Roxie's Relapse Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, September 08, 2013

Roxie’s Relapse – Living Life through Lenny
                     by Roxie

 

I never thought I would reminisce on Lenny’s various three-year placements with affectionately fond memories of celebrating his birthdays at juvenile facilities. That was a cakewalk compared to the spiraling relapse that Lenny is currently experiencing. I was told that relapse is part of recovery, but was not prepared for its harsh reality. I’d rather not remember that sobriety is the leading cause of relapse.

Lenny’s twin sister, Lena, has handled his deterioration by picking up the habit of smoking cigarettes. That is something I am grateful for. The smoke is Marlboro and not a new friend named Mary Jane. Last year, that would have been an infraction that would have dire consequences. Not anymore. She’s 18, has a job, and living with an addict brother who has the utmost respect for her. Consequently, neither twin smokes or drinks in front of me. In that and many other ways, I am blessed.

I deal with Lenny’s relapse by repeatedly running away. My mother is 77, so I use that as an excuse to remove myself from the home from early morn until 8pm to ‘take care of her.’ Even mommy asked, while anxiously jabbing in the air with her cane, “Don’t you want to go home?” Premonition is one of her innate Indian qualities, for I certainly did not tell her about Lenny!

I acknowledge that I have become part of Lenny’s relapse lunacy. When his addict friends are hungry, Lenny cooks them dinner quickly while they wait in slobber on my back porch. “They’re hungry,” he stated compassionately, while flipping a burger that looked reddish raw on the inside. I peered through the window and recognized one of the boys from Lenny’s placement days. I almost asked if he wanted cake…. he would eat it, too.

During his current relapse, Lenny used to come home every three days for food, water, and showers. He has become much better since telling him that I talked to the Sheriff and I do not need an eviction notice to remove him. Additionally, I called the local Magistrate to see when a warrant for his arrest for unpaid fines would be issued. “You act like you want one today,” stated the Magistrate’s secretary. “I cannot drop everything and draw up a warrant, but it will be soon.” Since I am unemployed, I wanted to become a magisterial temp, just for that day, while she drafted up the warrant. Even with the law breathing down his sun-drenched neck with numerous ‘hickeys’, Lenny is not fearful enough to change. I need to modify how I respond to this relapse, for it is sheer stupidity to think this is his final setback.

 

Roxie knows to:

1. Stop feeling that she is the woman who lost her soul; and her soul’s name is Lenny.
2. Turn up the heat on group meeting attendance, such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or PSST, to solidify my own sanity. Church is good, but being with parents in groups who understand is exceptionally better.
3. Realize that Lenny joining the military probably won’t happen due to him being unable to provide a clean blood or urine sample.
4. Accept that I may answer the door one day for officials who want to arrest him.
5. Continue to let Lenny go, but include his famished friends in the release!
6. Realize that Roxie is not alone in this circumstance.
7. Talk, talk, talk, to anyone who will listen.
8. Draw strength from God or your higher power.
9. A shoulder to cry on is always available, from friends, for the asking.
10. Understand that between the ages of 18 and 78, there are still 60 years of hope available.

 

Similar to never being prepared for death, one can never be prepared for relapse. Roxie is learning to roll with it, realizing when enabling is happening, and getting rid of that behavior at least on a temporary basis. I even had an unorthodox idea of trying the “if you can’t beat them, join them” method, with me having a few beers with Lenny. I imagined that he would be mortified that I was getting ‘high’ with him and he would become sober out of absolute embarrassment. It would work! Unfortunately, my bloodline indicates that I would befall addiction similar to my Lenny.

 

“The men [Native Americans] have a good and an evil side. Sober they are angels.  Drunk, their evil side comes out, and they are drunk a good part of the time.”

(Mary Brave Bird, Native American Quotations.)