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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Originally Posted -- Thursday, April 12, 2007
Everyday I remember to tell my son how proud of him I am. Whether I say this in person or send him a text message, I do this every single day!! He thanks me and responds with "I am not going to use anything today".
I thank him in return.
It is easy to forget the struggle our kids deal with while in recovery. Recovery from heroin is no simple task. It takes determination and courage to fight this horrible disease. My son has manipulated me in the past- plenty of times. Today, he is working a strong program. So, I thought I would share a simple but powerful exchange of words that my son & I share. It works for US!!!!
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Affirmation
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, November 14, 2012
So, your bike is a bit rusty? You think it also needs repaired? The brakes need tweaked and the derailer needs adjusted? What do you do first?
A generous amount of WD- 40 would be a good start. Even if I did take it into the shop I expect that regular shots of WD 40 would keep it running better.
That's what affirming teenagers is like. WD 40. It's the lubrication that you need.
It might be more than that. Let me reach here for another more dramatic analogy (those of you that attend PSST know that I love analogies). Think of the fish you just caught. For a minute after you catch it, there is nothing wrong with it. It flops around on the ground with all of it's parts working brilliantly. Every muscle still operational. After a bit it slows down, then it starts to die.
If you get to the fish in time and get it back into some water, it's ok. You guessed it: the water is the affirmation that our teenagers need. The fish seems to be in control in the water. Left out on the deck it is out of control and just flops around.
Just like the fish goes for water our teenagers will flop to where they get affirmation. Unfortunately, one of the easiest places to get affirmation is from other troubled youth. Our teens only have to do drugs and alcohol, then they bathe in each other's affirmations.
This is not the whole story and I do not mean to imply that if we give enough water, WD 40 or affirmation that our bike or our fish or our teenagers won't have other issues. Even if I soak my bike in WD 40 it might still need to go into the shop. After I get it out of the shop, however, maybe it will ride better if I spray it regularly. A disclaimer here is that bike chains do much better with bike chain oil then they do with WD 40. WD 40 apparently picks up too much dirt.
Likewise, affirmation works better if you keep four things in mind.
1. Whatever you say make it the truth or at least make it close enough to the truth so that it is believable. When I say believable I mean for both you and for your teenager.
For example, I can say, "You know, you've really surprised me!" Teenagers love to surprise you. They hate to be predictable. I think in a way we are all like that a little bit but teenagers and children relish in the idea that they have in any way at all surprised you. Of course, you can be surprised in a good way or a bad way but often it's seeing the glass as half full or half empty, half fool or half brilliant. Therefore, being surprised can be a strong affirmation but it's not one that we usually associate with affirmation.
Parent: You really surprised me yesterday.
Teen: I did?
Parent: Yeah, you did. You know when Aunt Lois came over with cousin Johnny who everyone knows can be such a terror-and you ask him if he wanted to play your x-box. that was really nice of you.
Teen: Oh, thanks.
I might have an advantage here over most people. First, I'm easily surprised by things.
Secondly, I think it's very difficult to predict with certainty.
On the other hand, some people see the writing on the wall even in situations where it is challenging to predict. They pride themselves on being able to "see that one coming." Still, I wonder if those people don't imagine an event with several different outcomes; that way no matter what happens they can say, "I saw that one coming." Let's remember, that when you care about giving someone affirmation, it's a lot more powerful to say, "I did not see that one coming." It's more fun too. :-)
Another easy affirmation to throw out is "You are really courageous". This has a truthy feel to it probably because even the basest coward is courageous about something. Think of the Cowardly Lion in Wizard of OZ.
Parent: What you did took a lot of guts!
Teen: What do you mean?
Parent: Well, to admit right out loud that you are afraid to try (that thing-fill in the blank) we were talking about. I think that took guts.
Teen: You do?
Parent: Absolutely
A third easy to use affirmation is "You are very loyal." This can even be used when he refused to give up his peer group. Keep in mind, you will still hold your teen accountable for violating his contract, but you can do that and at the same time throw in affirmation.
Parent: I was just thinking, you are really a very loyal person.
Teen: I know.
Parent: Really, I mean you know the deal. You realize that if you keep hanging with those kids that you got high with, that you run the risk of loosing your phone and all that other stuff that you have, but even knowing that, you loyally stay involved with your whole gang.
Teen: Not really. I mean it's not like that, I just ran into some of them.
Parent: Yeah, I know, in our back yard but still I just want you to know that I know it's hard for you to stay away from those guys. They are your friends and friends mean a lot to you.
Teen: Then why are you taking away my phone?
Parent: Right, I would ask the same thing (more affirmation) Well, you see I have to follow our contract. But I just want you to know that I try to understand what it might be like for you. It's gotta be a hard thing to just say to yourself "well my friends will be around later, after I get off probation" and because friends mean so much to you, that's just really hard to do.
Teen: yeah [looking down and depressed over the thought of this]
Parent: I think you'd rather want your friends to know that you haven't given up on them than you would have a phone or computer or anything. That's just stuff. You care more about people than you do stuff.
[Long Pause- Dad allows the silence to settle in; he's not trying to fill up all the space with talk. Dad knows it's OK to be quiet together.]
Teen: Dad?
Parent: yeah?
Teen: I don't want to lose my stuff. Can you give me a chance please? I can stop seeing them, really.
Parent: Well, I don't know, but you know that surprised me. Do you really mean that?
Teen: Yeah I do. I mean I've said it before, but this is different now.
Parent: I think you do mean that a Son, let me talk to your mother about it first.
Teen: After all dad, my friends will still be around later, after I get off probation.
Parent: Do you think?
Teen: Sure, especially if they are really my friends. Right?
Parent: I guess so Son. You know, I wasn't looking at it that way. Good thinking (more affirmation).
Now I know if you are still reading this rather long post, that you are wondering, "Well did you take the phone or not?" Depends. Regardless of what you ended up doing, you have "lubricated the bike" and the theory is that it should run better.
For example, in that case, since the teen seems genuine, you might take off texting but leave him the phone with the warning that next time he will loose it all, or you might take the laptop and leave the x-box for now, like some parents that I work with recently did. One step at a time.
Another easy to use affirmation is "You are a really good guy."
Parent: You know, I was thinking, the way you stood up for that one kid at school that the other kid wanted to bully?"
Teen: Yeah?
Parent: I'm really proud of you.
Teen: Yeah, I hate bullies.
Parent: You got a really good heart; you'd help someone out if they really needed it.
Teen: Depends; but yeah I would.
Parent: I know sometimes that can get you in trouble, like when you were worried about Phil not having a ride home when it was raining, so you stole Uncle Jerry's limo and then you wrecked it and had to go away for five months, but the thing I'm just realizing is- you got into all that trouble just because you were worried about your buddy having a ride home. I mean, I guess looking back it would have been better to have let him get wet, but at the time you really really cared what would happen to your buddy.
Teen: Not really.
Parent: No?
Teen: no, i didn't are if he got wet or not really, i just wasn't thinking. Dad, that was one of the dumbest things I ever did in my life!
Parent: Ah, yes you are right aren't you? (Affirmation).
Teen: Duh!
Parent: Well, i still think you're really loyal. Maybe what I said was a poor example.
Teen: It was a stupid example. You're really weird sometimes Dad!
Parent: Ha ha yes that was stupid now that I think about it (affirmation in a self deprecating way- we agree that he is RIGHT that we are sometimes silly)
Teen: Yeah, but you are right. I'm a good guy- sometimes I'm too much of a good guy.
Parent: Ohhhh
Let's examine one more easy to use affirmation. That was really grown up stuff.
Parent: Johnny, I want to say something to you, is this a good time? (Affirmation via respect. Johnny's time is valuable too)
Teen: Yeah, is it going to take long, cause I got to text my friend in a minute.
Parent: It's a pretty short thing. You know yesterday when we told you that under no circumstances would we be comfortable with you going to an Insane Clown Posse concert, no matter who your went with, well the way you handled that surprised me.
Teen: Why?
Parent: It was real adult stuff. In the past if you had a big disappointment like that you might have flipped s*** and ranted raved and even put holes in the wall, maybe threatened to relapse and warning us that whatever happened it would all be our fault. Anyhow, you didn't do any of that. You just sort of huffed off to your room and slammed the door. And that was fine. I just see you growing up, you know, becoming more and more mature.
Teen. [nothing-another pause]
Parent: Well, that's all I wanted to say, go back to your texting son, thanks for listening. (Thanks is a affirmation)
Teen: Dad?
Parent: Yeah?
Teen: I didn't really expect to be allowed to go.
Parent: You didn't?
Teen: No. I mean I just got out of rehab two weeks ago and it would have been sort of insane to let me go to an ICP concert.
Parent: Oh, yeah but you know we kind of laid it on heavy, like we wouldn't be Ok with that even if you had been out of the rehab a couple of months.
Teen: I know but I figured that out anyhow.
Parent: You did?
Teen: Well ya Dad, I'm not stupid or anything. You went over it in the contract.
Parent: Oh yeah. I guess we did.
Teen: It's OK. I think I was just testing you- seeing if you meant that stuff about protecting me from people from drug stuff.
Parent: Oh. Well, Son you've surprised me again.
Teen: Now what, why?
Parent: That you would admit that you were testing. It just seems like something the old Johnny wouldn't have done, that's all. (affirmation that Johnny is changing. It's something we all usually like to to hear.)
Teen: The old Johnny wouldn't have done that.
Parent: Right.
Teen: Later Dadagaitor.
Parent: After while Teenophile
Teen: Ha good one dad. (this kid is returning affirmation. We give it and if we are lucky we get a little bit back.)
Let's take a look at another favorite affirmation of mine: You are really good at reading me.
Teen: Mom, can I go to the movies with LeRoy.
Mom: No.
Teen: Why not?
Mom: I'm not comfortable with you hanging out with LeRoy. You know that.
Teen: You NEVER let me do anything! I knew you'd say no, I just knew it.
Mom: You are good at reading me.
Teen: [glares]
Mom: Really. Nobody gets me like you do.
2. Which brings us to things to keep in mind #2. Beware the "BUT."
If you affirm someone and then right away you say "BUT" followed by a debate, then you just cancelled out the affirmation. Often this is even done in the same sentence. It's not the word "But" that is so terrible; however, "But" followed by debate is an effective way to reverse the affirmation and open the door for more debating.
Parent: When you told the truth to us yesterday about how you stole Jenny's money and you bought drugs with it it's really good that you were honest with your sister but I don't think you understand how much that hurt her. That was devastating to her and when she got up this morning I could see that she had been crying all night over that.
Teen: Mom, her boyfriend broke up with her, did you know that, huh, did you know that? No, you didn't, so talk what you know!![Said with equal parts hurt and anger.]
In this example, it's not that it was so wrong to point out that Johnny hurt his sister but we can see how the affirmation of honesty got lost in the shuffle? When this happens it can be confusing to us. From our point of view we told him that it was good to be honest, but all he heard was criticism. From our point of view our teenager needs to be a better listener; however, we can see that that "But" and what followed it was much of the problem.
Consider this variation instead:
Parent: When you told the truth to us yesterday about how you stole Jenny's money and you bought drugs with it it's really good that you were honest with your sister.
Teen: Yeah, right. [said with sarcasm.]
Parent: No really, Johnny, I think that took a lot of courage to admit that! Even though I'm sure it hurt your sister to think that you would stoop that low, I know that it also meant a lot to her that you could be honest about it.
Teen: Yeah, but she seemed pretty upset. [doubtful.]
Parent: Oh sure, but that's why it took a lot of courage to be honest. You knew it was going to hurt her but you chose to be honest about it anyway. It's hard to be honest- it's much easier to lie than to tell the truth. I'm just want you to know that I'm proud of you Son.
Teen: Thanks. When she was all crying like that, I wasn't sure if it was cause of what I said or because her boyfriend dumped her.
Parent: He did?
Teen: Yeah he did.
Parent: Oh I did not know that (affirmation again, that Johnny knew something that Mom did not know is wonderful affirmation).
Teen: Yeah, so maybe it was a bad time for me to say all that.
Parent: I'm not sure there's ever a good time to share something hurtful to someone, but hey, you stood up and did the right thing.
Teen: Yeah, I guess so.
3. Which brings us to Things to Keep in Mind #3. Can you over do the affirmation thing?
Is it possible to give too much affirmation so that the affirmation is meaningless?
Yes. Absolutely. "Flattery will get you everywhere" but too much flattery starts to feel phony. The good news is that once you have teenagers involved in drug abuse, it becomes so difficult to affirm anything that they do, that most of you reading this are probably not in any danger of giving too much praise. Nevertheless, if your teenager starts to roll his eyes every time you attempt affirmation, and under his breath you hear him say, "...here we go again," then you might want want to rethink your game plan. Even then, my opinion is that it's better to overdo the affirmation then under do it. Even when kids appear to resent a compliment it can help make a difference.
4. Finally, we come to our last point. It is exactly why some of us have such a hard time with affirmation: What do you do when your teenager uses the affirmation against you in an argument?
Parents fear that giving too much affirmation will embolden the teen the teen to push for more privilege. This may happen; however, once you realize that debate can be avoided, it is not so important that your teenager is emboldened. In fact, when the teen uses the affirmation to attempt to get more privilege or power it shows that the teen has internalized the affirmation. In other words, it shows that the process is working; therefore, it's not just that you know your teen MIGHT use these affirmations in an argument for more privilege, but HOPEFULLY your teen will use these affirmations against you in a bid for more privilege. It certainly means that he hears you. In some cases you might give a bit more privilege and further cement the affirmation and in most cases you probably hold to your boundaries.
Teen: Mom you know how you told me yesterday that it was real "adult stuff" that I told the truth about that missing hundred dollars?
Parent: Yup.
Teen: Well, now that I'm all grown up and now that you trust me a lot more how about letting me take my girlfriend up to my bedroom and close the door for a while so we can have some privacy?
Parent: Wow! Really?
Teen: Yeah! Why you look so surprised? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT said I'm all grown up!
NOTE: There are at least two paths to take here. One is begin to debate that while you said he exhibited some "adult stuff" you did not say that he was "completely all grown up." Taking this approach is a way to do damage control by subtracting some of the great affirmation that you have already given. In fact, on some level the teen is testing his parents and in essence is saying, "Did you really mean all that good stuff you said?" If you choose to subtract, then you are saying that you didn't really mean all that. To your teenager you are a phony and a hypocrite.
The second path is much better. Double down. Instead of subtracting offer additional affirmation. Show your teen that you meant every word. Subtract nothing.
Meanwhile keep that bedroom door open!
Teen: Yeah! Why you look so surprised? YOU'RE THE ONE THAT said I'm all grown up!
Parent: I'm just impressed with the way you just asked for that. Can't I be impressed with you for a minute?
Teen: What you mean?
Parent: The way you presented that was very sophisticated. You used something that I told you yesterday and you actually reminded me of what I said and then you used that to beef up your argument. Very persuasive. Nicely done and point taken!
Teen: Well, can I then?
Parent: No.
Teen: Why not? You're contradicting yourself! Give me one good reason why not!
Parent: Well, I'm definitely NOT COMFORTABLE with that, I'm sorry, and other than that, I'm not sure I really have a good reason, do I?
Teen: {Glares]
Parent: Oh I have my reasons, but you won't think they are good reasons so lets just skip that part.
Teen: No.
Parent: No what?
Teen: I don't want to skip that part.
Parent: Well you won't be impressed is all I'm saying and I do not intend to debate this one with you.
Teen: Try me! [a bit defiantly said]
Parent: Ok, I will. Now, don't interrupt me OK? Usually, I don't like sharing my reasons with you because it seems like I'm trying to debate with you and I don't mean it that way. But, you did present a really well-thought argument and maybe I'll just try and share my thinking with you on this one. OK, no interruptions?
Teen: OK, OK already! [Making a big-eyed face, as if to make fun of what a big deal Mom is making out of all this]
Mom: It's because you ARE growing up and if you put two grown ups, one a man, and one a women, into a room together with a closed door, things can happen.
Teen: I can make my own decisions about that and if it's sex you're worried about, I can do that somewhere else anyway.
Parent: Yes that's right, you can. But I asked you to hear me out and not interrupt, OK?
Teen: OK.
Mom: It looks bad. This is not a place that you shack up with girls. It's disrespectful, it's not right, and even if you were 30 years old, I would not be comfortable with it. OK? Thanks for not interrupting [more affirmation] and by the way I warned you.
Teen: I know, you warned me about making babies right?
Parent: Well yes you know how I feel about me becoming a grandmother too soon, but that's not exactly what I meant.
Teen: What then?
Parent: I warned you that you would not think much of my reasons. I shared them with you only because you seem so grown up lately, that I'm starting to think you deserve to know more- like you can handle it, do you know what I mean?
Teen: I don't think it's disrespectful.
Parent: Fine.
Teen: Fine? That I can take her up into my bedroom?
Parent: No, of course not. It's fine that you don't think much of my reason. You are entitled to your opinion and someday when you are the father in your own house, you can let your teenagers shack up- but it's not going to happen here in our house on my watch. {said slowly, softly, and with strong eye close eye contact.]
Teen: Well, it's not fair, Mom! I think I've earned trust, and even you said I'm growing up.
Parent: You are.
Teen: So?
Parent: Sorry, I'm not comfortable going there. Let's move on shall we?
Teen: No! It's my bed room, I've been doing good and I deserve this. [raising his voice to another level, not yelling yet, but the tone you get right before it actually becomes yelling.]
Parent: Nevertheless, it's not going to happen. [Said, softly choosing the power-word, "never-the-less."]
Teen: I'm not stupid Mom I'm not going to make a baby.
Parent: I'm very glad to hear that. Regardless...[choosing the other power-word, "re-gard-less."]
Teen: [Teen is angry and storms off]
In summary, try to affirm your teen more, yet be honest, don't use "BUT" to kill it, and generally speaking you probably don't have to worry about over-using this technique. When the teen tries to use your praise against you it's actually a good thing and you've already learned how to use power phrases like "Nevertheless" and "Regardless" to avoid debate!
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As we are all worrying and praying for Dylan's safety and Jen
& Brad's peace and comfort during these very, very difficult days I thought
I would share a bright light and hope for the day.
FaceBook post by Andy last evening:
"Eating Chinese with my probation officer. Life is Good!"
Never, ever, ever thought we would witness this :^)
This is the fruits of PSST and an excellent Juvenile Probation Officer.
Come to our next PSST meeting in Wexford on Saturday 11/10/2012.
Trinity Lutheran Church 9 AM - 11:30 AM
Cheryl, Jim and Andy on the blog
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Parents of Teen Drug Addicts and Alcoholics Tell Other Parents What NOT To Do
Borrowed from drugrehabtreatment.com
By the time their children enter treatment for substance abuse, most parents have been through a long nightmare of constant worry and heartache. Other parents may fret about SAT scores and college choices – these parents worry if their children will live to see their sixteenth birthdays.
What went wrong? What do parents regret the most? In long interviews with a dozen or so counselors who work in therapeutic boarding schools and wilderness programs, there were some answers. Although each family’s situation is unique, nevertheless certain themes keep reoccurring.
“I wanted to believe her so much” is a constant theme. Often there is a long history of lying, even about small things. One parent put it this way, “I’d ask, ‘Did you clean your room?’ and she’d lie. ‘Did you do your homework?’ she’d lie. ‘Will there be parents at the party?’ she’d lie. ‘Are you using drugs?’ she’d lie. I’m not a stupid or weak person – I just wanted to believe her.”
“I allowed my teen to manipulate me.” One single mother rued the fact that she had overly adored her son and allowed him to “work her” ever since he was little.
“He knew how to pull my strings,” she said. “When he told me ‘Drug tests would destroy the trust between us,’ I fell for that.”
When parents finally own up to the fact they have been used and manipulated, they usually feel betrayed and angry. At that point, they can begin to work through old negativity and develop honest and open communication with their child.
“I should have set stricter limits.” Parents often regret that they allowed their teens to make too many of their own decisions about issues like marijuana, drinking, and sex. They may not have realized that their child was facing a totally different, more dangerous culture than the one of their own youths. They believed in giving children freedom and choices. Now they wish that they had given their child more direct guidance and specific information about the dangers of drug use. They wish they had set and enforced stricter limits
“We let the problems in our marriage ruin our child’s life.” Parents often feel guilty that they did not understand how deeply their fighting was affecting their child. “We were so preoccupied with our own problems that we neglected his,” is a frequent theme. They often come to realize in therapy that their child was acting up to unite them.
If the couple is divorced, then they often believe their separation caused their child’s problems. “He didn’t have a Dad at his soccer games” or “She did not have Mom to help her get ready for a prom” are the kinds of things they bring up in therapy.
“We spent too little time with our child when she was growing up.” Parents often believe that they contributed to their child’s problems by working too many hours, traveling or volunteering too often. They regret that they kept too busy to pay attention to what was happening to their child, and that they allowed things to reach a crisis level.
“We let our child’s situation become too desperate.” Parents often regret that they didn’t want to “rock the boat.” By not taking control of small problems, they allowed them to grow bigger. Often out of shame and embarrassment, they endured years of one bad event after another before getting help. Their child was in front of criminal courts, expelled from school, involved in car wrecks, ran away for weeks at a time or even dealed in drugs. These parents keep living the nightmare too long before seeking help.
The parents of teen alcoholics and drug users have heartbreaking stories to tell. No parent wants to believe that they raised a drug addict or alcoholic.
Their emotions range from anger and betrayal to sorrow and powerlessness. It is hard to absorb the depth of their pain.
However, their stories are worth repeating here – if just one person reading this article recognizes his own situation and gets help.
PLEASE COME TO OUR NEXT PSST MEETING AND LET'S DISCUSS HOW TO DEAL WITH OUR TEENS.
THERE IS NO COST AND NO OBLIGATION - WE ARE NOT HERE TO JUDGE YOU, WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU.
Thanks to Drug Rehab Treatment Centers - Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation Young Adults - Teen Substance Abuse
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Lloyd passed along the following document of Internet Acronyms that parents should know. These are not the usual LOL or BRB acronyms that most of us are familiar with - personally, I've never heard of most of them before. My personal favorite is KPC - Keeping Parents Clueless. See how many of them YOU know!
Click here for the Top 50 Acronyms document.
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Thanks to Jessica, who sent in the following link. This
article from KDKA Pittsburgh warns about the latest drug-related danger in our
community.
Click here for the article.
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Addiction and "Logic"
Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Addiction and "Logic"
"A person who tries to understand addiction using intellectual logic will become frustrated and feel manipulated by the addict."
"We can sum up emotional logic in the phrase 'I want what I want and I want it now.'"
One of my favorite PSST-isms is "We are good parents; we are not good parents of addicts."
As noted above trying to use our "logic", or "common sense", with our out of control teens can lead to disappointment, frustration, exasperation and anger. It very rarely works. In fact we have come to learn that our teenage addicts are very adept at turning our "logic" or "common sense" around and using it to manipulate us. Below is an interesting explanation of an "addict's logic" vs "our logic".
Emotional Logic
The Addictive Personality - Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken - Hazelden 1988
Addiction starts out as an emotional illusion that is entrenched in the addict before others around the addict or even the addict himself realizes that an addictive relationship has been formed.
The addict starts to build a defense system to protect the addictive belief system against attacks from others, but only after the addiction is well established on an emotional level. On a thinking intellectual level, the addict knows that an object cannot bring emotional fulfillment.
Alcoholics have heard the old saying "You can’t escape into a bottle." Workaholics know "there’s more to life than just work." Addictive spenders understand "money can’t buy happiness."
The illness of addiction begins very deep within a person, and his or her suffering takes place on an emotional level. Intimacy, positive or negative, is an emotional experience that is not logically evaluated. Addiction is an emotional relationship with an object or event, through which addicts try to meet their needs for intimacy.
When looked at in this way, the logic of addiction starts to become clear. When compulsive eaters feel sad, they eat to feel better. When alcoholics start to feel out of control with anger, they have a couple of drinks to get back in control.
Addiction is very logical and follows a logical progression, but this progression is totally based on what I call emotional logic, not intellectual logic.
A person who tries to understand addiction using intellectual logic will become frustrated and feel manipulated by the addict. This is partly why talk therapy (talking one-on-one with only a counselor and without a support group) is so ineffective in convincing addicts to end their destructive, addictive relationships.
We can sum up emotional logic in the phrase "I want what I want and I want it now." Emotional needs often feel very urgent and compulsive. Emotional logic works to satisfy this urgency even if it is not in the best interest of the person.
For example, a compulsive gambler tells himself he is done gambling for the week. Shortly, however, he has a rough day at work and feels uneasy, so he looks over his racing form to try to ease his feelings, still telling himself he won’t gamble anymore this week. While reviewing the racing form, he starts to hear his emotional logic telling him he has found a sure bet. "Why didn’t I see this before?" he says. "It’d be crazy for me to miss this opportunity!" Thus, he becomes pitted against himself ---- one side believing in his "sure thing," the other reminding him of his promise not to gamble for the rest of the week. Inside, the emotional pressure builds. Because addiction involves the deep need to have emotional needs met and emotional pressures relieved, he finally must give in to his urge, especially after he has convinced himself he would be stupid not to grab this opportunity.
Emotional logic pits the addict against himself or herself.
In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a sentence that reads, "Remember that we deal with alcohol ---- cunning, baffling, powerful!"
This is also one of the most truthful ways to describe the emotional logic found in all addictions: ---- cunning, baffling, powerful.
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In early October, our Parents of the Year spoke at the Allegheny County courthouse, where they also received recognition for their award. They did an encore performance at the following week's PSST meeting, but for those of you who missed that, the speech is attached here.
Click here to download the speech.
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The Parents of the Year award will be presented to JESSICA & ROGER on Thursday, October 4 at an awards ceremony beginning at 6:00pm at the Allegheny County Courthouse. In addition, Bam Bam will be there to receive the award for winning the essay contest.
Congratulations to all!!!! Anyone who would like to be there to cheer them on is invited to attend.
There will also be a celebration for Parents of the Year at our next meeting in Wilkinsburg on Saturday, October 6.
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Healing Grief
Posted by:Sally--Monday, October 01, 2012
Someone handed me a small pamphlet called "Healing Grief " by Amy Hillyard Jensen.
I'm in a state of mind that others cannot understand. I probably would have tossed it in the garbage can except the person who gave it to me is a dear friend who recently lost her 32 year old daughter. Maybe, she does know, a little bit, what it feels like to have Cisco snatched up and forever gone from view.
When I was particularly low and did not know what to do to console myself, I read the pamphlet. It contained the basic clinical study of bereavement; Shock and Disbelief, Anger, Guilt, and Sadness and Depression.
Rocco and I are going through all of those emotions, except depression. We are fighting hard to ward that one off. There was one verse that was extraordinarily helpful: "Don't try to get around the grief. Instead, have the courage to go into it. Let your heart break. That will bring healing."
Click hear to read a related post called "Dealing with O.D. and Death"
It was thoughtful of Kathie and Lloyd to plan an additional PSST meeting for this month. We sincerely thank them and all of you who showed up (and we understand those who wanted to but couldn't make it on short notice).
It takes a load of courage to face the death of one of our children. It was very helpful to tell our story to you and we had more to tell except that I could not bear the sad looks on your faces as we spoke. It reflected our sadness back at us. I guess I was trying to get around the grief instead of going through it.
For now we will take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one foot in front of the other, knowing that you are all there beside us when we need a helping hand.
Sally
"Get rid of imagined guilt. You did the best you could at the time, all things considered. If you made mistakes, learn to accept that we are all imperfect. Only hindsight is 20-20. If you are convinced that you have real guilt, consider professional or spiritual counseling (with a competent and trustworthy counselor). If you believe in God a pastor can help you believe also in God's forgiveness." - Amy Hillyard Jensen
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Thanks to Wilma, who provided the link to this article, part of a series in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette.
Click here to link to the article called
Heroin's Siren Song: The effects of a child lost to addiction
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'Smiles': The New Killer Drug Every Parent Should Know About
Click here for the online article from Yahoo Shine.
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A NOTE TO PARENTS:
Drug Lingo - Know What to Listen for
Have you ever heard your teen reference the time "4:20?"
Many parents don’t realize that 420 (pronounced "four-twenty") is code for a time to get high.
The reference to 420 presumably dates back to '70s stoner lingo but is still widely recognized by the youth of today. Some people have even designated April 20th as "National Pot Smokers Day."
If you hear your teenager reference 420, see that he is using the term while instant messaging with friends or has a 420 sticker on his car or backpack, call them on it.
When it comes to teens and drugs you will never know everything but you don’t want them to think you are an idiot. You need to keep communication open and be aware of the dangers of the Internet and texting.
Let them know you know what they are talking and texting about and set up a time for a longer conversation about your family’s No Tolerance Policy for drug and alcohol use.
Search for drug street terminology and slang on the internet and do not be shy about checking your teens texts, tweets, Facebook and computer use.
For a start check the following sites:
iMOM.com - A Guide to Teen Drug Slang
webMD.com – Teen Drug Slang: Dictionary for Parents
uatest.com – Drug Slang Terms
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Cisco 1992 - 2012
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, September 06, 2012
We will always have our regrets but we will always thank God for the 20 years we had with our beautiful son Cisco. He fought hard and now he is at peace and in God's hands. Our most sincere thanks for all of our good friends at PSST and their prayers and thoughts and their love.
Sally and Rocco
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my child's life, not just his death, and bask in the comfort of all those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child, for they are hurting too, and perhaps we can help each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt, for deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could of done to save my child from death, I would of done it.
Just for today I will honor my child's memory by doing something with another child because I know that would make my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another bereaved parent for I do know how they feel.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself with others. I am fortunate to be who I am and have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.
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