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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Don't beat yourself up!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, July 08, 2012
This is a message that we have worked on for the last several meetings; especially, at Eastern this last Saturday we put several role-plays together and asked parents to practice "Don't beat yourself up," with "You are tough and I'm sure you'll find a way to work things out."
The ideas behind these two powerful messages are:
1. If you tell someone not to beat themselves up over something it is implied that what they did rose to the level of what one would normally beat oneself up over.
2. It takes the teenager by surprise because his expectation is that as parents we would always want him to beat himself up over screw-ups and, in fact, until he is ready to beat himself up, we'll be happy to do it for him.
3. It appeals to the oppositional defiant nature because of course anything we tell our teens at the point where they fail at something is going to be disregarded. If they disregard us telling them not to beat themselves up then it stands to reason that they would indeed beat themselves up. Sometimes it becomes a game: we try to "save" the teenager by pressuring him to change and he resists by refusing to really change although he teases us by flirting with change.
4. It address the reality that in most situations with teenagers who are in trouble with drugs and with criminal behaviors, it will be the natural or even imposed consequences that they learn from, not our lecture or our verbal attack. In fact, our lecture or verbal attack can if anything interfere with the life-lesson and build resentment in our teenager.
5. Of course, at the point of failure our teen may be asking parents to bail them out of something or other. Hence, our second message, "you are a tough strong capable human being and you'll find a way to get through this." In this way, we might say "don't beat yourself up" but we are not taking any enabling actions that the teenager may ask for that rescues them from their situation.
Let's see how this might play out in a role-play:
Mom: [visiting daughter at Shuman] Hi honey, how are you?
Teen: Oh you know, this place sucks so bad! Do you see that staff over there? She told me that she knows I'm just a rich preppy from the South Hills and she can't stand spoiled brats like me! Do you think staff have any business saying stuff like that and in front of the other girls???
Mom: That sounds like an awkward situation!
Teen: Well duh! What am I supposed to say to that?
Mom: I don't know. I don't even know what to say about that one.
Teen: What do you mean you don't know what to say?
Mom: Well I've never been up here and I don't know what that's like.
Teen: Have you made those phone calls I told you to make?
Mom: Oh to your PO and to the Judge?
Teen: Yes!
Mom: Well yes I called your PO and he said it's "going to take some time."
Teen: Mom! Do you know how long I've been up here?
Mom: Way longer than we thought you'd be up here!
Teen: That's right! Hey, if they can't find a place for me then I guess I need to come home.
Mom: Boy, that would be nice. I wish it was that easy!
Teen: You could get me out of here if you wanted to. Or even just get that staff person we talked about suspended if you wanted to. If you really wanted to you could do a lot of things to help me out, but you don't want to help me out. You don't love me anymore and you're just going to let me stay up here until I rot. Rot, Mom do hear me I'm rotting away up here, are you happy now??
Mom: Yes. I suppose I am. Not very, but yes I'm happy now.
Teen: What! What do you mean you're happy "not very" but you're happy?!?
Mom: You wouldn't understand. Nevermind.
Teen: Mom! I want to know, what the hell do you mean you're happy now?
Mom: Well, I'm happy you're safe from your drug problem for the time being.
Teen: I'm rotting away up here mom didn't you hear anything I said?
Mom: Sure honey, but I think you're a lot tougher than you give yourself credit for. You're a survivor honey and you'll figure out how to get by up here, I really believe you are a very strong person.
Teen: [glaring]
Mom: For example, you are so much better at handling all this than I would be. I'd be completely a basket case up here I mean not being able to use the phone, not wearing make up, not even wearing my own underwear! I couldn't handle it. But you're not like me. You're a lot tougher than I ever was and I believe in you. I really do.
Teen: None of my friends could handle being up here either!
Mom: I know, that's what I'm saying.
Teen: Still, Mom IF you wanted to you could do SOMETHING!
Mom: Well thanks for saying that.
Teen: Thanks?
Mom: You obviously think I'm a very very powerful woman and you know what, sometimes I am, but I'm just saying that's nice of you to say.
Teen: So?
Mom: So?
Teen: So what are you going to do?
Mom: Oh, well you're right you know about what you said.
Teen:Huh?
Mom: I am happy you are up here. I've been so crazy thinking that this drug problem is going to kill you...
Teen: [rolls her eyes]
Mom: No really, I woke up two nights ago in a cold sweat. I had to tell the undertaker what kind of arrangements I wanted for you and I just couldn't decide anything and he was saying, "the people want to come in and pay their respects, is it the blue room or the gold room..." and I couldn't even decide that. My heart was so broken and I didn't know how the hell I was going to ever bear loosing you to this drug problem- so yeah, you're right, I'm happy your're up here and even if that staff over there is the MOST unprofessional person in the world at least my daughter is alive and I can come to Shuman and play Spades, which by the way, I had no idea was this much fun to play!
Teen: I'm done talking to you. It's like talking to a wall, you know that don't you? Now I have to figure out what to do up here, how to handle these people and how to get accepted into a program somewhere.
Mom: Don't beat yourself up over this.
Teen: What?
Mom: Just don't be too hard on yourself. You made mistakes. You'll learn from them and you'll end up being even stronger, you know, especially if you find a way to get a handle on this drug problem. I just know you can do it. Your not the only kid whose made big mistakes you know.
Teen: Yeah. I guess so [smiles]
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Sally-
We have our ACT 53 hearing with our son next week. We have to tell him later this week which we are worried about. Do you have any advice or tips?
I have read a lot on site and it describes what we are going through to a T.
Signed ~ A Concerned Parent.
First of all, I want to say Welcome and Thank You for reading our Parenting Blog.
As you can tell by the posts, you are not alone in your fight against wreckless behavior. I posted your email because I wanted to open your question up for comments. I am sure there are many parents who have petitioned the courts with Act 53 and then had to break the news to their teen. You do not say exactly why you are going to court; however, I assume it is because of illegal drug use.
I saw in your email that you live quite a distance away. I believe it would be worth your time and effort to make a day trip to come to a PSST meeting. They are run by a very experienced and helpful (and entertaining) P.O. of the juvenile court system and by an equally experienced and helpful social worker from Wesley Spectrum. These two people, Lloyd and Kathie have been instrumental in keeping our teen alive.
Your would find much support at PSST and the other parents would applaud your decision to seek help through Act 53.
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There is an old Zen story about two monks who meet up with a woman in their travels, and one of the monks helps her across a river, even though they are not supposed to touch females. Later that night, one of the two monks suddenly bursts into anger at the other one, exclaiming that he should not have carried the woman across the river. The monk replied: “Perhaps I shouldn’t have….but you are still carrying her.” (click here or on picture to the right to see the page that I copied this from. I've heard this story before and I've always liked it.)
We've talked about how to minimize resentments in teenagers. Let's talk about the resentments that a parent hold towards the teenager. The best thing about it is to first realize that you've got them. Just admit it. Some things hurt and it is very hard to let go of them especially when your teenager may not have made the big change yet. Even if he has made a turn-around in his life, resentments can linger. What to do about them...
As I just mentioned, first, admit that you have resentments. You need not admit it to your teenager right away but admit it to your spouse, your best friend, your therapist, your clergy and it goes without saying that in order to admit it to any of those people, you have admitted it to yourself.
Second: recognize it as your problem. It's actually not your teenager's problem. As long as you see your resentments as your teenagers problem you miss the boat. The resentments that you carry, especially over long periods of time, are your problem. You have to decide what to do with them.
This is not to say that you have not been injured. If your child has stolen the family heirlooms, which are irreplaceable, and especially if this teenager is probably the one who would have inherited the same family jewels or whatever, then, yes, you have been robbed of the pleasure to give them to the person who stole them. That really hurts and if we have not had that done to us, we don't know how much it hurts.
Having said that, even families that do not have a chemically dependent or otherwise drug abusive or delinquent teenager have resentments to deal with. It seems to be the human condition.
Still, each of us will ultimately decide whether to carry these resentments for long periods or to get over it. Life is not fair. We are all dealt bad hands in different ways and in different periods of our lives. Therefore, it follows that every one of us could choose to carry deep resentments, or not.
While getting rid of resentments is easier said than done, the important thing is to get the process started by admitting that you have them and take personal responsibility for still carrying them.
While your teenager may not be the first one you admit this to, it is sometimes appropriate to express resentments to your teenager that clearly indicates that you take responsibility for it. At the same time, you are modeling for your teenager what to do with resentments. If what you show is how long you can hold onto a resentment, then don't be surprised when your teenager grows up into someone who can also hold on tight to resentments. And we all know that teenager resentments can often be targeted at parents.
Dad: Son, we need to talk. Is this a bad time for you?
Son: No, Dad this is OK, what's up?
Dad: Well, Son, it's like this - you know all that stuff you did during your active addiction? The stuff I keep bringin up and it feels to you like I'm just stuck in the past?
Son: Yeah, of course. You need to let that stuff go Dad.
Dad: Exactly, I need to do that. I'm working on it. But Son, I'm struggling with that.
Son: What do you mean?
Dad: I guess I have a difficult time letting go of resentments.
Son: Oh. Yeah. I know you do. We'll i'm trying to do what I can to change now and it's not fair to keep bringing that stuff up.
Dad: I agree.
Son: You do?
Dad: Right, I do and I need to do a better job with that.
Pause
Dad: So listen, I'm working on not bringing it up...
Son: [interrupting] You mean not bringing it up or not bringing it up three times a day, cause that's what you do you know!
Dad: Ooooo, OK, that's a zinger! Maybe I deserved that. Anyway, I just wanted to clue you in that sometimes, when it looks like I've got no big reason to be upset, I'm struggling with resentments and even though I may not bring the old stuff up, I'm feeling a loss or I'm remembering something that hurt.
Son: Like what do you mean?
Dad: Well, you know how you studied Triggers in rehab? Things that could set you off and make you feel an urge to use drugs?
Son: Yes, Dad I know what triggers are, [rolling eyes] please you don't have to explain that to me!
Dad: Well, Duh! I guess you do know about Triggers! I have seem to have triggers that bring out my bad feelings. Like for example, that argument we had last night when you didn't want to be home by curfew and how you told us that you didn't care what we said, that you would come home when you damn well pleased!
Son: Yeah, but I came home! Geeesh, I was just mad! Didn't I make it home on time!
Dad: Well yes you did. And I think that is the important thing. Not the hurtful things you said to us on the phone - the big thing is thought it over and you came home on time!
Son: Right!
Dad: But that whole conversation acted like a trigger for me and sudenly I wasn't just dealing with your disrespectful attitude on the phone last night, but I was remembering so many of the disrespectful things you used to do and all the hurtful things you used to say to your mother and I- the name calling, the swearing, the slamming of doors, and even the way you used to steal from us- like my radio that you sold for drugs and stuff like that.
Pause:
Dad: See, even though you made it home on time- and that's the important thing here- I struggle today- so I don't mean to keep bringing this stuff up- but if you see that I'm not cheerful, that I sort of have a little chip on my shoulder, just understand that I'm working on it and it will pass. I'll get a grip on it and don't think for a minute that i'm not still way proud of you and of all the hard changes you've made in your life to get to this point. Heck, four months clean is no small accomplishment. And I know it's not always easy for you either.
Son: Yeah. It's hard for me sometimes. But Dad can I say something?
Dad: Sure.
Son: That stereo was a dinasaour!
Dad: I know. It sure was! I bought that in college Son, and I guess that's part of the problem. That stereo had a lot of good memories for me.
Son: Well it wasn't going to last for ever you know.
Dad: Good point Son. It might have just died on it's own and I guess eventually it would have died anyway.
Son: Right!
Dad: Yeah, maybe, but it didn't. I guess knowing that the money that you got for it- what, you told us like 25 bucks? Knowing that that money went to buy drugs for my son, that's kind of is still hard for me, like as if the good memories I used to have about that stereo are now sort of chased away by the bad ones. You know it was my first major purchase as a young man! Still, I know that holding onto that resentment is really stupid of me. So, that's what I mean- I'm working on it- OK?
Pause
Dad: Anyway, I might be thinking about something like that and you just think I'm being a jerk. I just wanted to tell you that it's my problem, I'm working on it, and I'm sorry if sometimes I come off like an old nag about things.
Son: OK, well OK, thanks for clueing me in Dad, I'll keep that in mind.
Dad: Thanks Son, Thanks for listening.
Son: Ok, is that all?
Dad: Yep, that's my big speech for today! Nothing more to report until my news conference tomorrow morning at breakfast!
Son: OK.
Dad: By the way- thanks for listening Son. And don't forget I am way more proud of you than I am resentful and every day I think it gets better!
Third: Quit giving your teenager everything he wants. The more you give, the more they take advantage and sometimes, the less appreciative they are and the worse you feel. The vicious cycle goes like this. We give in, our teen does not appreciate it, we feel even more resentful. Or we don't give in, we feel guilty. Try feeling guilty a little more often. You'd be surprised how much faster it is to get rid of a little guilt than it is to get rid of a little resentment.
In other words do the best you can to stop enabling your teenager. For more on this click here.
Fourth: Direct some of your resentments towards the disease of addiction that your teenager may have, rather than towards your teenager. Write a letter to the disease. Read it to your teenager. This is a way to let them know how badly you feel about the way things have gone, without attacking them. And it's more than a theraputic gimick. this disease is trying to kill our teenagers.
Fifth: Pursue your own happiness. Don't let 90 percent plus of your focus and your energy be about your teenagers, regardless of how well or how poorly they are doing. Teenagers learn from our example. Keep things in perspective. Look after your own friendships, hobbies, career goals, church activities, etc. Volunteer to help other parents who are going through something similar to what you went through. The healing power of one parent helping another through the emotional minefield of having teenagers with drug problems is very powerful. Often it's the parent who reaches out to help who feels so much better about things. Twelve step has a saying: "You have to give it away in order to keep it."
Lori talks about this better than I can. Please read Number Six in Eight Things I Wish I Had Learned Sooner About Having A Child With A Drug Problem: By the way, I hear that Lori and her Son attended our last PSST meeting, that I missed, and that they are supposed to attend our 8-15-09 meeting in Mt. Lebanon. Lori has written a lot for our blog and you click here to go to one of her popular PSST posts Losing Your Teenager and Gaining an Adult -
Sixth: We cannot forgive others until we have forgiven ourselves. Just something to ponder. I think it's a challenge that we all have. I like the things that Dr. Wayne Dyer says about it here.
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Aggressive Teens
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, June 10, 2012
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| Please do not use this image without our permission (PSST). |
We talked about aggressive teenagers at the Wexford meeting on June 9. It's not that aggressive teens always assault, but that they intimidate by presenting a threat that they will be "out-of-control" and, moreover, that it will be their parent's fault that they are "out-of-control."
They let it be known that you have upset them so much they might not be able to contain themselves. Usually there is a history of throwing objects, breaking things, punching holes in the wall, and/or assaulting parents. We came up with a do's and don'ts list.
Of course this is a serious problem for which professional help is always a good idea. Getting an assessment through a professional therapist or psychiatrist may be a good first step.
Also, as a parent you know your child best. If anything on our list of Do's and Don'ts seems like it would be unsafe and might provoke your teenager to assault you, then use these ideas cautiously or ask for support from a trusted source before you implement any of these ideas.
Still, there are times when it is not possible to utilize professionals, or when professionals have been consulted and the problem persists. In these cases Parents need to know what is effective to decrease this angry behavior. We believe that used "over time" these ideas will decrease this threatening behavior.
First, once the teenager elevates his interaction with intimidation, do stop talking about whatever it was that brought you into this situation. Don't continue to discuss his curfew violation, suspected drug abuse, plans for the evening of which you have not and will not approve, or whatever. These are no longer the important issues. It's no longer about the 20 bucks he was trying to squeeze out of you. Instead, do pay attention and do speak to the real issue at hand, vis-Ã -vis, he is attempting to intimidate you.
Secondly, Your teen may have learned that he can sometimes get what he wants when he intimidates you. Don't give in to him because if you give in to him when he is in this state you reinforce "the monster" in him. That means you will see that monster again soon. Once you see the monster come out you can not afford to reinforce it.
Thirdly, Do use good strong, but not loud, voice and body language. Lean into his space a "wee bit." Half an inch should do it. You are not trying to promote a temper tantrum, you are attempting to short-circuit one, but it is important especially in light of his assumed threats to show that you will hold your ground and no better way to show that than by taking a wee bit of space.
Fourth, Do tell him you can't stop him from flipping out. Or tell him that you can see that he is about to flip out, that he is working himself into a temper tantrum. Now we are trying to trigger the oppositional side of him, but in a good way. We want him to prove us wrong, i.e., he won't flip out.
Fifth, Don't try obvious means by which to stop him from flipping out. Saying things like, "you need to take a deep breath," or "you need to calm down right now or I'm calling your PO" are obvious attempts to short-circuit his temper tantrum and that usually triggers the "oppositional response." Instead, saying "I can't stop you from flipping out, can I" while leaning in to take the wee bit of space might trigger the oppositional response in a more favorable manner. In other words, he thinks that you have assumed that he is going to be out-of-control and now he might choose to prove you wrong by maintaining control. Instead, if he continues to escalate, tell him that if he has to have a temper tantrum, then let's get it out of the way right now. If this is said, calmly, purposely, and with conviction, it may surprise him and he may surprise you by "proving you wrong" and not having an outburst.
Sixth, What if he does "flip out?" Have a plan. Know what you will do. How bad does it have to be before you call 911? If you have to call, tell the police that "I need an officer to keep the peace as soon as possible." Whether or not you use any of these tips so far, you still need a plan for when he does flip out.
Seventh, Don't keep it secret. Don't give the impression that you will keep it secret. This comes up more in the contrite side than the intimidation side but it could come up in either. Both drug and alcohol issues and abuse issues (yes, your teenager is abusing you) thrive in secrecy. Once the light is shed on the behavior and the PO, the teacher, the police, the close relatives, even sometimes the teenagers friends parents, know what is going on and your teenager learns over time that you refuse to keep such behaviors secret, he begins to think twice before acting out in this manner.
Eighth, Don't use a threat to address a threat. This may sound like a contradiction to number six where we discuss how important it is to not keep secrets. The difference is you tell the PO, you don't threaten to tell the PO "if you don't calm down." By threatening to call the PO you do two things that we don't want to do. One, we trigger the oppositional nature and not in a good way. Two, we IMPLY that if he calms down we will keep a secret. That is the slippery slope we are trying to avoid.
Ninth, If your teenager changes course and he steps back with his body posture in some manner, don't continue to take a wee bit of his space. You've made your point now it's important to remember that you only use as much force as you need to get his behavior back in line. When power is overused it causes resentment. Yes, taking a wee bit of his space is power. It is a very forceful technique. If your teenager says he doesn't want to talk about it now and he wants to be left alone, then agree that this is not the right time and "we'll talk about it later." Do not pursue him into his bedroom to "talk it out." That might be what he wants you to do really, but that will almost always backfire. Just give him his space. It's the respectful thing to do anyhow.
Tenth, Be aware that for some of our abusive teens, there will be a contrite side where they are sorry and they want forgiveness and with that secrecy. This is a cycle. Abuse, feel sorry, beg forgiveness, and over time abuse again. Try not to provide a lot of attention during this phase either. Attention is the most powerful reinforcement and reinforcing the contrite behavior in some way also reinforces the aggressive side of the teenager. The teenager has perhaps learned that he might receive intimacy and attention by employing intimidating, threatening behavior followed by remorse, tears, being sorry, and begging forgiveness and perhaps secrecy. Just say it isn't a good time for you to talk about it or say that you forgive him and leave it at that. This is a bit redundant, but don't promise secrecy. It might be best if you have already notified whomever he wants you to keep the secret from. Use email or voice mail to get that done so that it is clearly no longer up for discussion.
Eleven, When our teenagers are "sorry sorry sorry" sometimes there is also an implied threat. Be aware of that and be ready to address that. Things can switch from Contrite Phase to Abuse Phase really fast.
Teen: Mom, it's going to make me really angry if you can't even forgive one broken chair! That chair sucked! That chair is so old your mom even thought it was an old chair. Don't blow this out of proportion Mom cause I don't think I could handle that. Oh, what you are still going to tell my PO? Oh then I might just as well kill myself cause my life is over if he takes me to Shuman. Is that what you want? You want me to be taken away? That's what you wanted all along isn't it? What's more important Mom? Me or the chair? Do you want a kid on drugs or a kid breaking chairs, cause your bull$hit makes me want to get high!
At this point, switch back to talking calmly, take a wee bit of their space, and say things like, "I'm not sure I can stop you if you are going to get worked up again" or for the suicidal threat, "I'm glad you are talking about this, are you feeling like hurting yourself now?" and follow that up with a trip to the ER of a hospital if necessary. The trip to the ER shows your son that you take his safety seriously and that you aren't afraid to make a call that is going to further upset him. If he is manipulating for power he may find out that doesn't lead to the kind of pay off he is looking for and those threats of suicide may stop. Even if you believe that he is just manipulating, take all threats of suicide, especially if your teen has a thought of a way that he might do the job. If he has thought about using a gun or taking pills, then he needs to go talk to a doctor at the ER and if he won't go with you voluntarily then calling the police in for help is exactly the right thing to do. (Also, make sure that anything that your teenager might use to hurt himself, like knives, guns, or pills are not accessible. For example, with a teen mentioning that he feels like hurting himself you might put all the kitchen cutlery away and leave it hidden for a whole month. Sure, the family will complain. How are they going to cut their bread? But it continues to make the point that you take your teenager's safety seriously and you aren't afraid to act.)
In class, we used this analogy. It looks like rain. The sky is darkening and the wind is picking up and smells like rain. The clouds have moved in in a big way. At this point we all hope it is going to blow over. That's the way we sometimes try to handle our teenagers when they escalate and threaten temper tantrums. Maybe if we just don't say the wrong thing, don't do the wrong thing, the whole nasty affair will just blow over. That's not only a description of the situation, it's a description of the problem. At this point the teen has us trained to not say certain words, not take certain actions, not say things in certain ways, and the amount of power we have given our teenager at that point is corrupting and addictive. He can't handle that much power. We have to short-circuit that pattern, interrupt that behavior by taking action on our own. Over time, this behavior will decrease if we consistently act in a away designed to short-circuit this behavior. Let's look at the analogy again.
It's getting dark out, the wind is picking up and it looks like it's going to be a heck of a storm. This is a good time to take down the beach umbrella, pack up the picnic stuff and head for shelter. But wait, we don't do that. We stand there frozen because if we start to move towards shelter, we will offend the Rain God and it will be a nasty storm for sure. No, if just sit here on the beach and act as though nothing is wrong, show the Rain God that we have faith that he won't send the nasty storm our way, then maybe it will blow over?
I admit that the analogy doesn't fit perfectly. That's OK. I'm looking for a VIVID analogy, not a perfect one. When you see the first signs of rain, start to review your plans for getting to safety. Look up at that big ole Rain God and calmly without yelling say, "OK, Rain God, make my day, do your worst, I bet we can pack this stuff up and get to the S.U.V. before we even get wet. And you know what, if we get wet it won't be the first time we got wet, and it won't be the last." And then matter-of-factly, in a business voice, "OK, everyone, the Rain God is mad or something, you know the drill."
One good question that came up was this: What if your teen tells you that he can see that you are saying something like this just to get him to stop this nasty behavior? Just agree with him. We always like to find things to agree with and so far we haven't even talked about that. "You're RIGHT! That is what I'm trying to do because of course I'd rather not see you go through all that and put us through all that, but you know, you can see right though me and I'm not surprised, you know why? (still leaning in a wee bit) "Why?" the teen replies. "Because you can always read me the best. I can't think of anyone else who can read me like you can. That's why I know you know I'm serious about what I'm saying. Your move. What's it going to be?"
A post that is related to this one, but looks at the darker side of the aggressive teen can be found here: Warning: this linked post has some obscene language: When Teens Harass Parents.
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A quick update for those who have been following Wilma's stories about life in Bedrock . . .
Bam ended up in Shuman, then his new placement which I will
call ABC123. Bam didn't go to the prom even though he had his ticket, and he won't be graduating yet. And I am ok with it. Prior to placement we had been arguing over
the prom and his wanting kids at our house afterwards, to which Fred and I both
said NO WAY. AND we were NOT planning a graduation party as we could NOT have his friends at our house. Bam had sent invites on Facebook for his own party at our house – how bold – but I canceled them.
Now Bam will celebrate his 18th birthday and most likely graduate in ABC123.
Wilma
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TEENAGERS LOVE TO PARTY – especially during Prom and Graduation season. Often alcohol is involved. Some parents think that hosting their teenager’s party in the home will keep the kids out of trouble. You may not understand that it’s illegal, unsafe and unhealthy for anyone under age 21 to drink alcohol. Did you know that Parents Who Host Lose the Most?
Here are the facts: If you make alcohol available at teenager parties, you can be prosecuted. If you allow teen drinking parties in your home, you can be prosecuted. So parents, please protect yourselves and your kids — don’t be a party to teenage drinking. Do your part & start planning now to make this prom and graduation season safe for everybody.
The information above is provided as a public awareness message by the Pennsylvania Driving Under the Influence (DUI) Association. PA DUI is a professional organization which is working to address the DUI problem in all of its many stages — from prevention to enforcement up to, and including, adjudication and rehabilitation. For more information, click here to go to their website.
Thanks, Wilma, for providing this timely link!
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A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 3
DETACHING FROM PEBBLES WITH LOVE; BETTY WORKS ON HER CO-DEPENDENCY by Betty
Pebbles' mom, Betty, sent this follow up to her previous posts.
To see the original post click here: A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53
and A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 2
A lot has happened since Pebbles' first hearing back in March. She was placed at Mars Home for a month.
During that month she received some counseling but the majority of it was spent on what would be set up for Pebbles to go to for out-patient support. There were quite a few things set up to help Pebbles with her issues. However, Pebbles obviously was not on board with the plans.
Not long after coming home with an ankle bracelet did old attitudes begin. Having a pity party for herself, complaining of being bored and lonely, excuses for doing minimal 12 step recovery work. Was not allowed a cell phone unless taking a bus to therapy or meetings. Nor allowed internet access unless supervised. However, a sympathetic neighbor (adult) gave her an I-pod to use to text friends.(Whole other story).
From the time she was able to contact friends she was more secretive. By 3 weeks home her father found her drunk and passed out. At first he thought she was dead!
This was at 11:00 a.m. and I left at 9 a.m. for work. That's a lot of drinking in a very short period of time. A friend of hers brought her alcohol and later I found out Xanax. We called her P.O., had a warrant faxed to the police station and she was handcuffed and sent back to Shuman.
When I came home for lunch and found out about the situation, I cried and asked why?
Her reply was, "because of you." I was too hard on her, never satisfied, blah, blah blah. Thank God for what I have learned about this disease and not to take her answer personally.
In fact, I don't know why I even asked her, why?
Having said that my head knows that is what addiction is telling her. My heart though is hurt and heart broken. It's been over 3 weeks and she is still at Shuman being interviewed for placement for a much longer & intense placement. We warned her the last time we would not visit and pick up her collect calls several times per day like the last time. We haven't either. We spoke to her maybe 3 times. Once was her birthday.
There is a hearing scheduled that I already have a medical procedure scheduled at the same time and I am going to take care of myself. Barney is going to the hearing.
In fact, with the state of mind this last episode has put me in, the less I am involved the better.
 Barney is taking over as much as possible. It's not easy giving up control but a personal defect I need to work on. This much control or attempt to control has made me ill. It may be one of the reasons Pebbles has remained ill too.
We were informed one night by Shuman, Pebbles was taken to WPIC due to concern for her safety. We did not go nor have we been informed whether she was admitted or sent back to Shuman. Barney hasn't called to find out. He feels either way she is safe and alive and better off than here at home.
There is a void in my life because I am addicted to her.
But I am going to Nar-Anon meetings, making phone calls, reading PSST, meditating and listening to encouraging CD's to cope. It does help.
She is 18 now. Far from the adult the law says she is but I need to focus more on myself. It's been a long time since I have and it's a challenge. I ponder whether it was easier to stay obsessed with my girl's addiction and their problems then my own.
It's quiet at home. Something I yearned for; but uncomfortable with. It's foreign to me. However, as much as I hope Pebbles works on her problems, I hope the same for myself. Then one day we will even be a healthier family with a healthier relationship.
I want to be able to say one day that,"If it wasn't for all the pain and grief addiction put us though, we wouldn't have been BLESSED with where we are today!
That would be so nice.
Pebble's Mom, Betty
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A Mother’s Journey Through Love and Loss
"The face of addiction has changed. Addiction does not discriminate by age, gender, race or socioeconomic class. The addict is no longer that homeless man on the corner begging for change to get his next fix. The addict is no longer that rebellious kid with the tattoos and mohawk that comes from a troubled past full of abuse and neglect. The new face of addiction is the cleancut boy from a “good” home and attending a well-respected private school. The new face of addiction is your neighbor’s child. Or my child. Or even yours."
Lori Swanson knows all too well about the new face of addiction. She saw it in the face of her son, David. Click here to read her heartbreaking story of love and loss, as shared with RockfordParent.com.
Lori’s advice to other parents dealing with children struggling with addiction: “Acknowledge it! . . . Do not be ashamed to let others know you are seeking help . . . Most of all, love your child, especially when it is most difficult.”
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If you'e like a lot of us at PSST you are no stranger to the nature verses nurture issue. Somewhere in this episode it says something to the effect that psychologists, teachers, and social workers used to think that everything was about how a person was raised. All behavior was thought to be learned; however, today people seem more aware that the hereditary cards that a person is dealt may have more to do with how people turn out than learned behavior.
Especially, when you look at psychopathology, some people may not have the "hardware" necessary to feel empathy, remorse, or even fear. Still, there is a danger that in the use of this Psychopath Test some people might get "written off" when really there was a miracle for them right around the corner.
This show raises more questions than it answers but it really does help a listener to be aware of exactly what the questions are. Of course this piece is educational; like everything that Ira Glass and This American Life examines, it is wildly entertaining as well.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/436/the-psychopath-test
Type rest of the post here
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PSST now has an additional tool for parents to communicate. In addition to the blog, we have set up a group on Yahoo. Here is a quick overview of the group:
Posting
Any member of the group can send posts and contact members. The posts are sent out by e-mail to all members. To comment on the post, you simply reply from your e-mail. You don't need to log in or go to the site.
Calendar
Any member can add events to the calendar (upcoming meetings, special events, dinner at Tibby's, whatever). A reminder is sent out to group members the day or week before (you specify).
Database
All members and their contact info are listed in the database. This info is only accessible to members of the group, no outsiders.
If you haven't already joined, it's easy to do. Just follow this link and click "request to join". We'd like to get as many PSST parents as possible to join to make it worthwhile. Probation and Wesley Spectrum are also invited.
Brigitte
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Happy Mother's Day!!
Posted by:Cheryl, Jim, Andy + 3 Stooges--Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day to all the Strongest Mom's in the world that have children in placement today. Remember, your children are safe and clean today because of your strength and perseverance in this chapter of their lives. Enjoy YOUR day.
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Can it only be a month since I shared our latest Bam Bam update? You think how much more can I take, and find out more than you ever thought possible.
On April 9th Bam was placed in a brand new day/evening program with state-of-the art GPS tracking on his ankle. After his first day in the program, where he was tracked all over a questionable area, his P.O. and the program put him on strict supervision for at least 30 days. Well, here we are 30 days later and things are worse. Or maybe better, depending on how you look at it.
During this last month Bam Bam was discharged from his dual diagnosis program for lack of progress. He had a preliminary appointment with Wesley Spectrum with a therapist and was scheduled to meet with the psychiatrist for medication management later this month. He did get a job where he actually worked, and I thought maybe he is making some positive progress. Well, on April 19th after a stressful evening with Bam, a friend of his called to tell me that Bam was threatening suicide. Fred asked him if he was thinking of suicide and Bam Bam answered yes. I had no choice but to call 911 for an ambulance. The police and ambulance arrived. Bam Bam said he wasn't going to hurt himself and was very angry and agitated that I called for help. However, we take suicide threats very seriously. The friend who called us experienced a close family member's suicide, and I trusted that when he called he was very concerned about Bam.
Now maybe Bam was using this as an attention getting tactic, but I was not taking any chances. Bam Bam was verbally abusive to the EMT's and police. They asked what I wanted and I said he needed to be evaluated at the hospital. Bam was not cooperating, so the police were going to take him in the squad car. Bam gave them some trouble and spit on one of the officers. The cops were not happy. They had a taser to Bam's back while escorting him to the car and told us that they were very close to tasering him. Bam was told charges would be forthcoming for spitting on the police officer. After several hours at the ER it was determined Bam was not a danger to himself or anyone else, so we all went home.
Bam had also been having issues at his day/evening program involving his GPS bracelet and being disrespectful to staff. Bam earned a 24 hour sanction at Shuman resort the next weekend, April 28-29. In the meantime Bam has been going back to his old tricks to leave school early, to which he added that his GPS needed charged so he had to go home. I finally called his intrepid P.O. who said that Bam was to stay in school and he would work out the GPS charging issue with the day/evening program. Well, guess what? The program said they were showing the GPS was 90% charged! It appeared that Bam just wanted to come home. During this week, he also let our family therapist know that he only needed about a 44% in all of his classes to graduate, so he wasn't doing any work. Meanwhile, the judge sent him home because he felt it was important that Bam graduate. However, with the attendance issues, not working on his graduation project, etc, graduation wasn't looking like it was going to happen!
Now we are at last weekend (can it only be a week??). Friday Bam goes to the nurse's office claiming he has tunnel vision from his medication and needs to come home from school, so Fred picks him up. I talk to the school nurse to see what the heck is going on, and we review how many times in the last few weeks he has been to the nurse's office and came home from school. His vitals were all normal but he insisted that he needed to come home. However, he was just fine to cut grass for money from his dad and went to work.
The next day he went to community service, did a short mandatory job shadow with his uncle and came home. I'm thinking we are going to have a quiet evening. Hah! By 6 p.m. Bam is badgering me that he needs to get a haircut (nothing is open but he has to argue about it anyway), then he starts on the prom he was supposed to go to tonight, then he calls his case manager saying he has to have a meeting with his group member for his grad project. Now, that was a possibility as the students are presenting projects beginning this week, so he gets a window and Fred takes Bam to a house where I KNOW THIS GIRL DOES NOT LIVE. Something was just not right, so I had checked on the address and confirmed that this girl's family DOES NOT LIVE HERE. I pick Bam up less than two hours later – the drive is 5 minutes or less, and he vomits on himself in the car. He makes NO ATTEMPT to get out of the car, open the window, nothing. He was out of it. I knew something was wrong. The next day I call this house and they do not know who this girl is. I confront Bam and he tells me this is an aunt's house and the crazy uncle answered the phone! You have got to be kidding me, am I that stupid?
A short time later, Fred is leaving the house with Bam and they tell me that Bam got a window to go back to this house and work on the project. What!??? I would not have known about this except I unexpectedly saw them leaving. Less than an hour later, Fred brings Bam back home, and in less than ten minutes Bam is vomiting on his bedroom floor and then goes to sleep (passes out?). Fred has gone out and when he returns I go to this house and demand to know who lives there and what the heck did my son take? I discover (and I'm not surprised) that no girl lives there, instead it is some kid I don't know. He tells me he stole a bottle of vodka from his dad and that Bam had been drinking. I tell him if I have to call for an ambulance for Bam, then the police will be at his house. The father is not home, which I can tell as there is no car in the garage or driveway. An uncle is there and kind of confused and this kid is worried. I am scared, wondering how much Bam drank in so short a time. And did he take anything else?
I go out and buy a breathalyzer and test Bam and he has an initial .04 several hours after drinking. He demands to be tested again, so I test him twice more and he tests at .03 both times. Despite the overwhelming evidence, he continues to tell me he has not had anything to drink or taken anything. In the meantime, for two days he has been giving us reasons why he had tunnel vision in school and says that someone slipped something in his coffee, then it's that a kid slipped weed into a candy peep – nothing made any sense and he just compounded lie after lie. Does he even believe his own lies?? I feel he is setting the stage so that if he tests positive for anything he will be the innocent victim. Of course Bam does not want me to report ANYTHING to ANYBODY.
The next day I e-mail Bam's P.O. and all service providers. Bam Bam has the guardian angel of unlimited chances, so I'm thinking that he will still be allowed to go to the prom and get some sort of sanction. So when his P.O. calls me to discuss what's been going on, I am surprised. He tells me that he has scheduled a walk-in detention hearing for the following day. Bam is a liability now and WILL NOT be allowed to go to prom (what have I been saying for a month??). He tells me that Bam has been calling/texting to tell him that yes he did drink and HE SMOKED WEED at some point over the weekend. Of course the days change with each telling, but Bam is convinced by being honest he will get a free pass to do as he pleases. NOT THIS TIME!
His P.O. has left Bam a message to call him after school, but Bam can't wait that long and finds out that he has the detention hearing. He gets very agitated so goes to the counselor's office and tells the counselor he is in trouble, upset, feels like he wants to kill someone or punch something. He calms down and goes back to class. I have a message from the counselor and when I call her back, Bam is back in the office demanding to go home. She tells me that he is calm and wants to go home, but she feels that he is about to explode and is concerned about what will happen when he goes home. I also have a conversation with his therapist who expresses similar concerns. I am also extremely worried about what could happen if he goes home, so I call his P.O. who approves admission to Shuman that day.
Fred and I pick Bam up from school and don't tell him he is not going home until we are leaving school property. Bam is furious! I am driving, Fred is in the back seat and Bam is ranting. He does not stop. He is texting people, then he calls the P.O. and he is crying, pleading, wanting to go home, promising NOTHING will happen but it is very clear to Fred and me there is NO WAY we can take him home. I just know that if we take him home, the police will be involved in some way and it will not end well. Meanwhile, Bam is becoming more and more agitated, yelling, crying, pounding the dashboard.
As many of you know, the road to Shuman is under construction and not an easy drive. Well, now we are all yelling, telling Bam to just stop, which of course he's not, then I start having difficulty breathing, I feel like I'm going to pass out, my vision is going dark. I have to pull over (now we are on 28 and there is NOWHERE really to pull over) to switch to Fred driving. I call 911 as I am afraid I am having a heart attack or an asthma attack, I don't know what, but I feel awful. We meet the paramedics at zone 5 police station where I get oxygen and evaluated, and they determine I am hyperventilating and having an anxiety attack. At least Bam has stopped his tirade. Fred told me later that Bam was actually worried. I am pretty stable so we take Bam up the hill to Shuman. I tell Fred he has to take him in (usually I have the honors of admitting him).
On the way home, the director of the day/evening program calls to tell me that they have had concerns about Bam. On several occasions he has been to the program with dilated pupils, they are concerned that he is not taking his prescription medications as prescribed (I have been worrying about that myself – we have caught him cheeking it on several occasions). He actually had been telling them over the weekend how he suspects that he was drugged, and she felt that he was setting up a story so that if he tested positive he would be innocent – exactly the feeling I had. I felt vindicated somehow that I wasn't crazy.
The next day, Tuesday, Bam is detained and now has a hearing before his judge. Placement is the recommendation and this is what I have felt Bam has needed for months, but we have had to follow the guidelines. Also, in addition to his guardian angel of many chances, he also has the judge of many chances. And maybe this is what was supposed to happen. Bam has been given so many chances and now he has proven that he really needs to be out of our home, out of the community, and that he needs to be in a residential placement where he can get the help and treatment he needs. So now we wait until next Tuesday. Lucky Bam's police charges are not as severe as the police officer originally said he was filing, but these are more serious than the ones we filed, so they will have more "teeth" when Bam goes before his judge.
So this Mother's Day weekend I am hoping that my child will be going away next week. His actions last weekend have made it even more clear that, to save his life, he needs to go away. And that is really hard as a mother, to feel this way about the child I waited so long for, to want him gone. But that is what he needs - what we all need - to save him and our family.
So for today, we have peace in our home and Bam is safe.
Wilma
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Yesterday, as I was feasting on an early Mother's Day dinner, cooked and served by my oldest son, Pierre, I reflected on the events of one short year ago.
I vividly remember Francois and I sitting dejectedly in a PSST meeting the day before Mother's Day. Pierre had just been picked up and handcuffed at school and taken to Shuman for violating his probation. He was only one month home from a short-term placement and was already back to using weed. He revealed that his younger brother was using at the house in front of him and was the reason for his relapse. (We found out later this wasn't completely true but didn't know it at the time.) Our youngest son, who has special needs, was being bullied at school and came home with a bloody lip. I remember making a comment about dreading Mother's Day the next day because I felt like a complete failure of a mother.
The PSST members did what they always do best. They lifted us up with their sincere words of comfort and encouragement. They gave us warm hugs and let us know that, not only were we terrific parents, but that we were not alone. Several phoned during the week to check in and sent e-mails to continue to show their support.
Fast forward to yesterday. Francois and I are sitting down to dinner with all three of our boys. Pierre is on a home pass from his placement and was due to go back in a few hours. I had an incredible feeling of peace and joy at being able to enjoy this simple gesture of sharing food together. The setting was light years away from the horrible scenes that took place in our house only one year ago. Each day seems to creep forward towards a better life. We don't know where the future will lead for any of our children, but living with hope is so much better than living in despair.
Thank you to everyone at PSST for sharing your stories, strength and courage with us. We would not have had that beautiful dinner without all of your support.
Happy Mother's Day to all of us!!
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 Invisible Mother
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?'
Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mum. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' Some days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock?, Where's my phone?, What's for dinner?'
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history, music and literature - but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. She had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mum gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're gonna love it there...'
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible mothers.
Thank you to all the Mums who are looking down and smiling at the cathedrals they helped to build. And to all the wonderful mothers out there - God bless and keep you. Happy Mother's Day!
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