Alice and I continue to help our teenage son, Ed, through his recovery. Ed is cleared to leave his current placement as soon as an appropriate high school is found and Ed is enrolled. You see, Ed can't go back to his old high school, because it is both a "people" and "places" problem for him, even though it's comfortable and would eliminate a new school adjustment.
Alice and I, along with our attack-dog-on-a-leash PO, have been very clear about that, despite multiple requests from Ed: "We agree with you that it would be the easiest school to go to, nevertheless, your old high school is (move in a few inches closer) OFF THE TABLE."
We could have given Ed multiple reasons why it's a REALLY BAD idea to go back to his old high school. We even tried to explain it to Ed. But in the end, he didn't hear any of the explanation until after he knew, "it's really off the table."
So, we have been in the process of finding a new high school for Ed, and one quickly bubbled to the top of our list because of its format and help that Ed would continue to get. If his recovery continues, Ed could even graduate from this high school in a few years, our only real educational goal for Ed.
So, there is a lot involved in getting Ed enrolled in a school that's not on the normal list. Plus, Ed is going to have to interview the school while they are interviewing him. Ed could easily have a bad attitude about the whole thing, since it's not his first choice.
He could have the attitude, "What? I don't get my old high school? Well, I'm just going to mess up the whole process. I don't care if I stay in placement for another year if it means I don't get my pick of schools."
That would be the definition of a very oppositional teen.
Well, Ed didn't say that. We believe he's not quite that defiant, especially when he's not trying to protect his addiction. Plus, Ed still wants to get out of placement. He still values freedom and a normal life over derailing his parents or the PO.
But just how oppositional is Ed?
The cards are bent down the middle of the long side so that they stand slightly off the table. The "tosser" lets you see the cards and begins rapidly laying them face down on the table and moving them around.
Your job is to pick where the queen is.
Since you saw the queen before the lay-down and shuffle, you can follow it and guess its location. Except that you're wrong! The queen was never laid where you first thought it was. If you do accidentally guess the real location of the queen, the tosser has a shill who will disrupt the game and void your bet. You can't win except in the beginning when the tosser is trying to reel you in.
This scam is called Find the Lady in England, and Bonneteau in France.
The same game is also called the Shell Game and played with a small marker and three cups or shells. The difference in that version is that the marker is secretly removed until after any (always wrong) shell is chosen. You can never win unless you can choose all three shells at once.
What does Three Card Monte have to do with oppositional teens, you may be asking?
Of course, some of you who read this blog have already figured it out. The answer is NOT that you can't win. But rather, you win Three Card Monte by not playing.
Don't give your teen that same old nugget of enabling (letting him or her know that it's OK to toss down and shuffle the red queen). You won't win.
The answer is, we need to be the tosser. Toss your teen some healthy challenges that they can figure out and grow from. Toss them a black queen, because life is going to do that to them until they can figure out life isn't about crime, drugs, or even them.
Toss them all hearts: love, pride, and respect so that they don't have to play Three Card Monte with you or the world!
So, back to the oppositional teen and Ed.
We've been learning to challenge our teens, especially non-suicidal, oppositional ones, by giving them a counter opinion or using "reverse psychology" to build up the opposite position. We can even take it to an extreme opposite to help them see how ridiculous the other side is.
Statements like, "I know this is going to be very hard for you, honey. I'm not sure if you can make it.", seem to motivate teens. Or, "I think it would be OK or up to you if you run away from treatment."
So, I wanted to try this and test to see if it really works. I was too afraid to say, "Ed, I think you will hate the school you are interviewing this week." Like all parents, I'm still learning how to be a parent even though Ed is our youngest of four.
It's a whole new parenting technique that you have to learn for teens with addictive behaviors, too.
So, I feel as stupid as a new parent. You've seen them: the ones who leave the diaper bag in the car and have to punt when an explosion happens. You only get caught on that one once.
And a "hate-the-school" statement isn't quite right either -- it's just an opposite of what I thought, not a strategic twist to counter or build up. So, instead I said, "Mom and I think this school is a really good school choice because of blah, blah, and blah. However, your PO thinks you won't like the school."
The unsaid implication: "You won't like it. So, interview with that in mind." I haven't yet mastered the ability to verbally twist my opinions, so I used another person that teens like to be oppositional with: the PO.
Then I let Alice know, in case there was a question. Well, there were questions!
Ed asks Alice during the interview why the PO would think he didn't like this school. Alice pleads ignorance or insanity. The latter a good defense around teens sometimes.
Kathie T., along for the interview, probably thinks the PO has lost his mind. And Ed calls me immediately after the interview and wants to know what the PO doesn't like about the school. Is there something wrong with it? What does the PO know that he doesn't?!? And where is that pesky red queen? Ed didn't find her.
Well, you can easily guess the next outcome...
...Ed likes the school. While it's not his high school, it is OK and he wants to go there. And, he proved the PO wrong. Ed might be thinking something like this, "That PO doesn't know what he's talking about. It's a good school. Isn't it a great feeling that I can be in control and make my own decisions without that bothersome PO telling me what to do? I might even be smarter than that PO."
He FOUND my opinion about the school by thinking through, in a reverse way, the other opinion. It worked!
For my part, I still am working on learning how to do the twist without over doing it. The technique is to not state (or not over-state) your "great" idea or opinion on the subject, but to state an opinion that allows THEM to THINK about the idea before they act on it.
Further, if the teen is always or sometimes oppositional, and what teen isn’t, you would be agreeing with them, if you state the reverse idea or opinion from yours.
It’s a great technique, if you can get away from the controlling-parent mode and into the teen-helper mode.
Next time, I think I'll try exploring and twisting one of my own opinions, instead of making up an opinion for the PO. It's a lot less complicated that way when your teen and the person whose opinion you made up, are looking for the red queen.
Our PO, who is now clued in to the experiment also, reminds me that we didn't have a Control, so scientifically we don't know if the outcome would have been different had the twist not been brought up. This is true, however, Ed's level of interest in the PO's (fake) statement, at the very least, gives us a clue that teens care about opposing statements.
The PO says that teens ALWAYS love to prove him wrong, and while we don't really know how oppositional Ed would have been, in general, all teens also love to prove their parents wrong. It seems at least that Ed was thinking through having two different, opposing ideas.
Finally, I found something interesting recently that said teens need to be somewhat oppositional, at least to some small degree. It is actually a sign of a healthy teen when he or she is being a little rebellious against the parental control.
The theory stated that it is how they learn to grow up. It is the teen saying, "I want to make more of my own decisions. Even if I screw up, at least it's my decision."
That, as long as it’s not a "safety" issue, is a healthy thing. Teens do have to grow up sometime. And it's probably better that they learn to grow up before they learn to be experts at tossing Three Card Monte at us -- or in the street.
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Three-Card Monte and Your Oppositional Teen By Ralph Kramden
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, October 17, 2010
Happy Boss's Day to Valerie!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, October 16, 2010
It was a surprise for Supervisor Valerie Ketter to find that the parents at a fairly large PSST meeting in Mt Lebanon wished her a Happy Boss's Day. In fact, several of the parents present had direct thanks for Valerie's help, not just as their Probation Officer's Supervisor, but because of the direct work that Valerie has done with them to help with their teenager.
That's one of the things about Valerie: she does not just supervise from the ivory tower (or from the office) but she comes out and sets an example for her Probation Officers by also rolling up her sleeves and doing some direct work.
Considering the loyalty and appreciation felt at the Parents Meeting towards Supervisor Ketter probably none would have disagreed with the following quote:
"One measure of leadership is the caliber of people who choose to follow you." ~Dennis A. Peer
No doubt there was a pretty high level of caliber eating this cake.
PSST wishes Supervisor Valerie Ketter all the best and offers heartfelt thanks for all that she has done over the years to make PSST a successful parent community. Especially PSST thanks Valerie for all the hard work she has done on behalf of PSST parents who are trying desperately to save their teenager's lives. Without her support and hard work there would be no PSST.
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Type rest of the post here
Drugs and Alcohol are Equal Opportunity Destroyers
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, October 15, 2010
Drugs and Alcohol are Equal Opportunity Destroyers
”One of the most difficult things to accept as a parent is that we do not have control of our children. Once we can accept that, we can look for ways in which we can help them to avoid self-defeating behaviors.
As long as parents think they can bribe the child to not use drugs or control him with threats and punishments, they will not look for what they can do that can be effective."
PSST is here to help parents determine if your child has a drug or alcohol problem, how to stop enabling and codependent behavior and how to assist you to help your child. If you even suspect that your teen is using drugs or alcohol please come and talk with us at one of our meetings. Try the links that are posted on the PSST Website.
Following is a condensed version of an article by Dr. Twerski. To read the entire article click on the title below:
Substance Abuse in Adolescents: Detection, Treatment and Prevention - an article by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski 
Use of mood-altering chemical among adolescents is at an all time high. It is important for parents to know that a drug is a drug is a drug.
Parents may have a false sense of security, “He’s only using alcohol,” or “He’s only using marijuana, not cocaine.”
Which youngsters are at risk of getting into trouble with alcohol or drugs?
All of them!
Chemicals are an “equal opportunity destroyer.”
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No parent wants to suspect their child of drug use, but parents must remain alert. The following warning signs are “red flags.”
They do not mean that your youngster is using drugs, but they should raise suspicion.
Family
Change in attitude towards parents and siblings
Isolating in one’s room
Lying
Breaking curfew, sneaking out at night
Blaming others for irresponsible behavior
Selling possessions
Stealing
Strange, secret telephone calls
Has money but no job
Physically or verbally violent
A variety of excuses for improper behavior
School
Drop in grades or achievement levels
Skipping classes or days of school
Dropping out of extra-curricular activities
Defiance of teachers
Breaking rules and regulations
Excessive sleepiness
Fights and confrontations
Frequent suspensions
Changes in Behavior
Withdrawn, overly quiet
New "friends" (trust your intuition here)
Confused, disoriented
Odor of alcohol or too much perfume, cologne or after shave
Erratic eating and sleeping patterns
Poor hygiene
Overly defensive
Easily upset
Mood changes
Started using street language
Dilate pupils
Reddened eyes
Nervous, agitated, trouble sitting still
Religious Behavior
Decreased attendance
Ignores rules
Cynical, skeptical
Legal
Underage Drinking
Accidents
Careless driving, Driving while under the influence
Possession of drugs
Selling drugs
Thefts, shoplifting
The Role of the Family
One of the most difficult things to accept is that we do not have control of our children. Once we accept that, we can look for ways in which we can help them to avoid self-defeating behaviors. As long as parents think they can bribe the child to not use drugs or control him with threats and punishments, they will not look for what they can do that can be effective.
If parents suspect that their child may be using drugs, they should promptly consult an expert in drug treatment. The warning signs listed above are not evidence that the child is using drugs, and are just things that should heighten the parents’ awareness. What to do next should be advised by an expert in the field.
There are many competent psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, ministers, priests and rabbis who have not been trained in the understanding and management of substance abuse, and their well-intentioned advice may be misguided.
An expert in substance abuse problems can help the parents in their relationship to the child, and tell them what is and what is not effective.
If an adolescent uses drugs, he may still maintain a relationship with his parents, but he may also be very defiant. The parents may be shocked to discover that they cannot exert any authority over him.
“Should we insist on urine tests? What if he refuses to go? What can we do when he does not come home until 3AM? Can we lock the door and leave a 15 year old on the street? What can we do when he throws obscenities at us? How do we protect our other children from being harmed by his behavior? If I know he is selling drugs, should I report him to the police?”
These and many other questions arise, which obviously are too complex to be addressed in this article.
Again, guidance from an expert in substance abuse is crucial.
It is understandable that parents may beat themselves up with “What did we do wrong?”
This is futile.
Their teens may opt for the high of drugs even if they had the most loving, caring parents. Instead of focusing on the past, the parents should accept expert guidance and refocus on what they should do now.
It is important for parents to become knowledgeable about drugs. What are the dangers of marijuana? What is Ecstasy? What is Oxycontin? When and how should I discuss alcohol and drug issuess with my teen?
Summary
Parents! There is no quick fix and there are no simple answers to the following commonly asked questions.
How can I tell if my child is drinking excessively or using drugs?
- If some warning signs are present, consult an expert in substance abuse treatment. Read the recommended material.
What constitutes effective treatment?
- This varies. It will depend on the evaluation by a competent addiction therapist.
What can parents do to be helpful in a child’s recovery?
- Attend family support groups (like PSST), get competent counseling, and read the recommended material
What can parents do to prevent their child from abusing drugs/alcohol?
- Read up on effective parenting techniques. Make the home a truly spiritual home.
Modern society has diluted and even eliminated traditional values. The parenting techniques of previous generations may not be strong enough to enable children to withstand the temptations of modern society.
If we realize the dangers to which our children are exposed, we can adopt techniques that will strengthen them so that they will be able to cope with today’s challenges.
Abraham J. Twerski, M.D.
Founder and Medical Director Emeritus
Gateway Rehabilitation Center
Copyright © Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski. All Rights Reserved. 
As noted above PSST is here to help parents determine if your child has a drug or alcohol problem, how to stop enabling and codependent behavior and how to assist you to help your child.
If you even suspect that your teen is using drugs or alcohol please come and talk with us at one of our meetings. Try the links that are posted on the PSST Website.
Dr. Twerski reccomends the following reading material that can help parents become more knowledgeable about alcohol and drugs.
The following books and pamphlets are available from Hazelden Foundation, 1-800-328-9000.
How to Tell When Kids are in Trouble with Alcohol/Drugs
Raising Drug-Free Kids in a Drug-Filled World (Perkins & Perkins)
Points for Parents Perplexed about Drugs (Hancock)
Parents, It’s Not Your Fault (Skoglund)
Setting Limits (Lafountain)
Addictive Thinking (Twerski)
When Your Teen is in Treatment (Perkins & Perkins)
The Truth about Pot (Baum)
Choices and Consequences (Schaefer)
Helping Your Chemically Dependent Teenager Recover (Cohen)
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Summary of the Oct 9, 2010 PSST Meeting
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, October 11, 2010
Summary of the Oct 9, 2010 PSST Meeting
We had a good turn-out for the Oct 9 PSST Meeting in Wexford with 9 parents representing 7 families, including one veteran PSST Parent returning to join us.
This was our One Year Anniversary at our Trinity Lutheran Church location in Wexford.
Our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, Kathie and Jocelyn. We all had a chance to welcome Rebecca who is doing her internship with the Juvenile Probation Office. Don’t worry Rebecca you will have your chance to do a couple of role plays in no time. We are always glad to have another perspective at PSST.
After opening announcements everyone had a chance to tell as little, or as much, as they wished about their teenager/parental relationship.
There was an interesting exchange of information and we had a chance to share our knowledge and wisdom along with some tears and laughter.
Our first Mom has a 15 year old son who is currently in an inpatient recovery facility under Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services).
She attended a really good parent’s night at the facility last week featuring an appearance by Lloyd and Kathie. She reported that it was well attended by parents and that they had a good question & answer session. She was especially pleased when a counselor reported that following the meeting her son complained “Man, that guy tells them everything. I can’t get away with anything!” Her visits since then have gone better.
Our next mom had a good visit with her 18 year old daughter. She and her husband were strong enough to stand up in court several times this summer. They did everything they could to see that their daughter was placed back into an inpatient recovery program. Because she had turned 18, because of her relapse and her rapid descent into the desolation of drug abuse they knew they had to intervene as soon as possible. The court finally understood the situation and the parent’s intentions and ordered her into an inpatient recovery program.
Their story serves as a good example of advantages of working with the probation office and the courts to get the most help for your troubled teen.
PSST is here to help you get the help you need to save your child’s life.
Our third mom, currently has two sons in recovery. Her older son is living at home and her younger son is at an out of state boarding school. She and her husband took a trip to visit their younger son at a parent’s weekend. She reports that their visit was a good one and that their son is doing well. We discussed how some of our teenager’s thrive in a more structured and disciplined environment.
She also mentioned how the other parents visiting the school from around the country all said that they wished that their communities had a program addressing and assisting parents like PSST does.
Our returning veteran mom has not has it easy. Her son now lives with her but has been in and out of programs and facilities for the last few years. She has stuck with him throughout his ups and downs and has fought for the clean time that he has. While he has not turned the corner yet he is still alive. He demonstrates how difficult it can be for our children to control their drug addiction.
We discussed how it may be time to give him an ultimatum to work harder at his recovery or to find another place to live since he is now in his 20’s. Another halfway house or a three-quarters house may be a solution for now. This may or may not be the permanent solution for him but it will give his mom a chance to relax and restore some order and some peace in her home and a chance to refocus on her own mental, physical and spiritual well being.
This mom also attends meetings at “Bridge to Hope” and recommends it to all families confronted with substance abuse and addiction. Like PSST, Bridge to Hope meetings are free and open to the public.
Another mom attends our meetings as an observer (she works for a counseling agency) and as a mom of a teenager who has “experimented” with marijuana for a short time. We certainly welcome observers and are always glad to have another perspective at our PSST meetings.
Lloyd suggested to this mom that she should surprise her son by testing him for drug and alcohol use. Besides the relatively small chance that he might still be “experimenting” this reinforces the message that this mom will not tolerate drug/alcohol use in her home.
See Lloyd’s post “I’m Not Going to Pee in That Cup!”
We had a couple who have two sons. The older son has left the state because his recovery and their house rules were both too tough for him to follow. As the dad pointed out their house rules basically boiled down to stay clean and keep up with your recovery.
He is 18 and decided it was time to try life on his own. They heard through a mutual contact that their son was recently picked up while hitch hiking by an old acquaintance. This person runs a recovery program. They are hoping that this might be the person that can get through to their son.
Their younger son has recently completed his inpatient recovery program. He is getting very anxious because he will not be released from the facility until an alternative school is set up for him. His parents have made it perfectly clear to him that he will not be returning back to his high school.
The dad pulled a “PSSTwist” on his son. He actually gave it an “extra twist” and it appears to have worked.
They found an alternative school that they liked but were afraid their son would not accept their choice. So before he went to visit the school his dad let him know that “Lloyd thinks that you will hate this place and you will not want to go there.” After his visit he told his parents that Lloyd must be crazy, it is a really cool school.
Sometimes it is good to prepare our oppositional teens with a “PSSTwist”. You can do this, as this dad did, to gain an advantage to start a conversation.
When we visit our son in placement we learned to start tough conversations with “We want to tell you something that you may not like. So we just want you to know that you have our permission to get up and go back to your room if it is too hard for you to hear.” This worked in different ways. A couple times it kept him at the table to show us that he could take it. The couple times that he did get up and leave he did so quietly without an outburst or punching walls.
The other type of “PSSTwist” is used during the conversation.
Once again see Lloyd’s post “I’m Not Going to Pee in That Cup!”
Our teens are very good at throwing their own “Twist” into conversations with us parents. You need to really think on your feet and be able to counter with a good “PSSTwist” to get control of the conversation back. Toss them a few little agreements but keep the conversation going the direction that you want it to.
Something like a mom talking to her teen. “You’re right honey, I do need to change. I really need to stop worrying so much. Thanks for helping me see what a b—ch I have been. I think I will start by not worrying so much about hurting your feelings and work more on stopping you from hurting yourself. I think that we can start by taking away your cell phone. You know honey (lean in a little closer) I will try my best not to raise my voice any more. But I will continue to be a crazy b—ch if that is what it takes to keep you clean.”
The “PSSTwist” takes some practice to be ready to use it when needed. PSST meetings are a great place to get the practice and encouragement to be prepared. BTW - Don't be discouraged if you miss an opportunity to twist - there will be a next time.
Our last couple has an 18 year old son who relapsed in a few weeks following 6 months in an inpatient program. As a result he is in another inpatient program. It is still awhile until he is scheduled to complete his program but they are already thinking that it would not be a good thing for him to return home.
The parents feel that home is too much of a trigger for him. They are afraid that even if he completes this program and gets a full time job that it would take very little for him to relapse and feel comfortable attempting to be living off of his parents again. They feel he needs the responsibility of making it on his own to make his recovery work.
Their son also really needs to work on his selection of “friends”. Even what he calls his “Good Friends” are "iffy" at best and are probably the one thing that can bring him down the quickest.
The parents have also come to enjoy the calm and quiet in their home. They like the ability to come and go without the worry of who is doing what in their home while they are at work, on vacation or at a PSST Meeting.
What they have finally come to accept is that not all of our teens will make it after one recovery program (inpatient or outpatient). A wise lady told me when our son was in his first program, “Miracles happen, but not that often.” It can take multiple programs and a couple of years for some addicts to accept their recovery.
Don’t let this discourage you. Remember they didn’t become addicts overnight and it may take awhile longer for them to recover.
After break with coffee, tea, donuts, muffins, peaches and another beautiful cake (with vanilla mousse filling – Yummy!) we had time to try a couple of role plays.
The first role play, with Lloyd and Sally, was to explain to an adult son that he was going to need to find another place to live when he completes his inpatient program.
The son tried his best manipulative skills (you don’t care about me, I may as well use then, you just put me here so that you can party, vacation and go to those stupid PSST meetings, I’ll just go to jail then). 
The mom responded with her best PSST skills of staying calm, presenting him with those little agreements and holding firm to her message that “You need to find another place to live.”
This is not ever a comfortable thing to do but then there are still a lot of addicts, teen and adult, living at home abusing drugs, alcohol and their families.
At PSST we are trying to demonstrate how to put an end to this behavior.
In a caustic co-dependent relationship the parent sacrifices having a worthwhile life of their own. It is important for parents to know how to meet their own needs, independent of what their child is going through. This is not the same as abandoning your child. This is refocusing on your own well being, and empowering yourself, to make hard choices for your child that they cannot make on their own.
The second role play, with Max and Rocco, was about surprising an expectantly clean teen (that had experimented previously) with a drug test. If all goes well they will give you a really strange look, probably question your sanity but will give you a sample to test, along with a severe eye roll.
If for any reason they seem to take it to the next level and refuse to cooperate, either not being able to give samples on command or being outright defiant, you can take this as a confirmation that they will test positive and you will need to deal with the consequences for them.
Once more see Lloyd’s post “I’m Not Going to Pee in That Cup!”
Those of us that could stayed around a little bit longer to add our closing comments and discussions. All of us parents left with a little more wisdom and confidence to face our teens and the world of addiction.
As a PSST Parent once told us “I never wanted to visit the world of addiction but now that I am here I will learn all that I can to help myself, my family and my child.”
On this first anniversary of being at this location we would all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents who are learning how to manage their troubled teenagers.
This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, October 16 at the PSST meeting at
Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road
(There is free parking in the back lot).
A child with an addiction is a challenge; even for a competent, corporate leader ~ Ralph Kramden
Posted by:Sally--Monday, October 11, 2010
Here is a quote that 'Ralph Kramden' asked me to post on the PSST blog.
Yesterday on "Undercover Boss",
Mike White, President & CEO of DirecTV said it. (CBS 9PM, 10/10/2010)
"Trying to cope with a child who has a drug problem, I would say, is the biggest challenge I have had as a parent." ~ Mike White, President & CEO, DirecTV.
If a CEO of a major corporation, who is managing thousands of people, and
watching out over billions of dollars in corporate revenue, thinks that his
son's drug addiction is the biggest challenge, that really says a lot.
Mr. White talked briefly on the show,about his son's drug addiction at age 17
and how it has affected Mr. White's life.
It is a challenge for every parent with an addicted child, and Mr. White, who is skilled at facing large business challenges in the corporate world, reaffirms it.
Do the Twist part Two and I'm not going to Pee in that cup!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, October 10, 2010
Theme #3: I'm not going to do [whatever you told them to do}
Note: Special PSST bonus points and/ or a prize to anyone who can correctly count the number of twists that Dad uses in this role-play. How many agreements does Dad twist? Bring your number into our next PSST meeting to receive your bonus points.
Dad: I need you to pee in this cup; I want to get a clean urine screen on our records for you Son.
Teen: You gotta be kidden me!
Dad: I know, I know, it does sound a little strange; I'm pretty confidant that your clean, but nevertheless, I need a screen.
Teen: What have I done to deserve this crap?!
Dad: You think I should only test you if I feel suspicious, you know, if I see a sign of some sort that you might be using.
Teen: Ya. This isn't fair.
Dad: Well, I guess in some ways Son, this isn't fair. I guess I'm not even trying to be fair like that.
Teen: Well, that's not fair.
Dad: No it's not fair. You're right. Regardless, this is what I need and I need you do do it now Son.
Teen: I'm not doing that.
Dad: You're not going to cooperate?
Teen: You heard me. I'm done with that crap.
Dad: Your mind is made up on this then.
Teen: Right. You heard me. Now leave me alone please I got things to do today.
Dad: So, I think I got it.
Teen. This conversation is over.
Dad: Yes, you're right, this conversation is almost over. You don't care what I do, you don't care what the consequences are. It doesn't matter to you if you loose your cell phone, the computer, if I ground you- you just don't care and you're not going to give me a sample of your urine to test no matter what the consequences are. I hear you...so let's just get that part our of the way.
Teen: Why do you have to be such a prick? It's all this little game for you isn't it? Just a [bleep bleep] game, huh?
Dad: Well, there are rules to follow here Son, just like in a game- that is correct.
Teen: So, I loose my cell phone if I'm don't pee?
Dad: Yep. I'm sorry. The rules here, just like what I hope is a very serious game, is that if you don't cooperate with helping us know that you are clean, and I still think you are clean or at least I hope so, but now I guess I'm not as sure of that as I was a few minutes ago, but we need to know, so if you won't help us with that one- just stay home- don't go out- give us the cell phone or we'll turn it off, in which case it's going to be harder for you to get it back, no friends over, no computer and no TV privileges.
Teen: All that for one little Pee?
Dad: All that for just one little donation that you could probably do easily enough- but only if you chose to, and right now as I said, you don't give a rat's bum about all this restrictions, you've just decided that this is unfair and you won't cooperate.
Teen: Oh yeah like I don't care about my cell phone do I? I'll Pee OK?
Dad: OK.
Teen: But I don't have to go right now.
Dad: It can be hard to Pee on demand. Sometimes you need a little time.
Teen: I have to go out somewhere- I'll Pee when I get back.
Dad: That's not going to work for me son.
Teen: glaring
Dad: I know that would for some reason that I don't have to understand, be easier for you Son. But I need it now or else just stay home, surrender the phone, stay off the computer and the TV please and then you can call me when you can pee but I would prefer that you stay in this room with me until you can.
Teen: If I don't?
Dad: Well, it's going to cause me to start to doubt you Son. I don't know that exactly that is going to mean for you but it's a good question- a very good question. I'll talk to your Mom about that one. It' all about trust you know.
Teen: What if I'm not clean?
Dad: Good question Son. Not sure. That would surprise me. I'm not prepared for that one- I just assumed you would be clean. I guess it won't be good for you though.
Teen: What if I'm honest with you about it- so that you don't even have to test me- then you could give me one chance right?
Dad: Well, if your honest that could make things feel better I think.
Teen: What do you mean, "feel better?" I have a feeling I'm not going to feel to good about all this.
Dad: Right, me either. Poor choice of words on my part. I just meant that I'm starting to feel pretty suspicious about things right now; I'm no longer confident that you are clean so if you get honest with me, that would be a good start to rebuilding some trust, which is going to definitely take time to rebuild- we've been down this road before Son, right? Sometimes you'll take the denial thing pretty far you know what I mean.
Teen: OK, I smoked. But only once. Like three weeks ago. It probably isn't even still in my urine, but I'll tell you anyway.
Dad: I'm disappointed Son.
Teen: See? I'm honest and it doesn't help.
Dad: You're right. The honesty thing doesn't always get you out of trouble, doesn't it? Sucks, huh?
Teen: Ya, I wonder why I even try being honest.
Dad: I wonder about that one too- good question.
Dad: Why didn't you just take the chance? Maybe you were clean if it was three weeks ago?
Teen: Cause I wanted to be honest.
Dad: That's good Son, that is a good place to start. Good for you. I just thought that you were so angry that I was testing that being honest was the last thing on your mind. You know how we are when we are angry?
Teen: Well, that and the fact that I knew I'd be caught.
Dad: But three weeks? Couldn't you be clean?
Teen: I don't think so, maybe it was more than once you know, and I don't remember how long ago I smoked but it's not every day or anything.
Dad: I think you being honest is important. Don't put yourself down here man, anyone can make a mistake it's what you do when you make the mistake that sometimes makes the difference and I'm surprised that you are honest about it- you know a year ago you woulda lied like a rug for weeks before you got honest. Remember?
Teen: Ya.
Dad: Well the honesty thing is good. Let's keep going with that. How did you come across weed cause it seems like none of your friends use right now. That's why I'm surprised.
on and on as this leads to either more disclosure or less at which point Dad can challenge Son about this big honesty thing
after all that honesty about what when and whom goes down we come to the p test again.
Dad: So let's get that P test done Son.
Teen: Still, you want to test me? But I was honest?
Dad: Yeah, you were honest. And that's good. Now we'll test just like I said we would 20 minutes ago. Is there a problem with that?
Teen: I don't see the point.
Dad: You're right.
Teen: I am?
Dad: Yes, after what you just went through with me, and you shared a lot here, I don't expect that you would see the point. Nevertheless, I need this urine screen done- lets' get this over with Son.
Teen: Give me one good reason why?
Dad: OK. I don't think you'll think this is a good reason Son but I'm just not comfortable skipping the urine screen. I need to get this done, OK?
Teen: Why aren't you comfortable?
Dad: None of it will make sense to you Son. I'm just not comfortable skipping it. Let's get r done! You know, part of it is that I need to see that you're going to cooperate. That's important to me Son, but I don't think that makes any sense to you.
Teen: OK, OK, I get it Dad. What's going to happen to me?
Dad: Good question. You want to talk about that - I agree- let's get this urine done first, then we'll talk.
Why does Dad insist that we still get a Pee-test?
1. It puts Dad in control. He does need to see that his Son will cooperate.
2. Son might be dirty for something besides marijuana. That will be good to know if that is happening.
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Pictures added to Parent of the Year Post
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, October 10, 2010
Click here to see added pictures to Rocco and Sally Receive Allegheny County Parent of the Year post. I had a few on there before but no one could see them due to blog problem, but that's fixed now and I added more. Make sure to click "read more" to see them all.
Type rest of the post here
Rocco and Sally Attend Juvenile Justice Week - Award Ceremony
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, October 07, 2010
The evening was one that left a lasting impression on both Rocco and Sally.
It was a pleasure to meet the Juvenile Court Judges and in particular, Judge Dwayne Woodruff (yes, from the 70's Super Steelers!).
Judge Woodruff gave an inspirational speech about not letting anyone discourage you from reaching your goals.
Sally enjoyed seeing the young winners of the Essay Contest advance on stage for their awards.
Rocco agrees that it was encouraging to see youth that may have 'made a bad choice' think about their actions and put it down in writing.
Equally encouraging was the winner of the Dennis Maloney Award; Traci Stiger. This Registered Nurse worked very hard to develop a program to teach troubled youth to be EMT's. She spends many hours instructing them. We got to see her first graduate of the program.
THIS is the STUFF that MAKES a DIFFERENCE!
What an evening. Then "Parents of the Year", Sally and Rocco received a most beautiful plaque.
Below is Sally's acceptance speech followed by Rocco's acceptance speech.
SALLY'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
Thank you so very much for this award.
It strengthens me and encourages me to continue my fight against enabling.
A year and a half ago, our son was in a horrible addiction.
My husband and I tried everything but his addiction only got worse.
We felt helpless and very much alone but we kept on praying.
Our son had a car accident which got him involved with the juvenile court system and with a probation officer.
We discovered that getting into the system and having Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward and Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer to help us was the answer to our prayers.
Our son is much better than he was at the time of the accident and continues to work on his recovery.
The Parent Survival Skills Training meetings empower me.
There is nothing better than talking with other parents who have the same issues and know first-hand what you are going through.
Each PSST parent has wisdom and sound advice and so much compassion. I wish each one of them could be honored with this award.
For addiction is strong, but together we are so much stronger.
If my mother-in-law were alive today, October 6, 2010... she would be celebrating her 90th birthday.
It is fitting that her son should receive this honor on her birthday for she trained him well.
He is an awesome father.
Thank you all. Thank you very much.
ROCCO'S ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
One time my company enrolled me in an intensive and comprehensive driving course so that I could transport company personnel. One of our first lessons was to learn to “un-learn” some of our driving skills.
This took some of us out of our comfort zone, especially when they explained Rule #1: “If you determine that there is no way to avoid crashing your vehicle then save yourself first and worry about your passengers later.”
We all felt a little uncomfortable with that. We all had that time-honored ideal instilled in us of sacrificing ourselves to keep others out of harm’s way.
But they made it clear that, as the driver, you are the most important person in that vehicle. You are responsible for keeping as much control of the vehicle as possible. If you are incapacitated, then your vehicle is out of control; so now all of your passengers are in extreme danger.
Looking back over the past few years we can see now that we needed to learn to “un-learn” some of our parenting skills and to try something a lot less comfortable. We, the parents, are responsible to keep control of our family. Otherwise our family is in extreme danger.
We attended our first Parent Survival Skills Training Meeting in early 2007. And quite frankly we were totally overwhelmed. Parents there were talking about their teens using not just marijuana and alcohol but crack cocaine and heroin. Their teens were stealing and dealing to support their habits and refusing therapy. They were being pulled into court and they were running away from treatment facilities.
We couldn’t picture our 15 year old son doing anything like that.
Sure his grades were falling fast, he was a discipline problem at school and at home and he was distancing himself from our family. We suspected that he had tried marijuana, probably some alcohol and we knew that at 15 he was able to pick-up packs of cigarettes whenever he wanted them.
But like so many enabling parents we couldn’t picture our son doing anything like that.
It's not like we stuck our heads in the sand. We accepted that he had problems. We found counselors, psychiatrists, tutors, and advocates to get advice on how to help him. We were on a first name basis with principles, vice-principles and school counselors. We started our run through the "rat-in-the-maze" world of health insurance for behavioral therapy. We spent 1000’s of dollars.
What we got in return from our son was "I don't care."
We didn't understand at the time that this is an addict’s most effective weapon against an unprepared parent but we did come to realize that he really meant it.
Our son, the addict, really didn’t care.
After two years of counseling and chaos, two overdoses and a couple of visits from the police we were not sure what options we had left. We were drained emotionally, mentally, physically and financially and, guess what, our son still didn't care.
In May 2009 we finally came back to attend our second PSST meeting for advice on how to get him whatever help that was left. Since that meeting we have, at least for now, saved our son's life and, just as importantly, we have saved our own lives, our marriage and brought order back into our home. As my wife recognized a while back “We always were good parents. We just weren’t good parents of a teenage addict.”
PSST pointed us in the right direction, helped us to get our addicted son into the system and to get the care that he needed. We got to meet other parents, just like us, who assured us that we were not crazy. They were not there to judge us, they were there to do what they could to help us. One defining moment for me came at our 2nd or 3rd meeting when another parent turned to my wife and said “See, you can laugh again.”
I want to give a heartfelt thank you to our PSST Pro’s; Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward from the Allegheny County Probation Office and Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum. They continue to demonstrate to parents that the Allegheny County Juvenile Court and Probation System do work for us parents and for our children.
We would also like to extend our sincere appreciation to all of our fellow PSST Parents who have listened, encouraged and passed on their wisdom to us along with some serious hugs when needed.
PSST is a special place for parents - it allows us to strengthen ourselves mentally, spiritually and physically so that we can take back the power and control in our homes and our lives.
We would like to thank the Allegheny County Juvenile Court, and in particular Hearing Officer Robert Banos, who has worked with us in helping our son get the help he needs. Our son has achieved around 13 months of clean time in the last 16 months and is still working at it. He has also earned his G.E.D. Diploma. I even think he is starting to care.
We sincerely appreciate this recognition of our efforts to reach out to other parents and young addicts and to show them that there is help and that there is hope and that the Allegheny County Juvenile System really does work.
By helping them succeed, we are helping ourselves succeed. Thank you.
Rocco and Sally claim Allegheny County Parent-of-the-Year award!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, October 07, 2010
Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum Family Counseling gave a brief introduction to Rocco and Sally. Then, in eloquent dual acceptance speeches, Sally and Rocco humbly accepted Allegheny County Parent of the Year 2010. Sally spoke first making the shorter of the two speeches. Then Rocco took over with a moving summary that included key moments of their story.
Sally began by stating that she is engaged in a personal fight against Enabling. Sally seem to take Rocco by surprise when she commented that he is an awsome father. She also mentioned that she wished that every PSST parent could win the award because they all deserved it.
Next it was Rocco's turn. "When we came to PSST we found out that we were good parents; just not good parents for an addict." He also used the analogy of when he took driving classes for work and was taught that the driver is the most important person in the car. If he doesn't take care of himself first, he can't of much use to his passengers. His point was clear that if parents don't take care of themselves they will be no use to their children.
Rocco also reported that he and Sally were on first name basis with School Principals and that they sought help from therapists but that no matter what they did Cisco still would say, "I don't care." Finally, the Parents began attending PSST, Juvenile Probation processed criminal behavior for Cisco and he was placed in a drug rehab, Rocco felt like their sanity could be saved, that Cisco might be saved, and that their marriage could be put back on solid ground." At one point Rocco got a bit choked up and this only added to the strong impact that their message had on the audience.
As one of the administrators at Juvenile Court commented afterwards, "Parent-of-the Year award was the highlight of the night."
Not only did Rocco and Sally easily deserve this award, but their participation in last nights Awards ceremony was good recognition to highlighted how important and effective PSST can be for parents.
Both Sally and Rocco, thanked Valerie Ketter, Supervisor of the D&A Unit, Lloyd Woodward, Probation Officer, Cathy Culbert and Kathie Tagmyer from Wesley Spectrum. They also sent a big thanks out to all the Parents from PSST who had helped them the last several years. They were also grateful for their extended families many of whom were present in the audience cheering for Rocco and Sally.
Perhaps Rocco and Sally would post their there complete acceptance speeches here on our blog!
Hurray for Sally, Rocco, and for Cisco (without whom none of this would be possible.)
Stay tuned for more pictures. I only have a few pictures in my camera but I know that there were lots of pictures taken, so when I come across more pictures I will post.
K2, Spice, Yucatan Fire, Sence, Chill X, Genie - What is it?
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, October 03, 2010
When was the last time you paid 50 bucks for a few grams of incense and they assured you it will be mailed discreetly?
They're only in for the money and they don't care.
Look for Signs of K2 -- 'Fake Marijuana'
Anthony Scalzo, M.D., professor of toxicology at Saint Louis University, has seen nearly 30 cases involving teenagers who were experiencing hallucinations, severe agitation, elevated heart rate and blood pressure, vomiting and, in some cases, tremors and seizures. All of these teens had smoked a dangerous, yet legal substance known as K2 or "fake weed."
Parents should be on the lookout for warning signs such as agitation, pale appearance, anxiety or confusion due to hallucinations. So if you’re a parent, be on the lookout.
"Look for dried herb residues lying around your kids' room. Chances are they are not using potpourri to make their rooms smell better or oregano to put on their pizza," Scalzo said. – Science Daily - Mar. 3, 2010
What is K2? Where is K2 Sold?
K-2 UPDATE: As of Nov 24 The United States Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) is using its emergency scheduling authority to temporarily control five chemicals (JWH-018, JWH-073, JWH-200, CP-47,497, and cannabicyclohexanol) used to make “fake pot” products.
This action will make possessing and selling these chemicals or the products that contain them illegal in the U.S. for at least one year.
Click on: "The Good, The Bad and the Not So Bright"
Sold as incense or "K2 herbal smoke" the drug K2 is known as a legal alternative to marijuana.
K2's key ingredients were invented by Dr. John Huffman at Clemson University in 1995 during medical research on the effects of cannabinoids on the brain. He found no medical benefits -- only negative side effects.
K2 Spice products' advertisements are often colorful and target children and young people who are particularly at-risk of being taking advantage of. Images of religious figures such as Jesus, Mary and Buddha smoking are often featured on the websites advertising the K2 Spice products.
Spice products are often sold as incense and advertised online as either as 'mystical incense'; or 'the perfect stuff for chilling out at home with friends' along with perfumes, cosmetics and fragrances for the house. Sometimes they are labeled not for 'human consumption', or 'not suitable for under the age of 18.
Because of their packaging, which also looks like 'incense' or 'tea', and their scented smell, Spice products are far less noticeable as drugs since the drug is not easily identified by parents.
What is known about K2?
K2 a.k.a. "Spice," "Genie," or "Zohai" are the best know brand names for synthetic cannabis, a herbal and chemical product which mimics the effects of marijuana. It is around four to ten times more potent than marijuana.
Increased agitation, panic attacks and vomiting have been noted with this drug use, and the US army has banned its use by soldiers.
When synthetic cannabis products first went on sale it was thought that they achieved an effect through a mixture of legal herbs.
Laboratory analysis in 2008 showed this was not the case and that they in fact contained synthetic cannabinoids. These act on the body in a similar way to cannabinoids naturally found in cannabis, such as THC. Synthetic cannabinoids are used in an attempt to avoid the laws which make cannabis illegal.
Professor Huffman who first synthesised many of the cannabinoids used in synthetic cannabis is quoted as saying, "People who use it are idiots. You don't know what it's going to do to you."
One of the greatest dangers involved in buying K2 stems from the fact that it's an unregulated mixture of who knows what.
In a statement, Dr. Huffman said the chemicals were not intended for human use. He added that his lab had developed them for research purposes only, and that “their effects in humans have not been studied and they could very well have toxic effects.”
It is sold under various brand names, online, in head shops, in smoke shops and gas stations.
It is marketed as an incense or "herbal smoking blend", but the products are usually smoked by users. Because it is not intended for consumption, there are no age limits on buying K2 or "Spice K2" and it is being purchased by everyone from teenagers to aging hippies.
It is generally smoked with the same kind of smoking accessories used for non-legal products, and the cost of K2 is generally $30 to $40 per pack thanks to interest in this new drug.
In a story in the Philadelphia Inquirer Chris Goldstein, spokesman for the Philadelphia Chapter for the National Organization to Reform Marijuana Laws (NORML), warns that nobody really knows what is included in each packet of incense. Because it is not regulated by the FDA or DEA it can be sold as a "proprietary blend" and not list ingredients on the package.
"I would not recommend anyone touching this stuff," Goldstein said. "Samples have come back testing positive for formaldehyde, vitamin E and acetone. At least with real marijuana you can tell if it's tainted by looking at it.
"This stuff is like setting a plastic spoon on fire and inhaling."
Though packets of the incense are typically marked "not for human consumption," they are sold with a "wink and a nod," said Barbara Carreno, a spokeswoman for the federal Drug Enforcement Administration.
"When was the last time you paid 50 bucks for a few grams of incense and they assured you it will be mailed discreetly?" Carreno said. "The manufacturers and distributors, they're only in for the money and they don't care."
Although synthetic cannabis does not produce positive results in drug tests for cannabis, it is possible to detect its metabolites in human urine.
The synthetic cannabinoids contained in synthetic cannabis products have been made illegal in many European countries, but remain legal under federal law in the USA and Canada. Several US states have made it illegal under state law.
Other Names
Herbal products containing synthetic cannabinoids have included Spice Gold, Spice Silver, Spice Diamond, Yucatan Fire, Sence, Chill X, Smoke, Genie, Algerian Blend and many others. These products may already be obsolete, since the Internet market is rapidly evolving.
Links:
Philadelphia Inquirer - Sep. 29, 2010 - Pa. House passes bill to outlaw ‘synthetic marijuana’ http://www.philly.com/inquirer/breaking/news_breaking/20100929_Pa__House_passes_bill_to_outlaw_synthetic_marijuana.html#ixzz11aZ9APdr
NY Times - July 10, 2010 - Synthetic Marijuana Spurs State Bans
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/11/us/11k2.html?_r=1&src=me
Science Daily - Mar. 3, 2010 - Toxicologist Warning to Parents: Look for Signs of K2 -- 'Fake Marijuana'
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100303092405.htm
CNN - March 02, 2010 - 'K2' poses dangers and should be illegal
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-03-02/opinion/fay.ban.k2_1_thc-k2-marijuana?_s=PM:OPINION
Psychoactive drug or mystical incense? Overview of the online available information on Spice products - International Journal of Culture and Mental Health, Volume 2, Issue 2 December 2009
http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/content~db=all~content=a918041251~frm=titlelink
Wikipedia - Synthetic Cannabis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Synthetic_cannabis
Sally and Rocco to receive Allegheny County Parent of the Year Award on Oct 6th!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, October 02, 2010
Sally and Rocco will receive this prestigious award on 10-6-10, this Wednesday, at 550 Fifth Ave., (old county jail-second floor waiting room). It is scheduled from between 6:00 PM and 8:00 PM. Why not come down and clap for Sally and Rocco and catch their acceptance speech?
I have reprinted practically the whole of the nomination, minus some real names: the challenging part was really limiting this to 250 words. When it comes to Sally and Rocco I could go on and on.
Reason for Nomination (no more than 250 words):
Both Mr. & Mrs. (Rocco and Sally) have been tirelessly involved in efforts to intervene in the life of their teenage son who experienced serious drug abuse and a number of MH issues. By working as a team they have helped their son effect a positive change in his life.
1. Both Rocco and Sally attend Parent Survival Skills Training regularly. They actively participate, encourage and support others.
2. Both Parents took steps to cease enabling and they began to work with Probation to hold their son accountable.
3. Both Rocco and Sally worked closely with Wesley-Spectrum Family Therapist, Cathy Culbert. They had the courage to take a good look at their own roles in parenting. When they saw something they could improve- they did.
4. Rocco and Sally both act as Parent Editors of the PSST blog. They use pen names to share their ongoing story about Cisco and they edit other parent’s stories and publish them to the blog. (www.gopsst.org)
5. Sally also volunteers to help others in their fight against the disease of addiction: she started knitting groups with female addicts in treatment programs.
Currently, Rocco and Sally are visiting their son in his third inpatient drug treatment program. He is so far succeeding at a local adult treatment program. The steps that Rocco and Sally took to stop enabling have helped Cisco decide to get better. While they are waiting for the “miracle” to happen they continue to help others through their involvement in PSST and various volunteer activities.
Lloyd Woodward, JPO 9-10-10
