Things You Find When Looking For Something Else
- The 3 C's
Often after getting help we wonder why did we wait so long before looking for support and learning how to use the resources that are available to us.
We become aware of a serious problem with the behavior of our teen. We see them changing in negative ways and may even understand that alcohol/drugs are involved. Usually we think that we can handle the situation ourselves.
The idea that our son or daughter might be an addict is so disturbing that we will focus on almost any other issue as the main issue (friends, school, our job). Sometimes we know the reality in our heads but can't or won't accept it in our heart. This split between head and heart is not unusual but may prevent us from moving forward toward learning how to respond to our child’s drug use in a healthy way and seek help and resources for them, ourselves and our family.
First of all many of us don't really understand addiction. The second issue is that the concept of addiction carries with it a heavy load of blame, shame, guilt, failure, and is unfortunately and inaccurately seen as a reflection on the character of our family.
Our tendency is to try to take care of problems within our family and not to "air out our dirty laundry." This behavior tends to isolate the family and reduces our chance of learning more about the reality of addiction and how to contact and use resources that could be helpful.
What do you do with that urge, or obsession, to control your teenage drug/alcohol user’s every move?
It is important to remember the 3 C's.
We didn't Cause the addiction.
We can't Control the addiction.
We can't Cure the addiction.
The 3 C's might sound like we are more helpless than we want to be. We would rather force ourselves into the situation rather than believe we are helpless in a family crisis.
Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) can help you to understand what you are dealing with when you have an addicted adolescent in your family, help you reduce your feelings of isolation and anxiety, help you relate to your entire family, help you feel better about yourselves and stay connected to friends and other people you know in the community.
PSST can help you with the following:
1. Understand the nature of the disease of addiction.
2. Understand the difference between your teen’s issues and your issues.
3. Understand and begin to implement the 3 C's
.
4. Understand and begin to implement the new 3 C-C's based on what you can do.
5. Learn how to manage anxiety and fear. Learn how they drive unhealthy reactions to the addict.
6. Learn how to use resources both inside and outside your family.
It may take a while before your teenager fully accepts their recovery program. But in the mean time PSST will help you find a sense of balance, self-control and general well-being in your life. When you act from a sense of balance, you have the presence of mind to “be there” for your teen in a meaningful, rather than a desperate way. You have the ability to think clearly and make better decisions. You will know the difference between what your issues are and what your teen’s issues are.
So, what do you do with the urge to control your addict’s every move?
Start by controlling your every move.
Get yourself to a PSST meeting (or find help at www.alanon.org or www.naranon.org), put your health and well-being first, and start treating your teen properly – regardless of whether or not he or she is meeting your expectations of how to live life.
Start to really LIVE your life yourself. Enjoy your moments, hours and days; stay in present time; Breathe deeply and enjoy the company of the people around you without allowing every other word you speak to be about the addict in your life.
Of course that’s just the beginning and at the same time it’s an awful lot.
They say there are only 4 ends to an addict: jail, death, recovery or institution. The same can be said for the co-addict. Stop your obsession and begin to live a life in recovery TODAY!
The New 3 C-C's:
Remember that in fact we are not helpless and if we are to make the best use of important resources we need to learn the new 3 C-C's.
What we Can Cause: Improvement in our well being, increased knowledge about addiction, treatment and how to respond to our teenager.
What we Can Control: Our environment, How we respond to addiction, How we allow ourselves to be treated.
What we Can Cure: Our own emotional and physical health.
The 3 C's and other information concerning Families and Addiction can be found at the following web sites:
12StepFamily.com - dedicated to reaching out to the family members of addicts of all types and help them get the information they need to improve their life circumstances whether the addict is still using or not!
http://12stepfamily.com/category/parents-of-addicts/
Families and Addiction Blog - An ongoing dialogue about how family members can help themselves, the addicted person they care about and learn to use resources in their community.
http://familiesandaddiction.blogspot.com/
Things You Find When Looking For Something Else - The 3 C's
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, July 19, 2010
Summary – PSST Meeting July 17, 2010 Mt Lebanon
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, July 19, 2010
Summary – PSST Meeting July 17, 2010
Mt Lebanon
DON’T PANIC
If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting. PSST is here to empower the PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to SUCCEED in helping their teenager save their own life.
We had another great turnout at this week’s PSST meeting at OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES in Mt Lebanon.
Val, Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 11 parents and 1 boyfriend representing 9 families.
Each of us had an opportunity to talk over our own situations and issues. We discussed parents becoming skilled at how to take back the power in their homes, teens that turn to alcohol, teens in various stages of recovery and some ways that we can get through to our teens.
We discussed various tactics we use to handle teen drug abuse. There are many ways from the direct approach (“Just do it, or else!”) to the “Iron Fist / Velvet Glove” methods.
Before deciding on which technique to use (sorry there is no “ONE-SIZE-FITS-ALL” method) try to first understand how the adolescent brain operates, especially the adolescent brain on drugs. 
Expecting the same response from a teenage drug user that you get from a non-using adolescent, or an adult, will only lead to disappointment, exasperation and frustration.
Here is some information from NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) –
What Do Drugs Do to the Brain?
Drugs are chemicals. They work in the brain by tapping into its communication system and interfering with the way nerve cells normally send, receive, and process information. Different drugs—because of their chemical structures—work differently. In fact, some drugs can change the brain in ways that last long after the person has stopped taking drugs, maybe even permanently. This is more likely when a drug is taken repeatedly.
Isn’t Becoming Addicted to a Drug Just a Character Flaw?
The first time people use drugs, it’s usually a conscious decision they’ve made. But once people become addicted, they are dealing with a brain disease. Each drug of abuse has its own individual way of changing how the brain functions. But in most cases, it doesn’t really matter which drug a person is addicted to; many of the effects it has on the brain are similar. The fact is that our brains are wired to make sure we will repeat activities, like eating, by associating those activities with pleasure or reward. Whenever this reward circuit is activated, the brain notes that something important is happening that needs to be remembered, and teaches us to do it again and again, without thinking about it. Because drugs of abuse stimulate the same circuit, we learn to abuse drugs in the same way. So while the initial decision to take drugs is a choice for some, a physical need replaces that choice. This is what’s known as addiction.
Isn’t Drug Addiction a Voluntary Behavior?
A person may start out taking drugs voluntarily, but as time passes and drug use continues, something happens that makes a person go from being a voluntary drug user to a compulsive drug user.
Shouldn't Treatment for Drug Addiction Be a One-Shot Deal?
No—it’s not like treating a broken bone. Like diabetes and even asthma, drug addiction typically is a chronic disorder. Some people can quit drug use “cold turkey,” or they can quit after receiving treatment just one time at a rehabilitation facility. But most who have become addicted to drugs need longer term treatment and, in many instances, repeated treatments—much like a person who has developed asthma needs to constantly monitor changes in medication and exercise. The important point is that even when someone relapses, they should not give up hope. Rather they need to go back to treatment or modify their current treatment. In fact, setbacks are likely. Even people with diabetes may go off their diet or miss an insulin injection, and their symptoms will recur—that’s a cue to get back on track, not to view treatment as a failure.
The NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) website is an invaluable resource for information.
As one of our experienced PSST dads put it “We all need to adjust our own behavior, our own lifestyle and our perception of our teenage drug abusers. It is not that the addict doesn’t care. It is not that they are not ashamed of what they are doing. It is not that they don’t want to recover. It is that their addiction causes them to be so narrowly focused on their primary goal of getting their next high that they don’t see that their lives are unmanageable.”
We need to accept that this is not just “their” problem. This is the whole family’s problem. This is now our reality and we need to adjust our way of life if our child is going to recover. Three items that are indispensable for us and our teen are honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to change.
There are several posts on the PSST Blog that address the topic of the Adolescent Brain.
The Adolescent Brain – Posted April 2010
“Adolescent Brains are under such rapid growth that indeed they are in many ways not like adult brains. Once we understand this, we can understand some of these mysterious behaviors such as risk-taking…”
Two Books That May Help – Posted August 2009
“As a parent going frantic over my child’s drug use with its related anti-social behaviors and criminal activities, a dear friend suggested I read this set of books written by a father and son detailing the same issue..”.
Drugs and the Brain – Posted December 2006
“The more parents understand what is happening during this critical period of brain development, the better they will be able to respond to the needs of their children...”
This post also links to the NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) website.
Our thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday August 7 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.
C'mon in and join us. There is no cost or commitment.
Our meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
"One Down, One to GO" Story by Max (A PSST Parent)
Posted by:Sally--Monday, July 19, 2010
"One Down, One to GO" Story by Max
For those of you who have read my previous postings, David is my younger of 2 boys. He doesn't realize it yet but he is a lucky guy. At this moment his dad is escorting him to his new boarding school in Utah.
Why school now in the middle of summer, why all the way in Utah - these are the most frequently asked questions. I always answer in the most streamlined way; because this is a different type of school that has rolling admission; they accept kids 365 days a year.
Utah is a rugged place with lots of opportunity for out door experiential therapies and regular fun activities.
Yes, it's very far from Pittsburgh, no, he can't come home whenever he wants, but we will visit him and have family therapy via conference call weekly.
No cell phones or cigarettes allowed. Does any of this sound remotely familiar to anyone?
Sounds like placement in a D&A facility like Gateway Yes, or similar.
Only parents that have toyed with this type of placement would really understand that although we love them and wish they could stay at home, it is better for all sides to be sent elsewhere - at least for the time being. I know my PSST friends understand with zero justification.
David's path to this point has already been documented in 2 previous blogs (Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure Part I & Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure Part II) - feel free to read.
Bottom line for David is that there was no private school in Pittsburgh that would take him with the combination of poor grades and oppositional behaviors, and public school is now out of the question - we are involved in our kids school and always have been, but it isn't a reciprocal relationship. His public high school where his brother Michael is currently falls through crack after crack was not an option. He would be sliding the already slippery slope.
So my husband Mel and I did some research and hired an educational consultant. We explained what we were hoping for; a school that would understand a kid like David and the terrible year of school, bad friends and marijuana that he experienced.
A place where he couldn't be kicked out of for being oppositional, or even cursing at a teacher, sneaking a cigarette, or having a dirty urine screen.
A place that will get him back to the athlete he was before marijuana use made him a slug.
A place that will teach him how to learn so there is a chance that he won't find school so miserable and may actually learn something.
A place that helps him get his big personality down to manageable size.
Since David was only on an extended contract and not formally charged, some of the placements in our area would have been inappropriate. He wasn't actually in the system.
We have the experience of his older brother Michael to relate to, (also in previous blog "Max and Mel's terrible adventure; the prequel") so we understood basically what was out there.
We also know our son very well, and understood his best chance was to remove him from Pittsburgh altogether to a place that is dedicated to helping trouble teens like David. We are fortunate we are able to send him, and he as I said is a lucky guy. In retrospect he will see this.
It was difficult to make the decision, difficult to tell him, difficult to get him there - but this morning at 5 A.M. he willingly got into the car to go to the airport.
Perhaps there is a part of him that understands by now why he is going, that he needs to go. All I know is, I don't feel like crying right now, because I spent the last year crying and worrying. He is now in a safe place. Maybe I can relax a bit and take a deep breath before embarking on the next chapter of our other son Michaels' treatment...stay tuned!
Summary of July 10 PSST Meeting in Wexford
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Summary of July 10 PSST Meeting in Wexford
It was a beautiful sunny July day outside in Wexford on Saturday. Inside Trinity Lutheran Val, Lloyd and Kathie T from Wesley Spectrum led the PSST meeting along with 5 perceptive PSST parents in attendance. We had some very good discussion as well as some great coffee, donuts, brownies, cookies and savory sweet cherries.
There was a single mom who explained how she has taken back the power in her home. She is controlling her emotions and will no longer allow her son to manipulate her into feeling bad about herself. She is now responding in a calm but authoritative manner to his tantrums. This has taken away one of her son’s main tactics to get his way and has him looking at his mom in a new light.
One of our enlightened PSST moms returned to talk about her son’s current situation. He had completed his inpatient program in January. He was enrolled in a local ‘academy’ to get him back on track to graduate high school. He was well on his way and even had a very nice internship set up. And then he and some classmates became involved in an infraction which resulted in him being asked to leave the program (including the internship). The mom is very upset, of course, that her son is missing this opportunity to advance his education. The group discussed his circumstances and raised the question of which is more critical to this teenager at this time; his education or getting help with his behavioral issues? Val, Kathy and Lloyd pointed out that there are programs available that would primarily address his behavioral issues while still providing for his education. It may not be the same education available at the ‘academy’ but he needs to understand that his behavior must improve if he is going to succeed with any level of education.
We had updates from Max on how her and Mel’s sons (Michael and David) are progressing in their recovery and also from Sally and Rocco on their son’s (Cisco) impending homecoming from Liberty Station. The boys are at various stages in their recovery but both sets of parents have restored control in their homes and have stability back in their lives.
Things are not perfect but we PSST Parents have the “tools” and we know how to use them. And most important we have the support and encouragement from the professionals and our fellow parents at PSST.
Thanks to all who attended this meeting especially Val, Kathy and Lloyd for their continued counseling.
We look forward to some experienced parents attending our future meetings to continue our discussions and offer whatever wisdom or insights they may have to offer. We would like to see some not-so-experienced parents continue to attend our meetings to work through their dilemmas and their doubts. We are always looking for some new parents to join us so we can offer them help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to empower the PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to SUCCEED in helping their teenager save their own life.
A note to parents thinking about attending their first PSST Meeting: The first meeting may seem a bit overwhelming and you might feel a little uncomfortable. That is okay. Sally and I felt that way when we attended our first meeting three years ago. We now wish that at that time we would have stuck it out longer. Regardless we were happy to be able to return two years later for our second meeting and find acceptance as well as a lot of support, wisdom and understanding. Our family is now healing, hopeful and heading in the right direction.
PSST Announcement:
An “Informational Video” will probably be produced at the Wexford site (Trinity Lutheran Church) following the August Meeting. Any and all participation in the video will be strictly voluntary. The purpose of the video will be to promote Parents Survival Skills Training and to attract further participation by parents. Watch the PSST Blog for more information.
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, July 17 at the PSST meeting at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (There is free parking in the back lot).
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
We Can Do It
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Last night I listened to a grandmother talk about how she continues to make regular trips to the hospital with her daughter who repeatedly overdoses on Heroin but at the same time this grandmother is supporting her granddaughter in outpatient meetings. She talked of how she and her husband cruise from one crisis to the next, dropping everything important in their lives to help keep their daughter and her daughter alive. Also, there are other family issues that drain the grandparents.
Here are my thoughts on the huge sacrifice that these and many other parents all over make towards their children.
1. A SOMETIMES MYTH: "If it's saving a life, it can't be enabling." Obviously, administering CPR to someone who has overdosed is not enabling- it's saving a life; however, taking your adult drug-addict to the ER several times a month because he has a back problem may be far from saving his life. It may be helping him with drug-seeking behavior as his trip to the hospital clearly is intended to get pain meds. Buying heart medication, which is not covered by your adult drug addicts health care may be saving a life; however, buying stomach medication, which is likewise not covered when you are pretty sure that he just spent his last dollar on a bag of weed may be enabling. Helping your child by taking him the doctor when he is in withdrawal may be saving a life; however, taking him into a nefarious part of town to cop drugs when he is withdrawing may be enabling him towards drug seeking behavior.
It is all a judgement. A good rule of thumb is to be afraid of helping too much. Drug addicts are adept at allowing people to do many things for them that they are quite capable of doing for themselves.
2. Myth: the only thing that really matters is helping my child through this problem. Not really. If you don't take care of yourself you can't take care of others. Set a good example for your addict by having your own life where you pursue happiness by having good relationships where you spend time with people you care about, and have strong interests and hobbies. Work out. Eat well. Get lots of sleep. Be strong. That way, when the real crisis comes you will be ready. Say no to a lot of requests from your adult and teen-age addicts. To them everything may seem like a crisis. It helps your teenagers grow up when they are expected to solve some of their own problems. Be there for them when you know it is a real crisis or when you know that they are finally ready to change their lives for the better.
3. Myth: If I say "NO" about a request I have abandoned my teen and I'm the only one there for him! You have not abandoned him because you have said no about something. You may not be the only one there for him either. Remember, addicts (especially ones that are still using) are adept at turning everything into a monumental crisis and they may be adept at convincing parents that they are the only ones who can help. Sometimes parents aren't the best people to help. (Of course, we all love to hear how important we are.)
4. SOMETIMES MYTH: There is nothing else I can do. When we start thinking that we have no options it may be that we are missing something. Especially, when we stop trying to hold them accountable, when we are just too tired to fight anymore; then it's time to look at our options. There could be several things that we have decided not to do that might just be the ticket! Keep an open mind. Listen to others. Re-evaluate options and don't give up. Keep up the good fight.
For example, if you know your teen will go out anyway, even if you tell him that he is forbidden to leave the house, then don't give up. Tell him he is grounded and look for a more radical approach. Let him know that you know he is out-of-control and that you will be taking serious steps to regain control; this may involve using the authorities or stripping him of all belongings including many of his best outfits. Hit him where it hurts. Take his cell phone- remove his computer to the trunk of your car. Demand that he have an assessment and that he begin outpatient. Don't give up. There is almost always more that you can do. It is not easy but it's better than giving up. Read the post on Should I get My child a PO. Also, "if you do what you always do, you get what you always got" (12-step saying). Try something different if what you are doing is not working.
Keep fighting but fight smart. Sometimes what we are doing is counter-productive. Stop. Re-evauluate if what your are doing is helping. We may be powerless to make the addict choose a better way but on the otherhand we can sometimes raise the bottom for them so that it gets harder and harder for our addict to continue to make bad decisions. That's the important thing. Keep helping but ask yourself, "Am I helping him to continue to abuse drugs or am I helping him towards recovery?"
Expungement of Juvenile Court records
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Reading further into 9123 clarifies that someone may file for expungement of any 18 year-old after taking into consideration the following factors, which then means that one need not wait five-years for the expungement of some one's record if they are 18 or older. By far and away, most people filing for Expungement would be 18 year-olds:
1. Type of Offense.
2. Age, History of Employment, Criminal Activity and any drug-alcohol problems.
3. Adverse consequences that someone might experience if their record was not expunged.
4. Protection of public safety.
Therefore, if a teen is 18 or older then he need not wait five years and can file a petition for expungement based upon the four above-listed categories.
Here is the important part for Allegheny County residents: Anyone who is 18 years of age and was either formally On Probation (Adjudicated Delinquent) or in placement will need to employ an attorney to file for expungement. Anyone who had a Withdrawal of charges, Dismissal, or a Consent Decree (this includes Consent Decree Placements) will not need an attorney. Instead, the Consent Decree and lower cases will soon be able to contact an Expungement Clerk, go down to the Family Court House, fill out some forms after which the rest of the expungement process will be taken care of for you.
As mentioned above, the Expungement Clerk will not handle Probation cases where there has been a Court Adjudication or a Finding of Delinquency, but only Consent Decree and lower. The Expungement Clerk tells me that the new system is close to but not quite ready for business yet; therefore, we will hold off putting a contact person's name and phone number on the blog. Check back soon because that information will be added to this post once we know the new system is green-lighted.
It can be expensive to file for expungement via an Attorney. It is one of the consequences that a Probationer has to deal with and it may be another invaluable lesson for the Probationer. Still, if one is completely unable to hire an attorney, we will try to find another way for the former Probationer, but we can not guarantee anything at the present time. If the former Probationer is working, he should probably save up for an attorney.
I am going to post the law here for every one's convenience and links to appropriate sources.
§ 9123. Juvenile records.
(a) Expungement of juvenile records.--Notwithstanding the
provisions of section 9105 (relating to other criminal justice
information) and except upon cause shown, expungement of records
of juvenile delinquency cases wherever kept or retained shall
occur after 30 days' notice to the district attorney, whenever
the court upon its motion or upon the motion of a child or the
parents or guardian finds:
(1) a complaint is filed which is not substantiated or
the petition which is filed as a result of a complaint is
dismissed by the court;
(2) six months have elapsed since the final discharge of
the person from supervision under a consent decree and no
proceeding seeking adjudication or conviction is pending;
(3) five years have elapsed since the final discharge of
the person from commitment, placement, probation or any other
disposition and referral and since such final discharge, the
person has not been convicted of a felony, misdemeanor or
adjudicated delinquent and no proceeding is pending seeking
such conviction or adjudication; or
(4) the individual is 18 years of age or older, the
attorney for the Commonwealth consents to the expungement and
a court orders the expungement after giving consideration to
the following factors:
(i) the type of offense;
(ii) the individual's age, history of employment,
criminal activity and drug or alcohol problems;
(iii) adverse consequences that the individual may
suffer if the records are not expunged; and
(iv) whether retention of the record is required for
purposes of protection of the public safety.
(b) Notice to prosecuting attorney.--The court shall give
notice of the applications for the expungement of juvenile
records to the prosecuting attorney.
(c) Dependent children.--All records of children alleged to
be or adjudicated dependent may be expunged upon court order
after the child is 21 years of age or older.
(Dec. 14, 1979, P.L.556, No.127, eff. imd.; June 11, 1982,
P.L.476, No.138, eff. 180 days; Dec. 11, 1986, P.L.1517, No.164,
eff. 60 days; Mar. 15, 1995, 1st Sp.Sess., P.L.978, No.7, eff.
60 days)
NIDA Word of the Day - Relapse
Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, July 06, 2010
From the NIDA Sara Bellum Blog
Relapse… If you keep up with the SBB you know by now that addiction is a chronic (long-lasting) disease that takes hold in some people who abuse drugs. You may also know that some people can quit their drug use. But often a person will return to using drugs after they have quit. This is what NIDA Scientists call a relapse.
In drug abuse, relapse is the resumption of drug use after trying to stop taking drugs. Relapse is a common occurrence in many chronic disorders, including addiction, that require behavioral adjustments to treat effectively.
Relapse… - Why does it happen?
Addiction changes the wiring of the brain to cause uncontrollable craving and compulsive drug use–despite the consequences.
For someone with an addiction, going without the drug for periods of time can make that person feel so anxious and stressed that they need the drug just to stop feeling bad.
A person who is addicted to a drug usually needs professional treatment to quit drug use. This can include medication or therapy, or a combination of both. It also helps to have support in the family and the community.
While quitting drug use is possible, addiction is a long-lasting disease, and treating it takes time-and just because someone gets treatment and stops using a drug does not mean that these strong cravings go away for good. Especially when certain cues are present. These cues vary from person to person and can trigger a relapse.
Imagine that your best friend is addicted to cigarettes and says she smokes to relieve stress, but that she recently quit because her boyfriend hates the smell of cigarette smoke. Since she has connected cigarette smoking with stress relief, the next time your friend faces a stressful situation, like a fight with parents or final exams, she will most likely crave a cigarette, increasing her risk of a relapse. Her use of cigarettes, which led to an addiction to nicotine, has also caused her to associate “relaxation” with cigarettes.
Not everyone will relapse once they have quit drug use; it depends on the person, their genes, their environment, and many other factors, including personal commitment and family support.
For more information on addiction and today’s ”Word of the Day,” check out the myths about drug abuse or the Brain and Addiction page on the NIDA for Teens Web site.
Copyright
Government information presented on the Sara Bellum Blog is in the public domain. Public domain information may be freely distributed and copied, but please link to us and acknowledge us as the source, so more people can find our blog.
All NIH-generated images (including images that are labeled “NIDA” or “NIH”) are in the public domain and can be freely reused; again, we always appreciate being credited as the source.
Highlights of the July 3rd PSST meeting. Writing and Presenting a Contract
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, July 03, 2010
The other parents give us support and encouragement, wisdom and understanding and even some much appreciated humor. They are our comrades in this tough journey.
The meeting was attended by ten parents, who will remain anonomous: alias' Max and Mel, Candy, Ralph and Alice, Rocco and Sally and three other concerned parents who I will call Rose, Daisy and Hyacinth until they come up with a better a.k.a. for themselves.
We varied from our usual format. Instead of starting the meeting by having each parent tell in detail, where in the recovery process their teen is; each parent gave a very brief introduction and then Lloyd explained the highlights of contract writing. The most pertinent information that Lloyd gave us were the following points:
1. Prioritize and write the most important things down on the contract.
Try not to be over controlling. Leave trivial things off of the contract.
2. Only put items on the contract in which you can and will enforce.
3. When motivating your teen to follow the rules of the contract it is most effective to take the time to use the 'now technique' vs. the 'let's wait 'til you screw up and I'll blast you' method.
Getting them to follow the rules now may take some prompting. For example: "Please, clean your room now". If they don't move, step in a tad bit closer to them and say in the same firm but moderate voice, "Clean your room now. I will not let up until you get out of that chair and clean your room." Continue this until you get them to do the chore.
At first, this will be difficult for the parent and it is very important that if you start the 'now technique' you must keep prompting them until they do get up and follow the rule. You need to be successful the first time. When you use the 'now technique' make sure you have the time, stamina and enough creative humor to follow through. The process will get easier each time you use it. Your child becomes more self motivated by internalizing that they need to do it 'now' than if you punish them later for not doing something or if you reinforce their good behavior when they do follow the rules.
4. Another very important point is that people are motivated when they are given a challenge.
When a teen is presented with a list of rules in which they are to follow, they will most likely crinkle up the piece of paper and toss it across the floor and say "This is Bull S.... I can't do all of this". The most powerful words you can say in response are: "YOU ARE RIGHT, this is a lot of stuff that we expect from you. With your present attitude this may be too much, never the less, we expect you to follow these rules. We can talk about the rules and some of them can be negotiable now and some may be negotiable in the future."
Agree with them and then give them the challenge to try their best to abide by the rules.
5. When a rule is broken follow through with a consequence.
Use the smallest and most appropriate consequence which you can think of. Save the other consequences for the next time. The most important thing is not the consequence or if the chore is done perfectly or not. The most important thing is the message you are sending them. I think the message is: Mom and Dad have changed. We are in control and we call the shots in this home.
After Lloyd instructed us on how to write a contract we broke off into three groups. Each group was given a scenerio of a recovering teen, the contracts were discussed and then written. Each group then did a role-play on presenting the contract to their teen. Everyone was enthusiastic and seemed to learn a lot.
We even found time for a break with some hot coffee and delicious sweets. We ended up with enough time to allow Candy to go into some detail about her teen and we offered her some advice from our collective experience.
I would like to end by saying that I glanced around the room while Lloyd was giving advice on writing contracts. I saw nine sets of concerned eyes staring and at full attention. Each parent was leaning forward in their chair and intent on the speaker. I realized that we all want the same thing. We all love our troubled teens and passionately want them to recover. It brought to mind the following words of wisdom that Lloyd wrote in the post titled Who Moved the Cheese. It speaks about the importance of patience. Here is the excerpt from that post:
"Once again, it’s ironic, but as Cisco senses that you are prepared to patiently wait for the change, and that you aren’t going to return to enabling him while you are waiting, that tends to speed up his time-table for change. When (if) he senses that you just have to have him make all these changes, and make them now, then he senses the power-shift coming back to him and that feeling of a power-shift is toxic to an addict."
Hope to see you all and anyone else who will benefit from PSST at the next meeting.
I'm not sure if I covered everything completely so please feel free to interject comments and corrections.
Three scenarios for July 3rd meeting (video plays at bottom of post)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, June 25, 2010
If we have enough parents we will divide up into three smaller groups and ask each group to build a contract for each of the seperate scenarios, given the limited amount of info you get in each scenario. Then, we are asking each smaller group to role-play the Contract Scenario. No one has to be part of the role-play and, indeed, usally everyone can't get involved because you only need two or three to do a role-play; although if you want to include a PO and/ or a Therapist in your role-play you can raise that to three, four, or five.
Additionally, we are OPEN FOR SUGGESTIONS on scenarios. If you write one up and email it to Sally or me ahead of time, it is possible that we will add yours to the mix or use the one you submit instead of one of the three listed here. You can find Sally's email up at the top right of our blog. Mine is lloyd.woodward@alleghenycourts.us
This way everyone who reads the blog gets a chance to add to the fun ahead of time if they like. In fact, I'm sure that preferential treatment will be given to any scenarios that are submitted by parents over the three that I have listed here, but at least these three should give the reader an idea of what we are looking for. Each scenario should be no longer than one page if possible. Like they used to say on Dragnet, "Just the facts, Ma'am." Please use pen names.
Scenario 1: Johnny
Juvenile: Johnny is 16. He has finished outpatient. He stayed clean for the whole time. Now he is out of rehab for three weeks. The parents think he might be using again or he might be starting to use again. For one thing the school reports that he has started skipping some of his classes again. For another, his old friends have started to call him again although he denies that he has been hanging out with them. Also, he has come home late several times now, at 1:00 in the morning and he won’t say why he is late.
John is into music. He writes a lot of his own music. The parents don’t understand it but it seems to have a lot of blood, violence, sex and drugs in it for their liking. John lives with his father and his stepmother. He insists that if they have to sit down to do a contract that his stepmother not be a part of it. He resents her apparently and often is disrespectful to her by saying things like, “you should know.” And “it takes one to know one.” He is also fond of reminding her, “You’re not my mother.” He never swears or calls her names but his statements to her often carry a disrespectful tone and imply that she has done something very wrong by being his stepmother. Johnny’s mother has remarried and now lives in Arizona. She calls and writes a couple times a month but she has stated that she is not prepared to provide a home for him and that he needs to work it out with his father. Johnny refuses to be drug tested. He also most of the time refuses to do any house hold chores or to keep his room clean. When confronted, he says “Let her do it (meaning his stepmother.) Have three people play the stepmother, the father, and John and build a contract for Johnny.Scenario 2: Sue
Sue thinks that her mother is unfair. She knows that her mother and her father both did drugs at one time and now her mom doesn’t do drugs or drink anymore. Dad seems to be out of town a lot. Parents don’t live together anymore but Sue, who is 15 years old, goes to stay at Dad’s house once or twice a month. He lives close by with his mother who takes on most of the parenting tasks anyway. The Paternal Grandmother and the mother have always been cordial but never close. Sue has been in IOP (Intensive Outpatient)for three weeks. She has dirty urine for weed but only one time. She does well at school and getting her out of bed in the morning is no problem. She was caught doing weed at school originally and so now she attends an alternative school. She has made some new friends from the alternative school but the parents think they are creepy. Sue says they don’t use drugs. Sue says that when she gets out of IOP she will use again. This scares her mother and her father. The parents and the school insisted that she attend IOP and she seems angry and says that she will get even some day- “you just wait, MOM, someday you’ll be sorry you and Dad turned against me.” Really, it was the school that insisted that sue go to IOP but still Sue is angry about that. Sue loves to play Halo online. It’s her passion. She prides herself that she is one of the few girls who really know Halo. Sometimes she is up all night playing and texting on her cell phone. Her cell phone is so fancy that all her friends are jealous. Her father has bought it for her without consulting mom. Sue keeps her room clean and now and then she helps out around the house but it’s never something she does on a regular basis. Sue went to a few 12-step meetings but she can’t stand them and says she will never go back. Father and mother get together with Sue to do a contract.
Scenario 3: Freddy
Freddy can’t wake up for school. When he gets to school he does great but he usually misses several morning classes. The mother has tried a lot of things to wake him up but nothing seems to work. He gets really angry when his parents try to wake him up and he calls them names, curses, and breaks things. A he is 17 years old. He has never had a relationship with his father. He completed inpatient and then completed IOP. He was able to stay away from all old people places and things and he has stayed clean for nine months now. He went to a lot of 12-step meetings but he doesn’t go anymore- says he doesn’t need meetings and that he doesn’t want to get high anyways. His girlfriend and he met when he was inpatient. They have been dating since they got out. She has relapsed to alcohol a couple of times but Freddy stays clean. She doesn’t go to 12-step anymore either. Freddy has a chance to graduate high school on time- he is almost 18-but the fact that he can’t get up is a big problem. He has his own car and a part-time job but he is still on his mother’s insurance and she holds the title to his car, which he is paying her back for helping to buy it. He works three days a week after school and he never misses work and he is never late. He drives to school. The mother has tried to tell him that if he doesn’t get up and get to school on time he will not be able to drive. He says Ok, and then if he can’t drive he won’t go to school at all. The mother feels desperate to see her son graduate so she backs off. Recently, however, she has been reading up on contracts with teenagers and she decides to put one together for Freddy. Freddy’s mother still randomly urine screens him a couple times a week and he is always clean. She has made it clear that if he uses he will have to go back into treatment and/or get out of the house. Neither is something Freddy wants to do. He knows that his mother is serious about the drugs but he believes that is all she really cares enough about to take action over. He doesn’t mind the drug tests. He doesn’t mind much except getting up for school otherwise he is pretty easy to get along with. Freddy and mom meet to do a contract. (Video below is Happy Fourth of July from Kathie & Lloyd)
Rules and contracts
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, June 23, 2010
We have a request by Rocco to cover rules and contracts at our July 3rd meeting. Soon, Cisco will probably be released back home. In preparation for our July 3rd meeting I have some thoughts to share with your on this topic. 
If you have a rule you can't or don't want to enforce, then don't have it. Try to prioritize the important things and then try not to over-control in other areas. Remember, every moment cannot be a teaching moment. There is an art to also relaxing and enjoying your teenager. Try to cultivate that art. Your teen is funny, charming, clever, bold, and caring. Build on his strengths. Are contracts important? Yes, essential, but other things are important too. Find humor. It will heal.
One of the most important things about contracts is that you have to write them down. It's not necessary to write down contracts in all families, but when you have control issues, drug problems, and /or Juvenile Court youth, suddenly writing things down becomes really key.
When sanctioning, use only as much power as necessary to get the teenagers behavior back on track. Power helps you most when you only use it when you have to use it. Use the technique "now" (when possible) to enforce rules without using punishment.
When your teenager balks at the rules that you come up with and/ acts outraged that you dare attempt to write down rules, agree with your teen, "yes, it's true, these rules are really going to be a challenge for you- you might have trouble with this contract." Don't try to defend why you need these rules. Most of them, curfew, get approval for where and with whom you spend time, clean your room are self-explanatory anyways.
We have several posts on rules and contracts. I will post links to two here.
Rules of the Road posted by Ken Thursday, July 19, 2007
Home Contract by Caron Foundation posted Tuesday, May 06, 2008
PSST Fathers: Persevering, Skillful, Supportive & Terrific
Posted by:Sally--Monday, June 21, 2010
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain
I always have to chuckle at Mark Twain's quote on fatherhood. He got it so right..... It is a rare teenager who appreciates his father until he grows up. Never the Less I have seen super terrific dads at PSST meetings.
These terrific fathers share their stories with so much wisdom and sometimes even greater humor than Mark Twain himself. They are not afraid to reach out for the help they need in raising their teenagers and then they turn around and reach out to help others.
Some of us are lucky enough to have one of them as a partner. This added support is something we appreciate beyond measure. Some of them are step-fathers who learn the skills to be a positive force in their step-child's life. Sometimes they come without a partner to gain the skills they need in raising a teen on their own. No matter how they come to PSST - We are so lucky and proud to have them with us.
They persevere and "Fly Above the Storm";
They "Learn to Unlearn" and then pick up new ways of being very skillful at dealing with teenage addicts.
They have enough insight to "Really Listen to their Teen" instead of always talking.
Yes, PSST fathers are "Our Top Dogs".
Persevering - Skillful - Supportive - Terrific
Summary of June 19th PSST Meeting - by "Max"
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, June 20, 2010
A Tale of Three Moms - Summary of June 19th PSST Meeting by "Max"
Today was a great PSST meeting at Outreach Teen & Family Services in Mt. Lebanon, even though there were only 3 moms in attendance. We missed all our usual attendees; NEVERTHELESS, the small number allowed each of us to give detailed updates with lots of helpful insights from Lloyd, as well as many more donuts to choose from.
1. We discussed a mother who made sure her son was placed into an inpatient recovery program despite complications from her ex-husband.
2. We had an update on the progress of two brothers in their recovery program.
3. We finished up with a discussion on a daughter who has relapsed.
One parent brought us up to date on her son's placement at Abraxas. We discussed how complicated and difficult it is for her to have an ex spouse who continually tries to place blame with counter-productive comments. Lloyd helped her to TAKE BACK SOME CONTROL by blocking this block-head's number, and refusing to respond to the negative and most unhelpful comments.
I brought the group up to date with my son Michaels' release from the Academy and immediate entry in to PHP Gateway, and my other son David's release from this same Gateway program, and his upcoming school plans.
Much of today's focus was on a mom and her daughter, who I shall dub Candy and Tori Spelling for anonymity and simplicity purposes only (there is no resemblance whatsoever - its' just a famous mom and daughter combo)!
Candy and her husband Aaron are once again dealing with Tori's drug use. Tori has been in and out of 2 rehab programs, always doing well initially, but too quickly falling back into using.
Tori just graduated from high school, which was a big accomplishment due to this up and down school year, and all the celebrations that Candy and Aaron were so anxious to participate in was clouded over by Tori's most recent drug use, hence, non compliance with her home contract. Candy and Aaron are NOT enablers; even though it pained them, they showed Tori the door, and changed the locks. Tori is now couch surfing and partying, but her money is running low. Everyone is worried and sad, especially because a big family trip is to take place soon. Should Tori be allowed to come? What if she doesn't show up? What if she comes and ruins everyone's time? What if she goes through withdrawal while everyone is sitting in the sun, relaxing? What if she tries to bring drugs and gets screened at the airport? These and other questions were discussed by the group, facilitated thoughtfully by Lloyd.
It was time for a role-play.
Candy agreed that she and Aaron really want their daughter to join them on vacation -hopefully they would bond over the week and have some much needed fun together, which in turn would help them set the stage for serious discussion about the future when they got home...Lloyd suggested a contract of expected behavior on the trip. If Tori really wants to go, she will take the contract to heart, and try to comply. If she fears she cannot live up to the expectations, she will screen herself out, but not before her parents express their sincere desire for her to be with them:
Candy: (showing up unexpectedly at Tori's workplace) Hi, honey, how are things going?
Tori: what do you care - why are you here?
Candy: Well, I just wanted to stop by (the goal is to be brief and business-like) to remind you that our trip is in 2 weeks; we know there are family issues (talking in generalities so Tori doesn't get defensive and rage at her mother) and it's been tough lately. NEVERTHELESS, we wanted you to know that Dad and I love you very much, and we really want you to come with us on vacation.
Tori: I don't believe you - you are just trying to control me again like you always do.
Candy: Tori, you're right, I am controlling about certain things. (STOP TALKING! LET TORI MAKE THE NEXT MOVE!)
Tori: well, are you going to be psycho-mom and follow me around?
Candy: (LAUGH! ADD HUMOR!) You are so right about that! I do act like "psycho-mom" sometimes! The best part about that though, is I will be psycho-mom in a bathing suit on a beach at the ocean!!
Tori: You are so not funny. I can't stand all your rules. I suppose you are going to have a curfew for me there too!
Candy: You are right again - (pulls out a very simple, brief and to the point contract of expectations while on vacation) Dad and I wanted you to have a copy of our family vacation rules, so there would be no misunderstanding of what we expect; remember, we will be in a foreign country with another family!
Tori: (glancing at the contract) this totally sucks! I'm 18 now, I can drink legally there - are you going to try and stop me?
Candy: Tori, Dad and I are going to trust you on this one (Throwing Tori a huge curveball - telling her they will trust her to follow the rules!). As I said, we really want you to come - we just wanted to let you know what the rules will be. If you are coming, and we hope you do, please be home to pack and do laundry no later than Thursday - we don't want to miss that plane!
STOP TALKING AND LEAVE - Tori needs to sit with this surprising turn of events that caught her off guard. Candy and Aaron have accomplished many things in this conversation.
They have agreed with Tori almost every time she speaks.
They have expressed their love for her and expressed an honest desire to reconnect and have some family fun.
They also told her in as few words as possible, that if she comes she must follow rules of no drugs, alcohol and respect curfew and family time.
Tori will have to think twice before responding. Assuming Tori does desire to go on this trip and reconnect with her family, she has been made aware, in writing, of expectations. No one discussed what will happen if she doesn't comply - Candy and Aaron will want time to explore their options, and shouldn't give an answer to "what if I don't..".
If Tori passes on this trip, it will be painful, but no one is telling Tori she shouldn't come; Tori is taking herself out of the vacation.
If Tori opts out, we suggested to Candy that perhaps she could find a trusted friend of Tori's with whom she can exchange texts or calls just to check in - Candy and Aaron deserve to relax on this trip!!
Our sincere thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. Outreach Teen & Family Services is a community resource for young people and their families, fostering emotionally healthy teens by providing counseling and educational programs in a welcoming and supportive environment.
The next meeting is scheduled for Saturday July 3rd 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.
Please check the blog for updates.
Letter to the Judge by a concerned PSST parent.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, June 19, 2010
At our meeting in Mt. Lebanon today one of our parents offered to share this letter that she gave to the Judge at her son's hearing. Her son continues in inpatient treatment for mental health/ drug abuse treatment. This is a reacurring theme at PSST: the system works best when parents stand up and advocate for the services that their teenagers need.
March 1, 2010
William is my only son, and it goes without saying that I love him and only want what is best for him. Over the past few weeks and months, his irrational behavior has escalated to the point where I have feared for his own safety as well as my own and others. His father expressed a concern to “keep an eye on William because I am afraid he is going to hurt himself”.
I face daily constant defiance; lack of respect, abusive language and at times an uncontrollable anger and rage that usually culminates in some form of physical destruction to my home. Any attempt to reprimand his actions or control him only escalates his anger to sometimes-frightening proportions.
Within the past month I have had the opportunity to consult with many behavioral authorities in various professions. Their opinions of his mental and emotional instabilities have reinforced my own feelings that William is in extreme need of professional mental health care, such as he would receive in a therapeutic residential facility.
I would only be comfortable bringing him home after his mental health issues are addressed.
Editors note: read an earlier posted letter to the Judge that a PSST parent read at her son's hearing: Your Honor, today I speak as a concerned and loving parent...
Let’s Do the Twist – A Summary of the June 12 PSST Meeting.
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, June 18, 2010
Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 10 parents representing 8 families. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some new parents again.
Each of us had an opportunity to talk over our own situation and issues. We discussed teens that twist things around on their parents, teens that may be “experimenting” with drugs, spouses that obstruct our efforts to get help for our teens, teens that turn to alcohol, teens that are about to go into an inpatient recovery program and teens that are about to come home from an inpatient recovery program. We also went over some ways that we can get our point through to our teen without prolonged discussions, outbursts or arguments.
We would like to recognize a very special grandmother who joined us. She has dedicated her life to intervening for her children and grandchildren. She has certainly dealt with all of the above issues and more. Now she is dealing with recently telling her granddaughter that it would be best if she didn’t return home following her inpatient recovery program. This grandma is wise enough to know that there will be too many familiar triggers for her granddaughter to relapse at home. Her strength and dedication to her family is a tremendous inspiration to us all at PSST. Thank you for coming back and sharing with us. It was good to see you again.
Following is a synopsis of our three role plays. Please note that these are not supposed to be actual transcripts. But if I missed some part or idea please feel free to add a comment below.
Our first role play gave us a new twist on how to deal with our teen when we have a less than cooperative spouse.
If your spouse is not cooperating or is part of the problem; here is a way to handle the situation.
First, have a talk with your spouse when your teen is not there. Explain how you intend to handle the situation. This gives your spouse a chance to get on board. If the spouse still disagrees with what you say or does not want to cooperate; Try the following:
In this role play, the mom is the Concerned Parent, the dad is Mr. Uncooperative and the teen is named Jonnie.
Mom: (Looks directly at the teen. Even though Mr. Uncooperative is standing right at the teen’s side do not even look at him. Focus on the child.) “Jonnie, let’s keep this short. I know that you don’t like long lectures.”
Jonnie: “You got that right! All you ever do is blah, blah, blah, blah…”
Mom: “You know something, you’re right. Sometimes I do go on too long. So I will keep it short. You have missed two days of school. You WILL get up on time tomorrow. The alarm is set for 7:30 a.m. If you are not up by 7:40 I am going to pour cold water on your head to get you up for school.”
Dad: (laughs and mocks mom) “You can really act crazy sometimes dear!”
Mom: (Do not even acknowledge Mr. U. Keep your cool and do not break eye contact with your teen.)
Jonnie: “Dad is right, you ARE crazy mom. We are doing jack shyt at school now because it is the end of the year.”
Mom: (Stay focused, lean a little closer to your teen and say in a calm, firm voice.) “Regardless Jonnie, you need to be up at 7:40 a. m. to catch the bus on time. If you are not up and out of bed by 7:40 I am pouring cold water on your head.”
Dad: “Let the kid alone. No wonder he is so nervous. You make everybody nervous with all your dumb rules. Everybody skips out on a few days at the end of the year.”
Jonnie: You’re nuts. I will call Youth Services on you. I’ll have them arrest your a$.
Mom: (keeping eye contact with Jonnie only) “Never the less, you have been warned about tomorrow. (Still focusing on her teen) Your father is wrong. You will get up on time and you will go to school tomorrow. This discussion is over. Do you have any questions before I go?”
Jonnie: “Sh-y-t no.”
Mom: “Okay Jonnie, thanks for listening (Be the first to walk away).”
Mom: (calmly and directly) “Pebbles I can’t find my widget. Do you know where it is?”
Pebbles: “Sure always blame me first! Did you even ask Jonnie? Why would I even want your stupid widget?”
Mom: (lean towards your teen) “Listen Honey, I don’t want to waste a lot of your time. I know you are angry because we won’t let you go to Wilma’s party. Just tell me where my widget is so we can get this over with.”
Pebbles: “Well it IS really stupid that I can’t go to Wilma’s party. What’s your problem anyway? She has been clean for almost a month. Her mom said it is okay.”
Mom: (do not take the bait) “We already discussed the party thing, Pebbles, that subject is closed. Now get me my widget so we can both get back to what we were doing.”
Pebbles: “Even if I knew where your stupid widget was I wouldn’t tell you.”
Mom: (stay calm and lean in a little more) “Well let me make this clear. I need my widget and I need it NOW. Either I get my widget or (insert an appropriate consequence here that you know you can go through with).”
The important theme here is to calmly stick to your point, clearly state what you want. If your teen will not cooperate spell out a consequence, stick to your word and end the conversation quickly.
We discussed how some of us will sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that we can magically convince our teen to see our side if we just talk long enough. In reality after a few minutes our teens are in “Charlie Brown Land” and all they hear from us is “Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla…”
Counselor: So how are things going this week? (Wilma studies her nails)
Mom: “Pretty well mostly. Wilma does not like going to her meetings but she made one. She is still not doing all that well at school. I arranged for her to be tutored after school but she has been skipping it a lot.”
Counselor: “How are things going at home?”
Wilma: (Wilma does a big eye roll) “Same as always. Things will never change because she won’t change. I work my a$$ off in my program and all she does is b--ch at me. She has no idea how hard it is. She will never change.”
Mom: “Well Wilma has a hard time getting up on time for the bus in the morning and I usually need to ride her to school late. I don’t think she even considers that it makes me late for work. And it’s mostly because she is on her cell phone until 1:00 o’clock in the morning. I keep telling her to get off the phone and shut off her music and get some sleep but I might as well bang my head on the wall. Also, I have asked her to stop hanging around with her friend Pebbles. I don’t think Pebbles is a good influence…”
Counselor: (Looking away from Mom) “What do you think Wilma. Are you having trouble getting up.”
Wilma: “Well, yeah! Her and Dad drive me crazy. They like have all of these lame rules and they are like always yelling at me. They call me a stupid addict. They are, you know, like the main reason that I feel like using. They drive me f---ing crazy. They will never get it. I hang out with Pebbles ‘cause like she is like the only one who understands me. We really need each other to talk to ‘cause like her Mom is like psycho too. So I am on the phone trying to calm her down and this b—ch is like in my face screaming at me to get off the phone, and like Pebbles is talking about running away or something. It is always the same bullsh-t with those two.”
Counselor: “Wow, it sounds like you had a really rough week.”
This is where we as parents usually want to blow up on the counselor and our teen and twist both of their necks. But this is where it is time for Mom to do the TWIST!
Mom: “You know something honey you really do have it rough. It is true that sometimes with my job and taking care of your brother and sister and everything else I forget to tell you how much I appreciate your situation. And I am going to try to change. I am going to pay closer attention to what you are doing and who you are hanging around with.”
Wilma: “Yeah sure we’ll be like best friends, huh? You’ll just keep yelling at me like the crazy b—ch that you are.”
Mom: (leaning closer to her teen) “No honey. I don’t want to be your best friend. I want to be your mom. And you are right, I do need to change. I really need to stop worrying so much about hurting your feelings and work more on stopping you from hurting yourself. I think that we can start by taking away your cell phone. And then Dad and I will need to come up with a good set of rules in our house. Thanks for helping me see what a b—ch I have been. But you know honey (lean in a little closer) I will try my best not to raise my voice any more. But I will continue to be a crazy b—ch if that is what it takes to keep you clean.”
Sally and I have found that the more we practice role-plays the better we are at thinking on our feet when confronted by our teen. When we both react quickly and consistently we keep the power.
Remember our two favorite words NEVERTHELESS and REGARDLESS. Try to get BUT totally out of your vocabulary. Or as one of my favorite people loves to always remind me “Everything you say after the word BUT is BS.”We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, June 19 at the PSST meeting at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (There is free parking in the back lot).
