POWER TO THE PARENTS 
Saturday, a fantastic turn out was had at our Mt. Lebanon location - Outreach Teen & Family Services - There were 21 Super Parents representing 16 families. We are getting so big (I mean in number - although with all the delicious cookies, cakes and donuts that show up each week, it could be girth as well) that Kathie T is exploring other venue options so we can all fit more comfortably in the same room.
We were happy to see the usual suspects; Lloyd from Juvenile Probation, Kathie T from Wesley Spectrum, and the parents known on the blog as Wilma, Angela, Violet, June, Becky & Tom, Jessica, Marci, Patti, Alice, Rocco & Sally, Jane, Daisy, Max, Jim & Cheryl- along with new parents Francois & Brigitte and Jenn and Brad.
WHEW, that's a lot!
Before going around the room for updates, something important to consider:
In a previous post, you will see an image of a bulldog on a leash, with Lloyd's face superimposed as the bulldog. Lloyd wants to remind all of us that it is the PARENT who holds the leash!
Many of us have weak moments and do not want to be the bad guy, or the "snitch" as our wonderful kids call someone who rats them out. NEVERTHELESS...the parents who rat out their kids are the ones with the true POWER.
The parent can hold their bulldog (PO) on the leash for added backup; but the kid needs to respect and respond to YOU. You are the parent and the kid lives in YOUR house with YOUR rules.
I have been guilty in the past of saying to my son's P.O. "Don't let Michael know I called you - if he knows it is me who ratted him out - he will flip on me!"
Well, doing that gives away all the power to the P.O. as the one to respect and fear consequences from. It does not help Michael understand that I am the parent and I am in control, I hold the power.
When I finally stepped up and told my son I had reported his misdeeds directly to the P.O. and/or Gateway, he saw ME as the one to behave for, and noticed the PO would sanction him if I requested it. I had more control of my home, and more POWER as a parent not to be toyed with.
Lloyd pointed out - be prepared to be disliked for a while. It's true, they may be angry at you and even hate you for a while. Or they may just throw an occasional temper tantrum like Michael did when he realized I was indeed the snitch. But you'll know you've got the POWER back when they respond with anger towards you!
Now, around the room we go..
Our first powerful parent was Wilma. Wilma has been a force to be reckoned with. While she waits for her insurance company to give the go-ahead for the residential treatment her son Bam-Bam needs, she is also dealing with Bam-Bam's refusal to attend school.
She is looking for alternative schooling for him, has already taken his phone, his bedroom door and his freedom; she also screened the one friend she allowed to visit her son by having him empty his pockets before coming in the house. Wilma is doing all of this without the help of a PO, and has only just started attending PSST meetings.
Way to take back the POWER Wilma! You get our vote for PSSTrophey for The Parent of the Week!
Angela, a relative newcomer to PSST, really has daughter Samantha in a snit! It seems that the Recovery Facility and Lloyd, their bulldog, had granted Samantha permission for an 8 hour off-grounds pass with her folks. Angela and husband Tony said "we aren't comfortable with taking Samantha off the grounds at this time"...they refused the pass!!
What power they possess! Samantha has NO IDEA why her parents would refuse such a "well deserved" pass; after all, she has a "98%, following all the rules, and doing everything they tell me to do".
Angela and Tony are not comfortable with the fact that Samantha has refused to sign releases allowing them to be involved with her treatment, refuses to discuss with them what she is doing in treatment, and believes that since it is her treatment, it is none of her parents business.
Angela and Tony know their daughter well. No doubt she is going through the motions of good behavior, so she can be discharged as soon as possible. But, by leaving her folks out of the loop, she is also letting them know that she is not really invested in her recovery.
Angela and Tony, we are all proud of your courage by taking a difficult stand.
Later on, we will do a role-play using this scenario to demonstrate how, buy refusing to take Samantha off grounds, Angela and Tony put themselves in a true POWER position.
Violet is happy today, and she has a right to be. Son Sal has been successful during the first 2 weeks of college, staying clean.
For the first time in a long while, Vi and Sal talked about school, classes, and what he was learning. When Sal talked of things that were of concern, they were "normal, everyday" things. He even told his mom "if I mess up it is my problem, not yours!"
When not in school, Sal goes to two or three meetings, and as Violet says, for now, today, he is ok. Violet believes that in Sal's case, he now has hope, something great to look forward to and to be working on. He knows what he could lose if he relapses.
Sal has really taken some huge steps forward, and all of us at PSST are with Violet, and pray that Sal stays on this healthy path!
June Cleaver is feeling strong! Her son, the Beav, is currently at a half-way house. They had a tough Christmas. However, June took a deep breath and employed PSST techniques; "I'm not comfortable with that", "Ask me again", and ended up cutting her visit short.
Strength and Honor, oh mighty June!
New family Francois and Brigitte have a 16 year old who we have dubbed Pierre. Even though this was Francois and Brigitte's first meeting at PSST, they have already used many PSST tools.
As many of us have done, they tried bribing Pierre as in "If you go to your class, I'll give you such and such". When they came to the realization of how this doesn't work, they quickly changed methods and confiscated Pierre's phone, car & door to his room.
He has started IOP at a Recovery Facility, but Brigitte is ready to start Act 53 if anything goes awry. When Pierre threatened suicide as a manipulation, Francois and Brigitte did instinctively what we have posted in the past; they called the police and had him taken for evaluation.
NOTE: If a kid makes a suicide threat, NEVER IGNORE IT- immediately get him/her to the nearest emergency room for evaluation. If it is a manipulation, they will soon grow tired of being dragged to the ER every time this tactic is used. If there is truth behind the threat, then the teen is exactly where they should be; in a hospital for evaluation.
Francois and Brigitte, please keep coming to PSST for support and new ideas; you are off to a strong start!
Becky and Tom are pleased to report son Syd has "turned a corner". He is currently at a half-way house, with 80 days clean. He still has some behavioral and legal issues to deal with, and is drawn to "older kids that are not so good for him".
Becky and Tom are showing a strong united front, and have all us PSST-ers behind you for support! Keep us posted!
Jessica's son Herman is back at an inpatient treatment facility. Roger, her husband, acts as her pit bull on a leash. If parents operate in sync their POWER is exponentially multiplied.
She knows Herman is saying all the right things, being a compliant and friendly camper so all the therapists will love him and wonder why such a great kid is in a place like this! Remember our kids are super manipulators.
Jessica, whose sleuthing skills were revealed in a recent post, knows her son inside and out. She has declared a self-imposed black out period. Jessica and Roger will not visit Herman immediately.
Their Wesley Spectrum therapist Cathy C. "blew Herman's cover" and exposed his darker side. It is okay, and even preferable that our kids act out while in inpatient recovery. The counselors and therapist are there to help them through it.
Herman is not too happy and doesn't yet understand fully that a "whole new life" awaits him; or that life as he knew it doesn't exist for him any longer. Roger and Jessica will visit Herman, but on their terms; when they are good and ready.
Hang in there Jessica and Roger; It sometimes takes a lot of heart to do what is right for your teen. It's not always the easy way, but it is the PSST Way!
Welcome to our other new family, Jenn, Brad and son Dylan. Sadly, Dylan has already entered the juvenile justice system one year ago at age 13 for stealing.
Brad and Jenn know he has tried pot, but don't know if he continues to smoke anything besides cigarettes. He now refuses to go to school, and where he used to hang out with the jocks, he now hangs around with hoodlums.
Although Jenn & Brad know that more drug involvement is possible, they really haven't seen evidence. Bulldog Lloyd asked how they felt about the police bringing a drug dog into the home to check? Jenn & Brad have already agreed with each other that they will call the police if any drugs are found. They continue to watch their son's behavior escalate, but now have a new support team and tools in the kit from PSST.
Jenn & Brad, we hope you two will continue to come, learn and share at future meetings.
Marci is proud of son Linus, who after being busted for having pot in school, is working his program, attending his IOP, staying clean, staying away from negative peer groups, and is spending more time with the family. He is more open, and is "back in line" behaviorally.
Linus is starting a young persons NA group as a community service project, but also because it is in response to a problem many of our kids face. When they attend NA/AA meetings, the age range skews older, and our teens often feel they cannot relate to the people in the group.
Some parents likewise commented that they are not comfortable with their teen being in a group of older adults in recovery that they do not know, and may have influence over the teen. So, we hope Linus is able to complete this project.
Marci, you should be proud of Linus, but also proud of yourself for doing the difficult job of being the BAD GUY!
PSSTip: As parents of troubled teens we sometimes forget it is sometimes OKAY to be proud of our teens. Take time to find some little thing to praise your teen for. It will surprise the vernacular out of them!
Marci once again brought friend Patti, who continues to keep a close watch on her son. Patti, you are welcome any time to come for support and/or tricks of the trade, which clearly benefits your friend Marci!
Alice Kramden came without hubby Ralph today. That was actually great news, because son Ed was attending a church event with his dad - something he may not have done 1 year ago.
Ed is doing well after discharge from his placement. He is involved in school, on the basketball team, busy with church and family activities, and is easier to live with. Alice brought up that although the family is sad that older brother Norton has decided to leave the country and return to his birth family, there is no doubt that when the brothers were together, they were a "team in crime". Alice also brought up the NA/AA meeting quandary:
ARE NA AND AA MEETINGS APPROPRIATE FOR YOUR TEEN?
Like Marci and Linus, The Kramdens felt that at some meetings the atmosphere was not a good one for Ed. They have instead focused on one-on-one counseling to take the place of group meetings.
Many of us want to know where are reliable meetings aimed towards teens?
Lloyd suggested the NA Meeting in Dormont on Tuesday.
If anyone else can recommend a meeting location that is more teen oriented please send it to us in the Comment Section below or to sallyservives@g-mail.com
In addition, we hope Linus' project becomes a reality so there will be a teen meeting in the East End.
If meetings are inappropriate for your kid, or you are not comfortable with the idea, do what the Kramdens did. Find out where your teen can do some one-on-one counseling, having a mentor, or join a church group that can serve a similar purpose.
In fact, here is another great idea from Ralph and Alice:
When Ed was in placement, Alice sent a message to her church, telling them of Ed's situation. She asked that if it wasn't a problem, could they write letters to Ed?
The response was overwhelming. Ed had many "pen pals" through this ingenious plan. He knew many at home were waiting for him, praying for him, and giving him hope of community when he returned home.
One man started taking Ed for golf lessons. This led to Ed having enough confidence to go out for the golf team at school. Another introduced Ed to audio-visual work. Now, Ed is involved with the AV crew at church; Ed is too busy to fool around with bad influences.
In fact, to refer to one of our PSST Quotes of the Week: "I'm not comfortable putting down a curfew time for Ed. His curfew is as late as he wants if he is doing good, safe, and healthy things. However, HIS CURFEW IS '10 MINUTES AGO' IF HE IS DOING ANY 'OLD' THINGS."- Ralph Kramden (to Ed's therapist)
Our stalwart bloggers Rocco and Sally are dealing with their 18 year old son Cisco in an adult halfway house. Cisco, like so many of our kids, is a master manipulator. Cisco has improved a lot from one year ago when he relapsed and Rooco and Sally had him placed back into inpatient recovery. He has improved a lot from last August when he relapsed and Rocco personally drove him back to Shuman for a placement hearing. His anger management is working well. He is liked by all at his recovery facilities. He is thinking about his future. All things that Rocco & Sally wondered if he would ever get to.
He still has a way to go in his recovery. He probably cannot return home because it is too big of a trigger for him. Rocco & Sally know they are doing the right things and that Cisco is in the right place, never-the-less as a parent you have your doubts. It hurts. Cisco still manipulates but sometimes you wish your dream/nightmare would end, you would step out of the shower one morning and your "real" child would be returned to you.
We're getting a little too dramatic here but it is how you feel sometimes.
It's good to have good friends that understand and are there to listen to you.
Jane has been with PSST for about three months and has worked very hard to save her son Elroy from a life of addiction. Elroy got himself into the juvenile justice system. Even though the hearing didn't result in the inpatient treatment (that Jane understands he needs) it did result in a P.O. for Elroy.
Finally Jane has someone to work with her. The P.O. has been testing Elroy and the results are not good. Jane has made it clear that she will not keep any secrets for Elroy. Keeping secrets takes away your power as a parent and it enables your teen to spiral down into their addictive behavior.
You are your son's best hope Jane. We here at PSST are here to support you.
Daisy is a single mom with a 15 year old son, Ozzie, in an Inpatient Recovery Program. He now has been clean for over 120 days because Daisy stood up in court and used her power as the parent.
Ozzie has been doing pretty well in his program but Daisy received a panic call from him last week. The P.O. came to visit Ozzie. He brought up the possibility of Ozzie going to a halfway house before returning home. This resulted in Ozzie's head spinning and his panic phone call to his mom.
He asked Daisy "What is this talk about a halfway house? I am coming straight home after this placement, right? The P.O. is full of bovine waste, right?"
Daisy left her options open and calmly replied "Honey of course I want you home. My problem is that I am not comfortable that you can handle being home without using. I am busy right now Sweetie but we can discuss this on my next visit."
This response reaffirms Daisy as the parent with the power, it buys her some time and it motivates Ozzie think about his future with his mom. If Ozzie chooses to act out then he is in a good place with counselors there to help him.
After your child comes home it is virtually impossible to get them into a halfway house. While they are still in a recovery program is the time to determine if they should come straight home or f they need to transition their way home.
You've got the Power Daisy - you are an inspiration to us at PSST!
Max, our steadfast PSST Mom has two sons Michael and David. Max and her husband Mel have worked together this last year to take back the POWER as parents in their home. They made the extra effort to get both of their sons on the road to recovery. This included "Detaching with Love" (not an easy thing to do) to maintain their own sanity and health.
Michael, their older son, has completed his recovery program and currently has a job, earned his driver's license and is working to graduate high school. He has had a couple of issues but he is working hard to stay clean.
He shocked Max the other day when after using her car (with permission) he offered her $20 for gas. Max's bells & whistles went off! "Why is he giving me this? What happened to my car? Where did this come from?" We parents have our triggers too. He reassured her that it was okay.
[Note: I think that I probably would have these strange feelings even if my clean & sober son offered me gas money ~ Co-Editor Rocco]
Max felt better but admitted that she gave her car the once over th next morning.
David, their younger son, is enrolled in an out of state Therapeutic Boarding School. He is working hard and attending school. Max and Mel recently visited him and all went well. Their family's next step is the "RE-ENTRY" of David. He will complete his schooling in a couple of months and return home.
The big question for David is: "What will be different when you get home?" This is a great question to pose to all of our kids that are in a recovery facility away from home.
Max and Mel have done a first-rate job at turning both of their sons around. They still have some work ahead but it will be a lot easier because they have taken back the power and parental authority in their family. Thanks again for being a big part of PSST.
Cheryl &Jim have a 17 year old son Andy. The good news is that Andy has done very well in his recovery program - he has achieved a Level 3, has completed his high school courses with a 4.0 GPA and was scheduled to come home.
The other good news is that Andy's home pass last weekend did not go well. Cheryl & Jim decided that were not comfortable and that Andy will need a little more time at his inpatient recovery facility before coming home.
Why is this "good" news? This is what home passes are for; to see if your teen is ready to return home. Many PSST Parents will explain to you what happens when your teen comes home without a true commitment to their recovery.
Cheryl & Jim feel that Andy needs to understand that he will not be the one in control when he returns home. They are also concerned that Andy may be a threat to run. As we noted above it takes a lot of heart to do what is right for your teen.
Now that they have demonstrated that they are the ones with the power and in control of their family Andy can really begin his recovery process. He will need to demonstrate that he can make his parents comfortable enough to return home.
Cheryl & Jim - All of us at PSST respect your decision and understand how tough it is. You have demonstrated again that you are the best hope for your son's recovery.
BREAK TIME
We took a well derserved break for coffee, tea, cookies, cake and casual conversation; including a birthday cake for Daisy - HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAISY! - probably a happier birthday than you have had in a few years.
ROLE PLAYS OF THE DAY
We decided to revisit the scenario Angela and Tony had with daughter Samantha, who had earned an off-grounds 8 hour pass from her in-patient treatment facility. Her counselors and even her P.O. thought she was ready but Angela & Tony were not so sure.
Samantha believes she is the boss, so she refuses to give her parents access to her treatment plan by not signing releases or discussing important issues. Angela & Tony need to take charge and regain control, so they will not take Samantha out for fun, until they get a better read on the situation.
For Newbies to PSST, I have italicized the PSST Power Statements:
1st. Role Play
Mom & Dad: How are you doing?
Teen: (angry) I can't believe the two of you! I did everything I was supposed to do - I earn the off grounds pass, and you are saying no!
Mom: (calmly) We aren't comfortable with saying yes to that right now.
Teen: WHY?! I have done everything I am supposed to do! I even got a 98% from the staff! They all love me!
Mom: We need to feel that you are more invested in doing your program.
Teen: This isn't about you, it's about ME! Get out of my business!
Mom: We agree, Samantha, this is about you. Nevertheless, Dad and I need more information.
Teen: Then I won't do ANYTHING!
Mom & Dad: Thanks for letting us know (getting ready to leave, willing to end the visit).
Teen:: (yelling) I can't do anything here, I can't even have caffeine! ALL I WANT IS A F$%#@*G STARBUCKS! I can't believe you aren't taking me out!
Mom: We just aren't comfortable with that.
Teen: (losing it) WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!!
Mom & Dad: Honey, I am so glad you finally asked that question. But we're gonna tell you now, you probably aren't going to like the answer! And we want you to know, if you get really upset and need to leave, we'll understand.
Teen: (irritated though intrigued) Well, what is it..
Mom & Dad: We want to know more about how your treatment is going; we want to be able to have discussions with you about it. We need to be included in the information loop.
Teen: This is MY business and MY treatment, not yours!
Mom: We agree, Samantha. This IS your business, and your treatment. Nevertheless,
as your parents, we need to feel comfortable that you are serious and committed to your treatment and recovery. Right now, we don't' feel comfortable that is the case, because we are not included in anything, and we feel in the dark.
Teen: So this is why you won't take me out?
Mom & Dad: Yes, that is correct. If you would sign consent forms, it would make us feel much more comfortable.
Teen: WHAT?! You can't make me do that!
Mom & Dad: You're right, Samantha, we can't make you do anything. So, it's getting a bit late, and since we've reached an impasse, maybe Mom and I will cut our visit short for today. Or, maybe we could play some cards?
What we discussed and learned from this role play: The teen isn't the boss, and the parents need to remain or regain control. In order to do this, Mom and Dad have to say "no" to something their daughter wants, and may also want for themselves; a fun/normal outing. Parents also should be prepared to cut visits short if necessary, leave their child hanging without discussion resolution if necessary.
Being self-centered is a common teenage trait, and a hallmark of addicts.
Samantha is shocked that her parents would willingly give up an outing with her. This is a good thing; the hope is that the in-shock teen will wake up and realize she doesn't have the power she thought she had, and in order to progress, must do some things differently.
Then we discussed what Lloyd called a "stutter step", which is highlighted in purple above.
During tough exchanges, when your kid finally says "what do you want from me?" or similar, it's usually rhetorical. But you will disarm him by saying "I'm so glad you asked..." as if it were a serious question directed to you.
Take this as an opportunity to use the opening he unwittingly gave you to steer the conversation to the topic you need to discuss. Not only has he led you there, YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF THE TOPIC, take the POWER back!
2nd. Role Play
In this role play Jessica and Roger's son Herman is back in placement and he is not happy. As mentioned above Herman doesn't yet fully understand that a "whole new life" awaits him. His parents have a new set of "Power Tools" to work with. Life at home as he knew it doesn't exist any longer.
This is one of their first visits and Roger and Jessica know that Herman will want to vent his frustration on them, never-the-less they are ready for him. See the six talking points above.
Mom & Dad: It is so good to see you son. How are things going?
Teen: I’m doing everything I need to do here to get out of here in ninety days. And let me tell you, this place really sucks. There's no TV, no cigarettes and a lot of bull shiyett. This place is tough. But let me tell you this, I’m doing my ninety days and then getting back to my normal life with my normal friends.
Dad: Wow you really are doing well here. I bet this is really tough. No cigarettes and no TV is a big change.
Mom: But I guess the hardest thing for you to give up is your friends.
Teen: My friends! I’m not giving my friends. I can put up with a lot of stuff and make it through this #@#$-ing place but I am not not going to give up my friends!
Dad: Well I’m glad you are being honest about your feelings; never the less we are not comfortable with you coming home and hanging out with those kids.
Teen: Dad, all you ever do is go to work, make money and bull shiyett. What do you mean you don’t want me to come home? What do I care if you aren't comfortable with my friends? They're MY friends! You can’t control me.
Dad: You know son, I have NOT been that effective with parenting you. You really have been out of our control.
Mom: But we are definitely going to work harder at being better parents. But I don't think that he is ready to hear this right now.
Dad: Yeah, he's right we can talk about his friends later.
Teen: Wait a minute, what do you think YOU know about MY friends?
Mom: Well honey we want you to know that things will be different before you come back home this time.
Dad: We will need you really buy into your program...
Teen: I AM DOING MY PROGRAM, ASK ANYONE HERE!
Dad: It has to be more than "doing" your program, it is you buying into your recovery. It's not about "doing 90 days", it's about working your recovery.
Mom: We need to work at recovery with you, we need to have new rules at home starting with a home contract that we can work on together...
Teen: So what does all this B.S. have to do with my friends?
Dad: I am glad you brought that up. Your friends will be a big part of your home contract. You know that people and places thing. But you know what, you probably don't want to talk about this right now. We just wanted you to know things will be different when you get home. How about a game of cards?
Mom: Yeah, we don't need to be preaching to you today. You get enough of that here. I'll go and get some soda out of the machines and you can deal the cards.
Remember even though we want to reaffirm the parent's power at these visits they do not have to be all about teaching and preaching to our teens. Participating in Family Counseling Sessions at the recovery facilities is an important time to bring up our points. We do hope to get some key points in during the visits, like giving up old friends. This is very tough for most of teens. Don't be afraid to agree with them that it will be tough. But then just take some time just to visit with them. Play some cards or just talk. You do not need to stay for the entire time allowed. If you sense your teen is getting restless or if they become rude don't be concerned with cutting your visit short. Ending the visit early is a good Power Tool for a parent.
SOME LOOSE ENDS
1. Don't be afraid to work with your local police department in dealing with your teen. Some departments are parent friendly - some PSST Parents have told us the Bethel Park and Shaler are good to work with. If you can recommend other parent friendly Police Departments please let us know. The police will talk with your teen, some will test them for substance abuse and help you to keep evidence.
2. Whenever your teen in recovery is at home (for a visit or for good) make sure there is no alcohol in the house and that medications are locked up.
3. RECOVERY IS A FAMILY ACTIVITY. Parents need to change along with their teen. Parents need to find a support group and counseling. You would not try to cure yourself or your child from a deadly disease / Don't try Recover on you own.
4. Relapse is not the end of your child's recovery. Get them help a soon as possible.
Work with them.
5. Praise your teen when they do the right thing. Many of us have been hurt by our teen addicts. Part of recovery is changing the way that react.
6. If you are looking for some additional help Gateway Rehab in Squirrel Hill is hosting a "Families Anonymous" support group meetings weekly on Tuesdays from 6:00 - 7:30PM
THANKS TO OUR PSST PROS LLOYD AND KATHIE FOR THEIR ENCOURAGEMENT AND ADVICE, THANKS TO Outreach Teen & Family Services AND TO ALL OF OUR PSST PARENTS WHO MADE IT TO THE MEETING AND FOR YOU PSST PARENTS FOLLOWING US ON THE BLOG.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday, February 5, 2011 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
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RECAP OF JAN 15TH MEETING - POWER TO THE PARENTS
Posted by:Max--Tuesday, January 18, 2011
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1 comment:
Dear PSST parents,
As the new parent "Brigitte" I want to thank each of you for your warm welcome last Saturday. Pierre and I learned so much in just one session and felt the proverbial "strength in numbers". We plan to return as soon as we are able.
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