wilma Wonders - When Did My Son Begin Using
Posted by:Sally--Friday, June 03, 2011
I recently had someone ask me "when did it start or I suspect it started" regarding Bam Bam's use of weed and whatever else he was doing.
So I gave it some thought and here is what I came up with.
At the end of 9th grade, end of May 2009, Bam Bam was avoiding all of his friends. He finished up school and spent about the next 8 weeks or so not going anywhere. He spent all of his waking moments on xbox live playing video games with his cyber friends from all over the country. I was really worried about this.Was he becoming "that kid" who ends up living in the basement and never going out again? Fred was glad because he didn't have to worry about what Bam Bam was up to and we didn't have kids in and out of our house feeding and watering them all summer. Also at this time Bam Bam decided to take a break from tennis clinics after playing for the high school boys team and doing a good job that spring. The friends would call even stop by to check on him but Bam Bam didn't budge. I had even called the mother of one his good friend's and she didn't know of any event that occurred but her son was also worried about him. I suspected that he was avoiding them because he didn't want to smoke weed or whatever else the kids were doing. A few months prior to this I had seen a text message from one friend asking him if he wanted to smoke and Bam Bam replied he didn't do that. He adamantly denied that the reason he never left the house was to avoid his friends. he said he just didn't want to go out. So I worried and fought with him when his talking on xbox would wake me up at night while I was trying to sleep.
Then about the beginning of August he started hanging out with his friends again. initially it was his old friends couple of who I knew had tried weed but I wasn't too concerned because didn't Bam Bam tell them he didn't do that? And don't teenagers experiement and try things?? The mom I spoke to earlier in the summer had confirmed this with her daughter (the girl's brother would confide in the sister who would pass on any pertinent info to the mom.) and I was relieved. At this point he still had some contact with some of the 'good" kids that i knew and knew the families.
Then he started hanging out a lot at Eddie's house. He would go after school and didn't resume tennis clinics. Fred was glad because, of course, all the kids weren't at our house.
Then his behavior started getting worse. i attributed this to ADHD and a teenager with hormones. Homecoming October 2010 was a stressful event. I was glad he was going, doing something normal teens do. Shoudn't this be fun?? However, his behavior was awful- very touchy when I'd ask simple questions like what color is the dress? Why do I need to know?? I did realize boys don't understand it's all about the girl, the dress, the flowers, etc. but I didn't know if his reaction was "normal" or "over the top". I found out later that that night the kids had been drinking and smoking pot. The boys had been worried that Bam Bam's date, Pebbles, was dying because she was throwing up so much after drinking a lot from a "handle." (which I found out was a bottle of booze with a handle - I was learning a lot). Another mom told her son they should have called for help. They waited until the early hours of the morning to call Pebble's mom. She was o.k., and is actually a very good athlete. And I do like her but, of course, I don't trust her.
Later that month we witnessed Bam-Bam's first major explosion. It resulted in his punching a door and breaking his hand. In January the mom of the friend I mentioned earlier confirmed with me that Bam Bam was smoking weed. I immediately called his psychiatrist (med management) and made an appointment to meet with his therapist. I confronted Bam Bam about the weed smoking at the therapist appointment. He of course downplayed it all and after we left was furious that I confronted him there and not at home. I wanted to be in a place with a professional as I knew he would be working on talking his way out of it but he did admit to smoking weed. Through "D" day in December of 2010 (his admission to a psych hospital for 3 weeks) his behavior worsened, more door punches, explosive behavior, secrecy, room fresheners - all the signs that your child is using/abusing drugs. I didn't know this until after he was hospitalized in December 2010 and I did my research and found PSST. In November 2010 we had him to the hospital twice. Once just to be drug tested which cost me $700! We also had an occasion where we had to call the police. Then on December 2 Bam Bam was once again supposed to be at Eddies and Fred gets a phone call that Bam Bam was picked up for shoplifting and to come and get him. Fred picks him up and they are arguing in the car so Bam Bam gets out. Fred comes home but gets worried about Bam Bam so goes back out and finds him walking on the road in the freezing cold and brings him home. Bam Bam is full of riteous indignation. He wasn't shoplifting the other kid put the stuff in his pocket ( a light bulb and cheap pair of head phones). The 18 year had a can of compressed air. Eddie didn't have anything so no parents called for him (He is either 15 or 16 years old). The store didn't call the police so the 18 year was released and as Bam Bam was 16 a parent had to pick him up. Fred signed some papers and they left. About a month later we get a letter addressed to Bam Bam's parents that we owe $160 in damages relating to this incident. I didn't fight it as I figured whatever Fred signed (and he didn't know what he signed) it was probably accepting responsibility for Bam Bam's actions.
The morning of December 3rd Bam Bam refused to go to school. I called the police and he became enraged, running around the house throwing stuff, threatening to kill himself, threatening me. Finally the police get there. Bam Bam is transported to a community hospital and then transferred to the psych hospital. After 3 weeks he comes home and we begin the next phase of this journey. MST, outpatient rehab, ACT 53 and now in-patient rehab.
Would things have been different if he didn't begin his friendship with Eddie?? That is where I know he met up with a lot of the kids that became his new using "friends". There is no parental supervision ( I discovered) and also from meeting the dad a couple times I think the parents don't really care what is going on in their basement. Kids coming and going and not knowing who is there or what is going on. And then of course we find out the kids don't always stay there and he's out with kids I have no idea who they are, where they are from and some of them are several years older.
Or, was this Bam Bam's destiny and if not through Eddie he still would have become addicted/dependent? He still kept some old friends but they were the ones that I know did use or try stuff. He stopped hanging out with the good influence friends. I also discovered some kids that had been friends in middle school that he wasn't supposed to be with were back in his life and social circle.
I'll never know the answer to that and I try not to dwell on it but can't help wondering what if?
Wilma
Big Interest in Technology post by Ralph Kramden and K2 post by Rocco still all time tops
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, May 29, 2011
I am rewriting this post after somehow by adding another graphic I ruined it. So, if it looks a bit different there you have it. I cut out the middle graphic because it gets too complicated for me to keep it straight.
The first graphic shows How the Technology post by Ralph Kramden soared to the top of the hits list this week with readers. First, it is well written and anyone can understand it because it is not written "technical" even though it is about technology.
Second, people want to know this stuff. I know I had no idea how cheap this tracking technology has become. In face, I had opportunity to be at Ralph's house and he showed me how cool it is that he can see exactly where his son's vehicle is parked in a large parking lot and he can view logs of his son's destinations and stats about his speed. Click on the graphic to enlarge.
Find original post here: Technology and Your Teen by Ralph Kramden
The Second graphic shows our all time posting list. The K2 post by Rocco is still king of posting reflecting also on the interest of our readers and how well organized this clearing-house of information post was put together. It is so easy from that post to jump to the sources.
Find original post here: K-2, Spice, Yucatan Fire, Sence, Chill X, Genie - What is it?
Bam Bam's Third Week in Placement ~or~ When Do I Get to Relax?? written by - Wilma
Posted by:Sally--Friday, May 27, 2011
Tuesday evening we went for our weekly family meeting with Bam Bam's counselor. As usual we have to talk about when he comes home. Then he started talking about things he deserves such as getting his ears pierced, getting a tattoo ( he is 16 and needs parental approval for this!), He said I'd probabaly say no since I go to Lloyd's classes (his rep reaches far and wide!) and that the mother of his new friend at Bedrock Manor also goes to Lloyds' classes and that we are learning all kinds of stuff to make their lives miserable (thank goodness for PSST)!!!
The counselor pointed out that he has to follow our rules and that me and his dad have to discuss these issues and he will have to abide by our decisions. The friend thing came up again which is always stressful. Then we find out that Mr. Jackson agrees that Bam Bam gets a 2 hour off-grounds pass the next day. What?? I'm not ready for this. Since its only two hours we can't come home so the plan is to have lunch close by, maybe shop and then go back. After the family meeting it's time for family programming.
The topic this night is emotions. I have to tell the counselor not to call on my husband or single him out in any way or he will leave and go sit in the car. She has to know that we are trying to show a united front for Bam Bam but since Fred is pathologically uncomfortable in these types of situations he will bolt and doesn't care what anybody thinks.Thanks for the stress, Fred.
The kids are brought in and we are told to sit in our family units and given groups of index cards with emotions on them. We are to discuss among ourselves when we last felt the emotion which included sad, happy, guilty, etc. Then we would have a group discussion. We talked a little but then Bam Bam decided he needed to badger us (especially me) about getting his ear pierced, tattoo and then he told us how when he comes home he'll be getting a new phone! Well... I told him that when he comes home he won't have any phone, he was going to have to earn that privilege back. Bam Bam is mad!! He starts on how that is not fair, he deserves it since he's been locked up, he had to do this before and he shouldn't have to do it again and on and on. He got up and left so we left too. I thought for sure he wouldn't get his pass but he did.
Now its Wednesday and we pick Bam Bam up and go to the restaurant. Its tense, we all order, and then it starts again. Same topics as the night before and then he adds that he'll probably get 4 hour pass next week so he wants to come home for a couple hours (travel time is usally 1 hour one way). Starts dictating what he is going to do on the pass-listen to music, surf the internet, buy Lil Waynes cd on-line. Well, I tell him he won't have access to the internet so now he's mad. I'm telling him no way, Fred says I'm talking a little loud so I told them I'm not talking about anything at all. More tension.
Bam Bam then asks us if he tells us something would we tell the counselor and I tell him of course so he shouldn't tell us. He does anyay. He also takes this opportunity to tell me yet again it's my fault he smokes. Now this is the place where in hindsight I think we should have cut the visit and taken him back. But we didn't have a plan before the visit since it was so unexpected ( I didn't think his % was high enough). And only that morning I searched the blog and found the post with baker's dozen list of pointers. And so we give him the control and torture ourselves.
Bam Bam is complaining that his shoes are tight so rookies that we are we go to the store. I have to take Bam Bam myself as Fred has a bad knee so I told him he could stay in the car. We are just going to measure for shoes and I was getting him a pair of shorts. however, in the store he starts again!! All the same stuff but then he adds how I owe him a shirt for the drug shirt I threw away, and I owe him more for his birthday and he deserves more-I felt like I was about to have a stroke. I tell him to stop but of course he can't/won't. We left the store, going back to Bedrock and as we are passing a different store Bam Bam says can't we stop and see if they have the shoes he wants and tell I him NO I already said we ARE NOT GOING INTO ANOTHER STORE!!
I couldn't get back fast enough. He knows I am pi$$&*d so on the way back and while we are walking through the parking lot at Bedrock he starts back pedaling and says he doesn't need that particular shirt, and oh I did get him enough for his birthday, etc,etc. I think he realized I'm reporting back to Miss Margarock exactly how things went even though of course its all my fault -as usual.
I decided that if Bam Bam is eligible next week for a 4 hour pass I am not taking him out for it. I told his dad if he wants to go for it but I am not comfortable taking him out and subjecting myself to 4 hours of badgering. I'm not doing it.
After we take Bam Bam back and we are on our way home I have Fred stop so I can get some water to take something for my breathing and anxiety. Am I having a stroke, heart attack or anxiety attack? I can't stand this and will it ever get better? I hope so. I'm thinking on the ride home that I am absolutely not going back to the life that was like this all the time and usually worse. We'll see what next week brings.
I did call the counselor to just let her know that Bam Bam confessed to calling a friend from the facility and punching a hole in a wall. Not sure if he is telling the truth or not but I am not keeping secrets with the counselor. He had also told us another kid gave him a stamp so he wrote a letter to his drug dealing friend "Eddie". I also told her I wasn't comfortable with taking Bam Bam out again next week. I did tell her about how he thinks he can call the shots on the home pass and of course she says no way. However, I want to be prepared for the next one and have the rules spelled out IN WRITING for Bam Bam so there are no surprises and that he knows if he can't abide by the rules he can choose to not take the pass or if he is on the pass it will be cut short.
WHEW! What a couple days. At least today was quiet with no phone calls. Maybe I'll get to relax for a little bit after all! I decided to go to our family (immediate and extended) weekend in Cook's Forest next week.
Wilma
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Comment on Feeding the Enemy by Wilma
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 26, 2011
I just found this post while looking for off-grounds passes and find it very interesting. When I say during our family meetings that i'm not comfortable with my son's friend's especially a certain one I know is selling drugs out of his basement my son's counselor will tell us it is up to the friend to prove to us that he can be trustworthy. That we will have to compromise when my son comes home. However, I agree with points in this post that the friend's are triggers.
I know this as fact. The minute my son got out of the house the first time we had him in treatment (3 weeks in psych hospital, IOP , then partial) he was with his old friends and using. My husband would drive him to a friend's house and then he would always end up somewhere else. He was forbidden to go this particular friend's house and we busted him there. The only way to keep them apart is basically to keep my son on house arrest. We are early in the second round and I don't know what we are going to do.
I don't know if the counselor wants my son to think we are compromising on "Eddie" when the reality is that he probably will never try to meet with us to prove himself. I just don't know what is going to happen but the friend's issue is so important as from what I can gather he has used with every single one of them. I'm not moving so my plan right now is to keep him away for as long as possible. And I don't see why I should be expected to compromise on friends that I know are completley untrustworthy. Thanks for the helpful information.
By Wilma on Feeding the Enemy.
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