Another PSST Mom Shows Her TRUE GRIT Episodes I & II Posted by:Sally--Thursday, February 10, 2011

PSST GRIT - Episode I

Hi Sally, Thought I would share my most recent experience and insights…especially in light of a recent quote on the blog saying to the effect “take the blame, take the power…"

Elroy is now in an in-patient treatment center with 2 other teens (let’s call them X & Y) whose parents are active participants in PSST. He seemed to be adjusting fairly well… and then… he was informed that his case would be transferred to a new P.O.…

…LLOYD!

Through the grapevine he found out that X & Y also were under the umbrella of Lloyd. Elroy being a typical teen went about his way of getting the scoop on “this guy Lloyd”.

Both X & Y were in agreement…Lloyd was tough and “always votes for long-term placement”, which left Elroy shaking in his boots.

Elroy also found out through Y that, “All 3 of our parents attend that “Lloyd Group”… (I guess meaning that we are “Lloyd’s Group Groupie’s”). Elroy had a few days to chew that fat over.

Fast forward to the next visiting day….

… A “Shuman Showdown” but with a much less panicked intensity on Elroy’s part.

“Mom…you got to tell that 'Lloyd guy' that if I work hard at this program and do everything I am supposed to do….you will tell that 'Lloyd guy' that I can come home!"

"I heard from Y that his parents may as well be 2 of you! All os you do whatever the P.O. tells you to do.”

I let him vent for a while, and then pulled in the reins and leaned closer to him across the table…..

“Whoa, whoa, whoa…let’s get the facts straight here!

Who do you think stood up in court and said you could not come home?

Who do you think stood up and told the judge that you need treatment?

Who do you think ratted you out on the fact that you were not complying with the stipulations of your Consent Decree?

Who do you think hauled out your drug paraphernalia from our home and filed charges?

Whose name is listed as the petitioner?

Who do you think told the judge that you were drinking?

Who do you think informed your P.O. that you were searching for information about how long Vicodin stays in your system?

So tell me Elroy, just how does that make me a P.O. Puppet?”

At this point Elroy was leaning so far back on his chair, a breath blown in his direction would have sent him on the floor.

A short pause later he said, “Well you got me there.” Knowing Elroy…..this just means “Give me a day or two to come up with a comeback.”

I told him, “Of course I want you home, but I need to feel comfortable with my decision. I want you home when I know you have the tools and the ability to make good, healthy decisions for yourself. So rather than put the cart before the horse, you need to think about what you need to do to make me comfortable. So, shuffle those cards and deal(with it)…let’s finish this card game.”
We parents do have the power, we have always had it, we just have to choose to use it.

Editor's Note: We also need to learn HOW to use it. Come to PSST and we will show you.

My experience is that it does help me feel as if I am gaining back some of the control of my life that I had lost.

I can’t tell you how good that has made me feel…. worthy of being dubbed one of “Charlie’s Angels”!


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PSST GRIT - Episode II
This could also be titled: Enabling is your own worst enemy in your fight to help your child.

Sitting with my son Elroy passing the time playing cards during a recent visit, Elroy was trying to fill me in on the in’s and out’s of his program.

Explaining the “levels” and privileges that go along with each increase in status, as well as what you had to do…or not do… in order to achieve these new “levels”.

Acquiring a consistent daily point value based on behavior is all part of this process. Elroy said that some of the kids were also demoted a level and a week was added on to their “sentence” for serious infractions. I asked him for examples. He said, “Well, getting caught smoking or being caught with “chew”.

I said, “Smoking….how do they get cigarettes?” Elroy said, “Some parents bring them in.” Shocked, I then in turn asked, “Well, don’t you think the parents know the consequences….an extra week added to their stay?” Elroy said, “I guess.”

A thought sparked in my mind and out shot, “Well, if their parents knew the consequences, I guess that means that they either don’t want them home, or they are not ready to have them home.”

Replaying that conversation in my head on the long drive home that night, I realized that enabling my son by either choosing to ignore the problem (so much easier than doing something about it), choosing not to speak up, choosing to keep secrets, choosing to allow myself to be worn to a nub so that I just caved into his demands out of pure exhaustion….all were sabotaging my efforts to help him.

My enabling him was feeding his illness and I had become my own worst enemy!

Acknowledging that realization to myself, hopefully will be the first step, of many, in my own recovery.

I see myself as an airplane that had been sitting on the run way…. being fueled up with tools I have learned through PSST and the support of my PSST Posse, add in a can or two of fuel cleaner (some insights of my own)….and I have been cleared for take-off.

I know that there is a chance that the engines are likely to sputter, may need to return back to the same run way because there has been a malfunction on takeoff, turbulence will surely be encountered, a detour or two will most likely occur, or even perhaps an emergency landing may be needed……..but the trays are up, my seat is in the upright position, I know where the emergency exits are, and I know there will be oxygen available should I need it.

So, I have fastened my seatbelt with the knowledge that I have a flight plan and Air Traffic Control is always available.
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