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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
As we are all worrying and praying for Dylan's safety and Jen
& Brad's peace and comfort during these very, very difficult days I thought
I would share a bright light and hope for the day.
FaceBook post by Andy last evening:
"Eating Chinese with my probation officer. Life is Good!"
Never, ever, ever thought we would witness this :^)
This is the fruits of PSST and an excellent Juvenile Probation Officer.
Come to our next PSST meeting in Wexford on Saturday 11/10/2012.
Trinity Lutheran Church 9 AM - 11:30 AM
Cheryl, Jim and Andy on the blog
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Parents of Teen Drug Addicts and Alcoholics Tell Other Parents What NOT To Do
Borrowed from drugrehabtreatment.com
By the time their children enter treatment for substance abuse, most parents have been through a long nightmare of constant worry and heartache. Other parents may fret about SAT scores and college choices – these parents worry if their children will live to see their sixteenth birthdays.
What went wrong? What do parents regret the most? In long interviews with a dozen or so counselors who work in therapeutic boarding schools and wilderness programs, there were some answers. Although each family’s situation is unique, nevertheless certain themes keep reoccurring.
“I wanted to believe her so much” is a constant theme. Often there is a long history of lying, even about small things. One parent put it this way, “I’d ask, ‘Did you clean your room?’ and she’d lie. ‘Did you do your homework?’ she’d lie. ‘Will there be parents at the party?’ she’d lie. ‘Are you using drugs?’ she’d lie. I’m not a stupid or weak person – I just wanted to believe her.”
“I allowed my teen to manipulate me.” One single mother rued the fact that she had overly adored her son and allowed him to “work her” ever since he was little.
“He knew how to pull my strings,” she said. “When he told me ‘Drug tests would destroy the trust between us,’ I fell for that.”
When parents finally own up to the fact they have been used and manipulated, they usually feel betrayed and angry. At that point, they can begin to work through old negativity and develop honest and open communication with their child.
“I should have set stricter limits.” Parents often regret that they allowed their teens to make too many of their own decisions about issues like marijuana, drinking, and sex. They may not have realized that their child was facing a totally different, more dangerous culture than the one of their own youths. They believed in giving children freedom and choices. Now they wish that they had given their child more direct guidance and specific information about the dangers of drug use. They wish they had set and enforced stricter limits
“We let the problems in our marriage ruin our child’s life.” Parents often feel guilty that they did not understand how deeply their fighting was affecting their child. “We were so preoccupied with our own problems that we neglected his,” is a frequent theme. They often come to realize in therapy that their child was acting up to unite them.
If the couple is divorced, then they often believe their separation caused their child’s problems. “He didn’t have a Dad at his soccer games” or “She did not have Mom to help her get ready for a prom” are the kinds of things they bring up in therapy.
“We spent too little time with our child when she was growing up.” Parents often believe that they contributed to their child’s problems by working too many hours, traveling or volunteering too often. They regret that they kept too busy to pay attention to what was happening to their child, and that they allowed things to reach a crisis level.
“We let our child’s situation become too desperate.” Parents often regret that they didn’t want to “rock the boat.” By not taking control of small problems, they allowed them to grow bigger. Often out of shame and embarrassment, they endured years of one bad event after another before getting help. Their child was in front of criminal courts, expelled from school, involved in car wrecks, ran away for weeks at a time or even dealed in drugs. These parents keep living the nightmare too long before seeking help.
The parents of teen alcoholics and drug users have heartbreaking stories to tell. No parent wants to believe that they raised a drug addict or alcoholic.
Their emotions range from anger and betrayal to sorrow and powerlessness. It is hard to absorb the depth of their pain.
However, their stories are worth repeating here – if just one person reading this article recognizes his own situation and gets help.
PLEASE COME TO OUR NEXT PSST MEETING AND LET'S DISCUSS HOW TO DEAL WITH OUR TEENS.
THERE IS NO COST AND NO OBLIGATION - WE ARE NOT HERE TO JUDGE YOU, WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.
Thanks to Drug Rehab Treatment Centers - Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation Young Adults - Teen Substance Abuse
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Lloyd passed along the following document of Internet Acronyms that parents should know. These are not the usual LOL or BRB acronyms that most of us are familiar with - personally, I've never heard of most of them before. My personal favorite is KPC - Keeping Parents Clueless. See how many of them YOU know!
Click here for the Top 50 Acronyms document.
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Thanks to Jessica, who sent in the following link. This
article from KDKA Pittsburgh warns about the latest drug-related danger in our
community.
Click here for the article.
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Addiction and "Logic"
Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Addiction and "Logic"
"A person who tries to understand addiction using intellectual logic will become frustrated and feel manipulated by the addict."
"We can sum up emotional logic in the phrase 'I want what I want and I want it now.'"
One of my favorite PSST-isms is "We are good parents; we are not good parents of addicts."
As noted above trying to use our "logic", or "common sense", with our out of control teens can lead to disappointment, frustration, exasperation and anger. It very rarely works. In fact we have come to learn that our teenage addicts are very adept at turning our "logic" or "common sense" around and using it to manipulate us. Below is an interesting explanation of an "addict's logic" vs "our logic".
Emotional Logic
The Addictive Personality - Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken - Hazelden 1988
Addiction starts out as an emotional illusion that is entrenched in the addict before others around the addict or even the addict himself realizes that an addictive relationship has been formed.
The addict starts to build a defense system to protect the addictive belief system against attacks from others, but only after the addiction is well established on an emotional level. On a thinking intellectual level, the addict knows that an object cannot bring emotional fulfillment.
Alcoholics have heard the old saying "You can’t escape into a bottle." Workaholics know "there’s more to life than just work." Addictive spenders understand "money can’t buy happiness."
The illness of addiction begins very deep within a person, and his or her suffering takes place on an emotional level. Intimacy, positive or negative, is an emotional experience that is not logically evaluated. Addiction is an emotional relationship with an object or event, through which addicts try to meet their needs for intimacy.
When looked at in this way, the logic of addiction starts to become clear. When compulsive eaters feel sad, they eat to feel better. When alcoholics start to feel out of control with anger, they have a couple of drinks to get back in control.
Addiction is very logical and follows a logical progression, but this progression is totally based on what I call emotional logic, not intellectual logic.
A person who tries to understand addiction using intellectual logic will become frustrated and feel manipulated by the addict. This is partly why talk therapy (talking one-on-one with only a counselor and without a support group) is so ineffective in convincing addicts to end their destructive, addictive relationships.
We can sum up emotional logic in the phrase "I want what I want and I want it now." Emotional needs often feel very urgent and compulsive. Emotional logic works to satisfy this urgency even if it is not in the best interest of the person.
For example, a compulsive gambler tells himself he is done gambling for the week. Shortly, however, he has a rough day at work and feels uneasy, so he looks over his racing form to try to ease his feelings, still telling himself he won’t gamble anymore this week. While reviewing the racing form, he starts to hear his emotional logic telling him he has found a sure bet. "Why didn’t I see this before?" he says. "It’d be crazy for me to miss this opportunity!" Thus, he becomes pitted against himself ---- one side believing in his "sure thing," the other reminding him of his promise not to gamble for the rest of the week. Inside, the emotional pressure builds. Because addiction involves the deep need to have emotional needs met and emotional pressures relieved, he finally must give in to his urge, especially after he has convinced himself he would be stupid not to grab this opportunity.
Emotional logic pits the addict against himself or herself.
In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a sentence that reads, "Remember that we deal with alcohol ---- cunning, baffling, powerful!"
This is also one of the most truthful ways to describe the emotional logic found in all addictions: ---- cunning, baffling, powerful.
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In early October, our Parents of the Year spoke at the Allegheny County courthouse, where they also received recognition for their award. They did an encore performance at the following week's PSST meeting, but for those of you who missed that, the speech is attached here.
Click here to download the speech.
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The Parents of the Year award will be presented to JESSICA & ROGER on Thursday, October 4 at an awards ceremony beginning at 6:00pm at the Allegheny County Courthouse. In addition, Bam Bam will be there to receive the award for winning the essay contest.
Congratulations to all!!!! Anyone who would like to be there to cheer them on is invited to attend.
There will also be a celebration for Parents of the Year at our next meeting in Wilkinsburg on Saturday, October 6.
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Healing Grief
Posted by:Sally--Monday, October 01, 2012
Someone handed me a small pamphlet called "Healing Grief " by Amy Hillyard Jensen.
I'm in a state of mind that others cannot understand. I probably would have tossed it in the garbage can except the person who gave it to me is a dear friend who recently lost her 32 year old daughter. Maybe, she does know, a little bit, what it feels like to have Cisco snatched up and forever gone from view.
When I was particularly low and did not know what to do to console myself, I read the pamphlet. It contained the basic clinical study of bereavement; Shock and Disbelief, Anger, Guilt, and Sadness and Depression.
Rocco and I are going through all of those emotions, except depression. We are fighting hard to ward that one off. There was one verse that was extraordinarily helpful: "Don't try to get around the grief. Instead, have the courage to go into it. Let your heart break. That will bring healing."
Click hear to read a related post called "Dealing with O.D. and Death"
It was thoughtful of Kathie and Lloyd to plan an additional PSST meeting for this month. We sincerely thank them and all of you who showed up (and we understand those who wanted to but couldn't make it on short notice).
It takes a load of courage to face the death of one of our children. It was very helpful to tell our story to you and we had more to tell except that I could not bear the sad looks on your faces as we spoke. It reflected our sadness back at us. I guess I was trying to get around the grief instead of going through it.
For now we will take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, knowing that you are all there beside us when we need a helping hand.
Sally
"Get rid of imagined guilt. You did the best you could at the time, all things considered. If you made mistakes, learn to accept that we are all imperfect. Only hindsight is 20-20. If you are convinced that you have real guilt, consider professional or spiritual counseling (with a competent and trustworthy counselor). If you believe in God a pastor can help you believe also in God's forgiveness." - Amy Hillyard Jensen
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Thanks to Wilma, who provided the link to this article, part of a series in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette.
Click here to link to the article called
Heroin's Siren Song: The effects of a child lost to addiction
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'Smiles': The New Killer Drug Every Parent Should Know About
Click here for the online article from Yahoo Shine.
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A NOTE TO PARENTS:
Drug Lingo - Know What to Listen for
Have you ever heard your teen reference the time "4:20?"
Many parents don’t realize that 420 (pronounced "four-twenty") is code for a time to get high.
The reference to 420 presumably dates back to '70s stoner lingo but is still widely recognized by the youth of today. Some people have even designated April 20th as "National Pot Smokers Day."
If you hear your teenager reference 420, see that he is using the term while instant messaging with friends or has a 420 sticker on his car or backpack, call them on it.
When it comes to teens and drugs you will never know everything but you don’t want them to think you are an idiot. You need to keep communication open and be aware of the dangers of the Internet and texting.
Let them know you know what they are talking and texting about and set up a time for a longer conversation about your family’s No Tolerance Policy for drug and alcohol use.
Search for drug street terminology and slang on the internet and do not be shy about checking your teens texts, tweets, Facebook and computer use.
For a start check the following sites:
iMOM.com - A Guide to Teen Drug Slang
webMD.com – Teen Drug Slang: Dictionary for Parents
uatest.com – Drug Slang Terms
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Cisco 1992 - 2012
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, September 06, 2012
We will always have our regrets but we will always thank God for the 20 years we had with our beautiful son Cisco. He fought hard and now he is at peace and in God's hands. Our most sincere thanks for all of our good friends at PSST and their prayers and thoughts and their love.
Sally and Rocco
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could of done to save my child from death, I would of done it.
Just for today I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would make my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
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To Rocco & Sally
Posted by:Cheryl, Jim, Andy + 3 Stooges--Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Read this quote and thought instantly of you. Your gentle ways of helping us all in PSST with the knowledge you have gained through your journey with your beloved son, Cisco.
"The
first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence,
the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice,
the fifth teaching others."
Solomon Ibn Gabriol
A Complete Standing Ovation to you both from all the PSST parents you have touched at the meetings and through the website; and when you are ready, we hope for an encore! You still have so much to teach us.
Our most sincerest condolences & sympathy to you and your family,
All the PSST Parents
(cheryl, jim & andy)
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In Memoriam
Posted by:Jenn--Saturday, September 01, 2012
In Memory of Cisco ~ beloved son of Rocco & Sally
Those
we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity. - Terri
Guillemets
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Join the Parent Survival Skills Training support group
on YAHOO Groups & start your conversation today!!
If you've ever come to a PSST meeting, then you know that it is an
invaluable resource for parents who are looking for help with their out-of-control
teen. PSST goes beyond the typical support group and offers role plays and
advice from the Dream Team of Lloyd, Kathie, Justin and various other
professionals who give up their Saturday mornings to attend. If you attend, you
also know that PSST is a place where every other parent knows, to some extent,
what you are going through and is there to offer support without judgment.
What if:
· The support and advice you find at the PSST meetings were available 24/7?
· You could post a question to the other parents or professionals, ask for advice, or simply connect with others who understand what you are going through?
· There was a way to have a virtual meeting during the "off" weeks when there is no real meeting?
I guess you know where I am going with this. The Yahoo
"Parent Survival Skills Training" group is that place. It's easy to
join and closed to anyone outside the group, so your family's anonymity is
protected.
It's easy to join:
·
Sign up for a Yahoo account
· Click on "Groups"
· Type in "Parent Survival Skills Training" in the search box. You will see the PSST logo. Click on that group and click "join". The administrator will add you to the group.
OR . . . just enter your email address below and click on the Yahoo Groups widget!
We hope to see you there!
Brigitte
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FROM THE PITTSBURGH TRIBUNE REVIEW 07-31-2012
 Summer is Peak Time for Substance Abuse
Parents, watch out: Your kids ages 12 to 17 are more likely to start abusing substances during the summer than at other times of the year, according to a report from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
On an average day in June or July, the report said, more than 11,000 adolescents use alcohol for the first time, with December being the only comparable month. During the rest of the year, 5,000 to 8,000 adolescents drink for the first time.
The pattern is the same with cigarettes, with about 5,000 youths smoking for the first time in June and July, compared with 3,000 to 4,000 the rest of the year.
It’s also the same with marijuana, which more than 4,500 youths start using on an average day in June and July, compared with 3,000 to 4,000 the rest of the year.
Experts say that the free time of summer, which often includes less adult supervision, leads to the increase in substance use. Administration officials recommend that parents talk to their kids about the dangers of substances. — Staff and wire reports
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PSST meetings are so very helpful, not just for learning techniques and
skills in working with your teens in a non-combative and non-physical
way - but for helping the parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and
guardians learn to cope with the constantly changing scenarios these
teens go through.
A few weeks ago I went to a PSST meeting for help with my anger, frustration, and disappointment with Andy for being removed (FTA'd) from his Half-Way house for fighting. He spent 4 days in the Juvenile Detention Center before an alternative placement could be found for him.
The incident occurred while I was on vacation with family and Jim only told me over the phone after I had asked a direct question regarding Andy. We all know that feeling of our hearts moving from our chest to the new position - at our feet on the floor - when we hear disappointing news about our children. Addicts or not!
Jim & I chose not to visit Andy in the Juvenile Detention Center. He needed to sit and reflect on his actions and life track he has forged since 2009.
I was dead set on not visiting Andy at his new facility for a few weeks until I had the title role in the PSST Role Play session. After going back and forth with Andy (wonderfully played by Lloyd) regarding who, what, when, where and why this recent incident occurred and where were all the coping skills he has learned in the placements he has been in since 2009. I realized - I WAS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM! I am sick and tired of learning the new rules, levels, steps of placements, visiting time and days, phone privileges, etc. I just don't want to do this anymore; Andy please fix yourself and let us all go on with our lives.
Impossible! Andy cannot fix himself; if he could I am sure he would have done it by now. NO ONE wants to be an addict or have a mental disorder. Andy is very comfortable and happy at his new residence and is always upbeat and pleasant during our phone calls and visits.
Andy is doing just fine! I am the one with the problem...hmmmm...who is the adult here? The role play helped me put my anger and disappointment aside and be the parent Andy needs me to be. Jim & I are all he has. We ALL came to the conclusion last year that we would no longer go toe-to-toe with the dual disorder behavior and resulting legal actions. The three of us will stand beside each other through our life struggles.
I went with Jim the next day to visit Andy and I am so happy I did. I got to tell Andy exactly how I was feeling and that I wasn't going to visit him until I was an active participant in a role play and realized that I was the one with the problem regarding his new residence. Our visit was very nice and the three of us got to talk about some very important issues.
Plan to attend any of the meetings and see for yourself the brainstorming and role playing that takes place each week - The next meeting is Saturday - August 4th at the Juvenile Probation Office in Wilkensburg. ALL ARE WELCOME!
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TOUGH DECISIONS
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, July 11, 2012
We will be telling our son he can no longer live at home...Help & Support Needed!
I am a recovering woman with 21+ years clean. My family, out of desperation, love, and fear, "protected" (read enabled) me and my addiction for many years. I, of course, was infuriated when my parents finally told me I was on my own, to live or die as I chose, but that they were going to have a life free from the chaos and drama of my disease.
"How could they do that to me if they loved me?" I thought.
I faced reality for the first time, and recognized I was in trouble. As long as they paid my rent and phone bills, bought me food and expensive treatment programs, I never had to see how my life had deteriorated.
I honor my parents for doing what must have been excruciatingly painful and sad ~ separating from my disease, and choosing to get healthy themselves. They provided a beautiful model of how to deal with a grave problem, and, when I was finally ready, I followed their example, and began to get better.
I celebrate, with enormous gratitude, my daily reprieve from the horrors of active addiction into the gorgeous light of freedom.
In loving service ~ Meredith D. ~ Clean date 03.15.91
Condensed from FAMILIES FACING ADDICTION Blog
ARE YOU SICK AND TIRED OF THE CHAOS AND CONFUSION OF YOUR CODEPENDENCY?
PLEASE COME TO OUR NEXT PSST MEETING AND LEARN TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENABLING BEHAVIORS SO THAT YOU CAN HELP YOUR CHILD TO RECEIVE THE TREATMENT THAT THEY NEED.
THERE IS NO COST AND NO OBLIGATION AND NOTHING TO LOSE BUT THE INSANITY IN YOUR HOME.
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Don't beat yourself up!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, July 08, 2012
This is a message that we have worked on for the last several meetings; especially, at Eastern this last Saturday we put several role-plays together and asked parents to practice "Don't beat yourself up," with "You are tough and I'm sure you'll find a way to work things out."
The ideas behind these two powerful messages are:
1. If you tell someone not to beat themselves up over something it is implied that what they did rose to the level of what one would normally beat oneself up over.
2. It takes the teenager by surprise because his expectation is that as parents we would always want him to beat himself up over screw-ups and, in fact, until he is ready to beat himself up, we'll be happy to do it for him.
3. It appeals to the oppositional defiant nature because of course anything we tell our teens at the point where they fail at something is going to be disregarded. If they disregard us telling them not to beat themselves up then it stands to reason that they would indeed beat themselves up. Sometimes it becomes a game: we try to "save" the teenager by pressuring him to change and he resists by refusing to really change although he teases us by flirting with change.
4. It address the reality that in most situations with teenagers who are in trouble with drugs and with criminal behaviors, it will be the natural or even imposed consequences that they learn from, not our lecture or our verbal attack. In fact, our lecture or verbal attack can if anything interfere with the life-lesson and build resentment in our teenager.
5. Of course, at the point of failure our teen may be asking parents to bail them out of something or other. Hence, our second message, "you are a tough strong capable human being and you'll find a way to get through this." In this way, we might say "don't beat yourself up" but we are not taking any enabling actions that the teenager may ask for that rescues them from their situation.
Let's see how this might play out in a role-play:
Mom: [visiting daughter at Shuman] Hi honey, how are you?
Teen: Oh you know, this place sucks so bad! Do you see that staff over there? She told me that she knows I'm just a rich preppy from the South Hills and she can't stand spoiled brats like me! Do you think staff have any business saying stuff like that and in front of the other girls???
Mom: That sounds like an awkward situation!
Teen: Well duh! What am I supposed to say to that?
Mom: I don't know. I don't even know what to say about that one.
Teen: What do you mean you don't know what to say?
Mom: Well I've never been up here and I don't know what that's like.
Teen: Have you made those phone calls I told you to make?
Mom: Oh to your PO and to the Judge?
Teen: Yes!
Mom: Well yes I called your PO and he said it's "going to take some time."
Teen: Mom! Do you know how long I've been up here?
Mom: Way longer than we thought you'd be up here!
Teen: That's right! Hey, if they can't find a place for me then I guess I need to come home.
Mom: Boy, that would be nice. I wish it was that easy!
Teen: You could get me out of here if you wanted to. Or even just get that staff person we talked about suspended if you wanted to. If you really wanted to you could do a lot of things to help me out, but you don't want to help me out. You don't love me anymore and you're just going to let me stay up here until I rot. Rot, Mom do hear me I'm rotting away up here, are you happy now??
Mom: Yes. I suppose I am. Not very, but yes I'm happy now.
Teen: What! What do you mean you're happy "not very" but you're happy?!?
Mom: You wouldn't understand. Nevermind.
Teen: Mom! I want to know, what the hell do you mean you're happy now?
Mom: Well, I'm happy you're safe from your drug problem for the time being.
Teen: I'm rotting away up here mom didn't you hear anything I said?
Mom: Sure honey, but I think you're a lot tougher than you give yourself credit for. You're a survivor honey and you'll figure out how to get by up here, I really believe you are a very strong person.
Teen: [glaring]
Mom: For example, you are so much better at handling all this than I would be. I'd be completely a basket case up here I mean not being able to use the phone, not wearing make up, not even wearing my own underwear! I couldn't handle it. But you're not like me. You're a lot tougher than I ever was and I believe in you. I really do.
Teen: None of my friends could handle being up here either!
Mom: I know, that's what I'm saying.
Teen: Still, Mom IF you wanted to you could do SOMETHING!
Mom: Well thanks for saying that.
Teen: Thanks?
Mom: You obviously think I'm a very very powerful woman and you know what, sometimes I am, but I'm just saying that's nice of you to say.
Teen: So?
Mom: So?
Teen: So what are you going to do?
Mom: Oh, well you're right you know about what you said.
Teen:Huh?
Mom: I am happy you are up here. I've been so crazy thinking that this drug problem is going to kill you...
Teen: [rolls her eyes]
Mom: No really, I woke up two nights ago in a cold sweat. I had to tell the undertaker what kind of arrangements I wanted for you and I just couldn't decide anything and he was saying, "the people want to come in and pay their respects, is it the blue room or the gold room..." and I couldn't even decide that. My heart was so broken and I didn't know how the hell I was going to ever bear loosing you to this drug problem- so yeah, you're right, I'm happy your're up here and even if that staff over there is the MOST unprofessional person in the world at least my daughter is alive and I can come to Shuman and play Spades, which by the way, I had no idea was this much fun to play!
Teen: I'm done talking to you. It's like talking to a wall, you know that don't you? Now I have to figure out what to do up here, how to handle these people and how to get accepted into a program somewhere.
Mom: Don't beat yourself up over this.
Teen: What?
Mom: Just don't be too hard on yourself. You made mistakes. You'll learn from them and you'll end up being even stronger, you know, especially if you find a way to get a handle on this drug problem. I just know you can do it. Your not the only kid whose made big mistakes you know.
Teen: Yeah. I guess so [smiles]
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Sally-
We have our ACT 53 hearing with our son next week. We have to tell him later this week which we are worried about. Do you have any advice or tips?
I have read a lot on site and it describes what we are going through to a T.
Signed ~ A Concerned Parent.
First of all, I want to say Welcome and Thank You for reading our Parenting Blog.
As you can tell by the posts, you are not alone in your fight against wreckless behavior. I posted your email because I wanted to open your question up for comments. I am sure there are many parents who have petitioned the courts with Act 53 and then had to break the news to their teen. You do not say exactly why you are going to court; however, I assume it is because of illegal drug use.
I saw in your email that you live quite a distance away. I believe it would be worth your time and effort to make a day trip to come to a PSST meeting. They are run by a very experienced and helpful (and entertaining) P.O. of the juvenile court system and by an equally experienced and helpful social worker from Wesley Spectrum. These two people, Lloyd and Kathie have been instrumental in keeping our teen alive.
Your would find much support at PSST and the other parents would applaud your decision to seek help through Act 53.
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There is an old Zen story about two monks who meet up with a woman in their travels, and one of the monks helps her across a river, even though they are not supposed to touch females. Later that night, one of the two monks suddenly bursts into anger at the other one, exclaiming that he should not have carried the woman across the river. The monk replied: “Perhaps I shouldn’t have….but you are still carrying her.” (click here or on picture to the right to see the page that I copied this from. I've heard this story before and I've always liked it.)
We've talked about how to minimize resentments in teenagers. Let's talk about the resentments that a parent hold towards the teenager. The best thing about it is to first realize that you've got them. Just admit it. Some things hurt and it is very hard to let go of them especially when your teenager may not have made the big change yet. Even if he has made a turn-around in his life, resentments can linger. What to do about them...
As I just mentioned, first, admit that you have resentments. You need not admit it to your teenager right away but admit it to your spouse, your best friend, your therapist, your clergy and it goes without saying that in order to admit it to any of those people, you have admitted it to yourself.
Second: recognize it as your problem. It's actually not your teenager's problem. As long as you see your resentments as your teenagers problem you miss the boat. The resentments that you carry, especially over long periods of time, are your problem. You have to decide what to do with them.
This is not to say that you have not been injured. If your child has stolen the family heirlooms, which are irreplaceable, and especially if this teenager is probably the one who would have inherited the same family jewels or whatever, then, yes, you have been robbed of the pleasure to give them to the person who stole them. That really hurts and if we have not had that done to us, we don't know how much it hurts.
Having said that, even families that do not have a chemically dependent or otherwise drug abusive or delinquent teenager have resentments to deal with. It seems to be the human condition.
Still, each of us will ultimately decide whether to carry these resentments for long periods or to get over it. Life is not fair. We are all dealt bad hands in different ways and in different periods of our lives. Therefore, it follows that every one of us could choose to carry deep resentments, or not.
While getting rid of resentments is easier said than done, the important thing is to get the process started by admitting that you have them and take personal responsibility for still carrying them.
While your teenager may not be the first one you admit this to, it is sometimes appropriate to express resentments to your teenager that clearly indicates that you take responsibility for it. At the same time, you are modeling for your teenager what to do with resentments. If what you show is how long you can hold onto a resentment, then don't be surprised when your teenager grows up into someone who can also hold on tight to resentments. And we all know that teenager resentments can often be targeted at parents.
Dad: Son, we need to talk. Is this a bad time for you?
Son: No, Dad this is OK, what's up?
Dad: Well, Son, it's like this - you know all that stuff you did during your active addiction? The stuff I keep bringin up and it feels to you like I'm just stuck in the past?
Son: Yeah, of course. You need to let that stuff go Dad.
Dad: Exactly, I need to do that. I'm working on it. But Son, I'm struggling with that.
Son: What do you mean?
Dad: I guess I have a difficult time letting go of resentments.
Son: Oh. Yeah. I know you do. We'll i'm trying to do what I can to change now and it's not fair to keep bringing that stuff up.
Dad: I agree.
Son: You do?
Dad: Right, I do and I need to do a better job with that.
Pause
Dad: So listen, I'm working on not bringing it up...
Son: [interrupting] You mean not bringing it up or not bringing it up three times a day, cause that's what you do you know!
Dad: Ooooo, OK, that's a zinger! Maybe I deserved that. Anyway, I just wanted to clue you in that sometimes, when it looks like I've got no big reason to be upset, I'm struggling with resentments and even though I may not bring the old stuff up, I'm feeling a loss or I'm remembering something that hurt.
Son: Like what do you mean?
Dad: Well, you know how you studied Triggers in rehab? Things that could set you off and make you feel an urge to use drugs?
Son: Yes, Dad I know what triggers are, [rolling eyes] please you don't have to explain that to me!
Dad: Well, Duh! I guess you do know about Triggers! I have seem to have triggers that bring out my bad feelings. Like for example, that argument we had last night when you didn't want to be home by curfew and how you told us that you didn't care what we said, that you would come home when you damn well pleased!
Son: Yeah, but I came home! Geeesh, I was just mad! Didn't I make it home on time!
Dad: Well yes you did. And I think that is the important thing. Not the hurtful things you said to us on the phone - the big thing is thought it over and you came home on time!
Son: Right!
Dad: But that whole conversation acted like a trigger for me and sudenly I wasn't just dealing with your disrespectful attitude on the phone last night, but I was remembering so many of the disrespectful things you used to do and all the hurtful things you used to say to your mother and I- the name calling, the swearing, the slamming of doors, and even the way you used to steal from us- like my radio that you sold for drugs and stuff like that.
Pause:
Dad: See, even though you made it home on time- and that's the important thing here- I struggle today- so I don't mean to keep bringing this stuff up- but if you see that I'm not cheerful, that I sort of have a little chip on my shoulder, just understand that I'm working on it and it will pass. I'll get a grip on it and don't think for a minute that i'm not still way proud of you and of all the hard changes you've made in your life to get to this point. Heck, four months clean is no small accomplishment. And I know it's not always easy for you either.
Son: Yeah. It's hard for me sometimes. But Dad can I say something?
Dad: Sure.
Son: That stereo was a dinasaour!
Dad: I know. It sure was! I bought that in college Son, and I guess that's part of the problem. That stereo had a lot of good memories for me.
Son: Well it wasn't going to last for ever you know.
Dad: Good point Son. It might have just died on it's own and I guess eventually it would have died anyway.
Son: Right!
Dad: Yeah, maybe, but it didn't. I guess knowing that the money that you got for it- what, you told us like 25 bucks? Knowing that that money went to buy drugs for my son, that's kind of is still hard for me, like as if the good memories I used to have about that stereo are now sort of chased away by the bad ones. You know it was my first major purchase as a young man! Still, I know that holding onto that resentment is really stupid of me. So, that's what I mean- I'm working on it- OK?
Pause
Dad: Anyway, I might be thinking about something like that and you just think I'm being a jerk. I just wanted to tell you that it's my problem, I'm working on it, and I'm sorry if sometimes I come off like an old nag about things.
Son: OK, well OK, thanks for clueing me in Dad, I'll keep that in mind.
Dad: Thanks Son, Thanks for listening.
Son: Ok, is that all?
Dad: Yep, that's my big speech for today! Nothing more to report until my news conference tomorrow morning at breakfast!
Son: OK.
Dad: By the way- thanks for listening Son. And don't forget I am way more proud of you than I am resentful and every day I think it gets better!
Third: Quit giving your teenager everything he wants. The more you give, the more they take advantage and sometimes, the less appreciative they are and the worse you feel. The vicious cycle goes like this. We give in, our teen does not appreciate it, we feel even more resentful. Or we don't give in, we feel guilty. Try feeling guilty a little more often. You'd be surprised how much faster it is to get rid of a little guilt than it is to get rid of a little resentment.
In other words do the best you can to stop enabling your teenager. For more on this click here.
Fourth: Direct some of your resentments towards the disease of addiction that your teenager may have, rather than towards your teenager. Write a letter to the disease. Read it to your teenager. This is a way to let them know how badly you feel about the way things have gone, without attacking them. And it's more than a theraputic gimick. this disease is trying to kill our teenagers.
Fifth: Pursue your own happiness. Don't let 90 percent plus of your focus and your energy be about your teenagers, regardless of how well or how poorly they are doing. Teenagers learn from our example. Keep things in perspective. Look after your own friendships, hobbies, career goals, church activities, etc. Volunteer to help other parents who are going through something similar to what you went through. The healing power of one parent helping another through the emotional minefield of having teenagers with drug problems is very powerful. Often it's the parent who reaches out to help who feels so much better about things. Twelve step has a saying: "You have to give it away in order to keep it."
Lori talks about this better than I can. Please read Number Six in Eight Things I Wish I Had Learned Sooner About Having A Child With A Drug Problem: By the way, I hear that Lori and her Son attended our last PSST meeting, that I missed, and that they are supposed to attend our 8-15-09 meeting in Mt. Lebanon. Lori has written a lot for our blog and you click here to go to one of her popular PSST posts Losing Your Teenager and Gaining an Adult -
Sixth: We cannot forgive others until we have forgiven ourselves. Just something to ponder. I think it's a challenge that we all have. I like the things that Dr. Wayne Dyer says about it here.
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Aggressive Teens
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, June 10, 2012
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We talked about aggressive teenagers at the Wexford meeting on June 9. It's not that aggressive teens always assault, but that they intimidate by presenting a threat that they will be "out-of-control" and, moreover, that it will be their parent's fault that they are "out-of-control."
They let it be known that you have upset them so much they might not be able to contain themselves. Usually there is a history of throwing objects, breaking things, punching holes in the wall, and/or assaulting parents. We came up with a do's and don'ts list.
Of course this is a serious problem for which professional help is always a good idea. Getting an assessment through a professional therapist or psychiatrist may be a good first step.
Also, as a parent you know your child best. If anything on our list of Do's and Don'ts seems like it would be unsafe and might provoke your teenager to assault you, then use these ideas cautiously or ask for support from a trusted source before you implement any of these ideas.
Still, there are times when it is not possible to utilize professionals, or when professionals have been consulted and the problem persists. In these cases Parents need to know what is effective to decrease this angry behavior. We believe that used "over time" these ideas will decrease this threatening behavior.
First, once the teenager elevates his interaction with intimidation, do stop talking about whatever it was that brought you into this situation. Don't continue to discuss his curfew violation, suspected drug abuse, plans for the evening of which you have not and will not approve, or whatever. These are no longer the important issues. It's no longer about the 20 bucks he was trying to squeeze out of you. Instead, do pay attention and do speak to the real issue at hand, vis-à-vis, he is attempting to intimidate you.
Secondly, Your teen may have learned that he can sometimes get what he wants when he intimidates you. Don't give in to him because if you give in to him when he is in this state you reinforce "the monster" in him. That means you will see that monster again soon. Once you see the monster come out you can not afford to reinforce it.
Thirdly, Do use good strong, but not loud, voice and body language. Lean into his space a "wee bit." Half an inch should do it. You are not trying to promote a temper tantrum, you are attempting to short-circuit one, but it is important especially in light of his assumed threats to show that you will hold your ground and no better way to show that than by taking a wee bit of space.
Fourth, Do tell him you can't stop him from flipping out. Or tell him that you can see that he is about to flip out, that he is working himself into a temper tantrum. Now we are trying to trigger the oppositional side of him, but in a good way. We want him to prove us wrong, i.e., he won't flip out.
Fifth, Don't try obvious means by which to stop him from flipping out. Saying things like, "you need to take a deep breath," or "you need to calm down right now or I'm calling your PO" are obvious attempts to short-circuit his temper tantrum and that usually triggers the "oppositional response." Instead, saying "I can't stop you from flipping out, can I" while leaning in to take the wee bit of space might trigger the oppositional response in a more favorable manner. In other words, he thinks that you have assumed that he is going to be out-of-control and now he might choose to prove you wrong by maintaining control. Instead, if he continues to escalate, tell him that if he has to have a temper tantrum, then let's get it out of the way right now. If this is said, calmly, purposely, and with conviction, it may surprise him and he may surprise you by "proving you wrong" and not having an outburst.
Sixth, What if he does "flip out?" Have a plan. Know what you will do. How bad does it have to be before you call 911? If you have to call, tell the police that "I need an officer to keep the peace as soon as possible." Whether or not you use any of these tips so far, you still need a plan for when he does flip out.
Seventh, Don't keep it secret. Don't give the impression that you will keep it secret. This comes up more in the contrite side than the intimidation side but it could come up in either. Both drug and alcohol issues and abuse issues (yes, your teenager is abusing you) thrive in secrecy. Once the light is shed on the behavior and the PO, the teacher, the police, the close relatives, even sometimes the teenagers friends parents, know what is going on and your teenager learns over time that you refuse to keep such behaviors secret, he begins to think twice before acting out in this manner.
Eighth, Don't use a threat to address a threat. This may sound like a contradiction to number six where we discuss how important it is to not keep secrets. The difference is you tell the PO, you don't threaten to tell the PO "if you don't calm down." By threatening to call the PO you do two things that we don't want to do. One, we trigger the oppositional nature and not in a good way. Two, we IMPLY that if he calms down we will keep a secret. That is the slippery slope we are trying to avoid.
Ninth, If your teenager changes course and he steps back with his body posture in some manner, don't continue to take a wee bit of his space. You've made your point now it's important to remember that you only use as much force as you need to get his behavior back in line. When power is overused it causes resentment. Yes, taking a wee bit of his space is power. It is a very forceful technique. If your teenager says he doesn't want to talk about it now and he wants to be left alone, then agree that this is not the right time and "we'll talk about it later." Do not pursue him into his bedroom to "talk it out." That might be what he wants you to do really, but that will almost always backfire. Just give him his space. It's the respectful thing to do anyhow.
Tenth, Be aware that for some of our abusive teens, there will be a contrite side where they are sorry and they want forgiveness and with that secrecy. This is a cycle. Abuse, feel sorry, beg forgiveness, and over time abuse again. Try not to provide a lot of attention during this phase either. Attention is the most powerful reinforcement and reinforcing the contrite behavior in some way also reinforces the aggressive side of the teenager. The teenager has perhaps learned that he might receive intimacy and attention by employing intimidating, threatening behavior followed by remorse, tears, being sorry, and begging forgiveness and perhaps secrecy. Just say it isn't a good time for you to talk about it or say that you forgive him and leave it at that. This is a bit redundant, but don't promise secrecy. It might be best if you have already notified whomever he wants you to keep the secret from. Use email or voice mail to get that done so that it is clearly no longer up for discussion.
Eleven, When our teenagers are "sorry sorry sorry" sometimes there is also an implied threat. Be aware of that and be ready to address that. Things can switch from Contrite Phase to Abuse Phase really fast.
Teen: Mom, it's going to make me really angry if you can't even forgive one broken chair! That chair sucked! That chair is so old your mom even thought it was an old chair. Don't blow this out of proportion Mom cause I don't think I could handle that. Oh, what you are still going to tell my PO? Oh then I might just as well kill myself cause my life is over if he takes me to Shuman. Is that what you want? You want me to be taken away? That's what you wanted all along isn't it? What's more important Mom? Me or the chair? Do you want a kid on drugs or a kid breaking chairs, cause your bull$hit makes me want to get high!
At this point, switch back to talking calmly, take a wee bit of their space, and say things like, "I'm not sure I can stop you if you are going to get worked up again" or for the suicidal threat, "I'm glad you are talking about this, are you feeling like hurting yourself now?" and follow that up with a trip to the ER of a hospital if necessary. The trip to the ER shows your son that you take his safety seriously and that you aren't afraid to make a call that is going to further upset him. If he is manipulating for power he may find out that doesn't lead to the kind of pay off he is looking for and those threats of suicide may stop. Even if you believe that he is just manipulating, take all threats of suicide, especially if your teen has a thought of a way that he might do the job. If he has thought about using a gun or taking pills, then he needs to go talk to a doctor at the ER and if he won't go with you voluntarily then calling the police in for help is exactly the right thing to do. (Also, make sure that anything that your teenager might use to hurt himself, like knives, guns, or pills are not accessible. For example, with a teen mentioning that he feels like hurting himself you might put all the kitchen cutlery away and leave it hidden for a whole month. Sure, the family will complain. How are they going to cut their bread? But it continues to make the point that you take your teenager's safety seriously and you aren't afraid to act.)
In class, we used this analogy. It looks like rain. The sky is darkening and the wind is picking up and smells like rain. The clouds have moved in in a big way. At this point we all hope it is going to blow over. That's the way we sometimes try to handle our teenagers when they escalate and threaten temper tantrums. Maybe if we just don't say the wrong thing, don't do the wrong thing, the whole nasty affair will just blow over. That's not only a description of the situation, it's a description of the problem. At this point the teen has us trained to not say certain words, not take certain actions, not say things in certain ways, and the amount of power we have given our teenager at that point is corrupting and addictive. He can't handle that much power. We have to short-circuit that pattern, interrupt that behavior by taking action on our own. Over time, this behavior will decrease if we consistently act in a away designed to short-circuit this behavior. Let's look at the analogy again.
It's getting dark out, the wind is picking up and it looks like it's going to be a heck of a storm. This is a good time to take down the beach umbrella, pack up the picnic stuff and head for shelter. But wait, we don't do that. We stand there frozen because if we start to move towards shelter, we will offend the Rain God and it will be a nasty storm for sure. No, if just sit here on the beach and act as though nothing is wrong, show the Rain God that we have faith that he won't send the nasty storm our way, then maybe it will blow over?
I admit that the analogy doesn't fit perfectly. That's OK. I'm looking for a VIVID analogy, not a perfect one. When you see the first signs of rain, start to review your plans for getting to safety. Look up at that big ole Rain God and calmly without yelling say, "OK, Rain God, make my day, do your worst, I bet we can pack this stuff up and get to the S.U.V. before we even get wet. And you know what, if we get wet it won't be the first time we got wet, and it won't be the last." And then matter-of-factly, in a business voice, "OK, everyone, the Rain God is mad or something, you know the drill."
One good question that came up was this: What if your teen tells you that he can see that you are saying something like this just to get him to stop this nasty behavior? Just agree with him. We always like to find things to agree with and so far we haven't even talked about that. "You're RIGHT! That is what I'm trying to do because of course I'd rather not see you go through all that and put us through all that, but you know, you can see right though me and I'm not surprised, you know why? (still leaning in a wee bit) "Why?" the teen replies. "Because you can always read me the best. I can't think of anyone else who can read me like you can. That's why I know you know I'm serious about what I'm saying. Your move. What's it going to be?"
A post that is related to this one, but looks at the darker side of the aggressive teen can be found here: Warning: this linked post has some obscene language: When Teens Harass Parents.
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A quick update for those who have been following Wilma's stories about life in Bedrock . . .
Bam ended up in Shuman, then his new placement which I will
call ABC123. Bam didn't go to the prom even though he had his ticket, and he won't be graduating yet. And I am ok with it. Prior to placement we had been arguing over
the prom and his wanting kids at our house afterwards, to which Fred and I both
said NO WAY. AND we were NOT planning a graduation party as we could NOT have his friends at our house. Bam had sent invites on Facebook for his own party at our house – how bold – but I canceled them.
Now Bam will celebrate his 18th birthday and most likely graduate in ABC123.
Wilma
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TEENAGERS LOVE TO PARTY – especially during Prom and Graduation season. Often alcohol is involved. Some parents think that hosting their teenager’s party in the home will keep the kids out of trouble. You may not understand that it’s illegal, unsafe and unhealthy for anyone under age 21 to drink alcohol. Did you know that Parents Who Host Lose the Most?
Here are the facts: If you make alcohol available at teenager parties, you can be prosecuted. If you allow teen drinking parties in your home, you can be prosecuted. So parents, please protect yourselves and your kids — don’t be a party to teenage drinking. Do your part & start planning now to make this prom and graduation season safe for everybody.
The information above is provided as a public awareness message by the Pennsylvania Driving Under the Influence (DUI) Association. PA DUI is a professional organization which is working to address the DUI problem in all of its many stages — from prevention to enforcement up to, and including, adjudication and rehabilitation. For more information, click here to go to their website.
Thanks, Wilma, for providing this timely link!
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A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 3
DETACHING FROM PEBBLES WITH LOVE; BETTY WORKS ON HER CO-DEPENDENCY by Betty
Pebbles' mom, Betty, sent this follow up to her previous posts.
To see the original post click here: A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53
and A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 2
A lot has happened since Pebbles' first hearing back in March. She was placed at Mars Home for a month.
During that month she received some counseling but the majority of it was spent on what would be set up for Pebbles to go to for out-patient support. There were quite a few things set up to help Pebbles with her issues. However, Pebbles obviously was not on board with the plans.
Not long after coming home with an ankle bracelet did old attitudes begin. Having a pity party for herself, complaining of being bored and lonely, excuses for doing minimal 12 step recovery work. Was not allowed a cell phone unless taking a bus to therapy or meetings. Nor allowed internet access unless supervised. However, a sympathetic neighbor (adult) gave her an I-pod to use to text friends.(Whole other story).
From the time she was able to contact friends she was more secretive. By 3 weeks home her father found her drunk and passed out. At first he thought she was dead!
This was at 11:00 a.m. and I left at 9 a.m. for work. That's a lot of drinking in a very short period of time. A friend of hers brought her alcohol and later I found out Xanax. We called her P.O., had a warrant faxed to the police station and she was handcuffed and sent back to Shuman.
When I came home for lunch and found out about the situation, I cried and asked why?
Her reply was, "because of you." I was too hard on her, never satisfied, blah, blah blah. Thank God for what I have learned about this disease and not to take her answer personally.
In fact, I don't know why I even asked her, why?
Having said that my head knows that is what addiction is telling her. My heart though is hurt and heart broken. It's been over 3 weeks and she is still at Shuman being interviewed for placement for a much longer & intense placement. We warned her the last time we would not visit and pick up her collect calls several times per day like the last time. We haven't either. We spoke to her maybe 3 times. Once was her birthday.
There is a hearing scheduled that I already have a medical procedure scheduled at the same time and I am going to take care of myself. Barney is going to the hearing.
In fact, with the state of mind this last episode has put me in, the less I am involved the better.
 Barney is taking over as much as possible. It's not easy giving up control but a personal defect I need to work on. This much control or attempt to control has made me ill. It may be one of the reasons Pebbles has remained ill too.
We were informed one night by Shuman, Pebbles was taken to WPIC due to concern for her safety. We did not go nor have we been informed whether she was admitted or sent back to Shuman. Barney hasn't called to find out. He feels either way she is safe and alive and better off than here at home.
There is a void in my life because I am addicted to her.
But I am going to Nar-Anon meetings, making phone calls, reading PSST, meditating and listening to encouraging CD's to cope. It does help.
She is 18 now. Far from the adult the law says she is but I need to focus more on myself. It's been a long time since I have and it's a challenge. I ponder whether it was easier to stay obsessed with my girl's addiction and their problems then my own.
It's quiet at home. Something I yearned for; but uncomfortable with. It's foreign to me. However, as much as I hope Pebbles works on her problems, I hope the same for myself. Then one day we will even be a healthier family with a healthier relationship.
I want to be able to say one day that,"If it wasn't for all the pain and grief addiction put us though, we wouldn't have been BLESSED with where we are today!
That would be so nice.
Pebble's Mom, Betty
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A Mother’s Journey Through Love and Loss
"The face of addiction has changed. Addiction does not discriminate by age, gender, race or socioeconomic class. The addict is no longer that homeless man on the corner begging for change to get his next fix. The addict is no longer that rebellious kid with the tattoos and mohawk that comes from a troubled past full of abuse and neglect. The new face of addiction is the cleancut boy from a “good” home and attending a well-respected private school. The new face of addiction is your neighbor’s child. Or my child. Or even yours."
Lori Swanson knows all too well about the new face of addiction. She saw it in the face of her son, David. Click here to read her heartbreaking story of love and loss, as shared with RockfordParent.com.
Lori’s advice to other parents dealing with children struggling with addiction: “Acknowledge it! . . . Do not be ashamed to let others know you are seeking help . . . Most of all, love your child, especially when it is most difficult.”
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If you'e like a lot of us at PSST you are no stranger to the nature verses nurture issue. Somewhere in this episode it says something to the effect that psychologists, teachers, and social workers used to think that everything was about how a person was raised. All behavior was thought to be learned; however, today people seem more aware that the hereditary cards that a person is dealt may have more to do with how people turn out than learned behavior.
Especially, when you look at psychopathology, some people may not have the "hardware" necessary to feel empathy, remorse, or even fear. Still, there is a danger that in the use of this Psychopath Test some people might get "written off" when really there was a miracle for them right around the corner.
This show raises more questions than it answers but it really does help a listener to be aware of exactly what the questions are. Of course this piece is educational; like everything that Ira Glass and This American Life examines, it is wildly entertaining as well.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/436/the-psychopath-test
Type rest of the post here
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