We have a request by Rocco to cover rules and contracts at our July 3rd meeting. Soon, Cisco will probably be released back home. In preparation for our July 3rd meeting I have some thoughts to share with your on this topic. 
If you have a rule you can't or don't want to enforce, then don't have it. Try to prioritize the important things and then try not to over-control in other areas. Remember, every moment cannot be a teaching moment. There is an art to also relaxing and enjoying your teenager. Try to cultivate that art. Your teen is funny, charming, clever, bold, and caring. Build on his strengths. Are contracts important? Yes, essential, but other things are important too. Find humor. It will heal.
One of the most important things about contracts is that you have to write them down. It's not necessary to write down contracts in all families, but when you have control issues, drug problems, and /or Juvenile Court youth, suddenly writing things down becomes really key.
When sanctioning, use only as much power as necessary to get the teenagers behavior back on track. Power helps you most when you only use it when you have to use it. Use the technique "now" (when possible) to enforce rules without using punishment.
When your teenager balks at the rules that you come up with and/ acts outraged that you dare attempt to write down rules, agree with your teen, "yes, it's true, these rules are really going to be a challenge for you- you might have trouble with this contract." Don't try to defend why you need these rules. Most of them, curfew, get approval for where and with whom you spend time, clean your room are self-explanatory anyways.
We have several posts on rules and contracts. I will post links to two here.
Rules of the Road posted by Ken Thursday, July 19, 2007
Home Contract by Caron Foundation posted Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Rules and contracts
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, June 23, 2010
PSST Fathers: Persevering, Skillful, Supportive & Terrific
Posted by:Sally--Monday, June 21, 2010
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain
I always have to chuckle at Mark Twain's quote on fatherhood. He got it so right..... It is a rare teenager who appreciates his father until he grows up. Never the Less I have seen super terrific dads at PSST meetings.
These terrific fathers share their stories with so much wisdom and sometimes even greater humor than Mark Twain himself. They are not afraid to reach out for the help they need in raising their teenagers and then they turn around and reach out to help others.
Some of us are lucky enough to have one of them as a partner. This added support is something we appreciate beyond measure. Some of them are step-fathers who learn the skills to be a positive force in their step-child's life. Sometimes they come without a partner to gain the skills they need in raising a teen on their own. No matter how they come to PSST - We are so lucky and proud to have them with us.
They persevere and "Fly Above the Storm";
They "Learn to Unlearn" and then pick up new ways of being very skillful at dealing with teenage addicts.
They have enough insight to "Really Listen to their Teen" instead of always talking.
Yes, PSST fathers are "Our Top Dogs".
Persevering - Skillful - Supportive - Terrific
Summary of June 19th PSST Meeting - by "Max"
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, June 20, 2010
A Tale of Three Moms - Summary of June 19th PSST Meeting by "Max"
Today was a great PSST meeting at Outreach Teen & Family Services in Mt. Lebanon, even though there were only 3 moms in attendance. We missed all our usual attendees; NEVERTHELESS, the small number allowed each of us to give detailed updates with lots of helpful insights from Lloyd, as well as many more donuts to choose from.
1. We discussed a mother who made sure her son was placed into an inpatient recovery program despite complications from her ex-husband.
2. We had an update on the progress of two brothers in their recovery program.
3. We finished up with a discussion on a daughter who has relapsed.
One parent brought us up to date on her son's placement at Abraxas. We discussed how complicated and difficult it is for her to have an ex spouse who continually tries to place blame with counter-productive comments. Lloyd helped her to TAKE BACK SOME CONTROL by blocking this block-head's number, and refusing to respond to the negative and most unhelpful comments.
I brought the group up to date with my son Michaels' release from the Academy and immediate entry in to PHP Gateway, and my other son David's release from this same Gateway program, and his upcoming school plans.
Much of today's focus was on a mom and her daughter, who I shall dub Candy and Tori Spelling for anonymity and simplicity purposes only (there is no resemblance whatsoever - its' just a famous mom and daughter combo)!
Candy and her husband Aaron are once again dealing with Tori's drug use. Tori has been in and out of 2 rehab programs, always doing well initially, but too quickly falling back into using.
Tori just graduated from high school, which was a big accomplishment due to this up and down school year, and all the celebrations that Candy and Aaron were so anxious to participate in was clouded over by Tori's most recent drug use, hence, non compliance with her home contract. Candy and Aaron are NOT enablers; even though it pained them, they showed Tori the door, and changed the locks. Tori is now couch surfing and partying, but her money is running low. Everyone is worried and sad, especially because a big family trip is to take place soon. Should Tori be allowed to come? What if she doesn't show up? What if she comes and ruins everyone's time? What if she goes through withdrawal while everyone is sitting in the sun, relaxing? What if she tries to bring drugs and gets screened at the airport? These and other questions were discussed by the group, facilitated thoughtfully by Lloyd.
It was time for a role-play.
Candy agreed that she and Aaron really want their daughter to join them on vacation -hopefully they would bond over the week and have some much needed fun together, which in turn would help them set the stage for serious discussion about the future when they got home...Lloyd suggested a contract of expected behavior on the trip. If Tori really wants to go, she will take the contract to heart, and try to comply. If she fears she cannot live up to the expectations, she will screen herself out, but not before her parents express their sincere desire for her to be with them:
Candy: (showing up unexpectedly at Tori's workplace) Hi, honey, how are things going?
Tori: what do you care - why are you here?
Candy: Well, I just wanted to stop by (the goal is to be brief and business-like) to remind you that our trip is in 2 weeks; we know there are family issues (talking in generalities so Tori doesn't get defensive and rage at her mother) and it's been tough lately. NEVERTHELESS, we wanted you to know that Dad and I love you very much, and we really want you to come with us on vacation.
Tori: I don't believe you - you are just trying to control me again like you always do.
Candy: Tori, you're right, I am controlling about certain things. (STOP TALKING! LET TORI MAKE THE NEXT MOVE!)
Tori: well, are you going to be psycho-mom and follow me around?
Candy: (LAUGH! ADD HUMOR!) You are so right about that! I do act like "psycho-mom" sometimes! The best part about that though, is I will be psycho-mom in a bathing suit on a beach at the ocean!!
Tori: You are so not funny. I can't stand all your rules. I suppose you are going to have a curfew for me there too!
Candy: You are right again - (pulls out a very simple, brief and to the point contract of expectations while on vacation) Dad and I wanted you to have a copy of our family vacation rules, so there would be no misunderstanding of what we expect; remember, we will be in a foreign country with another family!
Tori: (glancing at the contract) this totally sucks! I'm 18 now, I can drink legally there - are you going to try and stop me?
Candy: Tori, Dad and I are going to trust you on this one (Throwing Tori a huge curveball - telling her they will trust her to follow the rules!). As I said, we really want you to come - we just wanted to let you know what the rules will be. If you are coming, and we hope you do, please be home to pack and do laundry no later than Thursday - we don't want to miss that plane!
STOP TALKING AND LEAVE - Tori needs to sit with this surprising turn of events that caught her off guard. Candy and Aaron have accomplished many things in this conversation.
They have agreed with Tori almost every time she speaks.
They have expressed their love for her and expressed an honest desire to reconnect and have some family fun.
They also told her in as few words as possible, that if she comes she must follow rules of no drugs, alcohol and respect curfew and family time.
Tori will have to think twice before responding. Assuming Tori does desire to go on this trip and reconnect with her family, she has been made aware, in writing, of expectations. No one discussed what will happen if she doesn't comply - Candy and Aaron will want time to explore their options, and shouldn't give an answer to "what if I don't..".
If Tori passes on this trip, it will be painful, but no one is telling Tori she shouldn't come; Tori is taking herself out of the vacation.
If Tori opts out, we suggested to Candy that perhaps she could find a trusted friend of Tori's with whom she can exchange texts or calls just to check in - Candy and Aaron deserve to relax on this trip!!
Our sincere thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. Outreach Teen & Family Services is a community resource for young people and their families, fostering emotionally healthy teens by providing counseling and educational programs in a welcoming and supportive environment.
The next meeting is scheduled for Saturday July 3rd 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.
Please check the blog for updates.
Letter to the Judge by a concerned PSST parent.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, June 19, 2010
At our meeting in Mt. Lebanon today one of our parents offered to share this letter that she gave to the Judge at her son's hearing. Her son continues in inpatient treatment for mental health/ drug abuse treatment. This is a reacurring theme at PSST: the system works best when parents stand up and advocate for the services that their teenagers need.
March 1, 2010
William is my only son, and it goes without saying that I love him and only want what is best for him. Over the past few weeks and months, his irrational behavior has escalated to the point where I have feared for his own safety as well as my own and others. His father expressed a concern to “keep an eye on William because I am afraid he is going to hurt himself”.
I face daily constant defiance; lack of respect, abusive language and at times an uncontrollable anger and rage that usually culminates in some form of physical destruction to my home. Any attempt to reprimand his actions or control him only escalates his anger to sometimes-frightening proportions.
Within the past month I have had the opportunity to consult with many behavioral authorities in various professions. Their opinions of his mental and emotional instabilities have reinforced my own feelings that William is in extreme need of professional mental health care, such as he would receive in a therapeutic residential facility.
I would only be comfortable bringing him home after his mental health issues are addressed.
Editors note: read an earlier posted letter to the Judge that a PSST parent read at her son's hearing: Your Honor, today I speak as a concerned and loving parent...
Let’s Do the Twist – A Summary of the June 12 PSST Meeting.
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, June 18, 2010
Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 10 parents representing 8 families. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some new parents again.
Each of us had an opportunity to talk over our own situation and issues. We discussed teens that twist things around on their parents, teens that may be “experimenting” with drugs, spouses that obstruct our efforts to get help for our teens, teens that turn to alcohol, teens that are about to go into an inpatient recovery program and teens that are about to come home from an inpatient recovery program. We also went over some ways that we can get our point through to our teen without prolonged discussions, outbursts or arguments.
We would like to recognize a very special grandmother who joined us. She has dedicated her life to intervening for her children and grandchildren. She has certainly dealt with all of the above issues and more. Now she is dealing with recently telling her granddaughter that it would be best if she didn’t return home following her inpatient recovery program. This grandma is wise enough to know that there will be too many familiar triggers for her granddaughter to relapse at home. Her strength and dedication to her family is a tremendous inspiration to us all at PSST. Thank you for coming back and sharing with us. It was good to see you again.
Following is a synopsis of our three role plays. Please note that these are not supposed to be actual transcripts. But if I missed some part or idea please feel free to add a comment below.
Our first role play gave us a new twist on how to deal with our teen when we have a less than cooperative spouse.
If your spouse is not cooperating or is part of the problem; here is a way to handle the situation.
First, have a talk with your spouse when your teen is not there. Explain how you intend to handle the situation. This gives your spouse a chance to get on board. If the spouse still disagrees with what you say or does not want to cooperate; Try the following:
In this role play, the mom is the Concerned Parent, the dad is Mr. Uncooperative and the teen is named Jonnie.
Mom: (Looks directly at the teen. Even though Mr. Uncooperative is standing right at the teen’s side do not even look at him. Focus on the child.) “Jonnie, let’s keep this short. I know that you don’t like long lectures.”
Jonnie: “You got that right! All you ever do is blah, blah, blah, blah…”
Mom: “You know something, you’re right. Sometimes I do go on too long. So I will keep it short. You have missed two days of school. You WILL get up on time tomorrow. The alarm is set for 7:30 a.m. If you are not up by 7:40 I am going to pour cold water on your head to get you up for school.”
Dad: (laughs and mocks mom) “You can really act crazy sometimes dear!”
Mom: (Do not even acknowledge Mr. U. Keep your cool and do not break eye contact with your teen.)
Jonnie: “Dad is right, you ARE crazy mom. We are doing jack shyt at school now because it is the end of the year.”
Mom: (Stay focused, lean a little closer to your teen and say in a calm, firm voice.) “Regardless Jonnie, you need to be up at 7:40 a. m. to catch the bus on time. If you are not up and out of bed by 7:40 I am pouring cold water on your head.”
Dad: “Let the kid alone. No wonder he is so nervous. You make everybody nervous with all your dumb rules. Everybody skips out on a few days at the end of the year.”
Jonnie: You’re nuts. I will call Youth Services on you. I’ll have them arrest your a$.
Mom: (keeping eye contact with Jonnie only) “Never the less, you have been warned about tomorrow. (Still focusing on her teen) Your father is wrong. You will get up on time and you will go to school tomorrow. This discussion is over. Do you have any questions before I go?”
Jonnie: “Sh-y-t no.”
Mom: “Okay Jonnie, thanks for listening (Be the first to walk away).”
Mom: (calmly and directly) “Pebbles I can’t find my widget. Do you know where it is?”
Pebbles: “Sure always blame me first! Did you even ask Jonnie? Why would I even want your stupid widget?”
Mom: (lean towards your teen) “Listen Honey, I don’t want to waste a lot of your time. I know you are angry because we won’t let you go to Wilma’s party. Just tell me where my widget is so we can get this over with.”
Pebbles: “Well it IS really stupid that I can’t go to Wilma’s party. What’s your problem anyway? She has been clean for almost a month. Her mom said it is okay.”
Mom: (do not take the bait) “We already discussed the party thing, Pebbles, that subject is closed. Now get me my widget so we can both get back to what we were doing.”
Pebbles: “Even if I knew where your stupid widget was I wouldn’t tell you.”
Mom: (stay calm and lean in a little more) “Well let me make this clear. I need my widget and I need it NOW. Either I get my widget or (insert an appropriate consequence here that you know you can go through with).”
The important theme here is to calmly stick to your point, clearly state what you want. If your teen will not cooperate spell out a consequence, stick to your word and end the conversation quickly.
We discussed how some of us will sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that we can magically convince our teen to see our side if we just talk long enough. In reality after a few minutes our teens are in “Charlie Brown Land” and all they hear from us is “Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla…”
Counselor: So how are things going this week? (Wilma studies her nails)
Mom: “Pretty well mostly. Wilma does not like going to her meetings but she made one. She is still not doing all that well at school. I arranged for her to be tutored after school but she has been skipping it a lot.”
Counselor: “How are things going at home?”
Wilma: (Wilma does a big eye roll) “Same as always. Things will never change because she won’t change. I work my a$$ off in my program and all she does is b--ch at me. She has no idea how hard it is. She will never change.”
Mom: “Well Wilma has a hard time getting up on time for the bus in the morning and I usually need to ride her to school late. I don’t think she even considers that it makes me late for work. And it’s mostly because she is on her cell phone until 1:00 o’clock in the morning. I keep telling her to get off the phone and shut off her music and get some sleep but I might as well bang my head on the wall. Also, I have asked her to stop hanging around with her friend Pebbles. I don’t think Pebbles is a good influence…”
Counselor: (Looking away from Mom) “What do you think Wilma. Are you having trouble getting up.”
Wilma: “Well, yeah! Her and Dad drive me crazy. They like have all of these lame rules and they are like always yelling at me. They call me a stupid addict. They are, you know, like the main reason that I feel like using. They drive me f---ing crazy. They will never get it. I hang out with Pebbles ‘cause like she is like the only one who understands me. We really need each other to talk to ‘cause like her Mom is like psycho too. So I am on the phone trying to calm her down and this b—ch is like in my face screaming at me to get off the phone, and like Pebbles is talking about running away or something. It is always the same bullsh-t with those two.”
Counselor: “Wow, it sounds like you had a really rough week.”
This is where we as parents usually want to blow up on the counselor and our teen and twist both of their necks. But this is where it is time for Mom to do the TWIST!
Mom: “You know something honey you really do have it rough. It is true that sometimes with my job and taking care of your brother and sister and everything else I forget to tell you how much I appreciate your situation. And I am going to try to change. I am going to pay closer attention to what you are doing and who you are hanging around with.”
Wilma: “Yeah sure we’ll be like best friends, huh? You’ll just keep yelling at me like the crazy b—ch that you are.”
Mom: (leaning closer to her teen) “No honey. I don’t want to be your best friend. I want to be your mom. And you are right, I do need to change. I really need to stop worrying so much about hurting your feelings and work more on stopping you from hurting yourself. I think that we can start by taking away your cell phone. And then Dad and I will need to come up with a good set of rules in our house. Thanks for helping me see what a b—ch I have been. But you know honey (lean in a little closer) I will try my best not to raise my voice any more. But I will continue to be a crazy b—ch if that is what it takes to keep you clean.”
Sally and I have found that the more we practice role-plays the better we are at thinking on our feet when confronted by our teen. When we both react quickly and consistently we keep the power.
Remember our two favorite words NEVERTHELESS and REGARDLESS. Try to get BUT totally out of your vocabulary. Or as one of my favorite people loves to always remind me “Everything you say after the word BUT is BS.”
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents next Saturday, June 19 at the PSST meeting at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (There is free parking in the back lot).
Gratitude for My Sons Recovery by a Grateful Father
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Last week I was thinking about all the positive changes that happened in my life in the past year. I am very grateful that my son is back in my life and grateful for his recovery. I called my son’s PO, Lloyd Woodward to thank him for his help and support. Lloyd asked me to write about my experiences with my son on the PSST website because other parents dealing with their teen’s addiction need to hear a successful story. Due to confidentially, I will refer to my son as Stevo.
Even though Stevo’s mother and I separated when he was young, Stevo visited me on weekends and during the summer. We were close and had a good relationship. I became aware of Stevo’s drug abuse when he was 14. The police came to my home to notify me that Stevo was caught smoking weed at the skate board park and that he was no longer allowed at the park. Stevo lost privileges and I lost trust. He visited less and less at my home, and eventually the visits stopped all together. Stevo began running away as his drug use took over his life. I had no contact with him for about a year and a half. During that time I had no peace of mind. I could not be happy because I did not know what was happening with my son. I know how addiction can take over you life because I am in recovery. I also knew that his drug use would eventually cause him trouble with the law or worse.
Last spring, I received a letter from the Pyramid Ridgeview Treatment Facility that Stevo was in their program. I tried to contact him there but was unable to obtain any information. I hired an attorney to help me track him down. The attorney put me in touch with Stevo’s PO, Lloyd Woodward. I was very relieved that Stevo was safe, in treatment and in the system. I met with Lloyd at his office. I was totally honest with Lloyd about my current situation, addiction and recovery. He allowed me to write Stevo who by then was in a court ordered placement at Abraxas. My letter was returned unopened. I then contacted Stevo’s therapist at Abraxas and was permitted a 6 hour visit with Stevo. I was very surprised with the change in his appearance. He was taller, heavier, and covered with tattoos and piercings. When we hugged it was the best I felt for the passed 3 years. That visit went well but when the time came for the next visit, Stevo had runaway. When he was picked up 16 hours later, he had cut his wrist and was facing additional charges. Abraxas gave him a second chance and he was allowed to remain in their program. The visits continued and slowly Stevo began filling in the blanks about his activities during the years we were apart.
During the visits I tried to keep him focused “on leaving the past in the past”, “doing the next best thing” and “moving forward”. His attitude started to change which was the first step in his recovery. He was able to admit he had a problem and had no power over it. He became more respectful and showed gratitude for the chance to change his life. Towards the end of his stay at Abraxas, Stevo was permitted two weekend visit to my home which went very well. Even though I believed Stevo was ready to be discharged to my home, PO Woodward recommended to the court that Stevo be step-downed to the Liberty Station Halfway House.
Stevo initially had difficulty accepting his placement at Liberty Station. His behavior was up and down. He did successfully complete his GED while there and became involved in the Life’s Work Program. At the end of January he was successfully discharged to my home. I made a commitment to PO Woodward that I would support Stevo by making sure he completed 90 Recovery Related Activities in 90 Days. Stevo did more than the 90 Activities. He attended the Intensive Outpatient Program at the Irene Stacy Center 3 time a week for 3 hours a day and voluntarily extended his time there. He and I attended N/A Meetings together and at times had to walk several miles in the snow to get there.
WOW - I am grateful that I was able to reconnect with my son. I am surprised how far we have come in the past year. I now trust Stevo. I am no longer worried that when he goes out that he will not come back. He stays away from the people, places and things that will cause him to relapse. Our conversations still focus on “doing the right thing” and “not picking up”. I have less fear now and more hope for the future. The fears I still have are that of any parent of a 17 year old. Things are not perfect of course. I would like Stevo to find a job that he likes and we are still working on “accepting life on life’s terms.”
I am grateful for all the support Stevo and I have received from PO Woodward, and his Supervisor Val Ketter, Abraxas, Liberty Station, Life’s Work and the family therapists from WSS.
A TIME TO COME HOME, A TIME TO STAY HOME, A TIME TO LEAVE HOME - SUMMARY OF THE JUNE 5 PSST MEETING
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, June 06, 2010
We had a really encouraging turnout and a good time at this week’s PSST meeting in Wilkinsburg.
Kathie and Lloyd led the meeting. We had 12 parents including 4 dads. We were happy to have a nice mix of familiar faces as well as some new parents. We were especially glad to meet one dad (who has been actively involved in his teens’ recovery) who took time away from running the family business to attend.
Sally and I were told years ago at an elementary school meeting on self esteem: “Your child has a big advantage in their life because you cared enough to attend this meeting.”
Although your son or daughter may be in a “bad place” right now they have a “big advantage” in their life because you cared enough to attend a PSST meeting. More than likely they will not grasp the “big advantage” concept and in all probability resent that you go to “those meetings where you are misled by that crazy dude.”
NEVERTHELESS they are in a better place because you do care enough to try to save their life.
Each of the parents had an opportunity to discuss their own situation and issues. We talked about how we can handle our troubled teenagers that are at home, our teenagers that are about to return home and about when it is time to tell our teen that it is time to leave home.
Each of these is a tough situation.
If our troubled child is living at home we need to give them clear rules on how they are to behave and what is expected of them. Next we need to provide specific consequences if they break the rules (consequences that we know that we can follow through with). This can be as simple as taking away privileges, cell phones, computer access and i-pods or as serious as having charges filed against them. If we suspect drug or alcohol use (click on the “TIME TO ACT!” link at the top right side of the PSST Blog) one of the key things they will need to agree to is random drug testing. When you come to a PSST meeting we can explain where you can get the various test kits at a reasonable price.
If our child has left home and is asking to come back home we must insist on their agreement to the same rules and consequences as above. Written contracts are a big help here. One of the rules should be that, prior to their return, they need to enter a treatment program and be professionally evaluated. This is probably one of the hardest things to stick to. They will always promise to enter the program after we allow them to come back home. They must enter the program first.
If our teen is in an inpatient recovery program they will be constantly insisting on why they should be home. Before they come home for good try a few home passes if offered. See Lloyd’s post on Home Passes below this one. The basic theme of the Home Pass should be: the child’s home time is to be spent with you and your family. This should be time to begin to reconnect and heal our relationships. It should not be a time to have friends over, talk to friends on the phone or on the computer. Very important: Do not be afraid to share with their counselors how the visit went – good or bad. This will help them in their evaluation of your teen.
If our teen is about to complete their inpatient recovery program and return home; Congratulations! Now spend the last few weeks while they are still in the program getting your family ready for their return. Follow the same rules above about setting clear rules, expected behaviors and consequences. Be strong and insist on the terms being spelled out in a written contract. Do not expect your child to readily agree to all of the terms. That’s okay. If they are going to act out then let them do it while they are in their program and they are under the care of professional counseling. Remember that the terms of their contract can be modified by you at any time depending on their behavior – good or bad.
And then we have the case of our child acting out at home and it's time to go. Our child will not follow our rules, refuses counseling and may be using. They may or may not have completed a recovery program. The time to act is NOW.
If our child is a minor there are options like Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services) or having them placed on probation.
If our child is no longer a minor we need to tell them that it is time for them to leave. They may leave willingly or we may need to engage the local police to escort them out. If necessary get a Protection from Abuse Order. Here is a link to the Allegheny County DA’s web site explaining the PDA - http://www.da.allegheny.pa.us/dv_Protection_From_Abuse_Orders.asp
We always need to consider our safety and the safety of our family first.
If and when they ask to come back home (and if we have left that possibility open) we will need to follow the steps above.
Please feel free to attend a PSST meeting to discuss any of these situations. There is no cost or obligation.
PSST is here to assist and support concerned parents to take the power back, to regain control of their teens, their home and their own lives. The meetings are a place where you can talk openly with professionals and other parents about your own situation. We understand where you are at because we have been in a similar place. You will notice a lot of us nodding in agreement with you.
A note to new parents attending their first PSST Meeting: The first meeting may seem a bit overwhelming and you might feel a little uncomfortable. That is okay. Sally and I felt that way when we attended our first meeting three years ago. We now wish that we would have stuck it out longer. Regardless we were happy to be able to return two years later for our second meeting and find acceptance as well as a lot of support, wisdom and understanding. Our family is now healing, hopeful and heading in the right direction.
We followed up our discussion with two role plays.
The first Role Play concerned insisting on action NOW. From the time our children were toddlers we found that we would have less confrontation and conflict if we picked up their toys, their clothes or cleaned their room. Some of us now employ this method with our spouse or significant other.
IT IS TIME TO STOP LETTING THEM SLIDE, NOW!
Whether it is doing the dishes, taking out the trash, working on their recovery or finishing a job they've started. Whether it is your child, your spouse or significant other; Start insisting that they do (whatever) NOW. Click here to read Lloyd’s March, 2010 post on Who is the big dog at your house? Featured technique: use of "NOW"
As Lloyd notes: DO NOT USE THIS WORD (NOW) unless you really mean it and are prepared to drop everything and stay with your teenager (spouse or significant other) until task is accomplished. No threats are necessary and in fact, threatening at this point might be counter-productive and cause unnecessary resentment.
The second Role Play was a parent introducing a new rule to their unruly teenager. Max really captured the essence of most of our teens here. As our role-play dad did: Go into the discussion prepared. Start off by explaining to the teen that they may not agree with what you have to say. Tell them that they may not even like it. Clearly and simply state the rule. Explain the consequences. Don’t expect your teen to think that your rule is “just swell”. Do your best not to get into a prolonged discussion or debate on the rule. If your teen protests how hard that the rule will be to follow be sure to take the opportunity to agree with them – “You’re Right! It will be hard at first.” – and even attempt to get in a compliment – “I’m glad that you're smart enough to understand that and I know that you're mature enough that you can do it if you try.” End the conversation as quickly as possible and walk away.
After the meeting a couple of us discussed suicide threats.
Both suicide threats and attempts should always be taken very seriously.
The threat of suicide can be frightening enough to cause some parents to “walk on eggshells” and to give their child whatever they want.
PLEASE NOTE: Even if you feel that your child’s suicide threat is nothing more than a manipulative tactic you need to IMMEDIATELY take them to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation.
If they are truly suicidal they will receive the help they need. If the child was merely using the threat as a manipulative tactic to get their way, the trip to the E.R. and the evaluation will tend to discourage them from using this as a tactic in the future.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday June 12 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon in and join us.
Our PSST meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
Have a home pass or off grounds pass with teen in placement?
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, June 05, 2010
At our well attended meeting this morning (12 parents with five new faces), Ralph Kramden (pen name) mentioned that there is a post on the blog about home passes from institutions, "but you have to dig for it." I'm happy to hear when someone mentions that they have found something of value on our blog. I'm going to put some links to the posts that I find that I believe are relevant to home passes.
Home Pass From the Institution or Oooops you're a quart low. Actually, this was posted April 5th 2010 and it also has a link to the one below:
Preparing for a six-hour Home Pass.
Home Pass from Institution: Ten things to keep in mind. This one may be the one to which Ralph was referring.
And one related post that is not entirely about home passes but is relevant: Feeding the Enemy.
One of the things that we don't talk about much at our meetings is the need to listen to your teenager. I know, I know, if you were at today's meeting most of us agreed that what teens say is mostly bull or posturing for more power. We encourage the use of power words like "nevertheless" and "regardless."
The problem is, at a meeting there is so much to say and so little time. Some times, the best thing you can do is listen to your teenager. Listen carefully and well. Find a thing to really agree with them about if can, but let them know that you are listening. Don't say, "I understand" because the person who says that rarely really understands. Just admit that you are having trouble understanding; that it is hard to put yourself in their situation, but that you are trying to understand- that is always so much more convincing.
None of us consider ourselves that simple, that someone can understand us just like that- we think of ourselves as complex so we certainly expect someone to be puzzled at first- admit that- be Peter Faulk for a moment, slap your forehead and tell them you are confused. Of course Columbo always understood, didn't he?
As Ken used to say at our meetings, "Every moment is not a teachable moment." Ken wrote the best thing I think I have ever read on listening and so I have dug it out of the blog and will link to it here: Listening
Remember:
1. To listen well is not necessarily to agree.
2. To listen well does not mean you have to allow yourself to be manipulated.
3. To listen well does not weaken your own position.
4. To listen well increases your power.
5. Sometimes, what you hear is a bunch of horse manure. Still, there is something there that you can underline, reframe or agree with.
6. Teenagers, if you ask them, believe that nobody really listens to them. Therefore, if you really listen, it takes them by surprise. Taking them by surprise, doing the unexpected, can disarm them. Our teens are so powerful that we should disarm them whenever we can.
I mention these things here because if you are going to make goals for yourself for a home pass or for an off grounds visit, I challenge you to go in with your big ears on- there's a lot to listen to and sometimes a lot to be learned from our teens.
If anybody ever feels that they've "gone way back" on our blog and found something good, let me, Sally, or Rocco know and we'll repost it, perhaps with a new comment or two. By the way, if you are interested in certain topics try our search window at the upper left of the blog.
GOT STRESS? - A Court Hearing Followed by a Six Hour Home Pass
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, June 03, 2010
"Stress is simply the adaptation of our bodies and minds to change; and change is about the only constant left in our lives."
It has been a year since Cisco was placed on a Consent Decree and today Cisco was due in court to determine where to go from here. Often when I find myself in this type of a stressful situation and cannot sleep I find writing very therapeutic. So I dare to start off this post with my poem that I wrote when I woke up in the middle of last night.
It is titled: Three O'Clock Thoughts Before a Hearing
Will our lives ever be in place?
Or will our son always be in placement?
Will we live fully in His Grace?
Or are we tied to a chunk of cement?
The cement of society views Cisco as a risk.
They can't tell if he's changed or temporarily fixed.
No one but he knows what is in his heart.
Who knows if he worked out a brand new start?
It boils down to trust and that's a fact.
I want my son home, its as simple as that.
Okay, don't laugh. It is not the best poem but I know a would-be rapper who liked it.
Besides, after I wrote it - I slept like a baby.
After a three hour wait to see the Hearing Officer, things went well. It came down to two choices.
1.) End the consent decree today (which would end the Juvenile Probation services today along with Wesley Spectrum services). Cisco would have to volunteer to stay at Liberty Station until successful completion and have a hearing at a later date on charges including a D.U.I.
2.) Cisco would be adjudicated on a much lesser charge of Disorderly Conduct, Juvenile Probation and Wesley Spectrum Services would continue for an additional six months after the completion of Cisco's stay at Liberty Station. It is possible for Cisco to complete his stay at the halfway house by mid July.
Rocco and I decided we would make a plea for option two. Cisco wanted option one but his dad told him we were going for two. After some discussion and explanation Cisco conceded.
We are so thankful that we had Cisco's P.O. Lloyd there to speak so eloquently on Cisco's behalf. Also Cathy and Kathie of Wesley Spectrum and Tim of Liberty Station were there for support. The hearing officer thoughtfully heard all sides and we walked out of the court room with the lesser charge and our help and support system intact.
By three o'clock Cisco was on his six hour pass from Liberty Station. 
He was a bit agitated because of the six months of probation and said that he 'hates his life'. I was thankful that he will not have a DUI on his record before he even has a driver's license. We explained to Cisco that the probation will not be a problem if he continues to do what he should do. I reminded Cisco of something Rocco often said to both of our sons. "If you are driving a car and a police officer is following you there is nothing to sweat if you are doing the speed limit and following the other rules of the road."
At any rate, Cisco felt less frustrated after he recorded some music and rapped into his microphone. He made plans for his sponsor and another friend in N.A. to visit and then all three were headed for a meeting. Both of his friends were very nice and polite. This is the first time we met his sponsor and after talking with him I felt very comfortable and pleased that he is Cisco's sponsor.
The evening went well and we tried to keep things light. There was just one incident I'd like to mention:
Cisco sat on the front stoop to "have a smoke". He decided, before we even had to lay down the rule, that he would not smoke indoors anymore. I was pleased about this also.
He asked if he could call a girl from his past who I will call Susie Bee. I said, no. Cisco said, Why? Now here is what followed:
Mom: This home pass is time for you and I to build our relationship. It is not time for you to talk with old friends. I am not saying you can NEVER call Susie Bee but for now the answer is no. I will think on this and we will discuss it later. (Mom walks in the house, glances at second phone and notices that the line is in use.) (Mom goes back to where Cisco is sitting on porch.)
Mom: Who are you talking to?
Cisco: Susie Bee.
Mom: When you get off the phone; we need to talk. (Mom goes inside for a minute and takes a deep breath. She contemplates banging her head against the wall. It might feel good at this point. Instead she takes another deep breath and returns to scene.)
Mom: Cisco, get off the phone now so we can talk.
Cisco: (Says to phone.) I gotta go, Susie Q. I love you, too. Smoochie, Smoochie!
(Mom has queried look on face)
Cisco: Yes, Mom, I called both Susie Q and Susie Bee. I don't see why I can't talk to them. They are not addicts and they help me stay clean. They are my good friends.
Mom: You are not helping me to trust you by disobeying a simple rule.
Cisco: Even Lloyd, doesn't think it is a big deal to call Susie Bee.
Mom: You do not live with Lloyd, you live with dad and I. I made a simple rule and you broke it already.
Cisco: F!!Q - QUE!
Mom: You have very little control of yourself. (Walks away, disappointed.)
Five minutes later, Cisco enters the house.
Mom: May I ask you to set the table?
Cisco: (Sets the table.) I am sorry for swearing at you, mom. Once I get mad, I don't care if you are the president. I don't have control anymore.
Mom: I'm glad you let me know how hard it is for you to keep control if you do not get your way. You need to work on that. I also know I deserve more respect than what you are showing me.
Thanks for reading about my day. Goodnight. Hope to see y'all at PSST this Saturday.
Sally 
LOOK TO THE RIGHT
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, May 31, 2010
LOOK TO THE RIGHT
Look to the right of this page and you will find a link to “TIME TO ACT”
presented by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America - Drugfree.org
Take some time to check it out.
Whether you suspect or whether you know for sure that your child is using drugs or alcohol; Drugfree.org presents a step by step guide on what steps you should take to address the issue.
As they note: The thought of your teenager using drugs is not a comfortable one for most parents. You don't want to believe that your child could be involved in using drugs or alcohol.
But more importantly you do not want to ignore the warning signs.
Realize that this is probably not just a phase your child is going through.
You want to act as quickly as possible but first take the time to read up on how to handle the situation. Knowing what to look for is a huge help in determining whether your child is drinking or using drugs.
Talk to your spouse or partner or the child’s other parent. Always try to present a united front.
Talk to your child. The first and most important thing you can do is to come right out and ask your child.
Expect denial and anger. Be prepared to be called a lot of things and to even be hated by your child.
Collect evidence. Destroying evidence was one of my own first mistakes (while I was still in denial) and one thing I find in common with a lot of parents. Collect Evidence. And keep it in a secure place where your child cannot get to it.
Set rules in your home and spell out consequences. Make sure that you always follow through with the consequences. If you think that you can’t follow through with a consequence it is better not to set it.
Get your teen and yourself help.
The “TIME TO ACT” site is a good tool to get started.
Do not hesitate or be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help.
Your child’s life is at risk.
At Parent’s Survival Skills Training (PSST) we are here to support you and to help you become oriented as to what it means to be a parent of a child that is using drugs or alcohol. As my wife Sally said “We knew that we were good parents, but we were not good parents of someone who used drugs.”
PSST’s goal is to empower parents with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager save their own life. Our meetings and our blog are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. There is no charge or commitment.
Highest Duty: the Search for What Really Matters
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 28, 2010
I read Rocco's comment to another post where he mentions that he is reading and really enjoying this book by Chesley B. Sullenberger. I will reprint Rocco's comment here and try to upload this video interview about the book. I have not read it yet but I'm officially putting it on my things-to-read list.
"What an interesting analogy.
"I was just reading Sully Sullenberger’s autobiography “Highest Duty: My Search for What Really Matters”. One of the recurring themes throughout his book is people pushing themselves, learning and training how to “think on their feet”, to make quick decisions and most importantly to live with the decision that they make.
"We have received (and continue to receive) this type of guidance at the PSST meetings. There are a lot of good resources out there but at the PSST meetings we have a chance to learn about and to role play various parent-child situations out. Then when our teen confronts us we are prepared to think on our feet and to make tough decisions. If we do have second thoughts we have the chance to talk it over.
"Captain Sullenberger acknowledges that if it wasn’t for the “USAir Flight 1549 Miracle on the Hudson”, that we would never have heard of him. And if it wasn’t for his continued routine of training and preparing, the miracle would not have happened. But he would have continued training anyways, just in case. "We, the parents of troubled teens will probably never be known for anything outside of our small group. But we know that we have done whatever we could to save their lives."
Rocco
Mock Car Crash Day at Brashear High School 5-19-10
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 20, 2010
When we arrived, the Firemen, paramedics, and police were busy using power equipment to cut up a car. Four volunteer high school students were inside the car and dressed up for the prom. They had liberal amounts of makeup to make it appear that they were seriously injured. It was like walking onto the set of movie. All the equipment was powered by a loud generator that never stopped.
Right in the midst of this chaos our three speakers and one of our other teens spontaneously formed a circle. Grasping each others hands and with heads bowed, they asked their Higher Power for strength and courage in delivering their message. Just watching our brave young men I started to feel emotional about all this. No one had even started talking yet. I also knew that one of the speakers had lost his girlfriend in a DUI.
He told a harrowing story of how he looked out the car window after the crash to see her body lying on the ground in front of the car. It was a powerful message to the audience and a truly inspirational experience to see the his courage and determination. He made no excuses for what he had done and he told the kids listening that he can never make amends for the harm he has done- and the only way he can even try to is by speaking to groups of teenagers.
Our other younger speakers were also inspirational and they too did not make excuses for what they have done or whom they have injured. One of the phrases, straight from 12-step, that kept coming up: "the wreckage of my past."
It's so easy to feel pessimistic when you have a teenager with a drug problem; however, on May 19th, our young men were so inspirational, both the speakers and the support guys, that you really can't walk away without believing in miracles.
Click "Read More" to see videos of the prom-related simulated Car Crash. They lift the top of the car off so that they can access the people inside.
Special thanks to School-based Probation Officer Christine Lisko who invited our young men as speakers; thanks to Brashear High School for having us and for arranging this powerful demonstration. Also, thanks to Cathy Culbert from Wesley Spectrum Family Services and Gateway Liberty Station Halfway House whose work with our young men is invaluable. Finally, big thanks to the brave young speakers who are just trying to save a few lives.
Note: picture on right used with the permission of the two volunteers.
Read More......
"Who Moved the Cheese?" or How Parent's Power Surge Perplexes Teen
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, May 20, 2010
Cisco admitted that some of the things he says to you he says not because he means it but because he wants to hurt you. You suspected as much. He perceives that some of the things you say are intended to hurt him. Actually, I think he kind of thinks that- but he also kinda knows that’s not true. What hurts Cisco is not the content of what you say- it’s the fact that you dared to say it to him. What hurts Cisco is really the feeling that he has lost power over you. That’s a really positive thing. He feels the shift of power and he strikes out to hurt you because feeling a power-shift is not pleasant.
Like my long-time (25-year vet) said at my Family Meeting last night, “When we see parents change, it often follows that teenagers change.") I think you and Rocco are driving the change process with Cisco. I mean, don’t get me wrong- Gateway YES is driving the change process in the short-term and they do a great job, even Cisco said they cover so much more than his last inpatient did) and Cisco himself is driving the change process in the short-term; however, you and Rocco are driving the change process in the longer-term.
What I mean by that is that any teenager will change enough “to get by” and Cisco because he is who he is, can do that extremely well- but he is “rattled” I guess is a good word, by the changes that he sees both of you going through. He is starting to believe that your changes are not short-term.
So you and Rocco have got him by the you-know-whats! He doesn’t like that. No one does like forced-change. And yet, part of him not only likes it (it feels safe for a kid when adults take charge- it really does- he knows that you are going to do what you can to see that he doesn’t hurt himself) but part of him is so very impressed with the change that you have made that he has gained a whole new respect for you. It’s part of the reason he has been striking out at you, Sally. He is testing you- to see if you really are that stronger person or if he can still break you down with hurtful things or with guilt. He needs to test for himself to see if you really are tougher, smarter, and more ready to take bold action on his behalf.
It’s ironic, that by seeing him go through the “testing” that he helped to convince you that you were doing the right thing by insisting that he go to Liberty Station when he finished this last inpatient. You passed the test. Rocco,he doesn’t test much. It’s because he always saw Rocco as a tough guy.
However, he was and still is closer to mom. But he didn’t see mom as a tough parent. He saw you as a loving, concerned, and basically a good mother- but he only lately has been seeing you as a “tougher” person. He actually respects and admires you for the changes you are making, in fact, what came out yesterday in our interview, is that he is so impressed with you, but you see, for him it’s a rather inconvenient thing, because he still planned on “ruling-the-roost.” Probably, without realizing it, he planned on “ruling-the-roost” till he was 25- living at home, doing drugs, working part-time, taking a few classes, spending his limited income on shoes, drugs and girls. No real rent, cable, internet, or phone bill to worry about- plenty of time for that later if and when he decided to finish “growing up.” Meanwhile he planned on having you both back off because he is (will be by then) 18 years old.
Now all of his plans must change. Why? Because his parents have “cut him off at the pass.” He can’t see that plan working anymore. You guys just won’t put up with it. So, now, he is looking at change in the longer-term. It isn’t enough for him to just skim by, he needs to pull out a change to match the change that you have made or, geeeez louize, he needs to start out on his own. That latter prospect is too scary for him.
Why is he so impressed that you have really changed? Lots of reasons and lots of little things that you do differently, but one huge glaring reason is that you did not rescue him from Liberty Station. He is still reeling from that although he wouldn’t want you to know it. He is stunned by your strength especially because he knows you better than anyone except Rocco and your other son, and maybe, in some ways he knows you even better than they do. Still, he does not want to believe that you have grown so much stronger. It perplexes and continually surprises him. Once again, it’s why he needs to test you – to assure himself that you aren’t just faking.
Now all we need in this recipe is a little bit of luck. You and I talked about luck the other day and while we hate to realize it- sometimes we can do everything right and the finished product isn’t what the recipe called for. Still, we have excellent chances. The perfect luck right now would be for Cisco to catch the 12-step bug. For him to set down some roots in 12-step that last and for him to feel really good about the new Cisco, who not only wants to stay clean but really knows how to do it. He has never really learned how to do it even though he learned many things.
You’ll know it when it happens. Not at first probably, but the longer he is exposed to what’s going on down there at Liberty Station, the more likely this will happen. In the meantime- he will still test Sally. He still has to do that. He can’t believe the changes, and so when he tries his old manipulative stuff on you, and it doesn’t work, he feels angry, then he accepts, then he admires.
Change is perhaps the hardest thing we do as humans. I can’t predict when or how and I don’t think anybody can. But I believe strongly that you have given him the best chance to change. Now the rest is up to him. And I believe that Cisco will change as a result of all this- either now at Liberty Station, or later when things get really tuff for him out-there.
Still, I am optimistic and I am so proud of both of you. I guess it’sanother way to look at the “doubt-prayer” that Rocco posted. Doubts cover not only “if” but “when.” Once again, it’s ironic, but as Cisco senses that you are prepared to patiently wait for the change, and that you aren’t going to return to enabling him while you are waiting, that tends to speed up his time-table for change. When he senses that you just have to have him make all these changes, and make them now, then he senses the power-shift coming back to him and that feeling of a power-shift is toxic to an addict.
What am I talking about? Translated: He can come home in three months- but that’s really up to him and we’ll see how that goes. It’s not OUR need (or your need) that he be home in three although we would like that. WE are perfectly OK with him being there longer if it’s recommended and if he needs it. He will be looking for reassurances that you will fight to get him out in three. That may be his first move. It may go like this:
Cisco: Ok mom, you know I came here and I’ve done my best. I didn’t want to come, but I came. Now I need to know that you’ll be there for me when I need you.
Mom: I’m here for you Cisco.
Cisco: I know but I mean I need to know that you’ll fight for me – you know- if I try my best – and they try to screw me over- I need to know that you’ll fight for me.
Mom: You really need to be able to count on me- to depend on me.
Cisco: Yeah, you know after three months I’ll be away from home home and in a Gateway Program six full months! Then add those three months from Ridgeview and all that probation time and enough is enough- I learned my lesson. You see that I’ve changed don’t you?
Mom: You need to know that even if “they” don’t recommend you to come home in three- that if I think you’re ready- I’ll fight to get you home.
Cisco: Yeah- exactly!
Mom: Ok. No problem. I’ll fight for you Cisco. I love you- you know you can count on me.
Cisco: Yeah, I thought so.
Mom: One thing though.
Cisco: What?
Mom: I’m going to look hard at the clinical recommendation that Liberty Station makes. They are professionals here and I want their opinion.
Cisco: Oh you don’t know! – I hear these people just want to keep their beds full- so they look for reasons to keep you here.
Mom: Nevertheless – I will value their opinion.
Cisco: So if they screw me over- you won’t fight for me- you’ll just let Lloyd and Liberty Station call the shots?
Mom: Oh I’ll fight for you Cisco- I fought to see that you even got to come here- you realize that don’t you?
Cisco: Yeah.
Mom: And I’ll fight to see that you stay here as long as necessary to fight this damn disease that’s trying to kill you. You just don’t always like it when I fight for you.
Cisco: Oh shit! This is not what I need to hear- you’re just upsetting me now. That’s what you like to do – don’t you, just upset the crap out me and take my really really positive attitude and just crush it- that’s why I hate you so much- cause you just get your kicks by kicking me- and I was being honest with you – like I’m supposed to be- I did everything right- and now you just come down here to piss me off.
Mom: Yes, sometimes when I fight for you, Cisco, it really does piss you off. [notice the ‘agreeing’ statement here feel the power that shifts when Sally does not try to convince him that what he just said is not true- first of all- he knows its not true- don’t waste your time trying to convince him- it’s a trap, a game and it’s designed to shift power back to him. ["Poor baby, does he really thing I’m out to ruin his day- oh what an evil mother I must be!." You’re too smart for that now- it still hurts you when he says these things, but those tactics are easily seen for their manipulative nature. So we stick to our guns and do what he hates- agree with part of what he said. The part that’s easiest to agree with is “you don’t always like it when I fight for you- but I’ll fight to see you aren’t killed by this disease- no matter what it takes.”
Cisco: Ok, you know what, if this is the shit I have to listen to- after all the changes I’ve made- then fu*& it- I just won’t try at all- cause you know what – I’m not appreciated, I just quit- you happy now? Is this what you want? [keep in mind all this is because he wanted to get a promise from his mother that he could get out in three and he can’t believe he is not getting that- but that promise would undermine the clinical teams approach and reassurance of this is not what he needs AT ALL- it could be the kiss of death for him right now – but it’s especially hard because as parents we want him home in three too- maybe even worse than he does. Right now – it doesn’t help if we emphasize that little detail. We don’t lie or hide it- we just don’t emphasize it because if we think he’ll “understand things better” if he knows how much it’s killing us that he is not home, or how much it may be killing us that we can’t be sure that he’ll be home in three months- forget it- that’s not going to help the situation one little iotta).
Mom: This conversation isn’t helping you at all today. [more agreeing]
Cisco: No it’s sure as hell not!
Mom: Ok, I’m sorry but you’re right, let’s talk about this later.
Cisco: No thanks- I’m done with your little pep-talks and thanks to you, I don’t feel like even trying down here- I just don’t give a fu&^ right now if you want me to be honest with you. You don’t want to know the truth mom, you can’t handle the truth. [ a bit of jack Nicholson coming out now- we have to really appreciate one thing here- this kids got STYLE. He, and his addiction because that’s what we are really seeing here- is FORMIDABLE. And just because we can see the manipulative techniques and label them, it doesn’t mean that they don’t still have power to move us, make us cry, or make us disappointed, or make us angry.
Mom: I’ve completely ruined your day. I’m sorry this is so hard for you. Is there anything I can do to help or is it too late for that? {notice that Sally takes responsibility for ruining his day- she doesn’t get all caught up in something like “Oh cisco, you’ve ruined your own day here buddy- not me- you’re so manipulative, can’t you see that?" Trust me- HE WOULD NOT SEE THAT right now. He just wouldn’t. What's really going on is he is saying “Mom, you’ve got way too much power and it makes me sick!” If you responded with the “Oh - I didn’t ruin your day, you did” then that would really be like saying “Oh, Cisco, you’ve still got the power- you’re just not using it right today- I don’t really have any power here!” After all when you do this parenting thing right- it pisses people off because you are really saying “Yes, Cisco, I guess I do have some power and I know you struggle with that. You just don’t hear what you want to hear from me anymore!]
Mom: Sometimes the truth is ugly and I hate it.
Cisco: I know you do- you can’t handle it.
Mom: You are so right Cisco. Right now I hear you loud and clear. If you don’t get the answer you want out of me- the truth is- that you’ll just give up, stop trying to change, that’s an ugly truth that I wish I didn’t have to hear- I had hoped you had moved past that kind of thing.
Cisco: that’s what you heard? [Cisco is not comfortable with that summary but it's a good one.]
Mom: Yes, among other things, but that really jumped out at me. You know that used to be the truth at our house all the time. Anytime you didn’t get the answer from me that you wanted- you just flipped out.
Cisco: That’s not the same now. You don’t listen. I’m done with this sh*& [walks away angry]
Mom: [lets him walk away- but has a chat with staff- informs them that Cisco is upset and that things didn’t go well.}
Sally: Cisco is really upset after our talk.
Staff: What did you say that got him so riled up?
Sally: It’s a long story- but he can’t handle it well when he can’t control me- not like he used to anyway.
Staff: Oh I see do you want to talk about it.
Sally: Probably not right now, but I want to alert you that he is very upset that he can’t control me anymore- I think he’ll handle it well, but I have to make sure that we don’t keep secrets from staff- so I want you to know that he tried a power-play on me. It didn’t work the way he wanted it to- and he’s struggling with that. He’ll be fine in a bit, when he thinks it over – he’ll be fine.
Staff: Thanks so much for letting me know. Lots of parents just walk out after a fight- and we have no clue, except for what the kid says about what happened. So thanks. You know this often happens down here- it’s usually no big deal.
Sally: Thank you. Can you call me later and let me know if he’s ok?
Staff: Sure- write you number down here so I don’t have to look it up – thanks!
Sally: Ok, I’m leaving now.
Staff: It sure sounds like you did the right thing!
Be on the look-out for paraphernalia
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, May 19, 2010
It's surprising how easy it is to make a water bong or a Pepsi bottle safe . If the same bottle of Pepsi has been in your teenagers room forever you should be suspicious. Also, it is easy to make a aerosol can into a safe so try unscrewing the bottom of the can to see if it holds contraband. Confiscate suspicious containers and bring them to PSST for evaluation. We can all learn from what you bring into a meeting and some of our parents have become self-made experts.
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