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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Summary of the Nov 6, 2010 Wilkinsburg PSST Meeting
We had very encouraging turn-out at Saturday’s PSST Meeting in Wilkinsburg led by our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, and Kathie T. There were 17 PSST Parents representing 14 families.
We had a nice mix of new and regular PSST parents, as well as a veteran PSST Mom returning to share her story. We know them here as Violet, Rocco & Sally, Rose, Candy, Ralph & Alice, Lily, Daisy, Max, Jane, Marci, Patti, Tom & Becky, our veteran Lori and her friend Lisa.
Please note: Because of the great turnout this post is a little longer than usual.
After brief introductions by each of our PSST Parents we began with a Role Play of a Juvenile Hearing. This was to assist 3 of our PSST Families that have teens scheduled for a hearing at juvenile court.
ROLE PLAY
Thanks to our Role Players this week - Judge Alice, P.O. Ralph, P.D. Lloyd, D.A. Lori, Max the Troubled Teen, Candy the Concerned Mom and Rocco the Uncooperative Dad.
The scenario is that a teen has been caught in school with three dime bags of marijuana and is charged with Possession with intent to deliver.
For this Role Play case; The Teen’s parents are concerned about the seriousness of their teen’s court appearance and possible juvenile record, unfortunately, they cannot agree about the seriousness of their child’s drug usage and wretched behavior.
The mom would like to see their daughter placed into an Inpatient Recovery Program to get her away from the drugs as well as the people and the places that are triggers for her drug usage. She would also like to have a little time to restore some order to their home.
The dad thinks that their daughter is doing just fine in an Intensive Outpatient Program, that her usage is just typical teen behavior and he has no problem with her living at home. As he likes to say “Hey, I smoked a little pot in high school myself and I’m okay.”
The D.A. and the Probation Officer support the mom’s plan while the Public Defender, of course is there to defend the Teen and backs her dad’s idea.
 For the sake of time our Role Play assumed that a Plea Bargain was accepted by all parties. The teen would accept a “Consent Decree” on the Possession charge if the “Intent to Deliver” was dropped.
This allowed us to move on to the Disposition part of the hearing where the Judge or Hearing Officer decides on the teen’s best plan of treatment. This is where the parents and the teen get to speak up.
In our Role Play since the Mom and Dad could not agree on what was best for their teen, Judge Alice (assisted by Val K) decided that the teen would return home on “Home Detention”, is required to attend an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and to be drug tested every other day. The juvenile was also required to do a “90 in 90” program; that is to attend 90 approved recovery activities in 90 days.
If she breaches any of the above directives she will be in violation of her consent decree and may be taken to Shuman Center to await her hearing.
PLEASE NOTE: If both parents are on the same page and are willing to stand up to the Public Defender and to speak up at the hearing it will go a long way in getting their teen the help they want them to have. It typically takes parents out of their comfort zone to admit publicly that their child has a problem that is beyond their control in their home. Never the less, in the end it feels right in having a say in what kind of recovery program would best suit them. It also clarifies to the teen that the parents have the power in the family. Sally and I and other PSST Parents have learned how to do this and it has been worth the discomfort that we experienced for the results that we gained. It may help parents to collect and to write down your thoughts prior to the hearing and have them ready, if needed, to read at the hearing.
Explanations of Consent Decree, Hearing Officer, Home Detention and Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) can be found at the bottom of the blog.
LET'S TALK
Each of us had a chance to talk over our own situations and issues with our children in various stages of recovery. Because of the number of parents some kept their sharing short so those who really needed to talk had a chance. Thanks for your consideration.
As noted 3 of our PSST Families have teens that are scheduled for a hearing at juvenile court.
Marcie has a 16 year old son, Chuck, who was charged with possession of marijuana in school. He is awaiting his day in Juvenile Court and has been assigned a Probation Officer. Marcie is waiting for the PO to make contact with her. Her son has been up and down in his behavior the last few weeks. Marcie’s biggest problem is her ex-husband, Linus, who doesn’t want to address their son’s problem in the same urgent manner.
In fact anytime Chuck wants to act up he is welcomed at Linus’ house. Linus is a classic enabling dad. He lets Chuck pretty much have his way to visit people and places that can be trouble. Linus feels that Chuck is capable of making good decisions, is honest with him and feels that “we need to show our teen that we trust him”.
Can you believe this guy? I can. I practiced this same behavior 3 years ago myself and I was wrong. I was almost dead wrong.
As hard as it is, Marcie needs to accept the things she cannot change; courage to change the things she can; and wisdom to know the difference. She cannot control what happens at Linus’ house or improve Linus' attitude. She needs to work with the PO and the system to the best of her ability. She needs to make clear what acceptable behavior in her own home is and enforce it, not just with Chuck, but with all of her children. It is a big change, it feels uncomfortable and it will take time.
You’re doing the right thing for you and your son Marcie – Keep attending the PSST Meetings, we’re here for you.
Jane, one of our new PSST Moms, has a 17 year old son we call Elroy. See Jane’s Post “A Mom’s Story – Let’s Try Something Completely Different"
Elroy is about to turn 18 and also has a hearing pending on possession. Jane is working hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. She is doing a lot of ‘right stuff” including looking into Act 53.
Jane’s biggest road block is her husband George. George is another typical enabling dad who does not want to deal with his son’s need to correct his behavior, who openly disagrees with his spouse and who is “waiting for his son to turn 18 and leave home”. This does nothing to help their son’s recovery but George thinks that it will make “their problems go away”. This can be a deadly solution as well.
Jane has read up on the PSST “power words and phrases” and has put them into good practice over the last few weeks.
Elroy once again attempted to manipulate his mom into turning back on the texting on his cell phone. Jane held her ground despite his “But I am being so good” ploy, and then his “I am not going to school” ruse and finally his “Well then I will not go to IOP tonight” threat. She reminded Elroy that he is about to turn 18 and is old enough to make those decisions nevertheless he better be prepared to accept the consequences, especially with his hearing coming up. Well, Elroy went to school, went to his IOP meeting and Elroy still cannot text.
Good move Jane!
This is so important – Cell Phones and texting are basically nothing but more drug paraphernalia. Cutting off texting takes away a lot of the people that our children should not be dealing with.
Jane is awarded a PSSTrophy for using the most PSST power phrases (“You’re right”, “Never-the-less” and “Ask me again”) decisively and effectively before attending her first official PSST Meeting.
Thanks for joining us Jane – You are taking back the power and doing so much to help your son start his recovery.
Becky and Tom’s son recently began an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. Entering an inpatient program is certainly a tough transition for our teens. It is likewise a difficult time for the parents. Moving into an unfamiliar territory is always uncomfortable. First to admit that your child has a problem that is beyond your control can be awkward. Second, even though you understand the program is what they need, it does not always feel right.
Try to remember that your son is clean, safe and under the care of professionals.
This is not a time to feel guilty. You now have some quiet time to sort things out, get some rest and to do some things that your son’s behavior prevented you from doing. You can enjoy stopping for lunch without wondering where he might be going, get through your day without the school calling and have a good night’s sleep without wondering when he will sneak out. This is the time for No Guilt.
The road to recovery is not one that parents think that they will need to travel but when you find yourself there you want to obtain all of the directions and guidance that you can find.
We hope to see you again at our meetings Becky and Tom – As Max wrote in July; “All I know is, I don't feel like crying right now, because I spent the last year crying and worrying. He is now in a safe place. Maybe I can relax a bit and take a deep breath before embarking on the next chapter…” – We understand where you are and we are here to support and guide you.
Daisy is a one of our Super PSST Moms. She started attending meetings in May, 2009. She tried to work with her 15 year old son, Ozzie, over the summer in an IOP recovery program. When he would not cooperate Daisy did not hesitate and used Act 53 to get him into an inpatient program.
When Ozzie began acting up at his inpatient program Daisy filed charges against him. He had his juvenile hearing last week. Ozzie is now on probation in a second facility with a consent decree. Daisy managed to stand up to the Public Defender and stand up in court to see that her son received the help that he needs. Sally and I and a lot of our PSST Partners have been there Daisy and we know what an effort this takes to get the courage to do this.
Daisy told us two interesting things that occurred in juvenile court. First the Public Defender asked Ozzie if his mom would stick with her charges or was there a chance that she would back down. Ozzie told him that there is no way his mom would back done. The second is when the hearing was over the judge asked Daisy if she attended the PSST Meetings. She proudly assured her that “Yes, I do.”
When she went to visit Ozzie he told her that he thinks that he is finally getting it. He regretted that if he would have got it earlier he would still be home with her. He said he will try to accept the program and get back home when he can.
Way to go Daisy.
You have come a long way in a short time! If you get time please take the time to share your story on the blog with us. It would be great to hear it told from your perspective. OH, and thanks for the delicious cake!
Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house. She took him out on a pass to have lunch. On the way back they stopped at a store to pick up some supplies. When they returned to the car Sal asked if he could go back in to the store to pick up a magazine. When he came back he didn’t have the magazine and had his hands in his jacket pockets, After Violet confronted him he pulled out some over the counter medicine that he purchased.
He gave his mom the medicine hoping that she would not tell the counselors at the halfway house. Violet remembered that keeping secrets is another way to enable your adolescent. As hard as it was she told them and also explained her concerns about his depression. The halfway house kept him in the safe room that night and Val is trying to work with them to get Sal the help he needs.
Depression and suicide are serious subjects that we need to face up to and act on.
Suicide threats and suicide attempts should ALWAYS be taken very seriously. If your child threatens suicide take them to an emergency room immediately for an evaluation.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Violet is doing what she can to get Sal onto probation to get him some more help in his recovery. She has put a lot of effort into her son’s recovery and is the one person who has stuck with him and seen him through his issues.
Violet’s next big task is to take some time out for herself.
Thanks for sticking with PSST Violet. You’re helping your son and you're helping our new PSST Parents and we’re here to help you.
Sally & Rocco’s son Cisco is looking forward to returning to the adult recovery program he ran away from a few weeks ago. If there is an upside to his running away it is that the program wants him back. It’s also good that he has learned that he has nowhere to run to. Once PO Columbo and Family Counselor Nancy Drew turned up the heat in the township none of Cisco’s so-called friends wanted anything to do with him, much less let him hide out in their basements.
Cisco has also has discovered that he doesn’t want to hang out with teenage users, and thinks he is ready to begin his recovery. Our last few visits with Cisco have gone well.
Like everything else these days, Sally and I will take this one day at a time.
Rose is one of our newer PSST Moms and is still not ready to open up and share her story at this time and that is okay.
Please keep visiting with us at PSST Rose; we are all here to support and encourage you.
Candy told us that her daughter Tori is doing well in a recovery program for young girls. Candy and her husband Aaron had the courage to stand up in court several times this summer. They did everything they could to see that their daughter Tori was placed back into an inpatient recovery program. Like many of us, Candy and Aaron’s family have a few more years to heal themselves along with Tori. Addiction is a family disease and we all need to continue to work at our recovery.
Thanks for being part of PSST Candy. You have showed everyone what it means to stand up for your family.
Max has been coming to PSST for almost a year with her husband Mel. Max and Mel have learned to convey to their two sons that they are a team, they are in charge and that they cannot be manipulated or separated. They have helped their sons through their difficulties this year and their family is on the way to recovery.
AS Max posted in Dr. Max Explains it All to You: Diagnosis W.I.S.:
‘…following a therapists' advice does not mean you are giving the kid too much power as in the past. It may mean that you need to find "the courage to change what you can". But, being knowledgeable and empowered gives parents the courage to say "I'm not comfortable with that"!’
Lloyd commented: 'It is a challenge for us all to keep the focus on ourselves especially when a loved one suffers from addiction; it is so important because without keeping the focus on ourselves we are less grounded to help our loved one.'
Thanks for continuing in PSST Max and for sharing your stories on the blog.
 It was good to see Lily again. Lily’s son has completed his inpatient recovery program, returned to school and earned his Eagle Scout Rank. Lily said that things are going well for them and appreciates how PSST helped them to get to where they are. She also had thanks for Wesley Spectrum and specifically Cathy C’s help with her son.
Congratulations to you and your son, Lily. Please keep on dropping in see us at PSST. If you have the time we would love to have you share your story on the blog.
Alice and Ralph’s son Ed has recently completed his inpatient program and is attending school. He is also starting up his landscaping business again. Their older son Norton has made the choice to leave home and to live life on his own terms rather than follow their house rules. They let him know that he is welcomed back home when he is ready to comply.
Alice shared a story about this. The other day, while Ralph and Ed where out, she had a knock on the door. She opened the door to a couple of sheriffs and a street full of police cars and vans. They had a warrant for Norton. Alice explained where he was and she was told that they would put out a national alert for him. Just so there were no big surprises Alice hurried to call Ralph and let him know why there were so many police vehicles around their home, if he spotted them on his way home. Boy, talk about a trigger for parents!
Ralph and Alice have been in PSST for less than one year. They have contributed a lot to our meetings and to our blog. Ralph wrote a piece on the blog called Flying Above the Storm…
“…And suddenly, the rain started to lift a little. The lightning wasn't coming so close. The storm was moving off. ... Wait, it wasn't the storm that was moving. My son is still a drug addict and alcoholic, who doesn't want to get clean, and is facing serious charges. My son, from my point of view, is still trying to wreck his entire life. The storm is still there. The storm is still destroying things and lives. It was me who was moving. I was learning to fly above his problems. I was the one who saw that I could become an eagle. I still have a long way to go. My son will probably learn better manipulation techniques. But I can learn too. I can fly higher above his problems. I can work on my own problems. But most of all, I can learn to fly above the storm.”
Thanks Ralph and Alice. You both have learned so much so quickly. You have taught us at PSST how important it is to "fly above the storm" of manipulation. Your wisdom, your good sense of humor and your resolve are so beneficial to all of us.
We appreciate that Marcie’s friend Patti returned to our PSST meeting. Her teenage son like so many others has been “experimenting” with marijuana and defiant behavior. Unlike Marcie, Patti’s husband is on the same page as her in dealing with their son. They will not allow themselves to be manipulated by him.
Teens that abuse drugs are master manipulators. Stay alert at all times of the tremendous manipulative skills teenage addicts develop and their uncanny ability to switch techniques almost the instant they realize that the method they are using is not working. They can turn from your sweet child to a nagging whiner or an angry monster punching holes in walls and doors, in seconds, to get what they want.
Thanks for returning to PSST Patti. You are off to a good start. Please come to some more meetings. Remember to practice "I am not comfortable with that."
Lori came back to share with us. Lori started with PSST for help when her son Richie was in his mid-teens. They have been through about ten years of recovery together. He has been through several programs and has not been home for most of the time. Richie left for Miami a few years ago. He finished his college degree and now has a full time job.
Richie called Lori last week.
He asked her “Are you still going to those meeting with that Lloyd guy?”
When she said yes he told her “You tell him to tell the parents that they are in charge and they should keep doing everything that they are doing to help keep their kids clean.”
This is what Lori had been waiting to hear for almost ten years; her son is getting it!
As tough as it has been, Lori has done all she can to see that her son recovers and makes a life for himself. She thinks that it is good for him to be away from home and clean for now.
Thanks for returning and sharing your story with us Lori, it was so good to see you again.
Lori’s friend Millie is also an experienced parent of a son in recovery.
Freddie has been in and out of recovery programs also and lives away from home now. She wishes that she had PSST to help her when he was still a teen. You might remember at our Wexford September meeting that Freddie had just left on a trip to Europe. Millie was glad to report that he had no problems and he is back in the country. Like Lori she realizes that it is better that he lives away from home for now. He is alive and in recovery and that is what we all want for our sons and daughters with drug problems.
If anyone even suspects that their teenager is using drugs or alcohol they should come to a PSST Meeting. They are getting involved in what can be a deadly game. We will show you the proper way to confront your child about these issues. The worst that can happen is that you become a better educated parent and your child understands that you will not tolerate drugs and alcohol usage.
Thanks for making it to the meeting Millie and sharing your story.
Note from Rocco: Wow. That was a Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. If I missed anything, or got something wrong, or you just want to comment please do at the bottom of this post or send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com
What does _____________________ mean? A couple of Definitions
To see more click on Juvenile Court Glossary
Consent Decree – An order of the Court which suspends the delinquent proceedings against a juvenile. It places youth under voluntary supervision in his or her own home, under terms and conditions negotiated with the probation department and agreed to by all parties affected. It can be in effect for up to one year with reviews at three, six, nine and twelve months.
The Judge offers a Consent Decree when he feels that there is proof of criminal behavior but he would like to give the juvenile a chance to complete a period of Court supervision successfully without making a Court Finding of Delinquency, therefore there is no record of Delinquency. Of course, if things don't go well the case comes back into Court and the Judge may issue a Finding of Delinquency the second time around. If things do go well the charges end up being dismissed.
Hearing Officer – an attorney appointed by the Court who is authorized, under the Juvenile Act, to conduct delinquency and dependency hearings. Hearing Officers’ decisions can be appealed to a Juvenile Court Judge.
Home Detention - Home detention refers to a measure by which a juvenile is confined in his/her residence by the authorities. Under home detention travel, if allowed, will be restricted to only appropriate travel (school, court, community service, doctor visits, PO visits, church services, etc.) Home detention serves as an alternative to juvenile detention. Visitors are restricted to only persons approved by the juvenile authorities and parents. The juvenile must call-in before leaving the house at anytime and call-in upon their return. The juvenile also receives random calls to verify that they are home. In some cases the juvenile will also be placed on an electronic monitor (aka ankle bracelet.
Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) - support program used primarily to treat chemical dependency that does not rely on detoxification. A typical IOP program offers group and individual services of 10–12 hours a week. IOP allows the individual to be able to participate in their daily affairs, such as work, and then participate in treatment at an appropriate facility in the morning or at the end of the day.
The typical IOP program encourages active participation in 12-step programs in addition to the IOP participation. IOP can be more effective than individual therapy for chemical dependency
Have any questions? Come to our next PSST Meeting.
QUESTIONS LIKE:
- What did I do wrong?
- How can I tell if my teen is addicted or suffering from depression?
- What can I do? If I even mention the subject they get angry and start talking about suicide.
- Give me a break. If I don’t give them the money they will nag me to death or just take it.
- How can I say no when they work so hard at doing good?
- What if the family/friends/neighbors/school/coach/church group/coworkers/police/scout leader finds out? I would be MORTIFIED! They will think that I am a horrible parent.
- How can I take their cell phone away? How will I get hold of them? How will I know where they are at? Besides they paid for it.
- What if I confront them about drug or alcohol use and they are clean? They will think that I am crazy.
- What happens if they are arrested and charged? They will have a record. They won’t be able to get a job or attend the school that they want to. The will get kicked off of the team.
- How can I talk to them without making them angry? They’ll yell obscenities at me and punch the walls.
- Why in the world would I put my teen into a rehab program? They will meet drug addicts and dealers there!
- How can I press charges against them? Even the local police told me it is just a little bit of weed and the most that will happen is the magistrate will fine them and I will have to pay it.
- If I press charges against my own child, how will they ever trust me again?
- How can I tell my kid not to use? They know that I used when I was a teenager. I’d be like a hypocrite or something.
- What can I do? My husband/wife/partner/mother/dad/brother/sister already thinks that I always over-react about everything?
COME TO PSST FOR ANSWERS TO THESE AND OTHER QUESTIONS YOU HAVEN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF YET!
THANKS
Thanks again to all who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. As noted when you look around the room you see a lot nodding in agreement and understanding of where you are coming from. We are always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to EMPOWER THE PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help their teenager to save their life.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday November 13 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon and join us.
PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting.
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Our 18 year old Michael, who had been inpatient at Gateway over the summer, has been doing well as of late. He has been successfully discharged from out patient Gateway, has started a new job, has not been late for home curfew, and is learning how to drive.
In short, he is acting like the kid I was hoping he would be.
I should be happy and thank my Higher Power for the good that is NOW, not thinking about tomorrow, just enjoying the moment. W.I.S. Syndrome (click here to read all about W.I.S - 'WHAT IF SYNDROME') has the ability to destroy this deserved sense of well-being. If you let it, that is...
There is no school today due to Veteran's Day. So yesterday early evening, Michael called to ask, could he have an extended curfew since there was no school. His weekday curfew is 9PM. Since he had been doing well, and I knew what he was doing and who he was with, I said, "sure, how about 11pm, and not a moment after". He was very happy with this.
As the evening wore on, I started to feel "WISSY" and all the old thoughts came rushing back into my head: "Do I really know where he is?" "Do I really know who he is with"?
"What if...."
At 10:57 Michael walked in the house, yelled hello as he walked up into our room to say good night as is typical for him. I always use this opportunity to get a good look - how are his eyes, how does he smell, is he walking in a straight line, is he slurring his words...you all do the same. I did not notice anything out of the ordinary. But I still felt unsure - something in my gut had me concerned. Was it something I was missing, or was I just WISSING?
I decided to go to the kitchen where Michael was making his usual snack at the usual time. He turned to me and said "what's up"?
I decided to engage him in a conversation to double check his word-slur situation - always a reliable sign of alcohol consumption in Michael.
Max: Just was wondering what you did tonight?
Mike: I told you - I was hanging out at X's house with Cindy and Sandy- we watched a movie.
Max: I don't know Sandy and Cindy...
Mike:(laughing to himself) they are twins...
Max: (getting WISSIER) what is that supposed to mean?!
Mike: (smiling) Ma, that is TOO MUCH INFORMATION you are asking for!
Max: (trying not to WIS-out) Uh, were there any parents at home? were you alone with these girls?
Mike: MA! I understand why you want to know where I am, but I'm not gonna give you details on this kind of stuff!!
Max: (God forgive me, WIS took over and I actually said this) Please don't tell me you had an ORGY
Mike: OH MY GOD, MOM! THAT IS SICK!!
Max: I agree, Max...see you tomorrow....
One would think that would satisfy. No words slurred there. But as one who is WIS inclined, I couldn't sleep. I wanted to swab his mouth with an alcohol tester. But I totally WISSED out...
...I was afraid if he was positive and all of what that would imply, and afraid of his reaction to my lack of trust if it were clean. So I did nothing, and fell back on my old habits.
Early this morning, before I went to work, I decided to confront the situation, the only known cure for What If Syndrome...
...Face it head on!
I took an alcohol swab in hand, because some information says it works within 12 hours of consumption, and by my count, it was 10 hours. I was going to use my PSST tools to help:
Max: Michael, I have something I want to talk to you about, and I am pretty sure you are going to be upset -so I am giving you permission to get up and walk out if you are...
Mike: (angrily) Mom, this better not be about those TWINS!!
Max: no, I wanted to know if you guys drank or smoked last night.
Mike: (totally fine with this question) No, why?
Max: Well, sometimes it is difficult for me to believe a group of kids were together, hanging out, and no one was using...
Mike: Well, we weren't.
Max: Then you won't mind when I ask you to spit in this cup so I can alcohol test you?
Mike: What is the point of that, I doubt it would work now anyway.
Max: So you are refusing?
Mike: No, I'll do it, it just is bothering me why you want me to now.
Max: (dipping the swab in his swill) Negative! Thanks, Mike.
Mike: I still don't get it. I told you. It bothers me that you have to treat me like this after all the good I've been doing.
Max: Mike, I understand if you are insulted by my lack of trust. You have been working so hard, and doing better all the time. Dad and I recognize that and are proud of you for it. I am still working on myself, getting used to the "new you", and sometimes I get frightened - I have triggers too! So the only way I can calm myself down is by asking you directly and by testing you.
I have the right to do this anytime I want, as long as you are living in my house. Any human can slip up and take a step backwards at any time of life - don't be insulted.
Mike: I know mom...
So, I feel much better now. We had a good conversation; I was able to reiterate rules, and demonstrate to him that I am human too and can revert to old behaviors just like he can.
NEVERTHELESS...
...as I read back over my conversation, I think I could have done my last comment better. It would have been something like this:
Max: Mike, I agree with you that I have a lack of trust. I also agree that you have been working hard and doing well, and because of this it seems unfair that I should want to test you, right?
Mike: yeah, it sucks.
Max: You got that right, it does. Nevertheless, I am going to test you. It's been a long road for both of us, and you being out with friends is a trigger for me sometimes. So I need to be honest and upfront about it with you, and not ignore my signals. Otherwise, I will worry more and trust you less.
If only we could have "instant replay" in life!
But since we can't, my general advice would be.....
Don't get WISSED...
...get PSST!!!
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Do you ever talk about anger with your teenager? Does your teenager suffer from temper outbursts where things are said and things are broken, later to be replaced? Here's a few things to keep in mind when you talk to your teenager about anger. Don't try to have this conversation during an outburst. That's like trying to fix an electrical problem during a power shortage. Timing can be everything.
1. It happens to all of us, or at least so many of us that it seems like all of us. Share with your teen a time when you had an outburst. How do you handle it when you are angry?
2. It feels REALLY GOOD to be angry! Admit that. You may find that your teenager is ready to talk about that part and you may notice that your teenager is surprised that you know this or that you would admit it. It's almost like admitting that drug abuse can be really fun. We all know that but gee we hate to admit it. Is it a secret that an angry outburst is fun?
3. REGARDING #2: No Buts. This is better done if you admit that angry outbursts are fun and don't say "but" right afterwards. "You know, it might be fun to be angry, but you soon will regret it- so remember, don't allow yourself to get so angry." If you say that to a teenager they will believe that you know nothing about being angry. Try something like this instead:
Parent: You know, the thing about anger (said in a slight whispered voice for effect: as though you are going to share a big secret) is that it feels really good to be angry. It's (make a hulk gesture as you say this) AWESOME! I feel incredibly powerful when I'm angry- it's as though nothing can harm me. I mean the power I feel is incredible. (there was a reason why when Bruce Banner changed he became the "INCREDIBLE HULK.")
Teen: I know, it does feel really good when I get angry.
Parent: Oh yeah, I know trust me, I've been and I still get huge anger feelings where, (start to whisper again) I think the reason I feel so much power is because I've convinced myself, you know temporarily, that I don't care about consequences. For that moment, I truly don't care what happens.
Teen: I know! Me too! But later I don't feel that way at all, I feel like crap later.
Parent: I know me too! I guess that's why today, when I allow myself to get all worked up, usually there aren't any witnesses. Even when I'm in a true rage today I rarely break anything that is going to cost me or is going to be a problem to replace. I'm not sure how I do that- but it's almost a controlled rage- does that make sense? Then, later I still feel bad.
Teen: Yeah. Me too. Later I feel embarrassed. Especially if it happens in front of people. Like that time I broke all your kitchen stuff. I mean, it felt really really great breaking all that stuff. Then I realized how much that would hurt you and how much trouble I was going to be in. I started cleaning it up but I knew I could never replace all that stuff and I felt pretty bad about it.
Parent: Yeah, that was a bad day for me. [pause here and there is no need to say something like: "oh, that's OK, don't worry, we have all that behind us." Reason: we are trying to lead teen to focus on how damaging the tantrum can be. Now he is there. Let him stay there, don't rescue him. It's another form of enabling or making the teen feel better. Sometimes you don't need to feel better, you need to allow yourself the time and the moment to feel bad. It's a good thing to feel bad about destroying your mother's kitchen, but sometimes the pain for us puts that kind of discussion out of reach.]
Parent: You know, feeling bad about it shows that you care. It doesn't change the pain for me, I loved that kitchen stuff and even today it's hurts to think that you would take that from me. Feeling bad doesn't bring it all back or erase the painful memories. But it shows that you care and I'm glad you care about it.
4. Find out if anger is tied to your teenager's disease of addiction. Hint: yes, it is!
Parent: You know, I think there is a similarity between the good feeling that we all get when we are angry, and the good feeling we get when we abuse drugs. It feels good. Then, it feels bad.
Teen: Yup.
Parent: You know, I wonder, and I'm not at all sure about this so please don't hesitate to say if I'm wrong here (oh don't worry - he won't hesitate- but now that you said this, you just improved the chances of being right with the oppositionally challenged) but it seems like when you got angry you would seek drugs right away, you know, so that you could feel better I guess.
Teen: Well sure. When I got mad I got high.
Parent: Oh so you think maybe the two things are connected?
Teen: Sure. But sometimes I just get mad and it's not about drugs.
5. If you got this far, why not go for the gold? Help your teenager prepare for angry outbursts by labeling his anger as either
A. Drug seeking behavior or as a trigger for drug seeking behavior.
B. His disease of addiction that is trying to kill him.
Parent: You know, I think you just said something really important. At least it's important to help me understand addiction. You said that when you got angry you did drugs. When you got angry it didn't always feel like it was about drugs, but when you got angry it usually led back to drugs.
Teen: Sure.
Parent: So, in a way, anger's a trigger?
Teen: I don't really have triggers. Nothing can make me use if I don't want to. (For some reason the idea of triggers turns a lot of teens off- they feel that they get high just because they want to get high and therefore if they don't want to get high, no triggers will make them get high. No matter how much rehab time they have, they seem to struggle with this- to the point that sometimes I wonder if even using the term is somehow a problem, but I haven't figured out how to avoid it.)
Parent: Right! Isn't that the trick, eh? If somehow you didn't want to use, then it would all be so easy! (Refrain from being right about triggers: it isn't worth the struggle for right now.)
Parent: I guess what you're helping me to understand, is that anger is something that can really make you want to get high- or that you really want to get high and that's part of the reason that your disease wants you to be angry- because anger can lead to more drug abuse.
Now it depends on where the teenager goes with this and as always, it's important to be with the teenager and follow his line of thinking. You can still twist, but you can't divert the conversation where you think it should go. Just listen, pay attention, and see where he is going. If he seems to be putting two plus two together in a way that you like- thank him for helping you to better understand his addiction.
However, if the conversation allows- here is a good place to head towards with this anger thing:
6. Parent: You know from everything you've been telling me I just got this completely stupid idea. But it's sort of funny, but it's stupid, can I tell you?
(no teenager ever declined when offered a completely stupid, sort of funny, idea. That's like refusing an eclair- you might not start out looking for one, but darn it, when it pops up in front of you and says "take me quick" you feel like it was a sign from higher up that you deserved a treat!)
Teen: What?
Parent: Well I just imagined someone feeling angry, ready to have an outburst, and they go up to the person who is making them start to feel the rage, and they say: "Mister, right now my disease of addiction has me by the balls* so bad that it wants me to verbally abuse you while using ten different choice profanities and seven different horrible names, followed by one really good threat on your life, and for good measure my disease wants me to put a hole in the wall right behind you- you know, just so that you feel my power and feel what a close call you just had! But I know that this is just my disease just trying to get me to use drugs, because after all, I would feel so bad later that picking up a drug would just come natural. But mister, in spite of the fact that I do find you really annoying, this is more about me than it is about you. Just for today, I'm not going to do any of that. Just for today, I'm going to recognize that this is all about my addiction, and just leave it at that. Thanks for listening!
Teen: Yeah, that was stupid. But it was funny too. You know, I could never say all that!
Parent: I could never say all that to someone either! But everything you said, got me thinking about that because that is what you are saying even though you could never tell someone all that- that is the bottom line huh?
Teen: Yeah
Parent: Too bad that is so hard to say huh?
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: I wonder if someone did say all that, if they would still be angry.
Teen: [laughs] I don't think you could say all that and still be angry. I think it would be funny!
Parent: [shares in the laugh] me too.
Teen: That guy got to say how he was feeling too.
Parent: What do you mean.
Teen: Well, it seems in this rehab that they just want me to not get angry. But I have to get some of it out. They don't tell me how to do that. I guess something like that would do that huh? (this seems unlikely but I have had this said to me by an angry youth in a rehab- and he came up with it during a conversation similar to this one.)
Parent: I didn't think of that! (another way to agree that it was a good point).
Teen: Yeah, that's my problem. I try and try not to get angry but I'm just getting madder and madder and eventually I'm going to blow.
Parent: So, even though my idea was stupid, you found something in it that might be important.
Teen: Yeah.
Parent: Thanks for taking me so seriously today- I appreciate that. I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to be an expert on all this.
Teen: No. You're welcome [smiles].
Keep in mind that 99 % of the time it would never go anything like that. Never say never, but still don't expect it; however if you pay attention to where your teenager is taking the conversation, and if you twist gently, it could go somewhere just as interesting.
6. Offer Help:
Parent: Look, there probably isn't, but if there is anything I can ever do, you know, if you are feeling a rage coming on- and if there's something that I can do to help, let me know. I wouldn't know how I can help maybe, unless you told me what that would be. So, don't be afraid to tell me if I can help. Tell me ahead of time even, if you feel like it- so that I would be better prepared.
Teen: Nope. Nothing you can do.
Parent: Ok, I didn't think so. I just wanted you to know I care and if I could help I would try.
Teen: I know.
Analysis: two seeds were planted. The obvious one: you addressed the oppositional nature by saying, "I don't think there is, but..." Now, your teenager will mull it over. They may surprise you by coming back later and informing you that you are wrong. There is something that you can do to help. Perhaps there is something that can interrupt the rage process and your teenager may discover that you can help in that way. The fact that they discovered it will almost insure that it will work.
Seed number two: you mentioned "feeling a rage coming on." That is important that your teen realizes that, but you don't want to beat him over the head with it, so just mentioning it was fine. Let's face it: once the rage is present, it's difficult to deal with it or to stop it, but when you feel it coming on, all things are possible if one acts quickly.
7. But what if your teenager is already in a rage? How do you handle that?
First of all attempt this type of conversation soon or a similar one. Then, at some point let your teen know ahead of time how you plan to handle rage issues. If the teen has expressed some ideas on this try to use it. If not, come up with your own ideas. Follow the plan that you have set up. There may be differences in the plan from family to family, but make sure you have one.
For more on handling temper tantrums click fearless.
Or click temper tantrums.
Another good read is an early post by Sally Push Mom's Buttons She is the New Video Game.
One more is Defiance: Tie for Third Place.
Really, there is a lot on this blog that has already been written about what to do for a temper tantrum. Just put "temper" in the seach window up top right of the blog and you will get three pages of articles where temper has been mentioned. Once again, how you handle a temper tantrum might be guided by the discussion that you have with your teenager before the temper tantrum starts.
*Note: Some parents would find saying "got me by the balls" as a squeamish affair. They would see it as a slippery slope and it is. It and other colorful phrases are optional and not at all necessary; however, if you are a parent who would never use such a phrase then you have the power, by choosing strategically to use such a phrase, to make the conversation pretty much unforgettable to your teenager. Other phrases that you may be more comfortable with and which still paint a picture of the teen's addiction "having a hold" on him:
My disease has a noose around my neck and it's getting ready to kick out the chair.
My disease crawled up my butt and incubated in my stomach- now it's trying to take over whats going on in my brain and coming out my mouth.
My disease has me on the ropes and it's winding up for the kockout punch.
My disease has has hit me hard today. Someone please call 911 and get me an ambulance over here!
I need a ambulance fast or it might be too late- and if I can't get that how about a life line?
My disease isn't happy unless I'm crying out in pain and blaming someone else for causing it. Today my disease wants me to blame you but I ain't buying it. As anoying as you can be, this isn't all your fault today.
My disease has me in a headlock cause I'm stuck on bulls&^% today
My disease hit me hard today. It was like getting hit by a hit and run. Now I know when I think of all the stupid things my disease wants me to say to you, that the car is going into reverse and I'm goin to get run over again. Just for today I don't want that to happen
My disease threw me under the bus today. I tried to pull you under with me when I said all those mean things to you- I'm sorry. Really, I only meant half of them at best :-)
Also, one type of enabling is to never, no matter how old your son or daughter becomes, to treat them like they are an adult. Using such a phrase says to the teenager (and to the parent) that this person is growing up and as such can now enjoy sharing an adult phrase with the parent. They say much worse among themselves. They've heard much worse. You've said much worse perhaps to your best friend. But to say any even mild adult phrase to your teen would mean that you see that he is growing up. We persist in not recognizing such events and consequently, the teen is even more pressured to show you that indeed he is growing up and darn it he will now start to make all his own decisions just to show you that he is no longer a child.
Let's take little ways to acknowledge that while our teen may not be competent to make all his own decisions he is for sure growing up and can occasionally enjoy a "grab you by the balls" kind of expression. Just do it in private. Do it in a whisper so that he knows this is something you don't share lightly and it is something that you are sharing just with him. But don't ask that he not tell anyone that you said it because that is where you have slipped on the slippery slope. It's not that bad of a thing that we have to have a family secret over it and we know that secrets are generally bad for recovery. He can tell someone but you trust that he will be discreet because after all, he is growing up and can be trusted with the use of such a phrase. Ever hear your teen say you never trust him? Well you just did. Not with the car keys but with something much more intimate.
Note #2: This does not mean that you get more bang for your phrase buck if you start to say F this and F that to your teenager a lot. That is not necessary, especially if you normally don't talk that way to him. If your teenager is institutionalized he may have rules about language and you want to make sure that you set a good example by following those rules. I'm just talking about a very ocassional well placed adult phrase and I don't want any readers to conclude that I am granting a license to swear up a storm with teenagers.
Todays picture is taken from the free photos offered at Photoexpress.
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AVOID THE ENDLESS ARGUMENT
Way back when, back in the days of FORTRAN class, we wrote programs to solve problems. A program is a series of logical arguments. You input your program and your data into the computer. The computer uses this to logically answer a series of “yes or no” questions. This leads to final “if yes then perform some action, otherwise do this” exercise. The computer very quickly and very logically gives you a logical answer, usually.
Occasionally a program error will occur resulting in something called a “DO-LOOP”. A “DO-LOOP” causes the computer to repeatedly search for a logical answer that is usually not there. This “endless loop” results in excessive and pointless computing time and a lot of wasted paper and ink typically ending with an exasperated look from your professor.
I find a similar circumstance when dealing with a teenage substance abuser, especially one that is programmed to be oppositional defiant.
You present a series of, what you see as, logical statements and some basic data. You expect the teen to very quickly and very logically accept your argument and give you a logical answer.
Your error here is in the word “expect”. This error typically results in what we’ll call an “endless argument” resulting in excessive energy and emotion, pointless discussion and a lot of wasted time typically ending with an annoyed glare from your teen.
To avoid the “endless argument” you as a parent need to remember a few things:
1. You, the parent, need to stay calm, keep it short and to the point and to make the decision of when the discussion is over.
2. If you expect to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent you are setting yourself up for disappointment, exasperation and frustration.
3. Find some little thing to agree with your teenager.
4. Words mean something. Use them carefully.
5. One size DOES NOT fit all.
These are all easy to forget, especially when you become angry, excited, or provoked.
Sometimes we are so determined to make our point we will go on and on and on. To avoid the “endless argument” you need to “say it - mean it - and move on”. Don't prolong an unproductive discussion because you may give your teen the impression that the issue is still up for debate.
Click on the post Are we as oppositional as our teenagers seem to be? for more help with this.
Please note that this does not mean that your teen should not be heard. As noted above, find some small thing to agree with your teen.
Even if it is just…
“You’re right, I am a horrible person and I feel so bad about it…”
 (Then give it the PSSTwist)
“…never the less I am not going to give you $20 to go to the movies tonight. You know, I guess that I am really cheap.”
OR
“You’re right Honey, I guess I really do worry way too much, don’t I? I will try to work on that…”
(Then give it the PSSTwist)
“…regardless I am not comfortable with you going out tonight. Hey I know maybe you can do something with the family tonight. That would go a long way into helping me worry less.”
Click on the post Won't you give me three steps, gimme three steps mister... for more help with this.
NOTE: Because you agree with something they said doesn’t mean that you have changed your mind. Hold your ground. Remember to TWIST your agreement with "nevertheless" or "regardless." These two words are truly power-words. Other words can be used; however, these two serve the purpose of keeping the speaker on track without making a judgment. Try not to use "but" because that "but" negates your previous agreement.
Sometimes we respond with something that we probably shouldn’t have. This is an inherent risk with the “endless argument”. The longer the “discussion” goes on the more likely we are to give in to something we shouldn’t out of frustration. Or we may say something “spiteful” out of anger. Both of these are harmful and will be thrown back at us later. 
If you have a persistent teen that refuses to take no for an answer, pull the “Ask me again” technique out of your PSST bag of tricks.
Teen: “So can I go then?”
Parent: “No. You know, it seems like you really have a need to keep on asking though so why don’t you ask me again?”
Teen: “So, like what, can I go then?”
Parent: “No, I’m sorry. If you really need to, though, you can ask me again.”
Teen: “Huh? What are you talking about?”
Parent: “You see Honey. It seems like you really have, like, an urge to keep asking if you can go out. My answer will always be no for tonight. But if you really need to keep asking me that’s okay.”
Teen: “@#$%! You’re nuts!” They usually walk away at this time.
Parent: “Thanks for checking with me first.”
If our teen is “Oppositional Defiant” we may want to start off any discussion with a “Permission to Act Out” statement. Something like:
“You may not like what we have to say. If you have a problem with it you can get up and go to your room.”
OR
“You know, you probably will not be able to handle this program, but maybe we could give it a try. If you can’t do it we would understand.”
All of these methods are tried and true, but they work to varying degrees at different times. The more that you use them the more natural they become and the better they work. My wife came home from work laughing the other day. She used it on one of her coworkers and didn’t even realize it until it was all over. Her coworker backed off and she felt great. We can help you to role play these at our PSST meetings and maybe even give you a few pointers on your delivery.
If you miss an opportunity to use any of these, don’t fret, your teen will give you another chance in a short time.
Sometimes we get so frustrated that we walk away and don’t say anything at all.
There are times that saying nothing can be better than prolonging an “endless argument.” However make sure that your point has been made.
Beware that you do not “imply your okay” or convey your “I don’t want to know what you’re doing” consent with your silence. This would be another form of “enabling”.
ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL
Now let’s discuss #2 …expecting to get the same response from a teenage drug/alcohol user that you get from a non-using adolescent… and #5 One size DOES NOT fit all.
One of the first lessons in coaching, management and life is “One size DOES NOT fit all.” It sounds so “fair” as in “I am fair. I treat everyone exactly the same.” That would be great if everyone was the same.
The first thing we need to learn is that life is not fair. The second thing is that everyone is an individual and that each individual will respond to a different motivation.
Realize that the adolescent brain is not the same as an adult brain. The adolescent's brain will be developing until they reach their mid-twenties. These developing brains are not as able to assess the dangers associated with risk taking. If their brain is now impaired by Drug/Alcohol Abuse there are further serious consequences. The most serious consequence is that prolonged drug use can change the brain in fundamental and long-lasting ways. Eventually, it becomes difficult for them to derive pleasure from other normal activities, such as sports, food, or sex.
Click on the following posts for more on this:
The Adolescent Brain
Drugs and the brain
So when you attempt to have your “logical discussion” with a teen that has been using drugs or alcohol understand that you will not get the same response or result that you would from a teen that is not using.
The same goes for delivering ultimatums to them. Your statement may very clear to you, to another adult and even to a non-using teen but it is not to a teen substance abuser. Expecting them to understand, comprehend, remember and follow through with no further explanation, follow-up, or interaction is bound to fail.
This will lead to a lot of disappointment, exasperation and frustration and will not help you or your teen.
Communication with a teenage drug/alcohol user is something you need to learn. It begins by ending your co-dependency and also by ending the enabling of your teen.
PSST will assist you with the help you need, to support your child in their recovery.
Parent Survival Skills Training is here to empower parents of teenage drug and alcohol users. Some parents are essentially being held hostage by their teenage users and their own codependent behavior. They are desperate to find a way to end the chaos in their homes. More importantly, they are desperate to find a way to help their teenagers recover from the deadly game of drug and alcohol abuse. More than likely this IS NOT “Just a phase they are going through” as much as you wish it was.
By the time most of us PSST parents came to our first PSST Meeting, we knew that “continuing to bail our children out of trouble” only added to our problems. PSST does not place any blame on parents for having a troubled child. We are not here to judge you, we are here to assist you to get the help that you need to take back control of your lives, your children and to have peace in your homes again.
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As I left our Gateway meeting on Tuesday…I had a lot on my mind…I just WASN’T COMFORTABLE with all of my feelings…and I needed to reflect on my own inadequacies….which is much easier than reflecting on my attributes…but let’s save that for another time…
I had received a jury summons and spent today in court…again….as the mother of an addict it brought back many memories of days and days and more days of just bad feelings…..but NEVER THE LESS it was serene to be on the other end of it all…I got picked for the jury…imagine that…they think I am stable… and the trial will be continued tomorrow…I think there is some message here for me….but it hasn’t become quite clear yet….so, I had time to write a thought not just my son but all of you that have become so dear to me.
Do Not Be Afraid
Do not be afraid for I am here….
I share your sadness, I have lived your fear….
Addiction has robbed us of what use to be….
This disease has no cure, we will never be free..
But together we will stand to battle this plight…
I will not succumb, I will continue to fight….
I strive for some normalcy with new friends that will last…
Ones that don’t judge or dwell on all of the past….
I will help you remember that today is a gift…
I will be your strength when all you need is that lift…
Remember you don’t have to be perfect all of the time…
But If you should fall, please get up and continue the climb…
Don’t reflect on all of that things that just should be…
For you have chosen to live, and today that is enough for me….
So don’t be afraid of that road ahead…
I will be your warrior against addiction that just wants you dead…
This disease of addiction is strong but it is not the end….
For I have learned the fighting tools from all my new found friends..
I do believe that there must be a plan….
It’s right now, it’s to hard…I just don’t understand…
But no matter what doubts cloud your mind with fear….
Just open your eyes…look around….yes it’s me…always here…
My hope for you is someday I can be….
The strength and courage, you are to me….
In the abyss of addiction that has made things so unclear….
I will never leave you so release your fear…
Do not be afraid for I am here….
To all of you that have become so dear….
Thank you my friends for the life-line….I am holding on so please don’t let go….
Violet
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 I have recently been able to read for pleasure after a very long hiatus. Like many, when I have stress in my life (read: anxiety regarding my kids) I cannot concentrate on a novel. I can only read materials that pertain to my crisis, like 12 Step info, parenting articles, or the PSST blog! However, at this moment, things are moving forward with my 2 boys Michael and David. I feel centered and strong.
I am happy to say, as a result, I have devoured 2 adult novels over the last few weeks!
One of them in particular resonated so strongly with me, that I want to let others know what a great read it is. It is called "Lit" by Mary Karr.
It is Mary Karr's memoir (a true account) of her life during the time she started recovery from alcoholism. This sounds like a downer, and maybe we all have had enough of this type account. NEVERTHELESS.... it is very funny - Ms. Karr has a razor sharp wit, and she continually demonstrates how skewed her perspective of things were when she was drinking.
Her humor is self-deprecating, and she paints a very interesting portrait of her marriage, school, friendships, and employment through her un-sober eyes. As she gains clarity through sobriety, she shares how that skewed perspective straightens out. She also demonstrates clearly how having a reliable circle of sober friends, a sponsor, and a "higher power" helped her recover.
It is the latter that is a running theme through the book.
A self-described agnostic, she resists the "higher power thing" because she feels hypocritical, silly, uncomfortable, you name it. But very slowly she starts to "let go" when she realizes through her support team that she will move forward if she allows herself to believe the "higher power thing".
This is not about God or religion, but about learning to let go, and realizing you are not in control.
As a parent who works very hard not to enable, we have our own issues with letting go. It was fascinating to read how this cynical non-believer came to believe, while literally laughing out loud at her descriptions of her situation.
By the way - this was a New York Times Book of the Year for 2009!
"Lit: A Memoir" by Mary Karr
2009 Harper-Collins Publishers
Mary Karr’s bestselling memoir is one of the most critically acclaimed books of 2009 —— Lit is about getting drunk and getting sober; becoming a mother by letting go of a mother; learning to write by learning to live.
Click here to see a video of Mary Karr on "Lit" and her "nervous breakthrough"
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We were happy to meet a new mom at our Gateway Squirrel Hill Parents Night a few weeks ago. She has a troubled teenage son about to turn 18 in December. She is working hard to get him into a recovery program.
To make her task harder than it all ready is; her husband constantly undermines her efforts to help their son. Not only by NOT working with her but, as an example, nagging her to turn their son’s cell phone back on so “he can let them know where he is” (which our kids never do or if they do call, they lie about where they are) or “so they can reach him” (our kids rarely answer when we call).
 I appreciate that you gave me permission to use Psycho-Mom as your alias on the blog; unfortunately you would need to share it with 20 or 25 other PSST moms along with Psycho-B!%ch and Psycho-Woman. So we are going to try the alias’ Jane “The Psycho-Mom” (you), Elroy (your troubled son) and George (the less than cooperative husband). If you would like different names feel free to let us know.
We really appreciate that Jane came to our first informal PSST Meeting at Crazy Mocha on Murray Av on Saturday. It was so good to get a chance to talk with her and especially to listen to her. Please keep attending the PSST meetings Jane (as well as the Gateway Parents Night) so we can continue to assist and assure you that you are doing the right thing.
Jane explained to us that her son Elroy was recently caught with marijuana in school which will result in a hearing at juvenile court. She is afraid that his hearing may come too late to get him into the juvenile system before his 18th birthday.
But let's listen to Jane tell the story of what has happened since she started to take the power back in her home......
Jane’s Story – Let's Try Something Completely Different!
Talk about a DUH moment......
The cell phone and the Internet have been the bane of my existence. We have been round and round about the cell phone in particular. I have spent more time talking to Sprint over the last two years than talking to some family members. I feel in many ways the phone has enabled my son to continue down the wrong path. I have also become extremely agitated when I try and contact my son by phone or text and he does not respond.
We have gone down the road of excuses that "my battery died, something must have been wrong with my phone, there must have been a problem with the reception", blah, blah blah......
This has led me to turn off the phone numerous times, only to turn around and turn it back on due to my being worn to the nub by my son, or being guilted into turning it back on by family and their questioning...."what if he is in trouble???....he won't be able to call us."
Never mind the fact that we pay for the phone, it should be a privilege, not a birth rite......AND HE NEVER CALLS US BACK ANYWAY!!
The suggestion??
Turn off the text messaging!
Since the texting is how the "plans" are most often made (not wanting to have others overhear the conversation) that solves that problem (or at least makes it more difficult). As far as being able to "reach us in an emergency", well, he still has the ability to do just that.
Only being able to make phone calls also enables the "CSI Wanna-be" in me to be able to access the phone numbers that are being called......I am sure my son is certainly aware of that fact.
So, an hour after our PSST meeting, the text messaging was disabled on my son's phone......which leads me to the next "A-HA" moment......
"I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT......Nonetheless......”
 True to form and what I knew I was in for......my son, Elroy, comes home after being gone all night with:
Elroy: "You need to turn back on my text messaging!".
Jane: "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that".
Elroy: "I need my texting"
Jane:"Actually, there is a big difference between needing and wanting, nonetheless, I don't feel comfortable doing that".
Elroy: "You’re "crazy" (hence the Psycho-Mom pen name), I told you where I was last night!"
Jane: "Actually, you left a text on your brother's phone, but none the less, I don't feel comfortable doing that and my answer is still, NO"
"Leading to my next lesson......ASK ME AGAIN......"
Fifteen minutes later, Elroy rung the bell for Round 2......I am sure that his previous pause was to fortify himself with "ploys that have worked in the past" from the notebook I am sure he keeps hidden from sight......
Elroy: "You need to turn my texting back on."
Jane: "As I said before, I don't feel comfortable doing that."
Elroy: "You really need to turn that back on, I need it."
Jane: (calmly)"You seem to be having trouble hearing or understanding what I am saying, so please ask me again."
Elroy: "So, are you going to turn my texting back on?"
Jane: "Please ask me again."
Elroy: "So are you going to turn my texting on or what?"
 Jane: (stepping a bit closer and looking him in the eye..and in a calm voice repeating), "Ask me again".
Elroy: (looking perplexed and angry at the same time): "Are you serious......for real????"
With that he walked away......no yelling......no stomping......no gnashing of teeth......
Believe me, the fat lady has not yet sung her swan song, but......
I felt a bit stronger and encouraged that I didn't continue to engage in a futile conversation and I left the bait dangling from his hook, something that has been very difficult for me to do......
I am sure this new approach will continue to be a work in progress.
I just wanted to say that the support and the experiences of the group and the postings I have read on the PSST web site have been wonderful.
I know we have a journey ahead of us, but utilizing some of the suggestions that been offered has really given me the opportunity to take a long deserved deep breath!
Thank you all, and will see you Tuesday!
God Bless!
Sally and Rocco's Note: Thanks for sharing Jane. It was good to see you on Saturday. It is so important for you to understand that you do have the ability to take back control of your home, your life and your sanity. It doesn't happen instantly but you are well on your way.
It is so good that you shared your experience here so others can see that they can do it also.
Trying new parenting skills is not always comfortable or easy but at the same time we realize that what we have been doing doesn't work. We look forward to seeing you at the Gateway Meetings and the PSST Meetings.
Please Note at the next PSST Meeting on Saturday November 6 in Wilkinsburg we hope to do a Juvenile Court Role Play. PSST is open to all concerned parents. There is no cost and no commitment.
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Summary – Informal PSST Meeting at Mocha – October 23, 2010
Since we had two whole Saturdays without a scheduled PSST Meeting Max suggested that we try an informal PSST Meeting on Saturday. Good idea Max! We met at Crazy Mocha on Murray Av. and had some good conversation and sharing of ideas.
Five parents were able to make it. We know them on the blog as Max, Daisy, Sally & Rocco and our newest PSST Mom, Jane (see her post - A Mom’s Story – Let's Try Something Completely Different!).
Our first mom Max has two sons, David and Michael, in recovery and a supportive husband we all know as Mel. David, their younger son is doing well at an out of state boarding school.
Their older son Michael has completed his outpatient program and is doing well. Max and Mel, like a lot of us, are dealing with what are “normal” teenage behavior issues and what are addictive behaviors.
Michael asked his mom if he could have a new friend sleep over. While this is a relatively easy decision for a parent of a child without addictive behavior it can trigger an alarm for us PSST parents.
She discussed it with Mel and they told him yes on the condition that they first get to meet this new friend and talk with him first. I am sure that we can all “feel” the eye-rolling moment of silence that this resulted in... ...and that’s OK. We can endure eye-rolls and silent pauses especially when we think back to what the reaction would have been a year ago. Max said that the new friend was refreshingly pleasant and open with them and they had a nice talk. This of course “Totally Mortified” Michael but she is fairly certain that he will get over it.
Max had another surprise when she poked her head in the door and found the friend sleeping at 11:00 o’clock. Of course this was another affront to Michael that a parent would dare “check-up” on him. Mel said goodnight and had a peaceful sleep.
The next morning she committed her final transgression when she poked her head in the door once more to say a sincere “Good Morning” to the boys. When Michael protested Max asked the friend if it was okay for her to say Good Morning. He said that he didn’t mind which just seem to make Michael more irritated.
He was angry enough to soon text his mom asking her what she thought she was doing. He got a little more upset when she didn’t text him right back. She explained that she could not text him while driving and it calmed him a bit. She told him that she did not think that she did anything out of the ordinary considering his behavior for the last couple of years. It is unfortunate but our kids will need to learn that it will take us a while to learn to “trust” them and that they will need to humor us until we can.
As I noted before; after dealing with our teen’s addictive behaviors we parents tend to have our own set of triggers that unconsciously set off our defensive behaviors. This can quickly bring us back to a bad place. We need to learn to “detach or refocus” to avoid falling back into our co-dependent behaviors.
Our children didn’t become addicts overnight and unfortunately it will take a while (probably years) in recovery before we will be able to fully "feel comfortable" with them.
Thanks for calling the meeting and sharing with us Max.
Daisy is a single mom of a 15 year old son we call Ozzie. Ozzie is has been in an inpatient recovery facility under Act 53 for about 30 days. Daisy is being pro-active and is getting Ozzie onto juvenile probation before he leaves the facility and comes home. This will provide Ozzie with more restrictions and more consequences than Daisy could impose on him herself. Please note that Daisy tried for months to deal with Ozzie’s behavior on her own.
At PSST we all understand that our teens end up in placement and/or on probation because of their behavior. But we have also learned that when they toss you a nugget like “It’s all your fault that I’m in here” or “I have to listen to that #@$&-ing P.O. because of you!” reach out and grab the credit. “Yes, I guess you’re right! I did get you in here, or get you a P.O.! I did it honey because I love you. I would do anything I can to keep you from using. Thanks for understanding.”
Daisy has been practicing this skill well and it has been effective. Ozzie had a bit of a flare up last week when he wanted to talk to Daisy while she was at work and unable to deal with him at that moment. It resulted in him getting very angry. Daisy called back as soon as she could to explain that Ozzie would need to understand that she cannot drop her job instantly and respond anytime he calls. Once again she handle this issue well and defused the situation.
Daisy’s other issue is in dealing with the facility itself. She thinks it is a good facility but that they have mis-handled her son on certain issues. Secondly she feels that they have a communication problem with her and usually don’t call her until the day after Ozzie acts out. They even asked her once to come and take Ozzie home. Daisy stopped them in their tracks and told them that they are the behavioral professionals and to deal with him. Sometimes you will feel like you’re fighting not only your teen’s behavior but the facility’s or therapist’s behavior. Keep up the fight even if it means finding a new facility or new therapist. They are not always the right fit.
Keep up the good work Daisy.
Sally and Rocco’s son Cisco is 18 and relapsed in August. He was in an adult facility but walked out last weekend. He turned himself back in but cannot return there until he tests negative for drugs and alcohol. His P.O. and therapist have him in a juvenile facility until then. Following this meeting we had a phone call from him complaining about how childish the juvenile facility is and that he wants to switch to an adult program.
Sally responded very well and thanked him for calling and talking it out and not acting out impulsively but that nothing could be decided until at least Monday. Sally also told him that he has been in this facility for a week and if he transferred at this time he may end up spending an extra week or two at the next facility.
We explained that even though the counselors at the facility may think that it would be a good idea we need to get his P.O. and therapist to agree as to what his next step should be.
We also explained that it took a lot of work to get him where he is and we are not sure that it would be worth the effort to get him transferred for a relatively short period.
What it mainly comes down to is that we are all doing what we can to get him the help that we can get for him but that he needs to cooperate with us and the system and that the entire system is not going to jump through hoops because he is not satisfied.
The best part is that I only had to nudge Sally one time during the conversation.
Finally we got to talk with our newest PSST Mom, Jane. Follow the link above to her story because she tells it so much better than I can. Basically Jane is a mom of a son we named Elroy who is about to turn 18. She is working hard to get him into recovery so that he can finish out his senior year of high school and live a “normal” life. Her biggest road block at this time is her husband George. When it comes to Elroy’s recovery George is not just on a different page than Jane, he is in an entirely different book. She is making a lot of progress in a short time and is preparing to file for Act 53 if needed.
Thanks for making it to our meeting Jane. Keep on coming so we can assist you and encourage you that you can make a big difference.
This was a good way to start off our Saturday without a scheduled PSST Meeting and we would love to do it again (but not this Saturday because we are having a garage sale with the neighbors) never the less if you want to try it again let me or Sally know and we will get the invite up on the blog ASAP.
For everyone else we hope to see you at the regularly scheduled PSST Meeting at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg on Saturday, November 6 at 9:00 a.m.
PSST is open to all concerned parents. Come on and join us. There’s no cost or commitment. All you have to lose is a lot of anxiety, chaos, stress, tension, embarrassment and sleepless nights.
There is a lot of hope and support at PSST.
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For the sake of time our Role Play assumed that a Plea Bargain was accepted by all parties. The teen would accept a “Consent Decree” on the Possession charge if the “Intent to Deliver” was dropped.
It was good to see Lily again. Lily’s son has completed his inpatient recovery program, returned to school and earned his Eagle Scout Rank. Lily said that things are going well for them and appreciates how PSST helped them to get to where they are. She also had thanks for Wesley Spectrum and specifically Cathy C’s help with her son.
