PSST GRIT - Episode I
Hi Sally, Thought I would share my most recent experience and insights…especially in light of a recent quote on the blog saying to the effect “take the blame, take the power…"
Elroy is now in an in-patient treatment center with 2 other teens (let’s call them X & Y) whose parents are active participants in PSST. He seemed to be adjusting fairly well… and then… he was informed that his case would be transferred to a new P.O.…
…LLOYD!
Through the grapevine he found out that X & Y also were under the umbrella of Lloyd. Elroy being a typical teen went about his way of getting the scoop on “this guy Lloyd”.
Both X & Y were in agreement…Lloyd was tough and “always votes for long-term placement”, which left Elroy shaking in his boots.
Elroy also found out through Y that, “All 3 of our parents attend that “Lloyd Group”… (I guess meaning that we are “Lloyd’s Group Groupie’s”). Elroy had a few days to chew that fat over.
Fast forward to the next visiting day….
… A “Shuman Showdown” but with a much less panicked intensity on Elroy’s part.
“Mom…you got to tell that 'Lloyd guy' that if I work hard at this program and do everything I am supposed to do….you will tell that 'Lloyd guy' that I can come home!"
"I heard from Y that his parents may as well be 2 of you! All os you do whatever the P.O. tells you to do.”
I let him vent for a while, and then pulled in the reins and leaned closer to him across the table…..
“Whoa, whoa, whoa…let’s get the facts straight here!
Who do you think stood up in court and said you could not come home?
Who do you think stood up and told the judge that you need treatment?
Who do you think ratted you out on the fact that you were not complying with the stipulations of your Consent Decree?
Who do you think hauled out your drug paraphernalia from our home and filed charges?
Whose name is listed as the petitioner?
Who do you think told the judge that you were drinking? 
Who do you think informed your P.O. that you were searching for information about how long Vicodin stays in your system?
So tell me Elroy, just how does that make me a P.O. Puppet?”
At this point Elroy was leaning so far back on his chair, a breath blown in his direction would have sent him on the floor.
A short pause later he said, “Well you got me there.” Knowing Elroy…..this just means “Give me a day or two to come up with a comeback.”
I told him, “Of course I want you home, but I need to feel comfortable with my decision. I want you home when I know you have the tools and the ability to make good, healthy decisions for yourself. So rather than put the cart before the horse, you need to think about what you need to do to make me comfortable. So, shuffle those cards and deal(with it)…let’s finish this card game.”
We parents do have the power, we have always had it, we just have to choose to use it.
Editor's Note: We also need to learn HOW to use it. Come to PSST and we will show you.
My experience is that it does help me feel as if I am gaining back some of the control of my life that I had lost.
I can’t tell you how good that has made me feel…. worthy of being dubbed one of “Charlie’s Angels”!
************************************
PSST GRIT - Episode II
This could also be titled: Enabling is your own worst enemy in your fight to help your child.
Sitting with my son Elroy passing the time playing cards during a recent visit, Elroy was trying to fill me in on the in’s and out’s of his program.
Explaining the “levels” and privileges that go along with each increase in status, as well as what you had to do…or not do… in order to achieve these new “levels”.
Acquiring a consistent daily point value based on behavior is all part of this process. Elroy said that some of the kids were also demoted a level and a week was added on to their “sentence” for serious infractions. I asked him for examples. He said, “Well, getting caught smoking or being caught with “chew”.
I said, “Smoking….how do they get cigarettes?” Elroy said, “Some parents bring them in.” Shocked, I then in turn asked, “Well, don’t you think the parents know the consequences….an extra week added to their stay?” Elroy said, “I guess.”
A thought sparked in my mind and out shot, “Well, if their parents knew the consequences, I guess that means that they either don’t want them home, or they are not ready to have them home.”
Replaying that conversation in my head on the long drive home that night, I realized that enabling my son by either choosing to ignore the problem (so much easier than doing something about it), choosing not to speak up, choosing to keep secrets, choosing to allow myself to be worn to a nub so that I just caved into his demands out of pure exhaustion….all were sabotaging my efforts to help him.
My enabling him was feeding his illness and I had become my own worst enemy!
Acknowledging that realization to myself, hopefully will be the first step, of many, in my own recovery.
I see myself as an airplane that had been sitting on the run way…. being fueled up with tools I have learned through PSST and the support of my PSST Posse, add in a can or two of fuel cleaner (some insights of my own)….and I have been cleared for take-off.
I know that there is a chance that the engines are likely to sputter, may need to return back to the same run way because there has been a malfunction on takeoff, turbulence will surely be encountered, a detour or two will most likely occur, or even perhaps an emergency landing may be needed……..but the trays are up, my seat is in the upright position, I know where the emergency exits are, and I know there will be oxygen available should I need it.
So, I have fastened my seatbelt with the knowledge that I have a flight plan and Air Traffic Control is always available.
Share
Another PSST Mom Shows Her TRUE GRIT Episodes I & II
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, February 10, 2011
Time for Cisco's Six Month Review ~ Part I ~ PSST Mom Reaches a New Level of Change
Posted by:Sally--Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Change comes hard for me.
I have been attending the PSST meetings long enough that I know what I should and should not do. I know how not to enable. I understand how manipulative an addict can be.
At the meetings I can easily point out what the other parents should do to get their child on track.
Now, enter Cisco and my emotions come into play and my logic temporarily goes out the window. I think Cisco used to count on me caving and doing things his way because he instinctively knew that my love for him would turn me into a marshmallow.
Well this is not Burger King anymore and I do not like marshmallows.
The issue at hand is that it is time for Cisco's six month probation review. When his Public Defender called him, Cisco jumped at the chance to say YES! when asked if he wanted to get off of probation.
It was not a good sign that Cisco took this upon himself and did not consider that it should be a group decision of Cisco, Jerry; director of the recovery facility Cisco is in, Lloyd; Cisco's PO, Kathy; Cisco's Therapist and both Rocco and myself. As it stands only 1/6 of the people involved feels that Cisco should be released from probation at this time. The other 5/6 of us thinks he needs to be on probation until he finishes his program and accepts his recovery.
Rocco and I took Cisco to apply for his driver's permit last Saturday. This is one of Cisco's goals he is working on. The line was long and Rocco and I took advantage of this time with Cisco to discuss the upcoming hearing. We made sure we let Cisco know that we were "not comfortable" with allowing him to be off of probation at this time. In fact, I felt it was necessary to tell him emphatically that we would do every thing in our power to keep him on probation until he completes his recovery program that he is currently in.
Cisco clearly heard our message and understood that we were serious; this was obvious because he transformed into the completely obnoxious and ungrateful Cisco.
Little did he suspect that by becoming ungrateful he was simply affirming our convictions about keeping him on probation.
We filled a lot of the visiting time by letting him drive with his crisp and new permit. He drove very well, had great control of the vehicle and had a nice mix of confidence and caution. I chose to sit in the back seat with my seatbelt secured while Rocco became the driving trainer. It was so pleasant to witness father and son at this moment. Rocco was calmly giving just enough instructions and Cisco was attentive and following rules of the road. (When one has an addictive son it is a treat to witness them following any rules whatsoever.)
The day went on but Cisco still had a chip on his shoulder because we would not budge on our decision to fight to keep him on probation. We allowed for some of his moodiness but did not give in to any important things. For instance, he asked if a friend could come over to visit and we did not cave at this.
He was getting crankier so I asked if he wanted (an early) return to his recovery facility. He answered yes but then quickly changed his mind and said he needed to get to an NA meeting. Rocco started the car so we could get Cisco there on time. Cisco sat on the porch stoop and smoked a cigarette. I stood and watched cautiously because Cisco was not in a good mood.
He was weighing things out. I could almost see the gears working in his mind. He knew we would fight in court and we were successful when we did this last time. It was dawning on him that he was surely going to be in his recovery program for several more months. I stood several feet away, arms folded and silent.
He asked me if I would call Lloyd if he ran. I quietly but firmly said yes I will.
The smoke from his cigarette blew downward and out of his nostrils. He hung his head and rubbed his hands through his shortly cropped hair.
Suddenly, he got up and walked to the car; we were on our way. He decided he needed to go to the NA meeting.
He was in a better mood after the meeting. We went to a restaurant for some dessert and Cisco commented that he felt sure that he would be able to finish his program. It is difficult for him to realize that he still needs probation. He said he would call the PD on Monday.
(The PD was not ready to give up yet. Sally needs to rejuvenate at her knitting club! So my story continues tomorrow.)
The teenagers of PSST parents generally end up with way too much power. Where does it all start?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, February 05, 2011
This commercial shows us the child's early grab for power and how natural it is that children reach out for it. Children vary. In some, the force is strong from the very beginning.
Happy Superbowl to all PSST parents everywhere. :-)
Share
WHEN WILL THEY GET IT?
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, February 02, 2011
"When are they going to get it?"
"I wonder if they are ever going to really change? "
"I have tried pleading, begging, getting angry, being extra polite and tried making deals with them."
"If they would just listen to me, follow my plan and do what I ask them to, things would be better off for everyone."
"Why can’t they just think logically?"
"They are so-o-o-o-o-o-o frustrating. I guess it’s ‘cause they are just parents. They don’t get it."
"What is a kid supposed to do?"
You CANNOT want your teen’s recovery more than they want it. If you do; you give your teen the power back.
You cannot do their recovery program for them, as much as you wish you could.
Remember - Recovery is not a cure. Recovery is a lifelong process. It begins in treatment, but it doesn't end when treatment ends. How far your teen goes in their recovery is really up to them. It is a choice to change their lifestyle.
To put it another way recovery is like dieting. Dieting helps you take off weight. But diets come to an end. Once you reach your goal weight it is now up to you to keep the additional weight off. If you do not change your lifestyle you will be on your next diet in short order. No one can want it more than you do and no one can do it for you.
Initial recovery can take years. It can be a very difficult process for both your child and for you to handle on your own. Your child is an addict and a master manipulator. You as a parent will have your doubts and your weak moments and, on occasion, your son or daughter may play on them. They use guilt and other manipulative tactics to persuade parents and other family members to continue enabling them in their behaviors.
Falling back into this trap will inevitably lead to frustration, worry, anger, sleepless nights, and all manner of toxic behaviors in attempting to deal with addiction/co-dependency problems.
If you feel you are falling back into co-dependent behavior try the following:
You don’t need to give instant answers – it is okay to tell your son or daughter that you need to think about it or to discuss it further. Impulsive responses now may lead to regrets later.
Go to meetings – try PSST or your local chapter of Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or Alateen.
Join a home group – find a meeting you feel comfortable with and attend on a regular basis.
Find a sponsor – find someone at the meeting that you feel at ease with and exchange phone numbers – agree to call each other as needed in a crisis or just to talk.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help – talk to your spouse, partner, minister or a co-worker or friend that you can trust.
Get counseling / therapy as required – get professional help (note that if a counselor makes you feel uncomfortable - try another one – one size does not fit all)
Get active (in the program) – helping others in recovery will help you.
"One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so it will be worth remembering."
Lindy Lou- A PSST Mom, Finds An Interesting Anti-Drug Video
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, January 29, 2011
Read More......
Chemicals in 'Bath Salts Have Harmful Effects'
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, January 27, 2011
MORE ON 'BATH SALTS'
"From the Deep South to California, emergency calls are being reported over exposure to the stimulants the powders often contain: mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, also known as MDPV.
Sold under such names as Ivory Wave, Bliss, 
White Lightning and Hurricane Charlie, the chemicals can cause hallucinations, paranoia, rapid heart rates and suicidal thoughts, authorities say. The chemicals are in products sold legally at convenience stores and on the Internet as bath salts and even plant foods. However, they aren't necessarily being used for the purposes on the label...
...Dr. Mark Ryan, director of Louisiana's poison control center, said cathinone, the parent substance of the drugs, comes from a plant grown in Africa and is regulated. He said MDPV and mephedrone are made in a lab, and they aren't regulated because they're not marketed for human consumption. The stimulants affect neurotransmitters in the brain, he said."
Copyright ©1997 - 2011 PG Publishing Co., Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Here is a link to the article in the PITTSBURGH POST GAZETTE concerning the 'Bath Salts' already being carried (or about to be carried) by smoke shops and convenience stores near you! Sent in by an attentive PSST Mom.
Chemicals in Salts Have Harmful Effects - January 24, 2011 - By Shelia Byrd, The Associated Press
Thanks for the alert.
Alert received from Dauphin County re: "Bath Salt."
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, January 27, 2011
 |
More snorting 'bath salts' -click on picture for story. |
----- Original Message -----
From: Carlino, Russell
To: [Juvenile Court Managers]
Sent: Thu Jan 27 17:00:12 2011
Subject: FW: Posing as 'bath salts,' synthetic cocaine sold at local stores
FYI
-----Original Message-----
From: [Daulpin County Juvenile Probation]
Sent: Thursday, January 27, 2011 2:51 PM
To: [Juvenile Court Directors across Pennsylvania]
Subject: FW: Posing as 'bath salts,' synthetic cocaine sold at local stores
Members,
As each of you are aware in December 2010 the federal government took the necessary and required action to ban synthetic cannabinoids. Since the inception of this band Dauphin County (Probation and law enforcement agencies) have seized and confiscated a considerable amount of “Spice and K2”.
If you recall from some of the previous bulletins that I sent out on synthetic cannabinoids I also mentioned a form of synthetic cocaine (scientific name, Mephedrone) that was on the rise. Unfortunately, we have seen a significant increase of juveniles and young adults abusing a product called “Bath Salt”, a marketing form of synthetic cocaine. It has been identified in our schools and is commonly seen in our local gas stations and “mom and pop” convenient stores (click on the link below). This was a concern of mine when the banned was placed on the cannabinoids. Be aware of this product in your respective county. Thanks and be safe.
Subject: Posing as 'bath salts,' synthetic cocaine sold at local stores
Posing as 'bath salts,' synthetic cocaine sold at local stores
http://mlnurl.com/a5J8
Share
Read More......
PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, January 27, 2011
People, Places and Things
Our teens in recovery are told to stay away from any people, places and things that will remind them of using.
- Party pals, friends they used with (even if they have been clean for a month), or friends that supplied them.
- Parks, parking lots, schools, convenience stores, certain streets or corners, alleys or other places that they associate with copping, picking up or using.
- Clips, pipes, tubes, socket wrenches, bongs, spoons, stems, vials, lighters, cocktail glasses...
There's an AA saying: "If you hang out in the barbershop, eventually you'll get a haircut."
Staying away from “friends” is one of the biggest arguments we get from our teenagers in recovery. Until they can give up their people, places and things they are not serious about their recovery. When you confront them about their contact with them they will tell you:
“How do you expect me to give up my friends?”
“They are the only ones that I can talk to.”
“They are the only ones that understand me and won’t judge me?”
“I’m the one that got them to use.”
“Who are you to judge my friends?”
We had this discussion at our Family-Anonymous meeting on Tuesday night. Some wondered how long it would take, if ever, for our kids to “get it”.
Miss Deb summed it up in a way that hit home with a few of us. She reminded us that our children not only can do this but that they have already done this once. This is something she said she reminds the kids of in their sessions.
When our children made the choice to start using tobacco/drugs/alcohol they made the choice to leave behind their friends, the places they hung out and the things that they used together.
They left the people; these were friends that they probably had for most of their young lives.
They left the places; the gyms, the athletic fields, churches, auditoriums, dance and martial arts studios, skating rinks and scout meetings.
They left the things: balls, bats, karate uniforms, shin guards, dance outfits, skates, scout uniforms, musical instruments and their dreams.
They had no trouble leaving any of these people, places or things.
They didn’t have their parent’s help.
They didn’t have counselors to guide them.
They didn’t have meetings to explain the steps to change their lifestyle. They didn’t have booklets and websites telling them where and when their “meetings” to buy and to use were held.
They had no problem reaching out and finding people to help them and advise them on their lifestyle choice.
They didn’t have sponsors to reach out to and talk with when they felt an urge to return to their old ways and to stop using.
They didn’t have transportation issues; they could find their way to “meetings”, even in the middle of the night, to buy and to use.
They didn’t have trouble figuring out methods of financing their habits; they cheated, manipulated, coerced, lied, begged, borrowed and stole with the worst of them.
All on their own, without anyone’s assistance, they were able to give up on all of their people, places and things so that they could slip into the world of substance abuse.
So the next time your son or daughter in recovery tells you how hard it is to give up their “friends” feel free to remind them that they already know how to, they already have the experience and that now they have all the resources in place to help them.
RECOVERY IS NOT FOR WIMPS
Recovery is not a cure. Recovery is a lifelong process. It begins in treatment, but it doesn't end when treatment ends. How far your teen goes in their recovery is really up to them.
Recovery is a family process. Like their adolescent, families damaged by addiction can take a couple of years to recover. They will need to change their behavior and rebuild their lifestyle as they go through the recovery process with their child.
It can seem like a very long process but a real commitment to the recovery process can strengthen your family’s well being. The discipline of recovery can bring significant benefit that will help all family members.
Recovery is tough to handle alone. Like any other life threatening disease addiction recovery is somewhere between difficult to impossible to handle on your own. Addiction and recovery can be so consuming that families sometimes lose track of their other needs. Relationships are strained, hopelessness sets in and families can be pulled apart. Because addiction and recovery affects the whole family, it is absolutely necessary to look for professional help and counseling for the whole family.
Look for specialized groups for parents and siblings of the recovering teen in your area. These groups may be offered through your school or church, a family service agency or through your local chapter of Families Anonymous, Nar-Anon, Al-Anon or Alateen.
Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) is here for all parents, and care-takers, to get the help they need to assist their teens in their recovery. We are made up of parents of teenage substance abusers and addicts who have been, or are going through, what you are going through. We have the assistance of professional counselors and probation officials. We are not here to judge you; we are here to help you.
Share
PSST Mom from Across the Border ~ Recommends a Book
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, January 23, 2011
I would like to recommend the following book. It is not a book at all related to parenting teenagers with addiction issues but it is a book that provides some excellent techniques and skills for interacting with them.
How to Deal With Your Acting up Teenager: Practical Help for Desperate Parents by Robert T. Bayard
I think we all tend to forget that not all of our addicted teen's behavior is related to their drug-addiction; some of their behavior is what one would expect to see from a non-addicted teen. That being said, this book provides very practical skills for dealing with the kind of manipulation that all teenagers use and drug-addicted teens have perfected.~Joy Y.
Virtual PSST Mom from Across the Border Gives Us an Update
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, January 23, 2011
VIRTUAL PSST MOM'S STORY CONTINUES...
I thought you would want an update on the "Prodigal's return". Tomorrow will be two weeks since he came home. He had his first random drug screen this week and passed. He has seen his drug counselor two weeks in a row and has an appointment for next week. We are very well aware that this kind of result is the rare exception and don't assume that it will necessarily continue as such, but are grateful for today.
~Joy Y
Thank you for the update. It is good to hear that your son is doing so well and we hope it continues.
No matter what neighborhood we live in or what state or country we are from, we are united by the same challenges.
Addiction is a disease that knows no boundaries.
~Rocco and Sally
RECAP OF JAN 15TH MEETING - POWER TO THE PARENTS
Posted by:Max--Tuesday, January 18, 2011
POWER TO THE PARENTS 
Saturday, a fantastic turn out was had at our Mt. Lebanon location - Outreach Teen & Family Services - There were 21 Super Parents representing 16 families. We are getting so big (I mean in number - although with all the delicious cookies, cakes and donuts that show up each week, it could be girth as well) that Kathie T is exploring other venue options so we can all fit more comfortably in the same room.
We were happy to see the usual suspects; Lloyd from Juvenile Probation, Kathie T from Wesley Spectrum, and the parents known on the blog as Wilma, Angela, Violet, June, Becky & Tom, Jessica, Marci, Patti, Alice, Rocco & Sally, Jane, Daisy, Max, Jim & Cheryl- along with new parents Francois & Brigitte and Jenn and Brad.
WHEW, that's a lot!
Before going around the room for updates, something important to consider:
In a previous post, you will see an image of a bulldog on a leash, with Lloyd's face superimposed as the bulldog. Lloyd wants to remind all of us that it is the PARENT who holds the leash!
Many of us have weak moments and do not want to be the bad guy, or the "snitch" as our wonderful kids call someone who rats them out. NEVERTHELESS...the parents who rat out their kids are the ones with the true POWER.
The parent can hold their bulldog (PO) on the leash for added backup; but the kid needs to respect and respond to YOU. You are the parent and the kid lives in YOUR house with YOUR rules.
I have been guilty in the past of saying to my son's P.O. "Don't let Michael know I called you - if he knows it is me who ratted him out - he will flip on me!"
Well, doing that gives away all the power to the P.O. as the one to respect and fear consequences from. It does not help Michael understand that I am the parent and I am in control, I hold the power.
When I finally stepped up and told my son I had reported his misdeeds directly to the P.O. and/or Gateway, he saw ME as the one to behave for, and noticed the PO would sanction him if I requested it. I had more control of my home, and more POWER as a parent not to be toyed with.
Lloyd pointed out - be prepared to be disliked for a while. It's true, they may be angry at you and even hate you for a while. Or they may just throw an occasional temper tantrum like Michael did when he realized I was indeed the snitch. But you'll know you've got the POWER back when they respond with anger towards you!
Now, around the room we go..
Our first powerful parent was Wilma. Wilma has been a force to be reckoned with. While she waits for her insurance company to give the go-ahead for the residential treatment her son Bam-Bam needs, she is also dealing with Bam-Bam's refusal to attend school.
She is looking for alternative schooling for him, has already taken his phone, his bedroom door and his freedom; she also screened the one friend she allowed to visit her son by having him empty his pockets before coming in the house. Wilma is doing all of this without the help of a PO, and has only just started attending PSST meetings.
Way to take back the POWER Wilma! You get our vote for PSSTrophey for The Parent of the Week!
Angela, a relative newcomer to PSST, really has daughter Samantha in a snit! It seems that the Recovery Facility and Lloyd, their bulldog, had granted Samantha permission for an 8 hour off-grounds pass with her folks. Angela and husband Tony said "we aren't comfortable with taking Samantha off the grounds at this time"...they refused the pass!!
What power they possess! Samantha has NO IDEA why her parents would refuse such a "well deserved" pass; after all, she has a "98%, following all the rules, and doing everything they tell me to do".
Angela and Tony are not comfortable with the fact that Samantha has refused to sign releases allowing them to be involved with her treatment, refuses to discuss with them what she is doing in treatment, and believes that since it is her treatment, it is none of her parents business.
Angela and Tony know their daughter well. No doubt she is going through the motions of good behavior, so she can be discharged as soon as possible. But, by leaving her folks out of the loop, she is also letting them know that she is not really invested in her recovery.
Angela and Tony, we are all proud of your courage by taking a difficult stand.
Later on, we will do a role-play using this scenario to demonstrate how, buy refusing to take Samantha off grounds, Angela and Tony put themselves in a true POWER position.
Violet is happy today, and she has a right to be. Son Sal has been successful during the first 2 weeks of college, staying clean.
For the first time in a long while, Vi and Sal talked about school, classes, and what he was learning. When Sal talked of things that were of concern, they were "normal, everyday" things. He even told his mom "if I mess up it is my problem, not yours!"
When not in school, Sal goes to two or three meetings, and as Violet says, for now, today, he is ok. Violet believes that in Sal's case, he now has hope, something great to look forward to and to be working on. He knows what he could lose if he relapses.
Sal has really taken some huge steps forward, and all of us at PSST are with Violet, and pray that Sal stays on this healthy path!
June Cleaver is feeling strong! Her son, the Beav, is currently at a half-way house. They had a tough Christmas. However, June took a deep breath and employed PSST techniques; "I'm not comfortable with that", "Ask me again", and ended up cutting her visit short.
Strength and Honor, oh mighty June!
New family Francois and Brigitte have a 16 year old who we have dubbed Pierre. Even though this was Francois and Brigitte's first meeting at PSST, they have already used many PSST tools.
As many of us have done, they tried bribing Pierre as in "If you go to your class, I'll give you such and such". When they came to the realization of how this doesn't work, they quickly changed methods and confiscated Pierre's phone, car & door to his room.
He has started IOP at a Recovery Facility, but Brigitte is ready to start Act 53 if anything goes awry. When Pierre threatened suicide as a manipulation, Francois and Brigitte did instinctively what we have posted in the past; they called the police and had him taken for evaluation.
NOTE: If a kid makes a suicide threat, NEVER IGNORE IT- immediately get him/her to the nearest emergency room for evaluation. If it is a manipulation, they will soon grow tired of being dragged to the ER every time this tactic is used. If there is truth behind the threat, then the teen is exactly where they should be; in a hospital for evaluation.
Francois and Brigitte, please keep coming to PSST for support and new ideas; you are off to a strong start!
Becky and Tom are pleased to report son Syd has "turned a corner". He is currently at a half-way house, with 80 days clean. He still has some behavioral and legal issues to deal with, and is drawn to "older kids that are not so good for him".
Becky and Tom are showing a strong united front, and have all us PSST-ers behind you for support! Keep us posted!
Jessica's son Herman is back at an inpatient treatment facility. Roger, her husband, acts as her pit bull on a leash. If parents operate in sync their POWER is exponentially multiplied.
She knows Herman is saying all the right things, being a compliant and friendly camper so all the therapists will love him and wonder why such a great kid is in a place like this! Remember our kids are super manipulators.
Jessica, whose sleuthing skills were revealed in a recent post, knows her son inside and out. She has declared a self-imposed black out period. Jessica and Roger will not visit Herman immediately.
Their Wesley Spectrum therapist Cathy C. "blew Herman's cover" and exposed his darker side. It is okay, and even preferable that our kids act out while in inpatient recovery. The counselors and therapist are there to help them through it.
Herman is not too happy and doesn't yet understand fully that a "whole new life" awaits him; or that life as he knew it doesn't exist for him any longer. Roger and Jessica will visit Herman, but on their terms; when they are good and ready.
Hang in there Jessica and Roger; It sometimes takes a lot of heart to do what is right for your teen. It's not always the easy way, but it is the PSST Way!
Welcome to our other new family, Jenn, Brad and son Dylan. Sadly, Dylan has already entered the juvenile justice system one year ago at age 13 for stealing.
Brad and Jenn know he has tried pot, but don't know if he continues to smoke anything besides cigarettes. He now refuses to go to school, and where he used to hang out with the jocks, he now hangs around with hoodlums.
Although Jenn & Brad know that more drug involvement is possible, they really haven't seen evidence. Bulldog Lloyd asked how they felt about the police bringing a drug dog into the home to check? Jenn & Brad have already agreed with each other that they will call the police if any drugs are found. They continue to watch their son's behavior escalate, but now have a new support team and tools in the kit from PSST.
Jenn & Brad, we hope you two will continue to come, learn and share at future meetings.
Marci is proud of son Linus, who after being busted for having pot in school, is working his program, attending his IOP, staying clean, staying away from negative peer groups, and is spending more time with the family. He is more open, and is "back in line" behaviorally.
Linus is starting a young persons NA group as a community service project, but also because it is in response to a problem many of our kids face. When they attend NA/AA meetings, the age range skews older, and our teens often feel they cannot relate to the people in the group.
Some parents likewise commented that they are not comfortable with their teen being in a group of older adults in recovery that they do not know, and may have influence over the teen. So, we hope Linus is able to complete this project.
Marci, you should be proud of Linus, but also proud of yourself for doing the difficult job of being the BAD GUY!
PSSTip: As parents of troubled teens we sometimes forget it is sometimes OKAY to be proud of our teens. Take time to find some little thing to praise your teen for. It will surprise the vernacular out of them!
Marci once again brought friend Patti, who continues to keep a close watch on her son. Patti, you are welcome any time to come for support and/or tricks of the trade, which clearly benefits your friend Marci!
Alice Kramden came without hubby Ralph today. That was actually great news, because son Ed was attending a church event with his dad - something he may not have done 1 year ago.
Ed is doing well after discharge from his placement. He is involved in school, on the basketball team, busy with church and family activities, and is easier to live with. Alice brought up that although the family is sad that older brother Norton has decided to leave the country and return to his birth family, there is no doubt that when the brothers were together, they were a "team in crime". Alice also brought up the NA/AA meeting quandary:
ARE NA AND AA MEETINGS APPROPRIATE FOR YOUR TEEN?
Like Marci and Linus, The Kramdens felt that at some meetings the atmosphere was not a good one for Ed. They have instead focused on one-on-one counseling to take the place of group meetings.
Many of us want to know where are reliable meetings aimed towards teens?
Lloyd suggested the NA Meeting in Dormont on Tuesday.
If anyone else can recommend a meeting location that is more teen oriented please send it to us in the Comment Section below or to sallyservives@g-mail.com
In addition, we hope Linus' project becomes a reality so there will be a teen meeting in the East End.
If meetings are inappropriate for your kid, or you are not comfortable with the idea, do what the Kramdens did. Find out where your teen can do some one-on-one counseling, having a mentor, or join a church group that can serve a similar purpose.
In fact, here is another great idea from Ralph and Alice:
When Ed was in placement, Alice sent a message to her church, telling them of Ed's situation. She asked that if it wasn't a problem, could they write letters to Ed?
The response was overwhelming. Ed had many "pen pals" through this ingenious plan. He knew many at home were waiting for him, praying for him, and giving him hope of community when he returned home.
One man started taking Ed for golf lessons. This led to Ed having enough confidence to go out for the golf team at school. Another introduced Ed to audio-visual work. Now, Ed is involved with the AV crew at church; Ed is too busy to fool around with bad influences.
In fact, to refer to one of our PSST Quotes of the Week: "I'm not comfortable putting down a curfew time for Ed. His curfew is as late as he wants if he is doing good, safe, and healthy things. However, HIS CURFEW IS '10 MINUTES AGO' IF HE IS DOING ANY 'OLD' THINGS."- Ralph Kramden (to Ed's therapist)
Our stalwart bloggers Rocco and Sally are dealing with their 18 year old son Cisco in an adult halfway house. Cisco, like so many of our kids, is a master manipulator. Cisco has improved a lot from one year ago when he relapsed and Rooco and Sally had him placed back into inpatient recovery. He has improved a lot from last August when he relapsed and Rocco personally drove him back to Shuman for a placement hearing. His anger management is working well. He is liked by all at his recovery facilities. He is thinking about his future. All things that Rocco & Sally wondered if he would ever get to.
He still has a way to go in his recovery. He probably cannot return home because it is too big of a trigger for him. Rocco & Sally know they are doing the right things and that Cisco is in the right place, never-the-less as a parent you have your doubts. It hurts. Cisco still manipulates but sometimes you wish your dream/nightmare would end, you would step out of the shower one morning and your "real" child would be returned to you.
We're getting a little too dramatic here but it is how you feel sometimes.
It's good to have good friends that understand and are there to listen to you.
Jane has been with PSST for about three months and has worked very hard to save her son Elroy from a life of addiction. Elroy got himself into the juvenile justice system. Even though the hearing didn't result in the inpatient treatment (that Jane understands he needs) it did result in a P.O. for Elroy.
Finally Jane has someone to work with her. The P.O. has been testing Elroy and the results are not good. Jane has made it clear that she will not keep any secrets for Elroy. Keeping secrets takes away your power as a parent and it enables your teen to spiral down into their addictive behavior.
You are your son's best hope Jane. We here at PSST are here to support you.
Daisy is a single mom with a 15 year old son, Ozzie, in an Inpatient Recovery Program. He now has been clean for over 120 days because Daisy stood up in court and used her power as the parent.
Ozzie has been doing pretty well in his program but Daisy received a panic call from him last week. The P.O. came to visit Ozzie. He brought up the possibility of Ozzie going to a halfway house before returning home. This resulted in Ozzie's head spinning and his panic phone call to his mom.
He asked Daisy "What is this talk about a halfway house? I am coming straight home after this placement, right? The P.O. is full of bovine waste, right?"
Daisy left her options open and calmly replied "Honey of course I want you home. My problem is that I am not comfortable that you can handle being home without using. I am busy right now Sweetie but we can discuss this on my next visit."
This response reaffirms Daisy as the parent with the power, it buys her some time and it motivates Ozzie think about his future with his mom. If Ozzie chooses to act out then he is in a good place with counselors there to help him.
After your child comes home it is virtually impossible to get them into a halfway house. While they are still in a recovery program is the time to determine if they should come straight home or f they need to transition their way home.
You've got the Power Daisy - you are an inspiration to us at PSST!
Max, our steadfast PSST Mom has two sons Michael and David. Max and her husband Mel have worked together this last year to take back the POWER as parents in their home. They made the extra effort to get both of their sons on the road to recovery. This included "Detaching with Love" (not an easy thing to do) to maintain their own sanity and health.
Michael, their older son, has completed his recovery program and currently has a job, earned his driver's license and is working to graduate high school. He has had a couple of issues but he is working hard to stay clean.
He shocked Max the other day when after using her car (with permission) he offered her $20 for gas. Max's bells & whistles went off! "Why is he giving me this? What happened to my car? Where did this come from?" We parents have our triggers too. He reassured her that it was okay.
[Note: I think that I probably would have these strange feelings even if my clean & sober son offered me gas money ~ Co-Editor Rocco]
Max felt better but admitted that she gave her car the once over th next morning.
David, their younger son, is enrolled in an out of state Therapeutic Boarding School. He is working hard and attending school. Max and Mel recently visited him and all went well. Their family's next step is the "RE-ENTRY" of David. He will complete his schooling in a couple of months and return home.
The big question for David is: "What will be different when you get home?" This is a great question to pose to all of our kids that are in a recovery facility away from home.
Max and Mel have done a first-rate job at turning both of their sons around. They still have some work ahead but it will be a lot easier because they have taken back the power and parental authority in their family. Thanks again for being a big part of PSST.
Cheryl &Jim have a 17 year old son Andy. The good news is that Andy has done very well in his recovery program - he has achieved a Level 3, has completed his high school courses with a 4.0 GPA and was scheduled to come home.
The other good news is that Andy's home pass last weekend did not go well. Cheryl & Jim decided that were not comfortable and that Andy will need a little more time at his inpatient recovery facility before coming home.
Why is this "good" news? This is what home passes are for; to see if your teen is ready to return home. Many PSST Parents will explain to you what happens when your teen comes home without a true commitment to their recovery.
Cheryl & Jim feel that Andy needs to understand that he will not be the one in control when he returns home. They are also concerned that Andy may be a threat to run. As we noted above it takes a lot of heart to do what is right for your teen.
Now that they have demonstrated that they are the ones with the power and in control of their family Andy can really begin his recovery process. He will need to demonstrate that he can make his parents comfortable enough to return home.
Cheryl & Jim - All of us at PSST respect your decision and understand how tough it is. You have demonstrated again that you are the best hope for your son's recovery.
BREAK TIME
We took a well derserved break for coffee, tea, cookies, cake and casual conversation; including a birthday cake for Daisy - HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAISY! - probably a happier birthday than you have had in a few years.
ROLE PLAYS OF THE DAY
We decided to revisit the scenario Angela and Tony had with daughter Samantha, who had earned an off-grounds 8 hour pass from her in-patient treatment facility. Her counselors and even her P.O. thought she was ready but Angela & Tony were not so sure.
Samantha believes she is the boss, so she refuses to give her parents access to her treatment plan by not signing releases or discussing important issues. Angela & Tony need to take charge and regain control, so they will not take Samantha out for fun, until they get a better read on the situation.
For Newbies to PSST, I have italicized the PSST Power Statements:
1st. Role Play
Mom & Dad: How are you doing?
Teen: (angry) I can't believe the two of you! I did everything I was supposed to do - I earn the off grounds pass, and you are saying no!
Mom: (calmly) We aren't comfortable with saying yes to that right now.
Teen: WHY?! I have done everything I am supposed to do! I even got a 98% from the staff! They all love me!
Mom: We need to feel that you are more invested in doing your program.
Teen: This isn't about you, it's about ME! Get out of my business!
Mom: We agree, Samantha, this is about you. Nevertheless, Dad and I need more information.
Teen: Then I won't do ANYTHING!
Mom & Dad: Thanks for letting us know (getting ready to leave, willing to end the visit).
Teen:: (yelling) I can't do anything here, I can't even have caffeine! ALL I WANT IS A F$%#@*G STARBUCKS! I can't believe you aren't taking me out!
Mom: We just aren't comfortable with that.
Teen: (losing it) WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!!
Mom & Dad: Honey, I am so glad you finally asked that question. But we're gonna tell you now, you probably aren't going to like the answer! And we want you to know, if you get really upset and need to leave, we'll understand.
Teen: (irritated though intrigued) Well, what is it..
Mom & Dad: We want to know more about how your treatment is going; we want to be able to have discussions with you about it. We need to be included in the information loop.
Teen: This is MY business and MY treatment, not yours!
Mom: We agree, Samantha. This IS your business, and your treatment. Nevertheless,
as your parents, we need to feel comfortable that you are serious and committed to your treatment and recovery. Right now, we don't' feel comfortable that is the case, because we are not included in anything, and we feel in the dark.
Teen: So this is why you won't take me out?
Mom & Dad: Yes, that is correct. If you would sign consent forms, it would make us feel much more comfortable.
Teen: WHAT?! You can't make me do that!
Mom & Dad: You're right, Samantha, we can't make you do anything. So, it's getting a bit late, and since we've reached an impasse, maybe Mom and I will cut our visit short for today. Or, maybe we could play some cards?
What we discussed and learned from this role play: The teen isn't the boss, and the parents need to remain or regain control. In order to do this, Mom and Dad have to say "no" to something their daughter wants, and may also want for themselves; a fun/normal outing. Parents also should be prepared to cut visits short if necessary, leave their child hanging without discussion resolution if necessary.
Being self-centered is a common teenage trait, and a hallmark of addicts.
Samantha is shocked that her parents would willingly give up an outing with her. This is a good thing; the hope is that the in-shock teen will wake up and realize she doesn't have the power she thought she had, and in order to progress, must do some things differently.
Then we discussed what Lloyd called a "stutter step", which is highlighted in purple above.
During tough exchanges, when your kid finally says "what do you want from me?" or similar, it's usually rhetorical. But you will disarm him by saying "I'm so glad you asked..." as if it were a serious question directed to you.
Take this as an opportunity to use the opening he unwittingly gave you to steer the conversation to the topic you need to discuss. Not only has he led you there, YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF THE TOPIC, take the POWER back!
2nd. Role Play
In this role play Jessica and Roger's son Herman is back in placement and he is not happy. As mentioned above Herman doesn't yet fully understand that a "whole new life" awaits him. His parents have a new set of "Power Tools" to work with. Life at home as he knew it doesn't exist any longer.
This is one of their first visits and Roger and Jessica know that Herman will want to vent his frustration on them, never-the-less they are ready for him. See the six talking points above.
Mom & Dad: It is so good to see you son. How are things going?
Teen: I’m doing everything I need to do here to get out of here in ninety days. And let me tell you, this place really sucks. There's no TV, no cigarettes and a lot of bull shiyett. This place is tough. But let me tell you this, I’m doing my ninety days and then getting back to my normal life with my normal friends.
Dad: Wow you really are doing well here. I bet this is really tough. No cigarettes and no TV is a big change.
Mom: But I guess the hardest thing for you to give up is your friends.
Teen: My friends! I’m not giving my friends. I can put up with a lot of stuff and make it through this #@#$-ing place but I am not not going to give up my friends!
Dad: Well I’m glad you are being honest about your feelings; never the less we are not comfortable with you coming home and hanging out with those kids.
Teen: Dad, all you ever do is go to work, make money and bull shiyett. What do you mean you don’t want me to come home? What do I care if you aren't comfortable with my friends? They're MY friends! You can’t control me.
Dad: You know son, I have NOT been that effective with parenting you. You really have been out of our control.
Mom: But we are definitely going to work harder at being better parents. But I don't think that he is ready to hear this right now.
Dad: Yeah, he's right we can talk about his friends later.
Teen: Wait a minute, what do you think YOU know about MY friends?
Mom: Well honey we want you to know that things will be different before you come back home this time.
Dad: We will need you really buy into your program...
Teen: I AM DOING MY PROGRAM, ASK ANYONE HERE!
Dad: It has to be more than "doing" your program, it is you buying into your recovery. It's not about "doing 90 days", it's about working your recovery.
Mom: We need to work at recovery with you, we need to have new rules at home starting with a home contract that we can work on together...
Teen: So what does all this B.S. have to do with my friends?
Dad: I am glad you brought that up. Your friends will be a big part of your home contract. You know that people and places thing. But you know what, you probably don't want to talk about this right now. We just wanted you to know things will be different when you get home. How about a game of cards?
Mom: Yeah, we don't need to be preaching to you today. You get enough of that here. I'll go and get some soda out of the machines and you can deal the cards.
Remember even though we want to reaffirm the parent's power at these visits they do not have to be all about teaching and preaching to our teens. Participating in Family Counseling Sessions at the recovery facilities is an important time to bring up our points. We do hope to get some key points in during the visits, like giving up old friends. This is very tough for most of teens. Don't be afraid to agree with them that it will be tough. But then just take some time just to visit with them. Play some cards or just talk. You do not need to stay for the entire time allowed. If you sense your teen is getting restless or if they become rude don't be concerned with cutting your visit short. Ending the visit early is a good Power Tool for a parent.
SOME LOOSE ENDS
1. Don't be afraid to work with your local police department in dealing with your teen. Some departments are parent friendly - some PSST Parents have told us the Bethel Park and Shaler are good to work with. If you can recommend other parent friendly Police Departments please let us know. The police will talk with your teen, some will test them for substance abuse and help you to keep evidence.
2. Whenever your teen in recovery is at home (for a visit or for good) make sure there is no alcohol in the house and that medications are locked up.
3. RECOVERY IS A FAMILY ACTIVITY. Parents need to change along with their teen. Parents need to find a support group and counseling. You would not try to cure yourself or your child from a deadly disease / Don't try Recover on you own.
4. Relapse is not the end of your child's recovery. Get them help a soon as possible.
Work with them.
5. Praise your teen when they do the right thing. Many of us have been hurt by our teen addicts. Part of recovery is changing the way that react.
6. If you are looking for some additional help Gateway Rehab in Squirrel Hill is hosting a "Families Anonymous" support group meetings weekly on Tuesdays from 6:00 - 7:30PM
THANKS TO OUR PSST PROS LLOYD AND KATHIE FOR THEIR ENCOURAGEMENT AND ADVICE, THANKS TO Outreach Teen & Family Services AND TO ALL OF OUR PSST PARENTS WHO MADE IT TO THE MEETING AND FOR YOU PSST PARENTS FOLLOWING US ON THE BLOG.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday, February 5, 2011 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
Share
Tuesday Night Parents Meeting - Families Anonymous @ Gateway
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, January 17, 2011
LOOKING FOR SOME MORE PARENTAL SUPPORT?
Gateway Rehab in Squirrel Hill will be hosting a "Families Anonymous" support group weekly on Tuesdays from 6 - 7:30PM
This group was previously known as the Gateway Parent's Support Group for parents of teens with drug/alcohol issues.
It is now BACK - Facilitated by Deb Cohen and Romi Abdullah of Gateway.
The group will follow the "Al-Anon" model. Sharing, learning how to "detach with love" as well as useful information on addiction will be the focus.
We hope you will join us!
Gateway Rehab Squirrel Hill
5818 Forbes Ave, Pittsburgh, PA 15217
Click Here For Map
Near the intersection of Forbes Ave and Murray Ave
(412) 697-0928
RELAPSE HAPPENS
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, January 14, 2011
Relapse Happens
Relapse is a reality. Recovery is a Family Activity. We all wish that life would go the way we want it to. We have been through a lot with our teen addicts. They likewise have put a lot into their recovery.
When a relapse happens it doesn’t mean that their recovery program was a waste of time, that they are a failure or that we, as parents, did something wrong.
Relapses often occur within the first 3 months after treatment. Most often, teens need to go through treatment more than once and follow a long recovery process to remain substance-free.
Relapse handled correctly can be a learning experience. It can be an integral part of your teen’s recovery.
You can support your teens in their recovery by:
1. Keeping communications open with your teen. Talk openly with them about how they are feeling. If you detect that they are close to relapsing get them help immediately. Some signs of relapse can be complaining that their meetings and therapy are no help or if they begin skipping them. Be alert if your teen is bored, depressed or even if they are over confident that they can handle it themselves.
2. Be there for them if they relapse. Encourage them to get back to a recovery activity instead of nagging them, guilting them or lecturing them. But at the same time AVOID ENABLING them. Do not make excuses for them, cover up for them or ignore them. Do not return to CODEPENDENCY.
3. Offer them encouragement when they follow their recovery plan, go to their meetings and therapy. Don’t just take them to their meetings and therapy sessions. Join them when you can. These are good times to understand how your teen is doing and to let them know how you are feel.
4. Help them to stay organized and set their priorities, so that they are not too busy or stressed out between their school, work and recovery activities.
5. Encourage them to connect with teens that don’t use drugs or alcohol. Urge them to develop hobbies and activities and to find work that appeals to them. They can replace the time spent using drugs or alcohol with time spent for the new activity.
6. DO NOT keep any alcohol or tobacco in your home. Keep your medications (prescription and over-the-counter) locked away. When you no longer need drugs or they expire dispose of them properly. Be a role model for your teen.
7. Consequences, consequences, consequences. Talk with your teen about personal consequences. Explain that some behaviors, such as drug and alcohol abuse, can lead to consequences that will last a lifetime. Discuss how the use of drugs and alcohol while trying to graduate from high school, attend college, find a job can affect his or her future.
Note that teens live for the moment, so discussing long-term health consequences of drug use generally does not help prevent a teen from using substances.
Talk with your teen about legal consequences. Talk about the increased risk of losing their driver’s license and other privileges, car crashes, violence, and arrests related to substance use.
8. Expected behaviors. Talk with your teen about what to do in social situations involving alcohol or drugs. Be very clear about what action you expect them to take in these situations. Discuss your expectations regarding teen parties and activities where drugs and alcohol may be available. Use a parent-teen contract to write down expected behaviors and consequences if the plan is not followed.
9. TEST YOUR TEEN. There are a variety of inexpensive and accurate tests for drugs (amphetamine, methamphetamine, opiate, marijuana, and cocaine) and alcohol available in pharmacies and on-line. If you come to a PSST Meeting we can provide information on both urine screens and oral swabs.
Nolo contendere - Remember that your teen's refusal to submit to a test is the same as testing positive.
10. TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. Your teen’s addiction and relapse is not your fault or a reflection on you. Attend regular Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings, join a parental support group (LIKE PSST), see a therapist and remember to TAKE TIME TO DO THINGS THAT YOU ENJOY.
Relapse happens – Recovery activities (12-step meetings and therapy) helps to get them back on track. Like someone having a stroke, the sooner they seek help the better.
Take action before they make a full return to their old substance-abusing lifestyle.
Understand that “Recovery” and “Not Using” are not the same thing. “Not Using” is only the first step in recovery. Recovery is attending meetings, avoiding people, place and things and making a comitment to change their lifestyle.
It is not your teen’s relapse that determines success or failure it is how you and your teen handle it.
Come to the next PSST meeting to discuss relapse and other teen substance abuse issues.
NO, BUT IF YOU NEED TO, ASK ME AGAIN
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, January 13, 2011
No, but if you have to, ask me again...
PSST Mom Jessica took the PSST "No, but ask me a again" Technique one step further by holding up a "NO" sign to her son's continuous questioning and badgering.
This inspired us to create the following for use by all parents.
Feel free to click on this, print it and cut it out. Better yet come to our next meeting and get a couple already printed.
Thanks Jessica!
For more information on the PSST "No, but ask me a again" Technique click on the following:
Ask me again. Ask me again! (who is the big dog?)
Won't you give me three steps, gimme three steps mister...
AVOID THE ENDLESS ARGUMENT
