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Worst Mother Ever Syndrome
Posted by:Brigitte--Wednesday, June 05, 2013


I, Jessica Rabbit, recently declared myself a bad mother. I am struggling with trying to shake this self-imposed title that for the most part is seen as irrational by the majority, including my husband and the four Rabbit children. I have five children, so one of them does agree that I am indeed a bad mother to him. It is because of this one person, my son Herman that I am writing this.

I do not want to share this with him; I am writing this as a means for therapeutic catharsis, hoping that by putting my thoughts in written form, I could gain more insight into myself. Even though Herman is the second child of five, Herman’s addiction made him the child that I fought for the hardest, walked on egg shells for , cheered enthusiastically for behaviors that were simply expected by the other children, lost sleep over, cried the most for, ruminated on , and almost lost myself over. I was also the one who called the police on him and according to Herman “lied and got him locked up with horrible people”. I do not regret the latter. I remind myself constantly, that I have four other wonderful, talented, honorable and accountable children. Somehow their love, respect, and accomplishments cannot fill this gaping void of pain in my heart right now. This is just one more thing that also fills me with guilt. I had such a hard time letting Herman go, although in theory I knew it was the right thing to do. I am now holding him accountable, which also includes knowing that I cannot have a relationship with him until he embraces recovery. The fact that my own son, heart of my heart, is toxic to me and my family is very painful. His addiction, which brings out his disrespect and belligerence, is something from which we needed to separate ourselves. I remember once when Herman was sick as a child, we isolated him from the rest of the children, so they would not become infected. I still stayed with him, and braved getting ill, because I was his mom. However, I became ill with the same virus, and passed it on to several other family members. In a lot of ways, the same thing is happening now. Herman is sick, and poses danger to our family. I can no longer stay with him until he gets “better”, or risk infecting the family. The rest of my family is thriving in the new calm that Herman’s absence is providing. I was told by them that it now finally feels like a real home. For me, I feel horribly that someone is missing, although I am grateful for the calm. So there will be no more Sundays afternoons spent with Herman, for the sanity and safety of my family. 

My son Herman is an addict, although if you ask him, he will tell you differently. For those of you that have addiction in the family, you are aware of the chaos it provides. Loving and mothering an addicted child is so much more than just chaos. As mothers, our bond and love for each of our children is not measurable. In my case, I loved Herman so much that he actually had me convinced at one point that down was really up, black was really white, stop was really go… I got so caught up in the insanity, that I was compromising my true convictions, and feeling guilty and horrible about myself in the process. My initial plan was to fade quietly into the proverbial woodwork of PSST, because I felt that I was not the sort of messenger the dedicated parents from PSST needed. Adding insult to injury, Roger and I received the 2012 Parent of the Year award. The beautiful plaque that the courts gave us said we worked hard to save our son, but was also a stark reminder of our hypocrisy, because we recently gave up and quit on our son. I grimaced in embarrassment when I thought of our speech that night, proudly smiling for photos with all the juvenile justice system. What would they think of us now? 

For unexplained reasons, I felt compelled to let the group know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth (so help me Lloyd). I tested the waters by sending out an update during the last virtual meeting. I typed out the words” Roger and I told our son we could no longer have a relationship with him until he embraces recovery”. I was certainly not fishing for any compliments, and I had immediate email sender’s regret the second I clicked on send. I felt like I had quit and given up on our son. Our last interaction was a huge disaster, and could definitely go down in the PSST record books as script for best role play of what not to do. I did not remember hearing or meeting anyone in PSST who ever did that to their child. I do not remember ending the relationship ever even being considered as an option. After all, we had spent so much time together in family therapy at Herman’s many placements, practiced the tried and true skills of PSST, and now we chose to no longer have contact with each other. How could this happen? We all know the answer, addiction. 

In our neighborhood, we were the shining examples of good parenting. Herman left our house handcuffed in the back seat of a police cruiser in early August 2010. A mere 17 months of placements and many PSST meetings later, Herman was transformed into the all American boy next door. People no longer recognized him, and several that did actually shook my hand, complimenting me on a job well done. The community was actually thanking me! It was a true Cinderella story, a miracle. Maybe Herman could be one of those miracles that we all applaud. However, slowly my miracle was falling apart. Herman was using again, and we stood by our word as per our contract, that after three strikes, he was out of our house for good. On January 4, 2013, eight days shy of one year that he came home, Herman moved out. Several months later, the neighbors who once complimented me were now showing concern .Through some portal, they were able to find out what I already knew,that Herman was no longer looking or acting the same. They wanted to give me a “heads up” because they were confident that I could steer Herman straight again, Roger and I just needed to re-do the magic. My initial magic was Lloyd Woodward, Kathy Tagmyer, PSST and the legal system. However we had exhausted all of the good /magic that could have ever been gotten from our dream team. Roger and I actually asked that Herman be taken off of probation in March of 2012. It was definitely the right thing to do, because we were at the point of diminishing return with Probation and placements. Roger and I felt we could and should handle this as his parents. 

So what did I do or not do that caused me to feel like I was a bad mother? I will tell you it was not from the many placements and stays at Shuman. From 1/4/2013 to 4/21/2013 I let Herman show up hung over, reeking of drinking the night before, or high and smelling like weed into my home. In retrospect he was very disrespectful in many ways to both Roger and me. The other four siblings would hide in their rooms whenever he visited. Somehow I had developed a different set of standards for Herman than the other four Rabbits. Initially I was grateful that Herman was just smoking weed and not spice or thankfully to our knowledge, not using heroin. He was only expected to pay his bills, stay out of the legal system and stay alive. This was very different from the bar we had set for the other four rabbits. I was just happy to have a relationship, and let Herman be Herman. I foolishly believed that since he was no longer living in our home, I could roll with things when it came to Herman’s drug use. He was my son, my flesh and blood. A mother’s love is not measurable. I could not imagine ever not having a relationship with him, no matter the cost. I was willingly chugging the Herman Kool Aid.

I suspected Herman was abusing amphetamines, namely Adderall or “college crack” .I told him my concerns about the amphetamines, and was relieved when he told me he was just drinking and smoking weed. Things were now getting pretty bad, for I was now endorsing his drug use, a line I thought I could never cross. Meanwhile the other four were expected to not use drugs or drink alcohol, until they were legally able to drink, get good grades, excel and be honorable and accountable. Clearly I was setting a double standard. I chose to be blind to injustice, as well as to the degree of damage that the Herman chaos I was permitting was causing my other children. If you look to the right column on the blog, you will see the heart felt and powerful post written by my 17 year old daughter Kitt, titled “My God Darn Screw up Brother”. She wrote it for a school English paper, and received an A. My other daughter, Kitt’s twin sister Katt, informed me of how much time I spent helping and talking about Herman, to the point that she was very angry and sick of it, she said that she felt invisible My oldest, Zeke, who is Herman’s older brother by 14 months said that he was glad to have some respite and live at college because of the chaos. Zeke’s has many academic achievements, including consistently making the dean’s list. My youngest son Zach said he did not care, and had nothing to say. However I believe that the ones who say the least have the most to say. 

Then there is Herman, the reason I am even aware of this blog. He showed up to our home still celebrating 4/20 on Sunday 4/21. Roger was working on some administrative work related things, and the other siblings were hiding in their rooms, which was the norm. I should add that I pretended to not find it strange that everyone hid when Herman came, leaving me to chatter away with mindless conversation, while washing his laundry, and clearing out my pantry of food to give him. I was saving him at least 25 dollars per week in laundry, plus saving him food expense. He now had a bigger weed/alcohol budget thanks to me. Still my head was in the sand, a fact I knew. I just loved him so much that I wanted to believe him and his delusion of doing well. The blatancy of Herman’s drug use, compounded with his diatribe of how I “wronged him by placements”, hit me squarely in the eyes that day, I cannot accurately describe the events that led up to the interactions, but succinctly said, I had it. I believe it was ultimately his disrespect of his father that finally got to me. 

Roger and I both sent Herman letters to clarify our positions. I apologized for my name calling, and explained the stance we are taking. I told him that I made a huge mistake in thinking I could roll with his drug and alcohol use. The words “hear us now, believe us later, your drug use has cost you your family, but will prove to be more costly in the future”, were emphasized. Herman blames us for his drug use, and says he is using less with us out of the picture. Herman refuses to interact with me, saying I am one of his people, places and things. I guess I am, if Herman is trying to feel justified in using. In my heart of hearts I see no other way of handling this. I did everything imaginable to get him the best help and support. I did the responsible thing as a parent. There is no way that I can endorse Herman’s criminal behavior any more. We needed to protect ourselves and our family from Herman. Things were becoming progressively more chaotic and dangerous. Sadly, this was our only option. Herman told his father that this break was for the best, and that I needed to let go. So now I have Herman’s permission to let him go. Would more did I need? There is a saying “Let go, or be dragged”. I think I sometimes chose to be dragged. However I know that is not rational thinking, so I am letting go. I think it is a process that includes mourning. It has been almost 2 months since I have seen or heard from Herman, and I feel myself getting stronger. I think most rehabs say it takes 30 days to detox, I am feeling a tiny bit better about our decision. 

Roger, Herman’s father, has a very different view of the situation and what we are dealing with, as well as what it did to the family. He states “As per the contract, Herman must be on his own and must now face the consequences of the real world. The dialog became abusive, disrespectful and he was still using. We needed to protect our family. We still love him, and will be there for Herman whenever he embraces recovery”. 

So there you have it, the Rabbit family statement on the record. There is one last thing that I would like to share in closing, never forget the power of one kind word. Personally speaking, the comments and support I received when I reached out really helped to uplift me, to the point that I am starting to feel like myself again, and worthy to give out advice . 

6 comments:

Brigitte said...

Jessica,
This is so beautifully written and wrought with so many of the same agonizing feelings Francois and I have right now. We haven't cut off ties yet but should Pierre continue in the same direction, we could be where you and Rober are. Thank you for bravely sharing such a personal account of your family's struggles; I think it will help many people. As we are finding out, addiction and recovery do not follow one path; they diverge, cross, backtrack and continue in different directions. We never know which path our kids will take or where it will lead them in the end.
You're often in my thoughts, but not always for the hardships we share. Sometimes it's just because you make me laugh!!!!
Brigitte

Lloyd Woodward said...

This post is very inspirational. It's another reason that you most certainly deserved that Parent-of-the-year award! You didn't get that award because of Herman. You got it because of you and your husband's tireless work to help your family and to help other parents.

We talk about this in group- that it's really about us more than it is about our children. When our children are doing poorly of course that causes us pain. When they are doing well we are happy but fear that it won't last. It's all as it should be for what parent wouldn't feel those emotions?

We don't expect people to attend PSST for life although it's cute when someone says "We're lifers!" Still, you and Roger continue to lead and through your posting, and (your daughter's posting) and you provide inspiration to all of us.

Thanks very much and do come back whenever because we always love having you. Also, I agree with Bridgette, you ARE funny. For that, along with all the other reasons, we love it when you drop in.

Herman's destiny has yet to be fulfilled. You are stuck in a dark chapter of his life but I think his book is going to have some better chapters ahead!

Anonymous said...

Jessica,
We too had to let our son Norton go. I had to PFA him to get him out of my house to save Ed. Ed had his own work to do to stay clean. It couldn't be done with Norton living at home. He continued to follow the drug path and wander through life. We hear from him when he wants something from us (which isn't very often) He says he is clean now ater 3 years on his own ( we don't know for sure). We know that Ed would not have made it through his teen years and to graduation if Norton had lived with us. Ed saw that we meant bussness and so he walked the thin PSST line. It stopped the chaos and brought a calmer world to our house.

Herman has proved that he needs to figure out life on his own and now you can be there for your other Rabbits.

Something our second daughter ,Trixy, said when asked what it was like to have adopted brothers. She said that she learned tolarance. Even though your other kids have gone through having an addict for a brother they have also learned tolarance. You are great parents and they will be fine because they have experienced something many kids never know. This knowledge will give them an insight into others who are struggeling with life issues. Now, take care of yourselves.

Alice



Jenn said...

It’s so discouraging when our kids seem to want to throw away everything that’s good in their lives. But unless/until they believe that’s true, there’s no way to convince them.

You guys are still Parents Of The Year in my book – you worked so hard & fought so long for Herman – you have been resourceful & creative & determined – you have been an inspiration to the rest of us. You fought for all the treatment & clean time that you could get for him. Unfortunately the sad reality is that none of us can control the outcome, only the input.

Herman is a young adult now, free to make his own choices, no matter how foolish. You have other Rabbits to care for, to love & protect – they have seen the lengths you were willing to go for your wayward child, and how hard you have worked to keep a unified front, but they also see (and respect) where you have set your boundaries.

Warm thoughts & prayers & hugs coming your way,
Jenn

Anonymous said...

Jessica, as heartbreaking as your blog was for me to read, I was chuckling at the picture of Joan Crawford because my daughter Dina has accused me of being like her and has called me Mommy Dearest. I too have been accused of being the main reason for Dina’s drug addiction throughout the years. I know it’s the addiction talking when she is attacking and blaming me for her situation. My response has been to please go to rehab and see a therapist and tell them all about me and the issues you have with me, whatever it takes to get off drugs. Let me share also that as time has passed, Dina has admitted she understands why I could not tolerate her drug use, and why I keep my distance and limit my contact with her.

Jessica & Roger, you are still deserving of your award, regardless of what your son chooses to do with the help and support you gave him. This is not about him staying clean and working a program. Instead it’s about the efforts you put forth save your son from himself, the unconditional love you gave him, the balance you maintained to help him while protecting and parenting your other children as well. It’s about you sharing your story with us – not just a picture of a perfectly running family in the face of addiction – but the strength to get back up and keep trying, with the pressures of having an addicted child. I appreciate you honestly sharing your successes, as well as what didn't work, and your determination to go on. You are still worthy of your award because you are still doing the right thing for Herman even though it's so frightening and painful. You would be doing him a disservice if you didn't do what you are doing – a disservice to him as his parent, as well as to the other 4 rabbits and yourself.

Betty

Jessica said...

Thank you all so very much for your comments, especially the one from Lloyd .It is difficult to describe my motives for this posting, but I believe honesty was the main one. I struggled with the possibility that my words might make some readers feel uncomfortable or perhaps lose hope. This decision was not something that was done in the heat of anger, although the interaction ultimately ended with some very angry words. I think we all (Herman included) knew it was heading in that direction.

All though Herman refused to talk to me, he did convey that he was not comfortable visiting or interacting with us as well. We both clearly have different sets of value systems when it comes to drug use. We are a zero tolerance family. Herman said that he did not feel comfortable in our home, because he felt judged.

Herman is taking ownership for the break, saying it is in everyone's best interest. He said he was not going to change. I think Herman saying the only good thing I ever did for him was give birth, and that I was one of his people, places and things was one last jab to hurt and infuriate me...he succeeded.

Early on, we told Herman that we did not want the "atmosphere of using" to be brought into our home. It was difficult having a relationship with Herman while he was in forced sobriety, it was impossible to have a healthy relationship with Herman actively using.

So maybe one day, Herman will embrace recovery, and we will definitely be there for him.

Until then I am working on filling in this void.

Jessica

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