Sometimes I think we adults are pretty oppositional. We can't seem to allow that our teenagers might be right about anything, at least not at the point where we are feeling defensive. However, one of the keys to setting up a good working relationship with your teenager is to agree with him often. Even when you really don't agree with the meat of what he is saying, you can always agree with the potatoes or the greens.
Why is it important to agree with each other? Agreements are the thread that ties us together. It is not our disagreements that bond, it is our agreements. Without that bonding, the disagreements could tear us apart.
In addition, your teen expects an argument. When he finds instead that you agree with something, with anything that he says, he is disarmed. Think of it as priming the pump, setting the table, or oiling the squeeky door. Think of it anyway that you like, but think of it often and use it!
Another way to look at it: Is the glass half full or glass half empty? We disagree with something that our teenager said, e.g., "I don't think I can make it back by curfew tonight Mom!" Immediately, we disagree and we want to argue that "you better get back by curfew tonight or else you're not going and if you go and don't get back in time, then you're grounded buddy!"
Ironically, we might have also been concerned that he would not have made it back on time. If he has had trouble making it back on time recently, then that alone could have made it easy to agree that this might be a problem; however, we choose to argue. If that is the half empty glass where is the half full one?
Son: I don't think I can make it back by curfew tonight Mom.
Mom: I was thinking the same thing. [this is "joining phrase" that implies agreement. We are agreeing that we are thinking the same thing.]
Son: You were?
Mom: Well, you have trouble with the curfew recently, you don't agree with the curfew, and tonight your plans sound a bit complicated.
Son: Yeah, and you know, I don't feel like getting grounded when it's not really my fault- and I'm being honest about it, you know?
Mom: I just think it's good that you are thinking ahead.
Son: Right. You aren't going to give me a later curfew even though I'm being honest. You just don't care. You got that brainwashing thing going on where you went to a few classes and now you think you know everything. What I think doesn't matter to you anymore.
Mom: I'm glad you brought this up. [A standard good thing to say- we can always agree that it was a good thing to bring up.]
Mom: But I agree with you that I'm not going to give you a later curfew. I mean, you know me very well, and I guess you can predict pretty easy what I am and what I'm not going to do. You're smart like that or else I'm just easy to figure out.
Son: What are you talking about I agree with you? We don't agree on this at all!
Mom: That's true- we disagree about the curfew. But we agree that with what all your trying to do tonight you won't make it back on time.
Son: Right.
Mom: Yes, I think that shows maturity on your part, you know, to even bring it up.
Son: So, you don't care if I stay out later?
Mom: Oh yes, I care- I'm just still glad that you brought it up.
Son: Can I stay out later?
Mom: No.
Son: Why not? Just give me one good reason?
Mom: You don't think there is one good reason for me not to let you stay out later.
Son: No I don't [glaring.]
Mom: I admit I don't have one good reason that will convince you.
Son: SEE!
Mom: Nevertheless, I am really not comfortable with you going out at all tonight- I agree with you- you won't make it back in on time- just stay home.
Son: I thought you said it was good to bring it up!
Mom: It was.
Son: But I got screwed.
Mom: In a way, yes, you did.
Son [glares ]
Son: OK, I'll make it back tonight on time.
Mom: That would please me but how can you be so sure?
Son: I'm not going to go with Todd. I'm going to go with Gina. She has to be back the same time I do so if I go with her I know I'll make it.
Read more about this parenting technique in an earlier post from November of last year: "I Agree"
Also, we have posted about the power of agreeing, twisting the agreement, and falling back on "nevertheless" and "regardless" in this post: "Gimme three steps, won't you gimme three steps, gimme three steps towards the door..."
Note: Some of our teens are Oppositional Defiant perhaps.
Are we as oppositional as our teenagers seem to be?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, April 11, 2010
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2 comments:
You're Right Lloyd!
These two words, “You’re Right”, have stopped our teen in his tracks several times and achieved that hoped for "HUH?" factor. This unexpected answer stops the argument just long enough for you to regain control of the discussion and take it in a better direction. Like any tool in your toolbox you need to practice it ahead of time. Role play with your spouse or your teen’s PO or with yourself in a mirror. Second (this is a tough part) stay calm. Third, end the conversation as quick as possible.
One of my key role models on keeping my cool was my high school Geometry teacher. Bother Robert Wise kept total control of us students by never threatening or losing his temper. Whenever confronted by a defiant teen (this was geometry class after all) he would calmly fold his hands, purposefully put a smile on his face and talk in an exaggerated calm but firm voice. When he was done with his explanation if the teen was still not responding in the correct manner he would provide them with an appropriate consequence in the same calm style. Then he would quickly end the conversation and get back to his class. At this point the defiant teen would usually be left wondering what just happened and sit with that “HUH?” look on his face for a while. There was never a shouting match and it was over quickly. If things work out well enough, and your teen gets the point that you have made, don’t forget to THANK them. This will also catch them off guard.
Like other tools we pick up at PSST meetings I have used this one at work on co-workers and on my boss.
Thanks Lloyd
I have learned (from Max and Lloyd) that there are two words / phrases that are extremely powerful (1) "you're right" and (2)"nevertheless". When used sequentially (in that order), they have power beyond the sum of their parts.
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