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Hitting Bottom: A Worthy Goal?
Posted by:Brigitte--Sunday, June 02, 2013




written by Brigitte

The PSST meeting this week was chock full: there were several terrific role-plays and good discussions. As often happens, there was not enough time to cover everyone's issues. There seemed to be a theme among some parents whose kids were no longer on probation and no longer living at home. Many are struggling.

This is the scenario for Francois and I. Pierre has been out of our home since relapse after relapse told us to try something different. After leaving a 1/2way house, he went directly to a 3/4 house. For two months, we all started to breathe a sigh of relief that maybe this time he could do it. He was going to meetings, working, speaking for his NA group and enjoying his family again; and we were enjoying him!

Sadly, I can't say that is the case right now. After leaving the 3/4 house, the past three months have shown a steady decline in his commitment to recovery. He doesn't go to meetings, hasn't held a steady job in three months, and doesn't have a place to stay except for couch surfing with friends. He admits to using but claims it was only 4 or 5 times. Neither Francois or I believe that for a second and his actions confirm our fears. Until last week, he hadn't asked us for anything and we were still able to enjoy his weekly visits.

Last week he asked if we could help him find a place to stay. I told him that our offer of paying rent on a 3/4 house is still valid but obviously he would have to be clean. He didn't like that option. I said if he were clean, he could stay here short-term (a week or two), but only if he would agree to our rules, daily drug tests, and be actively look for a job. He didn't like that option either. Instead, he proposed that we co-sign a lease and pay the first month of rent--then he would take it from there. We told him that wasn't going to work for us; we would wait until he is clean and has a job before we could talk about an apartment. Naturally, he didn't like that option either. 

I reminded him that, for three months, we have been pressing him to get a job and a place to stay; we had warned him that the day would come when he will be stuck. That day is now here and now he has to figure it out. He left angry.

He came by again a few days later and tried to convince me that his girlfriend and her mother needed $50. The request was so ridiculous, it was alarming. Surprisingly, he agreed to a drug test. It was positive as I had anticipated. When I refused his request, I saw the intensity he used to show when he was actively using and out of money. "You know that PSST group you go to?" "Yes." "Is that why you have become such a bitch?" "If by 'being a bitch', you mean not giving you money, I suppose." He got angry and said go to hell, quickly apologized, then left. I went downstairs and found a hole in the wall. Now it was my turn to be angry.

Next day he wanted to come by and I said no. He stopped by anyway. Francois asked him to leave and explained that we are willing to help but only on our terms, not his. He left although he didn't seem angry this time.Ugh. This feels like a terrible waiting game--waiting for him to become uncomfortable enough to want change. Waiting for him to hit bottom, yet hoping his bottom isn't life threatening. Each night I pray he is safe. We throw out offers of help that are contingent upon him being clean but he keeps batting them down. One thing that Lloyd said at the meeting last week really helped: Pierre isn't down all time. I often imagine him lonely, homeless and desperate. The reality is, he is out having a good time and shows us his desperate face when he wants something. Francois and I feel like he will need to fall pretty hard before he will make any positive changes but, boy, it is hard to watch. We continue to reach out to him but his addictive, manipulative behavior is starting to make it hard to maintain a healthy relationship. I keep thinking about how different he seems right now compared to when he first left the 1/2way house and it makes me incredibly sad. However, our home has become peaceful and stable since he left and we have told him we are not willing to let his addiction affect our family like it had in the past.


3 comments:

Jenn said...

Kudos to both of you for standing your ground with Pierre, in spite of how difficult that is. Pierre knows what he wants - he wants you to subsidize his chosen lifestyle - and he can't figure out why his tactics aren't working. He doesn't seem to realize that when he punched your wall, he was just reminding you why you don't want him back in your home while he is still using.

Jessica said...

Brigitte,

I understand and can painfully relate to everything in your post, for Roger and I are living this as well, especially with our recent estrangement from Herman. Roger told me that Herman does not care about us right now, and is most certainly not as affected as me. He is very likely happily living as per his standards (or lack of) surrounded by people who validate his value system . He reiterated basically what Lloyd said. I never really thought of it that way, but it is true...Lloyd said so ;-)

Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post, you helped me tremendously.

Jessica

Anonymous said...

Brigitte,
Just remember that what Pierre is going through is his problem. You have tried to help and he needs to now do it on his own. He thinks that by manipulating you he will get what he wants. But, you are in control and have the power. Ed too has left and like Jessica said we too believe he doesn't think about us like we think, and worry, about him. He wants to live on his own and not with us, his choice. The nice thing is that now we don't have to live in Crazy town anymore. We can leave and as we drive down the road to our house in Normalville we can breath a sigh of relief. Keep breathing your doing great!

Alice








Alice

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