My insightful African American / American Indian grandmother died when I was 12-years-old. I learned from her uncanny wisdom based on her Indian beliefs. A couple of sayings she taught me while I was a little girl were “Pretty is - as pretty does,” and “If you cannot say anything nice about someone, please don’t say anything at all”.
On the recent home pass three weeks before Lenny returns home permanently, we both were “ugly is – as ugly does.” In fact, I do not have anything substantially nice to write (or say) about the recent home pass, except that he was sober with the family. That should have been enough, but I expected more cooperation from Lenny.
I will not share the unsuccessful end of the home pass here, but related it to Lenny’s counselor. The counselor said if the information was known when Lenny was returned back to the halfway house, Lenny would not have been promoted to a higher level. I take full responsibility for setting the tone for the whole pass by starting it off with ridiculous car behavior demands. As to the ugly details that I chose not to share, I will discuss it at my PSST home group on Saturday morning, February 16th, at the Mt. Lebanon United Methodist church.
“Ugly is – as ugly does” began after Lenny positioned himself in my car’s reclining position while picking him up for Sunday’s pass. The following statements from Roxie were:
1. Get the car seat out of the recline position.
2. Do not change the radio to 96.1, for I want Gospel.
3. Why didn't you wear church clothes today?
4. Turn down the radio so I can listen to the GPS. You know I am scared to get lost.
5. Do not sing while I am driving, for I cannot concentrate on where to go.
Whenever Lenny returns to the halfway house, there is always a mental tape that fast forwards and relaxingly rewinds in my mind. The review of the home pass was pretty ugly! Unfortunately, my knee-jerk reactions ran rampant during our 24-hour pass together. I should have taken positive control as soon as he entered the vehicle. Instead, I began Sunday off on the wrong foot. With hindsight being 20/20, the following positive "pretty is – as pretty does" scenarios could have been created by Roxie thinking first.
1. I need the car seat up please.
2. I will listen to Gospel this morning while you listen to rap this afternoon.
3. It is acceptable to wear regular clothes on Sunday, but I would like you to wear the church clothes that I bought next time.
4. Turn the radio down so I can hear the GPS voice without my phobia of getting lost kicking into overdrive.
5. Do not sing in the car while I am driving this morning.
It takes Lenny, Roxie, dad and twin sister to make or break the pass! Nevertheless, I am 35 years older than Lenny, so I need to try a little harder since I am the older adult, and spend most of the time with him. To be honest, the ages of 14 to 17 were more difficult for us to raise Lenny than my other two children combined. Lenny makes me feel like we are on a drug-induced roller coaster ride, in the dark, with an all-day pass stamped on our left hand. We never saw the roller coaster coming; scooping us in while experiencing the 60 mph loop-de-loop. My grandmother used to pray for generations of descendants before they were born. It was her belief that if she made requests to God decades in advance, He would ensure a blessed life for her future family. A Lakota Sioux Indian saying is, “Force, no matter how concealed, begets resistance.” Even tribal wisdom acknowledges that I cannot compel Lenny to enter a smooth, easy ride in life. The bumpy home passes, though not desired, are ok. The roller coaster lifestyle he has experienced, in the past, will only end permanently when he decides.
I believe my grandmother prophetically knew who was coming down the track in her bloodline, which includes high incidents of alcoholism in American Indians. That is why she saved this roller coaster ride for my adulthood with Lenny, while she and I only rode the merry-go-round at Kennywood Park when I was a little girl.
The next time that I have a home pass that begins wrong from the onset, I will take the high road and turn it around. I possess the ability to change the direction of an otherwise downward spiraling, out of control situation with my fragile, recovering 17-year-old, Lenny.
Roxie
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing this Roxie. It takes two to tango and yet, Lenny is primarily responsible for making the home pass a success. You can help him and you are helping; the rest is up to him.
I love the "Force, no matter how concealed, begets resistance." It makes you think, doesn't it?
Good story Roxie! I too have had to look in the mirror & realize I was the one with the problem.....mine in dealing with our dual disorder child's 11 different placements.
It wasn't easy to accept the fact that our son was FINE with all the in-patient moves. I was just so tired of hauling his belongings to a different facility every few weeks & learning new rules, visiting times & counselors.
We learn best by the mistakes we make. You are doing a good job keeping Lenny and yourself responsible in all areas.
Hang on, the roller coaster has not come to a complete stop yet!
Cheryl, Jim & Andy
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