It's a great Question that came up at our Mt Lebanon Meeting on 12-18-10. The answer is an unequivocal "No." Sometimes that happens and sometimes the interaction isn't smooth at all especially because the teenager hates it that the parents are using new skills. So what is the purpose of using our parent skills on our teenagers?
The purpose to is realign the relationship. (1) To bring the balance of power back to where parents are in charge. And (2) to improve the quality of the relationship between the parent and the teenager. It's as if the message that parents send when they use the PSST skills are, "...there are limits to what you can do," and "I love you, and sometimes I like you." The first goal is enhanced by using words and phrases such as "nevertheless," "regardless." and "I'm NOT comfortable with that."
The second goal is enhanced by all the "agreeing" that we make it our business to do. We want to send the message that our teens are certainly right about 90 percent of what they are saying and doing. Then, we can grapple with the other ten percent.
For a moment let's consider that by not arguing with teenagers we don't wear ourselves out and in that sense the visit is smoother. Or after teenagers learn that we are going to remain resolute in our boundaries they might back off and that might produce a smoother interaction. On the other hand, sometimes using these skills sets off fireworks. Consider this role-play:
Mom: Honey, you are so right!
Teen: About what? You mean you will ask for the Court ordered Christmas home pass?
Mom: Honey, what I mean is this. If we had a Court order you could come home for Christmas. A Court order goes a long way in this business, I'm learning that.
Teen: And?
Mom: Well, this is going to make you mad I'm afraid, but I'm NOT comfortable asking your PO for a Court ordered Christmas Visit.
Teen: What!? You don't want me home do you?
Mom: Nope, not yet.
Teen: You bi%@*. You want me to stay in this hell hole that YOU put me in, while you're out having a nice Christmas.
Mom: Yes, I want you to be here where you are safe. [Moving in closer but lowing voice.]
Teen: Oh don't give me that s*&t. I have done really well here, and you know the staff spit on that one girl- what kind of place is this? You put me here. You don't even know what this place is like, do you MOM? You don't know a thing about this place. The things I could tell you about this place! It would keep you up at night if only knew what goes on in here...
Mom: Yes, I think it's bad here.
Teen: Bad? You have no idea. Did you ever have to stay in a place like this? Huh? Did you? No you didn't.
Mom: No. I don't really know what goes on in here.
Teen: So how can you say you're not comfortable getting me out of here for just ONE DAY?
Mom: I am more comfortable having you where you cannot do drugs, stay out all night, or go out with older men who give you drugs.
Teen: You don't have a clue. I'm not going to do any of THAT on Christmas Day now am I?
Mom: Honey, I'm glad to hear you say you're not planning on any of that this year.
Teen: What do you mean this year?
Mom: Well, last year at Christmas we didn't even know where you were!
Teen: That's not going to happen again I told you that!
Mom: I believe you.
Teen: Good. So help me get out of here MOM!
Mom: I'm not comfortable helping you get out of here until you've earned the home pass privilege.
Teen: Why?
Mom: You know if we talk about this for hours, it won't matter. I can't convince you that you should spend Christmas in here.
Teen: You're right! You can't.
Mom: So, I'm not going to try.
Teen: [Fuming] Well, you just want me out of the way, don't you? Admit it! It's just "easier" for you that way.
Mom: Well, yes, it is easier for me to enjoy Christmas knowing that you are safe here. It is much easier than sitting worried that the phone is going to ring and someone on the other end is going to tell me that you are arrested, hurt, or dead. That's going to be much easier for me.
Teen: So, this is all about what is best for you, isn't it. [almost snarling]
Mom: Yes, a big part of this is all about me. I want you safe this Christmas. I don't want to worry about you getting high, running off with that older man, stealing money from me and from our relatives, and hurting yourself in any of the ways that you have done in the past.
Teen: That's all behind me Mom. If you would just trust me, just this once, just trust me I swear to God I'm telling the truth! I'll be good now because now I see where all that stuff can get me. You don't think I ever want to be put in a place like this again do you?
Mom: Yes, and I believe you. Although I really have no crystal ball do I?
Teen: That's not fair, [starts crying] I just wanted to be home for Christmas!!!!
Mom: No it's not fair. Not at all. Very unfair.
Teen: [Keeps Crying.]
Teen: [ Sobbing but looking up at Mom at the same time]
Mom: Nevertheless, you'll be here for Christmas this year.
Teen: I hate you! Don't even come to visit me for Christmas. I don't want to see you anymore. I hate you!
Mom: You break my heart baby! [sincerely said]
Teen: Oh sure. I don't think you feel bad at all. If you did, you would get me out of here for just ONE DAY!
Mom: It's been a bad day for me all around, loosing YOUR good opinion of me. I've lost that before too you know.
Teen: What the hell are you talking about?
Mom: Well it used to bother me a lot when you called me a bi*@#. It still hurts. But not like it used to hurt.
[Pause]
Mom: I guess I'm not really OK with you hating me so bad, but I'm working on it.
Teen: What do you mean by that? That is an ignorant thing to say!
Mom: Well, it used to bother me soooooo much if you were mad at me. Then, I would make decisions that maybe weren't good ones, just so that you wouldn't be mad at me. But I've changed. I have a job to do as your mother. Sometimes when I do my job you're going to be mad at me. I've accepted that.
Teen: Bi$%. Just don't visit me. You got that?
Mom: Yes, I got that.
Teen: Just think about me rotting away while you have your little Christmas, OK? Just picture me stuck in here with all these felons, rapists, and murderers. OK?
Mom: OK.
Teen: And don't expect a da$$ Christmas Present you bi$#!
Mom: Knowing you're safe is all I really wanted anyway.
Teen: I hate you. Please leave now.
Mom: OK, [getting up] I think maybe we covered everything. Thanks for trying to understand [gives girl a hug, which girl fights off.] Love you. [Mom walks away.]
Teen: [Wants to yell obscenities at Mom but mom is walking aways and is in ear-shot of staff who girl does not want to overhear their problems, so she fumes quietly.]
OK, not a happy ending. Not yet. But in this role-play Mom is powerful. This isn't about the PO. Mom takes all the blame. With blame comes power. You don't get the power without taking the blame. Mom does a Harry Truman and the buck stops here.
Note that Mom may or may not have been able to get the court order for the Christmas Visit; however, that is not relevant. Mom does not wish to enable her daughter anymore. She refuses to seek the order, preferring that her daughter stays where she is safe and that she "earn" her home passes the regular way. This Mom knows that being in the institution instead of at home is really part and parcel to the treatment that her daughter is receiving. It is safety, treatment, and consequence, three overlapping areas.
Will the girl make good on her threat not to have mom visit? Perhaps. Even so, mother can opt to visit or not to visit but her point is well-made. She will not be manipulated into making bad decisions because her daughter is angry and making threats. Period. This mother has made a statement that goes to the core of the daughter having too much power. This is not about having a smooth visit. This is about realigning the power in the relationship.
The reaction of the teen could possibly produce one more thing. If she flips out over this, then Mom has provided "grist" for the "treatment mill." This daughter is blaming Mom and trying to manipulate Mom. This is important information for staff to have. This tells everyone that this young lady has a long way to go towards taking responsibility. No matter how excellent she may be doing inside the inpatient treatment program, her interaction with her mother provides useful information on where she really stands.
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Is the purpose of the role play just to have a smoother visit?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, December 19, 2010
PSST is Our Mainstay
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, December 18, 2010
Rocco is snuggled up for a long winter's nap and I am busy doing some last minute decorating. As I place gel snowflakes on the window pane, I start thinking about today's PSST meeting.
We had a phenomenal turnout of 24 concerned parents listening and learning as Val Ketter and Lloyd Woodward from Juvenile Probation & Kathie Tagmyer and Joclyn from Wesley Spectrum spoke. When Rocco awakes he will give a more detailed report. I just want to say that I heard a couple of my PSST ladyfriends say they are feeling sad or overwhelmed. I think that can be a typical feeling when your child is an addict and the holidays are around the corner.
You are not alone.
I remember feeling very overwhelmed last Christmas when our Cisco was at home. I played detective every day and night. I would check out his facebook and text messages and was compelled to know everything he was up to. It was very exhausting.
It turned out that we discovered that he was using again and he went back into placement on January 19th, 2010. He came home in July and used again and went back in by the end of August. He is now in detention waiting for a bed at an adult facility. I get days when I feel very sad about his addiction but I do not feel that now. Why? Because he has consistently been so 'normal' for the last twelve times when we visited him.
Last night when we visited him, he was grateful as usual. A grateful addict will not use.
It is a long journey when a family is finding their way through an addiction to that contented place called recovery. Rocco and I have attended practically every meeting at PSST for the last year and a half. It is our mainstay. Telling our story and listening to the stories of other parents is so helpful. There is complete support and sincere compassion. And we learn from one another.
Lloyd's role plays are invaluable. We pick out a scenerio that is likely to happen to a parent and a teen. And we play it out. For instance, this week we played the scene of when a parent visits a child in placement who wants to come home now and wants stamps to write to all of her friends.
The mother of the teen played her daughter, and she played her so well (including tears). This young lady really layed it on thick. How awful it was to be there. How she will miss all of her mom and dad's cooking and decorating for the holiday. Lloyd played the dad and I played the mom.
We used a few of the PSST classics:
Agree With Somethings That the Teen Says.
You can agree with the fact that it would be awful to be there. You can agree that the other clients seem shady. You can agree that you would not want to spend Christmas in such a place.
Just don't agree to take them home.
Tell the Teen They May Not Like What You Have to Say and Tell Them They May Walk Away (This works great for the Oppositional Teen)
If you state in the beginning that the teen is not going to like what you have to say and allow them to walk away when you say that you will not bring stamps to them they are probably going to sit there and listen to you.
Keep a United Front.
Even if your parenting style is not exactly the same as your spouse. Do not make this apparent to your child.
When You Take the Blame You Gain the Power.
Agree with the fact that you had something to do with getting them into the placement facility.
This realigns your relationship with your child and you now have some power.
It is so helpful that I have learned the PSST way of parenting. Even though, as of late, Cisco has consistently been grateful and mature when we visit; he wants to get out of the detention facility. It is hard to see him sit in there day after day. I can see how some parents 'cave' in this situation. Especially when your child is acting so nice and respectful.
I keep it clear in my mind that he is an addict and needs to suffer the consequences for walking away from his adult program. I guess I am a forgiving person because I never think of the things he has stolen from us in the past and the very poor behavior that he had. Maybe it is not even that I am so forgiving as much as - I simply don't want to keep thinking about negative incidences? I just have to remember it well enough so that I don't enable again.
We visited him on Friday and will do so again on Monday. I am ready for whatever he throws my way. I have my PSST skills.
SUPPORT, LOVE AND NEVERTHELESS - Summary Dec 11 PSST Meeting in Wexford
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, December 17, 2010
Recovery in Progress - Building a Super PSSTeam Part II
The turnout for PSST’s Seventh Anniversary / Holiday Celebration in Wexford was terrific.
We had Val, Lloyd and Rebecca from Allegheny County Juvenile Probation, Kathie, Jocelyn and Justin from Wesley Spectrum and 13 amazing parents
Together we continue to build a Super PSSTeam.
The 13 parents representing 10 families are known here on the blog as Jim & Cheryl, Mary, Lindy Lou, Jessica, Angela & Tony, Becky, Daisy, Max, Jane and Sally & Rocco,
FIRST BREAKFAST: We started our PSST 7th Anniversary / Holiday Celebration an hour early with an wonderful variety of cakes, cookies, Jello salad, Humus and pita chips and more. We had time to greet each other and socialize before the start of the meeting.
Thanks to everybody for the treats and the good company.
LET’S TALK
We began the meeting with an introduction by everyone in attendance:
Jane has a son Elroy who is about to turn 18. His drug of choice is marijuana and probably some alcohol and K-2.
His hearing on possession charges was delayed for a week. He was detained in Shuman Juvenile Center because Jane told the court that he could not return home to wait for his next hearing. She said this because Elroy was not ready to accept that he had an addiction problem, he would not attend his Outpatient Program, he skipped school and he stayed away from home on weekends.
Jane is waiting to read her letter at Elroy’s hearing explaining why her son needs help. To read it Click on “Victim Impact Letter”
She visited Elroy at Shuman on Friday night and said it was a draining experience. He talked continuously about nothing but “YOU’VE GOT TO GET ME OUT OF HERE!” Jane held up pretty well but asked if we had any suggestions for her Saturday visit. See the Role Play later on in this post.
UPDATE: To see Elroy’s apparent turn-around see Jane’s latest post “Visit '2' with Elroy”.
Jane, thanks for taking the time to share your stories with all of us and showing everyone what we mean to be the “New Sherriff in Town” at home.
Max was celebrating her own first anniversary of becoming a PSST Parent! She attended her first PSST Meeting at Wexford one year ago this weekend. She came to talk about her two sons, David and Michael. They were turning her and Mel’s lives into chaos (that we are all familiar with) with their drug use and other out-of-control behavior.
Click on any one of Max’s Post to read where she was last year at this time:
Max and Mel’s Terrible Adventure
Max and Mel’s Terrible Adventure - The Prodigal Son Returns Home
Max & Mel's Terrible Adventure: THE PREQUEL
It has not been an easy year for Max and Mel but they have taken back the power in their home and have seen that Michael and David are getting the help they need and, well, I will let Max tell The Rest of The Story…
…With the help of PSST, Mel and I have stopped enabling (we do not like to admit to ourselves that we were... but we were...) and have regained control of our home, and enjoy our lives. We work as a team. We are a united front, and I don't feel so frightened anymore. We actually laugh quite a bit, and are able to joke about our situation, which is far from being over. We will always be sad about the loss of our dreams, of what we hoped our child would be like when he grew up. But we no longer blame ourselves or our parenting. We did everything we knew how to do - we just didn't know what else there was! If only we had known about PSST before Michael went to high school... 
Happy Anniversary Max! Thanks for being such a big part of PSST.
Editor’s Note: We are very happy to announce that Max has accepted our invitation to become the third parent editor of the PSST Blog.
Daisy is a single mom with a 15 year old son, Ozzie, in an Inpatient Recovery Program. He now has been clean for over 90 days because Daisy also stood up in court.
Ozzie has been doing really well and so has Daisy. Her Tuesday with Ozzie almost took a bad turn because of his insistence that he “needed” a cigarette. Daisy used her best PSST power words and phrases and he was still wearing her out. But being a PSSTough Mom, Daisy refused to give in and told her son no cigarettes.
Later in the week Ozzie called to ask his mom if she was coming for their regular Saturday visit. Daisy said she wasn’t sure if she could handle another visit like they had Tuesday. Ozzie promised her that she didn’t need to worry because he would only bug her for cigarettes on Tuesdays.
Thanks for continuing to share your story with us Daisy. You have shown us all how well a determined PSSTough Mom, can work for our teens
Becky’s 16 year old son Syd is currently at a halfway house and things are going well. Her husband Tom took advantage of Syd’s placement and the weather to take some time out and do some skiing. When your teen is in placement remember to detach.
When you make the decision to detach, it does not mean that you love your child any less. It means that you accept that you are not the most qualified person to help your child in their recovery. It means that you can no longer “fix” their problems or handle the constant struggles that come with it.
To “Detach With Love” means that you choose to live a healthy life. In order for your teen to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them (that needs to change); they need to be able to see something that is “right” about you.
Take responsibility for yourself, your life and everything within you. You only have control over your feelings, emotions and actions. You need to be healthy in order to become a role model for your troubled teen.
“Detaching with Love” is one of the most loving steps you can do for yourself, your family and your child.
Thanks for becoming part of PSST Becky; we appreciate you and Tom’s input at the PSST Meetings and hope things continue to go well for you.
Angela and Tony have a daughter Samantha whose choice of drugs has been marijuana and has used K2 and alcohol. She has been placed into an Inpatient Recovery Program. They too are taking advantage of thier daughter's placement to enjoy the peace and quiet at home while they know that their teenager is safe away from the people, places and things that enabled her.
Tony expressed his frustration with the apparent lack of concern / urgency of the schools and communities to address the teenage drug problem. It is a major problem that we PSST Parents all share concerns about. There are some schools that are addressing the issues more than others. Some districts have gone as far as placing a Probation Officer in the school. Unfortunately there a lot of uninformed parents who do not want their school district’s, and especially their teen’s, problems made public.
Angela and Tony, we are glad to have you as PSST Parents and look forward to working with you on these issues.
Jessica continues on her roller coaster ride of her 16 year old son’s recovery. Herman, has been home from his inpatient recovery program for a few weeks and, like most of our teens, is having a hard time accepting a lack of freedom, a lack of power and, quite frankly, that he has a drug problem.
Jessica told us that Herman has “decided” that he does not need a recovery program or the associated restrictions because he does not have an addiction problem. This called for a meeting with her husband Roger and Herman’s P.O. The meeting didn’t go the way that Jessica had hoped for and Roger decided that it was best to take the “Give him enough rope to hang himself” approach with Herman. But the worst part for Jessica was to have Herman leaning back in his chair grinning at her.
She had hit the bottom of the roller coaster and was not feeling that she could take any more. She wondered if she should back down and let it go?
She decided it was time to get going. She put on her running shoes and her iPod and hit the road to run her way to some stress relief.
Signs come to us all throughout our lives. They usually come when we least expect it and in ways that we don’t expect it. Sometimes we miss them, sometimes we are just too busy to bother but sometimes it hits us like a ton of bricks. As Jessica was getting into her run it came to her…
“I won't back down no, I won't back down, you could stand me up at the gates of hell but I won't back down…”
…Her sign came to her from her iPod in the form of Tom Petty…
“…Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around and I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
gonna stand my ground and I won't back down.
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out hey I will stand my ground and I won't back down
Well I know what's right, I got just one life in a world that keeps on pushin' me around but I'll stand my ground and I won't back down.
Hey baby there ain't no easy way out hey I will stand my ground and I won't back down.
No, I won't back down”
DISCLAIMER :
All Tom Petty - I Won't Back Down lyrics, artist names and images are copyrighted to their respective owners. All Tom Petty - I Won't Back Down song lyrics restricted for educational and personal use only.
Jessica agreed. She would not back down. She would do whatever she had to, to help her son get the help he needs…
…Stay tuned as the roller coaster ride continues!
Hang in there Jessica, don’t back down, your friends at PSST are here to support you.
Lindy Lou’s 18 year old son Drew has attended in-patient and outpatient programs over the last year and one half. He was doing well, going to school and holding down a part time job.
He recently had a hearing in which his mom stood up for him and told the court that he was ready for the next step and to end his juvenile probation. The court agreed.
Drew is now having some continued problems that they are dealing with.
Good luck Lindy we are always here when you need to talk.
It was good to see Maria, another one of our PSST Super Moms. She worked hard to get her son Ernie the help he needed to get into his recovery. She did this without much help from her ex-husband Bert.
Ernie has done very well following an inpatient recovery program followed by a stay at a halfway house this spring. He has a full time job, is successfully working his 12 Step program, attending meetings and encouraging other young men. Unfortunately, despite his success he has cut off all communication with Maria. She has tried to contact him but he has not returned her calls yet.
But Maria is sure that she would do it all again to save her son’s life.
It was so good to see you again Maria. You have always been an inspiration to rest of your friends here at PSST. You did the right thing and hopefully Ernie will realize it in his time.
Jim and Cheryl have a 17 year old son Andy who is in his second inpatient recovery program. They have done well helping their son with his recovery. They have worked out a lot of their issues by trial and error but now that they are attending PSST meetings we will try to give them encouragement and support as they go through their recovery as a family.
While our teens are at an inpatient facility it is time to rest and recuperate from the chaos that they created. But the teen eventually needs to return home. Once they come home they will face the same negative influences that got them into substance abuse in the first place. So they’ll need ongoing support and counseling to keep them on track and sober, sometimes lasting months or years.
Don’t ever think that a treatment program or rehab is a “cure.” It’s just a fresh start down the road to recovery.
Thanks for sharing your story and being part of PSST Cheryl and Jim. You have your son in a good place now take some time to heal the family.
Alcohol and drug abuse is a family problem, and recovery is a family process.
When you welcome your teenager back into the family following treatment for alcohol or drug abuse, you need to be prepared for the changes that lie ahead for the whole family.
Click on the word RECOVERY for more on these tips from Phoenix House about what to expect and how to cope with the changes in your family life after your Teen completes treatment:
1. Expect a Transition - When your teen returns home after treatment, the entire family undergoes a transition process.
2. Aftercare Programs and Meetings (Not just for your teen, you need them also) - Many families it difficult to understand why recovery takes up so much of the person’s time and some family members may even feel neglected. Have patience — it will pay off in the long-run.
3. Establish New Rules - Rules are the cornerstone of the family recovery process.
4. Roles and Responsibilities - This change in the family routine can be stressful at first. Don’t worry — it will get easier. PSST can Help.
5. Communication is key - Conversations can be unsettling and unfamiliar at first. But open communication can help to solve problems and conflicts and, in the long-run, create a healthy home environment. Remember – No Secrets
6. Showing Affection – This one may take time. There usually is a lot of hurt and loss of trust with teen alcohol and drug abuse. But as a family you need to work out a way to express your love and care in a way that makes everyone feel comfortable.
7. New People, Places and Things - Your teen will have learned to avoid people, places and things associated with his or her drug abuse. This will affect your social life as a family and will cause some conflicts.
8. Your Feelings - Alcohol and drug abuse affects the whole family. Your feelings are important too. Make time for yourself, and talk to trusted family or friends (or PSST) about your experiences.
9. Support Groups – Support groups are us at PSST. Look for specialized groups for families of substance abusers in your area. In addition to PSST there is Nar-Anon and Outreach Teen And Family Services in Mt Lebanon
10. Family Counseling - A good counselor can help families cope with stress and changes in family dynamics.
11. Relapse Warning Signs: A ‘relapse’ can be a one-off occurrence or it can last for an extended period of time.
Remember that some teens are not ready to come directly home following their recovery program. Come to our PSST Meetings and discuss the alternatives.
Sally & Rocco have an 18 year old son, Cisco. Cisco’s drug of choice started with marijuana around age 14. He experimented with other drugs and alcohol and moved on to pills.
Cisco is currently at a Juvenile Detention Center waiting for an opening at an adult recovery program.
The good news is that he has been accepted; the bad is that there is not an immediate opening. Sally and I visited him and he is in a good frame of mind but he is getting antsy waiting for the opening.
He asked us if we could talk with his P.O. and his counselor and get transferred to another program while he Is waiting. We explained to him that we have talked to them and none of us have the power to make things happen any faster. We agreed with him that the place he is at is not a great place.
Sally explained that she is really sorry that it is taking so long for him to be transferred. She told him that she never knew it would take this long after he ran away from his other facility the second time.
I reminded him of how much effort it took by all of us to get him a temporary placement and a return to his recovery facility the last time.
Sally, the P.O., the Counselor and I hope that Cisco remembers this the next time he has the impulse to walk away from another recovery program.
For now we know where Cisco is and that he is safe, warm, he looks good with a beard and he is not using drugs. We know that he has 15 or 16 months clean time over the past year and half and we know that Cisco is fighting hard at recovery but that his addiction will fight back whenever it finds the chance.
Thanks to PSST, Sally and I know that we are much better than we were last year at this time, nevertheless, we need to continue as a family to recover one day at a time.
I know that I am biased but, since Lloyd has given me full editing privileges here on the blog, I would like to honor Sally with the PSSTrophy for all she has done for our family, for PSST and for her knitting circle of teenage girls at Ridgeview.
You are the best Sally, thanks.
ROLE PLAY
We had time for one role play this week but we tried it several different ways. We addressed Jane’s issue during her visit with Elroy. That would be son’s nonstop repeated requests to get him out of Schuman Detention Center. This was to prepare her for her visit that night.
We asked Jane to take the role of her son and Max volunteered to play Jane.
The first time Max tried her best PSST skills and did a pretty good job at it and even got in a few agreements with Elroy. But Jane did a good job and countered with the endless request. Sometimes out teens hear nothing but “blah-blah-blah” unless we indicate that they will get their way.
The second time Max told Elroy that if he couldn’t stop and listen that the conversation and the visit was over. When Elroy continued Max got up and left. This is acceptable but does not resolve the issues. Be careful here because at a detention center if you walk out you cannot change your mind and walk back in. Once you walk out you are out until next visiting time. One of the moms suggested going to the vending area to cool off first. But if you really want to walking out is not a bad thing and it conveys the idea that you are in power.
The third time Max repeated the first method but started with giving Elroy permission to get up and go back to his room if he was not happy with what she had to tell him. Max the proceeded with finding some agreements, a few “nevertheless” and added in some “I am not comfortable with you coming homes”. This had a little better effect. As Sally dubbed it “SUPPORT, LOVE AND NEVERTHELESS” (a great bumper sticker by the way).
For the final try Lloyd coached Max on another approach. Max did the usual greeting and Elroy went into his usual rant. This though Max sat and stared blankly at Elroy for a good 2 or 3 minutes (it felt like an hour) without saying a thing.
This had the result of making everyone including Jane feel very uncomfortable. When
Elroy finally asked for his mom’s response she asked him if he was done talking yet and was it her turn. When he started up again she gave him permission to continue until he said everything that he had to say so that she could speak. This happened a few more times until Elroy was worn out and Max could get her point across or at least a chance to talk.
Remember our teens do not hear much unless we agree with them.
Don’t drag your explanations out too long. "It’s like teaching a pig to fly; is generally a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig."
This last method was very effective and reminded us all that we can sometimes say a lot more without saying anything at all.
Remember these PSST Keywords when refocusing and dealing with your teenager ~ Support, Love and Nevertheless.
We all agreed that Jane should get an Special Emmy Award for the portrayal of her son Elroy. She asked over and over and over so much she gave herself and a few others a headache. But that is how our teens can be. Thanks Max for demonstrating all of the different ways to respond to a teen.
Remember it is good to watch but it is best to participate in the role plays. You can have time outs – you can ask a friend – you can poll the group – you can even rewind (something we all wish we could do at home). Most of all remember; we are not here to judge you, we are here to help you.
We had some final discussion for those who needed it and some final comments.
A COUPLE OF LOOSE ENDS
1. Check out your teen’s shoes. When you are searching your teen’s room (as all PSST Parents do), don’t forget to check their shoes. It is one of their favorite places to hide drugs and money. They now manufacture shoes with “stash” pockets in the tongue of the shoe.
2. In addition to drugs hidden in their room, look for things like tubes (i.e. paper towel roles, toilet paper roles, barrels from ink pens, sockets from wrench sets, straws), empty soda bottles made into bongs, dryer sheets, pipes, rolling papers, hollowed out cigars, plastic bagies, tea bag size foil packets labeled as incense, niacin tablets, drug test kits, bottles of urine, Natural Herbal Detox Pills and Drinks I-pods, GPS, digital cameras, any electronics that you were not aware that they had. DO NOT THROW THESE OUT. These are all evidence to be saved. Collect and lock them in a safe place – in the trunk of your car, in your own safe, at a friend or relative’s house, in a file cabinet at work (clearly marked) or if possible with the police.
3. When our kids attend IOP as well as regular 12 step meetings we parents can really get hung up on dropping them off and picking them up. Those codependent feelings start to come creeping around again.
It is hard (I know) to trust you teen to get a sponsor at these meetings and begin to ask for rides. It is even harder to trust them to take the bus to the meetings. Regardless, the alternative is to spend a lot of your evenings getting them to the meetings, reading books, shopping, drinking coffee, knitting, napping and taking walks and then riding them home.
On occasion if you are driving them there it is good take the time to sit in on their 12 step meeting. You get to know your teen and their sponsor and their friends.
4. Cell Phones, Face Book, My Space and I-pods with internet capability are all drug paraphernalia. Do Not hesitate to confiscate them from your teenager.
5. If your teen steals anything from you, your family or your friends do not hesitate to call the police and file charges.
6. If your teen is angry enough to threaten, or attempt, to injure you or family members do not hesitate to call the police and file charges. If needed leave the house and call from a cell phone.
7. If your teen threatens, or attempts, suicide get them immediately to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation. Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Thanks to our Super PSST Pros for putting this program together and being there for us parents.
Thanks again to all who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. When you look around the room you will see a lot of parents nodding in agreement and understanding of where you are coming from.
Note from Rocco: Wow. That was another Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. If I missed anything, anybody, or got something wrong, or you just want to comment please do so at the bottom of this post or send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com 
We would all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents who are learning how to manage their troubled teenagers.
This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday December 18 from 8:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the 666 Washington Road, Mt. Lebanon
PSST is always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
C'mon and join us. You have nothing to lose but a lot of chaos, anxiety and sleepless nights.
Visit '2' with Elroy ~ Written by Jane, A PSST Sheriff
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, December 12, 2010
It was high-noon…time for the show down….there’s a new sheriff in town. I have my holster on, armed with my PSST tools, and ready to do battle. I had practiced and had a dry run earlier in the day. I was ready to “draw” at a moment’s notice. I felt confident that I could fire off a round of “nevertheless”, “you’re right”, “patient listening”, “ask me again”, “I love you”, “I won’t keep your secrets”, and if needed, I could leave that dusty road with my head held high and revisit the challenge on another hot, dusty day. I called my PSST deputies for reinforcement if needed before the appointed time, and knew I had them as back-up should I be wounded in the fight. The spurs on my boots were jingle-jangling as I swaggered down the hallway. Despite my load of “ammunition”, I passed easily through the metal detector as my ammunition was not viewed as “weapons”, but tools from the heart. The clock in the town hall was ticking, it was nearly noon. The bell clanged and my opponent approached. We made direct eye contact, I had my hands near my holster, my heart was pounding………………………..and then my opponent surrendered!!!! “Mom, if I have to go to in-patient I won’t fight it, I am still going to hope for out-patient, but if I have to do in-patient I will. I talked to one of the “dudes” here and he helped me a lot after you left last night. He told me that your mom loves you and she is doing what she feels she needs to do because she loves you”.
Once I was able to catch my breath and get out of the “fight or flight mode”. we were able to have what I felt was a good visit. I was able to give a few doses of “you’re right”, “If asked, I will tell the truth”, and lots of clear “I love you messages”. I was able to clearly state that I would do it all over again. I would stand up in court and state that my son, who I love dearly, needs treatment to save his life. During the conversation several things came up and I was able to hear the bell ringing in my head that said, “Remember, everything doesn’t have to be a teachable moment”. I actually said this out loud and said, “You know what, let’s leave this conversation for another time and talk about something else”. I left the meeting with a little bit of bounce in my swagger, knowing I had done the right thing. I was able to return home, pull off my boots, remove my holster, and lay my head on a pillow that has not had much use in awhile for a decent night’s sleep…..but, not before giving my PSST deputies an update.
Do I think this showdown will not come up again, I am sure it will. Do I think that maybe I was being fed a line? Quite possibly (probably), but nevertheless, we were at least able to spend 45 minutes knee to knee as we sat across the table from each other and maintain eye contact that was not challenging or angry in nature, a big victory from my perspective. A big dose of thanks to my PSST friends who allowed me the time for some much needed support and for offering me the PSST tools to arm my holster!!!!
To read Jane's Victim Impact Letter that she prepared for Court click here.
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Dance ~ A Most Beautiful Form of Art
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, December 12, 2010
Dance is a beautiful form of art. Most dances require strength, agility and coordination. It takes sacrifice and perseverence and long hours of practice before one becomes a terrific dancer. Our PSST Professionals are dancing stars. Take a look at Kathie T. for a moment, or Lloyd or Valerie Ketter. They make their jobs look easy. That is an art...just as a ballerina will stand tirelessly on her toes with a graceful smile upon her face; our PSST Professionals make their jobs look easy. That is an art.
Rocco and I have called upon these people at various times of the day and night and they have always been there for us. There were times when I was very distraught and they would help me through it and help me understand the situation and somewhere along the way (with impeccable timing) they would interject just the right amount of humor.
I have yet to hear them complain. They work tirelessly with a smile upon their face. If I were their only client I would not think this was so astounding but I am not. Case after case they accept the challenge every day.
I know there is a lot of behind the scenes work that never gets talked about, it just gets done. Reports and procedures.
How about Cisco and all of his placements? I have been so occupied with the difficulty of dealing with the fact that he walked out of three places.
Maybe it's time to look closer at the picture. It takes a lot of dance steps to keep finding beds at facilities. Cisco is not that unusual of a case. It takes several placements for many of our children. And Lloyd and Kathie and Val take it in stride. (Like the electric slide!)
Beware of Fake Pot ~ by Lindy Lou, A PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, December 11, 2010
Lindy Lou (a PSST mom) came across this when she was surfing on the web.
It makes sense that since there is one fake marijuana, there will be lots more as creativity and entrepreneurialism are the American way. The source of the K product decides upon whether its a bag of mud covered oregano, or a trip to the ER or morgue. K2 synthetic marijuana has been illegal in Kansas for almost a month and will be banned any day now in Missouri. But demand is too damn high to let legal faux reefer die peacefully, and new products are already on the market.
The United States Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) is using its emergency scheduling authority to temporarily control five chemicals (JWH-018, JWH-073, JWH-200, CP-47,497, and cannabicyclohexanol) used to make “fake pot” products.
This action will make possessing and selling these chemicals or the products that contain them illegal in the U.S. for at least one year.
Click on: "The Good, The Bad and the Not So Bright"
A few midtown locations are selling K3, which advertises itself as an incense not for human consumption. Unlike K2, the new version says on its label that it includes Damiana, a plant native to Mexico, Central America, South America and the Caribbean and rumored to be an aphrodisiac.
SUMMARY DEC 4 PSST MEETING IN WILKINSBURG
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, December 09, 2010
Building a Super PSSTeam
The response for PSST’s Seventh Anniversary / Holiday Celebration in Wilkinsburg was Awesome.
Val and Lloyd led the meeting along with Jocelyn. We had 21 extraordinary parents including two new moms and four veterans.
Together we are building a Super PSSTeam.
The 21 parents in attendance represented 17 families. We know them here on the blog as Violet, Candy, Sally & Rocco, Daisy, Jane, June, Lily, Jessica, Ralph & Alice, Tom & Becky, Marci, Patty, our two new moms Angela and Jennifer, and our 4 veteran PSST parents Lori, Jasmine and Olivia & John (Parents of the Year 2009).
FIRST BREAKFAST: We started our PSST 7th Anniversary / Holiday Celebration an hour early with an wonderful variety of cakes, dips, pastries, soup, shrimp, bagels, cheesecake, strata, fruit and more.
Once we found a couple of working extension cords and set up we had time to greet each other and to socialize before the start of the meeting.
Thanks to everybody for the treats and the company.
I try to keep these posts as concise as possible NEVERTHELESS because of the extraordinary turnout this post is longer than usual.
LET’S TALK: We began the meeting with an introduction by everyone in attendance:
Violet has an 18 year old son Sal who is in a halfway house following two stays at an inpatient facility. Sal had his first Thanksgiving Day at home in a few years and all went well. He had some problems over the weekend.
Next is on Sal’s agenda is his hearing. Violet has filed charges in Juvenile Court on things that Sal did prior to turning 18. If she is successful her son will be on juvenile probation prior to him leaving the halfway house.
Sal’s probation will be one more tool in Violet’s toolbox to help her son work his recovery. Sal is not happy with his mom for doing this and that is okay.
As Violet explained to Sal that “I am holding you accountable for Your actions; I am not holding your actions against you.”
You doing a great job Violet at getting Sal the help he needs and refocusing on your own life and your needs. Thanks for being part of PSST.
Candy and her husband Aaron had the strength to stand up in court several times this summer. They did all they could to see that their daughter Tori was returned to an inpatient recovery program. Tori is doing well in her inpatient program. Tori is thinking about her college plans. Candy and Aaron are feeling a little more comfortable and are thinking about having Christmas with Tori. Like most of our kids, Tori has a way to go in her recovery but she is in a much better place than she was 6 months ago, thnks to her parents.
Thanks Candy for sharing with us and showing everyone what it means to stand up in court, and in life, for your family.
Sally & Rocco have an 18 year old son, Cisco. Cisco’s drug of choice started with marijuana around age 14. He then experimented with other drugs and alcohol and moved on to pills. We visited PSST when Cisco was 15 and felt we didn’t fit in. We tried other counselors and dual diagnosis programs but Cisco’s addiction became worse.
A year later we came back to PSST. For the last 18 months Cisco has been through several recovery programs. We have bought him a lot of clean time and he has progressed but he is not ready to be out on his own yet. He walked away from his latest program last week. Click on "Searching For Cisco – Again" and "Sally's Account of Searching for Cisco" to read about it.
Cisco is currently at Shuman Center awaiting acceptance into another adult recovery program. We visited him and he is once again in a good frame of mind. He cannot explain why he left his last program other than his impulsiveness. He is a bit anxious waiting to be accepted into the new program.
So as I have said before; for now we know where Cisco is and that he is safe, warm and he is not using drugs. We know that he has 15 or 16 months clean time over the past year and half and we know that Cisco is fighting hard at recovery but that his addiction will fight back whenever it finds the chance.
Sally and I know that we are much better than we were last year at this time, never the less, we need to continue as a family to recover one day at a time.
We welcomed a new PSST Mom, Jenifer. She has a 17 year old son we will call Maxwell. Maxwell began using marijuana around age 14. He has shown all of the usual addictive behaviors but his anger problem became a serious issue. Jenifer would like to get him into the proper recovery program that he needs but she is walking on eggshells around her house. As parents of addicts, we tend to “walk on eggshells” to keep peace and order in our lives. Our tiptoeing around at least provides us “the perception” of peace and order in our lives.
Most of our addicts have a need for the power to be the one in control in our homes. Our son Cisco would "play nice" with us as long as it got him what he wanted. But whenever he was challenged he would immediately get loud, aggressive and agitated. This usually had the effect that he wanted. We sympathized, reassured, apologized, commiserated, comforted and encouraged him just as all good parents do. To put it into one simple phrase – “We Enabled him.”
He mastered this game well. The name of the game is “How Many Ways Can I Make my Issues Mom and Dad’s Fault?"
Click on “You Gotta Break a Few Eggs”.
You are on the right path Jenifer. Please keep attending PSST and give us the chance to help guide you down this road of recovery.
We welcomed our other new PSST Mom Angela. Her daughter Samantha is in Shuman Center. Samantha’s choice of drugs has been marijuana and alcohol. She has been in an outpatient recovery program. She has been generally respectful with her mom but has issues in dealing with her dad. Last week she came home late obviously high and was agitated enough that the police were eventually called in. Her test for alcohol and drugs came out negative which leads her parents to believe that she was using a form of K-2 (fake weed).
K-2’s effects are similar to those of marijuana and include paranoia, panic attacks, and can lead to hallucinations, severe agitation, elevated heart rate and blood pressure, vomiting and, in some cases, tremors and seizures. Physiological effects of K2 include increased heart rate and increase of blood pressure.
Until recently K-2 products have been banned in only a few states. As of November 24 the U.S. DEA has enacted an emergency one year ban on the manufacture, sales and use of K-2 type products. The DEA and the United States Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) will research whether these chemicals and products should be permanently controlled. The ban should be in effect by the end of the year.
You are doing the right things Angela. It will be a while before your daughter understands that but that is okay. We hope that you will keep coming back to PSST. We are here to support you.
Daisy is a single mom with a 15 year old son, Ozzie, in an Inpatient Recovery Program. She is one of our Super PSST Moms.
Ozzie had been using marijuana and having anger issues. He was kicked out of his Outpatient Program. He is now in his second inpatient recovery program and has been clean for almost 90 days because Daisy also stood up in court to get help for her son. PSST has enabled us parents to take on the power we need to see that our teenagers receive the help that they need. We appreciate the effort you have made in just a few months Daisy.
Thanks for continuing to share your story with us Daisy. You have shown us all how well Act 53, and a determined mom, can work for our teens.
Jane is a relatively new PSST Mom. Her first meeting was our informal Crazy Mocha Meeting at the end of October. She has a son Elroy who is about to turn 18. He has a hearing this week on possession charges and has addiction issues. His drug of choice is marijuana and probably some alcohol and K-2.
Jane has worked hard to get Elroy started on his recovery. Even though he is facing his hearing Elroy is not ready to accept that he has an addiction problem. He won't attend his Outpatient Program, he has skipped school and he stays out all weekend.
Jane has a letter ready to read at his hearing explaining why her son needs help. Click on “Victim Impact Letter” to see it.
As we have discussed previously it is very important for parents to stand up and voice their concerns to the juvenile probation authorities and in Juvenile Court to make sure that their teenagers get the best care that they can get. Of course our teens will not immediately appreciate us doing this. That is okay!
Jane gets a PSSTrophy for writing an exceptional letter for her son’s hearing and for sharing it with us. It is hard to believe you have only been with PSST for a few months.
June is a single mom with a son Beaver in a halfway house following his Inpatient Recovery Program. June has shared her story on the blog. Click on "Living With Beaver". Beaver is doing fairly well but June feels he might be starting to abuse his freedom that he has earned at the halfway house. This is a good example of why you may want to consider having you teen spend time at a halfway house prior to coming home. Typically teens and parents in recovery have a strained relationship and issues to resolve. Teens need time to work these issues out. Parents need time to reorganize themselves. There are a lot of triggers for a teenage addict returning home; people, places and things. A halfway house is a nice place in between were your teen can still get professional attention, especially when they have a need to act out.
Remember to take some time and refocus on yourself June. You have done a great job with your son’s recovery. You deserve some time out for you. Thanks for sharing with us.
Lily is another single PSST Mom. Her 17 year old son, Bart, has completed his inpatient recovery program, returned to school, has a part time job and earned his Eagle Scout Rank.
Lily demonstrated how well her PSST skills work for other teenage situations.
She suspected that her son was not telling her the truth about where he was one night. When she called to arrange his ride home he asked her to call him 30 minutes before she came to pick him up. Being the Super PSST Mom that she is her alarm bells and whistles went off. Rather than confronting Bart on the phone she showed up ten minutes before the scheduled pickup time. Instead of calling him she knocked on the door of the house where he said he would be. Of course he wasn’t and the parents were confused. His friend offered to call Bart but Lily told him that it was okay she knew where he was.
Lily drove to Bart’s girlfriend’s house and confronted him and his girlfriend. She didn’t stop there. She also talked with the girl’s mother. Lily explained that not only were the two of them alone in the house for a few hours, while the mom was out, but that Bart had lied to her about where he was.
Bart was not happy with Lily’s actions. Lily told Bart that there will be no secrets, no cover-ups and especially no lying in her home. She also let him know that there would be no computer time for him for a time yet to be determined.
Way to go Lily. Good use of parenting power. Please keep on dropping in see us at PSST.
This was Jessica’s third meeting and she has a New Attitude. She has a 16 year old son, Herman, who came home directly from an Inpatient Recovery Program the day after her first PSST Meeting. Fortunately she had been studying the PSST Blog and had attended one meeting before he came home. Jessica and her husband Roger have been on couple of roller coaster rides with Herman; some on the Phantom’s Revenge and some on the Little Dips. They have been working together on their son's recovery and their ride was a little smoother this week.
This certainly is typical for our kids. The better we are at changing our behaviors the more anxious their addiction gets to ambush us. When you least expect it will come out of nowhere. They lie to you, their anger resurfaces, they contact someone they know is bad news, on and on.
Please keep attending PSST meetings and practice how to stay calm, agree with the small things, don’t back down, don’t continue with pointless discussions, and never be afraid to call for help when needed.
You two have done really well in a short time Jessica. We hope that you and Roger keep coming to our PSST Meetings.
Ralph and Alice, Super PSST Parents, have two sons, Norton 19 and Ed 16. Norton has left the state because his recovery and their house rules were both too tough for him to follow. As Ralph pointed out their house rules basically boiled down to stay clean and keep up with your recovery. Norton is welcome to come home when he can follow the rules. Unfortunately there is also an arrest warrant waiting for him. Ed completed his inpatient recovery, is attending the Wesley Spectrum alternative school, participated in some church activities and is participating in his Intensive After Care Program). Their daughter was home for Thanksgiving and was impressed with how much Ed has improved since this time last year.
Even though Ed is doing well with his recovery he is still good at occasionally pushing buttons. As mentioned above as our teen’s addictive behavior does not accept their recovery lying down. It will express itself in different ways. Ed has let Ralph and Alice know that he understands that marijuana is his problem, never-the-less; Ed thinks that he can handle alcohol, when he is 21 of course. That and his desire to contact some old “friends” have set off some triggers for Ralph and Alice.
Fortunately Ralph and Alice are our Champion PSSTwisters and have some good answers for Ed.
You two continue to do the right thing and share it with a bit of humor thrown in. Thanks for being a big part of PSST.
Great question: HOW CAN I BUILD TRUST WITH YOU IF YOU WON'T LET ME OUT WITH MY FRIENDS?!
Lloyd provided a great answer in his post “You’re Grounded Until Further Notice”
Great answer is this: The way you conduct yourself at home will help me to see if you are being responsible. If you are not responsible at home and if you aren't making good decisions at home then there is no reason to think that you would out there.
Acting responsible at home means a lot of things [introduce talking points that you have been wanting to get across, e.g., don't be pushy with the grounding thing- accept it- do your chores- don't have a chip on your shoulder- don't be in touch with unapproved peers while you are grounded- don't be sneaky, etc]
Becky and Tom have a 16 year old son, Syd, in an inpatient recovery program while awaiting his hearing. He admitted that he understands and accepts that he is there because of his behavior. That is an important first step. Another step, while your teen is in an inpatient program, is to discuss the tough issues with them. This is the time to begin working on their home contract and to lay out the new ground rules for their return home. If they are going to act out, or get angry, this is the best time while they are under the care of professionals and away from drugs and alcohol and friends that they use with.
And, of course, the other step is to take time to take care of yourself while you have your home at peace and back to yourselves.
Thanks for becoming part of PSST Becky and Tom; we really appreciate both of you attending the PSST Meetings and hope things continue to go well for you..
Marci was at the meeting with her friend Patti for support. Marcie has a 16 year old son, Chuck, who is awaiting his hearing in juvenile court for possession of marijuana in school.Chuck is attending an Outpatient recovery program and has a P.O. and things are going much better for Marci.
In a few months you have become one of our Super PSST Moms Marci. You have also Patty for being there to support your friend.
Our good friend Lori, an Alumna PSST Mom, came back for the PSST 7th Anniversary Celebration. Lori started with PSST for help when her son Richie was in his mid-teens. They have been through about ten years of recovery together. He has been through several programs. He has not been home for most of the time. Richie lives in Miami were he has finished his college degree and now works full time.
Lori has been one of our more generous contributors to the blog sharing her experiences with other parents so that they know that they are not in this alone and that there is help available.
One of my favorites is “Eight things I wish I had learned sooner about having a child with a drug problem.” This is a must read for anyone reading the blog that is hesitating to reach out for help.
Thanks for your continued support and encouragement and sharing your story with us Lori.
Another good friend and Alumna PSST Mom, Jasmine, returned for the PSST 7th Anniversary Celebration. Jasmine started with PSST in 2005 when her then teenager Gene was getting involved in drugs.She worked with Gene through his recovery. Gene is now in the Army and is on his second overseas tour of duty in Afghanistan.
Thanks for returning to see us again Jasmine. Give your son our thanks for his duty when you write to him. May God watch over him and you.
Olivia and John, PSST Parents of the Year 2009, also joined in our PSST 7th Anniversary Celebration. They started attending PSST in 2007. Their son Jarred is now living on his own and working at a full time job. He lost his license recently due to an underage drinking charge so he moved closer to work so that he can walk.
In 2007 Olivia took the initiative to stand up in court and read a letter to make sure that their son received the proper care that he needed. She said how difficult it was to read that letter because her son was right there listening. As Lloyd noted, he wasn't paying attention because his drug problem was a bit too active for him to pay close attention. Maybe, like so many of our teenagers, he was just used to tuning out parents.
To read her letter click on “YOUR HONOR, TODAY I SPEAK AS A CONCERNED LOVING PARENT...”
You guys are a great example of how to take back the power and work with your son. Thanks for returning to PSST Meetings to share with us. It is great to stay in touch with you.
TIME OUT FOR SECOND BREAKFAST:
So much delicious food, so little time to sample it all. We took a fifteen, well maybe a twenty or twenty-five minute break.
ROLE PLAY
Lloyd asked for some guinea pigs, er, volunteers to try his first annual Christmas Challenge Role Play.
Lloyd would try his best to be one of our disgruntled teenagers. We would play ourselves and make use of our Best PSST techniques on him to show him that we had the power.
We tried it with June, Sally & Rocco, Violet, Ralph (with coach Sally) and John (with coach Rocco). We did the agreeing with small things, nevertheless and regardless, I am not comfortable with that and keeping the discussion short techniques.
It is good to watch, good to coach but it is best to participate in the role plays. Remember you can have time outs – you can ask a friend – you can poll the group – you can even rewind (something wish we could do at home) – and most of all remember; we are not here to judge you, we are here to help you.
We had some final discussion for those who needed it and some final comments.
A COUPLE OF LOOSE ENDS
1. We discussed our teen’s shoes. When you are searching your teen’s room (as all PSST Parents do), don’t forget to check their shoes. It is one of their favorite places to hide drugs and money. They now manufacture shoes with “stash” pockets in the tongue of the shoe.
2. In addition to drugs hidden in their room, look for things like: tubes (i.e. paper towel roles, toilet paper roles, barrels from ink pens, sockets from wrench sets, straws), empty soda bottles (for making bongs), nutmeg, salvia, dryer sheets, deodorizers, incense, pipes, rolling papers, hollowed out cigars, plastic baggies, cigarette packs, tea bag size foil packets labeled as incense, niacin tablets, drug test kits, bottles of urine, Natural Herbal Detox Pills and Drinks I-pods, GPS units, digital cameras, any electronics that you were not aware that they had.
DO NOT THROW THESE OUT.
These are all evidence to be saved. Collect and lock them in a safe place – in the trunk of your car, in your own safe, at a friend or relative’s house, in a file cabinet at work (clearly marked) or if possible with the police.
Click on "What Kinds of Things Are Paraphernalia?"
3. When our kids attend IOP as well as regular 12 step meetings we parents can really get hung up on dropping them off and picking them up. Those codependent feelings start to come creeping around again.
It is hard (I know) to trust you teen to get a sponsor at these meetings and begin to ask for rides. It is even harder to trust them to take the bus to the meetings. Regardless, the alternative is to spend a lot of your evenings getting them to the meetings, reading books, shopping, drinking coffee, knitting, napping and taking walks and then riding them home.
On occasion if you are driving them there it is good take the time to sit in on their 12 step meeting. You get to know your teen and their sponsor and their friends.
4. Cell Phones, Face Book, My Space and I-pods with internet capability are all drug paraphernalia. Do Not hesitate to confiscate them from your teenager.
5. If your teen steals anything from you, your family or your friends do not hesitate to call the police and file charges.
6. If your teen is angry enough to threaten, or attempt, to injure you or family members do not hesitate to call the police and file charges. If needed leave the house and call from a cell phone.
7. If your teen threatens, or attempts, suicide get them immediately to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation. NEVER ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Note from Rocco: Wow. That was another Great turnout! It was also a lot to remember. If I missed anything, anybody, or got something wrong, (that is par for the course) or you just want to comment please do so at the bottom of this post or send your comments to sallyservives@gmail.com
THANKS - LETS DO THIS AGAIN
Thanks to our PSST Pros for putting this ALL together and FOR being there for us.
Thanks again to all who attended this meeting. It was outstanding to see how many concerned parents there are. When you look around the room you will see a lot of parents nodding in agreement and understanding of where you are coming from.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday December 11 from 8:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
Note that we are starting an hour early so we can continue our PSST 7th Anniversary / Holiday Celebration. Feel Free to bring your favorite breakfast/Brunch, dessert or lasagna to share.
PSST is always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
C'mon and join us. You have nothing to lose but a lot of chaos, anxiety and sleepless nights.
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