Dealing with O.D. and Death Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Dealing with O.D. and Death

Someone very close to us just lost a cousin to an overdose last week. This of course brings mixed feelings of sorrow and anger, of release and guilt, of "I told you so" and of "why?" Many of us at PSST have been touched by the death of someone due to an overdose, an accident while under the influence or by suicide.

It makes the assertion "Well, it is only marijuana / alcohol / K2 / whatever... " ring very hollow.

Following is a condensed version of an article on Death by Overdose by Dr. Abraham Twerski. Much of what he says can also be applied to dealing with a loved one's addiction.

As Dr. Twerski notes: There is a mixture of intense anger and guilt. Why did he/she use drugs? Why didn’t he/she accept help when it was offered? How could he/she have done this?

To read the entire article click on the title below:

Reacting to O.D. by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski

"It is natural that when one has lived to a ripe old age and passes on, that the grief can be assuaged by sharing memories.

It is totally different when parents mourn the loss of a child. This is a disruption of nature, and the pain is profound. Even when the acute pain subsides, the wound is never healed."

It is much different when the death is the result of a drug overdose.

It is not unusual for mourners to feel some guilt. They may think back at some harsh words they may have said toward the departed person, or not having been as considerate as they might have been. But such interchanges are part of normal living, and these guilt feelings generally evaporate. Sometimes psychotherapy may be necessary to assuage these feelings.

It is much different when the death is the result of a drug overdose.

There is a mixture of intense anger and guilt.

Why did he/she use drugs? Why didn’t he/she accept help when it was offered?

We drove ourselves into deep debt to pay for treatment. How could he/she have done this to us?

Then there is the guilt.

Why wasn’t I a better parent?

Why did I put other things before the welfare of my child?

Why didn’t I notice that my child was depressed?

Why didn’t I seek help earlier?

These and similar feelings torment the survivors endlessly.

These feelings are difficult to overcome. As powerful as logic may be, it is weak when it confronts such intense emotion. But on the other hand, logic is the only tool we have.

After forty years of treating addiction and writing on the condition, I must admit that I don’t understand addiction. Like many kinds of pain, it is a phenomenon that exists but defies our understanding.

No one starts life with the goal of becoming an addict.

It happens in dysfunctional families, but it also happens in families where there is no apparent dysfunction. Invariably, parents of an addict feel responsible, and much more so when there is an overdose.

Yet, with few exceptions, parents are well-intentioned, even if they did not practice ideal parenting techniques (whatever these may be). We try to do our best, but our best may not be what the child really needed, yet we had no way of knowing this.

Our culture preaches that everyone has a right to pursue happiness, but there are so many obstacles to achieving it. Youngsters who feel deprived of happiness, and who have the immaturity of youth may resort to chemicals in the hope of finding the elusive happiness.

When Nancy Reagan launched the program, “Just Say No to Drugs,” some researchers interviewed young people for their reactions. One 14 year old girl said, “Why? What else is there?”

This is an indictment of a culture that has failed to teach youngsters that there is more to life than getting high.

We may try to place blame for an O.D. death, but there is really no one to blame, not the addict and not the family.

Guilt can be constructive when one has committed a wrong, because it encourages a person to make amends and set things right.

When guilt cannot serve this purpose, it is a destructive feeling. As limited as logic is, one should realize that beyond making amends and avoiding hurtful behavior, there is nothing to be gained by wallowing in guilt.

Anger, too, can be constructive if we are angry at wrongdoing and injustice, because such anger may motivate us to try and prevent injustice to the extent we can.

But when anger cannot be productive, it is foolish to harbor it.

The wise King Solomon said, “Anger rests in the bosom of a fool” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).

You may not be able to avoid feeling angry, but there is nothing to gain by hanging on to it.

There is very little one can say to comfort those who grieve an O.D.

Perhaps all one can say is that acceptance does not mean approval. Accept the pain, because there is no choice.

Do what you can to make today and tomorrow better for yourself and others.

Stop trying to make yesterday better. It can’t be done.

Copyright © Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski. All Rights Reserved.